#ive got apple crumble in the oven atm so ill have that to enjoy with dw as well

[nerdie-faerie]

Been avoiding tumblr since last night as working Saturdays means I keep missing doctor who but I'm finally gonna sit down and watch it

[artificialqueens]

Fame goes vegan ~ Hobnob

A/N: The other night i was watching countryfile and a segment about vegan cooking came on. I was disgusted, i turned off the telly. My mum asked me what was wrong and i just shook my head because I don’t like the vegan lifestyle. They make me feel sick. However, i like to consider myself a non judgemental person. I thought about what i did and decided to write a fic about the vegans to better understand them.

I really hope you enjoy and i also hope you read this during bake off because it’s on tonight and I’m making an apple crumble for my big brother. ~ Hobnob

Pee ess: this is a continuation of my critically acclaimed novel, more than meats the pie. If you want sweet gooey context go read that first.

Miss Fame felt rumblies in her tummy, and that only meant one thing. Time for some good eats!

The possibilities were endless. She thought about Maccies, nandos, even a subway. Alas there was only one food branch that would fill the gaping void in her gut. Greggs.

She nodded to herself and made her way out of her bungalow, all 3 chickens following behind her.

“Time for us to grab a bite to eat.” Fame said elegantly, re-applying a roll of industrial duck tape around her forehead.

Dobbin, the mentally challenged chicken clucked in agreement. Fame loved her chickens.

Once they got to Greggs fame posed in excitement. What would she get today? A yum yum? A steak bake? Prehaps even a slice of za.

She entered promptly and behind the counter was of corse Sharon Needles herself, making scary faces at babies as they cried.

Fame was the store manager of Greggs, and Sharon was a pretty shit employee, but she got the job done.

“I’ll have a…”

Fame looked over the various options like a nonce in a playpark. Mmmh.

“Wait, whats this one?” Fame pointed with a contoured finger, arching an already arched brow.

“I call that the spooky pot pie!” Sharon retorted, jumping at the sound of her own voice. “I’ll give you it for a quid h0h hOh!”

Fame tried to furrow her brow but damn botox got her every time. She looked over to her chickens. Big Dave was looking into her eyes with wonder. Fame had never been surer of anything in her life.

“I’ll take it 4 free I’m store manager” Fame bckawed, smashing through the counter to grab the pie herself.

Once she clasped the savoury treat in her hands, she pecked at it, savouring the crumbs as they dropped down her oesophagus wetly.

“Ah mm” Fame said, arching her brows a little more somehow. “Wott are these made of?”

Sharon looked to the distance in consideration. “Used needles, crushed up Alaska, soap…”

“Ah” Fame nodded, taking another peck.

“Oh and chicken.”

Fame froze.

She dropped the pie and looked down to her hands. They were shaking.

What had she done.

She fell to her knees and let out a roaring screech. Her chickens all looked disappointed as they left the Greggs, shaking their heads. Fame would never see them again.

Dobbin…Lidl…Big dave…She had failed them all. Her attention turned to Sharon.

“YOU. YOU DID THIS.” She said angrily whilst maintaining the same facial expression throughout. The light of the Greggs bakery flickered as all of the customers looked on in horror.

“Don’t blame this on me, you shouldn’t eat anything from here we don’t own ovens”

“get out”

Sharon left hanging her head, red tears running down her cheek as she cried softly into a cheese and onion pastie.

Fame needed to make sure this would never happen again, that she would never loose another chicken as long as she lived.

Fame needed…to go vegan.

Busting out her nokia Fame looked through her contacts. She needed to assemble a group the likes of which the world had never seen.

Then she saw her. Of corse. A fellow vegan to help her plight. She began to text.

Fame: Courtney act i need your help.

Courtney: I’m touring atm mate can you fuck off

Fame: no Courtney the people need to stop eating animal based products

Courtney: It’s true. For too long Ive sat by and watched Willam eat pork

Fame: Contact every vegetarian you know

Fame: We need to stop the issue at it’s source

Courtney: what

Fame: we need to…kill rupaul

Courtney: k ill get adore on the phone

Yes, it made perfect sense. Rupaul gave Stacy Layne Matthews that bucket of chicken, she used cow milk for her chocolate bar, she even made an entire mini challenge dedicated to eating chicken.

Rupaul had often rubbed Fame the wrong way. How she constantly remarked about her head, how she sent her home after a stellar performance. Absolute slag.

She would have to be an example to the world to show the consequences of eating meat.

Fame felt her phone buzz and glanced towards her screen.

Courtney: Aight all done meet us outside wow presents in manchester

Fame: Thanks you aussie bastard

Courtney: If we can save even one animal with no quality of life from death so it can go on living life with little to no self awareness, its all worth it.

She threw her phone out the window as it landed on little John from down the road. Everything was coming together nicely. It wouldn’t be long now.

Soon…

~

Getting to the Logo TV building in Manchester was hard. She had to take the London underground with Alexis Michelle who kept trying to make subwayfish happen.

The room was less than glamorous and smelt like curry, but she could work with this.

Fame tapped the microphone as she looked over the sea of faces. She recognised most of them. Fuck they were ugly.

She cleared her throat but accidentally made a clucking noise.

“I presume you know why i gathered you all here today.” She began.

“Meat is murder!” Alaska yelled.

“Hoooooneeeeeyy is an animal based product!!” Trixie screeched.

“Fame should i be at work?” Sharon queried.

Fame rubbed her contoured temple. This was an absolute shitshow.

“Alright we need to kill Rupaul on live television. Does anyone have any ideas?”

Everyone scratched their stubble and thunk for a moment. It would be no easy task after all.

“I HAVE AN IDEA” Bianca spoke, raising her pitchfork.

“Yes Bianca what it it?”

“LETS SLASH HER FUCKING NECK.”

“Thats a start Bianca.” Fame nodded, scribbling it down in her notebook. She didn’t know how to read or write but it made her look professional. “Anything else?”

“Lets cover her in pigs blood and gasoline then light her on fire!!” Adore added.

“Jesus christ Adore alright” Fame said, jotting down the graphic notes.

“We should give her the wrong dosage of paracetamol and wait for her to die of kidney failure over the course of 5 months!!” Trixie added.

“You know what lets go with Adores” Fame concluded. It was settled, they would pour blood over mawma Rupe then light her on fire. The plan was almost complete except for one thing.

“Everyone here but me is busted I’ll paint all of you personally” Fame said elegantly as a few party poppers went off. Everyone looked well exited. Trixie began to sob tears of pure joy!!

“Before we begin, let it be known. THE REVOLUTION WILL BE TELEVISED!!” Fame screeched, raising a fist into the air. Everyone did the same, chanting her name in unison.

She let out a tear for a brief moment remembering her lost chickens, then sucked it back in so she wouldn’t look bustid.

Everything was falling into place.

~

20 hours later and everyone in the room was painted by Fame. No exceptions. They were like this hive mind with the same goal, trampling everything in their path.

The group of vegans and vegetarians made their way to the studio of Drag Race which happened to be in Yorkshire. Courtney jogged behind with a big bucket of pigs blood.

“Say Courtney…” Fame began “How did you acquire that pigs blood?”

“It’s Willams he unfollowed me on twitter”

“Oh”

Soon enough, there they were, stood outside the studio. A bouncer walked up to them with an angry expression.

Wait…that face…

Jujubee.

“I know why you’re here ladies.” She said, producing a piece of fried chicken from her pocket and taking a biiiig munch. Fame clenched her fists.

“Out of our way juju, we have no quarrel with you.” They all said in unison, expression unchanging.

“You managed to paint everyone…Did they accept willingly?” Juju said, turning her head to the real Fame.

“Or did you just not tell them the second you painted them, they would be mindless zombies under your control.”

Fame pulled a knife out of her contoured titty’s. “They didn’t need to know that. It’s better this way.” They approached each other slowly. One of them wouldn’t make it out alive, and it sure as shit wouldn’t be Fame.

“This is bigger than you and me jujubee. You know it’s true. Eating meat is…sick.”

“Well unfortunately for you, i love long walks on the beach, big dicks…and fried chicken.”

That was the last straw. Fame lunged at her, but ended up crashing into the wall. The cult joined in, throwing themselves at juju.

Juju was fast, dodging and ducking whilst continuing to eat fried chicken. She even managed to take out Alaska with a mighty blow. Courtney sobbed over her mangled body.

“You know me Fame, we don’t have to do this, just turn back!” They were head to head now, both brandishing knives.

“Like fuck i will you little shit!” She menaced, managing to graze juju’s face with her knife. She recoiled in pain and grasped at her bleeding wound. They both paused for a moment.

“You know this piece of chicken right here?” Juju began, taking out a new piece. Fame held back the tears. “What was his name…hmmm. Big dave?”

“B-big dave…” Fame froze in shook, though her expression was still basically the same.

“And this one…” Juju said taking out another fried piece, “Ah yes…Dobbin!”

Fame couldn’t take it anymore. She covered her ears and began to sob, curling up into a ball on the floor.

“Pathetic.” Juju sneered, spitting on the floor next to her.

Then her expression dropped. Juju was…coughing up blood? Spluttering she collapsed to the ground with a large pitchfork sticking out of her back. She’d been impaled by Bianca!

“Not today satan…” Bianca said stoically through heavy breathing. “Not today…”

Fame got up and gave Bianca a Scooby snack. She turned back around to see the group, most in tatters and lying on the floor.

“DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY WANT TO DO TO US.” Fame yelled, gesturing towards the door. “IF THEY DO NOT PERISH, WE WILL.”

The feint sound of runway music filled the air. Season 9 was in session. The pounding baseline mimicked their heartbeats. She could hear Ru’s cackle as she shamelessly plugged her products like the rat she was.

“NOW I DONT KNOW ABOUT YOU…BUT IM READY TO COMMIT MURDER ON LIVE TELEVISION!”

Spirits were back up, though they were never really down to begin with. Everyone was brainwashed and incapable of any consciousnesses beyond the realm of completing their primary directive.

“TO BATTLE!!!” Fame screeched as everyone joined in. She busted down the door and sure enough all the season 9 queens stood around the runway. Christ they were ugly.

“Hello Fame!” Alexis Michelle yelled, waving her hand.

“Not now Alexis fuck off.” She said Signalling everyone to halt for a moment. Then she spotted her. Rupaul. Fame went positively red under her foundation as her fists shook in fury.

“Fame?” Rupaul said, only slightly surprised rolling her neck a couple of times. “We didn’t schedule a previous queen redemption arc…Michelle pass us the script.”

“I can’t we used it for the paper mache challenge. Bob Ross was the guess judge.”

“SILENCE.” Fame vouged, kicking michelle visage off her chair. “Your days of killing innocent animals is over Rupaul!!”

Ru gasped, looking towards the crowd of angry vegetarians that all looked like Fame. “You can try…but first you’ll have to get past my girls!” Rupaul said elegantly, gesturing over to the stage of season 9 queens.

“Why? You treat us like shit!” Shea piped up.

“You gave me a villain edit!!” Aja added.

“You eliminated Cynthia!” Sasha yelled.

Everyone shook their heads and went to the interior illusions lounge to enjoy an absolute cocktail, exept for Charlie who coughed up some dust and stayed in the same place.

“Shit, come back ladies! Stop listening to your inner saboteurs!” Ru cried in desperation. “Michelle, bring back my girls!!”

Michelle got up off the floor, which was no easy feat due to the weight of her breasts. “I’ve got my nieces piano recital in ten gtg.”

“Wait, don’t leave me here!”

But it was too late. Ru was alone in a room full of pissed off vegans and vegetarians.

“Oh how the tables have turned…” Fame began, taking the bucket of blood from Courtney.

Ru took a long homosexual breath and looked down. Her days had been numbered. If only she had taken an alternative lifestyle.

“Ladies, before i die let me ask you this.” She said, a slight hitch in her voice. Fame was getting pissed, things were getting well off track.

“We’re all just looking for a meal to fill the void in our guts, and the presence of lesser lifeforms will always ensure we partake of the flesh. We were given dominion over God’s creatures. They are ours to enjoy in this cruel joke that is existence. Pain is only momentary in contrast to the eternity of death, and if the blood of animals must be shed for our pleasure, so be it. After all, What is man if not the harbinger of chaos?”

Fame leaned in. “Thats just the thing. We are not man.”

There was a long pause as the room went deathly quiet.

“We are queens.”

In a quick sweeping motion the bucket of blood was poured over Ru, who was mildly aggravated by this turn of events.

“Quick Adore knock us the lighter!”

Adore stopped chonging her weed and threw the lighter half way across the room, straight into Fames contoured palm. She flipped the cap and lit it up, putting it against Rupaul’s wig.

She lit up like a torch, blazing like a fallen goddess. Ru reached out a hand in her agony, but nobody was there to hold it.

“Alriiight we did it right on.” Fame nodded, looking over to Courtney.

“What now?” Courtney asked, clutching Alaska’s bloody dead body in her arms.

“Uh.” Fame looked over to a crisp Rupaul and shrugged. “I’m not sure. In hindsight this is all extremely illegal.”

“Does being vegetarian say anything about eating human?” Trixie asked.

Fame got out her vegetarian handbook and flipped through the pages. “It’s ambiguous.” she concluded, tucking the book back beneath her wig.

Courtney took out a carving knife, slicing into the crispy Rupaul and popping a chunk into her mouth.

“As they say in Australia, ‘This human flesh is cooked perfectly, everyone gather round.’”

And so they all joined together, laughing and telling stories of seasons past.

Fame had done it, and on live telly too. That was pretty good. Reddit would go mental.

Five weeks later she got on Countryfile and did a segment about vegan cooking and proper animal care.

Fin~