#ive elected to put this on my vent account because. i dont know.

[vuckingventi]

not to be the annoying fanfic obsessed minor but im pretty sure you can fuckin get a sparknotes sense of my mental health by looking at what i read

im just. so obsessed with time travel and fix its. a newer thing ive been loving are internalized homophobia/coming out/denial stuff.. the ones with like. self loathing spirals. ive also been reading the domestic calm (id say coffee shop but theres only two works in the fandom thats coffee shop rip) day-to-day ones. which are. nice.

back in middle school i used to read a lotta fics that were like. the main guy goes through with their (because of ostracization) suicidal intentions.

i was like. just obsessed with those. whether its the ones where its just. focusing on the other characters lives after being (not) impacted by the guy, or maybe it focuses on his downfall and inner psyche before jumping, or maybe he gets stopped by a stranger and they run away together, or maybe (well. mostly its this one) he finds out that hes immortal and cant die, with a twist usually like. hes always in pain or like. mentally fucked up as a result.

i was also kinda obsessed with the ones where he like. never had the reason to be ostracized. where he fits in and it just goes through an alternative story if he actually had friends and a support system and wasnt hated by all.

like. looking back at these in like. 20 years i could probably just. say shit like.

i was really craving change. to have a better childhood. to have a big reset button and just whoosh back in time. or to have the reason i felt ostracized (well. still am) to just. disappear.

to imagine a different past for me. what would happen if i had friends growing up? if i fitted in? if i died on the occasions that i couldve (shouldve) died?

or imagining a future day-to-day where i could be calm and fret over the little things. be domestic. be in love.

or imagining how my inevitable downfall will be. how itll all go awry when i come out. or how everyone will be talking behind my back & in my face once im outed.

or imagining just. having someones shoulder to cry on. who ill learn to trust. to help. to confide in each other.

imagining a world where its nothing like the one im in right now