#ive cut myself off for so long i think that the only memories of me that remain are rose-tinted and there's no way i'll ever live up to tho

[triangle-tumor-manifesto]

My nickname is Silver Cipher.

I am 19 years old, and I’ve been diagnosed with Stage 4 Signet Ring Cell Adenocarcinoma of the Appendix. My dream is to have Alex Hirsch sign my cancer journal.

Gravity Falls has been a huge help since the release of The Book of Bill, and has been a huge comfort to me during my cancer fight. It has helped me emotionally more than I can express. The idea came from one of my friends, who drove to meet me before even knowing my name. They suggested I try to get a signature from Alex Hirsch. This is just a brief summary of my story that I would love to share with you all.

I meant for this to be an incredibly put-together message, but “Nothing in life makes sense, so you might as well make nonsense!”

Ford’s fight with Bill hits so goddamn hard. Chemo has just carpet-bombed my memory to the point where I completely black-out at times. During my 72-hour straight IV drip, I wake up to finding stuff I’ve done that I would NEVER do. I wrote things that I would never write. I drew things that I would never ever draw. The most notable drawings I have done are focused around the Eye of Providence and are surrounded—from top to bottom—by code I am still deciphering. This is terrifying to me and makes me feel like a spectator in my own body. Every single time it happens, it always takes me off guard no matter how prepared I think I am…

Chemo Me VS Regular Me Art (think you can figure out which is which??? -△)

However, the reason why I’m not quite as paralyzed with fear as I was is that whenever shit hits the fan, as embarrassing as it is to admit, to comfort myself I think about Stanford Pines. I think about how at the end of a long and hard battle with something indescribably wicked, he learned to trust people and got the support he needed. The path he treaded was full of pain, blood, and tears but he made it. The survival rate for my stage of cancer is catastrophically low on paper, but 6 is my lucky number. You can guess the reason, or I seriously question how you got into Gravity Falls in the first place!

I live and breathe this show, I live and breathe what Stanford Pines has gone through. I just need to make it past Weirdmageddon.

We appendix cancer patients have this crazy surgery which is known in the medical community as the “Mother of All Surgeries.” Most surgeons refuse to attempt it because of a lack of proven studies due to how few of us there are and how little research there is. The small sample size often causes it to be considered a crazy borderline pseudoscience! But it works. I know this because every Appendix Cancer survivor I met at our Pseudomyxoma peritonei (it’s shortened to PMP) Pals group introduces themself and then says that they owe their new lengthened life to as I like to put it, “Our Surgeon Soulmate”. This is my Weirdmaggedon.

HIPEC (the aforementioned surgery, Hyperthermic intraperitoneal chemotherapy) involves cutting open the sternum to the groin, scooping out every single organ that isn’t necessary for survival, filling the space with liquid chemo, and then sloshing you around a little on the table so it all sets in (like a little cancer smoothie). Then they’ll drain it all out, sew you up, and wake you up. (I drew Ford doing it while on chemo—you can see it in the Imgur link-I also have zero memories of this, and it's hilarious-you gotta laugh at the pain or you will cry) The only way to relieve the crippling pain besides exceeding a survivable dose of painkiller is to get up. You have to get up and walk—I mean laps around the ICU. I’ve done it. The laps at least. All the hundred-some people at the conference have. It hurts like crazy but the only way to get better is to fight through it. It's either fight or die.

Welp! There’s your summary of puppet hour with Silver, and my own personal metal plate.

I have the proof to back this up, as I have been living with this since my diagnosis in March. Knowing all of you, some of you may have taken “Trust No One!” to heart, which is legitimate for a post like this. This was just a brief summary of my story that I would love to share with you all. I've censored my personal information, and pictures I'm sending, as well as my face and my father's face. I'm also adding some of the art that I've done on chemo.

PROOF: https://imgur.com/a/ljb98NL

Attached is all the preliminary proof I’m willing to let anybody and everybody see. It’s a mix of identity-confirming photos, people I care about, art that I made while on chemo to help get me through it, proof of my hospital stays and pictures of me during hospital chemo, as well as a picture of myself on chemo simply so you can see how much it takes out of me from those early on photos of me from my tumor removal surgery to today. That was round six. Now I’m in the middle of round twelve: my last one. Before my final battle with Cipher, I’m hoping I can get my personal chemo Journal signed by Hirsch, at the very least. And if the guy wants to join the stream and hear my pretty decent Ford impression, well…who am I to complain? Alex if you're reading this, even if you can’t sign my book, I’d love for you to read the journal entry I wrote addressed to you. I sent my friend Alia to NYCC with a cut-out journal page for you to sign, with this letter to be read, but it didn’t end up working out. Even so, it would mean so much to me if it made it to you somehow.

Hopefully, this gets a shitload of views and reposts that find their way to Alex. As a bonus (some of you are going to adore this) I am going to link a Twitch fundraiser for Appendix Cancer in the post as well, and do a live stream of an ENTIRE reading of a Mystery Fanfic with me as Ford and an absolutely amazing Bill impersonator- @weasel!!! @_<;;! I bet you are so curious, knowing this server. “Come on Fordsy, don’t you want to take my hand? Just say the word!”

Art done by @🐔mother hen goblin🐔

We had this art piece made to promote the stream! Heed the warnings! Also, depending on the VA's endurance, I will also host an open mic for people to share their love of Gravity Falls and their reasoning for helping me.

The Twitch stream will begin on △ 10/26/2024 6:00PM EST.

△ If you cannot make this-never fear! It will all be recorded for your future viewing pleasure. This exact time is subject to change, please check back the day of to make sure that this stays the same.

Twitch Stream Link: triangle_tumor - Twitch

Donation Link: https://pmppals.net/silvers-triangle-tumor/…

I hope to see as many of you as possible present in the stream. This fanfiction means so much to so many of us. Both Bill and Ford's relationship in canon and especially in this fic encapsulates the visceral horror, suffering, and trauma that comes with going through chemo and beating the ⭐⚡#💀＄out of the triangle tumor. I am also getting OFFICIALLY endorsed by r/Gravity Falls as well as PMP Pals (An Official Appendix Cancer Organization) for this fundraiser.

I cannot tell you how absolutely hyped I am for everything going down.

Pleasepleaseplease join the stream if you can, and for SURE blow up this Reddit post! Thank you all so much for being a part of this and helping me through my fight.

Ad Astra Per Aspera

Silver Cipher △

P.S. FUCK Cancer

SOCIALS/OFFICIAL ACCOUNTS

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Triangletumor

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/triangletumormanifesto/?next=%2F

Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/triangle_tumor

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TriangleTumorManifesto

[christinarowie332]

stupid kids in love

part three to “stupid horny fucks”

warnings : angst , SMUT !!!! , kinda fluff . sub chris if u squint . cock warming . m! receiving , f!riding . SMUTTTTTTTT

—————-

“what?” i cut him off , it feels like a punch to the gut . a thousand different things race my mind , the loudest drowning the rest out . what the fuck does that mean .

“look i don’t fucking know what to say . it was a stupid thing to do i know but you don’t understand, i have literally been fucking fighting myself with the knowledge that i am literally obsessed with you . i’m talking like … i can’t actually imagine myself with someone that isn’t you , and i know u shouldn’t have a one time fuck with a friend or someone your in love with but i fucking did , and i’m sorry that i made it awkward and i’m sorry you don’t feel the same and i’m sorry i didn’t tell u before and i’m sorry that i don’t fucking regret it .” chris finishes his incessant ramble and i’m stood frozen . literally everything he has just said was insane . like it feels like a dream . maybe a nightmare.

“chris”

“and i’m sorry that it happened the way it did , i feel like fucking shit knowing that was your first time and it was bad , i wish i could go back and stop myself . i’m so fucking sorry” he cuts me off , basically pleading with me . i wouldn’t be suprised if he got down on his knees and started praying. with all of his apologies ,all i can think about is holding him , he has absolutely nothing to be sorry for , i feel the exact same as he does. so why the fuck am i still frozen. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL FROZEN .

“chris i love you”

“please just hear me out- wait what” he cuts himself off and meets my eyes . his eyebrows soften before they furrow in confusion. i step forward , taking his face in my hands , searching each of his eyes , watching the tears that were flowing over his cheeks stop . i didn’t notice until now ive been doing the same , they pool on my chin , dripping down my collarbones and soothing the same place he had kissed me a week ago .

“chris i have loved you for years . don’t u dare apologize for anything, i was insecure and overthinking. i don’t regret the sex if you don’t , it was fucking perfect. please don’t run away now .” i say quietly, i silently pray he understands. that he believes me .

“u were the one who ran away” he says , refusing to meet my eyes , it was as if he thought that if he looked up , i would disappear. i grabbed his chin and forced him to look at me , his usual confidence gone in my grip . “and i will spend forever trying to make it up to you chris .” i reply , my lip shaking under my teeth as i try and hold back a sob , he needs me as much as i need him . he’s wanted me as long as i’ve wanted him . i have nothing to worry about .

we stay in silence for a while , before i tug him forward into me . his arms latching around me tighter then ever . i’m not going anywhere, i want to say . but the pressure of his body against mine finally silences the voice in my head , i completely melt in his grip . the scent of his cologne and just him flood my senses as my face rubs against the soft material of his sweatshirt .

he tilts my head to look at him , the blue of his eyes almost gone as the darkness of my hallway makes him seem like a shadow . almost unreal to look at . but he is real . i know this because his lips touch mine in a way they never have before , slowly melting into his touch as his tongue softly caresses mine , his hands move from my back . slowly trailing to my face as he pulls me closer , deepening the kiss impossibly closer . i kiss him back with the same amount of passion. no . love . that’s the only word for how his lips move against mine . how his hand moves to my neck, his thumb brushing against my pulsing veins . he could have his hands wrapped around my neck and i would trust him . i would let him squeeze the last breath of air in my lungs just to have this be my last memory.

i walk him to the wall , my lips never leaving his , his back hits it and as soon as it does he flips us around , pinning my back against the cold object . his body is basically attached to mine as he presses his pelvis to me, slowly rolling his hips against mine as i match the movement. our pace quickens , the soft kiss turns into a hungry one , soft groans as we explore each others body like the first time , his hand reaches towards my thigh and trails towards my knee, lifting my leg as i wrap it around his waist . my hand that was once on his face makes it to his chest as i push him towards my living room , never once breaking contact with his lips .

the moment i feel him hault and hit the edge of the couch , i push him down . immediately straddling his lap and pushing his hair back through my fingers , feeling the soft strands gently slide over my skin . i re-attach our lips , he pulls away but i chase his lips still looking for contact . “y/n this isn’t-“ i kiss him again , cutting him off but he moves back and swerves my attempt to carry on .”y/n listen to me “ i look from his lips up to him, “i need you to know that this isn’t the only think i want . it’s not just for the sex , i want you . i need you. it’s always been you . i should have said that before but i was just-“

“stop apologizing.” i say putting my hands on his chest to i can see him properly, “chris , we were stupid horny fucks , it was both of us , i don’t fucking regret it so just kiss me!” within a second of my words leaving my throat, his lips were on mine again . his hands travel to my ass , lifting me as i grind against him , my hands grab my t-shirt , lifting it over my head . his eyes fly to my chest , before dunking his head into the skin and sucking dark marks into it making my head throw back and my hand to grab his messy hair . after a few seconds i tug on the brunette strands , making his lips detach from my throat and look at me with the most attractive expression i’ve ever seen . his lips were plump and pink, along with his nose and cheeks, his eyes droopy and black as his pupils dilate . his lips were slightly parted so i took the chance to slide my thumb against his bottom lip , pulling it down and watching him squirm underneath my core , feeling his very hard dick against my clothes .

“for someone who doesn’t care about the sex , your little friend sure does …” i whisper while moving my hand to his face , tracing his cheek bone with my thumb gently . moving my hips against the hard object prodding at my pelvis . he whines slightly at the movement, making my lips turn into a smirk , producing a breathy laugh from him . “are you okay with this?” i ask playing with the hem of his shirt , asking to take it off , he nods and starts to help me . i smack his hand , resulting in a very confused look from him , i ignore him and pull it over his head , throwing it to the ground and getting off his lap to kneel in front of the couch. “and …are you okay with this ?” i ask looking up at him through my eyelashes , putting two fingers under the band of his sweatpants , running it across the ragged elastic material . he nods quickly and i take my hand away . “chris , words please baby” i say sitting on my heels and waiting for him to answer me .

“yes, fuck please” he says , letting out the air he was holding in anticipation. i smile at him and place my fingers under the band again , pulling them down . he raises his hips letting the sweatpants free for me too move down his legs , letting them pool around his feet . my hand ghosts over his cock , slowly moving up and down the material of his boxers , feeling him twitch . ”please” he breathes out . “please what?” i reply , loving the power this gave me . i could practically feel the pool between my legs , it should be teasing him but all it’s doing is making me wetter . he doesn’t need to know that though .

“touch . please just touch me y/n” he says , attempting to pull his boxers down. i take the fabric from his hands and pulling it down the rest of the way . his dick springs up and almost hits me in the face , making us both laugh, but he quickly gets serious when i grab his dick with my hand and spit down on the tip . his head throws back , shakey breaths and whines from his throat as i kiss his tip , tongue rolling around the sensitive skin . i take half of him in my mouth, letting my hand work the rest . slowly sliding my head up and down his dick , my lips rolling over his veins as he takes my hair into a makeshift ponytail and pushes he down further . my nails drag into his skin as i try not to gag as his tip hits the back of my throat , leaving red marks down his thigh , lewd sounds coming from both of us as i moan around his cock.

he pulls me up by my hair arruptly , my chest sliding against his dick as i come up , making him shutter and whimper. “what?” i ask , thinking i did something wrong or that he was in pain, “i was literally about to cum down your throat?” he says breathlessly, tilting his head slightly and furrowing his eyebrows .

“and u think i didn’t want that?” i ask as confused as him . he just relaxes and smirks, looking down at my lips and kissing me slowly . i pull away , pushing my sweatpants and my underwear down together , wanting more then anything to feel him inside of me , i straddle him again , letting my folds slide against his dick . he grabs his dick and slides the tip up and down . “jesus y/n” he says , referring to the fact i am basically fucking dripping at this point , i just roll my eyes and change the subject, “you ready?” i say , he smiles . “shouldn’t i be the one saying that?” i just tilt my head at his words , raising my eyebrows. “yes y/n” he continues .

as soon as the words leave his mouth i sink down on him , too fast . i can literally feel myself burn , he notices and kisses my lips again , brushing the hair from my face with one hand , wrapping the other around my waist to lift me up . “you okay” he speaks with concern , i humm in reply and slowly start to lift myself on him . slowly the pain turns to pleasure. feeling him deep inside of me . rolling my hips to get a deeper feeling , i drop my head to the crook of his neck leaving open mouthed kisses on the skin , breathing heavy and letting soft moans fall from my lips as he starts to thrust upwards . his hands are on my waist , before moving to my ass , helping me lift myself on his dick , he grips it hard enough to leave bruises , but the feeling in my stomach overshadows that pain as i feel the knot slowly start to gain more tension.

“chris , mmh, fuck” i breathe out before putting my hands on his chest and pushing myself up to look at him .”chris- FUCK … chris i’m close.” he lets out a strained moan , before nodding frantically and bringing his hand down to my clit , running fast circles on the bundle of nerves . my nails dig into his chest as i half-ball my fists and run them down his chest . he bites his lip harshly , attempting to muffle his own noises, but ultimately the sounds that leave his throat are breathy groans as his dick twitches inside of me .

the room that encapsulates us are filled will loud grunts and high pitched moans as we both completely undone around each other . i clench around him after i feel his warmth shoot inside of me , painting my insides white as i come almost straight after him . a string of curses leave our mouths before i collapse on his chest. listening to his quickened heart beat in my ears , feeling his hands rub up and down my breath as we both come down from our highs .

after a while i go to get up but he stops me . “is anyone home tonight?” he asks me , running his fingers through my sweat drowned hair .

“no why?” i ask , relaxing into his touch . “let’s just sleep like this” he says grabbing a blanket and covering us both on the sofa . i nod and lie back down on his chest , resting my head on his shoulder , breathing in his scent on his neck . he grabs he around my shoulders and wraps his legs around me , swinging us to the side so we can lie down on the sofa properly. his dick slides out slightly so i take the opportunity to wrap my legs around him and push myself closer to him . he lets out a small whimper at the sensitivity and i giggle , apologize and kiss his neck as i get comfortable against his body again .

“hope you know we’re defo not gonna be friends after this” he says , making me look up to him .”ur my girl now , you know that?” he says smiling and placing a small kiss to my forehead .

“yeah i’d fucking think so”

—————

hope i did y’all proud ☝🏻 i feel like im going to hell for writing this .

—

taglist:

@mangosrar @soursturniolo @biimpanicking @kvtie444@kenzieiskoolaid @urmyslxt @chrisenthusiast @mattslolita @iheart2021chris @parkerssecrets @recklesssturniolo @lovingsturniolo @paper-crab @daddyslilchickenfingers @strniohoeee @ermdontmindthisaccount @sturnphilia @bluesturniolo333 @lustfulslxt @lunarsturniolo @chrisolivia4l @freshlovehacker @its-jennarose @kitaysworld @liz-stxrn @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @flowerxbunnie @mattsbratt @slut4chr1s @oversturn @mbbsgf @fredswh0re @nickenthusiast

[toadboatt]

For funsies so i dont overthink myself into oblivion, let me start this out by saying "Imagine i am an osdd system" and i will refer to myself as though thats true (i am undiagnosed with denial cycles that terrify me even though i have a lot of evidence supporting my thoughts. Im trying to be respectful, please be nice to me and correct me if this isnt right in any way)

So i just made a comment on another user's post talking about this and i needed to elaborate for myself.

Before realizing i could be a part of a system, we were in a long term relationship and after highschool we became a distanced couple (He was at a univeristy 2.5 hours away but i didnt see him often due to other circumstances). But once we didn't see him every day, it became more and more obvious to me that there were different "versions" of myself. At least two big ones, me when im with him, and me when im home. And the longer time i spent away from him, the more i realized the switch in myself. Memories with him would be fuzzy, i'd be by myself again and realize i was acting so differently when i was with him, but he said i was being he same as usual .

Flash foward, im fighting with myself for months because of the personality switch, but I just thought it was just HEAVY autism masking, even though i couldnt stop, and I felt veryyy disconnected when "masking". My memories were greying and i felt off, like i was watching myself live through a screen. Then, it happened. The part of me that would come out when i was around him stopped showing up. She felt noticably absent.. where did she go?? Then i realized it was strange of me to refer to "myself" as if she was separate from me. Before, i was her and myself interchangebly, but suddenly, it was just me. I was pushed to the front 100%. And i felt so empty when i was with him.. and i didnt LOVE him the same way... i felt lost without her.

Two years later, im host and ive cut my hair and dyed it, gotten tattoos and piercings she never wouldve dreamed of, and i dumped him. My life is totally different now, and also im a transguy now and i started researching systems to make it all make sene. However, shes not entirely GONE though, i still feel her in the back of my mind. Especially since i broke up with my ex. I hear her crying and i feel her pain when thinking of him. Everything i think of him or hear from him (we stayed friends) i can feel her mourning over again. But i feel... nothing. Its like the only emotions i feel about it are just her haunting my mind but those feelings arent mine. She never fronts or really talks, just sits back and watches. Funny too because i think shes the only part of me thats a woman.

Anyways. I forgot the point of this, i just wanted to talk about it i guess.. i think because writing that comment fully contextualized that whole experience for me.. if youve had any similar experiences let me know! Im eager to hear other points of views since i'd say im still in the researching phase lol, thanks for reading if you did. (:

[m34gs]

Now that you're done watching S2 of Link Click please tell me your top 5 favourite scenes/moments in the series so far!

Oh this is a fun ask! Thank you for sending it to me!! I am so excited to answer this. I love this series so much and I can't wait to get started on the fic ideas I have for it! ehehehehe.

Because of spoilers, I will put the list under a cut! We will be counting down from 5 to 1, with my all-time favourite being #1! Of course, I'll include some honourable mentions, ehehe. I will be excluding the opening and ending credits from both seasons from these, as I don't consider them to be scenes (though I *know* you know the part that would be my absolute fave if I *did* include them).

Alright, which 5 Link Click scenes made Meags go absolutely feral??? Let's get to it!

5. After the earthquake dive, when Cheng Xiaoshi drops to the floor and Lu Guang immediately drops down to comfort him. God. I love that scene so much. You know. You *know* what it fuels in me. The angst. The tension. The...tension 👀👀👀. But seriously, the tenderness of it, too. The moment of just being held by someone close to you while you lose it and cry. My poor, poor baby Cheng Xiaoshi. Looking back on it, knowing what Lu Guang knew from previous dives, knowing he probably knew exactly where it was heading, and that he couldn't stop it even if he wanted to, that he would never be able to stop Cheng Xiaoshi from being overwhelmed by that dive even though he wants to never hurt him. Knowing that he went into it probably trying desperately to justify the pain he would cause his best friend just so that he could save his life. If that isn't a tragic beauty, I don't know what is.

4. Qiao Ling kicking ass in the hospital with Cheng Xiaoshi. My girl can fucking *wield* an IV pole. Love her so much. She's so fucking strong and she makes such a good team with Cheng Xiaoshi when they're fighting off the attackers. Love to see it.

3. The memory where Lu Guang appears at the basketball court. The reason this one holds a special place in my heart is because of his expression. As much as he's "just met" Cheng Xiaoshi; you can see the recognition in his eyes, the longing, the hope, the love...the "you're alive...you're still alive...I have a chance" that sits in his heart and is the only reason he can keep doing this again and again and again. It wrecks me. I love it.

2. Cheng Xiaoshi coming face to face with his own recklessness when he's possessing Lu Guang's body in the past... because oh my god that is so fucking funny. The way he went from "yessss, I just saved myself AND my boyfriend, haha, I win this time" to "jesus fuck I forgot I was an absolute impulsive dumbass" was so fucking funny. And it was so funny seeing his expressions on the usually-stoic Lu Guang's face. Gets me every time I think about it. I will never be over how fucking funny that was. I can just imagine Lu Guang later going "not so funny when you're on the receiving end of the impulsiveness, is it?" ahahahaha.

Honourable Mentions: Qiao Ling slaps Qian Jin at the funeral (get his ass!!!!), Xiao Ma getting shot (zero fucking sympathy for you sir!), Lu Guang buys Cheng Xiaoshi boba tea after the earthquake episodes (we love to see boys being soft and comforting each other, even if one of them has to be a bit tsundere about it...), Qiao Ling and Lu Guang refusing to take cases after the earthquake case in order to protect Cheng Xiaoshi (love to see some protective friends).

When Cheng Xiaoshi gets shot and Lu Guang goes absolutely fucking feral on Qian Jin's ass. Get him. Fucking. GET. HIM. UGH. I love it so much. He's 100% ready to kill the man who shot his lover best friend. I am always here for the calm and composed one losing their absolute shit when the people they love are harmed. You know what they say; demons flee when a good man goes to war. And I love that, this time, Cheng Xiaoshi wasn't dead. He was only grazed. And what does he do? He doesn't fucking hesitate. Lu Guang is beating this guy's ass? Guess that's what we're doing then. Like, sometimes I like to think up to that point he has held in his urges to punch someone not just because of the gun, but also because he's like, "gotta do what Lu Guang would do. Can't disappoint the boyfriend" and then he sees him going nuts and goes "oh if Lu Guang says so, then it must be ok" and decides to join in. Like. Ugh. They are so in fucking love.

Ok, ok, there are my answers! Hope you enjoy! And I'd love to know what your top 5 fave scenes are too👀👀👀

[pinkdeathmoth]

Hello, my name is Violet, and Im an Electric Witch. Ive been practicing for a couple of years now and my practices has changed overtime, which is to be expected. I started off honoring Bastet as shes one of my favorite Goddesses. And my favorite God is Hades but to be honest, as much as I love and respected deities, I never fully believed in them. I saw them as just energies that you can channel to use as inspiration for certain things like with any fictional characters or famous people in general.

Last year, I had a memory resurface from my past and its a dark secret that I kept for 25 years. I was abused by a family member when I was 6 years old and it lasted about a year. Once I told my husband of the abuse, my life changed drastically. I told my family of the abuse and even started therapy. I confronted my abuser and “they” went from admitting to it and wanting me better to saying Im taking this too seriously and making me look crazy and even now denies the abuse ever happened. I cut this person out of my life.

Jumping to months later, after the Eclipse, things started to change.

Not only Im on my healing journey, but I also had a spiritual awakening. It turns out that Hades himself been trying to reach out to me all my life. And yes, I always liked Hades from his Disney self, ever since the movie came out, to his actual mythology….but I didn’t think he was actually real.

But Hades is very real. And we have a deep spiritual loving relationship that actually has been going on for years! He even told me that I have Persephone essence within me. All Hades wanted me to do was to heal, to love myself and embrace my inner Goddess.

(The way I found out Hades reached out to me is a lifetime long story so maybe Ill write it another time!)

Im curious if anyone on here is in a relationship with their deity that they work with during their spiritual journey? I know that this is common but I would love to hear yalls stories if so!

The next day after finding out Hades was my deity and lover, I went to work the next day and this song played! My boss randomly shouts out that this song was for me! Hades is a Scorpio which adds to the excitement of this experience and I felt like a high school girl in that moment! Amazing right!?

[rinhaler]

The anon who just found out u were fuwushiguro here!!

Yes I absolutely understand the frustration from not performing as well with follower count to likes ratio - as an artist who used to be quite popular and likes went from thousands to only like seventy. At some point you feel like you’re not doing it for you, but actually for others. I’m happy you realised the happiness can come from writing and not only hate.

The friend who left you I can also relate to a bit, my ex best friend of 6 years also left me quite recently and it was like there was an empty hole in me because even if you’re not friends anymore, your brain can’t quite handle the change. I’m so sorry that happened to you, but the greatest challenge is to not only hold yourself to one person but to be open and try new possibilities, and that’s what you’ve seemed to done! You have new friends, new mental attitude, and a brand new beautiful blog (that I love the theme of btw!!!) You’re doing great and will continue to do so, because if there are 100 rinhaler fans I’m one of them, if there are 10 rinhaler fans I’m one of them and if there are none, I’m dead.

Also to the question you had, idk it’s just the way you describe certain things..? It’s hard to explain, I have about 50 fanfic blogs that I really love the writing of and fuwushiguro was one of them. Your world building, character description as well as development, SO GOOD!! And your wusyaname series was amazing, I used to check your blog religiously for any updates, and I’m happy you’re reuploading them here bc now I’m gonna reread them every week!

Also the way you wrote yuuji in the aita!sukuna fic was extremely similar to the first few chapters in wusyaname before he goes on that trip (if I remember right)

Have a great day/night :D

omg ARTIST AAAAAA im obsessed I'd love to see your stuff if you ever feel comfortable sharing with me sometime but no pressure ofc! I know it's very personal! ive been trying to get more into art but im finding it hard to balance practicing art stuff and writing. I also have massive art insecurity bc I don't think I'm good enough (same with my writing) so I totally understand if u wanna keep it all to yourself but go you for being a talented babe <3

interactions on tumblr suck and I'm starting to be able to tell myself it's purely luck what performs well and what doesn't, so I'm finding it a lot easier to write things I actually want to write now rather than what I think my followers will like.

Also yeah in regard to my friend, we were online friends and we'd only known each other for around two years but god i adored her and i still do tbh. I think about her and our memories all of the time we were so so close so her decision to just randomly cut me off really hurt. I'd love to talk to her again but I know I have to respect her decision and I wish her the best!

It's been a good opportunity to get back into writing so at least something nice has come from something so sad. And I love this little space so much! I'm glad you like my theme! It was greenish at first n i was like nope this aint the one i am a pink girl through and through!

ALSO AAAA THE WAY IM BLUSHING ABT AITA YUUJI BEING LIKE WUSYANAME YUUJI UR SO RIGHT 😩 definitely not intentional but god maybe i missed him more than i thought! I'm so excited to be reposting it though it's going to be like living through the magic of it all again and hearing what everyone thinks and stuff! I haven't read it in so long so I feel like I'm right there with you all hehehe

anyway thank you for supporting me always ur literally the best i adore u pls take care of urself mwah mwah mwah

[onyxandemerald]

story time

hi friends, im still a little new here. i got back on tumblr bc idk this is where the witches are, and i think this is the first era in my life where its finally sinking in how real it all is. so im sure youre all gonna be like oh yeah ive been there 😎 but i am incredibly jazzed.

so like i have spirit guides and have spoken with my ancestors on a couple occasions, and i know my intuition and my clairs are super active, but im still wrestling with my doubt monster. i will actively pick up signs, dismiss them or im now practicing expressing curiosity, and then watch my premonition unfold minutes later like i had no idea what was coming. to try and exercise this ive been playing intuition games with my tarot cards; pull a card face down and try to guess if it's an even number or an odd number. ive been doing really well too! but thats another post.

ive also been trying to wear myself out psychically, in a way, because of how rapidly im receiving messages and signs and im kind of exhausted. so a friend and i went to a cemetery yesterday! ive visited cemeteries before, not for the Real Reason, just to hang out, but this is the first time ive been with two feet and both hands if you know what i mean: ; as a witch, standing firmly with intention.

my friend is even more green than i am so on the drive i refreshed his memory on graveyard etiquette. we both brought offerings and incense, brushed ourselves off before the gate, spoke quietly, and greeted everybody. hurricane helene had also just passed through so we cleared out any fallen debris from on top of graves and leaves from headstones.

as soon as we got there i noticed the oldest grabbed my attention right away. this is usually the case, as ik the eldest residents are typically considered guardians of sorts but this time it felt much louder than normal. we started at the front and worked our way back. its a tiny cemetery, maybe less than 50 headstones. a gay couple alongside their cats and his mother. a fair few of children, young children. my friend was more sensitive to them than i was i think.

when i finally made it back to the old headstone i noticed most all of them had needed repairs and the two i felt drawn to had no text left whatsoever. one of them had exposed rebar. a lizard sat on each marker and they hung out with us when i got my tarot cards out.

as my friend and i sat down and lit our incense, we started chatting and i could kind of feel somebody else join us. we both started feeling questions and conversation bubble up so we worked the deck together, i would shuffle, he would cut. i also didn't interpret upright vs reversed since we were sitting across from each other. it more felt like he was speaking to both of us.

i started getting the feeling that these two blank graves were a man and wife, and that they were really grateful to see some young faces and to be remembered. i only picked up the energy of the man.

we asked if they had any family left in the area, since they had been here so long. the emperor (my friend's signifier), king of wants and three of swords. we took tha as a no, or at least none that come by. my friend put his hands to the ground and i asked what he was feeling. he said the soil was nice and warm. we asked if they liked it here. three of wands (which in my deck is a young man in a field of golden wheat essentially caressing the sun) and three of cups. what we both interpreted was that they liked how bright and sunny it could be in the morning, and since the cemetery was so small and intimate, i think they had a sort of their own community and found comfort in each other. it was also hidden off the main roads, so there were lots of critters there. this made me think of the lizards watching us. i asked what it was like to be dead. four of swords, two of cups, three of pentacles. i cried.

it wasnt long after this that i started feeling drained and didn't want to overstay our welcome. i left the dried passionvine flowers that id collected from the yard a few weeks ago, one for each of our new friends and one for the cemetery's namesake and scooped some soil from near the entrance on the way out. i already really want to go back. all day afterwards, i kept feeling that (presumably) man's energy again, and the final question i had asked. the experience would replay in my mind and id just start crying into my sandwich.

i am just so blown away by the decisiveness of it all. such clear answers, my friend and i channeling the same interpretations of the cards and the vibes and the energy, even without the cards. its so real.

i love being a witch.

[irreversiblydamagedmeow]

i’ve started laying w my head on the bottom end of my head rather than the top.

i decided i want a ceiling fan. it will be the first time in my life ive had a ceiling fan.

when i was in my freshman year, it was either around the time my parents broke up or before, my dad put up a ceiling light in my room. i’ve always just had a lamp. i used to complain i was the only one in the house without a ceiling light. i feel like it was because he knew i would leave him and go w my mom as soon as i could.

he got me the light in a desperate act of trying to get me to stay. i’ve always been his favorite, i guess he was the most worried about losing me. i feel bad because he did. i have two ways i feel about it though. i feel half bad because he is trying and he just wants his kids to love him and value him, but on the other hand, he had 15 years to set things straight with me and he didn’t. he made things worse even after i moved. not like consistently, but we got into a really bad fight when i was like 17 and that just ruined whatever pity i had for him.

i’ve been laying on the end of my bed because the cups of juice in my window are moldy and have bugs in them. i can see the cups when i lay at the head of my head, but not when i lay at the foot. it’s so gross to me, i can’t bring myself to even pick up the cups. just thinking about this i feel the bugs crawling on my legs and torso and arms and hands. i spend most of the time during the week in my moms room while she’s at work so i don’t have to be around the bugs.

i feel so gross but i don’t have any motivation to do anything about it. every day i just lay in bed and feel like im going to throw up. i feel so awful. most days i just wish i was dead.

i don’t even want a better life. what would even be a better life? there isn’t a point to living. get a job? work every weekday for the next 50 years? i’m good. i’d rather not. and what else is there to do? stay at home mom? i couldn’t handle being around children that long. entrepreneur? i’m not creative or intelligent. my dream career was to be an english teacher but i don’t see that happening as i took a gap year between high school and college and i don’t see myself actually going back to school. what is there left to do?

i love my boyfriend so much and i do want to live just to be able to spend so much time with him and make so many memories, but also it’s so hard. it’s hard to not want to kill myself. i guess it mostly sucks because i feel so miserable and suicidal without any real reason. i’m just depressed, but i don’t even have a hard life. i have it so easy.

i feel so bad though, to still want to die even though i have a boyfriend who i love more than anything and i never wanna lose. it’s not like he can do anything to save me. but why is love not good enough? maybe it’s because i don’t feel like he really likes me. i feel like he talks to me out of pity, same with my friends. i should just cut everyone off and sleep all day. it would be boring but i don’t care. i don’t want to bother them with my problems anymore.

all i want is to just die. i don’t want to live. it’s not worth it, im sorry to everybody who loves me, and i hope you know this doesn’t mean that i don’t love all of you, but it’s so hard to keep going. i don’t even know why. i have it so easy. but it feels so difficult, im just ready for it to end. please let it end peacefully and painlessly. please.

[rippeds0cks]

3/4/2024

I have been weird lately. Some days ill be doing great then other days ill be as worse as ive ever been. These last couple days have been bad. Ive been so bad mentally that ive had to stop whatever im doing (eating, watching a movie, working out, playing elden ring) and just sit there and stare off into nothing. I zoned out entirely when i was driving yesterday. Ended up going 75 in a 45 and had to rush a break when i zoned back in so i didnt slam into the back of the car in front of me. Cant have that become a habit since im gonna be driving a lot soon. Buying a gun soon. Not for suicide or anything i need it for bears n such since im gonna be camping in the middle of national parks a lot. I havent slept well in weeks. Every night for the last couple nights ive been as close to tears as ive been in recent memory. I get really emotional laying here n my right eye will be teary but my left eye will not. I wonder if my tear duct is damaged in any kinda way since thats the side closest to my head injury. It shouldnt be since thats my better eye. Back when i got a cut on my left eyelid i was essentially blind for those couple days it took for the swelling to go down since my right eye is essentially useless. That reminds me, my dad is slowly catching onto how bad my health is. He made the observation “you might have something wrong with your depth perception cause you get really close to the cars in front of you when you drive” and i just went “haha yeah” when in reality my depth perception mostly went when i was like a very early 19 and i just got used to it. Fighting made me able to “feel” the distance between me and everything around me but that goes out the window when im operating a machine like a car. Ill get used to it i guess. Maybe start wearing my glasses.

I think that on this trip ill make the decision about reaching out to my ex. I think that if i get all the way to vegas and still think about her ill reach out for closure. Thatll be a while tho. Maybe well over a year. I dont know. Ive just completely given up any delusion of her contacting me. If contact is to be made itll be made by me. I just cant stop thinking about her and its already ridiculous so if it continues for so long that by the time i get to vegas i might as well reach out. Worst comes to worst and she loses her mind/gets a restraining order n i cant firefight anymore i can just kill myself its not a big deal. I just cant keep harboring these emotions forever. I already dont wanna harbor em im just too scared to reach out. It doesnt help that me n benj (mostly benj) bring up our exes a lot so i have to think about her. He says shit sometimes that unlocks memories i didnt know i had and it will make my ass catatonic for the day.

Like once i had a ptsd attack while asleep and i jolted awake and we were napping together and i woke up to her laying on me pulling me as close as possible and it brought my heart rate down and mental state down entirely, i was able to relax and calm down just cause she was there. She probably doesnt remember it since when i jolted awake she was mostly still asleep, just doing a slurred half awake “do u have to pee” to which i just said no n we both went back to bed.

I waa gonna type out another memory thats been replaying in my head where she lays with me as i was having full body convulsions and i was in some of the most pain i have ever been in. Rubbing my back and holding my hand. I was gonna type it all out in detail but im already shaking and crying out of one eye lol. No snot or anything tho so i dont know if this qualifies as crying.

Anyways i would give anything to be able to experience that again. The first and only person to ever love me and things went so horribly wrong. Both of our faults. I take the vast majority of the blame though. She takes the blame towards the end but the rest of it is my fault.

Anyways

[fedorahead]

ok i originally posted this on facebook but imma overshare here too

hi my name is z yes the letter and i like vampires and pirates and movies about magic and cats

i hate nightmare before christmas because clay mation is weird but i really like wallace and gromit and other stuff aardman makes

i have 2 tattoos of a sun and a cloud on my knees and the cloud knee was aching real bad today because of the weather

i have naturally strawberry blonde hair but when i'm depressed and malnourished it turns brown. i usually dye it auburn but this most recent red was supposed to be black

my favourite animal is a dragon THEYRE NOT IMAGINARY THEY'RE EXTINCT and i also like goats and crows and cats

i collect fashion dolls like fashion polly and sometimes i'll buy a barbie if i like her outfit and i have one rainbow high doll too and i love her

i sew but i am usually too depressed to start and always too adhd to finish

i am diagnosed with adhd which is why i can be so rAnDuMm! but i am also a millenial and we were all like that. i also think i'm autistic and no i can't afford the assessment but everyone who's met me pretty much agrees.

i spent a long time behaving how people want me to, i'm real good at guessing that and adapting to it, and it was crushing my soul and i only did it because any form of social rejection feels like being in life threatening danger to my brain which was comppunded by spending years in extremely abusive situations and online in social circles where rejection could lead to your livelihood and maybe even your life being interrupted making me keep feeling like my fears were more and more valid and real until every part of me that made peiple visibly uncomfortable was cut away and i was charming, clever, and expressed emotions in socially appropriate ways like being mean or asking as many people as possible for their opinion on something before forming mine even though when i actually would then express that stance nobody would back me up becaus people arent honest avout their intentions or expectations which leads to those of us with a strong sense of justice standing up for causes the people who set us at them don't even really believe in

i spent most of my life stuck in this zone of knowing that whatever makes me me leads to isolation and social rejection whcih in turn is dangerous to my physical abd mental health and wellbeing and every hint of rejection sent off cascades of cortisol and adrenaline in my brain and would cause panic attacks and complete non functionality and so ive suppressed that stuff and became someone at lwast the barest amount of acceptable by reading the cues of what people appreciate and approve of and enjoy heing around to the point where i think i can see the real me through a fogged coke bottle glass of memory but i cant make out many details and i'm pretty sure that kid is dead

but the bits of me that have poked through against my efforts are still bouncing around and maybe i can build someone i like out of those instead of resenting them for being unshakable

the first step is embracing the annoying and spontaneous and oversharing side of myself that has been screaming to come out and is constantly locked back in when i wait for someone else's approval

so here you go

i'm 31, and i'm still proc3ssing a lot of my teenage emotions and probably will be for the rest of my life. i am angsty and bitchy and hungry all the time and i love fashion and art and expression and have a passion for weilding the written word with different stances and flourishes to really get a point across stylistically

and it's interesting to think how mcuh of me jas been suppressed for my own safety, even when i didn't know who i was hiding from.

like, some of the safety mechanisms just turned bacn the fuck on a few years ago and nobody really noticed or knew why. and i can track what bad relationship lead me to go from being a super sex positive out loud feminist with strong political convictions and a come at me bro attitude towards censorship, morality, and sexuality to being someone afraid to have anyone know anything i was passionate about, especially when it came to relationships or sex or social justice because those things had been used against me in pretty awful ways, but i was getting better and healing and then that all got shut back up into that tiny box because i had someone in my friends circle who was predatory and sadistic and i didn't even realize how unsafe i felt around him until he started hurting my friends. and even while i was singing his virtues and trying to sell people on his good side i still was uneasy and i just didn't attribute it to him until *his* mask dropped (a secondntime) and i put the pieces together. and honestly? if i had been open in the ways i'd been before all the trauma, i would have been a perfect victim for him. which is, i'm sure, why he started talking to me every week, making sure i'd be at amtgard, right around the time i was starting to come back into my own and start opening up to the world a little more. but that whole part of me got fucked up for a little while by life and by the general bad vibe i had, like i knew being open about sexuality and sex would put me in danger even though i could not see by whom

anyway i quit amtgard. whether he comes back or not, i dont really care, i dont want to be in a community that isn't vigilant and while i wasnt in real danger because i choose to surround myself with people who watch me like a hawk, that's not a community thing and if i hadnt been there when i was, watching someone else like a hawk, some worse shit would have happened.

i'd rather be myself, with all the risks that come with that, and stay safe with my circle rather than being comfortable in a place i have no business being comfortable with people i don't truly know, suppressing who i am because i know that that person is in danger. for wahtever reason, social or physical.

anyway today i'm trying to be honest and true to myself an dthat means a lot of dunb posts that i'll definitely be judged for, and i gotta practice being judged without wanting to kill myself ao here are my cards on the table i guess.

[wiltedsunrise]

sobbing… this is. literally nightmare situation JGKDH the more i like. think abt it. i think i fully checked out during one last phone call hgkdh bc like yeah the resulting reactions were very ooc for me personally 💔 and like during this one call they called me griffin and that made me sooooo so uncomfortable so. knowing i was fixated on anger i could probably say that was david and it was like. before id fuuuully lost contact w the system

bc that i genuinely did!! id had no idea!!!

anyways that call was like hgkdh aaaaaaaaaa

theyd needed a sudden like st loa bc of an unnamed family emergency. right when Hell House OCD Nightmare Apartment piqued. in trauma. we hadnt met in two weeks and i know david at that point was the only one capable of like fronting and had been for weeks due to The aunt and uncle situation. and so he like weathered new job hell job and then Hell House. and gradually used emails more bc i secretly cofronted during his one (1) session w grant and he was like. entirely unhelpful hkghd gave just enough of a reply to not require additional prodding but nothing that would facilitate like actual therapeutic progress. anyways he I Guess felt at that point more comfortable emailing. bc grant and i had long since established that i could keep a therapeutic diary via email and they did not have to read it but they could not respond.

so i later looked back and reviewed my send folder and saw 💔 he. very very graphically described The Bug Trauma. and grant also has ocd so like yeah i was instantly worried id caused that family emergency. denied it real real hard!!!! eventually talked myself out of it.

then they. finally. said theyd call me on monday to schedule our appt. they called at five pm and we were so unwell that wed literally been woken by the call 💔 so we checked in and scheduled a session a week out. an hour later, called back asking to be set up with someone else.

mentioned calling hotlines daily.

and. and i heard them. i heard them. anytime im doing well for too long i suddenly remember those sounds and i. i can never. ever. forget them. i so sincerely just want to talk to them because like good lord shared trauma with your therapist is indeed a nightmare scenario and i really should not know that id triggered them. and they were really quiet so i do not think they knew i could hear but. i could. and i immediately. checked out.

looking back i can tell that finn took over bc they were prominent in chats hgkdh they frequently cofront w david so they both talked to modern path but then finn figured it out bc they saw those clues plus realized grant was real real slow in seeing our request to reschedule. bc emails were triggering. sooooo. they checked out too and then it was just david.

and. well.

more trauma yay!!!!!! good lord.

i feel sosososo bad but. yeah i. i genuinely. i dont know how to move past this without like talking to grant you know hgkhd i point blank should not know this and that call was traumatic hgldh its. man. man.

i should go eat hkghd last night i panicked bc i was fixating on that memory and nicks “ruptured beyond repair” so aaaaa

tomorrow i will.. ask… to not work the next six days with only one day off bc. good lord i genuinely cannot handle that. im hglfh well im getting better at handling this but jlghd ive worked through like. the bulk of it right. now im just left with the core of the trauma which is the hardest to address 💔 but luca the therapist grant recommended and w whom we apparently had a consult. which i do not remember bc again i checked out and was cut off from the system so i remember zero things 💔 well they keep saying i need iop without reading any of my emails which is deeply frustrating bc theyre all really positive you know jgkdh just bc i talk a lot and just bc i have bipolar — MANAGED BIPOLAR at least by me griffin — does not mean i need iop hgkdh they were also like oh i was under the impression u didnt want to work together despite my REPEATEDLY EXPLICITLY ASKING FOR THEIR HELP 💔💔💔 id said u could take ur time reading and replying and then they like

like. dude. hgkdhgldb

they havent responded so i sent a follow up just now and. hgkshlghd mentioned my hearing grant bc. yeah. Yeah. shared trauma 💔💔💔

[substanceuser971]

made the connection between my addictive tendencies and my attachment issues both stemming partly from a feeling of wanting to recreate initial happy memories. it feels like other people are able to move on with their lives easier than im able to. people seem to n=be able to move on from me as soon as i stop being interesting and novel to them, while im stuck wanting to keep replaying what we had when we started, and it plays out the same way with drugs, trying to recreate that same way i felt those first few times i got drunk or high. it feels like i keep trying to create a tiny little time loop that i can live in forever instead of accepting when things arent as good as they used to be. and one feeds into the other too, people have left me for struggling with substance dependence and i depend on booze and weed to cope with feeling abandoned. its a really vicious cycle

ive been doing pretty okay with staying sober lately, but its mostly because i cant afford to stock back up on weed and the only alcohol i have is beer which isnt kosher for passover. today my landlord and his friend came over to do some renovations and they shared a joint with me, and it felt great to finally get high again but i also feel like it sent my brain right back into the mindset of needing to get high daily and keep it in my system. another part of why i get intoxicated so much is because i get fucking horrifically bored and understimulated, and weed and booze are the easiest way to stave off the feeling, so lately ive been trying to put my energy into hobbies and find other ways to stay stimulated as replacement behaviors for using. its been effective and its been a great feeling to be more productive and have more mental capacity to do things i enjoy. but after smoking this afternoon, once i came down from the high, i felt more bored than i have in a good while. the experience makes me think that maybe pot in particular causes me to be dependent on it to fight off boredom, and the lack of boredom it temporarily provides me makes anything i do while sober feel more boring by comparison.

honestly, i dont have faith right now that ill be able to refrain from buying more weed as soon as my paycheck comes in. my finances really arent great, but i have a slight buffer from my upcoming tax return covering my rent for may, and its way too easy for me to just take a bus downtown and hit up one of the many many dispensaries we have here. i can try to put it off for as long as possible, but itll only take a quick moment of my self control faltering enough for me to end up on the bus and then ill come home with enough flower to last me at least a couple weeks. sunk cost fallacy, if ive already bought the bus pass ill feel guilty if i just change my mind and go right back home. maybe if that happens, i can try replacing a dispensary trip with a bit of wandering downtown, check out the shops i havent gotten to see yet and maybe buy myself a cheap trinket or two, or a little snack. i think that would be a good idea, and it would most likely be cheaper without making me feel like i wasted money on the bus pass. i might try to do that if i end up on my way to a dispensary. but really, i dont know if i have the self control to keep from restocking my stash even with that backup plan in place, because its just so fucking easy to get my hands on it as long as i have the money to pay for it, and its so tempting because it feels so good to get high that i end up disregarding the consequences until they hit me.

it feels better waking up in the morning when i fell asleep sober. in the past couple weeks, when ive barely gotten high or drunk, its been a lot less of a pain getting out of bed in the morning, and i always feel groggier on the mornings after using. its uncomfortable and i dont like how hard it is to wake up. on the other hand though, my insomnia has been a lot harder to control since ive had to cut back on weed. it was far from fixed even when i was getting high nightly, but it at least kept my brain fro buzzing so much that i couldnt relax. lately i keep staying awake for like 30 hours at a time even though i get delirious staying awake that long. even right now i just feel exhausted and i want to sleep, but i have too much going on in my brain thats demanding i stay awake and Do Things despite being too sleep deprived to actually do much of anything effectively. im pretty sure i have some kind of sleep disorder, because ive struggled with insomnia and fucked up sleep patterns for years, but i also kind of think cutting back on cannabis could be exacerbating it. the joint from earlier got left with me, and we all only took a couple hits, so ive still got like half a joint left and its tempting to smoke a little more. i think the main things stopping me are the fact that my body feels too exhausted to get out of bed, and the fear of rekindling my dependence on it only to have to go without weed for a few more days.

[dreamingdistasters]

I had a pretty bad dream. This blog is meant to be private but it is possible for anyone to find it so huge trigger warning here.

*********TRIGGER WARNING: VIOLENCE AND RAPE*********

My dream started with my partner and I going to a call in the city of Auburn. It was a difficulty breathing call of a man in his 30s. And he had 2 friends there with him. It was convincing enough for my partner to start a breathing treatment on the couch and I went out to get the stretcher ready. When I came back in my partner was on the floor and the patient was holding the tank and I realized he had whacked Ryan in the head with it and knocked him out cold. I instantly hit my 50 button and all three guys came over and grabbed me and my radio on open mic got the whole struggle. They ripped off my job shirt,uniform shirt, and Tshirt and then I got punched really hard and was kind of dazed and my hands got tied together behind my back with a zip tie. They dragged me out to the stretcher and I started to struggle again and the guy dragging me from behind lifted me up with him behind me and his arms around his chest and slammed me down on the stretcher. It knocked the wind out of me and I blacked out for about 20 seconds and when I was coming back they were loading the stretcher with me on it into the ambulance. Then one guy got up front and started driving and the other 2 ripped off the rest of my clothes and used bandages to tie my thighs to the railings of the stretcher. They had like their own line and the one guy by the back of the ambulance starts like fingering me and the front guy like grabs my jaw and kisses me and bit his bottom lip talk hard and drew blood. He punched me then pulled a knife and threatened me with it if I but his duck then facefucked me and was talking to the guy in front who was just driving. Basically I'm raped and the guy at the face kind of loses interest and I start like cooperating and saying like yeah what other option is there right now. I'm still tied up but I just try to distract myself. I tell the guy that I'm surprised he didn't go for the drugs and he asks about them and I tell them where they are. He breaks into them and asks me about them and I tell him the truth. He starts drawing up the morphine and asks if I want anything. I shake my head but he draws up and gives me a whole vial of ketamine and says like this will probably improve your experience. Then I start being sleepy and hallucinating. I'm vaguely vaguely aware of the ambulance stopping and the other guy coming back. They sit me up so he can rape me from the back and I'm just kind of limp and keep hallucinating my partner and crying. The whole time I just keep thinking that as long as I stay in the ambulance I'll be found because it has tracking but the longer I'm there I lose more hope. So much time had passed that they are done and bored with me. They have a discussion about whether or not to kill me and I begged for my life telling them I'm way too high to remember their faces and I'll probably block out the white memory from PTSD anyway. They say like nice try sweetie and stab me 3 times in my left side. I hardly feel it and just play dead and they leave.

Once they're gone I move my hands tied together under my but and then under my legs. I use the point end of the so you're that like popular through and sticks out to pierce the gauze and then rip it then get the shears from the cabinet and cut the tie then I baggage up the stand they're all only about 3 inches deep and around my left lower quadrant. Not too dangerous. I tie a sheet around my waist tight to hold pressure then from the stretcher set myself up an albuterol breathing treatment in a mask neb. Then I set out everything id need to be treated with, prepping an iv lockset and spiking a bag then decide to wait for someone to track the location on the ambulance. I fall asleep and wake up when the main 02 runs out and starts making sounds. I realize no one is coming for me and I set up a nonrebreather mask and a portable tank. Tie 2 blankets around me and get out. I realize I'm in the middle of a corn field and there's a path of flattened çorn from the ambulance driving in. It's also dark as fuck so i grab a flare and light it and hold it far from the o2 and start walking ion the flattened corn. My sounds start bleeding and strong down my leg as it works through the sheet and I'm getting woozy. As i walk the flare drops hot embers in the corn and it starts slowly burning without me noticing. I get to the road and it's one of those tiny middle of nowhere roads and start walking along it until I collapse and am unconscious.

Then it cuts to Ryan who signed out ama from the ER and is calling a million people trying to find me and the ambulance. They find out the gps has been broken in that rug for a while and no one cared to fix it so he's listening to the radio and driving around just looking for the ambulance. The cornfield gets set fully ablaze and the ambulance eventually explodes causing a big response from the county. Ryan recognizes that an explosion could be the ambulance and goes to the scene in his car. Fire and the cops find me and I'm in some other companies ambulance just starting to get checked out when Ryan bursts in and takes over from them. I'm of course completely unresponsive hypotensive and hypoxic. He starts treating the wounds gives oxygen and is transporting when i arrest in vfib. He shocks once and I'm back and he intubates and she's an io and a whole work up and we get to the hospital. I vaguely remember sitting up in the hospital in recovery and being pissed about the company nearly getting me killed by not having the rigs tracking operational. I'm talking to a lawyer and hearing all the recorded evidence from my 50 and the drive can going off from that guy driving but have no memory of anything at all outside of my nightmares. And just having Ryan with me while I recover and process what I can even process. And that's where it ends.

[necroticneurosis]

dream talk. gets long. dont think too hard on it.

i was sitting on a couch scrolling social media on my phone, and a few other people were there, chatting away, when someone else walked in. i glanced up to see gerard, thought "oh, its him", then looked back down at my phone. the other people started getting excited, asking for signatures photos and hugs. i didnt acknowledge him nor share everyones excitement. he walked closer to me, leaning against the half wall nearest the couch i was lounging on, and asked the room "anyone else want a signature?" it was directed at me, the guy whos treating him like everyone else. it was said as if it was nothing. a kind of "im used to this so if you want a picture or something ill give you one, no biggie". i caved and handed him a cd that he wasnt even on.

a few minutes pass and i realize the fans arent there anymore and the room has changed, though i wouldnt be able to tell you what was different. gerards sat on the couch with me now. im still scrolling social media but my hearts beating a little faster as i try to ignore him being closer to me. of me feeling something i cant quite place. hes treating me like weve always known eachother, like were friends, like ive known him since... anyway, i realize hes sitting on my feet. we both apologize for it, awkwardly. we both feel we need to act less casual than we feel we should. i mean, were friends, arent we? weve known eachother for years... havent we? but we both know thats not true. even though we feel differently.

the room has changed even more now. theres a couple cameras pointed at the couch, a few screens, big lights and mics and all. a doorway to the left. everyone else walks in, along with sound techs. gerard stands, with one last look at me, a strange look in his eyes, then goes to talk with mikey and a tech. i move over to were gerard was sitting and frank sits next to me, bob next to him, ray behind/to the side of the couch. i refused to look at frank. i felt strange seeing him, feeling him beside me, outside of me, instead of...

...well, its a livestream of some form. its for something important, something big. the chat starts flowing well before the cameras start rolling. franks already cracking jokes and rays feeding it. i realize im part of the show, like a "one lucky fan gets to sit with the band!" kind of thing. like i won some raffle or something. it made me queasy. im not a fan. i dont listen to them. i dont- im not-...

cameras rolling. techs are doing things. gerards watching. rays doing the most talking, i dont know what exactly, im not paying much attention. im looking at myself in the livestream, thinking i look strange. i look odd. i look like my body does now. i look at frank in the corners of my eyes, but never high enough to see his face, though i wouldnt be able to through his hair anyhow. i look at his tattoos and his hands, that get too close too me for comfort. my stomach is in knots. the red ink feels blinding. it tugs something i didnt know i had deep inside my heart. numbers. pictures. ink. memories. i look away.

hes telling jokes, constant jokes, one after another. chat eats it up. they love him. i dont understand why. they cut to commercial, and hes talking with everyone, laughing. theres an edge to his voice. do they hear it too? breaks almost over and he starts stancing up to play it off like he was fucking about doing something stupid and reckless while chat couldnt see us. they lose their minds again, laughing, calling him an idiot, the works. all i can think is "is this all you do? is this all you do, seriously, you only joke? is that really how you hide your pain, through relentless jokes? enough already for fucks sa-"

mikey walks behind the couch to the other side of the room. chat lights up like a firecracker, explosions of "WAY SPOTTED!!!!!!" and the like. they keep asking where gerard is, and completely ignoring bob. rays chatting away and feeding into franks antics. im feeling antsy and im sick to my stomach.

i dont know why im there. i dont know why theres two of me. i dont know whats going on. all i feel is nausea and stomach pain and i wished everyone would stop looking at me, at both of me, stop laughing at my-his-franks jokes. i just want to hang out with my best friend again. the guy who isnt my best friend. the guy who i only met an hour ago. the guy who doesnt even know me. the guy who keeps looking at me from across the room.

and now im dreaming about gerard again about everyone again im going to be sick and its only 7 in the damn morning

[gangtheway]

Amaranth, Cock's Comb, Foxgloves, Hellebore, Rose

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender? 

My gender is ‘nah’

My pronouns are whatever floats your boat. I don’t have a problem with any pronouns people wanna use, but there is one set that if you use them for me it will make me like you more and I’m keeping it a secret because it makes me feel powerful.

I’ve spent a long time agonizing over my gender with no answers, and I’m just kinda shelving it and making notes until I have less metaphorical shit on my metaphorical plate.

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font? 

[Flashbacks to typography class]

i hate fonts dont look at me

im shamefully fond of vivaldi bc i like the swoops

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at? 

i

a lot of things

I’m bad with people, I forget how to speak fairly often, I’m bad at emotions, I’m not great at singing, I definitely cannot rap, I am bad at remembering basic human functions, and energy is hard for me. I’m REAL bad at admitting when I don’t know something.

that felt like a confessional. someone ask me something im ashamed of bc a weight has been lifted this day and im finally free

Hellebore: How do you show affection? 

ADD AFFECTION TO THE PREVIOUS LIST IM REALLY BAD AT IT

i’ve never been great at showing affection- developed a p good poker face through most of my adolescence and i also dont know when i like a person bc im never really paying attention for that. i just kinda.... know when i don’t like a person, if that makes any sense. like on multiple levels. like i know when i really dont like a person and also when i like them but not like that

i used to just spend time with people and let them drag me along on whatever they wanted to do. often times, i’d bend over backwards to be around them

now i tend to be a bit more ~romantic~ and completely shut them out of my life, only messaging them in a moment of weakness

on a non-romantic note, i guess i show affection to my dog by flopping next to her her and rubbing her ears a bunch and telling her that she is baby and a very good girl and also humoring her nudging

i noticed recently that i mash my cheek into people when im just overwhelmed by happy fondness. most recent examples? mom and dog.

Rose: What’s your favorite sound? 

this is a TOUGHIE

like musically i like string instruments, but most instruments sound heckin amazing when u play a rly nice piece

but also i like rain sounds

people’s voices are nice. only when theyre familiar though. and like one at a time. it’s nice and makes me feel a bit less lonely. there’s a specific let’s play-er that i’ll have going in the bg sometimes just so i dont feel alone while i do whatever i gotta. cant do podcasts at home bc i know i wont pay attention.

boiling water is a nice sound. nostalgic weebtunes are nice sounds when im in the mood. the sound of someone sleeping quietly are nice in a not-creepy way. oh yeah i like harpsichords too but those’d be instruments n i already put that i like most of those. OH the sound of a pepper grinder is p satisfying.

what i dont like is the sound i constantly hear since my sister set up some kinda surround system in her room so now i hear the muffled suggestions of whatever movie she’s watching with her bf BOOMING through the walls. i hate that how is she able to hear ANYTHING

[yesimwriting]

Dying Starlight

A/n: i dont think an audience for this exists?? ik it’s not shadow and bone related, but ive been reading red queen and i wanted to try writing maven and ive been playing with this idea. umm...on the off-chance that there is an audience for this i do think of this as more of a series but i’ll probably end up deleting this lol 

(Series?) Summary: reader is a childhood friend of Mare’s who isn’t officially part of the Scarlet Guard but gets captured by Maven. As a prisoner, she feels like her mind is being messed with as she begins to see a more human side of Maven. The new King tells himself the only thing he sees in her is that she’s a way to get to Mare, but something about her genuiness is infectious. 

-- 

Irony twists things. Right now, the irony that my last thoughts might be about how I wish I had been trusted with a suicide pill twist my impending doom into something almost comical. I’d laugh, but I’d rather not startle the rats in my cell. This has been their home for presumably years, but I’ve only been down here a few hours. 

I scratch the back of my wrist, staring at tired stone walls like they’ve done something to me. I wish I knew what time it was. How long have I been down here? How long has it been since I was separated from Mare? An hour? Three?Each passing minute strikes me like a bullet, but I can’t count them. I’ve never had a talent for accurately feeling the passage of time.

My head aches, frustration and dread tangling themselves in the pit of my stomach. Mare told me the Queen can search through someone’s mind, seeing memories even they can’t remember. What will they do when they see I know virtually nothing? What will happen when they see how close Mare and I truly are? i can’t do anything and the unknown hurts more than my bruised rib. 

The sound of the heavy door that divides the luxury of the castle from the wasteland of the cells creaks. I only let my arms flinch, moving from my side to wrap defensively around my stomach. Dull footsteps echo down the pathway that lead to the cell I’m in. I don’t cringe, not even when the sound of walking stops. 

I was not born into a rich family, but I was born into a proud one. Fear was practically a criminal act in my household. I’ve been trained to suppress all signs of weakness. My eyes don’t leave the stone wall, I mentally trace the pattern of a long crack in a specific rock. It reminds me of the slope of the Big Dipper. 

Will I ever see stars again? The answer leaves a sharp pain in my chest. 

“Mare told me about you.” 

The words jar me, my stomach dropping in revulsion. Mare had trusted him, and here he stands--successful because he’s a traitor. I know what it’s like to be the most overlooked sibling and to crave to change that. I know what it’s like to want to succeed more than you want air in your lungs, but I don’t think I’d ever betray someone. I like to think that there’s a line even the monster in me won’t cross. 

I don’t look at him, partially out of an attempt to protest and partially because I’m afraid of what I’ll see. “She might have mentioned you in passing.” 

His scoff is ridiculous. “She didn’t lie about your sense of humor.” 

That almost makes me wince. His words are too close, too personal. It’s like he knows me. I turn my. head, ready to cut through the uneasy beginning to get to the miserable middle if it brings me to the end faster. 

“You’re here to torment me, not make small talk.” Turning had been a mistake. I regret it instantly. His expression is unforgiving--cold, sharp, and made up of only angles. But that’s not why I stare. I did not expect him to be objectively attractive. The fine slope of his nose, the sharpness of his cheekbones, and the ice blue of his eyes. I need to snap out of this mindset. I’m sure his beauty will not be so distracting when he’s burning me. “Though some might consider that the same thing.” 

He scoffs again, the sound dry. The sneer of his lips does not diminish his attractiveness. The fact makes me loathe him. “I wonder if you’ll still be so prone to humor after you’ve been broken--any information of worth extracted from your thoughts.” 

“Let me save everyone the trouble and just tell you everything that I know now.” My back straightens despite the pain in my ribs. I look pathetic, dirty and in a torn dress. He’s regal, dressed in fine, all black clothing. “I know that Mare wanted to kill you today, I know that she needed a distraction and that her distraction needed to be expendable, which is why I’m sitting in front of you.” I squeeze my hands together awkwardly, a bit of genuine irritation rolling in my stomach. “That’s literally all I know, I’m not even part of the Guard.” I scratch the back of my wrist. If I were him, I wouldn’t believe that, but I’m being honest. How pitiful can one person be that they’re worth more disconnected from the group they work for than as an actual member? “You don’t take that kind of risk for someone that’s only skill set is in thought.” 

I didn’t mean to say that out loud, but I don’t regret it. Maybe he’ll think that my story is so pathetic it has to be true. “You have to know more than that.” 

“The Scarlet Guard only reaches out to me on a need-to-know basis, and anything worthwhile to you is something I clearly didn’t need to know.” In a way, I’m glad I can’t give him anything. “So are you going to kill me with a bullet or do you prefer more flamboyant executions?” My death should be plain. I am human completely--I bleed red and I have no powers. “I do think anything more than a simple death is more trouble than I’m worth.” 

His lips press together oddly, something beneath his expression tightening. “You don’t think your dearest friend will return for you?”

The sarcasm in his voice sparks something in me I thought only my sister could. “I think she has a lot of responsibilities and I wouldn’t blame her for having priorities.” 

His eyebrows draw together. “I think you’re painfully unaware of how attached to you she is.” I press my lips into a thin line. “She’ll come for you.”

Something selfish in me hopes that he’s right. No one has ever wanted me enough to come back for me. My mother wanted perfect daughters that knew how to only think in terms of trapping men with stable careers. My sister did it, but I could never manage, and to my mother that made me useless. 

“If you believe it,” I mumble beneath my breath.

I don’t know if he hears me. I can’t bring myself to care if he did. “For your sake, you better not have lied to me.” 

My back relaxes against the raspy wall, fighting down a grimace as the motion irritates my rib injury. “Cross my heart, Your Highness.” 

I watch him carefully, his expression turning into something much more grim. “A King is referred to as His Majesty.” 

“My father was a prominent war general and my mother only wanted daughters she could use to social climb.” I fight down a grin. “I know what I said.” 

His expression darkens into something bone chilling. “I am the King and you’ll refer to me as such or deal with even less pleasant circumstances.” 

I fight against the urge to cower, picturing Mare’s strength in my veins. There’s weakness in everyone, and if I squint I can see the thin cracks in him. “You have everything--the crown, the power, the support of the people, and it’s still not enough. You won and you still feel like you’re competing.” 

“You don’t know anything,” he seethes, practically growling. 

I shouldn’t press him, but the more he reacts, the more weaknesses are revealed. “I know what it’s like to have a sibling that’s the sun, and no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you’re always trapped in a shadow.” 

The lighting makes his eyes look almost glazed over. “My mother will be here soon and the truth will be revealed.” 

He can run from me, but not the truth. Cal has nothing, he has everything--the father that never cared for him is dead, and yet he’s still trapped. Our similarities hurt me more than my physical injuries. 

Maven turns, his gaze moving off of me feels like the removal of heavy shackles. “It would do you well to not press me. You’re worth as much whole as you are broken.” 

There’s the strangest hint of something more to his voice. I wonder if he’s speaking to more than just me. “You haven’t won until that voice in your head telling you that you’re not enough is silenced.”

“You’re a powerless girl who isn’t even wanted by a dying cause and couldn’t find a husband to drag her above the poverty line. You know nothing about me, and if you keep pretending I’ll slaughter you in front of your dear friend.” 

He leaves without another word. I fall asleep with my back against the wall and my ribs aching.