#ive been trying to avoid time breaks in short pieces of writing but i definitely wanted to show him getting the attention he deserved :')

[good-beanswrites]

Hi there!! Your milgram drabbles are actually giving me life. If you're still taking requests (if not, totally fine!!), how about Haruka and Colours? :)

Aww thank you so much!!! :D Thank you for the request ooh, it's such a fun prompt for him! I ended up going with something for him and Muu between the first two trials, but I still wanted the main focus to stay on his voice and growth 👍

“This is your wardrobe?” Muu's eyebrows raised. “That's all there is?”

“W-well, I don't own much else that I, I really like to wear. Sorry." Haruka’s mind whirled into a panic. His new friend had been in his cell for less than two minutes and he was already a disappointment. She knew a lot about clothes and fashion, but he didn’t know a thing about that. They’d have nothing in common. She’d grow bored of him, and hate him, and -- 

“Aw, you don't need to apologize! The warden should be sorry for making you wear this. Muu will have to fix it.” 

“Fix what?” He bit down on his thumbnail. He knew there was a lot of him that needed fixing. That’s what he’d been told as long as he could remember. But what did she plan on doing that no one else could?

“All white does not do you justice. I'll request some things for you, okay? Let’s see…" 

She spun away from the clothes to examine him. He squirmed under the sudden, intense gaze. She looked him up and down, without saying a word. He hugged his arms to his chest. He had too many painful memories of people looking at him like that. But at the same time, he hoped she would never stop…

Her lips twisted into a gentle pout. “See? You poor thing, you don’t feel confident in that at all.”

“W-well, it’s only that --”

 “-- Don’t worry about a thing. Muu will get some neutrals, and a few accents. That will help bring out your eyes.”

“My, uh, my eyes?”

“Mm, they're your best feature.” She said it as if he were crazy for not knowing. His mouth gaped. He had a best feature? 

“Speaking of, I'll have to grab some pins to keep your hair back, so you can actually see them…” She reached out to brush some of his hair aside. He flinched, but let her touch him as she tried out a few things. While poised over his face, she looked at him seriously.

“How do you feel about purple?”

He swallowed. How did he feel about purple? Haruka thought it was a strange question, but if Muu was being so nice to him, he should trust her. He should respond perfectly. He went back and forth on what the right answer could be. How did everyone else feel about purple? How did Muu feel about purple?

“Nevermind.” She put her hands on his quickly raining shoulders. He relaxed them. “I think I’ll go with green.”

He sighed with relief. “Oh! Okay!”

Muu continued muttering to herself about different colors and styles, to which he nodded along. If she thought it would help him, he believed her. 

———

He stepped into the dining hall for breakfast. The prisoners were used to their routine by now, so nothing really caused disruption anymore. It was why Haruka was unprepared to be a disruption himself.

“Haru~” Mahiru called. “Wow!” 

His eyes widened. As he scrambled for a reply, Mikoto nodded from another table. “So colorful!” All the eyes turned to him. Even Es turned from where they were speaking with Jackalope in the kitchens. They all smiled at him.

“How fashionable!”

“It suits you well.”

“Aw, look at you!”

The sudden praise forced his hands up to cover the huge smile on his face. “Me?” 

He could feel his cheeks redden, but his heart raced in excitement. At their request, he did a stiff turn to show off the whole outfit. “Ah… it’s only because of Muu…”

“And it looks like I did a great job!” She appeared beside him, pressing her palms together. “You look wonderful.”

With so many kind eyes on him, he couldn’t help the giggle that spilled between his fingers. 

“Buuut Muu can’t take all the credit,” she said. “Or your clothes. This is you. You look happier. You’re holding yourself differently.”

“I didn’t know…” He hadn’t meant to do that. That was a good thing, right? Haruka felt his legs shift, as he thought too hard about how he was standing.

Is this why he was forgiven? People were finally seeing him. Es really looked at them during his interrogation. The prisoners had noticed him more and more. Even the voices that whispered in his cell at night had taken a strong interest in him. And now, everyone was showering him with their praises. Muu was right, it was more than the bright colors he was wearing.

“Yeah, you seem more confident.” 

He lowered his hands to return her beaming smile.

“I… I think I am.”

[alteon77]

Updated Masterlist of Writing and Art

About the writer/artist: I like to write and paint. My current obsession is Sandman, but I enjoy most fantasy fandoms as well as anime (I think I’m on season seven billion of One Piece right now 🤣). I'm also weird as they come (and awkward, too), so just please ignore my oddball (coughTERRIBLEcough) sense of humor.

On a more personal note, I have PTSD and suffer from severe manic depressive episodes. Writing and art are my most familiar coping mechanisms, and I need them like I need oxygen. Seriously, there were times in my life that knowing I had to finish a story or a piece of art was the only thing stopping me from ending up dead. So, I don't take part in fandom drama. Having my peace and protecting my mental health are very big deals to me, and I won't risk those for anything if I can help it.

As for my writing, it ranges from short one-shots to ridiculously long novel series. I use third person POV (on longer series) as well as second person (on shorter things). I also try to always exclude physical descriptions when writing main character OCs and assign them nicknames to avoid using Y/N. I love to read Y/N fics, but writing them makes me feel like I'm at work. And who actually wants to ever feel like they're at work when they're engaging in a hobby? Definitely not me.

Lastly, there's usually more stuff on my AO3 page than I have listed here, because I forget to post it pretty often. Oops. I'll get around to moving it all over one day. Probably. Maybe.

Feel free to leave an ask if you want or just drop by my DMs. <3

Artwork links are at the bottom of this list, so if you're here for those, that's where they are.

Sandman 'Verse

All the Precious and Fragile Things (so easily do they break)

After banishing his lover from the Dreaming for her betrayal, Morpheus learns that she is pregnant with his child.

And that she’s been captured by a revenge-seeking Alexander Burgess.

What the both of them are unaware of is that this will set in motion a cascade of unfavorable events, causing a chain reaction that threatens the whole of existence itself.

PART I: All of This Past

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

PART II: These Tender, Loving Mercies

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

PART III: When It All Falls Down

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

PART IV: The Dark of War

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Chapter 46

Chapter 47

Epilogue

Sometimes He's Sweet

Morpheus hates the holidays.

As excited as she seems to experience the mortal holiday, he's… less so. Much less so. With the entire collective unconscious contained within him, this time of year can be wholly overwhelming, a miasma of too much red and green, too much worry, too much loneliness, too much excitement, too many similarly themed dreams, too many similarly themed nightmares, and far far too many holiday songs. It all bleeds out from the collective unconscious into his own mind, sticks there like weeping sap to a tree until he feels half-mad with the unrelenting presence of it, with his inability to get free from its cloying trespass upon his very being.

This is just a little sweet fluff for the holiday season. It takes place between chapters 19 and 20 of "All the Precious and Fragile Things". No spoilers here if you've read that far!

The Dog Debacle (or how best to sneak a dragon into the dreaming)

Morpheus' daughter gets a new dog.

Well..... kind of.

That Familiar Feeling of Family (or how Hob Gadling ended up as an uncle to his stranger's oftentimes feral children)

It's a pretty universally known thing that families are just strange. As Hob is quickly figuring out, however, this little fact is magnified by AT LEAST a billion when the family in question is Endless.

(A lighthearted story in which Hob Gadling finds out his stranger has married, makes friends with a homicidal maniac/ruler, and manages to become an exemplary uncle to a pack of magically mischievous children. Really, now all he has to do is convince everyone to stop calling his and Dream's weekly meetups "playdates", and then his life would be practically perfect.)

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

The Maker, the Muse, and the Sundered Song

In his temple, what remains of Orpheus waits in trepidation. Something is changing. Something that he knows might alter the very fabric of the world as he understands it.

Finally freed from captivity, Calliope struggles to make any meaningful changes to the laws that saw her bound and taken in the first place. When the strange woman appears on Mount Parnassus and offers help, Calliope knows she would be a fool not to accept it. Even if she thinks that she's being lied to.

Meanwhile in the peace of the Dreaming, Morpheus grapples with guilt over his son's fate. As he basks in the love of his new children, he can't help but to regret his own failings where Orpheus is concerned.

And as for May, she's really just got a job to do. And her own traumatic issues to deal with. And if it's all hella awkward because she's having to work alongside her husband's ex-wife, she'll see it done anyway. There's even the small possibility that she might eventually admit to Calliope the truth about her identity. That is if she can ever actually work up the courage to say it aloud.

Chapter 1

Nothing in This Closet but Boots and a Boy

Morpheus is wildly protective of his daughter.

That's probably bad for the boy in said daughter's closet.

AU's and Other Stuff in the Sandman 'Verse

Of Exes, Hellhounds, and Waffle Fries

Morpheus shows up to rescue the woman he probably loves (though he won't admit it) from hellhounds and ends up getting roped into helping with her family. This is one of those extras that doesn't fit into the main story, but it's fun, so I'm posting it.

The Bizarre Breeding Habits of Anthropomorphic Personifications

It's a tale as old as time.

Two idiots fall in love. Two idiots fall out of love.

Neither one of them is expecting a baby to come along and derail their unhappily ever after.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Original Fanart

I like to play around with different styles and to try new things with my artwork. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. I'm still learning, and I am so far from being a professional that it's laughable. But I only post things that I think look decent or that I think others might enjoy.

The Lover's Argument (Morpheus x oc)

Oneiros (Morpheus in Grecian garb)

Because I could not stop for Death, she kindly stopped for me... (Regency era Dream and Death)

[vanillann]

within the vision (bucky barnes x f.reader)

a/n: i’m going to be naming each chapter based on a sitcom from that time era, cause i can!! also i’m so glad everyone liked the prologue!!

warning: WANDAVISION SPOILERS, swearing, suggestive language, talks of past trauma, AU

word count: 1.9k

within the vision masterlist

Chapter 1: Born Yesterday 

“Do you remember everything we just went over?”

I rolled my eyes, snapping the silver bracelet on my wrist, the little charm would be normal to anyone else but Bucky and I knew the content.

“No, I forgot everything,” I turned to Tony, smiling sarcastically when he frowned.

“We should have given you up for adoption,” Tony titled his head, the tiniest smile on his lips and he played with the technology again.

The room felt packed with people, Tony and Bruce running around the technology, Bucky and I waiting beside two beds that were shoved beside Wanda’s, and Steve and Sam leaned against the wall trying to tell me to stop with this plan.

“We don’t know what could happen,” Steve repeated again, his arms crossed as Tony gave Bucky his bracelet, thicker than mine but still normal enough to not have anyone question it.

We had taken extra steps to ensure our safety as nobody knew exactly where we were going.

“You both need to get out as soon as the mission's over,” Bruce nodded, to both of us. His finger danced across the different screen, Tony and himself were the only ones who understood it.

“I was planning on going on a walk before I came back.” Bruce rolled his eyes, but gave me a hint of a smile. He understood my defense mechanism, one of the few people who never got mad when I couldn’t be completely serious. One plus for anger management classes.

“I regret doing this already,” Bucky spoke under his breath, looking up to Sam who gave a fake thumbs up.

“If it comes down to it, leave Bucky,” he responded, earning a thumbs up from me.

“I hate both of you.”

Bucky and I both laid in our own bed, our combat gear already on as we laid back slightly, Tony taking Bucky's side while Bruce came to mine.

“We’re going to first hook you to this machine to keep track of your vitals,” I said nothing, watching Bruce shove the IV in my arm and playing with the machine a bit to make sure everything was okay.

“Next, on the count of three you’ll press the button on the bracelet. Remember you need to keep your mind focused on Wanda for this to work,” Tony continues with his run on sentence, only stopping once Bucky and I both nodded once.

I felt the chill suddenly run up my body, suddenly nervous to just hind out in my best friend's mind. Especially since she had always been younger than me, I felt weirdly awkward now.

“Are you both sure about this?”

I saw Bucky nodded slightly from the bed beside me, suddenly all eyes on me. I felt myself shift in the bed, avoiding eye contact.

“(Y/N)?”

“I’m fine, I just need a second,” I spoke after Steve, smiling at his worried glares but said nothing else of it.

You were doing this for her own good, you were helping her. This wasn’t you reading her diary after teasing about her crush, this was her turning into herself not knowing we were waiting for her.

“I’m good,” I laid down on the bed, not looking at anyone as my other hand searched for the button. I wasn’t going to mess this up cause I couldn’t find a button.

“Okay, remember to stay safe and think about Wanda.”

I nodded lightly, trying my best to zone in on Wanda while Tony’s count down filled the room.

“One.”

I thought back to young Wanda and Pietro trying to hide my shoes before one of my first dates when I was 14.

“Two.”

Wanda giggling in my room at the compound when Steve went on a manhunt for me because I was late for practice.

“Three.”

I felt my finger smash the button, thinking of Wanda’s face as she held off Thanos with Vision life in her hand. I thought of her tearful face as she gave me one last glance before everything blew up before my body was smashed against the nearby tree.

The weird feeling around me gave me a stomach ache. The feeling of falling when you were about to sleep almost, but my eyes refused to open as the wind rushed past me. I wanted to panic, to pull myself from whatever I walked into, but I simply couldn’t.

I couldn't sense anyone around me, my body was all alone falling and I couldn’t stop it. I was a controlled person, I enjoyed control and suddenly that word didn’t even exist anymore.

Then it stopped, the falling was gone and my eyes were pushed open. My body was moved differently, pushed against something. When I slowly moved around I noticed the slight dusk of the sky.

“(Y/N)?” My name whispered filled the same space I sat in, I looked around trying to get my brain to focus on one thing. I felt something cold against my wrist cause me to jump, pushing harder into the rough back.

I looked down, Bucky's face laid under whatever I was sitting on. I looked up, noticing the windows and the steering wheel slightly ahead of me. I took in the leather under my fingers, seeing there wasn’t a door handle in the back and how low the roof was.

But that didn't worry me, what worried me was I couldn’t make out any other colors besides black, white, and grey. I looked to Bucky, hoping to see the light pale skin on his face but was met with white, almost like a white crayon that had been run in black dust lightly.

“Where the hell are we?”

“Wanda’s head, I thought this was your plan,” Bucky slowly sat up from the floor of the backseat, I had luckily ended up on the actual seat. I looked out, hoping to see the colors of the sky but I was met with the same grey color.

“Can you see color?”

“Can’t say I do,” Bucky rubbed his arm, slowly moving to sit in the same space I had made for him on the seat.

I finally looked around the rest of the area, noticing the row of houses and other such things. The trees and bushes reminded me of the old movie Steve would make us watch, looking like something out of a sitcom.

“What are you wearing?”

I frowned as I looked at Bucky, his eyes held confusion as he looked me up and down once. I looked down at myself, shocked to find myself in a dress, definitely not my combat gear. The material was dark, I couldn’t tell more, and a fake belt was sowed into the thick fabric.

“I haven’t seen one of those in awhile,” Bucky picked up a piece of the dress at the end, rubbing the material between his fingers when I slapped it from his wands. That when I heard it, laughing. Not like you told a funny joke laughing, like a sitcom laugh.

I pointed to Bucky, my eyes wide as I waited for who knew what. When I saw Bucky slowly look up at me from the place he looked at my dress I knew he heard it. That's when I noticed the suit he was wearing, specifically an older looking arm suit. I looked back around the car, spotting the matching hat to the suit on the dash of the car. I didn’t say anything, slowly reaching up to grab it when I saw a door open.

A lady with dark hair and bright smiles walked out, held a hand slightly in the air if she were to hold a cigarette but no smoke came out. She was talking to someone, whoever was in the house. Suddenly I watched the owner lean out slightly, my jaw going slack as I saw Wanda’s bright smile hides behind loopy curls.

“Doll-”

“Don’t call me that,” I spoke softly, doing my best to keep the facade up but I was so shocked, Wanda was lightly pushing the woman out the house, almost as if begging her to leave with a little laugh. She looked the same, only dressed up similar to me.

“You’re going to want to see this,” he tugged on my dress, my hand slapping it away again but he yanked hard. He sent me flying to the back seat of the car. my side pushed into his with a loud oof.

I heard that stupid sitcom laugh again, trying to push it to the make of my mind as I pushed away from Bucky. I hit him in the side with the hat I had managed to take back with me, my mouth wide open to yell but Bucky shoved something in my face.

I could spot the coke logo from miles away, only it wasn’t the saem logo I had always remembered. The bottles were glass and the writing looked much more vintage. That when I noticed Bucky tapping on a part of the label, my eyes reading over the information their.

Expiration date: July 6th, 1953

“1953?” I looked around the neighborhood again, suddenly realizing the vintage cars that were parked along the streets and the dress that hung off my frame.

“How?”

“I don't hear you asking how we ended up in the wrong decade,” My voice was stern as he spoke, watching the dark haired lady finally leave Wanda’s porch and go to her own house close by.

“Not the time,” Bucky finally sat up slightly, watching the lady walk in her house.

“When is the time then? Maybe the 70s or do you wanna wait til the 90s,” I snapped, looking over my shoulder with a pout. His face was so close to me, I finally noticed his once long hair was cut short.

He looked like he had in those photos of Steve and himself, back from the 40s.

“Well, what do we do know?” Bucky looked at me, his nose almost hitting mine when he turned but I had slightly moved back.

“I guess blend it?” I shrugged, hearing that stupid sitcom laugh that I wanted ro punch in the face.

“How do you suppose we do that?”

I looked around the neighborhood, smiling when I noticed the house across from Wanda’s had a large “FOR SALE” sign standing in the front yard.

“Break into that house and act like we belong here,” I smirked, ignoring Bucky as I slowly climbed into the front seat of the car. I heard Bucky yell out about me kicking him but I didn’t care as I made it to the driver seat, pushing open the door.

“For your information, I do belong here,” were the last words I heard from Bucky before I closed the door, smiling over at the house and trying to keep my voice low to not attract wandering eyes. I stood in the same place for a second, suddenly my view changed from house to concrete. I felt a little bump on my backside and frown when I heard Bucky laugh.

“Should’ve held the door,” I noticed his combat boots beside my face. Normally I would have bought him down with me but I decided it would bring too much attention and simply pushed myself from the ground.

“I hate you,” I frowned, slamming my foot into the road when I heard that stupid laugh sound around me again.

“Okay okay,” Bucky held out two arms from me, trying his best to calm me down but it wasn’t any use, I simply pointed to the sign, turning back to look at Bucky with a serious look in my eye.

“We are stealing that sign and moving to that house.”

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marvel taglist:

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<prologue - chapter 2>

[voidcat]

– a case of bad luck

2. a deal (with the devil)

m.list ; prev ; next ; wc: 2.1k

a/n: society if i could w r i t e,,, anwyays i feel im making mafia dazai ooc? i hope not, ive just began the light novels dsfdg uh yea i'll probs update once a week (depends on how often i can write)

Insisting he leaves you off at the station, you let out a breath of relief for the first time in hours. Unsure he may still be following, you change directions few times, walk fast and use shortcuts only locals of the neighbourhoods know to get him off your track. Just in case.

The next day he doesn’t show up, neither does he the day after. Not knowing how to feel or what to think about this, because there is no way he will let you slide off this easily, you do your best to resist the relief.

And soon later, it blurs back in your head, like smoke dissolving, like a bad dream.

But the unease never leaves. Neither does the feeling of being watched.

Then one lunch break, your eyes get fixed on a spot by the sidewalk and you can swear it’s the same clothes, the bandages, the posture and the look and everything crashes down back on you again. You do your best to linger and change directions as many times as you can on the way home that evening. Nothing goes wrong that night, or the day after or the day after that. If the false of sense peace were to go for few more days, you think you’ll forget all that happened again, too focused on school or whatever your friends recently bringing up.

A bell to mark the school hours ending, walking outside, caught up in whatever you’re discussing and he just stands there, like it’s nothing, like he belongs to his peer group, missing some of the bandages you saw on his face before, clothes not sticking out like you thought they would.

He stands there and smiles your way.

You think, you’ve never wanted to punch someone in your life as you do in this very moment. Just to erase that smile off his face.

In your view, he only gets bigger with each step, the flock of students you’re stuck in only walking towards where he waits and you look around for a way to sneak out but nada! Nothing! And your friends have grown suspiciously quieter than the usual. Stealing glances from one another and from you, the snicker like they’re sharing this little surprise for you.

Shorter than calculated, you find yourself standing right in front of him.

No words on his end and the expecting looks on you make the air tense.

“Hi… Dazai!” You say at one point, fake enthusiasm clear, not that they seem to mind nor realize. “What brings you here?”

“I was just in the city as you see. And decided, what better time to surprise an old friend than now?” The smile vanishes for a moment, the forced school play act making you want to roll your eyes but he puts a hand on your shoulder suddenly, you wince and shake his hand off, and he continues. “So, have you got the time to show me around and catch up?”

“Do I have a choice?” Followed by a dry laugh, you look back to your friends who only seem satisfied, makes you wonder what kind of lie he sold before he got here. His smile grows wider in reply.

You sigh and start to walk by his side, taking a step a second later than him to keep a distance and to see where you’re headed.

“What did you tell them exactly?” your curiosity takes the best of you as you reach a traffic light.

A little ‘huh?’ coming from him, he turns back to glance at you, the sun behind his head makes his height apparent. The short lived look of asking he gives you dies as he tilts his head “I only told them a cliché story, assumed they’d fall for cheesy scenarios such as that.”

Red turns green.

You take a step by his side, no more following behind. “Which is?..”

“That we were old friends with a shared history of potential intimacy and I wanted to take you out now that we are back together again!” He says it like it’s so usual.

The two of you reach the pavement and continue to walk, never faltering.

Letting your eyes linger on him for a while, you turn your gaze back on the streets as the sense of familiarity begins to vanish. “I didn’t take you for the romcom type.” You say at last as you stop.

“I’m not.” He doesn’t spare a glance this time. “I just know someone who likes them.”

The number of people around decrease with each step, the air gets colder –maybe it’s your nerves. The light starts to fade and not a word has been spoken for quite some time. Not that either of you were dying for some get-to-one-another.

When he speaks again, you don’t hear it at first. “Your ability-”

You halt with a stomp of your foot. “I don’t have one.”

He narrows his eyes in annoyance, “Your ability must be based on some form of speech, as Akutagawa served a good example that night.”

The name barely rings a bell in your memory.

“Question is, what kind of speech it requires? Does it rhyme, should commands work, shall it be sang, like a siren?”

“These are all excellent questions, except for one big missing piece…” you answer. The mention of something missing seems to get his attention. “…That I do not have an ability.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he huffs, the ever growing annoyance levels can tell alone you’re pushing the little bit of luck you have.

“Then how did Akutagawa pass out exactly?” hands back under his coat.

“There was blood on him? Maybe he’s sick? He definitely looked the part.” You say as more of a suggestion than an answer.

“The men inside the building. The one with his internal organs out.” Words get colder with each breathe.

Yours fade as his grow colder, “Maybe the other captured guy did it?”

“You don’t sound sure, weren’t you right next to him?” suspicion of a knowing parent hinted in his voice almost, he already must’ve figured it all out that night.

“I…” the pavement looks gray, stones crooked, countless fights must’ve gone through here before.

“I don’t know.” From the edge that connects the floor to the walls, you try inspecting each dull color behind the lifeless filter, not acknowledging him standing there doesn’t feel any safer but it’s preferable to those eyes.

His lips don’t move but the ‘You don’t know?’ is heavy in the air.

“I don’t know! I don’t remember!” someone’s yelling reaches your ears. “I just!-“

The yelling was yours, your arms fall back, go back up and you hold yourself, “I was… singing? To calm down… And the rest is just a blur.”

When you look up, he looks as disinterested. You consider yelling, asking for an explanation, what he’s thinking; it’s not that hard to piece it all, you think, but this demeanor rubs you the wrong way. The longer the silence goes, the eerier it becomes, the emptiness of the alley you’re standing in stands out. The lack of people, noise, light, it’d almost crash down on you if it wasn’t soin the open ever since he showed up.

“The words you spoke to Akutagawa. Are they from a song?”

“The ‘go to sleep’ you mean?” you finger quote the lyric, “it’s from Beach Life In-“ you stop with a shake of your head, “it’s from a song, yes.”

When you look again, it feels like an adult waiting for a child to connect the dots in front of them, like you’re the only one in the world who hasn’t figured it out already.

“But it makes no sense.” Hands on hips, eyes focused on a pebble near your foot, “I mean- it’s not like I haven’t sung before?” You turn then, start to pace, a hand on your forehead to push back the few strands brushing against your forehead.

It starts to warm up, or feels like it, each strand of hair just there, existing, leaving its weight on you, tickling, annoying, bothering; suffocating-

He cannot be right, can he?

Sure, self-awareness can change for each person but something so important as an ability shouldn’t be missed that easily… being a stranger to yourself when a stranger figured it out in mere seconds- it’s ridiculous, it simply doesn’t make sense, he must be wrong or confuse you with someone else, how can it be that bad, how can my perception be that bad, what else did I miss if all this is true and happening-

“Despite how the Port Mafia appears,” his voice pulls you out of your head, “ability users is not such a common occurrence. And surely the ability to affect your surroundings, or make people act certain ways is one we cannot let go of.”

I should drink some water, a part of you says when you gulp at his implications, ‘we cannot let go’ just gets out of his mouth and stays right in front of you, in bold jet black letters.

“What you should ask yourself is if you felt anything during all these times of singing…” silence feels enough of an answer, hyped up or not there isn’t much to feel, much to wish for. “Or if the words you snag back then were for you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” “What did you feel that night?”

“Typical fight or flight response? Adrenaline, instinct to survive?”

“Stop assuming and start being more confident.” (like that night) a part of you yells, in his voice, though his is devoid of any emotion. You don’t want to learn how he sounds when he yells.

“I wanted to get out.” You try again. “Not to survive but to avoid death or whatever was awaiting me until that.” Sounds more like you, you straighten your back. “I didn’t want to stay any longer to see what they’d do to me so I found a way out.” He almost seems pleasant to hear the change in you, maybe it’s time to surprise him a little more.

“So let’s say,” you start pacing again, less like rambling and more like an animal circling, not a prey but a threat, because that’s what he is, what he has been and will be, “that I have an ability that I can use only when my emotional capacity is at a certain level… why would a mafia executive want me to have a better understanding of it?”

The radius decreasing with each step, you end your steps right in front of his face “what makes you think I won’t use it, right now, on you?” each pause between the words to make it clear this is a threat, no more of the power balance he held over you for too long. Your back to the beginning of the alley, you’re ready, in case he is one of them –if not, he might still have a gun.

He doesn’t falter, not a hair on him moves. Until he chuckles, at you and your words.

The vibration in his voice, nor the laughter reach his eyes.

“There are quite a few reasons why this won’t do, like how you cannot use it.”

The confidence in his voice makes the truth more unbearable.

“And besides, even if you managed to use it, it wouldn’t take me long to stop you.”

“Are you that fast?”

“Are you?”

This marks the end of it, as much as it pains to admit he is right, a part of you doesn’t want it, doesn’t feel the same sense of danger and survival to run away.

And regardless of all the threat he possesses, he doesn’t seem all too willing to get rid of you.

Rolling your eyes, you turn and walk away to the blinking store lights from the street. A second set of footsteps catch up to you in few long strides.

“So what is this then? You’re going to help me use my ability and leave me in debt?” reaching the traffic lights, you step onto the road without batting an eye.

“Why would I agree to something like that?” the car drives by, almost brushing your back. The sun has begun to set already, the colors mixing together.

The wind carries away his words but you catch them just in time: “You have a family and a cat, don’t you?”

You stop and look up. “Not a cloud in sight. Was it a sign of a rainy day to follow?” ignore the implications, don’t think about the faces. “A cloudy day perhaps, I always mix up the tells of the sky.”

“I’ll be around.” And he leaves with that.

[scripttorture]

I have a character who was a slave but was rescued and freed after about 2 years in slavery and eventually goes on to rescue other people in slavery. While in slavery, he was punished often with denial of food as well as being whipped and beaten when he refused to work. He also had his tongue partially cut out as a punishment. I already have a good idea about the psychological effects he is going to have, but I’m struggling with the physical effects and how long it would take to recover

Part of the answer here depends on this character’s age because while adults can generally make a good recovery from periods of starvation the effects on children (especially young children) are a lot more long lasting.

 The best places to start for the effects of starvation on adults are probably the Minnesota Starvation Experiment and the World Health Organisation (WHO, general link here, 1999 pamphlet on malnutrition in all ages here).

 Recovery is generally pretty quick unless someone’s at the point where they’re near death.

 Refeeding syndrome can be an issue in some cases (especially famine or forced labour camps) but it doesn’t have to be one here. If the character is eating normally (as opposed to being fed by IV for instance) then refeeding syndrome is less likely. My understanding is that this is because the body suppresses appetite during starvation so that it only takes in what it can manage (appetite recovers quickly as the patient regains weight.)

 There’s a detailed NHS guide to refeeding in adult here. It should give you an idea of how at risk your character is and how much food he’ll be able to handle in his first few days of recovery.

 A physical recovery period of around 1-3 months depending on the degree of starvation is reasonable. In this case by ‘recovery’ I mean being able to do normal physical activity, a return to previous healthy weight, or higher weight, return to normal appetite and nutrient levels.

 Recovery can be delayed by additional illness: it’s easier for starving people to contract diseases or infections and it takes longer for them to fight them off.

 There’s also a difference depending on whether you’re talking about a character who is consistently under fed and forced to work versus a character who is usually provided with enough food but sometimes denied food completely/on very reduced rations for periods of a few days. Consistent starvation and malnutrition is much more usual in slavery and… much more likely to be fatal.

 A character that has short periods where food is denied them (no more then two days) and is then allowed to eat as much as they want is probably not going to need hospital supervision/treatment for starvation. If that doesn’t sound like your character then the procedure is usually just to let the person eat as much as they want of whatever they want. The difficulty for people at this sort of stage is more about organising giving out food then it is about keeping doctors on hand to monitor them.

 Now I know less about this but I think there is some evidence that this sort of pattern of intermittent starvation (ie periods where the character is starved, then allowed to eat and this is repeated) can cause some pretty serious health effects. It can also make disordered eating behaviour more likely.

 On a cosmetic level it’s also linked to weight gain.

 Which ever option you’re picturing the following effects are all likely:

loss of muscle mass

lack of coordination

weaker bones

higher chance of hypothermia or heat exhaustion

fainting

poor circulation

higher chances of disease and infections

longer recovery time and more difficult recovery from disease and infections

 A survivor can get to a point where they’re no longer at immediate risk before they’re back to full health. It takes time to recover bone and muscle mass. It takes time for the internal organs to get back to normal. It takes time for enough fat to build up so a person’s body can regulate heat properly.

 There’s also a difference between someone being at peak physical fitness and getting back to average. My understanding is that if someone’s survived significant periods of starvation they’re… unlikely to reach peak physical fitness. If this character was an athlete or a super hero or otherwise had a physically demanding profession, they’re likely to notice a difference even when they’re ‘better’.

 They could improve with time and practice but they may never get back to their prior ability level.

 There’s evidence of epigenetic effects; the children of people who recover from starvation are likely to be shorter then the children of people who have never starved.

 The Minnesota Starvation experiment theorised that after a successful recovery there were few long term effects of starvation. There’s some evidence now that this was an optimistic conclusion but it’s difficult to get a clear picture because of the ethics around studying starvation.

 For young children starvation results in an adult who is:

physically weaker

less intelligent

more prone to illness

less able to fight off illness

has a shorter life expectancy

is physically smaller

 Starvation of children represents a blunting of potential: they will never reach their full strength or intelligence even if they may be stronger/smarter then some individuals. And there is really nothing that can be done to treat that. They needed food over a crucial period and did not receive it. The damage is done and can not currently be treated or healed.

 Beatings over a long period of time and forced labour both have a tendency to cause chronic pain in the joints. Shoulders and knees seem particularly common.

 There are a lot of possible causes for this sort of chronic pain. Ligament and muscle damage s possible. Beatings with objects can cause bone fragments to uh break away and lodge in soft tissues. Soft tissues around joints can be damaged.

 And there are also psychological causes or combinations of both physical damage and psychological causes.

 For instance this is something I saw in an account from a survivor of child abuse. The survivor had been punished using standing stress positions and he found as an adult that he got shooting pains in the backs of his legs while stressed at work. With the help of his doctors he found that when he was stressed he leaned forward on to his toes, mimicking part of the stress position he’d been subjected to as a child. This put more strain on his legs and caused the pain.

 These kinds of responses can be very difficult to stop.

 What I’m trying to illustrate here is that disabling pain is really common in survivors and you don’t necessarily need to know a specific cause for it.

 Chronic pain can cause long term problems to do with mobility and performing everyday activities. Most often it means that survivors need to rest more often, they may have less stamina and they might need to do things in ‘odd’/unusual ways in order to comfortably perform the activity.

 For instance someone with chronic pain in their shoulders might struggle to hang wet clothes on a line that’s above their heads. So they might get in the habit of lowering the clothes line, attaching the clothes and then raising it by pulling on the cord at waist height. They might have trouble moving their shoulder to put on jackets, so they could use their body weight to ‘flip’ the arm joint to the correct position without involving the muscles of the shoulder.

 Someone with knee pain would probably be more particular about the height of chairs in their house. They may stop keeping things in low drawers or shelves.

 Consider where your character might have pain, what activities might make it worse and life style adaptions you can work in to your story.

 These can actually be a great world building/character detail. Especially because healthy people have a tendency to assume these adaptions are eccentricities rather then necessity, prompting conversation between characters.

 There is one part of this scenario that worries me: mutilating the tongue.

 Cutting out tongues is one of those things that comes up a lot in fiction and is generally… less survivable then people assume. Tongues are not just for verbal communication: they’re a pretty essential part of how we swallow food and water, not to mention detecting whether said food/water is edible and they contain a lot of blood vessels. There’s a reason things like tongue splitting and tongue piercing don’t tend to show up as traditional body modification practices.

 The process of partially removing a tongue is life threatening in and of itself. Victims can drown in their own blood. Inflammation can block the airways causing suffocation. Infection can make breathing, eating or drinking impossible (increasing the chance of death from infection.)

 If the victim survives (some definitely did) they’d have trouble eating and drinking for the rest of their lives. This means malnutrition is likely, leading to shorter life expectancies and higher chances of disease (apart from the conditions malnutrition itself causes.)

 It also means recovery from starvation would be significantly longer. Which means a longer period when the character’s more at risk from infection and disease as well as the general uh ‘problems’ starvation causes.

 I’m not saying you’ve created an unsurvivable scenario. We know from history that some people have gone through stuff like this and survived.

 What I’m saying is the survival rate is low. Those survivors (and your character) got lucky.

 Keep that in mind when you write this scenario.

 In terms of long term recovery I honestly have no idea how a removed tongue is treated, I’m not a medic. I can guess at some lifestyle adaptions though.

 Because it makes eating more difficult I think it’s likely a survivors would have smaller meals and more frequent meals rather then large portions that might be cold/unpleasant by the time they’ve finished eating. They’d probably learn to cut their food into smaller pieces and might avoid tougher foods that require more chewing. Their sense of the taste and texture of food would be impaired which might effect their enjoyment of food which could in turn effect their motivation to eat and their recovery.

 Overall I think the take away message here is that while most of the physical long term effects of slavery are not immediately life threatening they have a massive effect on long term quality of life.

 A lot of survivors of modern slavery come out of similar time frames to this disabled by a combination of chronic pain, joint problems and untreated injury or disease.

 One of the recurring themes in Kara’s interviews with slaves is that slavery physically ages people. The combination of extreme distress, physical abuse, overwork, sleep deprivation and malnutrition makes survivors appear much older then they are.

 But the reasons why, the injuries and marks of abuse are often not immediately obvious.

 I hope that helps :)

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[stilwaterskeeter]

Rewriting Saints Row IV

Hi this is my absolute least favorite game of the series and I kind of hate it! But here I am regardless putting my time and efforts into making an entire post dedicated to what I like and (in my opinions) how to fix the parts I don’t like...

This is also written to match by SRTT post rather than the base canon for the games! Which literally changes nothing but Johnny is already known to be alive before this game, so yknow...

This is also a HUGE post whoops

And again, this is just for fun. Don’t like it? Don’t interact with it. I’m not forcing you to read this. That being said, I do like discussing this kind of stuff so I totally up if you wanna just talk about alternatives or how you think things would play out and stuff

Plot/Story Specific Changes:

President’s Cabinet:

Fuck Keith David! Get him out of here! Leave sir! Go back to your movies!

Johnny Gat is our new Vice President because we know regardless of his skill at the matter, The Boss would make him his VP

This also gives Ben King a lot more reason to hold it against The Boss that he isn’t the VP, because at least before Keith David was a likable actor and had his own skillset for the role. Now it’s Johnny fucking Gat who has all the diplomatic and political tact of a shoe

The Boss’ dream isn’t some stupid 50s sitcom, that was so dumb, hardehar 50s is so nice and polite my ass

I think shit like meeting Julius, the boat explosion, Dex’s attempt to kill them, Magarac Statue blowing up even if they tried to go there, Johnny bleeding out after the fight with Jyunichi, and probably much more are better suited pieces to a much larger much more intimidating and genuine nightmare sim that would have broken The Boss inevitably

All the times they almost died because they weren’t quick enough, all the times they just barely saved their friends? A lot scarier than “oh noes I cawn’t kiww anybodwy uwu” crap

Zinyak doesn't really destroy the Earth

First of all: I don’t think he’d waste so many potential assets over the folly of one idiot

Second of all: The man’s supposed to be like a genius of sorts? So I find it ridiculous that he doesn’t have the ability to hide the fact that Earth is Actually Totally Fine from an idiot like The Boss

Third of all: To avoid Kinzie being oh so smart and debunking Zinyak’s scheme- She’s absolutely distraught when the Earth blew up and surprisingly caught up in her emotions, a pretty new thing for her. So I think it’s plausible she would bee too caught up in the moment to do much and afterwards is too caught up trying to help The Boss find and rescue what they believe is the last hopes for humanity

Kinzie doesn’t save anyone before The Boss, she goes straight for The Boss and before trying to go to Earth, they rescue Johnny Gat

Kinzie was prepared prior to saving The Boss with a few locations already in mind that she found as she was looking for them

One of which obvs ended up being Johnny

Another of which is a Surprise Prison that will help us later

All she knows is that it’s definitely based from Stilwater in ye olden days (first game, not actually ye olden days lmao) so she was assuming it was definitely either The Boss or Johnny

(Spoiler it’s Lin)

Additionally: The sim we do activities and hang out in isn’t Steelport. It should have been Stilwater and you know it.

After the Earth is “destroyed” and The Boss needs to go back into the sim and start recruiting people, Johnny steps in a lot when discussing who to save next

Sorry Matt, your rescue is getting pushed back a little

Johnny’s very adamant about not saving Matt first, “We are not saving that little goth punk whatever kid before we save our girl and Pierce. I don’t give a fuck that you’re president, I’m impeaching you, we’re saving Shaundi next. Not Matt.”

Shaundi’s nightmare sim stays relatively the same, but maybe polish up the writing better

I like her nightmare and the angle, but the writing just felt very,,,awkward to me?

She was supposed to be hung up on feeling helpless and the fact that she felt that because she was always “the damsel” and in need of protection, that Johnny was gone

But the writing kind of just skimmed over that

Then they save Pierce because, yeah, they give him a lot of shit, but he’s one of Johnny and The Boss and Shaundi’s closest friends and Johnny’s already made it clear they’re not saving anyone else until they got both Shaundi and Pierce back

Then you have the 3 rescues that you pick the order for

Asha

Ben

Matt

Then comes the replacement for Johnny’s canon rescue; It’s Lin’s Rescue Now

Kinzie isn’t sure who it really could be because they already have The Boss and Johnny, and they’ve already identified which sim is Ben’s

She asks Pierce and Shaundi for help trying to identify the sim while Johnny and The Boss are fuckin around in the sim

Neither of them have a clue who it could be

But both of them recognize the invading gang members in the sim as Westside Rollerz members so they recommend asking Johnny and The Boss about it

Johnny and The Boss have a moment of “Holy fucking shit, there’s no way” “It couldn’t be her, could it?” all the while the rest of the crew is just like “Any day now, who couldn’t it be?”

Lin’s nightmare sim is the events following up to her kidnapping and then the moments before Zinyak got her when she was in the process of drowing

A street race where some shithead Roller sabotaged Lin’s car so she had to forfeit midrace and then some guys kidnap her

I was figuring you’d be racing to catch up to her and then the race ends for you when she has to pullover

And then a brief cutscene of her trying to fight of some Rollerz goons while The Boss is locked in their car and can’t get out no matter how hard they try to break the window or bust it open

Then a followup cutscene Lin and Sharp arguing about The Playa not arriving to her rescue

“It appears to me like your little friend won’t be joining us. Oh well, we’ll take care of them soon enough. For now, just you will have to do.”

“Could your head be any further up your ass? Get on with it already, I’m getting bored here.”

And a short line from The Boss like, “What an asshole, jokes on him I wasted that son of a bitch years ago. And I’m not leaving without Lin this time.”

The last part is a timed boss battle with Sharp

Kinzie’s trying to do her tech thing and find a workaround to save Lin from drowning while The Boss fends off Sharp and miscellaneous goons

After Lin’s rescued and Sharp is dead, she steals the gun from The Boss in a cutscene and empties it into Sharp

“I have been waiting too fucking long to do that.”

There’s a brief reunion scene between her and The Boss

“Man, you don’t know how glad I am to see you.”

“Oh. My. God. You can fucking talk, that’s almost as crazy as the fact I’ve been living in this hellhole for years....You look good, did you do something to your hair?”

“You have no idea, Lin. You’ve missed a lot.”

“Nothing we can’t talk about over a beer after we get out of here. Speaking of, you got a plan for that or-?”

Kinzie chimes in, “I do.”

Kinzie isn’t the one who defends Matt when he says the mission is a bad idea because that was dumb and out of character, agree with him maybe, but not defend him

Instead of Keith’s betrayal/loyalty mission/whatever; We get Lin going into the simulation on her own to try and save Donnie after having Matt find his sim for her when The Boss pushes off saving Donnie as something to do later since Donnie’s not exactly useful in a mission like saving the universe and destroying Zinyak

“How do you even know he’s not dead? What makes you think Zinyak even abducted him?”

“Because I know he’s still alive, and Matt found him.”

“Look, we’ll take care of this after we end Zinyak. There’s no cars for him to rig or information to leak to us with these guys.”

“There’s gotta be a fucking reason he got abducted, playa. He’s worth saving.”

Johnny chimes in, “We’re not saving your stupid boyfriend right now, Lin. We have bigger fucking problems to deal with.”

It just progresses into a whole fight and the others are kind of just like....”Holy shit....there’s three of them now.” until Ben King steps in and tells them to all shut the fuck up

“Listen, Lin. We’re going to get your boy, but we aren’t doing it now. It’ll be the first thing after we kick Zinyak’s ass.”

The Boss chimes in, “Who said anything about the f-”

“I said...it’ll be the first thing we do, got it?”

Donnie’s nightmare sim is The Boss attacking his garage but Lin never shows up and instead he gets “killed” and then it’s The Boss harassing him and attacking him to get him to rig the Brotherhood vehicles and for the location of Carlos and Maero threatening him and ultimately “killing” him as well and then repeat

Bet The Boss kind of feels a little bad about always picking on him now, huh

Lin is at least, she feels guilty about setting up the raid on Donnie’s garage in SR1 and then just feels really pissed off about The Boss going after him more in SR2

Eventually The Boss shows up to help and with some hacking skills(TM) is given their superpowers and Lin is given powers as well to save Donnie

Obviously he can’t believe Lin is fucking ALIVE let alone just SAVED his ass

“Y-You’re alive? But Mr.Sharp killed you! A-And I let him! They found your body in the river and-....where the hell have you been for so long?”

“Listen, Donnie, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Are you sure? Because Earth got invaded by aliens and I’ve been dying repeatedly everyday since.”

“Shit, yeah. That son of a bitch, Zinyak, saved my ass from drowning back in Stilwater. This asshole over her saved me from that.”

“I bet their to blame for all this! It’s always their fault! Ultor, STAG, Gangstas in Space, Cyrus Temple, they’re the fucking president now can you believe that?”

The Boss chimes in, “I’m standing right fucking here! And for your information, I happen to be an excellent president!”

“Now’s really not the time, playa.”

And also that The Boss also SAVED him

“I thought you fucking hated me, I can’t believe you just did that.”

“Yeah, well, don’t get your panties in a twist, I’m only here for Lin.”

“Oh.”

Okay I lied, Zinyak DOES destroy the Earth for realsies

But only towards the end of the game, like following up to the boss battle

He reveals like 

“Oh, it seems you haven’t learned your lesson then. I suppose I’ll have to really blow up your pitiful little planet then? Such a shame really, humanity could have been quite useful to the Zin Empire, but one must cut’s one’s losses sometimes. Their certainly not worth the trouble your putting me through here.”

This gives him time however to have abducted more people, including like Oleg, Viola, Donnie, etc etc etc

Fuck the Enter the Dominatrix DLC

Yeah it’s funny and all but like, where’s something actually interesting and additional to the game?

Replace it with DLC where you rescue like Viola and Oleg and stuff instead

Viola’s nightmare obviously would have to do with being stuck working for Killbane and probably have a boss battle where you fight simbane after he tries to kill Viola as well after having killed her sister

Oleg has a few options I think but the most appealing idea to me is a nightmare about him trying (and failing repeatedly) to escape the KGB

Character Specific Changes:

There really isn’t much to be put here shockingly

Maybe I’m the only one who thinks this but I think they should have expanded on the jokey romances more

I’m not talkin’ like full on bioware romances, just yknow maybe a little more than a single repeatable scene that varies from being shockingly indepth (Johnny) to just a fucking joke (Kinzie)

Maybe like add in a decision for a difference between just like casual sex or an actual romance with the characters

If you pick an actual romance then there’s random little banter lines about it when you have homies and maybe a few lines in some cutscenes or smth, nothing huge

Like say, you have Pierce and Shaundi as homies with you:

Romance Shaundi:

P: It’s about damn time someone did something

S: What are you talking about?

P: Uh, you and The Boss? Duh

S: Oh my god, shut up

P: Took ya’ long enough...y'all only been eye fucking each other as long as I can remember

S: Shut up, Pierce!

P: Chill! I’m happy for you, girl! Don’t attack me!

Romance Pierce:

S: So...you and The Boss, huh?

P: I already don’t like where this is going

S: I’m just surprised is all, you’ve been into them since like day one

P: No. I haven’t.

S: [snorts] Yeah, right. You used to get so upset when-

P: Shut up! They’re standing right there!

Or uh Pierce and Johnny:

Romance Pierce:

J: Hey, man, I’m proud of you for finally tellin’ The Boss how you feel

P: Wh- I didn’t- I’m not the one who-

J: But if you ever even think  about hurting them [cocks gun] I won’t hesitate to put a cap in your ass

P: Man, calm down. I ain’t gonna do shit, jesus

J: [laughs] I’m just messin’ with you, Pierce. I’m not gonna shoot you.....Unless...

P: This is why I don’t tell you things, Gat! What the hell, man?!

Romance Johnny:

P: I can’t believe you and The Boss weren’t already fucking

J: Me neither

P: Didn’t you ever...yknow...like wonder? You never even thought about it?

J: Oh, no. I thought about it plenty. I wasn’t about to be the one to say somethin’ though

P: Did we finally find something Johnny Gat is scared of?

J: Fuck no, man, just after what happened with Eesh-

P: So...you were scared?”

J: No!

Lin getting to know everyone is a very big thing, like she’s suddenly surrounded by new people and everyone but Johnny and The Boss from before her abduction are dead

She gets along really well with Shaundi, Johnny (duh), Ben King, Asha, and Donnie (duh)

She gets along pretty damn well with Pierce too but it’s a pretty similar teasing relationship as Shaundi and Pierce and she gives him a hard time a lot

He gripes about how he has to deal with 2 Shaundis and Lin now a lot

She and Asha are pretty different but also pretty similar, they’re both really stubborn and dedicated to what they deem their “duties” but Lin still likes to let loose and have fun a lot more than Asha

A lot of their interactions consist of Lin trying to convince Asha to just let loose “a little” and have some fun

Asha for the most part wouldn’t ever really admit that she likes Lin but if pushed she’d definitely say something like “I definitely respect her. Maybe the Saints wouldn’t be as ridiculous and out of control if she was never taken from them before.”

Also because again you can pry wlw Lin from my cold dead hands we get this exchange:

“You know...you remind me a lot of one of my exes.”

“That’s...nice.”

“Stubborn, pretty, law-abiding, all work no play-”

“Is there a point to this?”

“Not really, I just keep thinking about it.”

“I see...and what happened to them?”

“She broke up with me for some prick named Blake...[laughs] So I broke his nose next time I saw him. Detention for a month, but definitely worth it to see her face.”

“No wonder The President likes you...”

She also gets along with Matt pretty well, having gone to him to find Donnie instead of Kinzie, although that was simply because she figured Matt would keep quiet about it and not tell The Boss, as well as Kinzie was already doing 101 things for The Boss at the time

She really doesn’t understand the whole Nyteblade thing but vampires are kind of cool she guesses and also it’s not like there’s a ton of shows or books left to entertain herself with, at least with Nyteblade, Matt’s got the memory of an elephant and probably totally recreates a ton of the episodes and key scenes because he is Absolutely That Guy first of all

She ends up getting pretty into it but if you ask about it she’ll shrug it off as simply because it’s “the only show left to watch”

Lin also remarks with Shaundi how she reminds her a lot of herself

“You know, I used to be some fun loving party girl myself.”

“Really? What happened?”

“Los Carnales and Julius fucking Little. Couldn’t go five feet out of my house without some assholes doing a drive-by or starting gang wars.”

“Oh...”

“Had to step up if I wanted it to stop, we see how well that turned out.”

“...Yeah....”

Alternatively to the nightmare sim swap I listed earlier...Johnny Gat would be The Boss’ husband in the 50s nightmare sim for sure

Kinzie definitely brings that up to Johnny if they’re both homies, especially if you romanced Johnny

Matt Miller and Donnie friendship when-

Turns out Donnie’s also a fan of Nyteblade

And Matt liked the Feed Dogs’ admittedly short lived time of activity

They both geek out of dumb shit and also talk about how fuckin scary The Boss can be and how lucky they are as some of the few remaining living members of gangs that The Boss fucking demolished

CID gets a lil more establishment

aka I mean he gets like a lil hologram of what he used to look like before becoming an AI in the zin system when he’s in the sim so he can hold guns and run around with you as a homie

also cut the whole thing of him trying to bargain with The Boss for “a woman” because that entire segment was weird and uncomfortable

[nannyqueenbeastie89]

Nanny Singleness

I didn't think it was possible to write such a thing as my experience into my singleness. I remember reading similar stories and thinking “why would anyone want to write something so personal and share it for the whole world to know?” And then I had my own, and found that writing about it, was not only helpful to myself but maybe it will help someone else who has gone through or going through the mile stone of being single. There really are phases you go through, and its interesting to look back and think of all the emotions I felt and went through, with what now feels like such a short period. Time has flown by and seeing already all the new things I've done and the memories I have created along the way. The new friends I made, and friends that have stuck by my side through  it all. So here goes my insight of my own phases that I went through up to the point I am at now in my life.

Month One This is what I call the EVERY Emotion stage. I bounced back and forth the first month through so many feelings, doubts, fears, tears, anger, sadness, self hurt, low self esteem, and yes pettiness. And man was that an emotional month. I tried to do it all in one month. ‘Get over it” suuuuuuure!!! Who in the hell was I kidding. Even up till now I have my moments, they just aren't as intense or hard to get through.

Doubt: I doubted myself, and felt as though I hadn't done enough. Or I wasn't enough. I doubted being loved, or being lovable. I doubted everything, even God at one point. I thought if he allowed me to face such a toxic and heavy relationship why should I trust him? But I needed to take a step back and look back to where I went wrong… and man, that was not easy. Needless to say, it wasn't even about him (my ex). It turns out, I allowed so much to be ok, which then brought me to a point. I’ll be sure to touch on this a bit later.

Fear: I feared being alone, for once in my life I chose to walk away from someone, but was truly scared to do so. In part because I was told I couldn't do anything without them and they continuously reminded me of “all” they had done for me and saying I wouldn't be or have what I did had it not been for their “help” so naturally I was scared to step away thinking they were right. (And am I glad I didn't allow those thoughts to take over.

Tears: If you ever think of the amount of water that falls from your eyes, I can tell you I could have possibly filled buckets with the amount of tears I cried. During that first month, I cried so much. I felt like I had lost this battle of love. because when I love, I love hard. I see no one but that person and they could do no wrong in my eyes. I cried over the could of’s, would of’s, should of’s and possibilities. But none of that mattered anymore, I had to start fresh and rebuild myself.

Anger: I didn't know the power behind my own anger, but I sure did now. I didn't go about destroying anyones property, but I definitely decided to break some old things that no longer served me purpose. In some sense that was my therapy. Breaking things meant I could pour my energy into that. Break it and it would shatter. All those broken pieces were what symbolized what I felt at that particular moment and I could truly let it go. I didn't want to bottle up the anger so I destroyed things that I knew I could. And boy, when I say I let it out, I really let those things “have it” I yelled, I cried, I was angry. Angry mainly at myself for allowing any person at that matter to control me the way they did. As I sat back angry, it really had nothing to do with the person themselves. I had to realize it started with ME! Yes… ME. I had to see that I played a big part, although no one deserves to be in a bad relationship, what you put up with and allow will continue. It came into play, everything I thought was easy to blame on the other, in reality had nothing to do with them. I truly had to step out of my own box and realize that I was wrong in so many situations. Now mind you that doesn't take away what was done and contributed by  the other person. And you have to see that ITS OK TO BE WRONG. We have all been and done wrong in one point or another in our lives. Acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on! And that was a hard pill to swallow. Then came more tears, because I felt defeated. Sadness: This is where after all the emotions had set in, my sadness came. Sadness can turn ugly in itself, because your mind plays with you. Tells you that things can get better, and maybe they can, but then you have to know that who ever you were with at that moment was just not meant for you. Period. But that goes for Men and Women. That sadness brought me to a point where I looked up and practically begged God why. Although I always told myself  I wouldn't question God, I did. I just didn't understand how I loved someone so hard, and they just simply didn't love me the same. I was left heartbroken, and my heart torn to pieces because even with all the good memories I looked back on, it just wasn't what it was anymore. And there was nothing I could do to change that. It was no longer my place to try and “fix”. There was no more energy I could pour into it. I remember finally giving up and explaining how the “happiness” and “good” was just gone. I had mentally checked out a while ago. And all because of comfort and routine. Although I did get to meet some great people. It sucks to think that when you break up with someone you break up with practically everyone that came along. But in this case I couldn't “break up” with everyone. I show one face to everyone. So if they chose to still keep my friendship I was no one to let them go. I'm thankful that I do have some beautiful friendships that blossomed out of a difficult situation.

Self Hurt: This phase was bad… i grew up a certain way, where my parents taught me to avoid anything that could ruin who I am as a person. My parents taught me that drinking and partying wasn't a good look for a classy woman… BUT, it my moment of hurt… ALL of that literally went out the window, and I didn't care. This was the phase where I did make some not so smart and pretty stupid decisions. This slapped me hard in the face when I spoke to someone and they saw how bad I was starting to look. I didn't bring anything that was personal to work, but this day, I guess I looked a hot mess. This mom I will forever be grateful for. She spoke to me on a level that was loving and understanding, she really didn't judge me. And said this simply “before you lose your self, think of why you come to work” and that was all that needed to be said. The self destruct button was turned off and I decided to start acting right. Its crazy to look back and see the support I got from people who hadn't even known me long. But because I earned their trust and they saw the person I am, they knew that deep down I was hurting. Each person that gave me advice even without knowing the situation made me feel that I could get through anything.

Low Self Esteem: This was probably my hardest phase i felt towards the end of the first month.  I got very self conscience and compared myself to pretty much every woman around me. I thought I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't skinny enough. I should have been a different race, from a different culture, had a different family, was smarter. I should have been more physically attractive. Everything you could think of… I thought it. i broke myself down. Tore my self apart, and thought no one will ever love me. I think growing up for anyone a family doesn't realize that what they pour into a Childs mind and what they “feed” them daily mentally, and emotionally. Plays a huge part on the patterns of their life. This opened up a huge window for me to realize that the biggest reason I didn't feel lovable was because my father never said the words “I Love You” Now thats a phrase that even in this moment is hard to write and read without it hitting me. Those are the most sacred and intimate words. Any one can say it, anyone can read it, anyone can write it. But how many say it with real feeling? Love isn't just something you throw around. But after all I have been through and felt, I know that I will be waiting for the right moment to allow myself to love and be loved. The Low Self Esteem will go away.

Pettiness: I can admit, woman can be petty. We will do anything in our power “to show you” when reality is. NOBODY CARES!!!! I tried to be as petty as possible. But that served no purpose, and all I was doing was being and acting dumb. Which aligned with the self hurt. It was a poor choice I made. But even in the grieving process of my heart break, I managed to take a step back and reevaluate myself. Which now brings me into my second month.

Month two: The road to healing. This was when I really decided enough was enough. And I decided to self care. That meant challenging myself on so many levels. I follow a group named Bold Without Apology. And shall I say, I have learned a lot from these guys. Ive followed this group of guys from before they even started. But even with meeting them, I knew something powerful was coming. Little did I know they would have such a powerful impact on my healing. Now, there were a lot of other factors that came into play. I decided to actually appreciate the faith side of me. Forgive myself of anything, and let go of everything I could no longer control. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to me. To really seek strength within myself. Cant tell you how many times i fell to my knees and cried and begged God to just take it all away. But even then I had to learn to be alone. Silence, to be surrounded by nothing and no one, just myself and my loneliness. Thats when I started to come to terms with my new move, all the changes being made. Even though it hit me at once. My weekends, my group of friends, my weeks, and routines I was use to was all about to change. And I was more scared than ever. Because that meant I was going to be fully dependent on me. No Papi, and mommy. No friends, now no boyfriend. But God and myself. Trusting that God had it all under control. Yes, that was a scary thought too. I knew that I trusted God, and always had, but getting to this point in my life I had to REALLY trust in God. Trust that even now I would probably fail, over and over again. There is nothing wrong with failing. When you fail, it gives you full room to grow. But you have to be willing to get up and change yourself for the benefit of you. It all starts with your own mind, your own feelings and how you are going to set your self apart. And really take your journey seriously.

Month Three: Opening New Doors I was always afraid of doing anything outside of my element. Which brings me to the point where I took this month to really reflect. This was the month where i fully took action into being single. I had to stop being afraid of doing things alone. I had to stop comparing my life to others. Each person has their own journey. NO ONES is better than the other. I will say again NO ONES is better than the other. Everyone has something that they are great at. And everyone figures that out in their own timing. Mine I knew what my calling was since I was a kid. The humor in it, that as a child I knew I wanted to do something with kids. Maybe it had something to do with my upbringing. My life had an “ok” start. But you would have to hear my story to understand what that part of me is. I just always knew I wanted to work with kids. I got fully involved with my church at a young age, and even though I was young and still learning I put my full heart and energy into serving. It was such a beautiful time for me. I felt I had all the world could give me. Also part of reflecting. This was where my journey began. My humble beginnings. I reflected on where I started and then realized how far I had actually come. Reflecting on that gave me the power to see that I had over come a lot in that time frame. Which then empowered me to keep moving forward and see that I can do this. And even if I fail at least I have the power to pick myself up and keep moving. I GOT ME NOW!!

Month Four: The fun month To know what that means, this is the month that I entered another year of life. This month really showed me, not only the people that still stuck by my side but helped me to enjoy whats become one of the best years of my life. This month passed and left so quickly. I was happy and sad all at once. I can honestly say that so many people treated me for my birthday that between work and outings, I was busy literally every day in the week, to every weekend. This month was a bit of a tiring one haha. Who knew that you actually need a break from having fun. I had the best time. There is always that joke of “birthday month” I now know what that means. I had a freaking blast. I met knew people, did things that I normally wouldn’t. I stepped out my own box and really enjoyed the world around me. I spent time with people that I hadn't in a very long time. And with people I met along the way. Even though it was a fun month I kept thinking to just enjoy the single journey. I did however have a moment of sadness, because I was use to enjoying birthdays with a significant other, I took in the moment, allowed the moment to come, I let my tears out. Cried all I could, took a deep breath and then simply let it go. That moment was hard, because it felt like a wall came down on me. I wanted that text, phone call, or even being woken up with the “happy birthday baby’ feeling. But this year it wasn't that. The moment and feeling was different. And at the end of the day it was all ok. I survived, and smiled because after all was said and done I still had amazing people by my side. That really made me feel special. I mean they don't call me BEASTIE for nothing haha!! Know that even in the happiest moments its ok to have a sad one too. But like Tony Robbins says “have your moment, but don't stay there” I have followed that all through my journey and saw that it has made my life sooooo much easier because I let a lot of things go. I don't need validation or the attention. I don't need to seek anything out. Now working on me, I have become dependent on me. And that has been the best feeling.

Month Five: Getting comfortable This month I really dedicated my time to my work. Reading on things and getting involved with the community of moms and other nannies. I decided to join groups, and start seeking other ways to build myself and my skill. Taking care of kids is no joke. Especially if they are not your own. I don't think people really see the hard work it takes to care for some else’s child. With being so focused, I then had a thought. I was so focused on work and doing my own thing that having a “partner” no longer seemed like a necessity. Would I like to be with someone? Sure… why not? But as I look farther and father into that thought, I'm really starting to see that being on my own, being alone, isn't so much a bad thing. Im too grown to think less than. I do know what I bring to the table and if it isn’t accepted then no need to worry. Move on with life as happy as ever. The world isn't going to end if I don't have someone in my life. Thats the part that makes me a little nervous because I like being single. Meeting practically someone new everyday. You really pay attention to those around you when you focus.

Month Six: Accomplished I had sat a goal, I gave myself six months to really take myself serious, and show myself that I didn't need to be seeking attention from others. I didn't need to move on to the next one so quick. I didn't need to rebound anyone. I didn't need to date anyone. (Except for my own damn self hahaha) I didn't need to rush into anything. I just didn’t!!!! Goodness hahaha I hit six months with a new outlook in life. I really saw the real sides of many people along the way. I saw what fake actually looks like, I saw what lying so much, that you believe your own lies looked like. I saw the deepest of love from others. I saw what support looks like. And I definitely saw who I should and shouldn't open up to looks like. I saw my strengths and weaknesses. I saw my dark and light. I saw my fail and now my rise. I saw that I no longer had to be the shadow, but the full leader of my own life. It didn't matter how I grew up, what they said, how they said it, what has happened in my life. Because I am alive today, for what ever reason God said I deserve to be here. And if I'm not dead yet, well then who am I to tear myself down and not live my life to the fullest. I felt more accomplished now than I ever have. Call it what ever, but I sure did learn the in’s and out’s of myself. I learned what I'm willing to put up with and what I'm not. I know one thing is for sure. If a grown man wants you he will do what ever it takes to get you, and do everything in his power to keep you, he will give you your place. If there is anything I learned from my own father was. The MAN always chases. He courts and does the necessary to show where his woman stands in his life. Regardless of things now. I have fuller and higher expectations of a mans place. I am truly in a happier place in my life. I wouldn't wish bad on anybody, but I will close with this. Karma is real, and what you do to others WILL come back to you and when it does remember when you thought you were slick and could play??? Well… sucks to be you lol. That goes for both men and woman. Adults don't play games, if you set yourself up to do something, then do so and follow your own word. Your word is everything, especially to yourself. In the end, take real time for yourself, and really learn. BE ALONE and GROW!!!! There is nothing more rewarding than that of a mature mind, and a mature person. In fact it is what attracts a more suitable companion. We shall see what these next six months have in store for me. Until then, this nanny will continue and listen to herself and love on her self, and be herself. I'm here for me and no one else.

Beastie Out! xoxo