#ive been stuck with this thiught for months

[sparrowstarsandsorrow]

Listen, there's nothing about Barnes to smile about given the fact that he's harsh on his men, shows aggression, and has cruel actions. Overall, he's portrayed to be 'evil' and damaged, so that's makes his role to be the bad one. Anyhow, that makes out that there's nothing about Barnes to smile at. No one does because he's unfriendly. He makes fighting his only priority. But Elias smiles at him, even after all the conflict between them he still shows a spec of kindness towards him, and yet Barnes still has the audacity to still shoot him down, it just shows how heartless he is.

[shaswammy]

on twitter (eviixisuma) ive been obsessing iver a property police brothers au that my friend (thirdiife) made . during this i accidentally thought of the most horrific angst.

backstory- martyn is 21 and jimmy is 14, martyn is off leaving to Evo, and jimmy BEGS to go with, not wanting ti be alone. he’d be fine. him and his brother were orphanced when martyn was 12 and he was 5, everything would be fine. until it wasnt.

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watchers, listeners, these beings nibidy had seen for many millennium were shiwing uo and they were. mad, to say the least. everyone fled the server. jimmy was caught under a wooden building falling- nobody helped him. jimmy crawled out and saw a barren wasteland- nobody was there with him. jimmy found the portal- used. he heard something falling behind him which knocked him diwn and felt like daggers cut through his back- but it didnt his him- it didnt his body.

wings. he had beeb turned into a listener.

back home, martyn found an old ender porter. it’d been a few months since evo. he had reunited with bigb and netty and grian- no sign of jimmy. grian and pearl were off on their own adventure for their own server, bigb too, and none of them had seen martyns brother.

it had only been a year. jimmy was 15. had martyn left his 15 year old brother to die?

he jolted as he heard a trap door- for the ender porter- activate. one of his dogs had pushed it. before his eyes the purple glow of an endermans teleport shone bright.

his brother knelt before him. long, scraggly blonde hair that was ince short and pristine, his plait far too overgrown and huge neon green wings pertruded from his back and face. gunk was stuck in them, he hadnt known how to preen, let alone what preening was.

his hands moved across the fimiliar floor of his childhood home. martyn saw drops of water fall from where he assumed his brithers eyes to be. martyn stood still abd desolate. jimmy stood up tall.

jimmy thrned to look at his ‘brother’- he didnt think martyn was worthy of his familial title. what were once besutiful pale blue eyes were now a deep, brooding dark blue with neon green swirls in the middle. martyn hadnt even noticed the neon green streaked pattern in his brothers hair.

“you. you left- you left me,” jimmys voice cracked and wobbled. it was deeper, now, and he had small patches of facial hair. “you left me to die. i- you- you monster.” jimmy spoke, eyes red and puffy. he had cried all day, every day, for so long.

“i thiught you had died! i’m beyond happy youre okay!” martyn exclaimed, his eyes watering up as he forced a sad smile.

“no. no you dint get that. you never cared, did you?”

“..what?”

“you forgot me. and left me, you encouraged your friends to leave over your damn kid brother!”

“i hasnt realized you werent there, its not my fault!”

“the fault is that you forgot.”

“…”

martyn stood silent. jimmy continued.

“if you had thought to thrn around, youd see me. i broke my arm and i got stuck under a pile of wood. it was your negligence thag did this.”

martyn didnt feel guilty.

he didnt know why.

he was guilty.

why didnt he feel guilty?

“maybe youre just,” martyn stepped closer, “being ungrateful. ive done everything for you- i was robbed of my childhood because of you, you’ve no right to accuse me of neglecting you, james.”

it had been years since someone said his name.

his full name.

jimmy threw his fist at martyns face.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

yesterday i felt like both me and our friend was kind of offended by him. he wanted to grab and knew i was with our friend anyways. he also knew i was having trouble earlier. we showed up to drop off his shit and i thought id take the opportunity to quickly use his card to pay for my college application. its not that i dont have the money, its not that i didnt try - its that i had like no other option on a time limit. but both him and his mother were super rude to both of us - why they would be rude towards someone who was asked to be there is beyond me. and ive learned to break these delusions of like.. this must be okay. it must be me and i mustve done something to make this happen. but i didnt. i did what theyve wanted me to do. when we left, which i asked if we could - our friend came to a point that he didnt even believe hed tell us if he found it anyways. we were there for a total of twenty minutes and my greeting was being told by his mother that they were expecting dinner with some insurance guy from his work at 8pm. i said thats cool - we werent there for dinner? it was 7pm. he didnt bother to see the person he invited when i told him he was there and when i went back in a second time to get him, he rudely snapped that he can knock on the door - as if me going in the backyard up to his face and saying "hey were here" was not enough. his mother also made a second comment about how this guy was coming for dinner. i told her that our friend was waiting for him and she gave a heavy sigh and made a big deal out of it. when he finally made the deal, i asked about the card and he said he couldnt find his wallet. he started looking for it and after five minutes my friend and i felt very uncomfortable so i popped back in to say goodbye and his mother was equally rude again - we know, someone youd be ashamed if they knew we existed is coming to dinner. we get it. as we drove away, my friend began brainstorming solutions to my problem with the card. i realized i wasnt in the wrong. and i was grateful to have someone who witnessed both sides of the story see that all i wanted, really, was to accomplish this goal because it was important on multiple fronts. and this person who claims to want to help just ignored me asking for help and made me feel like crap for it. but he felt offended too - he wasnt treated very nice either. you know, i dont have parents i can ask to borrow this shit. im relying on flaky and immature 20 somethings to come through on things that dont relate to them. no matter what the fuck i offer in return it doesnt matter. i shouldve lived their life and had the things they had. everyone should just be on their level. so i am offended, i guess. i wrote on it last night and described it as living within this bubble and they see everything from the perspective of this bubble and things not inside the bubble are completely cast off. when his friend died, his mother audibly shared to people that she was glad it wasnt her son. when i first heard this i thought no way - maybe they misheard. but she would absolutely say this because she exists in her bubble. like.. i think my friend also sees the unspoken parts of this too. here is someone who has struggled for months, been hospitalized, medicated, malnutritioned, clincally depressed but continued to support and give to those around me as much as i could - he never yelled at me for wanting to die. he sat across from me and believed me, every single time. because every single time was serious. he cant imagine nothing - he knows something without luxury and he knows i dont deserve that a d he respects that i have nothing. he knows it. its nof an obligation, its ljke.. genuine love. not romantic, but a genuine platonic love and desire to see someone be well. but here i am trying. im really trying. and among everything else, im looking ahead for the first time. do i deserve to go to college? maybe i dont. maybe i donf deserve an education or trade for the same that i dont deserve the 'free money' to eat. do you know the amount of obstacles a person in poverty faces. ore than just unemployment? they could BE employed and in poverty. every obstacle placed in front of them is another blow to the ego - as they watch other people afford to eat, to have clean clothes - and this creates anxiety. which leads to depression, which leads to not giving a fuck, which leads to spending what money they do have on comforts like cigarettes or alcohol because the fight to get ahead is already killing them and theyre trying to ease the pain. whether you have a handful of money or not in this scenario it doesnt matter. and every blow leaves a scar. this is my medical community experience. every blow, every attempt at help shot down by a judgemental person, it left a scar over my desire to do better and keep going. and each time that scar got thicker so i was less hurt by the failure eventually but still affected. but the scars replace a hopefulness and a naivety about the world. because i convince myself above all odds to believe it will work. i tell myself theres no reason for it not to. i ama human like everyone else. what do they have that i dont? everyone deserves medical treatment. teenagers go to college. why shouldnt i recieve the same treatment? i talk down my anxiety. from experience, four, fives timez before - didnt work. but this time, for whatever reason, its going to work. for whatevrr reason it didnt before. theres no rhyme. i dont know why or how. what do i do to avoid it? so here i am about to apply for college. the first obstacle was the desire to be alive to think into the future. which was a big one and still a struggle. it meant a certain promise to myself. then the obstacle of getting the money to apply. just to apply. which took 7 days. and now, a one step payment process which should be done without issue - not working. not working so much that i need someone elses card which means another obstacle of finding and asking and then actuallly doing it. to be treated like dirt while attempting to solve this simple problem only adds to it. and our friend knew this. he knew another scar had been placed on top and he anxiously tried to offer solutions before i decided to give up completely. and i do kind of feel like that. like i just want to give up, like who was i fooling? i didnt even want to tell people because it was probably goi g to fail and lead to another embarassme t of shit i somehiw cant do. its a -credit card-. fuck man. it shouldnt be this difficult. but since im a fucking nobody with no real ties, it is. so i woke up feeling offended. he didnt make any further effort to find his card or contact me. so why should i bother? thats how i feel about all of today now. why should i even bother? i cant for e these things to be important when theyre stuck on simple road blocks. ive had friends buy concert tickets easier. the funny thing is - hes probably offended that i just ~showed up. like im in the wrong for trying to do somerhing for myself when hes a major figure in my life that creates negative judgements of me. i dont like being trapped. like do better but expect nothing from me except to take up your time without worry or second thiught. i hate that i have to borrow money from him because its going to be a disaster. i absolutely believe itll end badly.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this weekend was actually okay and something i needed. on saturday i spoke to my landlord who was very aggressive about our deal and it gave me alot f anxiety. i attempted to share this with.. well.. anyone, and it was really isolating. the day before i had spent just a few hours with him and another friend and i felt isolated. saturday evening he decided he wanted to hang out and was really, really excited to share that he had found a cottage he could use this summer. neither me nor my friend was that enthused. both of us have lives that dont reallt include cottages and who knows if he will still be our friend by then. honestly. and he presented this with such excitement, like it would be good news for me. like i would care. like i was supposed to care. i think in a way both my friend and i thought good news wouldve been him wanting to move out of his mothers house. like he had a change of heart and realized what was actually for the best. he stuck on the cottage, repeatedly asking me over the next day or so if i was excited. he said i could go fishing. if i dont, does he bring someone else? but having him in a good mood was much better than usual and made him much more affectionate and nice, which is what i needed to overcome some of my anxiety. not all anxiety can truly be solved on its own. he kept touching me and held my hand and was overall just really nice. it made me comfortable enough to share my landlord situation and surprisingly he had a similar reaction to my own - they had been nice before, they set out the rules im following, theyre just angry they arent getting anything right now by definition of their own rules. he told me it was okay and i didnt need to worry about it because they had resolved to threats and aggression when i never once acted inappropriately. i felt alot better hearing that. weve been very careful not to comment on each others choices but still offer passive opinions. he doesnt like me living with anyone and hes negative about all of my options. but he doesnt tell me outright what to do / what im doing wrong in his eyes. but it felt better to feel justified in my belief that i wasnt crazy for thinking that i was in fact following their rules and procedures. a bit later on he mentioned that i should try for my native status and to me its a very sketchy subject based on almost 100 years of people with a very flimsy story which i imagine is mostly true but there could be serious false parts. thats why i just accept the ancestry my father believed in but dont indulge in it. but its gratifying to hear a random opinion which someone came to on their own regarding my ancestry and their belief in my belief. but he added that i should seek out an aboriginal center that could help me through the process and they should be more than willing to help because ive experienced so much abusive trauma. i felt a bit thrown back by this observation and didnt really reply. i mean, im not insulted or offended. im more genuinely surprised that within his own thoughts he believed i had abusive trauma and he wanted a way for me to cope easier in life. and it wasnt just oh u had trauma, it was 'so much abusive trauma' - very specific, indicating belief that not onlt had i experienced trauma on its own but that it had been willfully inflicted on me in my past. i believe in a way this also refers to the fact i told him what has been unsaid between us but most obvious in our last fight. he is a contributing factor on a semi regular basis to my anxieties and depression because he chooses to be as close as he is in the type of 'relationship' we have but does things like randomly break up or blame things on me. but its up and down, putting me through a cycle and my trust and patience, as thin as it was to begin with, is hanging on by a thread. i do believe he could leave at any moment without deep thought into how it would affect me. and he tries to remain naive or ignorant to the damage he caused; he asks me if i know where random things are or why i havent taken care of our herb garden and i remind him that im not here and im not welcome to do these things or know these things. he pushed me away for almost two weeks and expected things to be exactly as they were like i had left yesterday. i believe, like my ex, my trauma is too large for him. like, its a hard thing to completely encapsulate and see on a single level at once. and its complex emotional abuse - whether purposeful or not by people that may or may not have had control over the situation. i have felt like an observer since i was a baby. like im just watching crazy shit go down over and over again without a real period of content in between it all. in the afternoon, i felt a bit better. i didnt need sympathy or a shoulder to cry on necessarily, but when you feel very isolated, having your existence acknowledged is good. someone knows. they thought about it. i didnt implant it or bring it up. i roller skated for a bit - im sure its like literally 5-10 minutes of skating at a time but to me its kind of amazing im outside on rollerskates at all. and i think its kind of unbelievable to others as well - not that im too lazy, just that ive made an active choice to emerge from things at the best of mt abilities. later i began looking for jobs and apartments, repeating the same routine of the last few weeks but grateful to be in comfort doing it instead of at the library. i began narrowing down my search - i know, i know, i should take all the jobs. any job. put myself on a production line, hand bomb boxes, cut up chicken - but i cant. i cant do it at this point in my psyche. i cannot physically or mentally bare the process of living that way. its incomprehensible to me - im not above it. im not stubborn. im not lazy. but when you barely have the desire to get out of bed and feed yourself and bathe, to create the desire from nothing to go to a factory and pack boxes for eight hours of the day is so much time alone with my mind. its not distracting or challenging enough and ive see. these terrible jobs make normal people depressed so to me it seems like a death sentence. so i began to narrow it down - its been a long journey, acrually. it started months ago when i sat down and sincerely though about the very few things i could believe or want in my life thriugh all the fog and trauma and stress. it was very basic - im kind of a simple person. or maybe im simple among my turmoil. i like animals - but they also can trigger alot of anxiety and emotions that i dont want to deal with on a regular basis on top of having employment to maintain. i like cooking and baking; but all job environments with this are very high stress fast paced places and i am a sloth. not lazy, again, but currently moving at a pace that is the best of my abilities. i like computers but my skills are from 2008 and i dont have the patience or attention span to upgrade them right now. i like, in some ways, cleaning but i dont think its something id want to do everyday of my life. i like caring for the elderly, but again, its a complex job with alot of mental stress. so for the past month or so ive settled on essentially something in horticulture. i like growing things. it brings me a little joy on the inside. i like herb gardens and flowers, i like being outside, i like learning about plants. i began looking for a job in a garden center but they were few and far between and i began to realize that it was still mainly retail. so i applied to landscaping - i could cut grass and weed gardens but its male dominated industry and i dont think my few years of experience doing well, nothing, makes me a their first choice. plus its back breaking and the weather conditions can be terrible. so i looked for jobs as a florist or in a flower shop or maybe just the flower department in a grocery store. it seemed relatively low stress, not incredibly fast paced but something that was always in demand and flowers and maintaining flowers is great. but i began to learn that it required experience, as most jobs do, but as i thought about it i realized perhaps i could be a floral designer. it sounds really.. meh. like a super unimportant job with no real purpose and may e thats okay. it has alot of options; floral shops, weddings, funerals - its an oddly versatile thing that also allows for creativity and an experience of art and a little bit of science. its not complex, but it could be. and it allows for expansion - i could run my own flower shop. its not the most useful trade but its something thats always useable. i hesistantly looked into schooling. it seemed like a random course you took once and they gave you a paper. but a neaeby college has an entire 2 semester course that includes fundamentals of color and design and business plus floral design and other similae things. i say near but its a 2 hr bus ride away. however, its only on saturdays. one day a week for eight months. for curiousitys sake i looked into student loans. my last experience was uncomfortable. despite my best efforts, including calling multiole financial aid offices and sending paper work, i was still messed around and had no idea what to do to fix it. in rhe end i was told it was unlikely student loans would cover my choice; it was an online course in criminal psychology. i felt defeated and turned away from it but looking back now it was a poor attempt to alleviate pressures. so i was weary that osap would cover this course. apparantly school was sketchier than i thiught and the websites were utterly confusing and just asking for money up front. but i continued on, certain that it must work - everyone else manages it. i found the loan calculator and inputted the data. it would be the bare minimum course load thst would count towards getting a loan. it seemed impossible, a course that only happened saturdays that would be covered by a loan. but it recognized the course and calculated based on my assistance i get now, which i know is possible and i know assistance encourages you to do so. it came back as covering my books as well as 9000$+ for living & travelling expenses for the eight months. right now, assistance would allow me a little over 5000$ provided i dont get a job. and thats for living and eating, 300$ a month for rent, 300$ for basic living. at 9000$ i could afford 500-600$ in rent, possibly more if i really wanted to stretch it more so as a loan, when i work, my money isnt deducted. so my shelter costs are covered and at an even higher amount of rent for 700$, i have 300$ still to live on. if i wanted to live alone, that is. having 500-600$ to offer in a roommate situation or towards anything in my future is better than the 300-400$ im looking at now. so i think i want to do this. im going to ask assistance to cover the application fee and im rly hoping i have the one pre requisite course they ask for. it doesnt solve anything right now at all. this is long term think over the next 6-8 months, whicb honestly is scary. im scared by planning so far ahead for myself. and its hard because what if what if what if. but i think its the right thing to do. i dont know if it is. was i ever going to be a famous chef or doctor or office person? probably not. im lucky to exist as i am now. its a reachable goal just outside of my comfortzone and despite the meager amount it seems like theyre giving me, its more than i have had for almost a year now. i believe im ready to handle this, which is funny because its thrown on 18 yr olds eith no life experience but it doesnt matter. a friend has been sort of wanting to be my roommate. its hard to trust her though. and its a really sketchy situation to enter into but financially it would make sense and it would allow me to keep a majority of my comforts. she said she drove around and looked for apartments yesterday and called a few, which is more than ive done. she did show me a few but they were just out of my price range and i wonder if i just wont have enough money to even have a roommate. i also havent had any calls or opportunties for jobs or cash and half of it is my fault. today i could go to contract testing andearn 20$. but ill spend 4$ to get there. i wanted to make it a trip and go to the assistance office too and submit paper work for my application but my desire is not there and im frustrated st myself because i was given a fine weekend. and i need the money; im nearlt short of first & last for 400$ worth of rent, which means i cant even look at 500$ places. i can, however, afford 450$ which is not so bad and i guess i could borrow 100$ from someone if it came down to it, considering my efforts. so 20$ today would sort of go towards living expenses right now and i guess i just.. dont care. i also have to call hydro because i have a past due notice im hoping doesnr translate to final notice? im past due on mt past due and even making the phone call seems daunting. my mornings have become battlefields, mental acrobats of havinf set a plan - even a simple task and fighting myself for several hours about doing it or why or for what purpose. i commend myself, sadly, on the three consecutive days at the library last week. thats actually unheard of in my world, getting up, getting ready and goinf out at almost the same time for three days in a row. then it was the weekend. and now im here. and the weeke d didnt bother me. it didnt cause this, or maybe it did but it doesnt feel like it. im glad to have spent time with him in such a positive way but i guess i have a looming feeling of "well tomorrow i know i wont see him" and ill work out my day alone and eat alone and sleep alone and have all this time because i barely have wifi and no cable and no tv and no movies. its not his fault though. its mt fault. he doesnt have to share his time eith me because i couldnt manage to have wifi. or that i sold my tv. it would be best for me to do the things i planned today. i also havent began cleaning or packing any of my things. i could use boxes. but i kind of want to sleep; i didnt sleep well last night and felt ljke i was up most of the night, having slept alone, and being woken up pretty uncemermoniously at 630am. he explained he was up until 3am working on his project and managed some niceties but dropped me a block from my apt for no real reason. i do scorn myself for not taking initative. these tasks are really fucking simple and crucial to my well being but ill comfort myself with "well, its only this time of day, i can still do this and this later" and its such a poor cop out. i could do it now. the two hours ive been sitting here, couldve done it. but i didnt and i honestlt probably wont and that really makes me such a bucket. its hard feeling down about your depression. but i guess unfortunately im going to start this day again in a few hours and im sure ill be much better off.. or atleast well enough to move from my bed.