#ive been stressing abt grades all week its usually not like this

[hirookouji]

Idk if you answer, ask or not, but what do you think the rest of team seirin does after high school

:ooo ooohh well tbh i havent given much thought to what the rest of seirin team does after high school. but going off what i remember abt skills + passion, i think hyuga and izuki would keep playing basketball after high school and i could also see them possibly going pro (at least in japan). i dont remember if kiyoshi playing on his injury keeps him from playing basketball ever again ? but if/when hes recovered i can see him following the same route they do! i also think riko becoming an athletic trainer would be fucking cool. her being the athletic trainer for japans olympic basketball team would be even cooler. for the others im not entirely sure tbh...

also what do u think seirin does after high school 👀👀

[junkie-virus]

rlly feeling izzys “EKE by” speech rn

[schizosupport]

Hai! Suspecting schizospec anon again! Tysm for snaswering my wquestion!!! It REALLY helped me out and gave ne a name for things ive experiencing for quite a while, like the close eye halluicinations.

Ive loojed into more specific schizospec symptoms. And while it took me a minute to understand, jve come to the realization ive probably have experienced ipseity disturbances in the past. Its still difficult to understand due to how clinical and Professinal Big Wordy everything is written but i have recalled occasionally feeling not real inside. Like i viewed myself as a floating, bodyless, lack of a proper face being and my face just being whatever icon ive had online at the time. I even caught myself wondering n wishing why i can just be like that instead of Real and There.

As for negative symptoms, still font get it. But i have came to the realization that i suck at talking (ppl not getting what im trying to say, no matter how hard i try to explain it which has lead to a lot of misunderstandings even as of right now) i always described myself as "lacking proper vocabulary" and ive been feeling n wondering for ages that im mentally regressing or deteioratimg in terms of communication and understanding. I remember even considering just picking up AAC in the past despitecme still being able to talk and the simplistic language made me happy and euphoric.

I am aldo undergoing a hard time in terms of personal hygiene and academics. I had to make myself a hygiene chart to make sure i can remember what ive done n what i havent and yet its beent a week abd i STILL havent printed it out. The concept of getting up to bring my laptop over to my printer, hook it up, print it out; and put my stuff back sounds tiring.

And as fir academics, this semester was rough. To give ypu an idea: me missing quizzes and teetering so close to due dates for things that im scrambling to do it is NOT normal for me. I am usually on top of everything and all of a sudden this semester its like all of that just disappeared n now im tired all the time trying to find the easy way out while keeping good grades. I need external simuli like tea or my meds or even freaking Brain Focus Gum to help motivate me n get me to focus, and this has lead to accidental abuse of my medication. Idk whats going on. Its all so sudden and i do worry for the future.

Sorry for the dump again youre like. The only guy actually helping me out n helping me understand this. Ofc this could partly just be me becoming more disabled and my autism flaring up more as i get older (ive heard abt something like that) but this also seems to tick some boxes, esp when psychosis is still a prominent thing for me.

Hey there! I apologize for taking a while to get back to you, I'm like on-off with my activity on this page.

How are you doing now?

Based on everything you've been saying it's also hard for me to say if your experience is best described as schizo spec or an exacerbation of existing issues.

I'm not an expert, but I know that autistic burnout as well as autistic regression is also a thing, and autistic people are overall more likely to experience psychotic symptoms than the general population. So while some of the things you describe are relatable to me as what I perceive in myself as negative symptoms, I think those can also be related to burnout. For example needing a lot of external pressure to do things and still falling behind.

The things you identify as possible ipseity disturbance could also be dissociation, specifically depersonalization, it might be helpful for you to look into resources for that as well. Dissociation can come along with many different disorders and experiences.

But while I can't tell you exactly what's up, nor do I think it matters what exact labels we put on it, it sounds like you're under a lot of pressure and your brain is shutting down in some capacity as a result.

Whether it's beginning psychosis, or autistic burnout, or just plain ole stress response, it's really important that you try to see if you can give yourself some type of a break. Is there any way to at least lessen the course load next semester? Stuff like that.

Because I really don't think this is the type of thing that's likely to be resolved by just pushing yourself harder and harder. It sounds like you need a bit of space to breathe and get back in touch with your brain.

I hope this answer finds you well!

[dog-teeth]

quick little life/blog update if anyone’s interested:

-i have been gone for a few days in the mountains but have a bit of cool art to share soon, i’m sorry i havent been posting much art lately

-i hit 20,000 followers a few days ago (!!!) & am still figuring out how to celebrate that?? i was thinking an art/zine raffle or something in addition to the type of comic i usually do when my blog reaches a milemark! i’m open to suggestions if anyone has one id like to do something big!!

-ive got some stressful things going on in my life both situationally and mentally so hopefully i can make some comics about it but its largely preventing me from making good art recently, as well as taking a while for me to get back to some people about commissions and zine/print sales but i’m working on it

-i’m trying to set up a shop to sell zines and prints more efficiently but have no idea what to use to set it up, also want to put together a website/portfolio for my work i own a url but need to learn how to code it etc, have absolutely no idea what im doing but hopefully my mom (who is a software engineer) can help me when she gets back into town this week :) if anyone knows a good site to facilitate selling art let me know!

-i love u all thanks for supporting my blog i hope i can show you some cool stuff soon

things not relevant to my blog but i want to talk about:

-mountains were big fun i’ll post pretty pics soon

-gender stuff has been both good and bad, my insurance rejected my claim to get my top surgery covered so i don’t think i can get it before i have to go back to school (if at all) like i had been planning (ive been in contact w a surgeon and everything planning a tentative date in august so it really fucking sucked to get my hopes up even a little bit which i tried not to do). but aside from that ive been more comfortable with being genderfluid, i bought a cute dress at the thrift store i look nice in & i havent bought a dress in years bc i have a complex relationship w femininity, but hrt is making it better. but i got misgendered this entire weekend which sucks a lot, and i found out about the insurance thing right before leaving for the mountains so i put aside my devastation in order to enjoy my weekend but its caught up now that im back. sux

-i get my grades for this semester back in a week and every day i dont have them im just anxious abt it even tho theres nothing i can do at this point, and im stressed about making plans for next semester. like how can i make plans during all of This

-i have a few fwiends coming into town this week so thats happy :3

-this weekend i got to be around people i really love in my favorite place on earth just reading and painting and hanging out with dogs & eating good food & looking at pretty stars and trees and bodies of water; yay

-i started making pickles (maybe u remember my pickleposting last week..) and its going really well they’re fizzing and fermenting and already look much more pickley than when i left a few days ago, very very excited!

-im sorry this was so long it was supposed to be a short update originally

[aprilsoul]

wheeeeeee

i havent slept in the past 40 hours and all i wanna do is tap out of being alive for like 5 minutes. i feel like a dumbass bc im on vacation and im supposed to be having a good time, see family etc but i rly just wanna lock myself in my room (as usual) and idk i feel stupid i cant even vent right or put this into words well. cant even break down properly cuz im sharing a space with my sister this whole week :)) anyway im stressed as hell over going back to work even tho ive only been there a few days i wanna tap out, but ik if i do ill feel like a quitter or fragile but i rly cant take getting yelled at or messing up again. i cant HANDLE it and idk why its ridiculous of me and it happened days ago but idk maybe i have crippling anxiety surrounding failure or something. unrelated too but i feel myself continually slipping back into the place i was in during 10/11/early 12 grades, which is, yknow, [trigger warning] casually-to-not-so-casually suicidal. and idk how to make it stop but its scaring me!! i fought hard to get out of that but please tell me it wasnt for just one year of peace. im also super stressed about my identity on top of all that, bc of course the first thing i need rn is an identity crisis. like ok. what am i supposed to do here. flipturn my life upside down to chase some stupid fantasy of dressing like a boy? what the hell is the point? what if its not even what i want and im just gonna have this cringey phase stapled to my forehead for the rest of my life. like that SNK jacket in 9th grade but worse and permanent. im already ugly as it is anyway. its ridiculous. everyting abt me feels ridiculous. like i feel like a clown 24/7. like shut up lol anyway this is near-unreadable on purpose but if u actually read this whole thing pat on the back to you and pretend u never saw this ECKS DEE

[loriinae]

recent mental health happenings

don/t re/blog this pls thx

me, for 1.5 months @ the psychiatrists office for a checkup: im doing great! i cant think of anything troubling me

psychiatrist: wow! you dont sound depressed at all, sounds like the meds r doing good for you. ill keep you on the same stuff and ill see u again in 3 mo

immediately after, someone points out ive been a bit distant, and ive realized other ppl have been making comments here and there abt it ... its fine its ok ive been good even if ive been a little detached its just cus im busy (work/school/recent health troubles meaning frequent dr/pharmacy trips)

me, a week later: crying almost daily and feeling on edge abt everything

me, now, after eating/practicing driving/buying smth online: i feel alright! i can do this! i just have to get thru this. it wont be bad forever

and yet.... in the back of my mind... i kno if i think too hard abt any one subject ill start crying. maybe i should just keep myself busy? but that makes my stress build up and i have a crash.. existing peacefully is hard ):

less vague, medical stuff, ive been feeling self conscious abt myself bc im taking 7 pills a day (4 of which are the same med, so 4 dif prescribed pills) and i have to do a daily morning/night nasal routine and i havr to do this for a month (normally its just 6 pills) and i kno i shouldnt feel BAD abt being on lots of meds and that its not a bad thing. and yet ... bad feelings happen. i think it might be partially from my mom telling me every other day that i should wean off my pills someday and that i shouldnt rely on them longterm

im on extra stuff bc of a ears/nose/throat specialist whos trying to help me with my weird scent problem. idk if ive mentioned here before, but ive had inconsistent occurrences of some strange smell since december... im bad at describing smells, but it gets worse if i forget to brush my teeth, eat/smell greasy/sugary foods, use makeup sprays or visit makeup stores, drink alcohol... ive asked ppl around me if they smell anything, and ask them to smell my breath, but its just me... blowing my nose makes it worse? and it usually goes away after a night of sleep but sometimes it doesnt. it shouldnt be a big deal but sometimes it gets so unpleasant its distracting, or so foul i cant eat. anyways idk what the hells going on and so far the specialist doesnt either. so ive spent $160 on 2 specialist visits, an antibiotic prescription for sinusitis (which i dont have), and a CT scan to check my sinuses (which are perfectly fine). i have another $10 prescription, and an allergy test scheduled (prob another $50) and another specialist appt (def another $50) but i feel like im throwing my money down the drain while the problem persists /:

on top of that, im trying to work on car stuff, since im 20 and dont have my license and im relying on other ppl for rides even tho i got a car... but my car was cheap on cargurus and we've sunk a lot of money fixing stuff (also fixing things i caused... ie accident repair and battery repair - the battery died bc i hadnt been driving it) and we're spending more... also i dont think ill get over my car anxiety for a while

SO work/school/normal health stuff + extra health stuff/car stuff im....... very very stressed. on top of that im having some social stuff going on. and idk if the problems are real problems, or my stress makes me think its problems... either way it also adds to my stress. also makes me feel like i cant talk to anyone abt my stress so im posting this instead!!

anyways. i should be working on hw i have a rough draft due tues, a test on wed, as well as a big paper (10% of my class grade) due on wed. and i havent started work on any of it 🙃

i would greatly appreciate kind words from friends , or strangers ... ough

[theday]

tagged by @ikyh and @younghyuuns ill be doing both sets !! :D thank you both for tagging me!! this got long so yall dont hav 2 read <3

ru?? rushee’s set!! me: wow ru does not sound like rushee at all ? djsjdhhjd im dumb but i realize now

i. do u believe in astrology? whats ur sign and do u line up with the features usually attributed to it?

fucc... i guess i do ;-0...... and yeah i think?????? like they say capricorns are cold bitches and funny nd im like ya thats me... but they also say we’re hard workers and im like uh.. dont know abt that karen !

ii. what’s ur favorite pair of socks?

bbbbbbb..... socks huh...... i guess my ankle ones? there are also socks that have actual designs on them and those r usually thicker.. keep my feets safe! most of them have pkmn designs bc.. yeah... love the poke mans

iii. what’s a food that reminds you of a specific moment/memory?

i could think of anythiing and get reminded of one situation if that makes sense.. but i thought of pineapple..pizza... anyway the memory isnt anythngn special its just me staring at my delicious hawaiian pizza..... at my favourite pizza place.... love that shit

iv. what’s the longest you’ve gone without sleeping?

i dont have the actual hours but the latest ive stayed up.. like willingly would be until 2am

v. how has ur taste in music changed throughout ur life?

went from 1d to 5so/s + other bands to utaite.... they cover vocaloid songs ig i never kno how2 explain what utaites r then 2 kpop.. but i still listen 2 bands + kpop and utaites.... so nothing much has changed ive just gone broader.. wider... expanded my tastes... 

vi. who’s ur fashion icon?

oh definitely kim wonpil

vii. what’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done without realizing?

i breathe dumbass particles.. i cant think of one bc my brain probably blocked off all access to my horrifying past but ive been thinking abt how i used 2 send the boy i used 2 like 1d songs....................... 12 y/o old me rly thought. he’d listen.... 12 y/o me thought spamming him was a good idea glad ive learnt from that! 

viii. what’s something you want to brag about?

my grades but it didnt get me into psychology so nvm ! its still good though i didnt expect to get an A1 (hghest grade) for combined humanities since ive had a B my whole life without it i wouldnt be able to move on education wise lmao so thank god for that thanks cambridge thanks bell curve sunbaenim 

ix. when you imagine urself being happy in the future, where exactly are you (like the location!)?

oh definitely an apartment somewhere where its always windy and the curtains are always Moving and the sun just Shines in the room but its not that hot either its just full of warmth and yeah thats the dream maybe also walks in the park without having 2 worry abt sweating my pits out u kno! tldr anywhere but here

x. what’s something you’ve always wanted to own?

let me Think.... i dont need a lot/?? but id love hm.............. i want stability but realistically i want all the hh pcs from the code albums. 

xi. how’ve you been lately?

good good! i finished my *** fic and its. im proud of it though i know its not that good nd i can do better but its done ! and hm i could be going to see mx but asking my mum is stressing me out speaking of her she wont stop Coughing and she refuses to see the doctor ;-/ love those sleepless nights ! other than that i just want 2 get out and feel the sun ???/ wanna get out of this house yea but i need to be.. shady with my money i cant get a job because school is starting in a month and im going overseas again sometime next month so ! no ones gonna hire someone who can only work for 2 weeks at most dhzjhhs shouldve worked when i had the time dumbasses only

ok now falen

1. what’s been on your mind??

hm redacted feeling towards my mum but i cant say them bc itd be insensitive 

2. what are you looking forward to? 

mx? possibly but also finishing my enrolment papers

3. story time!: how and when did you get into day6!!!!!

fuck...... listen up LADS. 

ive told the same story like 10 times but im never gonna get tired of saying this shit bc i love miss boxy so much nd she deserves the appreciation anywy she introduced me 2 day6 after i saw this one (1) picture of brian in minion glasses and instantly i knew in that Fucking moment thatd id die for him. so i asked for the name of my murderer and was introduced to day6 whom frankly id never heard of b4 bdjhjh she sent me all their mvs and i still remember the night . i remember walking out of this japanese restaurant, twitter open, chat wiht boxy there and i was like.. interesting ill go listen when im home so i Did! and my mind was blown away bitch? i honest 2 god expected them to be a boy group,,, dancing and shit yknow? i didnt know k bands existed ! so as a previous 5/sos stan i was like wow. this??? this shit is 10/10 a fucking BANGER thats what i felt listening 2 i smile and just going :O over the fucking instruments so idk if how can i say was the last or second song but Damn. .. it made me scream thanks mister j** he rly dragged me by the collar of my shirt and threw me face first into Heaven so i watched everything i asked my friend for video recommendations and after boxy sent me a page with their face and names i was like this jae kid is 182 cm? wow gotta stan now im stupid and stupid for glasses and tall people so ! it happened bithc,, ugh i lov eday6 so much i remember binge watchng all their vlives after the july after party live (that being the first vlive i watched Ever in my entire life and i laghed so hard despite not understanding a damn thing) please id giv my heart and soul2 day6 im so happy with the way ive progressed as a myday :^( 

bonus when i first started stanning it was 26th june and shortly after i made a stan acc teasers were being dropped but i didnt kno why ppl were freaking out i remmeber seeing jae’s teaser nd going ? ok? its just a pic damn ;-/ and then eveeryone was like: dowoon! choker! me: wdhs? what

4. ????do you have any allergies????

did u think of jae and no i used to be allergic 2 dairy products but thats disappeared

5. a fond memory???

bowling with friends and im just a disaster of a friend im always so loud with them and i thank god everyday that they handle my energy ? i would cheer for them even if they got a gutter or whatever and when they got a strike id go clap like crazy i love my friends i also went i have the power of god and anime on my side before flinging the ball and theyd laugh despite not knowing what vine that was from i love my friends... psg if ur out there yall are the best x i miss hanigng out with them as a trio.. three of us :( 

6. do you paint your nails?? if so, what are your fave colors to use?? if not, why??  

thats so.. tiresome.......... dont u have 2 wait for it 2 dry and shit ? my mums always worried abt ruining the colour or some sht nd im like !!! okY!!!!!!! tldr its a pain in the ass

7. what are your favorite colors?? what are your fave colors to wear??

i like hte colour of the sky... all the colours........ yeah love that bithc and lately ive been wearing a lot of black shirts finally went out of my embarrassing colourful phase ! 

8. what languages would you like to learn?? for what reason(s)??

japanese nd korean jp because i listen to a lot of things in japanese and korean for the same reason but my priority would be jp even tho id love to communicate with my faves i just... yeah although im not exactly making an effort 2 learn bc im lazy but if i Could.... itd be those two

9. when you get stickers, do you use them or do you keep them??

DHDGFHDHDGDSJHJSJAKSSJHFHS THIS FEELS LIKE A CALL OUT???? i keep them......... 

10. are there any groups that you might get into/want to get into?

hm... well theres knk ive learnt their names and im finally able to put name 2 face so thats nice svt too if htey didnt have such large numbers... thats all for now i think?? i love evry girl group though i love gIRLS... 

11. how are you???

idk im constantly just fine?? not the im sad but im fine kind of fine im literally just neutral half the time wjhddshs wild 

both of your questions were really unique and i loved answering them thank you so much for tagging me and if youve read until the end thank you i hope you have a good day!

[castrotophic]

was not tagged but this seems fun

Do you have any freckles? some here and there but not really

Do you drink tea or coffee? How do you take it? just tea, i dont drink coffee. i like my tea with no milk and a whole lot of sugar

What’s the last song you listened to? listening to blackbox by nana grizol rn

Do you sleep on your back stomach or side? side

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? just one, he's a body pillow shaped like a fish

Do you prefer drawing or writing? usually drawing just bc it is easier to finish for me, but sometimes you cant get out your feelings like that and thats when i write poetry

What’s your ideal number of blankets to sleep with? at least 3 plus a comforter- i like the weight

What’s your favorite band/artist? ugh worst question everrrr um right now its probably either david bowie or nana grizol

When’s your birthday? august 3

How tall are you? 6 foot babyyy

What color are your eyes? very very blue

Who are 5 ppl u want to hug rn? mm my sister bc shes sweet, my bsf because they are really good at hugs, my uncle bc he is SO SOFT, my grandpa bc hes old and smells nice, and harry styles for obvious reasons

Fears? idk spiders? going blind/deaf? never getting to do everything i want to in life? that nobody actually likes me and they only tolerate me? idk

What’s your favorite color? green<3

What’s your favorite season? autumn/winter (NOT FALL)

Want any tattoos? What of? ive never thought seriously about getting a tattoo, more of a 'hmm thatd be nice but im never gonna do it' but if i were to get one itd be just a small little thing, probably with my bsf

Want any piercings? Where? i really dont want any piercings besides my ears pierced and i already have that so im good

Who is the last person u texted? my bsf<33

Do you have a best friend? How long have you been friends? yes i do, i met them in 7th grade when we got put together in a class and i was the only one she would talk to lol

What/who do you miss? precovid life? just being a kid in general? idk im a super nostalgic person i miss basically every aspect of my childhood

How was your day today? pretty good, i havent really done anything at all but sometimes thats nice. drew a picture, finished the stephen king book ive been reading forever (hearts in atlantis, it was very good), scrolled on tumblr, messaged some friends, watched ugly betty, basically just relaxed.

How much sleep did you get last night? mm like 7 hours

Do you believe in aliens? idk sounds kinda cool but i really dont know. if they are real then they definitely arent like the green people or anything like that

When was the last time you cried? Why? i sobbed on friday night watching dead poets society like could that movie be any sadder

What’s your favorite decade? ...the 70s. you can probably guess why

What are some seemingly childish things you like? playing those dress up games online like they are so fun idk why ppl stopped playing them

What’s your favorite book? Or just one that you’ve read a few times? it by stephen king, song of achilles by madeleine miller, extraordinaries by tj klune, this is the worst question ever i have no idea

How are you… really? im doing pretty good, a little stressed abt school and stuff, a little strained w/ my mom, but im doing pretty good

Does is take a long time for you to make decisions? pfff only if i actually make them usually i either impulse act or compromise (im bisexual what did you expect)

What are you looking forward to in the near future? going to the library tomorrow lol (i finished all my books from last week and i need more lol)

What are you looking forward to in the distant future? ummm graduating high school and moving out? idk im also very much dreading it

If you could go anywhere right now where would you go? the library

Do you sleep with your door open or door closed? open having it closed stresses me out bc of *trauma*

What’s your favorite flower? i have a soft spot for forget me nots and periwinkle

Do you currently have a squish? yesss theres this guy who i just wanna be besties with so bad but i dont even have his number i just watch him interacting with his other friens and am like 'ugh i wish'

Do you like your middle name? i do actually, it's lille and i think it's rlly pretty ngl

Do you prefer dogs or cats? dogs probly i have one of each and my cat is a little gremlin my dog just wants to cuddle

Do you have any phobias? no not rlly i dont think i guess slight trypophobia but honestly who doesnt

Do you stay up late? ahaha yes adhd be crazy

Do you like the beach? Do you prefer it sunny or cloudy? the beach is fine ig its fun sometimes. i definitely prefer clouds tho like a lot. as in i would rather be at the beach during a big storm and watch it rain and wind and wave from the safety of the living room while i read a book and drink some tea

What’s your favorite cartoon? either she-ra and the princesses of power or centaurworld

Tag 5 of your favorite blogs @rwbel-r3bel @feigning-folklore @nevilleismywhore @hey-its-kay99 @adhd-vibes

Do you have any siblings? How many? yes i have two sisters and a brother (all younger)

Who’s the last person you said “I love you” to? my friend ady

Is there anyone you would die for? yeah think so

What do you need when you’re sad? a tea, some music to vibe to, and someone to rant at (preferably my bsf)

Have you memorized your phone number? yeah ofc

Who’s somebody you could trust with your life? my bsf i think

What does your last text say? "lol why is it true"

so yeah heres this fun fun

Do you have freckles? yes actually

Do you drink tea or coffee? How do you take it? tea with three sugars and a splash of milk, I don’t like coffee

What was the last song you listened to? December by Taylor Swift

Do you sleep on your back, stomach or side? side

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? no but I force my car to cuddle me sometimes

Do you prefer drawing or writing? writing

What’s your ideal number of blankets to sleep with? two

What’s your favorite band/artist? band: the front bottoms, artist: mccafferty

When is your birthday? September 7th

How tall are you? 4'11 ever since grade 8

What color are your eyes? I actually don’t know how to describe the colour but I’ll put a picture at the very bottom?

Who are five (or more) people you want to hug right now? my little sister, my ex best friend, my moms ex husband who’s my best friend who is in the hospital, my cat, my friend

Fears? I can’t think of any but there definitely are a lot

What’s your favorite color? yellow

What’s your favorite season? summer

Want any tattoos? What of? I want that semicolon tattoo, ; (iykyk)

Want any piercings? Where? want two piercings on the corners of my mouth maybe

Who is the last person you texted? my mom

Do you have a best friend? How long have you been friends? I had a best friend since the day we were born, our mom’s were friends and got pregnant only a month apart

What/who do you miss? A lot of things

How was your day today? Not the best

How much sleep did you get last night? 2 hours ish

Do you believe in aliens? maybe

When was the last time you cried? Why? I was thinking of my old friend and how we fell out of touch

What’s your favorite decade? 1970's 

What are some seemingly childish things you like? My sister lmao

What’s your favorite book? Or just one you’ve read a few times? Harry Potter 💪💪

How are you, really? Eh not the best

Does it take you a long time to make decisions? Yep

What are you looking forward to in the near future? Watching Encanto again, I forced my sister to memorize all the lyrics so we can blurt them out, next is the dance moves she needs to work on

What are you looking forward to in the distant future? Idk

If you could go anywhere right now, where would you go? To hug Remus mf Lupin

Do you sleep with your door open or closed? Closed, I’m not a maniac

What’s your favorite flower? Sunflowers

Do you currently have a squish? Not sure what a squish is-?

Do you like your middle name? I have two, and I hate them both

Do you prefer dogs or cats? dogs, but my cats are amazing

Do you have any phobias? People really

Do you stay up late? Yep

Do you like the beach? Do you prefer it sunny or cloudy? I don’t like the beach, I once got but by a crab and got an infection because of the sand

What’s your favorite cartoon? Molang

Tag 5 of your favorite blogs @silverose365​ @marauderseraswiftie​ @incorrectmadrigalfamilyquotes​ @nectarinesupremacy04​ @basicallyremuslupin​

Do you have siblings? How many? 2 siblings

Who was the last person you said “I love you” to? I’ve said it a lot recently but I think I haven’t really meant it in so long that it doesn’t matter

Is there anyone you would die for? Yes

What do you need when you’re sad? A hug, some food and a movie

Have you memorized your phone number? yep

Who’s someone you can trust with your life? Nobody

What does your last text say? Delivered: bro I couldn’t tell you Received: wouldn’t be like blue better?

yep that’s my eye from question 11 so 

ignore the light from the camera lmao

open tag!!

[itsmichaelbtw]

tbh this is mostly just rant space for me rn, bc i wanted to verbalize my vague, rough-around-the-edges ideas into actual thoughts and this seemed a good way to do it. i dont 100% recommend reading this but do it if u want to, im just ranting abt my psychological state tbh

..

ok umm i rly dont recommend reading this now especially bc of the tags

sorry

but what if im not as positive and happy as everyone thinks and expects me to be, and that i expect myself to be???

like damn at times like these (late into the night, haven’t had actual human contact in a couple hours, everything feels weird and i feel kinda detached from the outside world ig idk) im just wondering how mentally stable i really am........ like god this last week or two has been psychologically intense

and just ........... are the feelings i have real ?? or am i telling myself that im having specific feelings and bein like “hmm yeah i guess that sounds about right my dude”

i just dont know how or what to feel rn and ive just been overall v v stressed by everything thats been going on and i need to chill but i cant and ugh

aaaaanyway rn im also wondering if im rly mentally healthy or not bc ive questioned myself many times on this; ive gone through a whole fuckton of shit since being little and my self esteem is super weird bc it usually goes between not existing at all and trying to just BE THERE and BE EVERYWHERE and i just ................. i keep feeling more and more all over the place and im keeping up with school but none of it ever even satisfies me anymore ..... like i was invited to join the fuckin NHS (National Honor Society) okay ......... iim not like trying to brag about it???? its just. ...... i feel like im struggling a lot emotionally and i need a break, and yet here i am getting really good grades? like my parents dont even expect this of me. they just want for me to pass. and when my dad like praised me for my grades, i used to get so happy bc idk im fucked up and getting approval from him was the best thing possible then, but now idk. i feel like im still subconsciously working for it [approval] but when i get it, i dont feel anything. nothing at all. its just like, getting near-perfect or fuckin perfect scores are no longer fulfilling and idk what to do w/ myself. i just. i ......

man, as i go on further, i feel like im degenerating and im

ugh

im still supposed to be happy 99% of the time? fuck goddammit.