#ive been praying! thats how scary this has been for me im literally turning to the Lord or whoever can like help me please please

[opiumvampire]

hi im back again not because im normal but because i really want to find that video of the girl showing off her weird toys and being like “this is…. Soy. Big. Soy.” because I have really been connecting with her lately. I probably wont be normal for a long time because all of my nightmares have been made manifest but it was a valiant effort right yes

[candyclan]

Coming out letter to my mom. (FTM) At the start of my transition, I wanted to go by a name that started with an “A”because my birthname did. All the rest of it is basically the same.

THE TRUTH:

I didn’t scream “I am a boy” at my parents. Honestly, my mother (specifically) controlled a lot of what I did, who I hung out with, and what I wore as a child. I believe she has/had an idea about what she wanted out of a daughter since I was born, and really just lived through me. I think she eventually had to give me room to make my own decisions, later in life. I didn’t come out until I was 16, although I had spent 6 months prior to even coming out thinking about my gender identity. I was extremely sheltered. I want you guys to know that I didn’t know what being transgender was until I was a freshman in high school and met my best friend (who is STILL MY BEST FRIEND TODAY) who identified as Non-binary gender fluid. I had never really met someone AFAB that lived to be anything other than female. With that came the knowledge that sometimes, men don’t necessarily have to have penises and I can wear whatever I’m comfortable with. I used to be religious in middle school (raised Christian) but I never found god. It never made sense to me how so many people can put their faith in other people’s ideas of what god is (the Bible) but not listen when their real CHILD comes to them and tells them that they feel uncomfortable in their gender identity. I also came out as bisexual in middle school, after meeting a girl I had a fancy for. To which my mother sobbed and cried and asked how she had failed as a parent. I remember loving pink, it was my favorite color. Pink, purple, blue. My top 3. Now it’s blue, pink, purple but basically the same. I had a pink room, loved hello kitty, let my mom curl my hair with little curlers at night so I could wake up and be somebody different the next day. My brother played with carebears and my Barbie dolls more than I did as a child. I remember a toy gun and handcuffs. I was fairly experimental as a child, I did: Girl Scouts, swimming, piano, soccer, ballet, cheerleading, and more honestly. I always got “boy” toys at McDonald’s (I mean cmon they’re cooler) I just was kinda everywhere. I feel like that’s easier for someone AFAB to be. My brother was harassed by my family for liking girly things but I was never shown that I couldn’t like stereotypical “boy things” by extended family. My mother however in the line at McDonalds I could never forget, turned and looked at me (baseball cap backwards tank top and shorts)and said “So, what?” “Are you batting for the other team” implying that because of the clothes I liked to wear I would be a lesbian. My mother (like I said, kinda controlling and extremely narcissistic) when I was allowed to cut my hair super short for the first time I was 16. Afterwards she has said things like: “but you’re so pretty how could you have cut your hair” “you looked so nice with long hair” I never felt akin to femininity. I was actually VERY uncomfortable with it. I hated being the “weaker” gender. I never wanted my nails painted. It was torture. I acted like makeup and and nail polish was torture, the hairbrush was my enemy. I used to just put my hair up in a low ponytail every day as I got older. I knew she’d never let me cut it all off. Basically, other than wanting to grow up strong and tough and not liking to be treated like a female, I was female. There were parts of being female I didn’t really have a problem with, and honestly that’s why I didn’t come out for so long. I wasn’t in a house or raised by people I knew would accept anything other than me being their “little girl” I was a daddies girl. So between my lack of understanding of where my feelings towards my gender roles were coming from, being encouraged by my family to be girly, not being exposed to gender diversity (or anything queer), and my controlling mother, I remained in the dark about who I was.

TRIGGER WARNING:::(abuse)::::: I was never close with my mother, and actually hated her growing up. To this day she is the most judge mental, self-centered woman I know. My father was funny, charismatic, and lost his shit sometimes. I like to say, 90% of the time he was amazing. We made jokes and could literally finish each other’s sentences. But honestly my father, 10% of the time was abusive. Most of my abuse in my life was covert (narcissistic abuse from my mother) and verbal/emotional/barely physical abuse from my father. He’s 6”3’ 350 lbs and very loud and scary, especially to a young child. He punched a hole in my wall, he threw a remote at a wall and shattered it to pieces, he threatened to kill my dog with a baseball bat in front of me. Which I swear to god he would have done if I wasn’t holding my dog, protecting him. These moments were few and far between, but they were riddled with insults and almost always left me with less than I started with. My father did spank my brother and I, and one time he clapped my brother so well that he left a purple hand mark on his butt. My mother told my father she’d take us away if that happened again. My father never left marks. He never had to, he was so big and would just get up in my face and scream at me. He made me feel helpless. Because he was invading my space I felt physically threatened, and he never actually had to touch me and leave bruises because that threat was already implied by invading my space. I was so young, but I always knew my family wasn’t right. Finally at 16, I stood up to my father for the first time. I didn’t care if he was bigger than me, I didn’t care if I would lose, I was willing to fight for me. Anyway, long story short the police were called because we were screaming at each other in front of his apartment building. I’m not going to say I didn’t fuck up as a teenager, but I never deserved the pressure and the abuse he was dishing out and had dished out my whole life. I knew that. I cut him out of my life just after turning 16, by then I had been questioning my identity. It became easier after leaving my father to fall into who I was. My father is FAIRLY religious and my mother claims to be but she never talks about god, she never prays, and now that my father and her are divorced I don’t think she’s been inside a church since. Losing my father was a lot, despite his abuse he and I were really close and had really similar personalities. The reality of abuse isn’t “well, now I see them as an abuser so now none of that good stuff is left it’s all tainted” I had to struggle with losing someone very important in my life at a young age, for myself.

Arguments against me being trans:

My family has been a bit divided in responding to me coming out. By now, it’s been about 4 years.

My mother and her side of the family are in denial. They don’t understand how I can’t be a “lesbian that just likes boy things”. They don’t use my name or pronouns.

My father, what little communication I have with him now, is bewildered. He and I had a discussion this past Christmas where I brought up what his abuse did to me mentally and he apologized but then tried to say “well what about your part in all of this” and said that I was hanging out with crazy depressed people, cutting myself, doing drugs, (I was smoking weed and I’ve tried acid like once piss off) and was sneaking out. Yeah. I did do all of that BUT GUESS WHAT. IM 20. I go where I wanna go. I fuck who I wanna fuck. I smoke what I want and guess what? It’s not any different from when I was 16 except now I don’t have parents up my ass telling me what to do. His argument basically was that I need to own up to what I did too and that fucking angered me. You don’t apologize and then go “well what about you” that’s not an apology. That’s deflection and honestly I don’t think I need to apologize because my parents were super controlling. I was just trying to do what I wanted and they didn’t like it. He and I have talked about me being trans and he pretty much thinks I’m certifiable. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

My brother: Ethan, my brother and I have always been close. He’s 17 now, and he had a different reaction to me being trans. Of all of my family he was the most receptive to my pleas of gender dysphoria and he suffers with anxiety so he gets stuff. But alas, after asking him if he’d call me by my name and pronouns (after 4 years of being out) he thinks that I am the one that has an issue with society. I told him I was starting T soon and he said: “Hrt won’t lessen all the things that come with being transgender. If you feel like doing hormones is the best for you then do it, but from a logical standpoint I think there just needs to be more thickening of skin” he claimes that if I try hard enough I could be fine living as female. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

None of my family supports me. None of my family understands. And none of them ever will. I have been out for four fucking years. I can’t tell you how frustrating family rejection can be. I have cried so much at the idea of not having a supportive family. I feel like I was ripped away from a beautiful life somewhere and thrust into this mess.

Honestly though, it doesn’t matter, the world keeps spinning and I keep finding people who love and accept me for who I truly am. I have made peace with my family’s lack of acceptance. It’s made me stronger and more compassionate towards others. Made me want to be better than them. I am actually going to start hormones soon, and on top of other fears I have, will be cutting my family out of my life. I can’t be 25 with a full beard and getting misgendered by my family. I can’t do it. They may feel like I’m going too far, that I don’t have to do this, but I do. I’m not doing this because I didn’t get too much attention as a kid or my mom favored my brother over me, I’m not doing this because it’s cool, I’m not doing this because I’m bored, I’m not doing this because I hate myself or anyone else. This is AFFIRMATION. Sometimes, cutting people who can’t see you for who your really are out of your life is affirming too.

Guys, girls, people, keep your head up. Things get better, I know. I thought life was never going to get better so I know that’s what it can feel like. But it does. Never ever let someone control your life or who you are. You’re beautiful/handsome/amazing! You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin and to love who you are. I am getting there, we all are.

Love,

Tanner M.

[theexceptionnottherule]

September 3, 2020

I dont even know where to start. My life has completely done a full 360 and i feel like im stuck in park. From this pandemic to the government turning on itself to the passing of my beautiful grandmother none of it seems real at this point. It truly feels like a vivid horrendous nightmare. I keep hoping that i wake up and everything will be back to normal but as the days go on it sets in that this is my new normal. I usually say i embrace change but that is a total and utter lie i hate change or at least i hate change when im not ready for it. The abruptness both irks and scares me because it gives you 0 time to adjust and i have to just roll with the punches or get left behind. I so badly wish i could take off the rest of this year and hide and come out on new years eve. I feel numb some days and others i feel every single thing in the universe around me, like all my senses are heightened. I can’t believe my grandmother is no longer with us, it still doesnt feel real. It still hasnt hit me that shes never coming back, that that was the last time i would see her. I cant believe i even fuckin wrote that, that my grandmother is never coming back. That shes not going to call me on my birthday or be there for my wedding, graduation or for my kids. How is that even possible? Like that doesnt even make sense to me logically. Its like my brain cant connect those dots. I’ve never endured a pain like this before EVER in my life and im thankful for the last 29 years that i was protected from such agony. They say things get better with time but this definitely isnt the case for me as least for now and for what feels like a long time. I cant help but think of people like Ms. Colon who lost her only child, her daughter, Meg the Stallion who lost her only living parent, her mom and Vanessa Bryant who lost the love of her life and her daughter how they’ve maintained to stay positive, optimistic and bright, through this dark haze they are in.I feel as though they posses a level of calm that i am no where close to. How am i to ever really smile and laugh again, how am i supposed to feel protected in this big and scary world. She was the glue that kept us all together, she was the headquarters for our family. Eventhough she isnt presently here our family has never felt closer together. I love my family so much, the way we have come together during this time has truly shown our strength and i know she would be so proud. I would give anything to hear her voice or see her name pop up on my caller id. The love she gave me could never be duplicated not even by my little sister even though she is second place. My grandmother gave me unconditional love at all times, even when i wasnt appreciative of or even deserving of it. She never judged me or made me feel anything less than her sweet girl. She made me the woman i am today and i wouldnt have it any other way. My last living grandparent is gone and now its just us. I havent prayed nor spoken to God since everything has happened i feel as though im not ready for that conversation yet. Ive been wanting a change in my life because i have been feeling stagnant and stuck but never did i think the change would be this drastic, sudden or painful. There are so many things that i wish i could go back and do but time is a force that is constantly moving and i have to keep up with the pace. I wish the world would just stop spinning so i can just catch my breathe for once. Anytime i have felt stuck or needed a kick in the ass God knew exactly what i needed and how to give it to me. I just wish i was more prepared. The passing of my grandma has absolutely made me a softer, more forgiving, more sensitive, more compassionate, more understanding woman, its odd because i thought i had already possessed these qualities but now i am wayy more empathetic and sympathetic. The guard i use to have up to protect myself and block off feelings i didnt want to embrace (whether because i couldnt handle it or wasnt ready to face it) is completely gone, i feel so vulnerable and scared now. I feel a deeper sense of myself and feel more intuned to my emotions. I feel as though i dont know what my normal is anymore. Its like everything is up in the air now, i feel as though absolutely nothing is sacred anymore in this world, hell in this lifetime. Its like anything can happen at anytime and thats a very scary feeling for me. So much of my life has been predictable and regimented but now its like who knows what today brings. I wake up every morning almost flinching and bracing myself for a new day in 2020 because this year has been filled with soooo many unpredictable events. This year has tested me in soo many ways and it has shown me so much in these 9 months, things about myself, my circle, my relationships, my courage, my strength, my determination. I just wish i had time to just get away and recollect and recharge. I feel like as i approach this milestone birthday i am really starting a new chapter in my life. It feels like im officially on my own now and i have to get real serious about my future and which direction i want to take. While writing my grandmothers obituary i couldnt help but think of what i would want my own obituary to say. What accomplishments and milestones would be on there, what my family and friends would say about me, and who would attend. My grandmother eventhough she did not have many material accolades, she engrained in everyone she encountered the importance of family and love. Family and love are probably the two things ive had an abundance of and yet took for granted. Approaching 30 i now know that those are truly the only thing on this Earth that matter. How ive touched people and how ive made people feel is whats important in life, because that is what lives on after all your materialistic things are gone. I thought ive always been so grateful to have family but i now know that i wasnt, it just sounded good to say. I ache for my mother and her sisters who dont have either of their parents anymore and that all they have are one another. A sisterhood a bond unlike no other, they will forever be there for one another no matter what. They are literally all they have besides their children. The pain that i feel when i hear my mom say “now i dont have a mother” is shattering because i know she must feel so alone in this big world without her mom. I cant help but think about when my mom passes away how alone i’ll feel especially being that i dont have any siblings from her. But thinking about things like that wont do anything but cause me to be anxious, and i have to remember to stay in the present and make the best of the time i have now. I feel like a running theme for me has been starting over, i enjoy starting fresh i feel like it gives me a opportunity to try again. This is truly a new beginning for me and idk how to address it nor where to start.

[survivor-kalymnos]

Ep. 9 - “im running on borrowed time”- Franco

Michele

I would love to see a full list of who everyone voted for. Its VERY fishy and a complete blindside. Makes me feel worse about disadvantage next round

lenny

Right when cranjes becomes my ally, they get kicked off. lol. what is happening in this tribe rn? I want to get to the bottom of it.

michele

ive never felt more alone in this game. people clearly lied to me.

lenny

according to dusty, Franco and Eliza flipped for the split vote. yuck! what to do now? I don't know. I think if I have any chance of getting Eliza or Michele out, I have to make a new alliance. 

lenny

Dusty just said that her franco rain and worm were the ones to flip and that makes me very anxious and I don't know if I can trust rain fully :/ that makes me sad. I really hope I can. 

lenny

so michele and I are talking which is v heartwarming. I apologized for being cold towards her. I hope we can work together. 

Dusty

Well that was messed up LMAO That’s the second time Eliza has flipped on me and taken out my closest ally...anyway I will not be working with her anymore. But I’m gonna make her believe it. And thank you to my amazing acting skills she gave me her half of the super idol..........ma’am. I’m so sorry. She expects me to give it back to her after this round but Idk if I can do that if she isn’t in the game anymore! She also told me that it was her and Franco that flipped with rain and worm. So now I’m trying to work with Lenny and Michele who seem to be on board, and it seems like I’ll also have to working with frank and Sasha. And with this blind round there’s a fear of voting for someone that won immunity buuut at least I have a 10% advantage to help me out :) Wish me luck!

michele

kinda blew up a little so gonna lay low for strategy. i also sometimes take things too personally which is why i only do like 1 org a year so that last tribal got to me a lot. franco messaged me saying he doesnt trust me and even tho his instincts are completely correct idk it just feels weird. i think i just hate general confrontation 

Frank

So I’m shocked Cranjes left but I’m quite happy about it. He was leading a lot of things so to have him go is wonderful. After tribal, Michele approached me about getting out Eliza or Franco, so we stan that. Once one of them is gone though the other needs to be taken out as well since they’re both strong and we don’t need one of the having a story of, oh my partner got out but I still made it through so much. After that get rid of Dusty and then Lenny at some point bc who. I’m fairly quiet but Lenny is practically a ghost. Right now the only person I actually trust though is Sasha, which is not something I thought I would say but here we are.

Franco

Blind rounds are so SCARY. Mainly the part about no one knowing who wins immunity. Like, we got out 2 idols last round by blindsiding Cranjes and flushing Frank's, but theres still more out there. And no one is going to know how tribal is going to play out Michele was kinda pissed at us for leaving her out of the vote. But? Sis left us out of her alliance with og Plati, and didnt give us ANY information last round despite knowing I was a target. Eliza is also.... Kinda not smart. She gave her half of the idol to Dusty because she wanted to reconcile. Which is nice and all! But thats a direct chance for him to get back at us and take a shot at us. Keeping the idol separate was best for everyone. So I just gotta pray Eliza knows Dusty as well as she says she does!! I dont expect to win this challenge. Im gonna chat around, but I think Im going to have to play my idol this round to save my skin. My name has been thrown around 2 rounds in a row, im running on borrowed time. We'll see how today goes!

Frank

So Franco messaged me about if I’m gonna vote him this round and that he doesn’t understand why I’m going after him. So I did the kind thing and explained it and said that I don’t want to work with him because he’s working with everyone and that I don’t see that as being beneficial to my game. So Franco is my target again and michele messaged me last night to get rid of him so we stan. I’m probably gonna get votes but who could be shocked by that.

Franco

surprise!! my name is going around AGAIN!! i'm so. not shocked. Frank has it out for my for some reason?? I confronted him this morning, let him know his """allies""" are throwing him under the bus and offered to exchange information or work together in some capacity but he literally turned it down. first rule of survivor is never shut down lines of communication like that!! he is denying any chance of game relationship we could have and thats such bad gameplay. I bombed the challenge because I'm dumb. And now that I know my name is circulating I'm going to have to play my idol. I just have to hope that whatever happens is good for my game. It's so hard to orchestrate votes during an invisible round, everyone is playing strictly for themselves because there's no reason not to. I really really finally want Frank gone. This is the THIRD ROUND in a row I've said that. but seriously I'm over him. he's gotta GO.

Eliza

Dear diary... Literally can’t believe we pulled that blindside off! I had to do some damage control with dusty and because I know what kind of player he is I gave him my half of the super idol. I told him I’d give it to him for this round to prove that the cranjes vote had nothing to do with him and that he is still someone I want to work with. He seemed shocked but obviously took the security and I think I have at least some of his trust back, I mean this IS the second time I blindsided him and voted out his closest ally. Now I know you’re probably thinking, ellie you’re a dumbass, and that I am but I know how dusty works at this point in the game and it’s gonna take a bold move like that one to get ANY of his trust back. Franco didn’t think it was the best move but I can’t just play according to Franco’s standards. The invisible round is absolutely terrifying, everyone agrees that it’s frank but we all know that he could 100% win this challenge. Obviously everyone with a brain wants to split but some of these people won’t wanna split again after they got out smarted, Franco might be playing his idol because we all know frank wants him out but frank has also said I need to go and I have absolutely no security rn so yeah, I’m fucking scared. Let’s see what happens!

Rain

So... I haven’t been around much today. I abstained from immunity. My depression is kicking in and even tho I’m doing well in the game, I can’t be bothered to get into it, as much as I want to. So I’ll ride Franco and Eliza’s coattails until either I pull out of this funk or I get voted out. The move tonight is to try to get frank. Except he’s kinda good at challenges (although, tbh, hasn’t been that great since returning - maybe the idol was holding him back?) so we think he may get immunity. I think voting Sasha would be better - like come on, I don’t even think he’s trying (is that hypocritical to say?) and he only talks to his allies. The other side (oh is it just dusty, Sasha, and frank now? Fuckin sweet) doesn’t even attempt to socialize with me. Dusty to some extent, but talking to Sasha and frank is like talking to a fucking wall. I’ll be happy if either of them go. But tbh at this point I’m ready to join the jury. I’m going to keep playing and keep trying because that’s what jay and the people I’ve voted out deserve to see, but whenever I go home, I know I played a good game for my first game in over a year. 

lenny

not feeling confident about this challenge or good in general. Rain is most likely working with franco and eliza. I hope I can trust dusty. oof

Worm

So last round seemed to have back fired. I think I have alienated myself even more but I'm not sure if saying people not talking to me is showing that. They weren't talking to me before anyway so I guess nothing really changed then lol They goal this round is to target Frank which is okay with me cause I think people will start going after bigger targets next round like Eliza and Franco. Michele seems really mad at me which i can't fault her for so my goal if I survive this round is to talk to her and get her back on my side. Maybe reuniting the alliance of dusty, her, and I could make a huge impact. This challenge is really difficult so I don't think I had any chance of winning. I kinda hope I do for just in case reasons. If I being told the truth and everyone is targeting Frank then it should happen pretty easily. His idol got flushed last round so it should be simple to get rid of him. But until those votes are read I do believe that I will be the one going home.

Frank

Watch Franco have an idol and I go home. That would be funny, tbh I guess it just would be. But oh boy I am gonna get myself a nice snack if Franco goes...although let's be real I'm gonna have a nice snack no matter what. But I just want to stay and have Franco or Eliza leave since that would benefit my game to an extreme since they KEEP TRYING TO VOTE ME OUT. Or at least saying my name which is enough for me. Like if you say my name, get out!

rain

Tribal is in a few minutes, and I’ve just had an emotional chat with Franco He is truly an incredible ally and I really look forward to being in the reunion w him and finding out who he is irl (although I have a guess) Anyway, I just wanted to give him some positive edit, because I’m sure he’s very N as the villain of the game :P 

Dusty

This is crazy idek if I won immunity or what’s happening I changed my vote like 3 times LMAO i voted for Eliza I don’t know what’s happening i think I’m freaking out for no reason. My only fear is michele being very quiet. 

michele

being quiet worked i guess. wasnt really a game move but i didnt get voted out so yay

Sasha

I really just gave up on trying to have my own strategy/game and just voted how people told me to huh

Eliza

Dear diary... It was a tie between me and frank, this might be the last time I write in confessions but hopefully I was able to make some sort of impact in the game. Wow this sucks

Dusty

jflkdsaiof okay a tie well michele being quiet all day meant that she didnt get the chance to know the vote was for eliza... which just made me think someone decided to not flip against eliza/franco so in the revote i reached out to worm and rain to try and get them to flip which they both denied. ugh im so stupid, they would know regardless that i flipped, but now it seems like i was soooo adamant about her going... oh well. Franco is going to be pissed anyway

[survivorbouvetisland]

Episode #3: “Find out next time on total drama suck my ass” - Andrew

Bodhi

I'm pretending to have been told to vote for Kelsey, but in reality I knew exactly who was leaving, and I just wanted to see what happened. So I called out my old tribe in the swapped tribe chat and Kelsey is explaining what happened to me while I call Trixie and Nehemiah snakes. I quite like those two and I kinda regret calling them out for something they didn't do like that, but it's FUN.

QuilLynn

So im on albatross now and I couldn't be happier! so far everyone seems nice, i've only talked really to shea and roxy but i really like both of them so far. The only person i'm with from skua is austin, but he can go tbh if he needs too, noah fence I just don't really have a relationship with him and im here to win and make some drama!

I tried to get a higher score on this reward challenge than i think the other team will get altogether. I hope it will establish me as a threat and serious player in this game. I'm trying to integrate with Shea, Roxy and Ali, because I know old albatross is going to stick together, I'm hoping i'll be able to work with them but I trust nobody 100% in this game. I told Shea that if I get an idol clue i'd share it with him, that's half true. If i get an Idol clue and find myself in the same situation as i was in at Skua then I'll get his advice with the idol, but if i find that bitch its mine! 

stop spelling my name wrong @hosts it quillynn (two n's like how you all seem to have two 21st chromosomes)  im going to POP OFF..... im jk love you guys <3, but it is two n's 

Roxy's opinions are wrong sorry. Also @my tribe thanks for the all work in the challenge. I really feel like i'm going to be dragging this team through these challenges. At least trixie did something at this point she's the only one i wouldn't be okay with voting out.

I feel like with me on this team there is no way we lose a music video challenege, even though pretty much everyone seems to not want to be involved in it. I wanted to take editing too, but i let trixie take it because she said to me she was really good and i didn't want to come off as a total control freak, although i'm sure i still will... I will probably still help with the editing tbh. I just want to win! 

I tried confiding in shea that I had an idol clue in hopes that he'd be able to give me some info about old albatross and also build trust, but i don't think it really worked. I like shea, but don't trust him. He didn't give me much and said roxy was the best in the scavanger hunt. When I went to roxy and asked her about the same challenege she said she was too busy to do basically any of it. To be fair I don't believe her either, but i might need to talk to one more person before I really can find out which one is lying and who has the first clue for the albatross idol

There is a crack starting to present itself within the old albatross tribe. Shea and roxy clearly don't get along. I believe i could convince roxy to vote shea out if i needed too, i just would need to solidify the rest of the votes which might be hard since i haven't talked much to the other non-albatross members. I also like shea and would want him to stay over roxy but realistically it would be harder to get his vote and I have a gut feeling that we should take him out asap if we get the opportunity. 

We won, DUH. Skua's was shit ours was great, the judges were clearly on crack for lowballing our scores. 

Trixie, Nehe, Austin, and myself might make an "outsiders" alliance amongst our tribe. Based on performance in the the last immunity challenge I'm contemplating throwing the next in order to get shea out. If we have our alliance plus maybe the vote of roxy or ali we'll be able to do it. 

Jacob

Hey look, new tribes! I'm glad to see Bodhi! <3 And now I can get to know some more new people. I'm pretty excited overall, but I guess only time will tell how this turns out in the end.

Welp. That challenge was a bust. At least Regan is asking us to vote her out so we don't have to worry about the vote. I keep forgetting we have to do confessionals through this thing instead of just dropping them in the Host Chat.

Trixie

RIP dana. She had so much to live for. I can't believe she smacked her head and now she's dead. She deserved it for putting me in this tribe. JK everyone is very lovely and I'm trying to snuff out the problematics from the ppl I can trust.

This. Girl. Is. The. Nastiest. Skank. Bitch. I. Have. Ever. Met. Do. Not. Trust. Her. She. Is. A. Fugly. Slut. #Mean-Girl-Dana@notgivingmeareward.com JK!!! <3 

I'M LIVING FOR THIS FIGHT. BUY PRAYING ON ITUNES.

I just finished the music video, I hope everybody likes it!

I'm sorry but can I just fucking say I spent like 2 hours editing that 5 minute music video and not even a single 10/10 by the judges. Get fucked! I know we won but Skua's was less than a minute long and some bitch judges have the audacity to give us lower scores than them. Yikes @ these judges, learn how to judge

I'm thinkin aboot making an alliance with Quillynn and Nehe. Quillynn is up for this and said that maybe we can add Austin to make an alliance of 4 that way we can have half the votes on our team. I'm worried Albatross will just try to pick us off since we're the leftovers of Skua & Adelie

Andrew

Will Jacob ever agree with anything? Find out next time on total drama suck my ass

Regan

MY TRIBE IS FULL OF ANNOYING FUCKS. I hate this tribe swap no one wants to agree on any song we pick which are all bops by the way. 80s songs in general are bops!!!!!

I didnt think it was possible to hate the tribe this much..... its not a music video if youre using like audio clips from random shit thats just a video idk i dont find it creative i hate rupauls drag race so fucking much.  im sorry our tribe is full of weirdos but like????

Nicholas

no offense but why is my entire tribe inbred

Zack

I hope my tribe does well with those music video. I will be in a car for thirteen hours and cannot do lip sync without having to do a long explanation as to why I'm doing it.

Kelsey

Oh my...SO much has happened since the last week lovers, let me catch you all up. So first, tribal. It was quite clear that Trixie and Bodhi were on opposing sides than Ragan and Cole. Trixie really did feel it was best to eliminate Cole from the competition, but Ragan had her doubts as did I. I feel as if Bodhi is not the best...communicator. Cole wasn't either, but he was better. But regardless, I draw up a plan that says that Ragan, Cole, Nehe(who was in the center of all of it) and I vote out Bodhi, therefore keeping Cole around. We all agreed on it and I thought it was sickening...until we get to the vote and myself and Cole are the only ones to vote for Bodhi. Ragan chickened out at the last moment and Nehe said he wanted to force a tie. L U D I C R O U S. Did they HONESTLY think that it would work if it tied? Oh, whatever. Trixie's happy, everyone assumes Ragan was the second vote, I'm still the sweet girl of the tribe. Whatever. And then we tribe swap...oh WHATEVER. I'm going to miss my romance island...especially now that we have to leave it FOREVER. Ragan and Bodhi both end up on the same tribe as me and, while it's nice to have the familiar faces, those two will probably not end up working together. Bodhi has a nice boiling rage for Trixie and Ragan and Ragan herself...is...so much more assertive on this tribe than she was last time. All these new people are also a bit scary to me...I don't think many of them particularly see themselves working with me and I know that's going to be deepened ever more after this challenge. All I can do is hope that I can make people like me like Gwen Stefani and slay...I know I'm not going to participate in this challenge. I have a fake name, I don't feel like revealing anything about myself...and it's tragic. I have to choose between a silly fear and a necessary challenge and I already know I'm picking fear. Not to mention there is a supposed music guru on the other side...I am just preparing myself for the worst. Oh, how I miss the Isles of Romance...no matter how messy it was...

And THAT'S all there is to it~! Can you pay my telephone billz? -Kelsey V Mikaelson

Well...that challenge was a thing. I expected it to be a particularly tough challenge...I did NOT expect to be left with doing the brunt of the work. I never expect editing to be so dificult...but my submission was made and honestly? I'm proud of it. I feel like it's sickening, not because of quality, but because I made it in three hours, odds against and I feel like it's wonderful. It may not be a music video but gosh...I'm proud. If I go home this week, I feel like I made something I can take with me and that's incredible. I do hope I don't leave...some of the reactions to the performance were less the incredible...but my name is Kelsey Mikaelson, darling. A lover's quarrel is nothing more than a love bite to me~! I wish myself the best...for strategy, I know, on my end, these people aren't as welcoming to a romantic such as myself. All I can do is...Pray. *rolls eyes* IT DIDNT EVEN HAVE ALL OF THE TRIBEMATES UGH X'D And THAT'S all there is to it~! Wish me luck, hen-pen-pals~! Yours truly, Kelsey V Mikaelson

Ali

IM LEGIT IN AN AlLIANCE WITH EVERYONE HELP ME!

Austin

OK so I still have zero social game. Apparently I was the last to be picked and that's pretty funny. I'm on a tribe with Nehe and Ali SO I formed an alliance with them and that was literally the first thing I said to them. They know I'm on vacation so I can't really talk much, but Ali seemed to be very into it. I've known Zack just as long as I've known Isaiah/Jay so he's 100% going to be a number for me considering this is his first ORG. I've literally fallen into a position of power without even trying. I told Ali/Nehe that Bodhi and I are a part of a secret twist called "Secret Lovers" and if we make merge then we can decide if we want to give immunity to two other players during round 1 merge. IVE LITERALLY SECURED SAFETY OFF OF BULLSHIT AND BODHI DOESNT EVEN KNOW!! Tbh just get me to merge with Jay, Zack, and Bodhi and I can guarantee final 3....Lmao I haven't even spoken to anyone