#ive been kinda depressed lately and want to write/read angst

[torra-and-the-toons]

There's been another comic idea in the back of my mind that I've been really hesitant to think about because I don't want to get distracted from In the Ed...

I draw comics because I don't like my writing, though that doesn't stop me from trying lol. Perhaps I'll write this newer idea as a fanfiction, and work on it in between being burnt out from drawing.

The idea is more along the lines of most of them out there, BPS never happened and the eds struggle to find themselves in adulthood. Slow burn angst with a happy end. No supernatural horror elements in this one.

Who knows, either way I want to do something with it eventually.

[loneliestluvr]

𝑻𝒐 𝑴𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒘𝒔 𝑰 𝑾𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝑮𝒐, 𝒊.

i. ii.

Pairing: Eris Vanserra x Archeron OC

Synopsis: Caught up in a world of hollow grief for her people, her life, and her father, Blair Archeron is forced into a life under the light she wants no part of after ghosting through immortality since being Made. But what she finds, is not what she expects.

Warning: depression, worthlessness, cauldron trauma, angst, that’s kinda it for now tbh.

Word Count: 1.9k

taryn thinks: ive been thinking about eris vanserra for a long time and reading lost bonds by @readychilledwine about tamlin kind of gave me some inspo and motivation i haven’t had in a while to write this. also ttpd because ive been down in the dumps and feeling angsty so… enjoy!! 🫶🏼 i apologize if it’s a bit scrambled lol, i just wanted to write it out.

The fabric Nuala and Cerridwen had dressed her in erased any and all traces of the truth. The destitute it had felt her life became since this newfound immortality ripped everything Blair Archeron had ever known away from her, tucked away. Hidden behind the gauzy chiffon.

There had been small pockets of awareness, of feeling like she had control over herself lately. Where she didn’t rot away in bed, or a chaise— alone and wrapped in the quiet of her mind. Staring into open space, ghosting through whatever this life was.

Those times were hard to come by, and even when the war against Hybern was raging it was decided Blair would stay safe in Velaris. Where she had always remained. Where she did not leave, until today.

It was a pointed argument among their small circle that this life was no better than what Feyre had been through with Tamlin, but Blair did not fight it. Simply… existed inside of it.

It wasn’t that nobody tried to help, they did. They asked questions, gave the second eldest sister every chance to open up. To get out, to experience this new world. To talk.

Elain would argue even when she did, it was mere hollows of the person Blair had been who responded. The echoes that remembered how to speak, that walked so smoothly and carelessly that she seemed to float on a hot wind.

Blair was not fearless, she was not cunning, she was not soft, nor was she anything that her sisters were. She was simply… other.

And maybe that was the furthest thing from simple, that there were no words to describe the ethereal beauty of her hollowness. Maybe there never would be.

Blair didn’t seem to mind, and she got away with it.

Content was the feeling that seemed the most appropriate to describe the life she lead now. Moved into her youngest sisters River Home, with a large room at the end of the house overlooking the winding waters. The gardens Elain had crafted and tended when she wasn’t at the townhouse sat below, the large expanse of the land out to the river in full view. The snow capped mountains that danced across the skyline, one’s she sometimes watched Feyre paint in front of from her window day after day, month after month.

She supposed she had it coming when Nesta was forced to the House of Wind. When her older sister by a mere year had pointed out that Blair had amounted to nothing in the time Nesta had been taken hostage inside that House on the side of the mountain. When Nesta had been expected to work and be something, Blair had still remained as useless as before.

“She is adjusting,” Feyre had argued on Blair’s behalf. Blair had been the kindest of their sisters to Feyre when they were in that cabin, poor and broken and nothing. Who had helped with no qualms, who had genuinely cared for them all— even their seemingly worthless father. “—she did not ask for this, the same as you. At least she is not drinking herself to death.” The smartest of them, as Feyre had described to Rhys’ Inner Circle before those meetings in the mortal realm, others would have thought the same if they knew her before.

Before she became this… thing.

“You let her wither away, sitting about in her sadness and grief and her muteness. I would think she had forgotten how to speak if it weren’t for the utterly mundane responses she gives.” Nesta had barked back at their little sister while Blair sat by the window, unmoving. Her face a mask of cool indifference like she wasn’t quite hearing anyway. “How is what she’s doing any different than what I have? Because she isn’t spending your money? Because she hasn’t tainted Rhysand’s precious Court image?”

She didn’t care how they spoke of her, didn’t care to defend herself from Nesta’s forked tongue— it took more energy than she had to argue. Blair could have washed away right into the water that rushed through the river she stared into for all she cared.

Everything had just gone so… wrong from that point. As if Nesta’s breaking point was seeing her first baby sister be so broken and discarded, she had ripped into a secret nobody had even bothered to tell Feyre or Blair— that Feyre’s babe would kill her.

The rest had been a blur like usual after and here they were, dressed and gowned in the finest clothes they had. In the short time since finding out about Feyre’s deadly predicament, everyone seemingly had agreed with Nesta about Blair’s lack of presence in their court… or any at all.

The only people who knew she existed were those that were present when she was forced into the bitterly cold water of the cauldron. When it had felt as though she drowned, that she had died there and something else had filled her body. Felt as though she could only see herself from outside of her body, outside of whatever she had became.

Blair Archeron would be making her debut to the Court of Nightmares in the same fashion Feyre would be revealing her pregnancy. She didn’t know much else, didn’t care for the details or even why Nesta had been training in dances they both knew since childhood. Just what she was to wear and to come when called.

To admit the dress she was now wearing wasn’t utterly beautiful would be a disgrace in itself, and she looked stunning.

Despite her pointed ears being viewable, Blair’s long and heavy gold-brown hair had been curled gorgeously, cascading down her freckled and fair bare back to cover where her dress did not. Kissing and tickling the skin when she moved her head, half of her hair pulled back from her face into loose twirls and braids.

Her face painted in light cosmetics that she didn’t need. It was no secret that her beauty came first out of the four sisters, even before dear Elain’s— skin freckled, dark lashes and brows, cheeks usually tinted pink naturally. But her eyes, her eyes were the rarest of her sisters and what made her so profoundly different.

A base of that gray-blue that grew more vibrant as it met her pupil. But the flecks of nearly golden amber splattered like an artist had flicked their wrist in a rush is what made them so different.

Why the black of her dress fit her so much better than it did poor Elain, her second youngest sister nearly washed out by the bleak darkness she had been presented to wear.

The dress clinging to Blair’s torso was bedecked in gold sparkling beads that formed lines of detail along the bodice and the hem by her feet, the fabric black beneath it. Hugging tight to her figure. Eating and drinking had gotten easier after the war and had allowed her to fill out again.

Her full breasts wrapped tight to her chest where they sat prettily, the dips in her hips and waist outlined by the sheer sleeves that flared well past her hands, capped around her shoulders but left her back utterly bare despite the illusion of the chiffon looking like a cape.

The dress hung from her body as she waited almost carelessly to enter the throne room of Hewn City, and Blair felt a little like she might die.

The air here, anywhere, was so much colder than the sweltering heat of her bedroom where she kept the fire roiling day and night— where she felt like she was at home even if it was just in her head. Sleeping on the floor in front of it most nights, where the crackling of the fire could drown out the sound of her thoughts. Where the warmth could make her feel something other than empty.

Now. Feyre’s voice rang warmly in Blair’s head, echoing outside of the thick walls of forest she’d been taught to put up. Spruce and oak, winding paths lined with red poppy’s and orange geraniums, fogged over meadows to traipse through at will. A maze for anyone else, with no beginning and no end.

The rest of them had gone in a half hour ago it seemed, Blair to be used if they needed to pull a distraction or anything. She would be introduced no matter what, but timing was to be used as an advantage.

The towering doors to the throne room boomed open as Blair turned the corner to the hallway, the curls in her hair bouncing with every step despite the light wind billowing through her flowing sleeves as if she were gliding.

The music continued as she kept her head high and entered the space, hands folded neatly in front of her. A small upward twitch of her pretty red lips, her face calm and still.

Still as the room became when her feet hit the marble across that threshold.

She walked, one foot in front of the other. Head in a full fog before she even entered the throne room— but there was a tug. Something that had almost made her stumble, but she sucked in a tight breath as she focused on the dais ahead.

Pulling, tugging, a line going taut the closer she became and her vision cleared. Someone that had been in deep discussion before Blair entered, someone now turned to face her as everyone else did.

All but the Court of Dreamers gaping at her, at her beauty. So much different than her obvious sisters, a third sister to the High Lady of the Night Court, but so much the same that it was easily distinguishable. Gasps and whispers filling Blair’s now clear ears, but she didn’t look anywhere but the male in front of Rhys and Feyre— as much as she wanted to. As much as she pleaded with herself to look away, she could not.

The bright auburn hair, the pale and freckled skin of his handsome face. All fae were gorgeous, she’d been told and equally come to learn but… just the very look of him made her skin heat.

A look of something similar washed through his amber eyes, the matching amber to the flecks in her own, his throat bobbing.

Something like devastation went through this male and though Blair couldn’t tear her eyes from his as she finally made those last steps to the dais, she could see Rhys’ mask slip ever so slightly from the corner of her eye before it went back up.

There was a part of her, so enamored by whoever this person was— and something about him made her slip back into consciousness. That outside look at herself faded back into her own body and she didn’t realize until she breathed again that her heart had been beating so rapidly.

Or that she hadn’t addressed her High Lord and Lady.

Or that they’d demanded the crowd go back to dancing and drinking and eating.

Or that all she did was face this male, a look of shocked confusion painting her usually dull expression because somehow, someway, she felt like she knew him.

And that the tug she felt, that line, went utterly taut before him.

🏷️: @thehighladywrites and anyone else that wants to be added to a tag list for this or anything else lmk lmfao

[softxsuki]

TW // mentions of suicide attempt

hi, hope your having a good day. im not sure if you write/accept requests that relate to topics of suicide so please tell me if you dont.

days have been getting rly difficult lately, ive been really tired all the time but at night i stay awake, not being able to battle the voices in my head. ive been experiencing this ever since i was a child but my symptoms have always been ignored.

i had attempted with pills. but i woke up the next day, and just continued on with my life without anyone ever noticing.

ik this is gonna sound stupid but kuroo, is my comfort character. i read comfort fics of him instead of actually opening up to someone because when i do i dont need to fear being neglected or juged and etc.

may i please request something where kuroo finds reader’s empty pill bottle and he confronts reader about his suspicion of it. and it leads to reader opening up abt their attenpt, ends with comfort.

so so sorry i have to bother you with this kinda thing, ofcourse if you dont take these kinda requests i will understand completely.

Kuroo Confronts Reader After Their TW//Suicide Attempt

Pairing: Kuroo x Gn!Reader

Warnings: TW//Mentions of suicide attempt, specifically drinking loads of pills (pls do not read if this will harm you more than help you), crying, depressing conversations

Genre: Angst-ish, Comfort

Post-Type: Oneshot

Word Count: 1k

Summary: In which Kuroo finds your empty bottle of pills that you had taken the previous night in hopes that it would end your life, and confronts you about it. You open up to him about your attempt and he comforts you.

[A/N: Hello anon <3. Thank you for bringing this request to me. Though it isn't labeled as urgent, I marked it as urgent myself so I could get this to you asap. I don't think it's stupid that Kuroo is your comfort character. I know it can be hard to take your problems to people, so I'm glad you found an outlet that allows you to feel some form of comfort, even if it is reading fanfic like this with Kuroo. I have my own comfort characters that I like to read about <3 Ik it helps a lot when you have no other place to go for comfort. You definitely aren't bothering me with this type of request, I was more than happy to be able to write it for you. It can be read as either platonic or romantic since I wasn't sure which you preferred :). I hope this is able to bring you at least a little comfort and I'm glad you're still here <3 ily]

“What’s this?” you hear Kuroo ask from across your room as you sit on your bed, reading something on your phone mindlessly.

Kuroo had stopped by to spend some time with you for a few hours and was snooping around your room, unable to just sit still and read with you.

“What’s what?” you ask, directing your eyes to him to see him holding a bottle of pills.

Your empty bottle of pills.

Scenes of the previous night played through your head like a movie; the tears, the aggravation of not knowing what to do with your emotions, drinking all those pills, trying to take your own life. You scramble to your feet, your phone now abandoned on your bed and you snatch the bottle from his hands, throwing it back in the trash where it should have been.

He arches his brow in question, suspicious of your sudden actions.

“Nothing, just some pills that I ran out of,” you stumble over your words, feeling your palms begin to sweat from nerves.

What if he finds out?

Your thoughts were racing with “what if’s” and a multitude of excuses you could possibly use to get you out of this unthinkably awkward situation.

“I didn’t know you took pills. Why are you so nervous?”

“Well, I do. And I’m not,” you lie, wanting to slap yourself in the face for not being able to lie properly.

“Y/N…” he starts but you stop him before he can say anything more.

“Please Kuroo, just drop it,” your voice wavers as you try to hold your tears back, not wanting to look even weaker in front of him.

He looks from you to the garbage where the empty bottle of pills now laid, seeming to have put the pieces together himself.

“Why?” is all he asks, his own voice wavering slightly, crushing your heart.

He knows. He knows what you did.

You choke a sob down as you look up into his own watery eyes. The last thing you wanted to do was ever hurt him, and that’s exactly what you just did.

“I’m sorry,” you choke out, the tears beginning to fall on their own despite your attempts at holding them back, “I just- I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t stop the negative thoughts from leaving my head. I thought it was the only way to finally feel at peace with myself–to silence all the noise in my head…”

“No no,” he rushes to your side, seeing your tears falling down your face, “You don’t need to feel guilty or sorry for my sake Y/N. Really. I’m just glad you’re here in front of me now, alive and breathing.”

He finally brings you into his embrace, hiding his face in the crook of your neck as you feel drops of water drip onto your skin. He was crying, but didn’t want you to see him.

“You drank however many pills were in that bottle and you’re still here. I don’t know who was out there looking out for you, but I can’t thank them enough for not taking you away. I don’t know what I’d do if I wasn’t able to see you today, or ever again Y/N.”

He squeezes you tighter in his arms, almost afraid that if he let you go, you’d disappear from his life forever. You squeeze him tightly as well, relieved that he wasn’t disgusted by your actions and was still around, showing you how much he cared for you; how much he cherished the role you played in his life. For the first time since attempting to take your life, you felt relieved that it didn't work out the way you had planned; you were relieved that you in fact did wake up that morning so you could see Kuroo again. Grateful that you could have a second chance at life.

“I’m sorry,” you say again.

It’s all you could say at the moment, still clinging onto him as he also refused to let you go.

“I said you don’t need to apologize Y/N. I can’t even begin to imagine what must have been going through your mind that night that you felt like you had no other choice but to take your own life. I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you when you needed someone the most.”

“It’s not your fault, Kuroo. It was my own problem that I unfortunately didn’t know how to deal with on my own.”

“Well, it’s our problem now,” he reassures you, finally stepping back and grabbing your hands in his own, “I promise I’ll help you through whatever complicated, overwhelming feelings you’re going through. I’ll do anything to ensure I get to see you everyday.”

“Thank you.”

And you really were thankful. Standing in your room, Kuroo held your hands in front of him, almost needing to touch you as reassurance that you were in fact actually there with him.

“Thank you,” you say again, overwhelmed that he was willing to help you through the feelings that you had been going through for so long, unwilling to share with anyone else, “For sticking with me even after hearing what I did. Thank you for not leaving me and judging me.”

“Of course. I’d never judge you or leave you, Y/N. Next time you feel like that, I don't care what time of the day it is, call me and I’ll come right over. You don’t have to deal with this on your own anymore. We will find a solution so that one day you don’t have to feel this way anymore.”

He pats your head and gives you a soft smile, “You’re gonna be okay.”

“Mmm, I hope so,” you give him your best smile in return, feeling a little lighter now that he knew what had gone down a few nights ago.

You knew one day in the future, you’d be able to go through a whole day feeling good instead of fighting through difficulties every waking moment of your life. So long a Kuroo was by your side helping you, you knew you would be okay.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 12/21/2021

[normal-thoughts-official]

i just wanted to say thank u for your blog, for the effort and time u put into it, its rly helped me. ive been struggling w depression for a couple years n when i think its gonna b a sad night/potentially self harm i distract myself, used to b w tv but lately its been ur blog. not rly a nice reason to b stalking u but it helps me so much, discussion of a bi character with a happy ending? outgrowing homophobic family? your detailed analyses n even just thoughts help me so much and im so grateful

oh, wow. thank you so much for sending me this ask. honestly i never thought this blog would really matter to anyone but me (Ive had it for many years dudndj) and its kinda always been me screaming into the void, but im really grateful to all of you guys, too. i really like our talks, and it also helps to know that i'm- valued, you know? that people actually care about my dumb jokes and ridiculously specific meta and just opinions in general. i never expected this, much less that it could have such a profound impact on someone, so- thank you all, truly, for valuing me

i hope things get better for you. they have been getting better for me these past few years - thats kinda the only reason why i manage to write and do so much research and answer so many asks, i have the energy to now. also probably why i can see happy endings and dark angst that gets resolved, i guess

anyway what I'm trying to say is that, with therapy and my support network, things have been getting better. especially with depression. not to overshare but i spent almost all of 2017 in bed, just- in a terrible depressive slump. now im writing, and im reading, and watching stuff, and creating, and studying languages, and getting a major that i love, and- well, was seeing my friends before the pandemic hit

and what im trying to say with all of that is, it gets better, okay? it's a bitch of a lot of work to power through every day and make yourself healthy again, and rethink who you are every day, and unlearn so many things, but it's possible, and just the fact that you're looking for things to make you feel better and distract yourself instead of letting yourself spiral is already a victory. you know? you're doing great, and even when you aren't, that's okay and you're doing important work and progress regardless

I'll be rooting for you, anon