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thejakeformerlyknownasprince · 4 years ago

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Re: Star Wars prequel novelizations - the Revenge of the Sith book is genuinely one of the best things I have ever read and changed my life.

THANK YOU, anon, for reminding me about the Revenge of the Sith novelization. I just reread it, and my crops are watered, my skin is clear, and — I cannot overstate this — I actually remember why I love Star Wars. That love has been for too long stolen by The Fandom Menace sucking the life out of those movies to invent a new definition of suffering while digesting them slowly over a thousand years.

Revenge of the Sith by Matthew Stover is one of the greatest works of adventure fiction I have ever read, and it continues to inspire the way I write action sequences and character conflicts. It does so damn much to transform a movie that is, to be honest, just okay. There are a couple of big additions from the novel that make the whole Skywalker saga richer, and there are about five hundred little tweaks that deepen the lore in a way that shows that Stover loves Star Wars to the core.

First big addition: having Obi-Wan tell Padmé that he’s in love with Anakin. This is great because yay, queer representation! But within the specific context of RotS, it also sets up the super-important contrast between Obi-Wan and Anakin. Obi-Wan, Stover’s novel makes clear, is the quiet and unassuming embodiment of everything a Jedi is supposed to be: he’s selfless, loving, hard-working, and incredibly skilled with the Force. Obi-Wan falls in love with Anakin, realizes that Anakin doesn’t love him back in that way, and... lives with it. He spends time with Anakin, supports Anakin, enjoys Anakin’s company, and doesn’t act like the world will end if Anakin isn’t his.

Anakin loves Obi-Wan, in a siblinglike way, and he loves Padmé. But he’s got a nasty habit of expressing that love through possession and control, through going behind Padmé’s back to “fix” her life without her permission. Anakin falls in love with Padmé and immediately concludes that he cannot possibly live like this: they must begin a secret relationship, and he must both marry her and remain a Jedi. Later he destroys the Jedi and eventually Padmé herself because he sees himself as having no way out of that dilemma.

And all the while, Obi-Wan is there in the background. Also in love with someone with whom he cannot have a relationship, and just… dealing with it like an adult. Because millions of people are in love with people who don’t love them back, and that’s just how it is sometimes. It’s selfish to obsess over “having” their love at all costs. For Anakin, that obsession with saving Obi-Wan and Padmé eventually leads to him killing them both.

When Yoda tells Anakin that he must deal with his fear of losing Padmé through letting go, Anakin takes this to mean “let her die.” But what Yoda means is not “let her die,” but rather “love her the way Obi-Wan loves you: quietly, selflessly, and with a willingness to do what’s best for her, whether or not that means you get to have her.” And Anakin never understands that, because Anakin’s view of the world is so intensely egocentric.

Second big addition: updating the Force to explain the Dark Side. Revenge of the Sith, even more so than any other Star Wars, is all about the contrast between the Dark Side and the Light Side. Here, Stover’s contribution is brilliant; he makes the Dark Side egocentric and the Light allocentric.

Terminology! “Egocentric” in psych refers to the perspective that focuses on how the world affects you and how you affect the world. At the extreme, egocentric thinking can be believing that a baby is crying in a deliberate effort to annoy you, or that every person in a crowded cafeteria will remember what shirt you wore when you ate there a week ago. “Allocentric” refers to the perspective that the self is one of several disparate elements buffered around by the world. At the extreme, allocentric thinking can be failing to realize that others are reacting to your presence, or viewing your own life as one thing you can give to help others.

Stover doesn’t use those terms, but he does describe how Dooku “drew power into his innermost being until the Force itself existed only to serve his will” (p. 64). Later, Obi-Wan “gave himself to the living Force… the Force moved him, let him collapse as though he’d suddenly fainted, then it brought his lightsaber from his belt to his hand” (p. 285). Dooku ultimately loses his fight against Anakin because he focuses on how everyone is responding to him, and misses that Anakin and Palpatine are beginning to build an alternate alliance right under his nose. Obi-Wan ultimately wins his fight against Anakin because he allows the Force to shove him around, and sets aside his concern with both his own life and that of his best friend while fighting for the greater goal of peace.

Not only that, but Obi-Wan’s understanding of the Force moves beyond that of most Jedi. He compares “the will of the Force” to “the will of gravity,” in essence stating that simply because it is beyond human comprehension doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its own rules. One can be a Jedi without needing to understand the Force in the same way one can be a pilot without needing to be a physicist. In RotS, we see that his refrain of “search your feelings” is a way of calling on a Force user to be mindful enough to accept realities that are already evident, if one can only allow oneself to have that knowledge.

Stover also uses these competing perspectives — allocentric and egocentric — to explain why the Jedi Order falls. The tight control the Order exerts over the Jedi moves them away from the will of the Force and toward the will of the Council. Its insularity creates a sense of superiority, which is the reason so many Jedi fail to see their clone troopers as threats until it’s too late. Stover tweaks the Jedi Purge scene to emphasize that the only reason Obi-Wan and Yoda survive is because of their selflessness. Obi-Wan takes the time to befriend his alien mount, repeatedly confirming her well-being, and then she shields him with her body when his troopers open fire. Yoda respects the Wookie command and puts himself in a position to assist rather than lead the resistance movement on Kashyyyk, meaning that when a fight breaks out between him and his troopers the Wookies don’t hesitate to side with him. Yoda and Obi-Wan are the only two Jedi who truly give themselves to the service of others, and thus they are the only two to survive the Purge.

...and the million little favors this book does for the movie.

During the opening battle, having Obi-Wan tell Anakin to “use the Force” to fly a narrow trench and having Anakin roll his eyes at such an obvious suggestion. It’s a callback to A New Hope, but one that drives home how much more the Force is integrated in the lives of Old Republic Jedi than it is in the lives of Imperial kids like Luke.

Fixing the minor continuity error from Episode III to Episode IV — why would Admiral Motti dismiss Vader as following outdated superstitions if there were millions of Jedi within his lifetime? — by explicitly stating that the Sith are considered a dead culture. Ergo, Vader’s “ancient religion” isn’t the Force in general; it’s specifically the Sith creed.

Making Palpatine scarier and more seductive than he is in the movie. Stover’s rhetoric about killing even the Jedi children is frighteningly rational and coherent, and he uses it to give Palpatine some stomach-churning speeches while corrupting Anakin.

Using the novel format for all it’s worth. Stover skims over the physical-comedy elevator sequence in favor of having Dooku and Palpatine discussing their plans for the war. He only tells us about Anakin’s conversation with Yoda after the fact, in scattered flashes as a panicking Anakin runs through the halls of the Jedi temple. He gives us intense focus on Anakin’s mindset while trying to land the broken halves of Invisible Hand, less on what the ship itself is doing. He cuts away from Anakin and Obi-Wan’s final battle, toward R2D2 and C3PO as they struggle to drag a dying Padmé into her ship out of a desperation to find some small way to help her.

Revealing that Palpatine spends the entire story trying to kill Obi-Wan. This gets hinted at in the movie, but Stover includes several moments throughout Palpatine’s “rescue” from Dooku when Palpatine sets Obi-Wan up to die, and mentions like eight other attempts on Obi-Wan’s life as orchestrated by Palpatine. It’s a great character addition, that Palpatine assumes he cannot get Anakin to fall unless he first eliminates Obi-Wan.

Expanding Padmé’s role in the movie (set dressing, and later refrigerator filling) by having her secretly organize and launch the Rebel Alliance right under Vader and Palpatine’s noses.

Those are just examples of how Stover clearly knows the Force, gets the Force, and strives to make the Force more internally coherent. How he sometimes translates, sometimes preserves, and always improves the pacing and tone of the film.

I haven’t even touched on the FUCKING AMAZEBALLS imagery or introspection in the book yet, but this post is getting wicked long, so I’ll go ahead and leave it here for now. Point is, all y’all should go out immediately and get a copy from your library and/or used bookstore, because Nonny is right and it’ll change your life.

#star wars #revenge of the sith #star wars episode iii #matthew stover #revenge of the sith novelization #book review #long post #nothing to do with animorphs #the force #star wars episode iii: revenge of the sith #anonymous #asks

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emmi-kat · 4 years ago

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SPG Kazooland Master Post

Kazooland is the alternate dimension in the Steam Powered Giraffe Universe. This post contains various facts and tidbits mentioned by David and Bunny Bennett about it on tumblr and the official SPG websites over the years. Please feel free to share more information in the reblogs!

Kazooland was named for the mentor of David Bennett, Bunny Bennett, Jon Sprague, Erin Burke, and Bryan Barbarin, Mr.Jerry Hager's mime persona: Kazoo the Mime

By 1897, Peter Walter had unlocked the power of Blue Matter and subsequently, created an alternate reality he dubbed Kazooland.

Excerpt from The Story of the Cavalcadium

The Cavalcadium tried to make a permanent portal to Kazooland in their building, based on Peter Walter I’s studies.

The Cavalcadium was wiped from existence in an instant, and it took Peter a few months to realize it had simply vanished. Time and space itself left a void to forget it ever was.

The Cavalcadium building now exists in the seams of Kazooland, and acts as a hub to many other parts of the dimension. A few doorways even exist on Earth.

Current link to the map of Kazooland: https://www.thecavalcadium.com/Kazooland.html

Information available about Kazooland as late as 2014

Asininia* The dark kingdom of Ignatius Becile. Long having taken refuge from Earth, the black-handed Becile has built a giant city which is depleting Asininia of its natural resources and precious rock candy veins. His aim is creating an unstoppable army of candy-powered automatons to consume the universe.

*name is derived from “asinine”

The 8th Dimension of Absolute and Infinite Terror The only persistent door to the terrible 8th dimension. Its history is unclear but it is indeed locked and guarded by Jumbo, The Pink Whale With A Top Hat.* The 8th dimension is notorious for being the place of fermenting nightmares and evil Lovecraftian Beasts.

*Jumbo can be found in the album The Vice Quadrant, guarding Commander Cosmo and The Necrostar

Horroria

A jagged mountain range of ash and death, which is primarily a refuge for monsters. A couple of human settlements exist, but the majority of inhabitants of the continent are Vampires, Werewolves, Demons, Zombies, Witches, Cultists, Poltergeists, Man-Eating Hamburgers, and Hamburger-Eating Men.

Hypexion V

A presumed alien homeworld of the Hypexions; thin bipedal humanoids with a sweet tooth.

Ironically Foreboding Shaped Islands

The Chaos Sea marks these bodies of land as a legend, but time travelers and fortunate explorers speak of adventurous sailors, pirates, and buried treasure. It is believed the famous Captain Albert Alexander was the first to have sailed the Chaos Sea, yet only stories remain.

Lola

The Hypexion Moon infested with the diabolical Moon Worms. The Moon Worm Queen is held responsible for eating a chunk of Hypexion V before she was destroyed, but a newly born Moon Worm Queen is the talk among the stars. The talking stars of course.

Lotsasand

An ancient dust land belonging to the ancestors of the Kingdom of Set. Though primarily a land for the outsourcing of dust and camels, the age old tales of Jackal Men, Living Mummies, and Scarab People still invoke questions of mysticism in even the most skeptical of skeptics.

Meh

An icy northern land of Snow Queens and Mystical Creatures. Many a wise pipe smoking old bearded man tell stories about this enchanted place, but few are listened to.

Merveille

Merveille is the remains of the once ��great Circus Empire, which exploded eons ago and left a watercolored land of saturated imagination. The inhabitants are mostly the Speechless Ones, also known as Mimes. It is often described as a tangible dream, and artists from all over the multiverse have tapped into its presence for inspiration and escape.

Cities: Bip

The capital of Merveille was named after its founder, and is a favorite spot for vacation for Peter Walter VI. It was also in Bip that the Great War of 1823 was ended by a mysterious mime with a magical kazoo.

New Pieland

Once a paradise of wilderness, pilgrims from Old Pieland settled here declaring it New Pieland after their former continent was completely devoured since it actually lived up to its namesake. It was quite literally a giant land mass of flaky crust with a warm gooey appley interior.

New Pieland is home to many American immigrants and many other multiverse settlers. Humans, Robots, Clowns, Cat People, and Vleeds are just a few of the races you'll find in the melting pot which is New Pieland.

Cities: Biscuit Town

Biscuit Town is a famous small mining town in the eastern part of New Pieland. It is home primarily to clowns, wizards, and talking animals. Biscuit Town has been run by Walter Robot The Jon until recently, and was the first town in New Pieland to elect a robot for Mayor. Currently, in the Jon's absence the Mayor's Assistant Boft is struggling with the encroaching rogue nation of Asininia, a resource-hungry super kingdom of mad scientists and candy-powered androids. Preferbia This large sprawling landscape of suburbia is a metropolis of 1950's ideals, where the beautiful residents are protected from the ravages of time by a blue matter rich force field over the city. Created by a visionary man from Earth after slipping through an interdimensional rift, Howard Lloyd saw the potential of the unstable rift and created what some have called the 1950s utopia of mankind. Those who enter the city rarely decide to leave the prospect of eternal youth, but some do choose to escape Preferbia's roving gangs of fish mutants and frequent attacks by the Hypexion Moon Worms.

Snornia

Snornia is the last remaining haven for mystical beings. It is cut off from the rest of the world by a vengeful Dragon God, but those who have seen it speak of a fantastical world of magic and danger, with princesses in towers, dexterous elves making shoes, and six winged warlocks. Humans who find ways to enter usually do so to train to become wizards or dragons, but many are eaten by the Dragon God, and even more give up and sail to Party Island.

South Adventurica

A largely unexplored tangle of constantly transforming jungles, swamps, and plains unbound by any mappable record of time. Adventurers have sought to unlock the continent's mysteries for years, and its surprises still continue to surprise avid surprise seekers. Dinosaurs, giant insects, carnivorous plants, elementals, Forgotten Gods, Bobby Darin, and Santa Claus are all said to live here, but the only proof of their existence are the ravaged journals from explorers of the past...

And that captured dinosaur amusement park off the coast.

Verk

A rainy settlement of time travelers from the 1890s. It is separated from the world by an ethereal mist of aether called "Henry's Breath," long believed to be generated by the fat ghost of England's Henry the 8th. Most settlers began traversing the aether via multidimensional travel from when Colonel P. A. Walter I discovered Blue Matter in 1896, but all matter of being from the multiverse seems to have leaked through to embrace knowledge, Victorian style, and to tinker with steampunk abominations.

Cities: Dandyton

The Capital of Verk is a bustling city of inventors, scientists, airship pilots, alchemists, airship pilots, ghosts, and airship pilots. It is home to the Verk Dandy Candy Factory, many airships, and the Verkian Rift, a dimensional hub to countless other realities.

The (old) Cavalcadium landing page including links to Worlds (Earth, Kazooland, and the 8th Dimension), Characters, and Species

Characters include (but are not limited to): Beebop, Bip, Boft, Brown Suits, Buster Becile, Captain Albert Alexander, Delilah, Doc Laborday, G. G., Guy Hottie, Hatchworth,The Highwayman, I. M. Becile, Kazoo, Lily Brennan, Lorene Keaton, Norman Becile, Peter Walter I, Peter Walter II, Peter Walter III, Peter Walter IV, Peter Walter V, Peter Walter VI, Rabbit, Rex Marksley, The Jon, The Spine, The Suspender Man, Uncle Ralphie, Upgrade, and Wanda Becile

Species include (but are not limited to): Robots, Samurai, Scarab People, Seafarers, Steampunks, Talking Animals, Trolls, Vampires, Vleeds, Warlocks, Werewolfs, Witchs, Wizards, and Zombies

The Temecula Rift

Prior to the 2013 Walter Robotics Expo, an accident occurred while 26 y/o Peter Walter VI accidentally sealed a Blue Matter Rift that he was trying to open for high speed inter-dimensional travel between Earth and Kazooland. The result was an explosion that singularly hit Peter Walter VI in his face. He now wears an iconic keyhole mask to hide whatever the results of the explosion may have been.

Links:

https://pawaltervi.tumblr.com/post/49702485000/regarding-the-temecula-rift

https://pawaltervi.tumblr.com/post/51763873084/walter-robotics-owner-peter-walter-vi-hospitalized

https://pawaltervi.tumblr.com/post/52636220497/a-message-from-peter-walter-vi

Audio posts of Isabella Bennett discussing Kazooland Canon circa 2015:

Kazooland Canon 1/3

Kazooland Canon 2/3

Kazooland Canon 3/3

Rabbit’s white faceplates are made from a porcelain-like material from Kazooland called Impossium

#spg #spgiraffe #steam powered giraffe #kazooland #lore masterpost #lore

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phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust · 3 years ago

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I would agree with the other person who said that j+p had a thing going on but Paul was more detached from it than John was. In my own analysis (all for fun of course) I would think that that’s how it went but Paul had more internalized homophobia than John did and wanted to detach himself as a way of protecting soemthing about himself. John didn’t have those hang ups and got annoyed/hurt by Paul because of it. A lot of Paul’s songs that could be about/to John all sound steeped in regret and longing because he regretted how he handled things and because he was too late to fix it.

This is just me and it’s all for fun but what do you think?

Id probably agree that John was more comfortable with his sexuality in later life then Paul was (assuming Paul is bi, and I think its important to note that im only referring to him as bi here hypothetically and only for speculative purposes; its okay to speculate, but also he identifies as straight and I think it is always crucial that we respect that <3) (<<< not having a go at anyone there btw, just wanted to make a quick note of it y'know).

Johns a bit of dilemma, because it seems he was simultaneously secure in his position as an outsider and a misfit, but also deeply, deeply insecure of it. I think there was always a form of alienation underpinning John throughout his entire lifetime (but maybe thats just projection lol). Whereas Paul I feel like didn't experience the same sort of alienation John did - im sure Paul felt a bit unique and stuff y'know, and im not saying he has no insecurities, but with Paul (presumably) being a much more stable, headstrong and confident person (because he appears to have had a more loving and stable upbringing) I think he's always sort of known he can fit in with people; always been a bit more of an extrovert maybe (?).

I think possibly another thing to note is that Paul did come from a more working-class background then John, and so I think that that is largely why he has always had this compulsion to maintain some of that 'average bloke' spirit in him - which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing; like I think its great that Paul tried to ensure his kids didnt grow up spoilt and materialistic etc. But I guess having that security of always having been a relatively normal person, as well as having this desire to remain a bit of an ‘average joe’ (again, obviously Paul is very special, but I just mean normal in the sense that he's appears to have always been friendly and likeable and able to relate to other people etc.) maybe makes coming to terms with any homosexual urges more difficult. Paul appears to be comfortable with his sexuality (eg. When Howard Stern asked him something like "have you had any gay experiences?", Paul didn't react all, "ewwwww no!!!!" instead he just reacts like a regular fuckin' human being, saying something like, "I haven't actually, no"). But I suppose my point might be more about if Paul does have internalised homophobia, it might not be to the extent that he feels he has to portray himself as this hyper-masculine caricature or anything, but more so that he wouldn't have the confidence to step so far out of the social norms as to enter a gay relationship. Like I think Paul kind of likes having this balance between being a very unique individual, but also being a very normal, average bloke y'know.

John on the other hand, I get the sense he was sort of more okay with his sexuality because he already understood that he doesn't fit in. Like I think at some point he realised there is this alienation that is just never gonna leave him, so he might as well sort of embrace those eccentricities rather then fight them (but that doesn’t mean I think he became a confident person or anything; people can embrace their eccentric nature outwardly but still have a deep self-loathing within them).

And so if they did have a casual fling and John wanted more, it does feel like it would make sense for Paul to want to keep it casual. He's okay with his sexuality to the extent that he doesn't overreact if someone questions it, he's supportive of gay people and he's not even concerned about platonically kissing another man (see the video of him giving Elton John a friendly kiss) - and I think, whether he's straight or bi, its great that he's comfortable with all of this - but if he had had a further gay experience with John, I think he wouldn't have taken it into a full-fledged relationship, because I think he wanted a wife and kids, because he does enjoy conventionality to a large extent. Whereas John I think wasn't really looking for a wife and kids and stuff (I mean he already had Cyn and Jules, and it doesn't seem like he was that interested in living a particularly domestic lifestyle y'know).

PS what songs are you thinking about with the last part? Ive got a few ideas of the type I think you're on about, but it might make it easier for me to address and analyse them directly <3

#mclennon #thanks for the ask!#discussion #opinion

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sukirichi · 4 years ago

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hello so please help a girl out if you can. this goes out to other characters i fell for but i’m gonna say gojo satoru for now. ive been sad lately because of other people shipping him with other characters. i cant help but feel jealous but am i the only one who feels this way? i really don’t want to be bothered by it so if you OR if anyone reading this feels the same way, what do y’all do to not let it bother you😩😩 genuine question

hi baby 🥺🥺 aww well for me tbh im not a very jealous person and i have never jealous that much in my life before,,,maybe its bcos deep down im confident with the solidness of my relationships but in terms of 2d men, i suppose that IS different. hmmm i dont think youre the only one that feels that way! I know for sure a lot of people hate kuon for being a simp for sniper mask (and i mean, can we blame her, sniper mask SEXY) and OKAY ngl i feel a lil jelly every time utahime and gojo gets shipped but not so much, its mostly just because i see them as chaotic siblings and i dont understand the ship. and to answer your question, in order to not let it bother me, i just remind myself that people are free to ship whoever they want. like me for example, i personally am not such a big fan of canon eremika, but i wont go around hating on their shippers or the actual ship itself. Ofc its important to keep in line our emotions with what we say and make sure we're not disrespecting other ships just because we dont feel the same way :P its perfectly fine and normal to be jealous when your fave is shipped with another character, dw! my advice to not be bothered by it is to just delve deep into your imaginations and imagine yourself with your fav if that would make you feel better! Anything is possible with your imagination after all 💕💕💕 im so sorry if this doesnt help, im not a jealous person at all even tho im a scorpio and jealousy is quite an alien emotion to me so i wasnt really sure what to say 🥺 if anyone has thoughts regarding this, im sure the anon would like to hear your take on it!

#asks with naoya's trophy wife #IF NAOYA IS SHIPPED WITH ANOTHER PERSON THO #HAHAHAHH I WONT GET JEALOUS #imma just crie #JK JK JK

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pale-cheezit · 3 years ago

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Can you answer every 5th question from your 216-question ask post? Thanks!

Girl you're killin me lol. I'm bored though so thanks for giving me something to do!! I know I'm really late posting this but oh well. Thanks for the ask :)

5) Book/series I reread?

My favorite author is Tana French and I've reread her books a few times. I've reread the book "The Shack" by William P. Young a few times as well. I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting right now.

10) The word that I use all the time to describe something great?

Probably fuck. As in, "that's fucking great" or "this is fucking awesome" or something like that lol

15) Last song I listened to?

Some new Five Finger Death Punch song that was on the radio

20) Favorite video games?

Probably New Super Mario Bros

25) Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they’re in?

Ooof... I can't think of any off the top of my head. I have some actors that I like that make me go "oh theyre in this movie, it might be good" but I don't think I ever really watch anything just because of a certain actor.

30) Eye color?

Blueish/greenish. Changes colors sometimes depending on what I'm wearing.

35) Am I excited about anything?

Not really.

40) What do I think about most?

I swing wildly between thinking about insignificant nonsense and everything I'm worried/anxious about (my very uncertain future and what to do with myself and mental health shit I'm going through) and I think about my loved ones a lot too!

45) Last film I watched?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame lol

50) How do I destress?

I'm pretty good at pushing things out of my mind when I want to or need to (a blessing and a curse) Also smoke weed. Idk, feels like I'm always stressed about something in the back of my mind.

55) Play any sports?

I don't anymore but I played volleyball for almost 10 years of my life. Good times. I miss those days.

60) Pet peeve?

People that put masks on their kids.

65) What fictional universe would I like to be a part of?

Friskies world from the cat food commercial of course

70) Can I sing?

I think I can sing ok. I'm not amazing but also not horrible.

75) Where do I want to live?

Away from people and traffic!!! I hate how close together the houses are in the suburbs. But I don't want to be so far in the middle of nowhere that I have to drive hours to get groceries. Idk, maybe I wouldn't mind that after awhile, I'd probably get used to it. I just want my own land and to be able to walk out the back door and have my own personal shooting range on my property.

80) Can I drive?

Yeah. Can't drive stick though. I should learn.

85) Favorite genre of music?

Rock

90) Favorite sporty activity?

Uhhh like walking or hiking I guess. Baseball definitely.

95) How tall am I?

5'7"

100) Do I have more girl friends or boy friends?

I have NO friends lol

105) Last person I texted?

My mom

110) Do I like selfies?

Eh sort of. If I'm feeling good about myself, I might take a few but that's rare for me these days. I like to take pictures of much more interesting things instead! Selfies are boring!

115) Favorite number?

8 I guess

120) Am I much of a daredevil?

Depends on the situation and the mood I'm in. I can be. We all got a little daredevil in us if we drink enough lol

125) The Beatles or Elvis?

Elvis

130) Favorite piece of advice?

Hmm....Anything Jordan Peterson says is usually great advice lol. But I guess simple things like be yourself, enjoy the small things in life, never miss a good chance to shut up, others can inspire and support you- but only you can save yourself, assume you know nothing, listen to your elders cause they know a thing or two about life (SOMETIMES)

135) Do I like gossip?

Eh not really. It depends. I know I'm guilty of it because that's all women be doin but you can definitely cross a line with that stuff and some people have issues with that and that shit can be annoying. it's definitely something I try not to do too much because I wouldn't want others to gossip about me behind my back

140) Do I believe people are capable of change?

I'd like to think so. I mean, I think its not ALWAYS the case. There's definitely people that wont or cant change but there's also plenty of people that are willing to put in the work and have changed themselves and their lives.

145) In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family?

Bitch nobody could play me or my family better than me or my family

150) What is the best decision I have made in life so far?

I honestly don't know. I thought of a few different things and realized none of them were really decisions I 100% made for myself /: I've had a life so far that's been filled with other people making decisions for me. Kind of one of my problems I gotta work on. I guess I would say choosing to finally leave the shitty relationship I was in but he kind of left me in the end so it wasn't completely my decision. There's probably a bunch of small decisions I've made in the past that turned out great for me that I'm just forgetting right now.

155) Who is the most intelligent person I know?

I used to think my brother was because he was a genius child but then I grew up and realized there's a lot of different ways to be intelligent. I was gonna say Jordan Peterson but I dont actually know him lol. It's a hard question for me because I truly believe people are intelligent in so many different ways and Ive met many people that are smart in some ways but dumb in others. I guess my Dad would make the list if I had to pick someone.

160) What color mostly dominates my wardrobe?

BLUE

165) Do I believe in fate?

I think so. I think we can change our fate though too.

170) One of my favorite quotes?

"those who would give up essential liberty, to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."- Ben Franklin

"unable are the loved to die, for love is immortality"- Emily Dickinson

I have a TON of favorite quotes, I could take up pages lol. Those are just the ones I thought of off the top of my head.

175) Do I dream?

Yes, every single time I sleep. Even when I take a nap. I'm always dreaming.

180) Do I like shopping?

It depends on my mood and what I'm shopping for. Sometimes I'm in the mood to shop and I have fun with it but other times I'm not feeling it at all. I don't like spending money, it makes me feel guilty.

185) If I could master one skill, what would I choose?

Probably being an excellent shot. As skilled as Annie Oakley- if that's even possible haha

190) If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go?

60s or 70s. Maybe the 20s.

195) Would I ever want to encounter aliens?

Fuck no. Definitely wouldnt be like some sci-fi movie. It'd be fucking terrifying.

200) Dragons or wizards?

Neither. Never been into either of those things. I also never got what the big deal about dragons is

205) Do I like my handwriting?

Yeah I suppose. Its very inconsistent. It goes from messy to neat to somewhere in between all in one page. Just like me lol

210) What is on my bucket list?

Travel. See the world. I dont have anything super specific but I definitely wish I could see all this world has to offer.

215) What is the weirdest talent I have?

I have no idea. I have no talent that I can think of. I'm sure there's gotta be something but I have no clue right now.

#me #asks #questions #about me

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clumsyclifford · 4 years ago

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hi my love i’m hope not too late but i would like you to tell me about my loves jewish cake, anything you want to but specifically baker calum 🥰 thank you i love you

of course you aren’t too late!!! ESPECIALLY to talk about jewish cake oh my goodness meg i shall die for you i love you. alright let’s see what i can dig up

ha’ahava hazot shelanu + it’s so simple

a cut, per usual

so let’s start WITH:

ha’ahava hazot shelanu

jewish cake was a labor of love for myself. little known fact about me is that i am in fact jewish! :) and around christmas time i always get a little prickly about the surplus of christmas spirit and in this case the amount of fic for it. and i’d sort of had this hesitant idea to write a jewish fic in the back of my mind for a long time, but it felt like a really big divergence from the Cast of Characters that was for some reason a lot more dramatic than any other circumstances into which i could place them, so i’d basically been hesitating for several months. in november we had a brief conversation about it in the club which looked like this

but the idea still made me a little nervous and so i kind of talked myself out of writing it, as always. and THEN, middle of december, iba sent me this 1d fic out of nowhere with this accompanying message:

and i kinda lowkey almost cried!! it was such a jewish fic. i read the word kvetch and i almost lost it. the fic was just so unabashedly jewish. and i was like...well. that’s what ive been wanting to do. so now i have no reason not to do it.

in the ao3 notes i talked a little bit about my internal debate over How Jewish To Go with the fic because on the one hand i really do understand that it can feel alienating going into a fic with zero understanding of the culture but on the other hand since it was MY fic i wanted to make it jewish the way i’m jewish. which is like...............very. i don’t think i ended up striking a balance so much as just deciding to say fuck it and write it the way i would want to read it, but i definitely think that was the right decision for me.

there was actually one more motivator for writing this fic, especially the WAY i wrote it, in eight chapters, and that motivator was that i wanted to break 400k on ao3 before the year ended. i just wanted to have an even number and 400k was a good goal. which i did achieve thanks to jewish cake fic being the 13.6k beast that she is! so that was also part of it

NOW! as for the PROCESS. i created the doc on december 22 and i originally kind of thought it was a little bitchy to write a hanukkah fic after hanukkah had already ended but was reminded that most christmas fic is neither written nor posted on actual christmas which reassured me well enough. i had already had the idea to divide it into eight chapters for the eight nights of hanukkah and i thought that would be a nice way to showcase different aspects of the holiday (seeing family, playing dreidel, opening presents etc) and also in certain cases (like the third chapter where they do some baking) some days that weren’t necessarily hanukkah-driven but just a nice natural consequence of being on break for hanukkah. i wanted it to feel like hanukkah feels to me!! normally i don’t like people seeing the way my outlines look but this one i don’t mind sharing so here’s what i had at the top of the doc for reference while i was writing. not everything in that first list got included but most of it did !!!

i’m not really sure how this fic ended up being cake. i never used to default to cake but for some reason as i was diving into this one it just felt right. that’s all i can say about that. meg you have genuinely shifted my approach to fic i DO default to cake sometimes now and that’s on YOU.

the very first thing i ever wrote down for this fic was this part that ended up going in the summary:

“Happy Hanukkah,” Calum says, smiling at Luke as their fingers intertwine.

Luke murmurs, “Chag sameach, ahovi,” and Calum’s face is aglow in the candlelight.

that was The Moment for me. i didn’t even write the rest of that scene until later but i had those two lines written down straight out the gate and i knew they were gonna close out the first scene because it just Felt Right. and i was right! very cool and fun for me

now the nice convenient thing about having this fic separated into eight discrete scenes/nights/chapters was that i didn’t have to write it in order, and i didn’t. i DID write the first night/chapter first, but then over the course of maybe a week, i wrote (deep breath get ready): the first half of chapter 2 (hemmings family) > the beginning of chapter 5 (the dreidel game) > most of the scene in chapter 7 > the beginning of chapter 3 (where they bake) > finished writing chapters 2 & 3 > started chapter 4 and finished chapter 5 > finished chapter 4 and wrote the rest of chapter 7 > all of chapter 6 > all of chapter 8 aka the proposal. i deliberately saved the proposal for last because i don’t think i could have written it exactly right without knowing the events that came before it but everything else was all over the place as you can see.

a problem i ran into a lot, and i talked to my sounding board and fellow jew sam about this among many other things, was that i had a lot of trouble characterizing very obviously Not Jewish people in a way that made them Very Jewish. not even like, Jewish But You Can Ignore It. i wanted them to be front-and-center jewish like i am and that was hard for me to navigate because obviously my speech patterns and vocabulary as an american jew are extremely different from 5sos’s as australian goyim (non-jews) like i do use hebrew words in my day-to-day communication all the time and i somehow had to keep their mannerisms but also insert mine BUT not insert so many of mine that the fic became incomprehensible and it was just. a Challenge. here’s some insight into THAT crisis

and then again writing the other characters in other chapters

i sent sam the doc when i was mostly done writing it, mainly just to be reminded that at least one person was going to appreciate this fic, which worked out nicely because she very very much did. genuinely i cannot stress enough how insecure i was to write and share this fic. like i’m gonna be really straight up with you meg, i think part of the reason i had calum and luke baking sufganiyot was because to me that felt like a sort of bribe? i basically wrote what felt to me like the least appealing fic ever and then my mission from there was to add stuff in that would convince people to give it a shot anyway. i was trying to make it worth everyone’s while. the baking was my trade-off, i was like “well yeah it’s a jewish fic but maybe she’ll be happy enough that it’s cake and they’re baking that she’ll forgive it for being a jewish fic” yes i realize how kind of hilariously tragic this sounds but !!! you never get jewish fics!!! and you especially don’t get them in fanfiction for obviously non-jewish bands!!! anyway. we’re not gonna get into this whole thing but like. even though objectively i knew that i had been told again and again people would appreciate the fic i still had doubts and knowing something and feeling secure in it are very different things.

also, i didn’t remember this, but apparently i had a lot of problems with writing the proposal! here’s a sneak peek into that mental breakdown

don’t actually think the fic specifies (making life easier for myself) but they have already had dinner in that scene. so now you know.

i could choose to not get this elbows-deep in the details of Crises I Had While Writing This Fic but instead i am choosing to go all out. here’s another thing i had trouble with:

(i did end up using transliteration obviously but i DO think actual hebrew would have been a cool flex)

and as for the title, ha’ahava hazot shelanu is the name of an ivri lider song that i love, and it translates to “this love of ours” and i realize titling the fic in hebrew was a Choice but i did talk to sam about this as well and that went roughly like this

by the way here is the song, i absolutely love it and i cannot recommend it enough. also i’m not sure how glaringly obvious this is but the chapter titles on ao3 are just hebrew numbers. like the first chapter is echad which literally means one. and so on. are they the correct genders? i don’t know ! fuck gendered language.

one more thing and then ill move on but an unfortunate natural consequence of writing a hanukkah fic (at least the way i wrote this one) is that it necessitates presents. so i had to come up with presents for these dumb boys to give each other. and to be completely honest with you i don’t remember how i did!!! the ones calum got for luke were trickier because they were actual things. for some reason this luke was always a version of luke that just kinda like, wore makeup, so that was just a question of figuring out an eyeshadow palette that would be Nice but not obscenely schmancy (i did ask the club for help since i know nothing about makeup but as usual i ignored their replies). but that by itself didn’t feel like enough of a gift, and so i tried to think of something that would be more than just the gift of an object. like, something that would maybe enable luke to spend more time on something he loves. piano music made sense to me because it wasn’t just a thing by itself it was a thing that encouraged luke to play piano and even to improve at it and to learn songs that he could be excited about. so! that was that

the trip to israel gift was a little bit of a retcon situation i really liked the idea that luke had been planning to give that “gift” to calum for a hot sec that he’d have had it ready, but i’d already written the scene where he and mali talk about israel, so i went back to it and edited it a little to hint at the idea (luke plays it off very casually because he is a clever boy) but i thought there was something very romantic in the idea of the israel trip, of luke planning a future with calum and a trip to a place that means so much to him (to me yes maybe luke and i are the same blah blah) and getting to drag calum around to falafel places and teach him words in hebrew and it just seemed like the appropriate trip for these two cute jewish boys to plan so i rolled with it.

okay moving on slightly!! to baker calum <3 baker calum was more of a cameo in the hanukkah fic, in the chapter i wrote with you in mind, but i can talk about it’s so simple here as well because i fucking adore that fic.

it’s so simple

so the inspiration behind the fic came from the “kitchens are for lovers” rhetoric and the realization that that would be the perfect...sort of thesis to build on for a fic for you in specific, because you are, in my mind, a very kitchen-based person, given your baking habit. it actually just worked out pretty nicely for me honestly because i’ve been wanting to write a big Kitchen Romance type fic for a while and you just gave me the perfect opportunity. here’s what i had at the top of the doc for the fic for you

and then once i sort of landed on the idea for the fic, it just made a lot of sense to make it jewish cake because, well, im gonna be real w you, because i identify very strongly with jewish cake and the kitchen-romance aspect felt like a very bella thing in the same way that jewish cake felt like a bella thing. and so i wanted to be able to romanticize these kitchens to share the way that i, bella, feel about them, and that was easy to do when the characters were so similar to me. not to mention this cake already existed in my head as a very settled, domestic duo, and they had their own home and had already had a kitchen-romance scene in the hanukkah fic and the whole thing just fell together perfectly. i had this sentence in my head and it was: “Shabbat in Luke and Calum’s kitchen looks something like this.” the kind of thing you would read in a fic summary right? and especially having it take place on shabbat felt like an extra layer of domestic easy romance to me so that was kind of my guide

here was my "outline” for this:

Romance :)))

obviously calum was going to be the one doing most of the cooking/baking because he had been established as the Kitchen Boy between the two of them and maybe i realized in the course of writing it that while i was luke, you were very much calum. so the goal was then basically to romanticize (1) the kitchen and (2) luke as much as humanly possible for you (see: message sent to helen and ainslee)

unfortunately i was unable to do baker calum justice as much as i would have liked because i could not have him baking anything complex because i can’t bake anything complex and if i had tried to describe him baking something complex and then described it wrong i would have died of shame so that is why he is only baking brownies BUT they have chocolate chips which hopefully makes up for it. also i just stumbled across this which i think pretty well represents the crisis i had regarding baker calum

:)))

re: the soundtrack (so to speak), i wanted to include some songs that i associate with you meg but you see the situation is that some of those songs are 5sos/mali/atl songs and so i couldn’t include those, for obvious reasons, which did narrow down my choices somewhat. fortunately i think the mcfly worked pretty nicely i mean yeah it’s a little obvious that i was forcing mcfly into the story but they deserved to be there. i think i’ve mentioned this but i genuinely have a memory of listening to star girl on a loop in my kitchen at home and in my head the hood-hemmings kitchen looks like my kitchen because i have zero imagination so it felt to me like these songs just belonged in kitchens. and that they’d be inherently romantic. woah i think my brain is short-circuiting i’m not sure i’m making sense anymore. point being i hoped that you would appreciate it nonetheless.

a note about the short introduction, because it’s very unlike anything i’ve put in any other fic to my knowledge. i kind of wanted it to feel like the prologue to a fairytale, almost. i wanted it to feel like the beginning of a movie, when the camera is slowly, slowly zooming in from a Big Picture down to one house on one street and then through the window into the kitchen while the voiceover is very serenely describing the scene. i wanted it to feel like we were in the kitchen before even calum was and that we were standing against the fourth wall watching the fic unfold. and also, i wanted to make the fic romantic as fuck, from the get-go. there was to be no confusion: this fic was going to romanticize the living daylights out of the hood-hemmings kitchen.

(also you may have noticed that despite having “london” in the list of Meg Things at the top of the doc, the fic never actually specifies that they’re in london. that’s because this fic was really an exercise in “how much can i hint that they’re in london without outright saying it so i don’t establish a canon that i may later regret” which went as far as me asking helen what her kitchen floors and counters are made of. like. if you want it to be in london then hell yeah it’s in london but i didn’t wanna lock myself into that decision just in case so i never actually said it but i hope it kinda felt london-y anyway lmao)

so...............i THINK that’s all i have to say. “all” as if i havent just written an entire dissertation but at least it’s done now. i sure did say a lot! that was a lot!!! but also a very very fun and interesting dive into the ~process~ of writing these jewish cake fics. also, for what it’s worth, the way hanukkah fic was received basically calmed all my fears about writing jewish fic, which was a relief for me. so thank you for loving it, i don’t think you know how much that means to me!!!! i love YOU so very much

#kaleidoscopeminds #ask #answered #christ go off i guess????????#i honestly have Nothing to say in the tags because i said so fucking much in this answer #fgldkhgsdflj #here are some other questions i asked helen the resident london expert:#'you guys don't have saturday morning cartoons do you'#'what do you call french toast' to which i was informed that you (brits) don't HAVE french toast #and then i decided to ignore that information and include it anyway because jewish tradition trumps british absence of food #and french toast is jewish CULTURE #'do you guys say suck-up or is there a different thing you say'#i did NOT like the answer to that one #also 'do you guys have dishwashers'#'do you guys do april fools'#helen litearlly went and took a photograph of her counters so that i could see what they looked like. THATS love baby #the fact that i said i had nothign to say and then i continued to say things anyway #thats pretty on brand for me #meg #director's cut #okay im posting this now. FOR REAL #dunno what happened before that was very unsexy but this time for real

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punkcherries · 3 years ago

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What brushes do you use for colouring? :O

I USE A LOTTA BRUSHES FOR A LOTTA THINGS LOL,,,,, but i can give ya a rundown of sum a the brushes ive been using lately!! (note: sometimes i mess w the settings of brushes i dl and idr which ones ive changed specifically so if the base dl's not EXACTLY the same as mine,,, oops!!)

this is the one i showed off briefly in the last ask guide thingy i did, its very sharp pixely and irregular which i think is fun! really good for making things look shiny, even if i dont use it to color a piece i might use it to add the eye shines if i feel like it :] heres the link to it!! (if i changed anything abt this one i probably just set the anti aliasing to none LOL)

(adding a cut here cus it got kinda long lol)

this one i got more recently, about the same time i downloaded the punch pencil set, but its very fun!! i like the texture, good for subtle blush details n just fun to paint with !! heres the link to it!! (i dont think ive altered the settings on this one at all since i got it so recently?? idk tho loll)

this one ive had and used for a WHILE!! back when i first really fucked around n got into painting digitally yk?? its so fun i havent been using it AS often lately but still BIG recommend. heres the link!!! (i mostly mess w the particle size setting on this one, depending on the brush size n stuff i want yk??)

ok this ones kind of a joke brush i made based on a twitch stream sum time back LMFAO as u can see the brush tip is just. kirby. its a material made by markatoto on twitch/twitter (that got taken down from the store idk why lol) and i made this brush as part of a bit, but it is actually p fun LOL u should be able to dl it thru this link?? lmk if it doesnt work and ill put it in a drive or smth instead (once again i mess w the particle size on this depending on brush size, also this is a raw .sut file which u add to csp by dragging the file into ur subtool bar just ftr)

ok this is a default brush in csp 1.10.10 and newer but its what ive been using for the more watercolor-y lookin doodles!! "wet wash" is another default brush i use for a similar effect, though its much more opaque than this one, if for whatever reason u have version 1.10.10 or newer and dont have the new brushes u can get them here!

this is the newest brush ive gotten!! also obtained from a twitch streamer, izzy belbeeps, im still gettin used to it but its very fun and smooth!! once again this is a direct dl, since the only place its been uploaded is izzy's discord server, and im not gonna reupload it anywhere else since its not mine LOL,,, so if that link dont work their discord server should be linked in their twitch bio (check out their streams while ur at it theyre a cool nonbinary latine artist with a cute lil imp avatar. mar is also cool hes a lil pink alien guy) and the brush is pinned in the announcements channel :P

again, i have and use a LOT of brushes LOL if theres a particular piece ur interested in knowing abt u can link the post or send the /post/number in an ask ig?? my memorys bad so if its an old one i might not rememebr lol sorry GJFDL

#cherryz txt #yes i watch twitch streams dont @ me <3 fjsdhjkgdfnlg #hope this helps ig lol !!!

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whatthefuckistevvs · 4 years ago

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Ive talked about this lately on my twitter but its something i’ve been thinking a lot lately idk why in specific. This isnt vagueblogging at any1 in particular lol im just thinking aloud.

IMO i think its p cowardly when content creators try to appeal to literally every1 by not alineating people of their fandom.

I am talking about ppl going “well they could be gay ;)) its entireley up to you

or ppl like “im not gonna critiquize politics here uwu here we are having fun uwu”

I just think that’s so cowardly, lmao.

If i was ever a famous content creator i would just tell people to fuck off?? As a NB Mexican bisexual person I wouldn’t want anyone who hates my existence to enjoy my works. I wouldn’t want them to give me money, i dont need their fucking blood money.

And im not talking about ppl who are forced to work on retail or the like for dubious companies- i am talking about ppl who create content such as videos, or fanfic, or whatever and are like “no politics here!!! i dont want to alienate people!!”

i feel that’s SO cowardly. why would YOU want to appeal to hateful people? The work I create is specifically influenced by me being lgbtq and mexican. I wouldn’t want some homophobe racist to enjoy my work, and I don’t want them, actually. I dont want their views.

People don’t get to enjoy marginalized work and then specifically wanting to punish those authors due to their existence. That’s not how it works, lmao.

If i ever become a famous whatever i would just go "This was not made for you.” Rip to you but im different.

im never becoming a famous content creator tho so Oh well.

#again this isnt directed at anyone in specific #so dont think that this is in regards to this drama or that drama #im just talking about shit #but yeah

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fayepratas · 4 years ago

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I didn’t die, and I’m actually okay with it. On New Year's Day, 2018, I tried to kill myself. I had been out partying all night. At 5am I came home, drank some more, and partied alone. Who needed people? Fuck. The kids were due back in ten minutes. I texted their dad. ‘Don't bring them here’, I said, ‘They're better with you. I can’t look after them’. I finished the Gin bottle and took all the tablets I had in the cupboard. I laid on the sofa and waited for every emotion and feeling to leave my body forever.

I woke in hospital. A neighbour had noticed my back door open and came to check in on me. I cried when I woke. I had failed.

35 years I've existed on this planet. I say existed, because living is not accurate enough a word to describe what I've been doing. And in that time, it’s pretty fair to say that I've experienced a few obstacles! I mean there has been the teen suicide attempt, two teen pregnancies, the estrangement of my adoptive parents, the marriage, the divorce, the attempt at a university degree, the toxic relationship, the second suicide attempt, the ten years (on and off) drug and alcohol abuse, the second attempt at a university degree, the meeting (and eventually loss of contact) of a birth parent, the mental breakdown, the death of a birth parent, the third attempt at a degree, further drinking problems... did I miss anything? Yeah, I did, but I think you get the general gist. One absolute catastrophe after another.

And for the longest time I thought it was inevitable that my life be full of adversity. The start wasn’t great. I was known to social services before birth, and though I've learned since that my mother had a deeply caring beautiful soul, she was a terrible caregiver. It would kill her to read this, because I think she always felt a deep regret. The heroin addiction; the neglect of my three brothers and I; The physical and emotional abuse... I don’t know if she ever admitted it to herself, and I certainly didn’t appreciate the fact until I was a late teen, but us being removed from her care really was the best thing for us.

So, why, at 35 years old, am I recounting such horrific events? Why, if saved from such awful circumstances, did I still face the kinds of events that I can only imagine would have been waiting for me if I had stayed with her? For the longest time I did not understand. And then one day it hit me like a bullet train. I was my mother. The mental health, the drug abuse, the inability to just be ‘normal’. This ‘revelation’ came to me on the downward spiral of a mental breakdown. I was working a job I loved, and I was working damn hard. So hard, in fact, that I didn’t notice that I was spending the majority of my day highly anxious, and the desire to eat was alien to me, and sleep? Forget it. My one and only goal was to be the absolute best person for the role that I could be. I couldn’t think about anything else. God, I loved that job, but man did I neglect and abuse my body. I know it now but didn’t then, that really, I was just desperate not to be anything like her. Ironically in doing so, it led me to the biggest mental breakdown and one of the heaviest drinking periods of my life. And then came the suicide attempt.

That was three years ago. And since then something in me has changed. It's like all of a sudden life is beginning to make some kind of sense. Only, on true reflection, it actually hasn't been all of a sudden. I’ve been constantly battling and learning and growing. Tiny baby steps. Each week, or month, with a new challenge, and me taking it on head first. And now more recently I feel like I'm starting to really tune in with my body, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It's almost like Ive done the learning, and now it's time to look inside and ask myself the big question. The really hard question. The question most people avoid. And if they don’t avoid it, they rarely go further than fantasising about far away possibilities, full of wonder but always just too far away to grab...

What is my purpose? why am I (still) here?

I cannot understate this enough when I say, but knowing the reason why I was put here is the most mystifying question I have ever asked myself. I have always acted like life is something that has just happened to me, because I truly thought I was powerless to influence the course of any of the events that made me feel that I did not have a place in this world. I just swallowed everything in big gulps, like it was somehow hereditary, and inevitable. Of course I'd fantasised about future goals and dreams, don’t we all? But those 'up there' ideas stayed just there. I sometimes lied and told myself that i could reach for them anytime i chose, but eventually the passion and drive to pursue anything just fizzled out. But if, like they say, I am the star of my own block buster Hollywood movie, why am I acting like an extra in a low budget production that I don't even like? And that got me thinking... does it have to be like this? Or....could I change the course of my life? would I dare to even attempt to turn everything I have always 'known' to be true about life on its head? Is it possible that with knowledge of the body, and the mind, I could change my entire perspective on life and on the situations and circumstances that i find myself caught up in? To see pure joy where there was none? To be creative where I thought I was void?

Well, I think I'm finally ready to hear what life has been quietly whispering to me all of these years. To know why, despite my attempts, the universe still sees fit to keep me here. And through a gained understanding of myself, maybe I can discover what it is I am here to do. Find what unique gift I have that the world might need. Why I have persisted in a world that I was conviced was conspiring against me. Okay world, I surrender! Teach me everything. And let us begin creating the life I could only dream of...

Faye P.

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maraquanwocky · 4 years ago

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LOOKS LIKE I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE MYSELF

questions by teufortvr

How’d you find out about HLVRAI? my friend kitty linked me this moment and like five seconds in i decided “Ah yes. I must now watch this Entire Series.”

Who’s your favorite character and why? basic bitch answer: coomer, for his genuinely excellent one-liners and character arc big brain answer: gman coolatta, for being the g-man but also an enormous dork

Who do you relate to most in the series? tommy and benrey, for the nigh-incomprehensible rambling speech

What font do you use most? hlvrai: finurlig, probably in general: i use notepad a lot so i use consolas the most by default

Favorite Scene? “There’s nothing more refreshing than a nice dip through Sewage Waste Water.”

Favorite Act? act 4 is the best but nothing will ever compare to the feeling i had watching act 1 for the first time

Favorite Line? youtube videos: “Yes...YEEES! ...Is it working-- YEEEEEESS!” OR “Taste it! Gordon, taste it! Please! Taste it, Gordon! Please!” streams: “Weekeepidia. The online, Free encyclopedia that Anyone can edit...Missster Freeman.”

Favorite Beverage? mug’s root beer

Favorite Song (PASSPORT GUARDIAN, Dr.Coomer’s Bumpin Mix)? we can use these for MY-- CLONES-- ..........Hello Gordon!

Do you have a favorite headcanon or trope about any of the characters? i know its p much canon benrey was just licking the corpses but the first time i watched the series i thought he was eating them and i refuse to let go of that interpretation also the gman being an awkward but extremely loving father and tommy responding to the affection like its all normal while everyone else is looking on like “thats a hug???” also the gman being nice to benrey because he treats tommy like the adult he is

Have you watched any other series similar to HLVRAI (Gorgeous Freeman, Freeman’s mind)? i finished freeman’s mind 1 a few days ago and absolutely loved it. gordon’s ‘modern major general’ should be selected by the united states library of congress for preservation in the national film registry as being "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant"

Do you drink soda? yes and i wish i could drink more

Do you think aliens exist? outside our solar system, absolutely. inside? There’s nothing there.

What toppings do you like on your pizza? extra cheese and extra pepperoni. buffalo chicken if im at a cici’s

What weapon would you use in a alien invasion? i know nothing about half-life weapons but fallout 4 revolver cool,,

If you could be in any video game, which one would you be in? the elder scrolls online but you have to add in a no death mode

If you could memorize any Wikipedia page by heart, which one? Of the many eruptions of Mount Vesuvius in Italy, the most famous is the eruption in 79 AD. This eruption is one of the deadliest in European history.

What’s your favorite video game right now? i havent been playing the Bideo Gayme at all lately but ive been craving some fallout 4 this past week

Have you played any of the Half Life games? i played like twenty minutes of half-life 1 and absolutely loved it but then a computer fell on me after i crawled through a hole in the wall and i screamed irl and never opened the game again

Do you watch any of the gang (Wayne, Holly, Gir, etc.)? ive been going through wayneradiotv ON DEMAND and have enjoyed almost every stream ive seen. im currently watching his alyx playthrough

If they make a second one, what is one thing you want to happen in it? i know next to nothing about half-life 2 and its episodes but i wanna see how gman coolatta would react to being grabbed by the vortigaunts

What do you think is inside G-man’s suitcase? its hammer space contained within a bag of holding and thus is capable of holding an infinite number of items but somehow its still about 50% tommy-related items; from family photos to his old drawings to like..weighted blankets to soothe him

Is Chuck E. Cheese a restaurant or a entertainment center? people do not go for the rat’s pizza alone. they go for the arcade and cheap-ass prizes. it is a Family Entertainment Center™

#hlvrai

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hcmj · 5 years ago

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HCMJ’s Favorite Albums of 2019!

Listen to a mix featuring these albums here: HCMJ’s 2019 End Of Year Mix

Other Favorites:

David Bruce - The North Wind Was a Woman

galen tipton - fake meat

upusen - Highland Ave.

BLACKPINK - Kill This Love

Starkey - Earth EP

Lamp - ‘A Distant Shore’ Asia Tour 2018

AWITW - ＳｈｅＷａｌｋＡｌｏｎｅう者姻

Seaketa - Gion ぎおん

SNJO - Diamond

BONNEVILLE - AFFORDABLE LUXURY

20) Gareth Davis & Scanner - Footfalls

I first found the experimental composition/clarinet music of Gareth Davis in the early 2010′s during my initial dive into the Miasmah catalog. Teamed up here with another electronic musician/clarinetist, Footfalls uses long, poetic waves of deep woodwinds and synth improv to describe hauntingly desolate environments. It only seems fitting to start the list with one of many bookends on a decade in the grim, cold grey of Philadelphia.

BANDCAMP | APPLE MUSIC | SPOTIFY

19) Barker - Utility

Arp and delay-driven rhythmic expression that recalls late-era Kraftwerk, building a pristine sci-fi future with ear-pleasing, rich, and laser-sharp production. Like disembodied trance or house music searching for a strong beat that never comes, Utility is absolute, skillfully-stated synth pleasure.

BANDCAMP | APPLE MUSIC | SPOTIFY

18) Sean McCann/Seth Graham w/Kymatic Ensemble - Split Series Vol. IV

Seth Graham’s Gasp was a big favorite in 2018, here condensed and re-imagined for chamber ensemble. Sean McCann’s “Vilon” finds a blissful middle-ground between electronic ambient music and traditional western instrumentation, like a poignant hymn sung somewhere far away, while the new “Gasp” arrangements are full of expressiveness and surprises.

BANDCAMP

17) 猫シ Corp. & t e l e p a t h - Building a Better World

Deep bass pulses and distant rain welcome us to a familiar comfortable place, but as the unmistakable sound and melodic freedom of telepath’s original synth work bends its way over rolling toms in the reverb-soaked hifi opener, it becomes clear that this album is something new and special. Full-on new age drenched in an endless downpour, it’s a huge and beautiful world that’s blissful to be lost in.

BANDCAMP | APPLE MUSIC | SPOTIFY

16) Various Artists - Oneironaut

Another rare case of a compilation that is actually worth listening to, Japanese indie powerhouse Local Visions assembles the best talent from the sax-loving, jazz-infused, post-vaporwave electronic underworld of Japan and beyond in the indomitable Oneironaut comp. Notable contributions from Utsuro Spark, upusen, Tsudio Studio, tamao ninomiya, and countless others deliver a hazy daydream.

BANDCAMP

15) wai wai music resort - WWMR 1

Also from Local Visions comes this special collection of tracks caught somewhere between “lost LP found in a record crate” and “bedroom 4-track” - two distinct lofi flavors that mysteriously meld seamlessly on WWMR 1. It sounds new and old, youthful and mature, and full of affection for love and the music it references.

BANDCAMP | SPOTIFY

14) EXID - Me & You

There’s something about this mini-album, a Christmas time snowy nostalgia as the sun sets on another chapter of life (and era of kpop) in tracks like “나의밤” and “WE ARE..,” the Jamiroquai funk of “내일해 (Urban Mix),” or club igniting title track - EXID may never exist in this form or at this level again, and like so many of my favorites this year it reflects the recent history of its genre brilliantly.

APPLE MUSIC | SPOTIFY

13) Fire-Toolz - Field Whispers (Into the Crystal Palace)

Field Whispers is the stunning next step in the evolution of Fire-Toolz that feels completely at home on the finely-curated Orange Milk. Extended sax-soaked dreams collide with splinters of music jumbled and broken, elegant and disjointed, all bouncing off each other while still leaving room for moments of soaring guitar and dreamy synth pads.

BANDCAMP | APPLE MUSIC | SPOTIFY

12) Hakobune - The Last of Our Time Together

With over 50 releases (4 just this year!), Hakobune’s discography can seem like an impenetrable wall of ambience, but like classics Seamless and Here and Love Knows Where, The Last of Our Time Together stands out - monumental and multi-dimensional - a slow dance skidding along the frozen surface of an endlessly deep, rich sea of emotion.

BANDCAMP | APPLE MUSIC | SPOTIFY

11) FM Skyline - Advanced Memory Suite

As nostalgic electronic music continues to evolve and find itself elevated in the hands of increasingly-focused musicians, FM Skyline delivers a joyful retrospective on a decade that gave new life to so many old sounds. Exploring the inner recesses of our memory and delusion, Advanced Memory Suite turns the page on a decade of chillwave/synthwave/vaporwave/whateverwave. It’s a hypnotic monument to the modern renaissance.

BANDCAMP | APPLE MUSIC | SPOTIFY

10) emamouse - Black place on the edge

It was a huge year from the prolific Tokyo-based visual artist and musician emamouse, whose non-stop creative output continues to challenge the very nature of reality. Black place on the edge was a standout favorite this year, layered and mysterious - incidental music for the surreal dreamworld described in mou’s most unnerving illustrations. Like waking up and finding yourself trapped inside Quest 64.

BANDCAMP

09) Koeosaeme - Obanikeshi

My favorite Orange Milk release of the year, Koeosaeme delivers another absolute hurricane of hyper-detailed, sensory-extreme, buckshot-to-the-face arrangements. The sheer amount of data on this album is staggering, with more musical information packed into a few minutes of its blissful chaos than most full length albums combined.

BANDCAMP | APPLE MUSIC | SPOTIFY

08) Jaeho Hwang - Non-self 비자아

I was super fortunate to play a show with Jaeho Hwang in Tokyo during this year’s Neo Gaia Phantasy tour - his immense set started so intensely it’s as if the entire room was cast under a shamanistic spell, hypnotized by percussive expressionism, drawn to the light of digitally melting faces and occult rituals playing out on the screen behind him. Non-self 비자아 is without mercy and full of powerful and primal energy.

BANDCAMP | APPLE MUSIC | SPOTIFY

07) Weyes Blood - Titanic Rising

Natalie Mering’s subtly expressive, velvety voice on its own is enough to make anything she touches turn to gold, but her songwriting is so masterfully dialed in on Titanic Rising it’s as if Harry Nilsson came back from the dead to write a new volume of pop rock ballads to get us through the next 50 years. It’s an album dripping with love for all the best parts of the 1970′s (Stardust-era Willie Nelson, early ELO, “Lost Weekend” Lennon and friends, etc), but also showcases the compositional chops to match and sometimes surpass its musical lineage (e.g. “Picture Me Better”).

BANDCAMP | APPLE MUSIC | SPOTIFY

06) Monari Wakita - RIGHT HERE

Off the heals of last year’s jaw-dropping Ahead!, ex-Especia Monari Wakita continues to defy modern conventions while asserting herself as one of the most powerful female voices in jpop. “エスパドリーユでつかまえて” sounds like Hitomitoi when she was a rising star, FRIEND IN NEED continues the new jack swing flirting, “やさしい嘘” sounds like it’s begging to be sampled by a future funk artist, and the lead-off single “Just a Crush for Today” is somewhere in a stop-and-go freefall between Billy Joel and Sonic R.

VIDEO 1 | VIDEO 2

05) Yeule - Serotonin II

Beneath the subtle power and diffusion of a voice like an extra-dimensional Julee Cruise, Serotonin II’s beautifully bleak paintings of the world it carefully constructs are reflective of Yeule’s transcendence into the artist’s next form. Crumbling brutalism under a blinding white sky, aliens in a graveyard - the romance of eternal torment in the spiral - all in dark room illuminated by a computer monitor sometime in the 00′s.

BANDCAMP | APPLE MUSIC | SPOTIFY

04) The Caretaker - Everywhere at the End of Time - Stage 6

The final release for this multi-year project, capturing a mind being lost to dementia, also marks the end of Leyland Kirby’s multi-decade spanning Caretaker project - a project that has had an immense impact on my perception of the limitlessness of music. Now completed, Everywhere at the End of Time towers as a 50 track, 6.5 hour journey from dreamy lucidity to terrifying confusion and darkness.

BANDCAMP

03) Tsudio Studio - Soda Resort Journey

Tsudio Studio brings a contemporary frame to leisure fantasy. Instant classics “Kiss in KIX,” “Asian Coke Light,” and “Like a Ruin” expand on the electro-bossa pop of Port Island, while surprises like “Beijing Cat” expand and explore new worlds of sound. One perfect chord after another, from start to finish, Soda Resort Journey is bubbly and delicious to listen to. Play it looped, close your eyes, be where you’d rather be.

BANDCAMP | APPLE MUSIC | SPOTIFY

02) Minuano - Butterfly Dream

Lamp vocalist Kaori Sakakibara’s side project Minuano is like some mutant variant of Lamp - equally complex while slightly less disorienting arrangements (although there are a few re-worked Lamp classics on here), tighter pop sound, stunningly immaculate vocal production - all while maintaining the unique orchestral jazz pop that makes both bands such a euphoric joy to listen to. “Memory of Soda Pop” was my favorite track released by anyone this year.

BANDCAMP

01) EQUIP - CURSEBREAKER X

This was the year of EQUIP. No better story for this year, no better sound than CURSEBREAKER X - the songs from this album will always bring back a thousand memories of smoke-filled clubs, dark forests, and snow-capped mountains from across Japan - the building promise of absolute freedom and a happier tomorrow as we all lived the Neo Gaia Phantasy.. But even without my personal connection to the music, the hardware-driven “perfect sound” VGM and EQUIP’s signature cassette tape destruction has never been better balanced than it is here - it’s loud, and filled with unforgettable melodies and unknown lands. It’s monumental and iconic and will stand the test of time and it was my favorite album of 2019!

BANDCAMP | APPLE MUSIC | SPOTIFY

#vaporwave #nuwrld #haunted ballroom #orange milk #chinabot #100% electronica #jpop #kpop #year end #2019

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spaceskam · 5 years ago

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Moirai (1/7)

ive had this idea in my head for awhile now, but i was still working out all the kinks on how I would write it. now here it is, hope you enjoy!

Summary: michael finds a baby. not everyone thinks it’s a good idea.

part one - part two - part three

ao3

Michael felt it.

He didn’t know exactly what it was he was feeling, but he knew it was important and his brain wasn’t giving him any choice but to follow it. He knew it probably wasn’t a smart idea to separate from Alex and Kyle, but there was a hum inside him that lured him away. It led him to a locked door that opened to a flight of stars that wasn’t shown on any of the maps that they’d found.

Alex had kept his word to look into Project Shepard and make sure what happened at Caulfield wasn’t happening elsewhere. He’d only come up with one possible other location, Pitlochry Prison, but it didn’t have nearly as much information on it. Still, he didn’t want to take any chances, and he packed up Michael and Kyle to go check it out.

Things were still confusing between them. He’d ended things with Maria the moment Max died, but Alex had still been hurt by it. Fixing that was slow and painful and for a while all they could discuss was Project Shepard. Then about five weeks ago, Michael had gotten a little too fucked up and ended up exploding the airstream in a way that even Michael Bay would’ve been jealous of. He couch hopped for a few nights, but Isobel didn’t let him sleep in and Max made too much noise with Liz. He’d even attempted to stay with Kyle, but one morning of hearing him bustling around at 4:30 AM was enough before he resigned to sleeping in the bunker with a sleeping bag. That is until Alex told him to just stay with him. It was a confusing proposition at first, but Alex had a spare bedroom that was apparently underused and it’d be easier to work with them in the same place anyway.

Michael had stayed with Alex for about a month now and he’d already decided that’s what his life was about, being with Alex Manes. They both stayed up ridiculously late if they slept at all, they liked the same movies, they understood each other’s science rambles enough to hold a coherent conversation, they picked up after themselves, they are the same food. But it was waking up to Alex humming in the kitchen over a pan of eggs at noon clad in sweatpants and nothing more as he offered a cup of coffee that had Michael sold. That’s what he wanted to wake up to forever.

Then, a few nights ago, when Alex had come to them with the prospect of another prison, Michael had had a stronger reaction than he’d anticipated. He’d overdosed on fear, memories of Caulfield taking over. Something instinctual happened in Alex‒that’s what it had to be‒and he’d held Michael close while whispering soothing words. There were two good beds in the cabin, and yet neither of them moved from the couch for hours. Even when Michael had calmed down and even when they’d both fallen asleep only to wake up the next morning, neither one of them made the decision to move.

So, after 8 hours wrapped up in Alexander Manes and after clearing his mind, Michael kissed him. He’d expected to be rejected and therefore kept it short. Sleep was still heavy in them both and that had to be what kept Alex from being Alex and telling him to stop. Instead, they’d stared for a moment with Alex’s fingers tangled up in his hair before meeting together in a sweet kiss.

They hadn’t really discussed what that meant, but they hadn’t taken it back. In fact, they’d only moved forward. Within the last three days, touching and kissing and mindblowing sex had come back to their relationship. They used the excuse of Pitlochry to not have to really talk about it because talking meant addressing their issues and they’d historically been bad at that to the point it ruined all the good stuff. He wanted so badly to keep the good stuff. He planned to keep the good stuff. That meant staying alive, safe, and with Alex at Pitlochry. He couldn’t afford to break again because he found someone he couldn’t save.

Yet, whatever was calling to him made him throw all caution to the wind.

The staircase was long and dark, so much so he could barely see a damn thing. Instinct and whatever was calling him were his only sense of direction. Maybe he should’ve felt scared. Instead, he felt braver than he had ever before in entire life. The hum deep in his brain, in his bones, kept getting louder and stronger the more he walked.

And then there was a glow.

It was faint, but it sparked something deep within Michael, a familiarity that his conscious mind couldn’t comprehend but his body knew. He raced towards it and not a single cell in his body was surprised to find a pod at the end of the tunnel. The walkie-talkie that was strapped to his shirt went off, Alex’s voice ringing through the air and getting progressively more and more panicked when he didn’t respond. He couldn’t respond.

Inside the pod, there was a baby. A small one, curled into the fetal position and floating there for god knows how long. Someone had put her here, put her in a place where no one could find her unless they knew. Michael didn’t know. Yet here he was.

“Guerin, I’m giving you ten seconds to respond, if you don’t, I’m going to come get you,” Alex said, carefully skirting the part where he’d put a small tracking device in each of their walkie talkies. It was for safety, in case someone was here. He thought someone had him.

Michael should’ve responded. His body seemed to scream out to respond to him, to let him know he was totally fine and it wasn’t necessary, but whatever was bringing him to this pod was in control. It didn’t give a shit about a worrying Alex; it wanted Michael.

The fear only started whenever his own hands began glowing in a way he’d only seen Max’s or his mother’s. He didn’t know how to do that and he surely didn’t know how he was doing it now. But that hum assured him this was supposed to happen, subduing his fear with the overwhelming calm and desire to follow it’s lead.

No silver was needed as his glowing palms reached into the pod, grabbing the infant cautiously and pulling her out into the world. She breathed for the first time and she whimpered and she whined and Michael stared at her as he held her out in front of him. The baby laid across his forearm, Michael instinctively cradling her head in his hand and allowed the out-of-place feeling of overwhelming pride wash over him.

Michael had held many babies in his life and even taken care of a few. Foster care was a bitch and there had been more than one home he’d been thrown into where he was expected to cater to the younger children that were there. It never really bothered him, it wasn’t their fault and he could at least make sure they were being looked after while he could, but none of that pseudo-parenting made him feel like he did in that moment. He could only assume that it was due to it being a child of his own species that it felt so surreal. He couldn’t even move.

“Guerin,” That was Kyle’s voice. It was present, not over radio signals. Michael didn’t look over to him. “What’cha got there?”

Eventually, after blinking a few million times, the spell over him was broken. Michael fell back on his ass, carefully pulling the baby into his chest and cradling her close. He had to catch his breath before letting his eyes drift over to see Valenti standing there with nothing short of shock and confusion on his face.

“The fuck’s it look like?” Michael managed before cautiously looking back down to make sure he hadn’t hurt the little alien. She looked fine, kicking her feet aimlessly and gripping onto the wire of walkie talkie. Michael pried it out of her little fist, letting her take hold of his thumb instead.

“Guerin!” Alex’s voice echoed through the tunnel and Michael, who was now firmly in control of his own mind again, felt his heart claw into his throat. He’d scared him. So much for healing their relationship. Alex jogged up to them, coming into view with the light of the dim pod. His chest was heaving and he looked so fucking worried. He spoke before Michael could apologize. “What‒where did you get that?”

“Sorry for scaring you,” Michael said softly, his eyes shifting back down to the baby in his arms.

“Michael,” Alex said slowly, cautiously. His footsteps crunched against the dusty concrete floor. “What is that?”

“Jesus Christ, have neither of you seen a baby before?” he shot back, slowly and carefully taking off the jacket Alex had made him wear to wrap around the little alien.

“We have. We’re more confused on how you went missing for nearly an hour and then we find you with a child that wasn’t with you when we came,” Kyle said as if it should’ve been obvious why they were concerned. Nearly an hour? Had he really been gone that long? It felt like five minutes at most.

“She called to me,” Michael said simply. That was the only way he could describe it, the only way that made sense to him.

“Uh-huh,” Alex’s voice again made him look up. He was closer this time, worry and fear very obvious on his face. What was he so scared of? There was nothing scary about a baby.

“Let me see it,” Kyle said. Overwhelming panic encompassed Michael so quickly and so strongly that he wondered if it was even his.

“No. Why? What are you gonna do to her? She’s mine,” Michael insisted, holding the little alien closer to his chest. Her tiny hand was holding tightly onto Michael’s thumb and he had no intention of prying it off.

Alex and Kyle shared a look before looking back at him. Micahel hated when they did that. It was like they decided they could communicate without speaking. He hated it even more when it was about him.

“Michael, she isn’t yours,” Alex said softly. It felt like a betrayal for some reason. Alex didn’t get it, he didn’t feel it. She was Michael’s, end of discussion.

“Okay, but she’s an alien and who is the only other alien here? Oh, yeah, me, so she’s mine by default,” Michael argued. He didn’t know how to put into words the tie he felt to this little baby he just discovered. It was strong and just clicked in his mind like this was undoubtedly his responsibility. This was his purpose in life. They wouldn’t get it.

They did the whole look-sharing thing again.

“Fine,” Kyle said carefully, “We can take her with us.”

“Of fucking course we’re taking her with us, was there another option?” Michael scoffed, scowling at the doctor who clearly thought he had a say in this. Like Michael would leave her. Absolutely not.

He’d left aliens before. He wasn’t about to do it again.

Kyle just ignored his comment though, “I need to check her out, make sure she’s stable enough to just take straight home.” He started taking steps towards Michael. He very slowly stood up with a nod, hesitantly passing the baby from his arms to Kyle’s.

However, the moment she was out of Michael’s grasp, she started screaming. Her cry was a force to be reckoned with, echoing around the tunnel and bouncing off the walls to make it even louder. Michael felt it in his core.

“Give her back, she doesn’t like you!” Michael snapped, taking her back. He held her little head to his shoulder, glaring at Kyle who held his hands up as a white flag. It was almost comical how quickly her cries subdued whenever Michael held her close again. He might’ve laughed if he wasn’t so focused on the relief he got from the tiny alien relaxing again. “She’s mine.”

Alex moved forward, curiosity in place of fear as he held his hands out. Michael licked his lips as he looked between his baby and Alex. He trusted Alex. Valenti was growing on him, but Alex was the one he’d trust more than literally anyone else in the world. Alex was allowed all his vulnerabilities without a second thought‒if he trusted anyone to take care of the baby, it was Alex. Even if he didn’t get it.

“Okay,” Michael said softly, holding his breath as he carefully passed the baby to Alex’s arms.

Admittedly, she stayed quiet a little longer than she did with Kyle, but, after a few whimpers that made Michael’s heartache, she started crying. Michael grabbed her again, cradling her close and shushing her.

“I don’t like when she cries,” Michael said, trying to explain so Alex would stop looking so hurt, “It feels like when Isobel or Max gets hurt. It, it’s like it hurts me too.” Alex stared at him for a moment with nothing short of worry on his face.

“Is there a rational explanation for that?” Alex asked Kyle, not even trying to be subtle. Michael rocked her, his eyes falling closed as he fed off the peace the baby exuded when she was in his arms.

“Uh, if I had to guess, it’s a whole psychic thing. I… I don’t know why it’s so strong? I don’t know, I’m not an alien expert,” Kyle tried.

“I meant, why does she freak out every time someone other than Michael holds her?” Alex clarified, sounding a little more fed up.

“Oh, I’d say his body temperature. I don’t know exactly how the pod things work, but I’m sure it feels like an incubator. Also, I’m sure the little thing’s used to his species, they’re hotter than us,” Kyle rationalized. Michael opened his eyes again.

“I don’t know, Alex is pretty hot,” Michael commented. Alex’s lips struggled as he tried to fight the incoming smile, cocking his head to the side as he gave his signature Sweet Eyes. Michael had no other way to describe them than that. They were so fond they made him feel gooey, they’d always been his Sweet Eyes.

“Oh, so the baby trance breaks for you to be flirtatious? Why am I not surprised?” Alex said and Michael smiled at him. Maybe they could still be something. He knew adding a baby into the mix made things a little harder, but Michael believed they could still make it. They had to.

“Okay, look, I know we’re all distracted by the whole baby thing and flirting with your ex thing, but I’d like to remind everyone that we’re still in an abandoned prison in a secret tunnel where we found a fucking child,” Kyle said. He had a good point.

It was much faster getting out of Pitlochry than it was getting inside of it, yet the sun was already starting to set which meant they had to have been there for a while. Michael’s internal clock must’ve been completely fucked once he started feeling that pull. That was made more prevalent whenever they all climbed into Alex’s fancy truck and Micahel was suddenly hit with just how tired he actually was. His whole body felt drained and he melted into the seat, the baby firmly against his chest.

Alex drove maybe five minutes before pulling over and forcing Kyle in the driver’s seat and climbing in the back.

“You’re going to drop her if you try to keep sitting up when you’re about to pass the hell out,” Alex said and he didn’t give Michael much of a choice but to lay his head in his lap. Not that he minded. Michael made sure the little alien stayed in his arm, laying all cuddled up between the seats of the car and Michael’s chest and still wrapped in the jacket.

“Oh my god, I can’t get over how cute she is,” Isobel gushed as she lifted the baby from the couch. Michael watched her, struggling to keep his hands to himself and not make sure she didn’t drop her. He knew she wouldn’t, but that didn’t help the anxiety in his chest.

Alex sat beside him and draped his arm over the back of the couch behind him‒that helped.

“Okay, so, her cells look the same as yours, for the most part, I’d say she’s definitely the same species. The only difference is your power source is pretty prevalent in your DNA, but hers... it’s virtually glowing inside of her. Has she shown any signs of any powers?” Liz asked as she walked in from the kitchen. In the 30 minutes since she’d pulled up at the cabin with Max, she’d turned the kitchen into a makeshift lab.

“Other than the whole luring Michael thing, no,” Alex answered.

Liz nodded, “So, she’s psychic?”

“We all are on some level, though,” Max added.

“Okay, well, when did you guys come into your main powers?”

“I’ve had ‘em for as long as I can remember,” Michael said, letting himself lean into Alex’s side just a little. Isobel nodded in agreement.

“Mine was a bit later, like when I was eleven, but the psychic thing was already there,” Max said. Liz nodded thoughtfully, mumbling under her breath as he went back into the kitchen.

“Oh, look at this smile!” Isobel cooed, turning the little alien slightly to show Micahel her smile. It was easily the most contagious thing in the world.

Isobel had been a little later than Max and Liz, but she was carting a few baby essentials including bottles, formula, onesies, and diapers. Micahel was especially thankful for the diapers since his jacket was now completely ruined. However, with some help from Kyle, they had him fed, bathed, and dressed, putting both she and Micahel at ease. It also helped that this happened after Liz had stuck her in the arm with a needle.

“Oh, she’s so soft and lovable! Yes, you are! Yes, you are!” Isobel said, earning happy heavy breathing and gurgling from the baby. A few more baby-talked sentences later, she stood to give her back to Michael. He clearly had it written all over his face how much he wanted to hold her again. It really felt like his baby.

“Hi, baby,” Michael said, trying his hand at baby talk as he brought her back against his chest. Alex snorted.

“She needs a name,” Isobel said, leaning forward. Michael nodded slowly, pursing his lips in thought as he looked down at the baby in his arms.

Before he could even suggest anything, Kyle walked back in the room with Max and they stood in the middle of the room like they had something important to say. Michael doubted they did. He got his confirmation‒the baby was healthy. That’s all he needed to know.

“So, I figure we can all pitch in watching her until I can get in touch with a social worker. She’s young enough that she’ll probably get adopted fast, but‒”

“What are you talking about?” Michael said, sitting up straight as he stared at Kyle in frustrated confusion. The words ‘social worker’ sent a familiar chill down his spine that he’d thought he’d gotten over at least a decade prior. No way that was an option when it came to his baby.

“Micahel, we can’t keep her, she’s not ours to keep,” Max said, that condescending tone dripping from his voice and provoking Michael to have to keep way too much focus in staying calm. “We have to give her to someone who knows how to take care of her.”

“I’m sorry, who said this was your decision to make?” Michael snapped. His was nearly vibrating with anger. How dare they think they could just take her away. What the fuck gave them the right?

“Michael‒”

“Don’t ‘Michael’ me! She’s mine! She isn’t going anywhere!”

“You don’t know the first thing about taking care of a baby.”

“So? Does anyone? I’ll learn,” Michael said, scoffing as he shook his head. The baby in his arms clearly seemed to feed off his mood, gradually getting more and more fussy as Michael got more and more pissed. “I’m not having this conversation with you guys, she’s not going anywhere. I don’t understand why you would want her too. I know you guys think you had it great and all, and I’m sure you think you did, but you were still confused and scared of yourselves and scared of other people. And we were older, we knew that we came from pods! She’s too little, she won’t know anything. She’ll just know that she can do things that she shouldn’t, she’ll be terrified and alone. Why should I put her through that, especially when she has someone who wants her? Not only someone who wants her but understands her power and can provide an environment where she can explore that power freely without being scared and trying to hide it. I can give her what we didn’t have! I don’t care if you don’t want to, Max, but I do. I’m not letting you guys try to convince me that she’ll be better off with someone who doesn’t understand her and never will.”

The room was quiet as they stared at him. Though, instead of understanding like it should’ve been, it was just pity. It was as though they weren’t even aware that this baby was going to grow and become like them, become a powerful alien. Yeah, there was a chance she could end up living fine and happy, but there was a bigger chance that she wouldn’t. And at least they had each other‒this baby wouldn’t have anyone. Michael knew what that felt like and, bond or not, he refused to let her go through that.

“Fuck you guys, I’ll figure it out on my own, no need to stress yourselves out,” Michael spat, standing to his feet and heading down the hall to Alex’s room. He couldn’t look at them, not when they all were acting like he was being irrational. He didn’t have it in him to comprehend how wanting to take care of someone who needed it was irrational.

The only thing that calmed him down was the fact that Alex followed him.

“They’ve completely lost it, why would I give her up? She needs me, she needs someone who‒” Michael had to cut himself off when he turned to see Alex’s face didn’t look that much different from the rest of them. Pity and concern. He took a step back.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Alex asked, reaching out to him. Micahel stepped away again. He didn’t even have Alex on his side. Alex, who grew up feeling unwanted, unloved, and undeniably different in a way he couldn’t understand for years, wanted to subject the same fate onto an infant who had someone who wanted her. What the fuck was going on? “You don’t even have a place of your own, how can you take care of a baby?”

It was a low blow, they both knew it. Well, all three of them knew it. It knocked the air from Micahel’s lung and, within seconds, the baby was crying. Michael stared at him, a million different things going through his mind as a way to retaliate but only one stood out and repeated itself. I have enough saved for a new place, I just wanted to be with you, you asshole.

Still, regardless of how much he wanted to throw it in his face, he couldn’t. So Micahel gave a tight, sarcastic smile and leaned closer.

“Don’t worry, Alex, we’ll be out of your life in a few days,” Michael said, pushing past him and heading towards the guest bedroom. It hurt him and he hoped it hurt Alex, even if just a little bit. If anyone understood why he didn’t want to give him up, it should’ve been Alex. But then again, he had spent over a decade thinking that Alex was an exception to many things.

He rarely ever was.

Michael ignored the shakiness in his hands as he shushed the baby in his arms, swallowing back any tears that threatened. He felt stupid for being emotional, he should’ve expected this. Alex never stayed when things got hard and the rest of them thought nothing of him. Why would anyone around him think he was capable of raising a baby? They all thought he was stupid, a lowlife, a good-for-nothing street rat who would never get anywhere and would never care for anyone but himself. But they were wrong and he cared a lot about a lot of people to the point he’d do anything for them and this baby had been added to the list. Why couldn’t they see that?

Michael sniffled louder than he wanted, wiping away a stray tear and pretending it wasn’t over losing Alex all over again.

“It’s okay, baby, we’ll figure it out, it’s just you and me,” Michael said, “That’s all we need.”

#malex #malex fic #michael guerin #michael guerin fic #alex manes #alex manes fic #roswell new mexico #roswell new mexico fic #rnm #rnm fic #4.2k word #multichapter #i'll add this to my masterlist later i'm too heckin tired #sorry if i'm missing any tags

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what-the-ship · 5 years ago

Text

Tickling the Ivories Chapter 3

We all know Cavendish and Dakota will be famous pop stars. How they got there is the interesting part.

Part one: Here

It all started with a canister in a field. Dakota was chattering about the newest song he had written when the grabbers grabbed the top off a canister hiding under a newspaper.

“That can’t be good.” Was all the got out before a cloud of purple and silver glitter exploded out. It would’ve been pretty if it wasn’t for the burning sensation everywhere it touched.

“Dakota?” Called a voice before his sight turned to black. When he woke up again he had a tube up his nose and a line in his arm. The lights in his room were dimmed as he reached over for his glasses. The last thing he needed was a splitting headache on top of the one he already has. Looking around he got a better idea where he was exactly.

It was an empty hospital room without so much as a TV. The steady beep nearby from his heart monitor was his only company. Outside his closed-door, he heard the muffled dim of people going about their day. Turning his head to the side he saw an empty chair and an empty bedside table. Closing his eyes he would claim it would help his head but it was really so he wouldn’t have to see he was alone. The door opened but he remained still. He didn’t feel like talking.

The doctor and nurse spoke quietly about his condition. Unknown gas but they were testing it now. Should make a full recovery in two days. Nothing about the Cavendish. Nothing about him also being injured or even visiting. At some point, he fell back asleep.

“Burger?” Dakota started sitting up. He was still attached to the IV line but the nose tube was gone. Cavendish jumped in the chair next to the bed. At his feet was a red cooler he was pulling food out of. Not crappy hospital food, oh no, the good stuff.

“Oh man. I missed that.” Dakota smiled shifting back into his too stiff pillow.

“I figured as much. I would’ve been here sooner but there is so sort of emergency on the lower floors.” Cavendish gathered up all the evidence of their smuggling.

“Don’t you want to go check it out?” Dakota asked sitting up slightly.

“I see no reason to.” Cavendish gave a one-shoulder shrug not stopping his cleaning. “We’re a joke around here so I doubt they’ll let us anywhere near there anyway.”

“Oh right,” Dakota remembered what he wanted to talk to his friend before the accident. “About that song.”

This was it. His do or die. So to speak. Neither man was adept at expressing themselves outside their respective coping mechanisms. Cavendish used a false sense of superiority while Dakota relied on jokes and sarcasm. Not this time.

He was about to confess through the only medium the two of them understood, music. So soon as he was better he’d give his please marry me speech via a song. He had all the lyrics planned out. All the adventures big and small to asking him to go on the biggest adventure of all. A cheesy love song at its finest.

“I was thinking about this one.” Cavendish had started to play a sample he’d been tinkering with. The speakers frizzed a little lowering the volume dramatically.

“Blasted thing.” The taller man scolded applying some percussive maintenance to the phone. Getting frustrated he tried to lean over to put the speaker closer to Dakota’s ear. Getting further frustrated by being impeded by the railing he lowered it so he could climb in the bed. Leaning back against the wall he was now shoulder to shoulder next to Dakota holding the phone between them.

The two of them listened in silence both hyper-aware what exactly what the situation looked like. In an effort to get more comfortable Cavendish wrapped his arm around his friend’s shoulder. Accepting the casual –friendly- contact Dakota leaned into it. They picked through songs while sleep claimed Dakota a second time.

&&&

“Aw man. You know it’s bad when a sleeping bag is more comfortable than a bed.” Dakota swung his arms around a few times trying to loosen the knot in his shoulder.

“You need to be more careful from now on Dakota.” Cavendish scolded.

“Yeah. Yeah. I know.” Dakota looked away. They were stopped by a group of ‘real agents’ milling around looking in the same direction. “Hey what’s the hold-up?”

“Quiet drudge,” growled a nearby agent trying to peer over his coworkers.

“Drudge?” Dakota whispered not knowing what it meant but knowing an insult when he heard one.

“I know things look tough.” Their boss, Mr. Block voice carried over the group. “We’ve foiled dozen of aliens invasion, help lost travelers, and even take out the trash when needed.” He gave them all a too toothy smile before continuing. “Now all we need to do is find some who can create a song along with musical accompany along with a dance number in less than an hour.” Frustrated sounds erupted around the cubicles.

“Do you know how hard it is to find someone with that ability?”

“What about Phineas and the Ferb-tones?” A voice asked.

“Too busy with school.” Mr. Block answered. “The Tyrantions specifically came to Earth to personally witness an original impromptu song.”

“Eh, shouldn’t be too hard.” Dakota shrugged wincing in pain. His body wasn’t one hundred percent yet it seemed. Several co-workers turned to glare at him.

“Oh, what do you know?” One of the secretaries snapped.

“It’s easy. Just pick a tune and go with it.” Dakota then made a little jingle about filing paperwork to prove his point.

“Excellent. We have our volunteer.” Mr. Block’s voice cut out above the chatter.

“Say what now?” Dakota realized the whole office was now staring at him, even going so far as to move aside giving Mr. Block an unobstructed view of him.

“Come along Dakota we have a lot of do and very little time to do it in.” The man had stridden over to grip the heavier set man by the arm.

“I’ll just be borrowing him for a minute.” Mr. Block gave Cavendish a wink before dragging Dakota off. Co-workers casually went back to work around him as Cavendish stood dumbfounded in the middle of the office.

Without a proper desk to work at Cavendish sat in the corner of the break room filling out paperwork about the type of garbage they picked up. Sitting in front of him was Dakota’s medicine he was supposed to take for the next few weeks. Realizing his partner would neglect his health he had already gone to the liberty of setting alarms on his phone. The only television in the room was always set to “Milky Way’s Great Hits”. Earth’s greatest contribution to the universe was music. In an effort to keep the planet safe P. I. G. broadcasted music to try and show the universe that Earth was a planet worth preserving. Sometimes it didn’t work but overall it was a pretty effective system.

There was a burst of static as the screen turned from casual elevator music (I’m Lindana, and I wanna have fun) to Dakota staring wide-eyed holding a microphone. Ignoring his two-day late paperwork Cavendish turned his attention to the screen. Off-screen someone caught his attention signaling he was on the air. Dakota took a deep breath.

Still dressed in his orange tracksuit he launched into a song about some of their time travel escapades. The chorus caused Cavendish to straighten up slightly.

‘I would do it all again for you.’

Hoping against hope he wanted that line to be about him. Realizing how presumptuous he was being he looked back down at his report.

“Amazing isn’t he?” Bob Block asked causing the taller man to jump. Leaning on his elbows to cradle his chin him his palms his boss gave his normal toothy smile.

“Sir?”

Tilting his head his boss kept talking. “If this performance goes well Vinnie Dakota will be in high demand.” The man gave a pause to look back at Cavendish. “Which means he’ll be too busy to do his normal job.”

Cavendish swallowed hard. Whether he knew it or not Dakota was going to be a pop star. The pen in his left hand creaked against his grip.

“Of course.” Was all he managed to say. He was going to live in a van by himself now. The only thing keeping him even remotely sane was going to leave him. Some would argue that he could follow Dakota.

Back when he was a concert pianist he saw firsthand the sort of person who rode the tailcoats of others. He refused to be that person. Dakota belted out the final chorus (‘I would do it all again for you.’ ). Noticing his partner was almost hyperventilating Cavendish grabbed the medicine. Taking two steps one of the other people watching gave a yell.

Noticing everyone was staring in horror at the screen. On-screen Dakota was being pulled into space ship all the while protesting.

“DAKOTA!” Cavendish yelled as his friend disappeared into the space ship. The hatch door closed before shooting off towards the stars.

#dakavendish #vinnie dakota #balthazar cavendish #milo murphy's law #wtf is wrong with me

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