#ive been avoiding all this side shit like it’s a form of plague

[loveanddeepthroat]

Me, doing all the training, abyssal chaos, deepspace trial, hunter contest, listening to every damn un-listened to tender moments story side shit to save those gems for monday:

[msmarvelwrites]

The Winter Ghost - Part 13

Info: A Devastating car crash causes you to lose your memory and start over. The only thing left in the wreckage was the horrific nightmares which plagued your mind. If you knew what today would entail you would have just stayed in bed. But you didn’t and because of that, everything you knew was about to change.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: Swearing, angst, some smutty thoughts... 

w/c: 2.2k

A/N: Lucky number 13! I’m honestly so caught off gaurd by all the love Ive been receiving on The Winter Ghost. I see all your late night binge sessions and I am SO immensely greatful for your interest. When I first started writing this I didnt really think anything of it, but youve all lit a fire under my ass and for that, I thank you! So please, enjoy and reblog and like if you feel so inclined. 

His hot breath fanned across your face, sending you into a frenzy like state you had never known before. Heavy breathing, mostly on your part as he placed excruciatingly slow kisses across your jaw. You needed him. More than you’d ever needed anything in your life. It made you sick. 

“Are you afraid?” He asked in a low seductive voice. Swiftly he wrapped his metal fingers around your throat, applying enough pressure to make you gasp. You clawed at his chest, drunk on his murderous touch. You wanted him to make you hurt as bad as your heart did. You couldn't possibly hate a person more than you hated yourself right now. 

“Answer my question.” He shouted, sending a ripple of ecstasy through your body. 

“No. I could never,” You gasped, choking as the walls of your throat began to collapse. 

“Liar.” He sneered. 

You let out an involuntary moan. 

“You good, Y/n?” Sam asked, sitting next to you on the couch as he, Nat, Wanda and Shuri all ate breakfast around the kitchen island. Your hand was lightly wrapped around your neck where Bucky’s was just a moment ago. 

“Yeah, fine.” You squeeked.

But you weren't. You hadn’t been since that morning in the hallway with Bucky. You could still feel the sting he had left behind from his touch. What was wrong with you? You couldn't even begin to unpack that question. Psychiatric help would be a start, though. 

After your memory had returned, the nightmares seemed to subside, only to be replaced with the image of Bucky, devoid of all emotion, seething in rage at your quips. By the third night, you would have gladly have traded, knowing that this was so much worse. 

You couldn't keep excusing your vile thoughts as his fault. They weren't, not entirely. You were the one waking up a needy mess every morning.

“Hey.” Bucky's husky voice filled your senses causing you to stiffen at the sound. The team around you said their hello’s while you tried to refrain from gawking. You had done your very best to avoid him as much as you could, but there were only so many places to hide. Whenever you bumped into each other he would keep his head down and you would run in either direction.

“Steve’s on his way back today. He left to meet Vision and gather intel on an active Hydra base located somewhere on the border of Germany.” Wanda’s eyes lit up at the mention of the name. This must be the famous Android she's always gushing about.  

“Pack up… We ship out first thing tomorrow morning.” Bucky declared, peaking your interest. It had been way too long since you had been back in the field, this was amazing. You could feel the excitement bubbling out of your chest vanish when Bucky’s eyes glanced at you. 

“Y/n, you can uh, keep Shuri company while we're away.” You blinked at him, unsure if you had heard him correctly. 

“No fucking way.” You scoffed. You were not missing out on this opportunity to give Hydra a taste of their own ‘serum’, so to speak. 

‘Captain's orders.” He deadpanned, averting his gaze to the ceiling. You stared at him, lost for words with needy eyes. He’d never tell you, but it terrified him when you looked like that. Small, fragile, though he knew better. He would kill himself before he tainted you. But that didn't make the idea any less intriguing.

“And since when do you listen to Captain's orders?” Nat spoke up before you even got the chance. You nodded violently, looking back to Bucky who only sighed. 

“You know very well why she can't go.” He muttered, fighting tooth and nail not to look at you again. You could sense his uncomfortability but you couldn't look away. 

“She’s not going, then I’m not going.” Wanda sulked. 

“Me too.” Sam mocked her tone. “Seriously, Buck. She’s a tank, we could use her.” He finished, more serious this time. 

Bucky huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his flesh fingers. “You gotta take that up with Steve. He and I aren't really on the best of terms right now.” He spoke, annoyance dripping from the last sentence. 

“Easy, I’ll take care of it.” Nat said to Bucky, but she sent a wink at you. 

You were so excited you almost leaped from your seat. You couldn't wait to blow some shit up!

……………………………………….

The next morning you woke up extra early, just to get a jump on everything. Nat had fought with Steve all last night, but eventually he conceded on the sheer fact that if you were there, it would mean double the Wanda power. This was a big base, one he had known of for quite some time now, but it required extra attention. They had been working on recreating your serum, but so far to no avail. You knew exactly where they were going wrong of course. But Steve explained they had been testing it out of Hydra members. The lucky few who survived may not have your powers, but they were still strong. He’d need all the help he could get.

After you were packed you dragged your duffle to Shuri’s lab. She had been working on a few new weapons she wanted you to pack. Just in case, she said. You got there in no time flat, literally vibrating with excitement. 

“You're sure about this?” She asked. 

“Absolutely.” You beamed. She signed, and handed you a small ring. 

“What's this?” You asked, holding the small band in your fingers. 

“It’s a beacon. It will help you hold onto your borrowed energies for longer. It’s like a mini you, only better.” She paused, “Speaking of, are you going to tell me what's in that serum of yours or am I just going to have to keep guessing?”

“I think it’s better kept unsaid. That thing had already caused enough problems. No one should be burdened with it.”

“Maybe so.” She signed.

“Thank you Shuri. For everything.” You half heartedly smiled but before you could leave her arms were around you, pulling you into a hug. You sucked in a breath and tapped her on the back in reciprocation. Physically affection was never something you were good at showing, try as you may. 

When you finally pulled away she sent you a soft smile, and wished you good luck on the mission before you headed out the door. 

……………………..

“Nice of you to grace us with your presence.” Steve muttered, when you finally got to the jet when the rest of the team was loading up.

“It is, isn't it?” You spoke sweetly, throwing your duffle onto the jet. You still weren't really sure where you stood with Steve. Of course you knew of the famous Captain America, even if you didn't remember a few weeks ago. But never did you imagine he would be such a class act dick. Or maybe he was just that way with you? The idea made you smirk, knowing you were the only one to really piss off the Captain was honestly the highest form of flattery. 

You boarded the jet and noticed the rest if the team already suited up. The tactical gear Shuri had made you was tight, and Natasha was living proof of that. I mean, it wasn't fair she had the body of a trained ballerina and New York supermodel. The woman was easily the most beautiful woman you had ever seen while your gear clung to you in all the least flattering ways. 

You quickly shook off the self doubt. It didn't matter how you looked, you were here to kick some ass. 

Well, not exactly. 

That morning Steve had announced that while the rest of the team ‘kicked ass’ you and the Soviet spy would sneak into their mainframe and collect the data of whatever new evil scheme Hydra was working on. 

Though you weren't thrilled to be stuck on recon duty, it was better than nothing. Besides, you were just a little rusty. Though Nat and Sam kept you busy and Wanda had taught you all her tricks, you weren't sure that if it came down to it you'd be able to pull the trigger. 

Better safe than sorry. 

“Are you nervous?” Bucky spoke under his breath, his voice deep and rough. You shivered at the sound. You hadn't realised until this moment that he was seated directly behind you. 

“Are you?” You asked. You tried to add some bite to your words, but they left your lips softly. The tone seemed to surprise Bucky as much as it did you as he half expected to to tear his head off again.

“Sometimes. But, not now.”

“Oh yeah?” Words betraying you once again. 

Ignore him. 

Stop talking to him. 

Stop. Talking. 

Bucky's tongue slipped from between his lips, tugging on his bottom one slowly and effectively knocking you back from your annoying thought and to the glorious man sitting behind you. 

“Yeah. Got this new girl on our side. She’s a totally badass. I know she’ll watch my six.” He shrugged causing a small smile to pull at the corner of your mouth. 

“How do you know she won't just leave you for dead?” She asked, playing along. Part of you, however, was just a little curious. Part of you wanted to ask yourself the same question. In a second, would you protect the man who murdered Tommy? Honestly you weren't really sure. 

“Just a feeling.” He spoke so casually. So sure, you wanted to believe him. It would be easy enough to feed him to Hydra, but you and him both knew you wouldn't have the stomach for it. 

“Huh. You sound pretty confident in that.” You sneered sarcastically.

He just gave you a small shrug, leaning back into his seat and pulling his bluetooth earbuds out of his back pocket. He offered one to you casually. Before you could protest your arm shot out and took it, placing it in your right ear. 

“I like to listen to music before a mission. It calms me.” He suggested, opening his phone, scrolling through his songs before the intro to Highway to Hell began playing. 

A grin spread across your face “I love this song!” You beamed. 

“I know. I remember you telling me something about spending an entire year listening to AC/DC cause’ your dad loved their music. I downloaded a few of their albums after that. Not exactly what I’m used to, but definitely good ass kicking music.” He nodded. 

That stopped you dead in your tracks. You couldn't help the smile that faded quickly from your lips at his words. You were, to say the least, shocked. You must have mentioned your love for the band at some point, but honestly couldn't for the life of you remember when.  

But he did. And he listened to it because you liked them. 

“Huh.” You repeated, turning back around and trying to suppress the butterflies that began erupting out of your stomach. You could hear Bucky behind you drumming his hands on his thighs along to the song. You couldn't help but giggle at how offbeat he was.

“Take off in five minutes. Everyone ready?” Nat spoke through your coms. Everyone gave a thumb up as the jets engine whirled on, vibrating through the aircraft.

You listened carefully as your song faded away and the next one took its place. 

Do I wanna know? If this feeling flows both ways?

You could physically feel Bucky’s mood shift behind you. The Super Soldier serum granting you access to his quickened heart beat and the lyrics mirrored the every present emotions you had been feeling this week.

Sad to see you go. Was sorta’ hopin’ that you’d stay. 

You let your mind wander as you listened to Bucky hum along quietly to the song, low and soft. The sound sending chills down your spine as the memory of your dreams from the past few nights replayed over in your mind. 

Baby, we both know. That the nights were mainly made For sayin' things that you can't say tomorrow day.

Bucky’s lips trailed along your swollen throat, the feeling of pleasure over bruises he had left behind caused you to moan in ecstasy. The way he kissed you, not like before. This time full of lust and something dark. His hands dipped under your shirt, the feeling of hot and cold sending you over the edge as your eyes rolled back in your head. You wanted nothing more than for him to throw you against a wall, any wall and tear you limb from limb.

“I like this song too.” Bucky’s breath fanned across the back of your ear, rocketing you back to the Jet that was beginning to take off. You looked around the small space, praying that Bucky was the only one to notice your breath hitch in the back of your throat. 

Any reminisce of the idea that you had to stay away from Bucky shattered into a million pieces. The hate, still ever present, but you knew damn well that would be the best part. It only fueled your desire. He was going to be the death of you.

Or even better, you'd be the death of him...

.....................................................................................................................

A/N: Gah! Thank you for reading! And thank you to @cutie1365​ for being the best hype woman/ editor around lol. Leave a like or reblog if you wanna show some love. I hope yall’ are having a great week! 

@kalesrebellion​

@projectcampbell​

@calwitch​

[amuelle]

Surprise, surprise…YOU ARE the poison.

We are officially in 2019. All the people who were being cut off in 2019 have been cut off. You might just be the toxic person and now you have to deal with knowing you aren’t that great. As I just found out recently….

(Names were changed in the production of this post to protect the identity of participants…but she knows who she is and I’m not sorry….)

I think it’s important to maintain relationship and it’s not difficult to do. I’ve always prided myself on being a great communicator and maintaining relationships. I know I’m not the easiest person to love or get to know. It also takes a lot to get past my initial ‘hard’ exterior. Deep down inside past the sarcasm and smart mount…I’m really a sweetheart….Really. Its something I have complete security in. I know this about myself, I am a great communicator and friend. I was absolutely certain about it but I recently found out that that is not the experience that everyone has had with me. I rarely make new friends, however on occasion you meet someone who can make a valuable contribution to your life in the form of a new friend. I met this one lady – Lola, a long time ago when we were kids. We only became friends when a mutual friend reintroduced us in our 20s. We became a girl gang who hung out every weekend and grew close over a few years and it was a great time.

Part of adulating is accepting you aren’t always a ray of sunshine, you too can be a trash human being at times. Just because you don’t think something about yourself or are convinced you are a great human being that doesn’t make it true. Let me make a personal example – I know I’m loving and know how to show love. Just because I think I’m loving that doesn’t mean that everyone in my life agrees with that.  It doesn’t also mean that that’s how they experience me. My belief that I’m loving doesn’t negate the negative experiences people have had with me.

Recently….well not recently, Lola cut me off a long time ago but my slow ass only caught off after actually confronting the issue with her. We had a spat and I still admit I acted like a dick and I apologised for it when I realised where I had gone wrong. I apologised profusely. I apologised like I was Ruben Studdard and it was 2004, like Kobe did when he was caught cheating….I APOLOGISED…On more than one occasion and I thought we were solid but this was not the case. After noticing her distance herself I decided to reach out because maybe she was just living her life and still wanted to be homies. She didn’t respond to my text and I started to worry but I didn’t have the courage to address it. So it persisted to bother me and finally I reached out again and still no response but this time a bitch had some balls and asked why I was being ghosted. She finally responded saying “Because you are ill-tempered and thus incapable of communicating your hurt without being hurtful or catty to other people. This is my experience of you and I would rather not deal with that kind of energy”

(ROW OF SHOCKED EMOJIS AND SIDE EYE)

(THIIIIIIS BITCH)

I’ll admit that I was shocked and I wanted to further engage in the conversation but then it HIT me, she was right. In this specific scenario I was the poison. I had been a dick to her and she didn’t want to deal with me which was super fair. Did I agree with her a hundred percent, no not at all (let’s say vehemently disagree because I’m fucking awesome) but that didn’t matter because for her she had decided and she had cut me off.

I’ve seen that meme all over the socials about how if I’m the poison in your life don’t feel bad about cutting me off, we are grown and self care is important and blah blah blah….ABSOLUTE SHIYYYYTE! That shit hurts. It hurts, you will feel blindsided especially if you thought the issue was resolved. You may or may not get mad and you might want to act in the exact way that you got cut off in the first place. And that is EXACTLY what I did…..I totally did. I let my lil ill-tempered ass get to work. She clearly hadn’t thought it was of any value to notify me she didn’t want to be friends anymore and I wasn’t about to beg another woman like she gives me rounds. If I hadn’t apologised sincerely more than once I would get it but alas we were here now and a bitch got pride. After she gave me the answer I needed I also ghosted her. Then proceeded to delete her off ALL social media, whatsapp groups, deleted the reminder for her little birthday… I was all DELETE, no pause!

The deleting was definitely a knee jerk reaction. However I am NOT willing to swallow my pride and go back to talking to her about it because I am the POISON. It doesn’t mean I should just lay down and die. What exactly would I be trying to negotiate there???? I’ll tell you what, NOTHING!!!! Not one thing because she doesn’t want my friendship and that’s not a bad thing at all. Effectively, this person just said she wants nothing to do with me and that means everything relating to our former friendship had to change. I couldn’t be the only one in it and by keeping her number and keeping her on social media was just that. It’s a break up, break ups suck but they also teach you things. I am ill-tempered and don’t communicate well when I’m hurt.…BUT WHO DOES??? How many people can say at the height of experiencing the emotions that come with betrayal or an invasion of their privacy they will talk in a calm rational and thoughtful manner?  I can’t say that for myself. In fact the person who can communicate their hurt that way, I’d like to meet. I’d like to shake their hand, sponsor their life and follow them like people used to follow The Grateful Dead….. (And I’m serious!) As for being catty…shiiiiiit….I wrote that book, wrote the movie adaptation, executive produced the sound track and there is talk of a theater production. Yes, YES, YES she was right.

It takes a minuet for you to realise that your feelings are making you act a certain way. That certain way might make you not to be the most gracious human being. That said that text made me feel like I hadn’t grown, changed or learnt anything since. She drew a conclusion and it was a fair one because that was her experience. I don’t have to like it for it to be true. I am NOW not quick to be a dick but that doesn’t mean irrevocable damage wasn’t already done. I don’t dispute that at all and nor do I wanna change her mind. I’m only human and I made a mistakes. Just because you apologise it doesn’t mean the other person is obligated to accept your apology. Not only that, they are not obligated to try grow through something with you. They don’t owe you anything….(let that sink in, lets also repeat it for the people who read and don’t absorb immediately…..NO ONE OWES YOU A DAMN THING!)

Now rudely awoken to my toxic traits I am obligated to do better. My problem is/was that I need to use my words better at all times, especially when I’m upset. It’s not fair to lash out but it’s also impossible to gauge how you will react when your privacy is invaded or you feel betrayed. We all have knee jerk reactions and sometimes it hurts the people around us. BUT!!!!!!!! And this is a big BUTT… I mean stripper from Atlanta round and brown big. You are HUMAN!!! You will make mistakes and if you don’t grow from them then you deserve to be cut off and then cut off again coz you know better but don’t do better.

Someone can experience you in a certain phase of your life and assume that’s who you are. That’s who you were at that moment maybe when you aren’t heated you aren’t that person. That doesn’t matter. How many of us go back to the stove to get burnt some more after having been burnt? You won’t go back to get brunt again, but you still need to use the stove to cook. You just now need to be more careful. It’s crazy and irrational to think someone would see poisonous traits in you and stick around to see IF you change. There is no guarantee that once the issue has been raised and apologies exchanged that you will change. If they don’t give you the chance to show them you have changed, you aren’t their lover and even if you were they have every right to still leave you if you are not fulfilling your mandate. Don’t be selfish enough to think anyone is obligated to put up with your torture.

Torture yourself and let the rest of us LIVE!!! That said in this situation since I am the poison I have to understand that I was the weakest link. Even though I felt slated because in her other friendships she had given chances and let others change and grow to be better. In our situation maybe she reached her breaking point quicker or our friendship wasn’t that important to her such that we could try work through things. I’ve decided to KTSE( Keep The Same Energy). If you don’t want to try with me I’m not going to try convince you I am worth it. I already know I am (wow that whole paragraph sounds so defensive….oh well)

At this point It’s not about loses and gains, it’s all about peace of mind. Lola did what she had to do. By asking and her telling me she is done with me, it gave me what I needed too. I’m solid right now. I absolutely prefer this to the purgatory of a one side friendship. I know better now and my intension is to always be cognisant of the way I deliver a message even when I’m hurt. You have been cut off for a reason and that reason should be a starting point for you being a better human being.

At the time of writing this I hadn’t seen her in a LONG LONG time. When I finally did, I was with a mutual friend and I avoided her like the plague. If I saw her left, I went right, like I was playing ‘you can’t catch me’ and that was the ill-tempered petty in me…I feel fine about it because it’s good to know we are nothing to each other. I am also grateful she showed me that I need to do better and I intend to do so.