#ive always loved horror stories about ideas that hide by memory/perception alteration......i didn't. think about it

[necronatural]

world's slowest personal revelation but something key to my emotional experience is that i can't predict my panic attacks because i can't feel them. i gauge how anxious I am by if I'm babbling, light-headedness, stomach reflexes, etc

Panic attacks come out of literal nowhere. I am "perfectly emotionally stable" (I don't perceive a problem) and then suddenly I feel like I'm going to die. When I had my first gallstone hospital visit I just randomly had a panic attack out of nowhere during a pleasant interaction with my nurse

I also can't pick up on spirals. It feels like skipping sadness and plummeting right to suicidal. When I start viewing everything as exclusively negative it feels perfectly rational, measured, and untainted by emotion. I have to be in the middle of a pervasive spiral before I realize there was even a hole to be in, and try to pull myself out from that point. This requires forcing myself to not think about anything because I don't have any way of telling if 'cheering up' is working.

So anyway, I'm reading Got Dropped Into a Ghost Story Still Gotta Work, in which Kim Soleum did not perceive he was being slowly brainwashed by a memetic hazard,