#itsamatterofhonor \ 001

[ranchloved]

He was hurt. In more ways than one. He couldn't move much in his current condition and depended on Silva for pretty much everything, which he hated. In, also, more ways than one. Silva had only come to him for his son, had bedded him for his son. He hated him for it. Silva played with his heart, said Jake had never loved him, and then had even shot him. Silva was right about one thing, no one would believe Silva shot him after he had taken care of Jake. He had to blame it on the son too, which had ran away much to his dismay. Jake wakes up to the smell of dinner. He groans in pain as he shuffles on the bed and opens his eyes. Silva is walking in with a bowl and sits by his side. He glares at him as the man tries to feed him and he just looks away refusing the meal. One, he could feed himself. Two, he would not eat from what he had to offer. Silva leaves after trying a few times and leaves the bowl behind. After a while he gets hungry so, with a sigh and rather reluctantly, he takes the bowl and starts to eat. Its not nearly as good as his own but its edible. After he's done he tries to get up but, instead, hisses in pain and feels like sobbing. Not from the physical pain but the heartache. He sits on the bed with difficulty, hissing and holding his side. He wants to go to the bathroom because he knows he can't leave just yet. He depends on Silva for that. He stands up holding the blanket around his waist and starts walking around. Until he stumbles with Silva. He doesn't say a word, he just growls at him. "Where's the toilet. And don't say you'll help me because I don't want your filthy hands on me."

a parent would do anything for their child, would endure the worst, would give up the one thing they loved the most - if only to know their child was safe. silva was no exception. he loved his son with all his flaws, no matter the crime he committed. had he made mistakes? surely, but he couldn't change it now. joe was who he was & even if silva was angry & disappointed in him, but he still wanted him to be safe. even if that meant giving up the one thing he'd yearned for all his life.

jake.

for the past twenty-five years, silva had fought with himself, trying so hard not to give in to the urge. jake put a desert between them, it was clear he didn't love silva. he never did, no matter how much felt for him. for the longest time he thought jake might, but after they ..reconnected, after jake refused to even look at him now that he was satisfied & sober, silva knew. he thought the sheriff would ... that he would.. help him. that their love was undeniable & wonderful & that their night of passion would make him realize that so he'd show mercy on his son.

for him.

but he was wrong. there was no love in jake's heart. not for him, not for anybody. so .. he'd picked up the pieces of his broken heart & went to salvage the relationship with his son. send him off on his merry way to mexico. after that? he didn't know. he only had the ranch left now. but of course jake didn't give up. he'd never meant for it to go this way. hurting jake was the last thing he wanted to do, but he'd seen no other way. jake was too stubborn for his own good.

he still was, now, fighting his every move. stop it, please let me love you. he set the bowl aside, there was no force-feeding jake, he knew that. soup was left behind in the room while silva went to check on the horse jake brought, making sure it was bound in front of the house, safely. when he came back inside, he almost bumped into the other, too lost in thought until his voice rang in his ears.

"you can't be walking." soft hiss covered in concern, arms shooting out instantly to hold him, but they ..hover when he growled. his words cut deep, his brow twitching. "you'll hurt yourself and stay longer. is that what you want? i don't think so." if jake hated him as much as he said, he'd let silva help him. arms finally closed the distance, pushing his body underneath his arm & against his side, jake's arm over his shoulder to help lift his weight, his own arm around the sheriff's waist as he helped him walk to the bathroom.

jake could fight, he could growl & hate him, but he'd see this through until he was healthy enough to leave. probably forever. "hate me, but i will help you until you are better."

[ranchloved]

Once Silva was in the bed for him, he just rested his head near him, their eyes locking with each other. He was beautiful and he couldn't stop staring. Dammit, why had it taken him so long to finally allow for this? Even now he struggled with what they would think of them but the more time they spent together the surer he was that he wanted to live together in this ranch with him. Jake, however, had more mischievous plans for Silva right now. He moved a hand to his crotch and began stroking it with a soft hum. He had no intention of reopening his wound but he could torture Silva for sure. "I was thinking that I didn't have the time to explore your body properly, to see it, to touch it. So I will take this opportunity to do it now," he declared as he moved his hand up to pull at his shirt and snake his hand underneath. He hummed softly at what he felt, he felt amazing under his hands, but he wanted to see it. "Get up, undress for me. Slowly. Let me see you." He prompts moving his eyes to the end of the bed and back at him with a smirk. He had no desire to talk about his own past and Silva hadn't asked yet. Plus, he didn't want to dwell in the past either, it was the past not their present. "You had the time to appreciate me all you wanted, is my turn now," he added moving a hand to caress his face and kiss him again. He wouldn't get tired of kissing him. The more he did the surer he was that this ranch idea was good for them. "I want to engrave your beautifulness in my memory forever."

jake usually wasn't the handsy-kind-of guy, which silva had accepted during their two months of bliss in the first place. he had no qualms touching him per se, but jake had never seemed to have much interest in exploring. it was fine, really, silva didn't mind. he was just happy when jake showed interest in him at all. which was something he had been doing in the past few weeks. he was hurt, of course, so they both had been tame. if jake really lived with him on this ranch... they had all the time in the world now & didn't need to rush things.

silva hoped he didn't change his mind. part of his tactic would be to get him hooked on himself, but with sex being out of the question, silva's rather limited skills in cooking & the only other tasks to do at the ranch being work... he had the feeling he was not doing a very good job at convincing him. which was a possible problem come his recovery. but that made jake running a hand over his pants all the more surprising & while first instinct was to smack it away & scold him for moving too much.... he knew that first of all, jake was almost all healed up by now & secondly... he really wanted to be touched by him. he wanted to feel wanted.

& jake was giving him that right now. feeling his hand on his skin, warm & curious was one of the best things silva had ever felt. he arched his back, right into the touch with a little sigh falling from his lips, but glanced at him when he pulled away. that commanding tone did things to him he didn't know possible, so silva got up - as told & undressed, slowly. starting with the buttons of his yellow-plaid shirt, letting it fall off his shoulders when all the buttons were undone. next was the belt, he fiddled with the buckle & hung it over the closest chair when secured. eyes glanced up to find the other watching him & honestly, silva did feel a little self-conscious with those steel-blue eyes watching his every move.

he never quite knew just how much jake paid attention to during their hookups. was he attracted to men? or just ...him? would this body repel him, or... not? all those stolen glances when they met again, but jake never liked eyes on himself - or eye contact, silva assumed that was because he was ashamed of enjoying it. ashamed of enjoying the unconditional love & adoration silva held for him, which he could only rarely keep out of his eyes when he gazed at the sheriff. former sheriff. next piece of clothing that left was his undershirt, he pulled it over his head & let it drop on the pile of clothes. so now he was left only in his socks & underpants, which followed not too long afterwards.

[ranchloved]

"No, as much as I hate to admit it, I need your help around still if we want my recovery to be successful. Besides, I have you for company so things aren't looking so bad." He says with a smirk dedicated only to him. He listened in silence, looking at Silva sitting close by, but not close enough for the temptation to raise. The temptation that was there every single day, it was a nightmare every single second of the day. He desired that body so much, he wanted to show him his love not only talk about it, but they would have time once he recovered so, for now, he behaved like a good boy. He would have plenty of time to be a bad boy later. "I doubt it was your fault, Silva, you had a lot of work on your hands with the ranch alone even more so while taking care of a kid." He told him moving his hand to touch his wound and then moving his eyes to look at it. He couldn't perform just yet but he could get to know more about Silva and that's just what he planned on doing. "So, it's been just you, your kid, and the ranch for a very long time, eh? Why did Joe's mother left you one day?" He didn't refer about her as Silva's woman or his wife, he didn't believe she was either of those things, she was just someone to replace Jake. Nothing more than that. Jake looked down as he listened to his answer and sighed looking back at him. "I'm sorry for leaving you," he says. "I really am, but I...I wasn't ready, Silva. I was too afraid and I think you know that. My father, my brother...if any of them ever found out...even my sister-in-law..." he trailed off with darkness in his eyes before retaking the subject. "It wouldn't have meant my death but yours. I wouldn't have been able to bare that." He wanted to move closer to the other but away at the same time, he wasn't sure what he wanted really but he wanted Silas. "Come here, baby," he says softly moving a hand up and calling him into his arms. They had done a lot of cuddling lately and he liked that. "I can't change your past, or mine for that matter, but I can make up for it and I will."

"i shouldn't have left him on that horse. it was too tall for him, he was too young, but he really wanted to ride it." it was his fault & he'd come to accept it. the limp had hindered him some, but .. not enough to justify the path he'd taken. "i did my best, though." he tried so hard to raise him right, but he failed. he had to live with that now. he paid the price & almost lost jake, but ... but he got lucky. fate did smile down upon him it seemed.

"i didn't love her. i couldn't. she knew that and left. i don't know why she left joe with me, but i think an unmarried woman with a child would not have been a good look for her." unmarried women with children were considered whores. it'd have been impossible for her to find a husband & silva didn't want that for her. he did want her happy, if not with him due to obvious reasons, with someone she loved. like he wished to be happy with the person he loved.

silva knew it hadn't been the right time for them, it hadn't been until now, but he wished it was. so much time wasted, so many years lived in silent suffering. "i know, jake." he'd made it painfully clear that he hadn't been ready, had pushed him away even after they slept together. silva should've known back then not to push, but he'd been desperate & after mexico he had no choice but to try. they would've parted either way & silva only tried to keep jake close to him.

it didn't take a lot for jake to get silva into his bed. even for something as harmless as they'd been doing. he...had been tempted to... chase more, but jake's wound.. didn't allow for it. even if he took the lead, it just wouldn't work. he'd pull at it, wound him anew. not worth. silva climbed into bed with him - he shouldn't, it was only afternoon, but ... he could take a little break. "we are here now. that's all that matters."

[ranchloved]

"I don't usually absent myself from my job, they must have thought the worst." Jake lifts his eyes to look at Silva and smirks at him, was he... no, he must be imagining it. "The people from town already knew who the culprit was even though I tried to stop the rumors from spreading," he sighed knowing that everyone is already thinking it wasn't all there was to it anymore. "I'm sorry I placed more blamed on your son," he adds watching him go and come back with water for him. He takes his moment to enjoy the caress of the other even if Silva is only checking his temperature, Silva was also staring for way too long and he couldn't help but smirk again. He takes the water and drinks from it until satisfied leaving it back aside as he watched Silva undress slightly before joining him in bed. Jake turns on his good side to look at Silva and be closer to him. "What if I want to play with you a little, hm?" He teases with a smile, a lustful smile. Dammit all, he was horny and he wanted to touch him, to kiss him, to fuck him. But his men were right outside and he was wounded. He rather not risk it. At least not completely. Jake moved forward and kissed him gently, with love, but commanding and leading the kiss with his hand over his hip to keep him still and close. Once the kiss was over, he kissed his forehead and smiled against his skin keeping him close as he laid his head on the pillow and sighed closing his eyes. The next morning, he woke up to the voice of his deputy. "Sir! We are leaving now!" He shouted from outside but never dared to look inside, always the gentleman. Another trait he liked Sam for the job, he'd treat people with respect. "I'll be back once I've recovered. Take care of the town for me, will you?" Jake said. Silva was still in bed with him and it was barely morning, the rays of the sun barely making their way up. "Will do, sir. Do not strain yourself, okay?" With those words, he heard the movement of the horses and then the sound of horses running away from the ranch making him relax further into the bed. He wished he could do more to the body beside him, but he was tired and weak. So he kissed Silva again and went back to sleep. For the next days, his routine was mostly sleeping, eating, using the bathroom, and sometimes bathing. He was regaining his strength but the wound was still a long shot from closing. "At least they haven't been back, they obeyed the orders." He said expressing his worries to Silva as he ate. He was staying awake more these last couple of days, but he wasn't eating too much or too frequently still. It was some weeks later when he began to truly feel the recovery. He was eating more normally, still soups though, and he was awake for longer periods of time. "Do you have any books in this place?" He asked Silva, he was dying of boredom already and didn't want to annoy Silva too much but he had a feeling that's where things would end up leading to. "Better yet. Tell me how's been your life these past 25 years, tell me about yourself."

"he will never come back, put as much blame on him as you want. i did all i could." there was a point where silva couldn't do more than he had. he'd reached it. he gave him time, a chance, a place to go & as much money as he could. silva didn't make much money on the ranch, it was enough to keep it running, set a little aside for emergency situations like with joe. he shouldn't ever return to bitter creek - or the ranch. they should be fine, but if he did, then it was his own fault & silva couldn't save him anymore. he was done. he almost lost the love of his life for this. he'd given enough, now it was his turn to take. he deserved to be happy, too.

jake moved in bed & silva shot up to stop him, pushing him down so he'd lay back down safely. "stop it." he'd re-open the wound. the wrapping was loose. he leaned into the touch, eyes closing when he was kissed. jake kissed him, just like that. this must be heaven. "we can't" he sighed, aware of the company outside. god knew he wanted to. he yearned for jake's touch, but for now this would have to do.

he woke to the deputy's voice outside, spinning around in bed instantly & scanning the room to make sure they weren't inside to watch see them in bed together. yes, it was harmless, but men didn't just sleep in bed together. regardless, they didn't come inside, so when they announced their departure, silva snuggled back up against the other's side. they could definitely sleep a little more.

when they woke again, he made them breakfast, tended to the horses, tended to jake, back to the horses, dinner - back to bed. he refused to sleep in joe's bed & jake slept in his, so it was only just he slept together with him. they held back. for weeks. jake's recovery was the highest priority right now. once he was back on his feet, silva could show him how to tend to the horses. they could work together, be happy together. he couldn't wait.

"no books i think, sorry. not a lot of time to read." keeping the ranch was hard work. "i can pick some up in town if you want." although it shouldn't be that much longer. the wound was looking better every day.

"you want to know about my life? not much to say. i bought the ranch after our time in mexico and settled. joe's mother and i, we weren't together for long. she left joe with me when she left." but silva hadn't been unhappy about her leaving. he didn't love her, he slept with her out of desperation. "when joe fell off one of the horses as a boy, he hurt himself and the limp stayed. it was my fault." looking after a child & tending to a ranch all alone, it'd been too much for just one person. "not much happened after i quit being a gunslinger. i miss it sometimes. i missed you, every singe day." he did, he really did. "what about you?"

[ranchloved]

He moved his hands away to lay down instead of being propped up. He felt weak, sure, but so hopeful for their future together in this ranch. He had everything planned too. He would say his deadly encounter with Joe led him to realize that being a sheriff wasn't the life for him anymore, that he will take over of Joe's old ranch and take care of it with the man that saved him as his business partner. Then, he would pass over the badge, gather the important stuff from his house, and start redecorating and rebuilding around the ranch to add his own likeness to it. He would probably hire people from town to help them change things around but with money on his side, he could speed up the process. They wouldn't be alone for a couple of days, maybe a few weeks, but, if they were doing this ranch thing? They were doing it right. "You can't keep me quiet, that would be rather boring." He stated taking his hand again into his as he began drifting to sleep, falling asleep like that, with that peace in his heart. Night was dawning on them when the sound of a horses arriving woke Jake up. At first he thought it was Joe coming back in the confusion of his half sleep state, but soon realized it was more than one horse. He heard shuffling outside, men shouting his name. Jake looked down on himself to make sure nothing would give them away, once happy with his check up, he called back. "I'm fine, come inside." He called out. He recognized the voice of his assistant and one of his best deputies with him. "Sherrif! Are you alright?!" The assistant exclaimed once he saw Jake. The deputy hit his head, however. "Don't be stupid! Can't you see he's wounded?" The deputy replied to the assistant. "What happened, sir?" Jake sighed covering himself better. "Joe shot me, left me for dead, and ran away. Silva here, an old friend of mine, found me and helped me." He explained not looking at Silva. He hated putting this on his son but he had no choice. "Now that you know what happened, explain yourselves." "Sebastian told me you left a couple of days ago, he said he thought you came here to confront Joe alone and wanted me to check it out. He insisted on coming." The deputy explained pointing at the assistant as Sebastian. "We should go back to town and bring a carriage and a medic to help you back home, sir, anything else we should bring with us?" "No. You aren't bringing anything," he says without hesitation. "I can use the rest this ranch provides so I shall stay here. Silva knows what he's doing too, it wasn't a serious wound either, so I will use this time to rest and relax. There's things I need to think through. For now, you're the commanding Sheriff until I'm back, got it?" "What? Sir, I must insist to bring a medic and to bring you back home. What if Joe comes back? You'd be in serious trouble." The deputy insisted. "Enough!" Jake says exasperated, not wishing for this back and forth. "I've given you an order. Stay out there tonight, leave bright and early. And I'll see you once I'm back in a couple of weeks. Got it?" The deputy sighed but nodded. "Yes, sir." With that, he watched them leave the room after assessing Silva first. "Just my luck," he mumbled once alone.

"i can and i will. you're straining yourself. it's not helping." the faster he healed, the better. he wanted jake back on his feet as soon as possible. mainly so they could just live their lie together without worry, but... he had more selfish reasons, too. the night they spent together two days ago hadn't been enough, not for long - not when he waited twenty-five years for this. but he had to be patient now. very patient.

"after you feel better we can talk about what to do next." he rested his head on their hands, just enjoying the proximity, being allowed to touch him without having to worry about being seen, or found & without jake pushing him away. he wanted to bathe together, to sleep together, to wake up with him in his arms, to watch the sun rise with him by his side.

he fell asleep soon after jake, sitting hunched over in his chair by the bed. it wasn't comfortable, but with jake there.. he could sleep anywhere. the horses woke him, the voices & the commotion outside. he sat up with a gasp & glanced around, wiping a hand over his eyes to wake up. shit. this wasn't good. he was dressed, thankfully, so when jake called them in, he pulled his hand away from his & placed it in his lap with the other.

silva was ready to lie - if need be, but jake had it under control, so he let him. his commanding tone... was exciting. he tried not to let it show, watching the men stumble over his own words in front of the sheriff. he talked them into leaving & silas felt relieved when they listened. "they worried about you." he didn't blame them, he'd worry about jake. he did.

relieved to be alone again, he watched the other with awe, standing to fetch him a glass of water. he set it down by the bed, brushing a hand through his hair while checking his temperature. no fever. good. very good. he... couldn't stop staring, like... like jake would be gone when he dared blinking. he was here, at the ranch - just like silva had dreamt he would.

"we should be alone now.." silva took off his yellow plaid shirt & dropped it on the chair, he kicked off his boots & socks before climbing into bed next to the other in his underpants & undershirt. he made sure to move slowly as to not shake the bed too much as he snuggled against his side. "rest."

[ranchloved]

Jake missed his warmth when Silva got off from him, he wanted more, he wanted to feel his body against his own, and he wanted things that wouldn't go well with his body's current condition. He didn't growl in protest, though he wanted to, and relaxed on the bed moving a hand to grab Silva's own instead. "What can I say, I've gotten used to certain commodities over these 25 years and I can give them to you now too." He says interlocking his fingers with Silva's. He was still upset he was shot, and he was still upset Joe escaped, but his heart ached so much for Silva and he was tired of fighting it. Life on the ranch sounded nice, sounded happy, and relaxing. He wanted that. He was tired of the stress, of being alone, of fighting everything he wanted now that he had it within reach. He moved his other hand and grabbed a cup of water left on the side of the bed, he drank it all and then looked at Silva as if he was water himself. He smiled at him. "Fine, I'll let you take care of me. We'll make this ranch our own but I have things to settle in the village first. As soon as I can ride I'll settle them. Until then...we're on our own. I didn't tell anyone where I would be going just that I was going to delay, so I don't expect anyone to come over." He was wrong, though, as someone was already on his way to the ranch riding as fast as they could to reach the Sheriff.

silva's hand came to rest upon jake's holding his, squeezing gently & shooting him that soft little smile he did when they first saw each other again - that smile that dripped with fondness for the other. he couldn't believe this was happening. after all those years. he wondered what would've happened if he came back earlier, but he knew there was no use to dwell on that now. it wouldn't change their future. focusing on the now, on how to make up for past mistakes & enjoy the life they could lead now. "i don't care for any of this, but if it makes you happy, i'm happy."

well, after jake healed up, which was his first priority for the time being. he needed him back on his feet so he could stop worrying. healthy enough to start a new life on the ranch with him. they could be themselves, truly. only few people ever bothered coming all the way out here, especially because the closest town was still a few days ride through the desert. "okay. just us sounds good to me." wide smile, the one that puffed up his cheeks & would show teeth if he took it to the next level. "you'll need the rest." it'd be weeks until he could ride again without running risk of making it worse, but ... he couldn't bring himself to mind. he wanted to spend time with him.

as much time as possible. he wanted to get to know the sheriff, the man he'd not seen in two decades. how much had changed? who was he now? what was he like? what did he like, or didn't like? would he cook for them when he felt better? please, he would love that. "you do need to stop talking and moving, or it will take you even longer to heal."

[ranchloved]

Silva was right and he couldn't help but break their eye contact to look outside the window. He was used to more luxury than this but he wasn't a stranger to work, they could work with this. This ranch was bare bones but, together? Together they could make it amazing. Jake turned back to him, to his eyes, reconnecting their foreheads before kissing him again, his hands moving from his chest and neck to his waist to bring him closer, growling at the pain, remembering his wound and growling in frustration. "I'll relinquish my position as Sheriff, I'll sell my stuff, and we'll remake this ranch to our liking. Something that's ours and doesn't have your son's touch everywhere. Something finer, beautiful, like you." He says moving a hand from his waist to his face again caressing his cheek. "I'm giving up my life for you, I'm believing your word, please, do not fail me, Silva." He says with his heart in his hands. However, he could imagine their future together. They'd need to keep up appearances while they rebuilt this place to their liking... Okay, maybe to his liking but it was the price to pay for giving up everything he once knew. Not like he minded, he loved Silva, but he wanted the man to live in luxury or as much luxury as he could afford which wasn't much but it would be something. A good bed, good walls, nice looking things, good meals... everything. Still, deep inside he felt he failed his brother and his father. He failed his word to keep her safe and she died not having his killer brought to justice. It hurt, it bothered him, but there was nothing he could do now. Joe was gone and it was only them now. He was choosing to believe Silva, to form a business together, to have a life together, and ignore his prejudices and what people might think. It scared him. "I love you, Silva, I love you." Now that he had said it once, he couldn't stop saying it or touching his beautiful face. "Please, don't fail me now. I'm depending on you for a lot here."

silva knew the lives he led couldn’t be more different, but .. if the village offered them a life, he would leave his own behind. he’d sell the horses & live with the love of his life, but neither of them would be happy there. or safe. if they were found out, it would be death. they’d already run a risk when silva stayed the night. like he’d threatened him, what would people think if they found a half-undressed man in his bed? it would be catastrophically bad. they couldn’t. no. ranch or eternal unhappiness. he knew it was a difficult decision, but …. it should be a clear one, no? because if jake loved him, truly, he would choose him over his profession. was he going to choose him? he .. let him think & just watched him silently.l until jake turned back to him.

they kissed again & silva was hungry for it, hungry for him. he’d climb into his lap in an instant if he wasn’t hurt. jake pulling him close, like he felt the same way, made his heart flutter & he sighed against his lips, though that growl shook him & reminded him he had to be the reasonable one. jake was too stubborn to admit he needed the rest. his words though, oh - they filled him with warmth. he’d never really worried about money, he had enough to eat, he had a roof over his head & work he enjoyed. it was a good life. jake would see that, he thought. especially because they would be together. the smile on his lips was … it was full of relief, happiness, adoration - because he held all that for the other endlessly. there was no limit to his love for him & to know he would finally get the life he always wished for… he wasn’t quite sure how to handle it.

“anything you want.” the house had been his own creation, but jake could do with it whatever he wanted. their own house… didn’t sound like too bad an idea. “i don’t care, so long as we are together.” he would do anything he wanted, he didn’t care. this was what he wanted, who he desired. fate had brought them here & he was ready to embrace it wholeheartedly. he did pull away, though & brought the chair in closer so he could sit by jake’s side, letting gentle fingers run over the bandage on his hip. blood didn’t sleep through, good. “i want you. i love you. i want us to be together.” he had no intention to disappoint him, or to hurt him ever again.

god, he was so happy. part of him had been afraid that jake would hate him forever, that when he was healed, he’d leave him & silva would lose him again. “i want to know everything about you.” when jake said there were many things silva didn’t know, it hurt, but he also knew the sheriff had been right & he wanted to change that. he wanted them to know the men they’d become. he wanted them to be one.

[ranchloved]

This time he only listened to his words, looking away and working on calming down with his hand still on his wound. Maybe Silva was right and they would've hanged Joe, but he held influence and he was so sure he could've prevented that... Who knew now? Joe was gone and there was nothing he could do about it. Maybe he won't ever see him again and the kid would get his life straight for once, maybe, for Silva's sake. He didn't know what he'd do if he decided to take care of the ranch. They were too far away from town and he was the sheriff there. Just giving everything up, his life, his job, his house, for Silva... it sounded preposterous. Maybe if they moved the farm closer to town... he had the financial means to do it. He wasn't sure yet though, it was a difficult decision and Silva might not even agree to that, maybe he wanted solitude. He felt Silva move closer, take his hand, and pry it away from his wound. He looked up at him with their hands latched together on his chest. His eyes were watery and tears were threatening to fall. He felt weak and ridiculous, but this closeness... how could he deny him anything? He moved his other hand and grabbed his neck with it. He hesitated but pulled Silva closer and kissed him softly but with love and passion. He broke the kiss too soon, unable to breathe with his stuffy nose. "This ranch is too far away from the city, I have a life there." He says with fear but, dammit, he wanted him so much. "If we moved it closer to town we could... we could do this." He says caressing his cheek with his thumb. "I love you, dammit, I do. I want this, I want us, I ache for us so much. Just, please, swear you didn't use me for your son's sake. I can't bare it."

oh, to die tasting jake on his lips. there was no better way to go, he felt, although he'd rather enjoy a life with him, rather than without him if he was being honest. it just felt like fate was playing with them, bringing them together - but making sure they couldn't thrive together. it was cruel, it was painful - it was torture. he felt drawn to him, always had. like they were meant to be as one & the was nothing he could do to keep away from him for long. when jake reached for him, he met nothing but approval & yearning. that one night they had a few days ago hadn't even been close to enough to make up for all the years he waited.

even when their lips parted, silva remained close - his forehead never leaving jake's, his eyes never leaving the man's lips - or his eyes for that matter. breath shared between them, jake's scent all around him. he wanted him so badly. he would die for this man, even after everything that happened. "we can't be together in the village, we wouldn't be free." it was the ranch, or nothing. they could never be lovers in the village, not when there was no reason for them to be spending as much time together as silva hoped they would.

he wouldn't be able to kiss him, to hold him, to simply ... live by his side. it would be the same it was now, jake being afraid to be seen, afraid to be found out about. "joe was the excuse i needed to come see you finally. i was afraid of your reaction before. that is the only connection my visit has to joe. i speak the truth. i didn't use you, but i was selfish. i wanted to help him ... i wanted to convince you, but when i saw you again after such a long time, i couldn't let that be the first thing i talk to you about. then we are and we drank and i just couldn't, i didn't want to leave without feeling your skin against mine."

& then they woke up, by when it'd been too late to bring it up without sounding like a liar. "i messed up, jake. i did. i know i did. i will make up for it. but we can't live in the village together. i know you have your life there, but try ... living with me here? it's not a bad life. we can be together. nobody will see us."

[ranchloved]

He placed a trembling hand over his wound, softly so as not to hurt himself, but remembering it when Silva told him to calm down. He placed his other hand on the bed to prop himself up better and lean forward a little bit. Breath labored with the emotions he was going through. "With me as sheriff, I would have ensured he lived," he says softly, shaking his head too. Jake looked at him though, at the memory of when he broke things up. Someone had to, they were both men and things couldn't go further than that. It had been just fun, except, it never was just fun and he knew it. It was more than that. He loved the damned man, he never dared marry or have kids because his heart ached for Silva so much at first until it dulled and duty became his priority and life. Silva had come to destroy that life for Joe. If Jake had done what he wanted, he would have lost the only life he knew in 25 years. Then, why didn't he care more? Why hurting Silva was destroying him way more than letting justice and his principles escape? "What do you want from me? To yell to the entire town I like to fuck men?" He told him looking him straight in the eye. "That's not gonna happen. I did what was best for the both of us even if I was too late." He sighed looking away. "You wanted to hear me say it your whole life, you wanted me to admit it your whole life too. I love you and it's breaking me apart. Your kid is dangerous though, I tried to set him straight, I tried to take care of him and keep him out of trouble. For you, goddammit, for you!" He's having trouble breathing again, so he turns away and opens his mouth as he sniffles slightly and winces at the loud sound of his nose. "I think you understand my posture perfectly, what I felt that morning. I couldn't believe you then, why would I? It was all too convenient for you and still is, but if you had used me...if you had truly done so, you wouldn't be taking care of me in the way you are now. You could've left after Joe and no one would be none the wiser."

“you know they would hang him. if you brought him in, his fate would have been sealed.” there would have been nothing jake could’ve done. once they got their hands on joe, he would’ve been dead. jake should know that, even he said it was unlikely to have been anybody else with the limp being a dead giveaway.

silva twitched in his seat, wanting nothing more than to rush over & smack his hand away from the wound. he’d bandaged it carefully, had poured his love into it & jake was doing way too well at undoing his hard work within seconds by getting himself worked out this way. it would only slow the healing process & keep him longer, so while silva would enjoy that - somewhat, he didn’t want jake to be in any more pain than he had to be at this point. he never wanted him in pain in the first place.

“i wanted you to say it to me, only me.” silva never cared about what others thought of him, not the way jake did. he’d been terrified of anybody finding out what they did in mexico, or what they felt for each other since then, so afraid he’d rather be alone than to admit it. silva had offered himself, a life together, but jake ran. “we could’ve been happy on that ranch. you chose to run away. you broke my heart, jake.” silva struggled for a long time after they parted ways, debating every single day whether he should go find him again or not, but what choice did he have?

“can’t you forget about him? he won’t return, i promise you. you will never see him again. i am sorry for what he did and i am sorry for hurting you, but you will not find him now. nobody will.” he was too far gone, probably nearing the border soon. jake had no influence in mexico, it was done. not the way he wanted it to be, but he tried to solve this peacefully. he really did. he thought they could relinquish that spark between them & forget about everything else.

“i would never.” he did come to him for two reasons, but he hoped to stay after they settled the score with his son. he never meant to leave again, not if jake wanted him. if he hadn’t seen the sliver of a chance, he would’ve told joe to run before leaving the ranch to find jake. “stop it.” he couldn’t keep watching him struggle, hands gently placed upon jake’s against his wound, carefully prying them off & placed them against his chest, together with his own. distance almost closed between them, he had tears of his own pricking the corners of his eyes. “i wanted to come back, i wanted to be with you. i still do. i want nothing more than to live with you on this ranch. can’t you see that?” please, don’t hate me. “i can’t bear the thought of you hating me.” forehead almost touching the other’s, fully expecting to be rejected once again, or spat at - as jake had put it bluntly before. “i love you, jake.”

[ranchloved]

"Your idea of saving him was to send him away! He would've learned nothing! He will kill someone else and, where will you be to save him this time? Will you be behind his skirts all his life bailing him from another Jake? Fucking another man just to set him free?!" He spat at him, he was so furious at him, so hurt, he couldn't contain his words, but he knew what he was saying and he knew it wasn't fair. So he looked away, holding tears back. "I was so happy to see you back, I thought you actually came for the medics, I actually believed your stupid words. I thought you were really hurt, that I would be hurting your back, I took care not to hurt it, yet I found out you were fine!" He ends up screaming again. Lowering his head as his anger turned into tears. There was nothing worse than to cry while you were angry, it showed you cared his mom would say and he didn't want to care. So he closed his eyes and kept his head low, his mouth open slightly so he could breathe. When he calmed down a little he stroked his eyes to clear them out a little before looking up, refusing to sniff in front of him. "I believed you, Silva, I actually did. I'm more hurt about your fucking lies than being shot at. Try to put yourself in my place. You see the man you love again and the next morning you find out he's lying to you, then he starts talking about his kid instead of addressing his lies to you. Will you really think the best of me then? No, you would think what I did. That he was using you. How would you feel then? Tell me!" He yells feeling tears again, angry tears and he lowers his head again.

"it was the only choice i had. he can't stay and if he's in mexico, they can deal with him. i told him to never come back, you heard me say it." he meant it. he gave joe a second chance at life, whether he took it or not was up to him. "you make it sound like being hung would teach him a lesson, like he'd become a better man from it." when in reality, trial would've meant death. "i told you i didn't do it for him." why would he say that? why would he even hint that silva could sleep with anybody else, when he wished for nobody other than jake for most of his life? "you don't get to say this." soft growl in return, his eyes hardened, "not you. you fucked me, then dropped me. who used who, huh?" why were they arguing? why couldn't they be happy together? why did fate want them to be miserable?

"you need to calm down, jake." he was getting way too worked up, he'd re-open the wound if he kept going. "i wasn't lying. i told you, working with the horses hurts my back. it's true." it wasn't as bad as he made it out to be, though, jake was right. it hadn't been the reason he came to town. "but i only said it because we weren't alone. i told you after, that i came to see you and that wasn't a lie."

he didn't know what else to say. he'd explained why he had to lie. he'd explained why he went this far. "i was afraid you would send me away if you knew the truth. i didn't want to take that risk when i finally got to see you again after so many years." this had been the only chance to be together again. he wanted it to go well. "i waited for you, even though you didn't want to spend your life with me, i always hoped you changed your mind. i dreamt that one day i would wake up to find you outside, looking for me. i wished for it. so don't talk to me about disappointment, or a broken heart when you have broken mine a long time ago and yesterday again." silva, other than jake, wasn't the type to yell - he was the angrily seething type, his eyes speaking volumes.

[ranchloved]

He...he belived him. God condemn him, he believed Silva's words. Every single one of them and it fucking hurt. Justice wasn't more important than his love but that morning he had felt used, lied to too, just for a criminal and it had hurt so much more when Silva accused him of not loving him when he had looked for ways to save the damn kid. "He killed a woman, Silva, a defenseless woman. My son's wife. What you wanted me to do? There were witnesses too who saw him." He tried to make him understand his point. He was going to help him but there hadn't been a way to. Except this, he guessed. He looked at his clothes on a corner, at his gun. It was loaded and he wished it wasn't, he wished he could say it wasn't loaded and that he hadn't intended to shoot the kid but he had been angry for being used and he was going to shoot Joe at the time. "I wasn't going to kill him, you know, but I was and I am angry with you. For using me, for lying to me, for implying I never loved you. How dare you? I tried to cover for him but with witnesses it was out of my hands. Why couldn't you understand that?" He was more than angry, he was furious. He closed his fists and closed his eyes. "You say you didn't use me, yet that's how it feels. Where would we be if it weren't for honesty? For justice? If we bended the law for ourselves? Who would I be if I spared your kid from deserved punishment?" He was glaring at him now but he looked away before hurt could been seen through his anger. "I love you, Silva...I do, I did. How do you expect me to forgive this? You betrayed me. You shot me!" He yelled with so much anger.

"do you think i don't know that?! i know what he did, i know... i know it was wrong. i know he made a mistake. but i asked you to stop looking for him. you could've let someone else do it. nobody would have found him. nobody but you." silva might've lived across the desert, but the talk of bitter creek's sheriff carried far. he knew of his reputation, he knew why jake was the sheriff & not anybody else. so he could've sit this case out, he could have given him truce - a chance to save his son, but he didn't. he chose law over love & that summed up jake's life. he chose duty over love when he left him to be with his father, he chose law when he chose to kill his son, rather than to let him go.

"i didn't use you." he stood, abruptly, in anger - furious that jake would even think he could do such a thing. "you pushed me away, you always did. just like you did today. i came here for you. i have wanted to for years, but i was afraid i wasn't welcome in your life. what happened with joe was the excuse i needed to...to come here. i couldn't bear knowing the truth. i couldn't bear hearing you say the only reason you fucked me is because you were drunk. like you did so many times before." it hurt. silva had been willing to give jake everything. his body, his life, his soul. "he is my son, jake. my son. i would not ask you for an exception for someone else. i had to try." what kind of a father would he have been if he didn't?

"i didn't kill you. you know i could have, but i wouldn't have. i had to stop you, for his sake. i had to. you weren't going to stop and if you did shoot him, he would've shot you. to kill. i couldn't let that happen. when what you say is true, why push me away? why did you leave me? why are you denying it even when we're alone? when it is just you and me?" at least between them, he could've... he could've admitted it, "instead you made me feel like a fool, like the wine is the only reason you'd touch me." which.. it was, in a sense. they needed the wine to be intimate, jake was needed that nudge it gave him. silva didn't mind.

silva wasn't .. as angry as jake. even if he was, he wouldn't have shown. anger wouldn't get him anywhere. he was tired of fighting, tired of holding onto something that had no chance at life. a dream he'd had, a dream he held onto for twenty-five years. "when you are healed, i can leave if you want me to, you never have to see me again if that is your wish." god, he hoped it wasn't.

[ranchloved]

Jake growled again at him but complied and let him lead him to the bathroom. It was humiliating to let his enemy help him use the toilet in this manner but, the worse part was how much he still loved Silva and how much he understood his actions to protect his son. He would've done the same for his own but the fact remained that it still hurt to be on the receiving end of it. He didn't discuss the matter further, he didn't try to convince Silva of his mistake, he remained quiet as he was helped used the toilet, get cleaned, and helped back into bed. He wanted to sob but that wasn't manly and he wasn't alone either. He was hard breathing as he tried to control his emotions, his anger and his love. "Why?" Was all he asked as he looked to the side at the window and the horses outside. They were so far away from the city and he hadn't told anyone where he went either. Joe had killed his son's wife, he deserved punishment for it, but if it had been the other way around...he would've shot Silva for his son? Jake gulped down at the thought. "You used me. You only came for your son, not for me. You hoped I would help you and when I didn't you shot me. You have no principles. I am the law, Silva, I'll make sure you pay for this somehow!" He said shouting at the end and holding his side in pain and coughing with strain. He was so angry, so upset, he wanted to leave. It hurt to see him, to see the face of whom he loved and had betrayed him instead.

at least he was reasonable & accepted when the only way through was with him, not against him. he didn't want jake to move at all, not when the wound was still fresh & bleeding profusely when pulled the wrong way, but he'd come this far, so he might as well help him finish his trip. jake already lost quite a bit of blood, more would only weaken him & he needed his strength. he helped him relieve himself, helped him wash up a little & heaved him back into bed, where he ... carefully fixed the blanket & sheets... maybe fluffed up his pillow a little while jake caught his breath.

seeing the spite in his eyes, the anger - it hurt. knowing he'd messed up the one chance he got... he still couldn't believe it'd gone this way. so many years he dreamt of finding him again, of making up for all the lost years, of reconnecting & maybe getting that chance at a life with him, but now he knew it wasn't going to happen & that knowledge was too much to bear. so he focused on jake instead. on his recovery. on being there for him. they were both lucky silva was a good shot or he might've hit something vital. the death of the love of his life ... the blood on his hands? no. he couldn't even go there.

"i came to convince you, but that's not why i ...spent the night with you." he couldn't lie, he wouldn't. now that jake knew the truth, he might as well tell him. "but what you say isn't true. i didn't use you, i came to ask for your help, i thought..." i thought my love for you weighed heavier than your sense of justice. soft sigh, hand brushed through his hair, he glanced away, only the floor, his heart oh so heavy. "you were going to shoot him. i couldn't. he's my son." jake understood that, didn't he? underneath all that anger and pain, he had to understand. "i would've killed him if he tried to shoot you." he'd protect his son, yes - come what may, but he wouldn't have let him kill the one person in this world he loved more.

"i dreamt of seeing you again for so many years. of being with you." he'd just... not been brave enough, too afraid of rejection, just like this morning. hand against his chest, fingers curled into his undershirt. "i have always loved you, but you never loved me. i understand that now." he thought that his son... that all this had been fate & it was, but it was only to show him the truth. jake didn't love him. he.. didn't understand why he slept with him, time & time again if he didn't, but ... there was no other explanation.