#its. a lot of transferring. and idk if i want to do that i should've done it a while ago

[everybuddiewantssome]

Tempted to make another sideblog but idk if I want to do that to myself

[werehounded]

tbh my bottom dysphoria is worse than my top dysphoria, voice dysphoria and height dysphoria (though my height is less of an issue now i'm in a wheelchair a lot of the time when i'm out of the house lol...) put together.

i don't mind being a dude with tits. i mean, i want them gone of course, but them being there is just like 'whatever' to me. they're just big sacks of fat that i want off me.

but bottom dysphoria.... the effects of it are so much worse?? like i bind my tits when i can and that's most days, but not every day. i don't mind being binderless but i feel better if i have one on. but bottom dysphoria is just. i feel like i was born with the 'wrong' plumbing. like i 'should've' had a dick. and yeah yeah ha ha penis envy etc but i'm serious. i've had such issues with intimacy and especially bottoming. when i was seeing steve, (which i no longer am, obvi, but we still chat occasionally and we're casual friends,) he was the first cis guy i have bottomed for since my teens. the first one since i came out as trans, for sure. and i'm talking exclusively about penetrative stuff, PiV, even PiA. whatever you wanna call it, not other sexual stuff. but yeah he kinda brought me out of my shell a LOT but still, he never actually saw me flat out nude, lmao. I always kept my boxers on, or my shirt, or usually both, with him. working around them.

idk i guess... i'm trying to say that bottom dysphoria can be absolutely awful, and we don't talk about that enough. for your sex and intimate life obviously it can be bad if someone wants to top you, or if your partner wants to give as well as recieve oral or manual or penetrative sex, but in so many other ways too. like. some days i hold my pee because i don't wanna 'deal' with what plumbing i have. it's just a reminder that i'm not a man. i dread my period for the usual shark week reasons, but also because it's a violent reminder that i'm not a man.

we talk about top dysphoria in trans men and mascs and some nonbinary people who bind a lot. but bottom dysphoria is ALWAYS the one which kicks my ass. which makes me seem sexually unavailable. which actually has had medical consequences for me before now due to lack of wanting to see or deal with down there.

i wish i was born with a dick. using a strap in sexual contexts makes me feel like i'm halfway there, but... in every day life, i can't pack often, cos silicone usually irritates me if its next to my skln for too long and it's a hassle with wheelchair toilets and having to transfer, and no one ever notices or genders me 'correctly' if i do or i don't anyway, so why bother buying like an STP or pack and play? but i just. wish i was born a guy.

i guess most if not all trans people feel that, on some level or another, at least occasionally, eh?

[youtappedout]

just some non-wrestling stuff :)))

kay so it's been a shitty weekend for me cos last night I completely wiped my macbook of its storage since I'm running low and the continuous lag has been so bad. and while I was backing some stuff up which weren't a lot (or so I thought) I was like huh my files don't seem like a lot .... everything was just TOO easy for me to transfer things over I was kinda relieved too because it doesn't have to take me a while to reset everything and so once I was confident and 1000% sure, I clicked on that erase all my data mf.

took a little bit over an hour and some doubts started to come in like I should've first uninstalled my adobe apps since those are the heaviest ones and maybe logged out of my apple id and shit idk but whatever I backed up the ones I know are very important.

and then it hit me: I haven't finished storing ALL The 1975 concert videos I took and EVERYTHING was in the Photos app in this fucking mac. I felt like being in an ice bucket challenge after that realization hit. I have erased it on my phone as well because I have it in this laptop and I was in the process of copyin g those videos on my external drive but I keep procrastinating because this@!! laptop!! has!! been!! fucking!! slow!! and!! lagging!!!!!!!!!

I'm so frustrated like there's no way I could recover those. all I got left from that concert are photos I literally want to breakdown and proceed to the nearest exit aka cliff. I've tried EVERY disk recovery app online out there and nothing just seemed to work (easeUS sucks balls btw wtf all they got back are micro fucking files that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THOSE CONTAINED!!!! NULL FILES for god fucking knows what) macos time machine didn't do any better as I was fucking ignorant with it.

I don't regret wiping my storage and making it new somehow again I just hate hate hate that I didn't take my time to CAREFULLY think what else what else what else!!!!! you know what they say if it comes off too easy, something's wrong with it!!!!!!!! I hate everything rn.

[lokigodofaces]

Went well, turns out he wants me train someone before I go (he's going to hire someone as fast as he can) because he specifically likes how I interact with customers. Corporate has a new phrase we're supposed to say ("Thank you for coming") but it's kinda weird to say on its own so lots of people just don't. Thing is it isn't weird if you pair it with something ("Have a nice day, thank you for coming," "enjoy your meal, thank you for coming," etc) and it's even better if you're having a conversation and apparently I'm like the only one saying it other than like one guy. But then corporate gets on our backs even though they should've chosen a not so weird phrase to say. Well my manager's boss was here all Monday in the office and from in there you can hear the cashier (me) and the closest line cook. And apparently at their weekly meeting with all the managers from the area she told everyone to do better in saying the phrase but also being nicer and all and she said that myself and the line cook were doing awesome and said everyone needed to be like us. So my manager said that now he has to tell his boss that I'm leaving lol. But he did say he'll try to get me transferred so that'll help. But yeah idk why I was so stressed over nothing.

Wish me luck, I have to tell my manager I'm moving and see if there's a chance of transferring to the restaurant near where I'll live. Idk why but this has stressed me out for a solid week.