#its weird to me because sure i have thoughts on capitalism socialism communism etc etc

[hunterinabrowncoat]

I know that we’ve all been making jokes for weeks about how we’ll be free once this hellsite goes down etc. but in all seriousness... this site is entirely unique, and I am going to be genuinely devastated when it inevitably either collapses or is collectively abandoned.

Aside from the fact that this outrageous new policy is going to seriously harm sex workers, as well as a lot of artists, who rely on this website for their income, and they’ve already proven themselves rampantly queerphobic with their previous policies on adult content, this site ceasing to function is going to be devastating to a lot of its users.

I’ve spent years on this site following and unfollowing blogs, using the blacklist functions, and finding content, to create a dashboard perfectly suited to my interests and my desires. I only see nsfw content when I want to. And every day on this goddamn website, I learn more about religion, politics, leftist theory, writing skills, and much more. Every day I come across content that makes me feel a little better about the world, and content that gives me pause and makes me think.

My enjoyment of content is so much informed and enhanced by fandom - by reblogging pretty photosets, by reading other people’s headcanons and metas, by ranting about characters and discussing relationships, and dissecting narrative choices.

This is the only site where I can manipulate it so that I see exactly the kind of content I want to see, and create a safe and comfortable experience for myself.

This is the only site I can network and connect with people who have similar interests, and build a community of people based around similar interests or experiences.

This is the only site where I can scream into the void and rant and rage, and also post thoughtful essays about theology, and also share videos of cats, and also fawn over a few fictional characters, and also blog about politics.

This is the only site where I can see such a huge variety of content, and be in control of what kind of content I see or don’t see.

This is the only site where alongside various other interests, I can find some absolutely stellar blogs for specific content - like Christianity, Judaism, chronic illnesses, or Anarcho-communism - and have my days genuinely enriched by what I learn, and I’ve always been given something to chew on.

This is the only site that I have kept completely separate from my real life. This is where I can talk freely about being queer without fear of being outed. This is where I can whine about my life and not worry about people I know talking to me about it in real life. This is where I can voice thoughts I wouldn’t be safe or comfortable sharing with those who know me in real life.

If it wasn’t for this site, I never would have figured out that I’m trans. I never would have found words that perfectly describe my experiences and in doing so realise that my experiences are valid and I’m not weird or broken. And I sure as hell would know absolutely nothing about queer history, queer politics, queer theory, or the queer community in general.

If it wasn’t for this site, I would feel so alone in my diagnosis. I would still be struggling with so much internalised ableism and hating myself for not doing enough and not being good enough and not being able. I wouldn’t feel like I could talk about my pain. I wouldn’t know that so many other people share all these bizzaire symptoms as me. I wouldn’t be able to talk to those people and feel commiserated and validated and comforted.

If it wasn’t for this site, I would be so ignorant. I’d know nothing about Judaism except what I learned from Christianity. I’d know nothing about socialism or communism, maybe never even really have questioned why capitalism is so terrible. I’d know nothing about the queer community. I’d know nothing about writing stories and fanfics and my writing would have hardly developed at all.

I can honestly say that I have learned so much and developed considerably as a person because of being on this site, and the people I’ve spoken to. It has been instrumental in shaping and encouraging my thinking and my views. I’ve read the most fascinating posts about linguistics, about history, about so many other people’s passions and interests. I’ve learned so many interesting things. I’ve found so many incredibly useful resources.

I honestly, genuinely have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do without it. I’ve made so many friends here. In so many ways I depend 

[disparais]

you can’t stay in your corner of the forest

today was rather eventful, and i’m truthfully rather pleased that i stretched my usual boundaries of social interaction and made time to meet so many people. it is 2.40am as i begin this post and i’m really really tired so there will be plenty of parentheses; this is my mind at its rawest and most unfiltered state so.

study progress: rolled out of bed at 11 and rushed to med - was taught by the ever-brilliant zp at anat museum for a while (histo crash course, basically). grabbed lunch with zp, cl and ql, where zp and i discussed lokun’s shortcomings and what could be done about them. went to anat museum, where dr j gave us a wonderfully compact anat summary/revision. took a photo with her, gave her that card (after some acting on cl’s part lmao) and she texted us individually afterwards to say thanks and jy. so sweet of her aa ;w;

dinnered with p: possibly the highlight, because i always love intellectually stimulating conversation/conversation that prompts introspection and reflection (that hopefully leads to self-improvement?) and p is definitely someone i can count on for such quality convo. i just wish that he hadn’t gone into it with an explicit ministry mindset, but rather a friend kind of mindset. i don’t like the implicit relational separation (in a similar sense to how g describes social work, with one being a service provider and the other the client) that comes with the idea of being ministered to. but i guess i did manage to minister to him in a smol way, at least in the sense that i affirmed his efforts as cgl throughout the year (which definitely greatly pleased him c: ).

regarding leaving the church: still not sure about whether or not i’m being called to leave. God, i feel, has been strangely silent on the matter (or have i deafened my ears, shut my eyes and made my heart impervious to his calls?). the j debacle was never resolved (personal hurt), the quality of bible study and discussion never improves (the exercise that s and cy implemented just gave me false hope*) (not being fed), and i’m not personally clear on my membership with the church (meaning at the very least i didn’t knowingly sign myself over or anything like that, even though i was baptized in this church). and the lack of relational grounding is what makes it so easy to walk away, i suppose - no one would miss me, honestly, and i’d probably still find time for g and yy somehow.

*another personal hurt is probably that i feel xy has a lot of work to do in her empathy/effectiveness of communication, so even though m thinks we’re intellectual equals (which i objectively agree with), she’s much more unthinkingly cruel in communication than i am, imo. but, i digress.

regarding rhc: i am Not Sure. i’ll be hauling l with me because l has good judgment in general and isn’t biased since she doesn’t know p at all (even though i admittedly have been effusive with praise for cf (and thus, by proxy, p)). p seems strangely eager to bring me into his flock, and i can’t confidently say that his motives are not coloured in any way which is similar to c and her bbtc conversion stuff (comparison brought up by g).

thing is, p is rather introspective and sound in doctrine and i trust him to the extent that i would like to believe his intentions are pure...but i’ll only be able to tell for sure if i see him and his rhc friends and can get a clearer feel of their intentions, i guess. i loosely quote p: “i wouldn’t encourage you to leave [your current church], but i would encourage you to stay”. not sure if that can be considered praise at all - i suppose it is heartening since it means i’m not heretical/unworthy of induction into a place he clearly considers sacred/holds very close to his heart, but at the same time, i wonder if it’s a generic advertising tagline (i was half-probing when i joked with him that becoming a salesperson would be a viable alternative career path.).

another interesting revelation: p is isfp! i didn’t quite expect that...well, mostly the p part, i guess. never really stopped to categorize him otherwise, but he does exhibit similarities to me in certain senses (which is probably why we generally find each other sane). isfps are FiSe, which is interesting juxtaposed against my SiFe. it seems as though we process things very differently, yet we come to similar conclusions, especially when it comes to objective truths.

i do think p’s aux Fe helps him appreciate God’s awe-inspiring creations and see God in plenty of everyday things to a greater extent than some people (my dom Si helps me very much with this). just a random thought that i might text him about later. (i was so shocked that he was aware of dom/aux/tertiary/inferior functions...it pleased me as much as his matching bible + diary seem to “please” him, heh.)

j and p: Not Pleased at all that j seems to have judged him superficially based on his mannerisms/quirks; i don’t like people who are quick to judge + stuck in their assumptions. p commented that m seems like a godly guy (HAHA fml he also said his parents have a 13-year age gap w h o a) and candidly admitted that he didn’t know j well enough to declare anything about him with confidence.

i...am decidedly unimpressed by j for now, because i did make sure to clarify with j and what i got from that conversation (i might be wrong! i definitely have to clarify this as it Greatly Displeases me) was that p’s mannerisms and their doctrinal disagreements (which are relatively trivial + i’m sure j knows on some level that p is logical and would never consciously take an entirely biblically-indefensible stand) are what give j the impression that p is weird/not-entirely-sane. ugH no don’t ruin your day thinking about this shh brain

ameens: sacrificed suite photo/hangout time at roc’s farewell event for ameens with j, j, j, zy, zp, k, r. (interesting how as an isfj i called up my mental snapshot of the scene where we were talking about j being a mole to recall who was there.) didn’t even eat but i did bring bubble tea so it wasn’t too bad. just a really chill session (my first time going to ameens!! isit devirginizing march lmao) where i mostly laughed because i was so drained from the good talks with p. ubered back to utown with j and r, made plans to study with k tomorrow (today).

g and rape: talked about the broadly mini-docu on revenge porn with g (which mostly involved me being horrified), and somewhere along the way the conversation segued into me mentioning invisible wars and we arrived at the thordis elva/tom stranger TED talk. which, on closer inspection, reads like a load of bs to me. seriously, counting the total number of seconds in 2 hours, even though she claims to be drifting in and out of consciousness? simply preposterous, from a medical standpoint. 

more on thordis elva/tom stranger: the way i see it, it was either dubcon (since she never states she explicitly said ‘no’ or fought back, even feebly) or regret sex, and she’s just capitalizing off it now. she claims to have contributed more significantly to the book - fair enough. but he’s not allowed to profit off the book in any way. why? if he owns the crime and shares his experience to validate the true victim status of victims (in opposition to the usual culture of victim-blaming) then isn’t he entitled to enjoy some of the royalties in exchange for his sacrifices in terms of stability and (denial-turned-)peace of mind he gave up? if their story is to be believed, it happened years ago. he could have never owned his actions. he could have ignored her. it’s commendable that he responded, and owned it. thinking about the biblical idea of “tsedeq” - restorative justice - this is a prime example (again, if it is to be believed.)

i did a quick google to see if anyone else had pointed out the logical loopholes and nothing. (apart from a fantastic video done by some girl who reminds me of quinn fabray (a compliment of the highest order, by the way.) some people were disgusted to see that he had gotten redemption/absolution in any sense of the word, some people thought he deserved harsh punishment, etc. what about her? i think that victim-blaming is horrific and unjustifiable in most rape cases, BUT in this case, i’d be hard-pressed to agree she was entirely blameless.

kt: remembered she has her chinese mod final tomorrow (again, today) so i popped in to wish her good luck/ended up hanging out with her for a bit! pleased.

summary: many social much tired so happy.