#its specifically my appetite thats fucked up yay

[kendrixtermina]

Oldham Personality Styles/Traits Test Results

(Clicky Clicky)

For comparision, here’s my results from other typology systems: INTP (LII-Ne), 5w4 sp/sx (548), RULAI, Chaotic Neutral, Lunar, Melancholic, Ravenclaw, Horned Serpent

Idiosyncratic types are tuned in to and sustained by their own feelings and belief systems, whether or not others accept or understand their particular worldview or approach to life. They are self-directed and independent, requiring few close relationships. Though they are inner-directed and follow their own hearts and minds, Idiosyncratic men and women are keen observers of others and particularly sensitive to how other people react to them. They tend to question common beliefs and expectations. They are highly spiritual and do not close their minds to any possibility, always asking what if?' They tend to have a deep inner life, act eccentrically, and live in their own world. They may be interested in the occult or the supernatural and are drawn to abstract and speculative thinking. Fitting into everyday, conventional life can be difficult for Idiosyncratic people. Others may view them as strange, which can be a problem in jobs and relationships. They must live life their own way and sometimes regret they cannot do things in the orthodox fashion. The pressure to conform presents intolerable stress for them. Two key factors affect the quality of Idiosyncratic lives: whether they can find an accepting environment and how well they adapt to others' expectations. Few work settings tolerate eccentricities of behavior, unless the individual has a great deal to offer by way of intelligence or talent. Some Idiosyncratics do well with one ear tuned in to their own personal worlds and one outward to what the boss expects of them. Others, however, have a hard time understanding or accepting authority. Idiosyncratic people do not need other people to give their lives direction or meaning. If they can't find partners who accept their unconventionality, they usually do well on their own. Some are content to experience several relationships in their lives without necessarily finding their one and only.

Everything except the superstitions bit (I’m actually an atheist), though I did have an esoteric phase in my teens and enjoy mythology and random speculation (as just that, stories)

Solitary types have little need of companionship and are most comfortable alone. They do not need interaction with others to enjoy life. Self-possessed and self-controlled, these individuals are alone because they want to be alone, not because they feel left out. Free of the passionate need for others, they can be quite content standing back and watching others. Indeed, they are often gifted observers of nature and of other people. Emotionally, highly Solitary people are even-tempered, calm, dispassionate, unsentimental, and unflappable. They display an apparent indifference to pain and pleasure and are not driven by sexual needs. They are not greatly influenced by either praise or criticism. They function well at work. They get down to work quickly and don't spend much time fraternizing at the water cooler. While they usually do not do well within the political framework of larger companies, when left alone to do their work, they can put their mind to it with unusual concentration. Solitary individuals can be content within relationships as long as their partner accepts their need for solitude. However, even moderately Solitary people may not intuitively comprehend others' feelings or respond to their emotional cues. 'You don't love me!' is a common lament of partners of Solitary people. The more the partner pushes for emotional reactions and a depth of intimate feeling, the greater the stress on the Solitary person. To cope, he or she will retreat. The partner would be better off recognizing signs of caring that are different from the usual I-want-you, I-need-you, l-love-you's.

Ugh that last paragraph, that exact same relationship problem. I don’t often hear the concept of “So introverted even your loved ones sometimes stress you out” in a way that doesn’t conflate it with misanthropy. Like I don’t want to make anyone feel bad or ignored (thats a horrible thing to do) but im not good at this. 

I wouldn’t describe myself as self-controlled or good-at-work (probably due to other traits in the mix) though I can concentrate when the time & subject are right. (otherwise im more on the distractable side tho. or it depends on what it is.) I distinctly remember taking some test/assesment and getting a high score specifically for concentration, i think it was the highest overall (the lowest was motor function. 11 year old me could not catch a ball to save her life.)

As a child or teen I would often start reading at noon and be so concentrated on the book I’d fail to notice the passage of time until my mom came in to get me for supper and asked why I hadn’t turned the light on. 

I don’t think I’m unflappable at all but again it depends on what and the situation and i dont really know what others see, like, I obviously know I have feels but its my own head. 

Serious types are solemn and not given to emotional expression. They are realistically aware of their own capabilities but they are also aware of their limitations. They are not tempted by vanity or self-importance. They hold themselves responsible for their actions. They=re thinkers, analyzers, evaluators, ruminators and will always play things over in their minds before they acting. Serious individuals anticipate problems and when the worst happens, they=re prepared to deal with it. Serious individuals are realists. They see the hard, harsh nature of life clearly. They have no illusions and are incapable of imagining a silver lining. They are no-nonsense people particularly suited to hard times, when their ability to push on can help everyone to survive. They always work hard and provide for others without any sense of heroism or pride in their efforts. Even though they can seem joyless, Serious types are not necessarily unhappy. They take great satisfaction in their view of the universe. They are interested in serious subjects, which they find reassuring, and they find no need to escape into pleasure. Serious people are intensely hard workers, dependable, and trustworthy. They persevere whether or not they are enthusiastic or well rewarded. This can make it all too easy for employers to take advantage of them. They do not expect encouragement or to be treated well by others. Although they are not socially outgoing, once they do connect with others they form very stable, long-term attachments. They tolerate the rough spots in relationships well. They are as critical of others as they are of themselves, but their fault-finding gives them no pleasure. They deeply regret causing any pain . Others who continually insist that they change into optimistic outgoing, happy-go-lucky people cause them great stress but their characteristic cynicism helps them to cope.

ARGH  that “I’d rather see the world as it is than sugercoat it for feelgoodsyness” thing can be so hard to explain to people. I try to be realistic about my abilities & place in the world and aspire toward realism. (and when I’m already stressed out optimism will only serve to make me feel pissed or misunderstood. Unfortunately my mom is the exact opposite, leading to a few regrettable outbursts and isunderstandings, though not major ones. )

The work ethics part doesn’t really apply tho.

Conclusion: Ugh I am such an INTP 5.

I also scored somewhat high for ‘Leisurely’ (Fuck authority sweetheart ~ ) and ‘Vigilant’ (Yay self-sufficiency, though it’s more a horizon to strive for than something I’ve fully realized yet)

That was the 14 trait model tho, the 16 trait one also has this:

Artistic

·                   Mood swings. Shifts from a moderately upbeat, outgoing, creative character to a withdrawn and sullen depressive one. When in a high state, they can be highly productive, original, humorous, and engaging. During a low state they become self-absorbed, pessimistic, apathetic, and may resort to substance abuse. The mood swings happen regularly in cycles, are similar to bipolar (manic-depression) disorder, but not as extreme in the polarity, and also the mood changes in the Artistic personality are usually more so the result of within the person and not triggered by external circumstances.

·                   Artistic inclinations. People of this style often involve themselves in some sort of creative output. They may go into a state of inspiration where artistic production is strong then fall into an apathetic daze, where it becomes difficult, almost unbearable to create art. Since they have a grasp on many corners of the human personality, they have an advantage at expressing the nuances of a particular viewpoint. Many of the world's great artists have had this character style.

·                   Unpredictability. They may take up new plans, jobs, residences, etc. out of impulse. They despise routine and love improvising, stimulation, and new experiences.

·                   Feeling-oriented. Their impulses and feelings control their lives and dictate their appearance and decisions. They rarely make decisions through a systematic, logical follow-through approach but instead base it on their current mood.

·                   Relationship difficulties. Relationships can be trying for these people. They may become promiscuous, unfaithful, or difficult to handle.

·                   Low self-control. They have a difficulty saying "no" to themselves with their appetite. They may go on shopping sprees, binge on food or drink, give into sexual compulsions, etc. Afterwards, they may feel guilty about it and restrict themselves from pleasure.

·                   Shaky self-confidence. Can swing from delusions of grandeur and superiority, and feeling very confident in oneself, to a loss of self-esteem and hopeless despair.

Aaah now here’s a place for my inner emo child and inner gushy nerd fangirl to find a home. I’d wedge it in lower than ‘Idiosyncratic’ but higher than serious. It actually coexists with the above stuff surprisingly well (It’s called “TiNe” or “5w4″)

On the positive, this personality test is the first (except maybe Divergent, but the tests do give me Erudite nearly as often as Candor depending on how absolute the questions are worded. ) to refrain from outright calling me a NEEERD.

So, thanks oldham? 

Also, now I know the precise kind mad I might end up as if I happened across severe trauma, brain chemistry goof-ups or lovecraftian abominations (Please let it be the latter). That is one interesting tidbit of information.  

[tbalovely]

I guess I’ll tell my story

This has some pretty triggering stuff in it I guess? This is more for my own reflection than anything else, so you don’t have to read it if you don’t absolutely want to.

When I was in High school I suffered with intense binging and purging issues. I couldn’t go a meal without excusing myself either at the end or halfway through to go straight to the bathroom and puke everything up. It was an endless cycle and I still couldn’t ever get to my gw at the time. When I was 17 I was 5 feet tall and I weighed 118 lbs, but, I also naturally had double d breasts. Every time I’d look at my BMI I’d feel sick because I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I had a great body, in hindsight, but at the time I felt like a disgusting whale. And my massive tits didn’t help. I never had a boyfriend and every boy I came into contact with showed no interest in me at all. Every boy. So I would keep going back to the mirror. I was too fat. I was too wide. My breasts were too big. I was disgusting. Finally I met someone online. He said that he liked my size and that if anything I could gain a few lbs. He said he loved me for me and he acted like he was crazy about me. Eventually I moved 900 miles to live with him. He said he’d marry me, but we both lived with our parents so it seemed really inappropriate, so we decided to hold off until we could get a place of our own. I stopped purging. I stopped starving myself. But I never stopped binging. He wasn’t the healthiest person, either. In fact, his BMI classified him as obese, so it goes without saying that his diet wasn’t in the slightest healthy. But I wasn’t concerned about that because I thought that he was making an effort to lose the weight, or at least to try to lose the weight. I loved him for him, just like he said he loved me for me. So I thought we’d be okay. So, of course, I binged like my life depended on it. I ate when I wasn’t hungry. I ate when I’d just eaten. I ate just because other people were eating. I ate my feelings, because for some reason now that I was living with him he didn’t seem to care about me like he had when I was 900 miles away. He didn’t tell me he loved me as often. He didn’t want to have sex anymore. (And this was all when I was still in the range of about 120-130 lbs.) I felt disgusting again. And even more so now because I’d gained a whopping 90 lbs while living with him. Eventually I moved back home so I could go to college, and he seemed fine with it. My highest weight ever in my whole life was 210 lbs. I feel gross even typing that out. When I came home I cut down my binging, but I didn’t stop. I was now binging at night when everyone had gone to sleep. Ice cream, cookies- I’d scatter out potato chips onto a plate and then drizzle syrup or honey over top of them for that salty/sweet taste. However, I eventually got a breast reduction. In 2017 I had a doctor recommendation, and my back pain was too much for me to handle to the point of not being able to get out of bed because of the immense pain. I went from a double g back down to a double d, but my body was still huge and disgusting.They removed 15 lbs of fat from my chest and after the surgery I had no appetite, so I lost 10 lbs from being unable to eat anything other than oatmeal with my pain meds. So, I had dropped to 185 lbs. After the surgery I felt like a hideous creature. My scars hadn’t healed properly, leaving me looking like some kind of Frankenstein freak show. But at least my boyfriend still loved me. At least there was one person that still thought that I was beautiful no matter what. Right? I had encouraged him to start going to a gym or at least try to lose the weight. Make an effort, ya know? He’d been going for a few weeks when he decided that it’d be a good idea to tell me that some girl that was a regular at the gym had “hit” on him and that he thought that she was “more attractive” than me. “In a basic sense, ya know? She’s more attractive than you in a general sense. She’s just very.. I don’t know. She has a good body, I guess. I mean, she goes to the gym so of course she’s going to be hot.” On our anniversary in December 2018, he told me that he didn’t feel right being in a relationship with me. He said that he needed to fix some things about himself and so therefore he needed to not be in a relationship. With me, specifically. He said that he loved me, but that we had problems that he couldn’t look past. We’d been together for 8 years. So I guess you could call this a relapse. I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to my original weight again. I’m 26 now and it’s starting to feel like I won’t be able to get the weight off ever again, but I don’t really care. If going back to Ana can do anything at all, then I’m willing to do it. I’m just so sick of feeling disgusting and fat and worthless and unlovable. I’m sick of being lied to in order to spare my feelings. I don’t want to binge ever again. I hate myself more than I ever have in my entire life. All I want is to finish college and be skinny. I’m not asking for the world here. I started eating low cal on 1/3. My last full meal was an order of grilled nuggets from the kids menu at Chik-fil-A. I think that’s about 150 cal. Since then I haven’t eaten over 500 cal at anytime. I’ve been on a water fast since 1/11 and ketosis has kicked in for me (yay!) My last weigh in was this morning and I’ve dropped to 174 lbs. I really don’t care what anyone has to say to me. I’m going to be skinny by Summer if it kills me. I don’t want to look or feel this way ever fucking again.