#its slow-going. im really enjoying myself. i hope all of the men in this book die.

[doecrossing]

Thank you virginia woolf for making really good short books

[talsiaa]

Coming Out

Pairing: Young!Remus Lupin x Reader (It’s more fem, but I try not to use many pronouns)

Warnings: None, it’s fluffy (i hope) :)

Word Count: 1,184

Summary: You’re finally ready to come out as bi to your wonderful boyfriend Remus Lupin but you’re scared of what he and everyone else will think of you.

A/N: this is purely because im bi so I hope it brings someone somewhere comfort? It’s not too long, I’m not used to writing for the marauders yet but I hope you enjoy it!

The Black Lake on a summer’s evening was one of your favourite sites, it really never got old. The soft amber and red glows of sunset reflecting from the calm waters made you feel cosy and safe, hence why you were sat there now, your back against a tree and a book in your hand. Although, you couldn’t quite focus on the words - your mind was instead racing with the possible outcomes of the conversation you were about to have with your adorable boyfriend, Mr Remus Lupin.

Yourself and Remus had been together since fourth year and now, in sixth year, you still feeel all giddy while you talk to him. You had always been nervous around him, even when you started dating, but it was a good nervous - the type where your stomach feels like its doing somersaults and your heart just won’t slow down because you’re so in love. This time however, you felt nervous like you were about to sit an exam you hadn’t revised for, your tummy was sinking with your heart drumming too loudly and it was just all overwhelming. Despite your body trying to tell you otherwise though, you knew you were ready to tell someone and that someone had to be Remus.

“Hey, dove,” Remus’ voice caught you off guard as you spiralled, making you jump a little but still force an uneasy smile at him as he sat down next to you. You couldn’t help but admire how beautiful he looked, especially with the golden sun rays dancing across his scarred nose, with his tie loosened and his uniform slightly askew. Usually he was, of course, very smartly dressed as an example to the younger years (he was a prefect, after all) so you enjoyed this, looking at him with his sleeves rolled up and his hair ruffled. Remus was another one of your favourite sites.

“Hey.” you tried to say, but it came out as a soft whisper as you pressed your lips together, hard. 

“Are you going to tell me why you’ve asked me on a top secret trip to the black lake?” he nudged you, both teasingly and apprehensively, not knowing why you were suddenly all quiet and jumpy. You took a deep breath.

“I need to talk to you, Rem.” you looked back at the Black Lake, trying to anchor yourself to this moment and prepare for the worst, setting your book down next to you.

“Oh Merlin,” he mumbled, causing you to look back at him. His face was full of fear now. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“What!?” You cupped both of his cheeks in your hands, moving onto your knees next to him. “No, no of course not. I love you, I’m definitely not breaking up with you.” his hand came up to hold your wrist and draw soothing circles on it while you lent forwards to lightly kiss his nose (it always brought out a beautiful smile from the lycanthrope). “It’s something I-I need to tell you,” 

You settled back down with your back to the tree but now Remus placed his arm around your shoulders, pulling you towards his so you could rest your head on his shoulders. His other hand still held yours, drawing different shapes onto your palm. 

“You can tell me anything, sweetheart. Promise,” Remus gave a quick kiss to the top of your head.

“You won’t be mad? O-or break up with me, or tell everybody or call me some awful name?” you stammered, knowing full well that Remus would never do anything your head was telling you he might. This only concerned Remus more, pulling you closer and stroking your hair as some tears started to fall down your face.

“I love you more than anything. I promise you I won’t be mad or break up with you or any of that. I don’t want to pressure you into telling me, though. If You want we could just go on a walk while the suns still setting?” how Remus found the words to make you feel so safe and loved every time was a complete mystery to you. He was simply perfect.

“Thank you.” you whispered, building up your courage to just tell him already. “I’ve been confused and frustrated with myself for a long while now. I didn’t fully understand certain thoughts and feelings and it made me miserable but since I figured it out - figured myself out - it’s something that feels so right and I just know this is what I’ve been lacking for ages now. I-It’s like a jigsaw puzzle and I’ve finally found the last piece and I want to be proud of it and I want the people I love and care about to know.” you filled your lungs with another deep breath. Remus just silently listening to you so intently, still caressing your hair and giving the occasional kiss to your head was just so comforting. Now that you were doing it, you were so glad. It felt very right. You lifted off of his shoulder, facing him and taking both his hands in yours, very confident in what you were saying. “Remus, I love you so much and I want you to know that this doesn’t change the way I feel about you one bit. I’m bisexual and I think that you deserve to be the first person I tell.”

Remus’ brows pushed together a little, his lips parting then pressing together again while he gave your hands a squeeze. “Darling, please tell me if I say something wrong, okay? I really, really don’t mean to, I just don’t know a lot about all of this.” he brought one of your hands up to press a soft kiss to your knuckles. “Firstly, is bisexual where you like men and women? Sorry for not knowing properly, I just-”

“Don’t worry, Rem.” you cut him off with a smile. It was the 70s after all, there was a massive stigma around LGBTQ+ and it wasn’t exactly taught about in schools (although 50 years later you would’ve thought it might have at least it’s own official section in PSHE). “I didn’t expect you to be an expert in all things gay and yeah pretty much.”

“Right, good. I understand. So secondly, I’m so glad that this is something that makes you feel whole and I’m so proud of you for telling me. I know that must not have been easy for you and I’m honoured I’m the first person to know. I love you so much and I just want you to be happy, above all else.” at this point you were overcome by so much joy that this had turned out so perfectly and pulled him closer to you for a kiss. It was quite possibly the best kiss you had ever had and you both poured so much love into it. 

“Thanks, Rem,” you said softly, pulling away from him.

“You’ve got nothing to thank me for, darling. You’re happy and that’s what matters.”

Godric, he’s literally the sweetest, most perfect person on the planet.

[meanminyxrd]

punchdrunk but it’s andreil based

hey losers i’m back with another song analysis, as always. i have a playlist for my andreil vibes if you’re curious, here it is. i actually have a lot but this one is for my slightly sad yearning andreil vibes. 

anyways, today we are covering punchdrunk by vaines. i really really enjoy this song for them and i hope i can covey it!! let’s go (:

I remember driving your car 'cause I never had one

And if I did I probably would’ve crashed it

And if I died who would’ve cared?

Maybe you would cry sometimes

Maybe you would just be fine

Because I know we weren’t in love

You just wanted to pass the time

(And that was alright)

the first line of this is pretty black and white. neil driving andrew’s car <3333 that’s it that’s the tweet. when he’s saying he’d crash one if he had his own its because he has to destroy a lot and leave stuff behind because of his past. he constantly is working to hide his past from the FBI. furthermore, he thought he was going to die for the majority of the books, and when he died, who was supposed to care? he had no one. it was this ‘me, myself, and i’ mentality because that was what kept him alive. he was constantly in danger, and when he was with andrew that’s why he made him take away the promise; he didn’t want andrew hurt because of his actions. by saying ‘maybe you would cry sometimes, maybe you would be just fine’ shows how he doesn’t think andrew actually cares ab him because 1. neil is an oblivious fuck and 2. andrew is a raging tsundere. andrew is always like ‘i dont like u’ blah blah, explaining the line ‘because i know we weren’t in love you just wanted to pass the time’ but neil was okay w it; ‘and that was alright’

I got it bad and I feel so lonely

Thought I wanted love I just wanted you

Now we’re together but you don’t even know me

But I’m stuck, what am I gonna do?

uhhh, like, poor fuckin neil man. he really had it bad for this man i really dunno how he survived when andrew was in the mental hospital HAHA. but fr he must have been so lonely, never allowing himself to make attachments, and then he makes this really skewed one with some midget maniac and then that same man goes to a hospital. that can’t have been a fun time (and it wasn’t).

‘thought i wanted love i just wanted you’, god, i love this line. remember when he looks at nicky and matt to see if he feels anything different? sees if he feels attracted to them, but he doesnt? he thinks he’s just craving affection after all this time, but no, its andrew he craves, it’s andrew he wants and chooses.

‘now we’re together but you dont even know me’ this motherfucker is living behind this silly ‘neil’ persona for a time when he’s with andrew and andrew only has this red headed man built of half truths. ‘now im stuck, what am i gonna do?’ he can’t run away like he’s used to because now he cares about andrew and he’s promised to stay.

Guess I’ll stick around

Being with you is only making me feel

Like I’m further from you then I’ve ever been

But I’m right there when you call me 'cause I’m so lonely

I don’t wanna bring it to an end

now, neil stays because he promised andrew he would, and andrew makes him feel so different and special and happy. but also while he’s with andrew he feels so far away because he isn’t being himself and andrew keeps denying whatever this,,, scuffed relationship is. but whenever andrew initiates contact, asks him yes or no, tells him to meet him somewhere or do something, neil is THERE in a heartbeat because he’s so caught up with the idea of andrew and he doesn’t want what they have to ever end even tho he’s convinced it will, one day, come to that point.

I remember feeling so young

Nothing's gonna bring me down

And if you jumped I would’ve followed

All the way down to the bottom

Better days are over now

Everything is slowing down

And you still won’t say it’s love

You just wanna pass the time

Fine

being with andrew brings him up, makes him happy, makes him FEEL something. nothing was gonna take him away from that. he would have followed andrew anywhere because he quite literally trusted andrew with his life. but the good days are over, (cut to baltimore) he’s being fucked up by his dad’s men and he thinks he’s gonna die then (cut to post baltimore) andrew does all this shit for him but STILL says he doesnt care ab neil and he just wants to pass the time. and neil is like, fine, what the fuck ever. if this is just a cheap fuck then by god im going to enjoy it while it lasts. and he’s starting to think andrew might feel *something*, but there’s no confirmation that can be seen by our lovely oblivious lil man.

Don’t stop, I know that it’s not what

I want but I need somebody to be mine

Oh god, I can’t tell you what’s up

I’m so deep in punch drunk, dumb love

I don’t ever wanna wake up

he doesnt want to be tied down. trusting someone and staying in one place for a long time? no. no way. that’s not something that neil abram josten does. he does not stay, he does not trust anyone, and by god he does NOT fall in love. but he gets to a point where he needs andrew. all he can think of in the hospital is the foxes and andrew, god, ANDREW, the prick he’s fallen in love with and can’t get out of love with. and he begs andrew to let him stay (post baltimore, hotel scene) because he NEEDS to stay, he NEEDS the foxes but more importantly he NEEDS andrew. but he’ll leave if he has to. he’ll leave if andrew asks him to because he cares more about andrew than he does himself, but he can’t explain any of this to andrew, because he’s never felt this before and he doesnt know what he’s even feeling. he just knows that somewhere along the line he fell head over heels into this situation for andrew and god he doesnt think he’ll ever be ready for it to end.

Got me brainwashed, everything is hazy

Am I killing time? Are you killin' me?

Mind games daily, why do I let you play me?

Do you get high watching me bleed?

(Now I’m bleeding out)

this part, for me, is more so a cut to the first book when andrew is just fuckin manic 24/7 because of his drugs. he drugs neil (brainwashed, hazy) and kidnaps him. neil is so stressed out by this situation that he doesn’t know who is winning in this stupid war he has with this psycho midget (am i killing time? are you killing me?). we all know andrew joseph minyard LOVES to torment neil even when shit is chill so he plays mind games with him constantly, and neil just lets it happen, because that’s who neil *is*. nathaniel wouldn’t stand for this shit, but that’s not the personality he’s portrayed and he isn’t eager to break character; not yet. and andrew always is so damn HAPPY, no matter what, bc of the drugs (again, first book for this verse). so the ‘do you get high watching me bleed?’ is like neil being like, do u really enjoy watching everyone around you hurt?? are you actually happy with all of this?

Running in circles while you hurt me, guess I deserve it

'Cause I just keep on worshiping you again and again

And I’m there when you call me 'cause I’m so– *beep*

I don’t want the misery to end

this part is a little tricky to explain canonically, i guess, but i attribute it once more to andrew denying his feelings. nora never explains it in the books, but i know from experience that this is SUCH a confusing scenario to be in. to have someone acting like they care and speaking differently. and neil must have been so confused (running in circles) but he feels he deserves it because it isnt like he’s trying to leave or anything, and he’s always there when andrew asks because like it or not, he’s attached. even tho this confusion sucks sometimes, and the whole hearted belief he has that andrew really does not care hurts beyond belief inside, he buries those feelings because he isnt ready to let andrew go.

that’s pretty much all of it; can you tell i’m obsessed with andreil?? i just love them so much. they’re so special to me. like, i dont think either of them ever saw a relationship coming; it just happened, and that’s what is so inherently beautiful to me about them. it started with a kiss, a ‘yes or no?’ and escalated from there. neil expected one day andrew was going to get bored of him, just like andrew always said he was. but he never did. he never will. 

so yeah!! hope u enjoyed xoxo see y’all soon <3

[uniformbravo]

having a full on existential crisis over an episode of anime i watched tonight

it all started with big time rush

in 2009 a sitcom called big time rush aired for the first time on nickelodeon; it was about a group of four teenaged boys from minnesota who move to hollywood under a famous producer to become his next big boy band sensation. a simple premise, launched into unprecedented success, resulting in four seasons of musical shenanigans, three full music albums, and three big concert tours, including international shows. the band, both fictional and real life, featured four attractive young men by the names of kendall, james, carlos, and logan. they quickly gained a fan base of mostly teenage girls, which resulted in online spaces created for the purpose of sharing their passion, and as is common in such online communities, this certainly involved fanfiction- lots of it.

enter me, a teen in high school who loved to write fanfiction. my big time journey began the day my younger sister decided to put on the show big time rush in the living room, where i sat at the family computer typing away. the noise caught my attention, and i got sucked into the episode. there was a boy wearing a dress on the screen. i became interested.

i watched more of the show. i typed its name into the search bar on the website fanfiction dot net. i had a friend at school who shared my interest in fanfiction, particularly of the slash variety. i introduced her to this new show i had been watching. she shared a fanfic she had enjoyed immensely with me. we dragged each other into the world of big time rush fanfiction reading and writing.

it took over my life; i lived and breathed big time rush. i began posting my own stories to fanfiction dot net. i received positive feedback; i met people. i made friends- two people in particular who became very close friends. we communicated through ffn’s private messaging system, then through email. we talked every day, we wrote stories for and with each other, we exchanged phone numbers. it was one of these friends who introduced me to the website called tumblr, where fellow fans of our beloved big time rush gathered and talked about it- a community.

it was a slow start- this website was new and unfamiliar to me- but eventually i got the hang of things and settled into my niche. i had fun, gained followers, met even more people. tumblr was a place not only for sharing one singular interest, but for accumulating all of your various interests and celebrating them in one place. it was through this aspect that i first learned of the up and coming band known as one direction.

they had released their first smash hit single and everyone was talking about it. i was wary, far too loyal to my beloved big time rush- but eventually i started to feel left out and in an effort to feel included, i decided to take the plunge and see what this “1d” was all about. it was intimidating, though- there was so much information, and no apparent beginner’s guide to tell me where to start. this drove me to making a post calling for a “one direction buddy” to take this role, to introduce me to all the most important aspects of this band. and my call was answered.

enter my wonderful friend cam, a follower of mine at the time. they were into both big time rush and one direction and were eager to provide me with all the information needed to get into 1d. while ultimately this venture didn’t amount to anything, as i lost interest in becoming a fan, my friendship with cam persisted and we grew very close. even as time went on and big time rush faded into the background to be replaced with newer, fresher interests, and our paths as fellow fandom members split, we kept in contact and remained friends. years and years of fandoms, years and years of friendship.

in the midst of the tenth year, cam developed a new interest, in a sport called ice hockey. as is tradition, they shared their passion with me, showing me their favorite team, highlighting their favorite members. we watched a game together. personally, i’ve never been one for sports, but i am quite into anime, which consists of many genres, including the “sports” genre. one in particular that i’ve enjoyed immensely in the past is the volleyball anime, haikyuu!!. this anime devotes a lot of time to explaining and depicting the sport in a way that makes it easy for any viewer to understand the rules and inner workings of volleyball. it’s exciting. it’s the first time i’ve ever even adjacently been invested in a sport. one could even call it a gateway into the world of sports.

all this to say, when i watched that game of ice hockey with cam, the same parts of my brain that loved haikyuu!! lit up and in a classic display of my specific brand of interest, i found myself yearning for the epic highs and lows of ice hockey, but in an animated format. an animated format originating in japan. a japanese animation. an anime. my curiosity burned a hole in my brain that resulted in a combination of the google search bar and the words, “hockey anime”.

to my disappointment, i found nothing- at least, not to the degree i was hoping. there is an upcoming anime, slated to air in the fall 2021 anime season, about a group of girls who form an ice hockey team together- as it is an original project rather than an adaptation, it remains to be seen whether the anime will fall into the category of “sports anime,” or if indeed it will lean much more closely to the “moe” genre. the latter is not what i had in mind during that particular search.

adding the anime called “pride of orange” to my “plan to watch” list on myanimelist dot com, i moved onto the next result: an article about an early 2010’s anime i had never heard of before. while not about the sport i was looking for, it featured a character whose signature weapon was a field hockey stick. it wasn’t even the right sport. it was a weak, insignificant link, but all was not lost.

i happen to have an affinity for watching anime i happen upon completely by random and know little to nothing about; i found the movie “anthem of the heart” purely coincidentally, when i searched the name “jun” as part of some research for one of my original characters and discovered that it was the main character of said movie, which i then watched and ended up enjoying quite a lot. another time, when i was at best buy one day i happened upon a dvd on their dedicated anime shelf for a movie called “hana and alice”, which i had never heard of before. i liked the box art, so i took a picture of it to remember the title and watched it on my own later that week; it became one of my favorite movies.

with these and other similar experiences in mind, i saved the anime in my “plan to watch” list, and, later that same week, began my watch of “sket dance.”

it’s a school comedy anime, one of my favorite genres, so it’s no surprise that after overcoming the initial skepticism i carry into every new show i watch it quickly became my new fixation. not an obsession, but something i was pleasantly surprised to find consistently enjoyable. the characters are fun, the humor is tight and fresh, and the stories are unexpectedly touching at the right moments. everything i like to see.

which brings us to tonight. the culmination of this ten plus year string of events and occurrences. getting into big time rush. joining tumblr. meeting cam. watching anime. searching for hockey anime.

i put down my apple(TM) pencil. i set my ipad aside. i downsized the ebook window i’d been referencing. i stretched; i was hungry and tired. i’d been rereading passages of various animorphs books all day. i needed a break. i needed to sit back with some food and an episode of my latest comfort watch, sket dance. it’d be nice to set the dramatic, tragic world of animorphs aside for something lighthearted and fun in its place.

well.

i sat down with my bowl of strawberries and played the episode. it finished. i watched another. this one broke the formula a bit, played with the art style. i was into it. the preview for the next episode was mysteriously blank, and short, stating only the title. it was intriguing. i’m down for the show to get a bit more serious for an episode, i thought. i’m down for some potential backstory for one of the main three. i’m ready.

i was not ready.

bruh.

b r u h .

next two episodes proceeded to take me out back and beat me to within an inch of my life, slowly at first and then all at once. barely made it out alive. questioning everything. how can a show, so silly and goofy, do that, to me. how could i let my guard down like that. how could i be so tricked, and deceived, and blindsided like this. i don’t know who to trust. i don’t know if i can trust again. whiplash so damaging, permanent. i thought i wanted answers. i thought i wanted to know backstory. i didn’t want this. i never wanted this. emptiness

how did it come to this, these twelve years of my life. had i known back then, would i have posted that fanfiction? would i have joined tumblr? would i have sook out a “one direction buddy”? a hollow husk of a person, i am left with only my thoughts to ponder this small history of mine. the things i could have done differently. the things others could have done differently. all these butterfly effect moments, adding up to what? culminating in what? it’s 2:26 am and i’m writing an essay on how shook i am over that episode instead of going to sleep. but i can’t just say nothing, you know? i need to put something out there, reach deep enough within myself to find the thing that’s still there, broken and huddled and tiny as it is. i need to feel some semblance of the self again. the me from before i watched this episode. the innocent version of myself, blissful in ignorance. it’s too late now.

that episode…………..was fucked up. that was seriously fucked up. im not okay bro they really just came in left field and slapped that in my face expecting me to get up and walk away just fine afterwards like No that isn’t how this Works y’all need to bundle some therapy sessions with ur episodes pullin that shit come ON

exhaustion is taking over the shock, i am simply tired now. i will fall asleep and when i wake up sket dance will be a happy fun show again with NO fucked up backstories ever Or Else. i’m fucking serious right now i’m gonna count to 3 and that shit better be retconned when i turn around,

screams

thank you

[anne-white-star]

Au (Young) prince jon pertwee x reader

Warnings: non

Paring : (young) jon pertwee x reader

Words : 5,840

Im sorry its so long i lost track of wrighting please do excuse me for any spelling mistakes and if its written weird this was writing over the span of three weeks because i also had to do my job in between, but i hope you enjoy reading and please let me know what you think 😊💖

Notes : reader is invited to a court presatation because she turned 18 and is of noble blood after the court presentation she can go to royal/noble balls/parties to look for a suitable husband. (Debutante dress = is a court presatation dress in case you are wondering) i tried to make it as acurate as posseble But i make things up here and there. This Plays somewhere between the late 1890s and the early 1910s. Y/n her family is really kind to their friends, servants and other people of lower class.

Other info : (m/f/n) mother 's friend name.... (P/s/n) Personal servant name

Y/n was sitting in the library of their mension reading when she heared her mother call her

"Y/n i have news for you" her mother walked in.

"What is it mother?" Asked y/n while placing her book that she was reading on the table

"I just got a letter from the Queen she invited us for the next up coming court presatation in the Buckingham palace"

"Oh really and what has it to do with me?"

"Wel now that you turned 18 you are oficialy of age now to look for a husband" her mother said smiling "And after the Court presentation you wil be able to go to royal parties, balls and banquets"

Y/n stood up "when is the presentation?'

"The ceremony begines around 2:00 thill 3:00 pm march 30th" awnserd her mother

"And what do i have to do now its februari 28th mother i have a whole month"

"Well" said her mother "we have to try Debutante dresses choose shoes and accessoires plus you need to practice."

"Practice what?"

"To precent yourself of course" said her mother

"Mother do i really have to"

"Yes dear you know your father and i exept the way you are but the Queen does not"

"Alright lets choose a dress first"

Y/n sighed "fine"

(You can Choose one of the dresses above)

After a whole day of trying on dresses y/n finaly found the one including the shoes

"Mother is it alright that i go to bed im extremly tired" asked y/n

"Sure my dear good night" said her mom

"Good night mother" said y/n while walking up the stairs to her bedroom

While walking past her fathers studdy she saw him sitting there reading trough some papers.

"Hello father how was your day today?" She asked while walking in

"Oh hello y/n it was alright I got the news from your mother that you are invited to the court presatation"

"Yes indeed im kinda nervous" y/n said while twirling her fingers

"Oh nothing to worry about dear if you practice good you will be able to get trough it"

"Thanks father im going to bed now i have been fitting dresses the whole day im really tired now" she said while giving her father a kiss on the forehead

"Good night dear"

⊱ ────── {⋅. ❖ .⋅} ────── ⊰

The next morning y/n woke up early and prepared her self to get ready for breakfast

"Good morning y/n" said her mother

"Morning" she replied

"Did you sleep wel dear?"

"Yes i did" smiled y/n and sat at the head of the table and started to eat

"Ready to choose the right accessoires today y/n?"

"Oh yes mother im looking forward to it" she said smiling

After breakfast y/n And her mother went to her parents bedroom, her mother walked up to a big wooden closet and opend the doors On one of the shelves was a soft pink box, She grabed it and went to y/n.

"In this box are some accessoires that you can chose from, these wer worn by my mother and myself at our first court presatations" she grabed the white gloves out of the box and gave them to y/n

Y/n looked in the box and saw a pearl choker a smal tiara a big diamond necklace and a hand fan plus veil with ostrich feathers.

"This is what i wore at the time" said her mother She set the box on the bed and grabed the chocker and put it around y/n's neck next she grabed the biger necklace "this bigger one wore my mother as wel and her mother before that" she clasped the necklace around y/n her neck as wel. Her mother smiled at y/n and looked in the full length mirror She grabed the tiara and placed it on her head

"you look so mutch like me when i wore that".

"when will i have to practes mother?".

"Next week dear"

⊱ ────── {⋅. ❖ .⋅} ────── ⊰

March 9th

Today y/n would go to practes her presatation a friend of her mother would come and help her.

When afternoon came around her mother brought her friend in

"y/n you remember (mother best friend name)"

"Oh yes i do"

"Oh Look at you, you look so mutch like your mother it was just like yesterday that i hold you for the first time" she gave y/n a big hug

"Shal we go and practice now?" Asked her mother

Everything was set up for the practice, two chairs a long big rug and there wer some servants of the house who wer there to help. Y/n wore a dress kinda similar to a debutant dress but it was for practice

"Alright y/n when you present yourself to the Queen you have to bow, how does it go you come trough that door you walk over to us and bow but not a normal bow you get really low your knee almost toutch the ground kiss your mother her hand after that while you get up gracefully you grab the train of your dress again and put it over the same arm like you had before you walked in and walk out of the room. We wil be practicing the up comming 2 weeks so that you wil do it correct" said the (m/f/n).

Y/n nodded "good". Y/n walked out of the room to the door one of her personal servants was waiting

"I bet that you wil do it good y/n" said (p/s/n) he/she smiled at her.

(P/s/n) grabed the court train from y/n her arm and placed it behind her, y/n stood up straight a fake bouqet of arteficial flowers in hand, she walked out of the room not to fast and not to slow, y/n walked to her mother grabed her hand and went in a bow she kisses her mothers hand then she let go and reached for her court train she tried to stand up But the lost balance and fell over.

"are you alright dear?" Asked her mother

"Oh yeah im alright how did i do for the first time?"

"That was pretty good for the first time you looked like a natural" said her (m/f/n)

"Should i try again?" Asked y/n

"Sure dear you did wel but you have to work on your balance" said her mother giving y/n a soft smile

Y/n tried over and over again to do it right but everytime she tried to stand up the fell over because she could not keep her balance y/n her mother stood up from her chair and walked over to her daughter

"Y/n are you alright" asked her mother

"Yes" said y/n while wiping her tears away "im just so disapointed in myself, i can't even do a simple thing like standing up gracefully"

(M/f/n) walked over "we just keep practcing we have two more weeks to go"

"Lets have some tea and take a break"

Y/n was about to stand up but fell down again "i have enough now!" She took off her heels and trew them to the other side of the room but while the heels wer thrown the heel of the left shoe broke off

(P/s/n) walked to get the shoe and turned around "look y/n i think this i why you kept falling over" she showed them the shoe

"Lucky enough are those shoes for practice" said (m/f/n)

"Yes indeed"

⊱ ────── {⋅. ❖ .⋅} ────── ⊰

March 30th

Finaly the day came of the court presatation y/n was dressed up in her gown and had her bouqet of flowers conciderd out of

White Lisianthus, White Gypsophila, White/Green Monte Casino Asters, Pink Hydrangea, Pink roses, pink astibe, dust miller.

they wer absolutly beautyfull, she walked up to their cariage and sat down, her mother was also dressed up in a presatation gown.

"Are you ready for today y/n?"

"Yes mother" y/n smiled

They arived at the Buckingham palace, y/n got up and grabed her court train and got out her mother followed. there were many young man and ladys who were present and walked in trough the big doors her mother linked y/n her arm trough hers and followed the other people.

When they came in to a big hall women wer lined up and all the men went in to the drawing room of the palace, they lined up behind the other women y/n was kinda nervous and her mother saw that.

"Y/n are you alright dear?"

"Im just nervous mother"

Her mother smiled and squeesed y/n her hand "oh sweety its Alright take a deep breath"

About 30 minuts later it was y/n her turn a royal servant took the train from y/n her arm and placed it behind her, Their name was called out by one of the servants "may i present to you (y/m/n) and y/n (l/n)"

her mother went with her in to the drawing room nobel men,women and the king and queen wer ther y/n walked gracefully head held high steady steps her mother bowed and so did y/n, y/n grabed the hand of the Queen and kissed it and then let go, she grabbed the train of her dress placed it over her arm and stood up and walked out of the drawing room with her mother. Y/n let go of a breath and smiled "you did so wel sweetheart" her mother said to her.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ❖ .⋅} ────── ⊰

April 13th

About 2 weeks later they got an other invatation

"Y/n we got an other letter dear its for an invatation to a ball at Buckingham palace" said her mother

Her father sat in his chair reading the news paper "when is it (y/m/n)?"

"In a week she replied"

Y/n sat up straight "in a week? then i have to chose my accessoires" she stood up and walked up the stairs to her bedroom. Once in her bedroom she opend the closet and grabed a box with all kind of accessoires, tiara's, necklace's, wristbands, earings. And many more. Then she remembered the box she got for her 18th birthday. Y/n placed the box back in her clossed and grabbed the one she got for her birthday, she had not opend it yet because her mother had said that its for her first ball

In the box was a pair of white shoes, a tiara/crown, a diamond necklace and a pearl choker with a pink quartz/diamond, a pair of diamond pearl earing, a diamond opal bracelet and a carnete de ball handfan.

Her mother walked in "you like it y/n?" She asked smiling softly while sitting next to her on the bed

"Oh its loveley" said y/n with tears in her eyes

"Tomorow we are going to fit dresses and you can choose whatever design of dress you like"

Y/n stood up and did a twirl oh "i can't wait for the ball" she grabbed her mothers hand and twirled her around as wel and started to giggle, her mother smiled and said "you just look so mutch like me when i got the invatation i was so exited and thats how i met your father",

"You met father at your first ball? Wow it sounds like a real fairytail" y/n had a dreamy look in her eyes.

The next day y/n and her mother went to fit dresses for the ball many girls war walking in and out of the store, they walked in and looked at the dresses they lined the walls all kind of colors purple, pink, yellow, blue and manny more. One of the workers of the shop walked up to them and asked "hello welkom to our shop how can i help you"

"Wel we are looking for a dress for my daughter She's going to her first ball"

"I see, follow me" said the employe

Hours went by and y/n just could not find the right dress when she walked in to an other room she saw other ball gowns, she walked back to her mother "mother i have seen some dresses in the other room can we please look at them?" Her mother nodded

After fitting more dresses y/n finaly found the perfect dress

⊱ ────── {⋅. ❖ .⋅} ────── ⊰

April 20th

The day of the ball

Everybody was ready the cariage was waiting to take them to Buckingham palace y/n her parents were waiting for their daughter. Y/n was still getting ready with the help of (p/s/n). "You look absolutely beautyfull y/n" she placed the tiara on y/n her head

"Thank you (p/s/n)" smiled y/n she stood up and walked out of her bedroom " take the evening off you deserve it and thanks for helping (p/s/n)" y/n walked down the stairs out of the door, Y/n took her seat and the cariage went on its way.       

When they arived at the palace there wer many people just like at the court presatation she saw many other cariages. Y/n her parents got out of the cariage when they got out then her father hold out his hand and y/n grabed it helping her out she stood next to her father and he smiled "You look so mutch like your mother" y/n blushed "thank you father"

Her mother put her hand on y/n her shoulder "y/n remember the hand fan that was in the box" y/n nodded "Good wel when you have danced with a person you note their name on the hand fan in that case you wil know who is who"

After her mother was done explaining they went inside the palace they followed the music manny young men and women were on the ballroom floor dancing some wer drinking some wine on the side. Y/n followed her parents to a group of people who wer chatting with echoter. They introduced y/n to some of the males in the group her parents wer already deep in conversation that they din't see a man walking up to her he bowed to y/n and asked "may i have this dance madam?" Y/n replied "yes of course" he took her hand and leaded her to the ballroom floor

He had brown curly hair blue eyes and a kind face he was wearing a suit with medals and golden trims

"Whats your name?" she asked

"My name is John Devon Roland de Perthuis de Laillevault but you can call me jon for short miss, but whats the name of this beautyfull women in front of me?" Jon asked smiling.

"My name is y/n l/n" she replied with a smile

"A beautyfull name for a beautyfull women"  

When they arived on the ball room floor the music started to play again he placed his right hand on her hip and the left on her shoulder. Y/n her left hand grabbed her skirt and her right hand grabbed jon's left hand, and they started to dance to the walz.

"You are really great at the walz miss y/n i never met someone who could dance as good as you"

"Oh thank you" blushes y/n

When the dance ended jon wished her goodbye but then she relised "wait!" she went after him

"Yes?" He turned around

"How Do you spell your full name?" She asked blushing

Jon laughed "shall i write it down for you?"

Y/n nodded and gave him her hand fan and pencil "will i see you again?" She asked

"Of course" he gave her the pencil and hand fan back,"see you later miss y/l/n" he said with a smile and he walked away.    

A few minutes later a man with blond hair and blue eyes walked up to her

"May i have this dance please?" He bowed

"Yes of course" she replied and put her hand in his.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ❖ .⋅} ────── ⊰

About a few hours later y/n had a few names on her hand fan wich included

Peter Malcolm Gordon Moffett, Thomas Stewart Baker, Percy James Patrick Kent-Smith, David John McDonald,

She walked back to her parents who wer standing on the side talking with some people

"Ah y/n there you are are you enjoying your self"  her father asked

"Yes im enjoying myself" she smiled  

"May i see your hand fan dear?"asked her mother

Y/n gave her the hand fan and her mother looked over the names then she saw a name of somone really important "y/n dear have you danced with John Devon Roland de Perthuis de Laillevault?" Her mother asked in a hussed tone

"Um is something wrong with that?"

"No not at all but do you know who that is?" Y/n shook her head "y/n he's a prince you have dance with one of the royals"

Sundenly it clicked she had danced with a royal, a prince non the less  

Her mother gave y/n back her hand fan " you can go and get something to drink dear" her mother smiled and turned back to the people who she was talking with

Y/n walked way to the table to get something to drink

"Miss y/l/n" she turned around hearing somone saying her last name, when she turned around there stood jon smiling at her "Hello" she said smiling sofly.

"going for a drink i see" jon also grabbed a glass from the table and took a sip

She nodded while looking around the ball room "I really do enjoy my first ball but my feet hurt from dancing" she giggled

Jon took the last sip from his wine glass "follow me i wanna show you something"

Y/n followed after jon up to the the grand stairs they went to the first floor to the east wing of the palace, jon hold open the door to the center room "we are here" y/n looked around the room "um jon i really don't want to be rude but i should not be here" she looked doen grabbing her skirt with one hand

Jon walked to the balcony doors And opend them, he than walked back over to y/n " why not? I mean im here im aloud to be here so are you" he grabed her hand sofly. She looked up and gave a soft smile. Jon grined and walked her over to the balcony "the sky is beautyfull tonight" jon said looking up, she followed his gaze to the sky and she lost her breath "its beautyfull", jon grabed a chair and set it down for y/n "please do sit down and rest your feet"  

     Y/n sat down and jon walked back in to get an other chair she took off her shoes and start to rub her feet "I think i have blisters on my feet" she said gigeling. Jon came back with the chair and sat down next to her "are you alright?" "Hmm yeah i am" she turned to face him "are you sure?". "Yeah but i don't think im going to dance for a month" y/n laughed and jon joined in. "I never met someone like you, you are not like most women i met at this ball and other parties". "Is that a good thing or?". "I mean it in a good way don't worry".

Y/n and jon chat for an other hour when y/n said "Jon what time is it?". "one moment" jon stood up went to look at the grand clock then she heared the chimes of big ben and she counted them "1.....2.....3.....4.....5.....6......7.....8....9...10...11....12 its mid night i should go my parents said we would leave at 12" y/n stood up and grabed her shoes and put them on "should i escort you to your carriage?". "Yeah sure" jon offered y/n her arm and walked her down the stairs people wer leaving and some wer wispering among them selfs while they saw the prince walk down the stairs with a women who they din't really know.

They walked outside to the carriage. "Y/n there you are" said her mother, she bowed down to jon "your highness" jon held up his hand "there is no need for that" he smiled. Jon looked at y/n her father "your daughter is quite a special one". "What did you do y/n?". "She did nothig wrong don't worry". "Let's go home its late and i bet that y/n is really tired". Y/n her mother climbed in to the carriage and then her father followed. "Wil we see echoter again?" Asked y/n "i know we wil" jon said smiling.

Y/n sat in the carriage as wel next to the carriage stood a big flower pot with red roses he plucked one and gave it to her. "Thank you" she smiled. "Until next time" He bowed. The carriage rode away jon waved after her and so did y/n. She sat back down once jon was out of sight. "So what did you two do?" Asked her father. " nothig we sat and talked". "But where did you go we could not see you anywere". "We went to the  center room i had to sit down because my feet hurt". "I see, wel you can take a rest tomorow" her mother smiled.

Once home y/n walked up the stairs to her bedroom and started to dress for bed after she was done she got under the blankets and fell asleep dreaming of jon.             

⊱ ────── {⋅. ❖ .⋅} ────── ⊰

A few weeks later..

Y/n was sitting outside in her back garden reading a book when she heared the sound of horses and the weels of a carriage then it stoped wich means it had stoped before their house then she heared her mother call "y/n would you see who that is dear?". "Yes of course!" Y/n placed her book aside and stood up she walked down the path next to the house wich was shaded by trees and bushes.

When y/n got to the front of the house there stood the carriage but not any carriage but the royal carriage. lackey opend the door and shouted "may i present to you his royal highness John Devon Roland de Perthuis de Laillevault!" After his name was anounced jon stepped out and looked around when then his eyes fell on y/n " hello y/n its great to see you again" he said while walking up to her. " jon what are you doing here? How did you find my adress?" She asked smiling "i had to ask my parents for your aderess" he said while rubing his neck. Y/n smiled and grabed his hand "come with me i'll show you the way to the garden" going down the same path jon had to duck to avoid the tree branches.

when they got in the back garden y/n her parents wer sitting drinking some tea "mother, father look who's here" her parents looked up "your highness" said her mother "please just call me jon" he said smiling "please do sit down" y/n her father gestured at a chair "I will get some more tea" y/n went inside. "So Jon tell us why are you here?". "Wel after the ball and a few weeks after that i could not take my mind of your daughter" y/n her mother smiled "I understand". "and i want to get to know her better and start a relationship". "What do you think y/m/n?". "I give my consent" she said smiling. "So do i" her husband said.

When y/n came back with the tea and sat down "y/n I have a question for you". "Yes what is it jon?". "I was wondering if we could start a relationship with echoter because i just haven't been abel to get you out of my mind". Y/n smiled and grabed his hand "I would love to" her parents smiled at them when they looked at jon and y/n sitting there they saw them self when they wer younger.

Jon stayed the night over at their house in the guest room wich was next to y/n's, jon was staring at the seling when he heared a knok on the bedroom door, jon got out of bed and walked to the door and opend it, there stood y/n in a night gown and a candel labra "hello" she smiled "hello y/n whats wrong?", "I could not sleep what about you?", "me neither i was just staring at nothing" he grined, "may i come in?", "yes sure". y/n walked in and put the candel labra on the bed side table and walked to the balcony doors And opend them

"I readed in the news paper that there would be shooting stars tonight" y/n walked outside to sit on the chairs who stood on the balcony, jon walked outside and sat down next to her. "Look!", jon looked up in shock at the sky but when he looked up he saw stars shooting trough the sky it was absolutly beautyfull, y/n was in aw Jon looked from the sky back at y/n she was absolutly beautyfull her eyes glinsterd like stars. About an hour y/n fell asleep, jon picked her up and braught her back to her own room he placed her in bed he blowed out the candels and went back to his own room and fell asleep on his bed   

The next day they all had breakfast with echoter "would you all mind comming back with me to Buckingham palace to meet my parents?" Jon asked "oh i would love to, can we please go?" "Yes sure dear" her mother smiled    

After breakfast y/n and her parents prepared them self to go back to Buckingham palace with jon, jon was waiting for them to get ready y/n was the one who was done first she walked down the stairs towarts jon he held his arm out to her and she took it a "I just can't wait to meet your parents" she said while leaning her head on his shoulder". a few minuts later y/n her parents also came from the stairs they walked outside to the carriage that was waiting for them the lackey opend the door and let them in jon held out his hand to help her in the carriage. She sat down and jon sat next to her and her parents went to sit opposite them.

After the carriage arived at Buckingham palace jon his parents wer waiting for them once they stept out they aproced jon's parents. "Father mother this is y/n y/l/n and these are her parents y/f/n and y/m/n" y/n her parents bowed and so did y/n. "Its so Nice to meet you" jon his mother said. "Its an honor to meet you your highness". "Oh no need to be so formal just call me Avice, this is my husband roland". " Its Nice to meet you" he kissed y/n her hand and did the same to her mother and shook her fathers hand. "please follow us to the white drawing room" they followed them and sat down on the coutch "our son has been talking a lot about you sinds the ball". "Only good things i hope" y/n giggled. Jon's mother smiled she knew that she's the perfect girl for her son.

After they talked jon and y/n went to the garden of the palace and went to take a walk "your parents are so Nice" smiled y/n while they walked past the lake y/n looked at the water when her eyes fell on something "jon look ducks" he followed her gaze "would you like to sit down?" y/n nodded jon took off his jacked and layed it on the ground "My lady" he said grinning "thank you" she giggled back. "Its so peacefull here" jon humed in respond.

That night everybody went to bed y/n went to her guest room that was located next to jon's while her parents bedroom was opposite of them. What they din't know was that when y/n and jon had been outside early that day they wer talking about the relationship of their children and that if they would get maried they would exept it because that they could get along so wel.

The next few months went like this And later on they would stay for a week at echoters house.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ❖ .⋅} ────── ⊰

Jon's parents decided to give a outside party at Buckingham palace it was warm outside and the sky was blue. A big picknick was prepared in the afternoon, people war enjoying them self music was playing some people wer dancing. Jon stood up "shal we go for a little walk?" He asked while holding his hand out for y/n to take "yes of course" she placed her hand in his jon helped her up, "its so Nice that your parents invited our family's" smilled y/n "wel i heared that there is someone who will make a big announcement" jon said. " Oh really? I dint know that do you know who the person is who's going to make the announcement?" Jon shook his head "no i don't know".

When they got back jon's father saw that he came back with y/n from the walk he tapt his wife on the shoulder "avice, think its the best moment now that jon makes the announcement" his wife nodded "i think he knows when to do it darling" jon came back they had they had a secret sign jon nodded to his father wich ment that he is ready roland stood up "dear ladies and gentlemen there is someone with is who would like to make an announcement" he gesures to his son. Jon "yes like my father said i would like to make an announcement" he turned to y/n "y/n the day sinds i met you on the night of the ball i knew we would go wel togetter, and with all those months that i have known you those wer the best months of my life And thats why i want to ask an important question" jon went down on his knee and pulled out a red velvet box with a ring "dear y/n l/n Do you want to be my wife?" Y/n had tears in her eyes and her hand over her mouth, everybody was looking at her waiting for the awnser. "YES! a milion times YES!" everybody started clapping and cheering. Y/n huged jon, he spun her around and hold her close.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ❖ .⋅} ────── ⊰

The day of the wedding

Y/n woke up early to get prepared for her special day. taking A bath, fitting her dress, do her hair and make up, jon also prepared him self they could not see echoter thill the wedding. Y/n her mother in law walked up to her with a box "this is for you my dear" she handed her the box, y/n opend it in the box was a beautyfull tiara with diamonds and pearls "I wore this on my wedding day now i want you to have it" avice grabed the tiara and put it on y/n her head "so now you look like a real princess". "Oh before i forget" avice grabed an other box and handed y/n a piece of paper it readed "big congatulations to the new couple, here is my wedding gift to you, Greatings from the Queen of England" she opend the box and there was a diamond necklace with a diamond heart. "Its absolutly gorgeous" she clasped the necklace around her neck. 

Y/n her mother walked in "Oh sweetheart you look absolutely beautyfull", "thanks mother",  "we have two more hours thill the wedding". Y/n nodded and smiled "I can't believe im going to get maried" she cried happy tears Her mother huged her "Oh darling we are so proud of you our little girl".

Jon got in his cariage with his and y/n her father 30 minuts before y/n did and they left for Westminster Abbey. People wer standing on the side of the road waving at them. 30 minuts later y/n got in her own cariage together with her mother and mother in law, "im so nervous", " don't worry dear you wil get trough this". When they arived they went to a separate room 10 more minuts before the wedding started. Jon stood at the altar waiting for her with his parents next to them, people sat down in their chairs. There wer so many people friends, family, nobels and royals. Music started to play wich indicated that the wedding had started y/n took her father's arm and he walked her down the aisle. The music stoped when y/n stood at the altar

The priest spoke"Welcome friends, family and nobles today we have gathered to tie the knot between these two young lovers, John Devon Roland de Perthuis de Laillevault and (your full name)", please repeat after me.

"I, (Bride/Groom), take (you/thee) (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; and I promise to be faithful to you until death parts us."

"I, John Devon Roland de Perthuis de Laillevault, take (your full name), to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; and I promise to be faithful to you until death parts us."

He grabed the ring and put it on y/n her finger

"I, (your full name), take John Devon Roland de Perthuis de Laillevault, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; and I promise to be faithful to you until death parts us."

Y/n did the same and put the ring on jon his finger as wel

"Now that you both have committed yourselves to one another and to your Holy Union through the sacred vows that you have taken and by the giving and receiving of these rings, I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride"

Jon kissed y/n and everybody stood up and clapped for the bride and groom, jon and y/n walked down the aisle the bells wer ringing sending the newly wedd couple on their way people outside wer cheering for them. Y/n and jon walked down the stairs to the carriage that was waiting for them.

it was pulled by four white horses, they got in and sat down they rode away people linned the streets clapping and cheering flower peddals wer thrown it was absolutly beautyfull. Jon and y/n kissed as they rode back to the palace

⊱ ────── {⋅. ❖ .⋅} ────── ⊰

A few years later y/n and jon welcomed a beautyfull girl named Dariel de Perthuis de Laillevault and boy named sean de Perthuis de Laillevault in the world

And they lived happy ever after

The end

I hope you enjoyed reading im sorry its so long 😅

And please let me know what you thought about it thank you 😊🌹🌹      

[overflowchute]

waaaaah im sad lately for no big reason

i am SO sad lately. oh my GOD. i feel like there’s some sort of bleak mass that’s settled within my stomach and won’t go away. i just wanna run about and scream and scream and scream! i can’t get into anything fun or interesting and i can’t motivate myself to do any work! and if that’s true, what can i do but just spin my wheels, sit here and feel bad and unable to change anything and hope it passes? i was doing so well for ages because i had something to do but now im so aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh

i miss school, but there’s no point focusing on that. i don’t know WHAT i can do at this point. i guess i need to find some goal to focus on, or maybe even try to figure out if there’s any distance work i can do... or call the mental health people and see if they can help me, i dunno. but it’s just so FRUSTRATING - you know when you’re not really sad for any specific reason (well, im probably actually sad about the pandemic in general to some degree, since it’s limiting my options. but i’m also just sad about being poor and not wanting to do all these works and stuff) and so you end up sad for EVERY reason? i wanna flail my limbs and rattle my bones!

all my hyperfixations have fallen out of my head and i’m left with basically nothing, too, or that sort of frustrating situation where you’re playing your games but you can really tell you’re just going through the motions, reading books and constantly being filled with this feeling of how sad stories all are, trying to look for happy things but not really quite able to absorb them. i could chat with people or try to come up with something but it all feels one step away from me, like no matter what i do it can’t punch through to have a lasting effect on the true me. not even my kitties are making me happy! what does it even mean when i can’t even feel joy from my lovely little cats, who have only happiness and friendliness and silliness to offer?!

i feel like i have to change something. like i have to start getting my life in order or finding some binding rule to aim at or, i don’t know, SOMETHING to obsess over. i’m so close. i want to find it. i want to be free of this MORASS i’ve found myself trapped in. i just want to escape this feeling? i want to live life, to feel joy, to be happy. could it be that i have SADS, i wonder, that struck the moment it started getting dark and cold what could it be, what could it be...

i’ve made little venty messages like this over and over the last, uh, week or so? has it been more than a week? good god, i can’t tell! good lord, it must have been like 10 days now. hrm. i think it definitely was starting as i read steel ball run just a bit ago, especially since the ending was so bittersweet. a combination of that, the pandemic, me doing my last day of election work and settling into having no idea what i’d do after that, having no money, not enjoying some games, aaaagh! what a boiler of madness! i’m reading men at arms by terry pratchett and sort of enjoying it, but i can’t help but feel a sort of sorrow, as if by the time i finish it i’ll have exhausted a vein (it’s one of the last watch books i haven’t read, ironically one of the very first even). and it just seems like i’m seeing the negative side of everything lately, for no real reason at all!

oh, how i want to be happy, how i want to feel better! i think trying to fix my sleep has helped, although an unfortunate attack of tooth decay related sinus nonsense has done its damnedest to harass me back down into hell today. i’ve been trying to watch the original yugioh, but i must admit it’s rather slow paced and as much as i’d enjoy the idea of trying to experience it and its sequels just for the nonsense aspects and curiosity regarding their plot, i am really wearing myself down beyond the brink of caring at some point. is it worth it? i’d like to be able to say it is, but dang, it’s tough too. maybe i need to give myself a break to wander about and find something interesting to look at.

i think something that happened recently is that i’ve fundamentally started finding a lot of stories i was once quite interested in and history itself to be extremely depressing! there was a time when this would never bother me, but alas, somehow it’d decided to do so. must be at least 10 days now, right? ohhhhhh, i wish to moan and flail my arms about and rattle in the wind like a copse of trees. but i cannot! oh, i cannot! i want to get out of the house and just walk around places! perhaps i’ll try to figure out somewhere i could do such a thing. i have songs i need to compose by the end of the month for my patreon, i have art i should try to make, alas, i have so much i need to do! if only i can drive myself to perform those things, and dredge myself out of this muck!

truly, depression is a most sickening thing. i will have to exert all forces available to me to escape it