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theacewithoutgrace · 2 years ago

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Hey so uh I had a nightmare whoops if you wanna read it go ahead ig

tl;dr — lucid dreams are fucking horrifying if you aren't careful (semi exaggerating but you'll see my point)

also tw for a bunch of stuff considering its a nightmare i dont exactly know all the stufff to tag rn but there'll be a warning when it starts getting bad

if you'd like me to tag everything tho just say please i dont wanna offend or scar anybody sniff

it started off with me in class, except the class was the room of a computer science tuition i went to for only a month in 2020. i had this fur coat too and either my art or english teacher was presenting something, i dont know

then my eyelids started getting heavy, so i put my head on the desk and fell asleep for a bit. literally just by this fact alone i think i already knew it was somewhat of a lucid dream, but my dreamself didnt mention it in the plot. i did wake up once here and then go back to sleep while like leaning on my friend sitting next to me, who just let me sleep cause she's irl famous for always sleeping in class

she woke me up when it was over and we had to switch classes, i dont remember the conversation but i talked to the girls near me in line while going downstairs. its what id usually do normally too, nothing seemed out of the place. it was all really natural in the moment at least, now its all just eerie since im lowkey traumatized by everything coming up holy shit

i immediately fell asleep in the new class too once i got there. also i only notice this later on, but the whole room was so strange. there were a lot lot of broken light fixtures on the ceiling leaking water, and the floor was constantly wet and had these really ugly ass dirt looking black and white marble tiles. try imagining that classroom from the one fight scene in mob psycho 100 where the school just evaporates. i think it was on the 2nd floor

the leading teacher woke me up and told me to go outside for a ceremony because i apparently got selected as one of the candidates for this competition (which i actually gave a submission for just yesterday) i didnt take it seriously, and was still tired, so i went back to sleep. when i awoke, everybody had left- it was just be by my lonesome. i looked outside and the ceremony just then ended too. still not registering that it wasnt real, i ran outside upon spotting my mother in the crowd

when i reached the end of the stairs, i was inside this pub bar thing with all of the other candidates and their parents. apparently my parents just took the uh, 'certificates' they gave. it was like, flowers in vases? i got 3? im not sure what this means, i dont remember the type of flowers. i got mostly red ones, other kids had other types too, it has literally nothing to do eith the actual event i submitted for tho

between the class and the pub scene was when things started getting eerie for me, its when i noticed all of the off broken things in the classroom. i cant fully explain it, but it all started feeling just noticeably slightly off,,,,,,,

there was a great time skip, and i was in my own room, wearing the clothes i am in right now. it was 1am, and it felt like it was ramadan?? i dont know how to explain how it 'felt' like a literal religious month but ok. i think it has to do with everyone still being awake and the cleaning. oh yea, so, when i went to my parents room, some of my classmates were there cleaning and repairing stuff. my parents said they asked them to help when they were at school while i was asleep

everyone in the house was awake doing stuff, all the lights were on and it was noisy, but i clearly knew it was 1am. i think i mightve seen a clock but im not sure if im just remembering seeing the actual clock at 1am before i went to sleep irl. so after my classmates left, i sat next to the door along with two girls from the grade above me. i dont even know who they are, but i just knew somehow i guess

i was talking to them about calculators, specifically about how some older models sometimes give wrong answers and how i liked that my one worked perfectly without me having to switch into degree mode or something. i kept getting interrupted, and actually couldnt finish explaining it to them, cause my social studies teacher was also there? and needed to leave through the door i was in front of? ok then

it time skipped just a little bit more again, and i was upstairs in the 5th floor (im on the 3rd). well, i say 5th floor, but this place doesnt look like the actual 5th floor, its entirely different. ive been to this place in my dream a few times already now, so it kinda felt normal. the 'living room' was really small, the only way i know how to describe it is like its half of a resort hotel's bathroom. the fancy-yet-outdated-design counters and beige yellow cream brown and maroon colour palettes and all. although i dont see it in this dream, the bedrooms look like the old and new house of one of my mom's friends

my aunt offered me some chocolate banana bread, and i ate it while seating in this weird place, i could barely even put the plate on the table cause it was shaped weirdly. this aunt of mine always offers me food when i go to her room, so ive had dreams before where i eat food in this weird dream room. but this time, my grandma and other aunt were there? and they were gossiping about something having to do with me? they first mentioned the weird table counter but then they went onto something else. dream me didnt hear anything - or i just dont remember, but, at then it almost felt like they knew what was going to happen next. like they were talking about how im a poor little meow meow and will have to go through all the upcoming shit

i was above average uncomfortable and left, and then arrived back on the 3rd floor. ok now look i swear it feels like a alot of shit happened here somewhere in this dream but i dont exactly remember. we're getting close to the end of this now.

i was in my parents' room, everything looked normal. it was around 6 - 7pm? again, not sure how i knew, just felt it. it was really windy and the windows kept shaking, so i tried to hold it down for funsies. thats when i noticed,, these pipes? In my eyes they just suddenly appeared out of nowhere, but after seeing them it felt like they were there the whole time, without me noticing. the steampunk-esque pipes were like all across the room btw. I actually even saw them in the part where my classmates appeared, but i didnt enter the room at that time

I first saw the pipes when looking at the top of my window, it was dented somehow without the glass being broken, and the pipe went through it and outside. i started semi panicking, while my eyes traced the pipes back into my room, and saw them everywhere. i looked back outside the window after opening it, it was somehow morning again. as soon as i looked, there was a small explosion. a huge smoke cloud blew into my face, there were people outside my house, screaming

this scene particularly made me start actually panicking, because there was a fire near my house around a month ago maybe? and at the time, it was really scary - as everyone in my house thought our house was the one on fire, due to the way the smoke came. my aunt and i were the first ones to see it, and it looked exactly like the way i saw in my dream. i really didnt wanna live through that moment again

ok so uhm tw it gets really gorey here? mentions of death, blood, violence, such and such

i closed my window, and laid down in my bed halfway sitting, trying to comprehend everything. it was back to the 6 - 7pm again, but this time it was heavy raining. i really didn't want to, but my dream self opened up the window again, and,,,, there was this woman, being stabbed by some guy. there was screaming, and people running around everywhere. the people on the street heard it, there were running, they saw it, they know it, but no one came to help her. i was horrified, but no matter how hard i tried to peel away from the window, close my eyes, and block it all out,, i couldnt stop staring. i couldnt control anything anymore, yet i was practically already completely awake at this point. i wanted to wake up.

i was trying super hard to blink, just merely shut my eyes, practically begging my dream self to do so. it worked for a little bit but it wasnt enough. i finally stopped when i heard my mother's voice in the living room. i finally closed my eyes, the screaming and sounds of heavy storms stopped. i waited for a few seconds to calm myself down before going back to the goal of waking up in real life

except, i couldnt open my eyes anymore. i felt myself blinking intensely, desperately trying to see the room i was sleeping in irl, but it was all black and reddish. i was on the verge of tears pls - and when i finally managed to open my eyes, it was only halfway. i kept blinking over and over, saying repeatedly that i wanted to wake up

and then, i did. i saw the room, the room in real life. i was actually awake for a few seconds. but, i couldnt move. i still wasnt fully awake, every part of me was tired. i wanted to get up and run away so badly, and yet, when i blinked again, i was back to the dream world. however, i was able to get up

i ran to the living room, all of my family was there. i asked them, if it was finally all over, if i was awake for real now. they sat silent, all just staring at me. I knew it, I'm still in the dream, aren't I? I wanted to scream, and cry so badly. I tried too, but it was no use. I couldnt go any louder than this specific limit. If I tried, it sounded like i was aggressively whispering while losing my voice. the screams of the woman in my front yard were so vivid, yet i couldnt. yknow that fun fact about how your thinking voice while reading also cant be louder than how it usually is? i think it has to do with that actually. so yea, not-so-fun fact

i looked at my parents, trying to find an answer, a way to get out of this mess. I wished they could help me, they could tell me, and they could hold me in their arms and tell me everything's alright, that it's over now. But they too, were silent. I ran back to my parents' room, and they were there, on the bed, smoking cigarettes? my mom doesnt even smoke, but my dad does smoke everything in existence other than weed so eh. they were also the younger versions of themselves? Just above 18 i would say? I kept pleading for the way out, but they kinda just continued smoking, slightly grinning. kinda making fun of me i guess?

in the end i just dropped to the floor, knees all wobbly, crying - well, crying but, no tears were flowing, and i couldnt make a sound. i think i eventually passed out in the dream from being overwhelmed, and once again, i woke up in the real world. I could move, I shouldn't moved, I should've stood up and walked away from the bed. but y'see, I already was sleep deprived, and had less than an hour of horrible sleep - I was tired ok. I ended up just staring at the ceiling trying to calm my breathing for a few minutes, before accidentally falling asleep again. I actually did consider leaving the room at that time, but uh, I was afraid that seeing the uhm, not safe things in the kitchen while in a mental state like that would give me thought i really did not need

i was back in the living room of that dream world. at this point, i kinda accepted that id be stuck there for a while. i'll just wake up to my alarm to go to school, yea? its going to be ok - everything would be fine, as long as i just did nothing. it will only feel like a few minutes right? it'll be morning any time now. i hoped. anyway, my aunt said something to me before going to her room to sleep. i knew that there was nobody else in the house somehow too. things were pretty quiet for a few minutes. i just kinda looked around, trying to comprehend everything

then suddenly, miku (the vocaloid in case you didnt know ndjhjsjd) showed up? not her usual clothes, but like casual summer short sleeve white crop top with shorts look with her hair down. the plot went down like it was dating sim now?? i mean, there was still no 'plot' but yk what i mean shh. it kinda went like, those my talking tom games? or the ddlc talking to monika thing? it was just miku talking to me, though i dont remember anything that was said. okok but then, i somehow triggered a cutscene? which looked like those 'emotional montages' of lovers having a reunion at the beach during sunset or something, but it was just in my living room.

the important part is how it ended tho. i twirled miku around a few times holding her hands, grabbed her by the waist, then threw her up. she started floating, like it a slowmotion scene, but she ultimately came back down when i grabbed her again. it happened directly below where the ceiling fan was. when it ended, i was thinking - wow, it actually isnt that bad this time. maybe i wont be traumatized further, bleh. for some reason, the cutscene repeated, and,, i really shouldn't have done it, i don't know why i didn't do it willingly by myself, but, my sanity was probably slipping away. when miku started floating,,, i was curious, what would happen if i just, purposely not pull her down,? would my brain allow it to happen? would it really make me see,,,?

when miku floated up, i wanted to see how my brain would even create the image for me, of miku, being chopped up by the ceiling fan. i can somehow still remember, the way she grabbed arm, telling me to stop, telling me to please not let go - and I, forcefully shoved her away? And in the end, I didn't see it happen, but I heard her screams. and saw her laying on the sofa, bleeding out with her head half open- and she started like, having a breakdown, like she suddenly understood that she isn't real and that the dating sim esque thing was fake, that it wasn't all cupcakes and rainbows?

the were bloodstains everywhere, on the ceiling, walls, floors, on myself - my vision had a red tint too, and the room was shaky like an acid trip or something. this weirdass deformed baby thing appeared too?? think of like, the regular show artstyle, but semi 3D. everything was loud. miku crying, her echoes wailing, the baby thing pointing and laughing at me, insulting and shaming me- apparently i just- couldnt take it anymore- its literally all in my head, so its not like its illegal, but its still a horrible thing to do i guess. i just began kicking the cursed baby thing. it wasnt human afterall. everytime it passed out, it became a more deformed version. it eventually turned into this weird green thing that looked like slime in a transparent sack. imagine one of those stress toy type stuff but gooey.

the dream finally, actually ended, when i gave up kicking the thing, and threw the leftovers in the trash. up until the final moment, everything was still loud and ringing in my head. the laughing and screaming. when i woke up, i still couldnt really believe it. but i felt the coldness of the air conditioner and heard the super loud sound of the fan next to me, so it had to be real. i checked the time on my phone, and relied washed over me (i only got an hour of sleep apparenly) but, that relied didn't last for long since i started crying nfjndjhd. ive had sadder, more worse dreams, where my parents die or something. but somehow, this dream really affected me alot- ive never had a dream quite thing gorey i know at least

ive been kinda purposefully staying up for a few days now, only sleeping after really really exhausting myself so my brain wont have the time or energy to put me back there again. also because im afraid but ok- also, the reason i googled hatsune miku horror games was because i swear ive seen games where it was creepy and almost just like this. where everything was fine until you do something wrong. but, i think i mightve been thinking of a mix of ddlc and this game called 'can your pet'. which, i watched back in 2017 or something?? also, i mightve thought of miku in a horror game because of the vocaloid song 'bacterial infection'

uhm anyways, if you read this, i apologize, sorry, you probably shouldve stopped huh- this is probably trauma dumping or something i dont even know im sorry s o b

#tw gore #long post

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militant-holy-knight · 5 years ago

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AN alleged ‘lone wolf’ terrorist planned to target a Barcelona-Real Madrid match with a drone carrying explosives, it was claimed today. The 33-year-old Moroccan confided his twisted idea to police after his arrest, according to a leading Spanish TV station.

Barcelona-based newspaper El Periodico, which published more details about his sick ‘drone plan’, said he was forced to ditch the project for a knife attack after football matches were banned because of coronavirus. It also claimed the out-of-work waiter told a Syrian-based Islamic State mentor blamed for helping to radicalise him before his arrest: “One of these days I’ll die.

“I’m going to be a meat mincing machine. I’m not afraid.” ‘IMMINENT ATTACK’

Police sources quoted by the newspaper said they were working on the theory he was planning to use a knife in an “imminent attack” on people queuing for food outside a supermarket or travelling by tube in Barcelona. Spanish press have named the suspect, said to have lost his job and moved in with a Good Samaritan colleague after the cafe-bar where he worked closed down during the Covid-19 lockdown, as Mohammed Yassin.

The name and the drone claims have not been confirmed by police as is normal in Spain – where suspects are never usually named before trial. Spanish police described him as a “real threat to security” when they announced his arrest and said he had wanted to carry out a terrorist act which could have involved the use of knives or a vehicle as a weapon. The Civil Guard added in a statement at the time, referring to ISIS by its acronym DAESH: “The arrested man’s radicalisation and affinity for DAESH dates back at least four years.

During the current state of emergency that process of radicalisation culminated and became highly noticeable and worrying. The initial police hypothesis linked this extreme activation of his activity to DAESH calls for lone wolves in western countries to mobilise and carry out attacks in the towns and cities where they lived. Since the spread of coronavirus throughout Europe, several terrorist attacks committed by sole individuals have taken place, using knives or vehicles to run over victims.

The man arrested has been observed regularly breaching the coronavirus confinement established as part of the state of emergency. He was seen moving around Barcelona and appearing to search for possible objectives.

It’s so dumb for Westerners to refer to ISIS thugs as Daesh. It makes sense for Arabs to do it because it’s in their language, but you really need to call the monster by it’s name.

#terrorism #news #rants

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fr3aklike-me · 3 years ago

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tw// dark/nazi germany mention

so cabaret is a musical that takes place in a cabaret club where you can be whoever you want to be (sex/race/gender/etc) in 1930s germany and it’s really sad because it’s slowly revealed that some of the characters are nazis and they’re trying to navigate relationships basically ??? its really complex and dark so thats the way simplified version but because its so complicated thats the best i can do but hopefully that made sense!

and omg new girl! its one of if not my favorite show. basically jess is the new girl and she moves into this LA loft with 3 other guys and its very friends esque but better in my opinion just because i think its more authentic/enjoyable but thats just me lol

aw im ramadan is going well so far! my days been good! i went to target and meal prepped for the week so im feeling ready for the week which is really nice! also gonna do some laundry and hopefully enjoy the rest of my evening!

-💌

tw: nazi mention

whoa, okay, so basically, when in the club, you can pretty much choose to be whatever you want, in terms of sex, race, gender, etc.? whoa. whoa. oh, my goodness. I already know I'm going to search this up and read on it. I find that so interesting, because delving into a concept like that, where anyone can choose whatever they want in terms of how they exist as a person - it leaves so much room to explore humanity, and historical contexts, and the psychology behind people. I love stories like that, that really delve into the human complex. and for sure, it sounds extremely complex, but I definitely will read more on it. and you totally made sense! are they navigating relationships, like trying to figure out romantic relationships? or all kinds?

waitttt omg I have been watching Friends for years, it is definitely a comfort show of mine. and this show, with what it’s about, sounds so comforting and light. I'll definitely consider it bc I need a new comfort show to back up on, haha

it is, hehe! although, I literally slept in till 2PM today, which is something I haven’t done in years omg. at least the day gets to fly by, haha, I'm also surprising one of my best friends tonight for her birthday! oooh, meal prepping, look at you! that’s so great. what kind of stuff do you like eating? and that sounds like such a nice and relaxing evening, how did it go?

#answered asks #💌 anon

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enchantedpendant · 4 years ago

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i did 4 in this first week of forensics (nearly did 5 but one family refused an autopsy). 2 were... tragic crashes that left bodies that were not pleasant to look at and a work to stitch up, i’ll leave it at that. the other two were patients from the ward, fortunately much less of a traumatic sight. i just did my fourth one tonight, and for the first time it was a patient younger than me.

under the cut: thoughts about death

he wasn’t even 19. he went on a motorcycle ride with his friend yesterday night, his friend rode the motorcycle with a helmet on, he didnt have a helmet on (this is an awfully common occurrence among the many patients, living or dead, ive come across within this single week and i can no longer look at people on the road driving motorcycles without helmets on the same). the family we talked to didn’t know the details of the accident, but it seems like it was a single accident. he was conscious at the time of the accident, vomited and had a seizure and was quickly brought to our hospital’s ED, managed and admitted into the ward. he spent only a day in the hospital.

aside from the single, slightly opened eye, he looked like he was asleep and he could’ve just woken up at any moment. rigor mortis hadn’t completely set in yet.

i really can’t help but think.... this boy really had a whole life before him... and then it was all gone, so quickly. it was just one motorcycle ride, one time without his helmet, one single accident. thinking about the guilt that his friend must feel is scary. thinking about the absolute sorrow his family feels is.... unthinkable. how quick everything was. how close the “if only”s could feel despite the infinite distance of the past.

tonight feels like another reminder of mortality, perhaps even a stronger one than the ones before, probably because of how young he was. goes to show how death is so close. no one truly knows how much time they have. no one is ever promised their next breath. all those dreams we have of where we would be next year, next decade.... when we could never even be sure if we’d make it through the night.

phew. i feel like any word i try to put into use right now doesnt do justice to what im actually feeling right now. now ig i better try to put this into a more positive spin lol....

a positive spin to this is... i guess... lets try to live everyday like its our last. lets try to not hurt others because we’re never promised a chance to apologize. lets try to be honest with our feelings, to our own selves and to others, tell our loved ones that we love them because we’re never promised a next chance to say it. and again, we won’t ever be able to try and evade death, but at least lets try to make it so that we’ll meet our ends in a way that we wouldn’t mind.

and perhaps more of a personal update: this first week in forensics have been exhausting. much more tiring than i expected. perhaps especially mentally exhausting. aside from that, physically, i feel like i havent been getting good night sleep... somehow (maybe i’ve let it all get to me a bit too much?) so i’ve ended up taking long naps which has made my circadian rhythm quite disastrous lol. aside from the academic side of it, all the journals and papers and presentations etc etc.... being around all these deaths have been tiring. i havent been around this much death until now, and at this point i feel like i could truly recognize what a blessing that is.

plus, it’s ramadan! so far within this week we had only been spared (lol) of a case on the first night of ramadan. tbh i feel like spending this year’s ramadan in forensics could.... affect me quite significantly, hopefully in a good way.

a (not-so-accurate) depiction of me during my first autopsy earlier today

under the cut: descriptions of gore

several minutes before 8am after nearly losing my mind in the traffic jam (inside the hospital area, imagine!), we were told that we had a body to examine.

a body was found on a railroad and the police brought it over earlier in the morning. it was a 49 year old man, identified and we had a copy of his ID (he was stated to be married), but no one came for him. somehow i ended up being the documenter and took all photos, every step of the way, on my phone. the body was inside of two layers of black bags. we unzipped the bags and... well, as expected from a body ran over by a train, it was a mess. all that's left of the left leg was half a femur bone and the muscles, fasciae, adipose tissues, and torn skins (barely) enveloping it. the skull was crushed, cerebral contents spilled, blood from every orifice. a big rip on the lower left abdomen down to the genitals, intestines spilled out. the face was deformed, mandible dislocated, you could barely imagine how the body looked while alive (and somehow i think this helps me not get too spooked out by it? like maybe my brain could barely recognize the body in front of me as a dead human?). ribs, pelvic bones, all crushed, sharp and crepitated. ya get the idea. there were pants, underpants, a t-shirt, and a hoodie on the body, all torn (obviously). we had to cut it off of it. the body was on its front so we had to roll it over onto its back, thats when we really saw how much blood there was and thats when the smell finally hit. we documented each wounds (i photographed it all on my phone). and then we stitched the body up. there were a lot to stitch up so we shared. i got to work on the hole on the abdomen, put the intestines inside and stitched along the inguinal line.

i sure hope what im gonna say doesnt sound weird, but i felt happy when i got done stitching it up and saw how much tidier the body looked than before we started working on it. i like to think that we did what little good we could do to this man who had met his very unfortunate end. forensics is one of the few departments here that do not have their own residency, so a lot of the works are delegated directly to the med students. so ig this was... the most hands-on i've been on a patient. i also feel like i want to thank the man for "allowing" us to work on his body and learn a lot from him. obviously i dont know anything about him aside from his identity and that he died around midnight ran over by a train, but i'd like to put aside theories of what could possibly lead up to that moment and think that he was a good person, or at the very least, at the end of his life, he did a good thing and gave us a good lesson.

personally i feel like today's experience also served as a humbling reminder of death. how close it really is, how we never really know when it's coming for us. how inevitable it is. we can't really try to not die, but ig we could try to die in a way we wouldn't mind. i noticed i was a lot more careful when i drove back home today, i thought i didnt want to end up nor cause anyone else to end up in such a... messy end.

anyways, in case anyone read this far: be careful! be careful on the road, regardless if you're walking or on any sort of vehicle. be careful around railroads! stay safe!

(oh and also i immediately moved all the photos to the laptop of my friend who was currently on duty lol i'd rather not traumatize my future self or any poor soul who's gonna look through my phone gallery with some surprise gore)

(and ive also been thinking about how i barely blinked at this whole.. no, this unwhole body, but got my head spinning and was so close to puking at the mere sight of a placenta during a c-section. like what is it about the placenta?? i remember it being like a large jiggly bloody jelly and UGH i lowkey get a bit light-headed just describing it lol. again doubting my possibility for a future in obgyn.)

#cw death #dani tries to survive med school #forensics

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perfectionistincrisis · 7 years ago

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Day 81

i keep talking to myself all the time - no not cause im mad or alone - but like i said earlier - i pretend like its ‘him’ and just him. meaning, no, im not those people who talk to themselves cause they enjoy doing it, or like um neither those who talk to themselves cause they dont have anyone else to talk to - but rather, -i-just-talk-to-him-

wow, no that was a nice way to put it out there. so much for defending myself lol

ok so im kinda energetic - as in -my mood is- i am not, physically energetic though. i mean i just spent the last hour and a half in bed scrolling through my phone until my phone shut off cause it ran out of charge and only then i dragged myself slowly to the washroom to pee which i shouldve done 60 minutes ago. so yeah - very lazy

speaking of time. WTH is going on with this world? i feel like the number of seconds in one minute is a subject to small rise and falls like the world currencies! I mean seriously, i swear nowadays “1 minute” = “EIGHTY seconds” No Kidding!!!! It all started from after fajr today!!!!!

yeah so after fajr today, at first i kind of blanked out - as in - that rush, impatience and i dont even know how to describe it - kinda feeling i was telling? about missing him and all that? like i need some action something to happen and wow this is such an off season - so yeah i was kind of stuck in my chair,, just switching from one social media to another doing nothing literally other than idk - trying to fast forward life and hit play somewhere cool ugh ok

so then something happened and it cheered me up and i got on the treadmill as was planned. usually do 3 hours but i knew doing 3 now, including my tiny 3-5 min breaks every 30 mins would take too long

anyways ended up doing two hours at around 7 30 and then was too tired to take a shower so i just pulled a bed sheet from my closet and slept on the floor, cause no way im putting my stinky body to bed.

when i got up, prayed zuhr and YESSS i did the one hour i skipped in the morning and yeah well thats pretty much it for the day. i mean then i sat and ate and then went to the hosp came back, chilled and still chilling right now as im typing :)

oh something i said yesterday about how i wish life was full of action like in movies. like i just wish it was although i know its BS thats totally against how this life works. whats more surprising is how i actually wish for stupid stuff - i mean you know how on social media - one gets to present themselves the way they want. i mean you can be anything. happy sad widow married depressed gay - its like - its in your hands - how do you want to present yourself to the world mam? yeah you get my point? but like i lot of people fall for it. you look into others posts and you might wonder how their life is so wonderful and yours is not, how someones life is picture perfect and yours is not and BLABLABLA but Lol - i neverrrrr fell for that. pretty much cause i sugar coat my life too loool

Its actually funny - im actually laughing - anyways where im getting at with this is - i was thinking about it - i mean for someone like me who never fell for all the crap people put up on display on social media - i sure am one hell of a dreamer to ‘wish’ for a busy ‘movie-like’ all colorful life. But then again in my defense - those are real people and people are full of crap so yeah i dont fall for their shit but i mean a movie is a well organised script being played out - ofcourse you ‘wishing’ for something like it is acceptable yasss (whatever makes you sleep at night:3 )

Also i assure you my vocabulary aint that poor, i just seem to lose my words when im posting anything here. mostly cause i have no words - everything is so messy and twisty and complicated Ugh

Also its really weird that i feel like a days just passed by too fast this week. i mean i mustve slipped. i mean im like a human clock. lol i mean it. i mean when im not on vacation - and you ask me the time, anytime - my guesses are so close to accurate - like im aware of every second ticking by - now, im just saying im aware of it - that doesnt really mean i make the most out of time - but then i do know how precious it is, and i do feel like crap when im just shitting it away. and just randomly wasting time is one thing, but trust me when you are aware youre doing shit - ouch that burns!

so august is coming, and i was kind of planning on fasting - i mean i didnt fast in july cause i wanted to get used to working out and fasting would just be disturbing. but yeah now its almost august and i think i should fast - for like the whole month - yeah :) cause i barely fasted for i think 8 days this Ramadan i need to make all the rest of it up. AND THEN AFTER THAT, it is sunnah but not one im actually brave enough to do to be honest but but but i think i have no choice - i mean i think i have to fast like every monday or thursday every week - cause i have a lot and a lot of fasting to do to make up for ALLLLL the ones i missed my entire life and trust me thats quite a lot - not the normal amount any girl would miss - cause ive been having problems and so i had to skip a lot and stuff - and i never kept an exact count - well actually its impossible cause its been a problem for years but then i do have to admit that i never tried either - cause idk- i guess i kind of took it as - oh cmon its just fasting - i mean i think i missed around 20 roughly - so ill just fast 30 - thatll cover it up plus ill fast extra - which is a good thing and blabla all that random thoughts!

anyways i should now just focus on the 30 i wna fast for this year, in august but idk i have to come up with some legit plan where my work out schedule fits in perfectly too. both are important to me, and im not choosing one over the other, i dont want to and i dont have to inshaAllah

oh just a random thing - but i go for brands! Meaning, you know if something is sold by a really well known brand youd obviously expect it to have good quality and most of the time yes youre right. sometimes, nope! but then there are things which are not “branded” but the quality is amazing, and the price? well most of the time it is cheaper, but yeah i guess sometimes the price is almost similar - well the thing is - i am the type of person - whod want the brand name on PLUS the quality. like if there were 2 bags for example or two shoes, SAME quality, but one is cheaper ONLY cause it does not have a famous brand name on it - i am definitely the person whod pay wayyyy wayyy more for the branded one! - SO now you know the type of person i am :) :) :) :)

Lol im sure that kind of information is something a lot of people would use to judge someone :3 But then im not all so irrational loool - like thats definitely something that is “goals” for me! I mean, i am a medical student being financially supported by my dad right now and will be for atleast the next 3 years. ATLEAST! ATLEAST! ATLEAST!

SO yeah im not saying i cant afford branded products right now but i sure am not comfortable living a life of luxury at this phase of my life. I want to earn it. With my own sweat and energy. I want to tell myself that i deserve it. So yeah, thats the type of person i am but im not currently ‘practicing’ it like religion and one day IF i do, i know it will be something i earned and something Allah will not be unhappy with, because I am not planning to disappoint Him

Okay enough with that. i really dont need to talk about it as long as i know ill be alright inshaAllah

Oh something really interesting - so i REALLY REALLY need to smile. like NOT “smile more” but like “SMILE” for gods sake hahhaha. I mean idk - its like i hate people so much and idk i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me, and its not like i even care or want them to like me and thats exactly why im like all -pokerface-pokerface- but like cmooooon! if youre really talking to someone, something as simple as a short interaction in the hospital for example with the receptionist or pharmacist - i mean cmoon - just smile a little? i mean i REALLY need to work on it. cause if i am planning on being a doctor - OH PLEASE - smiling is part of the job OH WAKE UP LADYYY!!!!!!!

but like im not kidding - like i just said - i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me. and ofcourse its not true, i mean MOST people dont even know me. like in the hospital i went to today for example - whyd everyone hate me? :) i mean idk its just something i feel. its weird. but sheeeeeet. have to work on it. fake a smile honey :)

Okay and idk how wrong or right it is. but i thought of it and i dont feel like there is any harm to it. Like, id like to have the idea in my head that me and him, we love each other and we are meant to be together one day. inshaAllah. For which i always and always pray to Him and ask from Him. But as of right now, we are not together. but deep deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeeeeeep and deeeeeeeeeeep’errr in my heart i keep telling myself that. We are.

now idk if its wrong, or right - but - i believe it is not making me do something which might anger my Lord. All what it does is calm my heart. a little. And so i guess its okay! At least for now, i cant let go of the idea. Not today <3 Tada, guess thats enough for today!

xox

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thegreatgapyearglowup-blog · 5 years ago

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30/05/2019

So its been a hot minute since i’ve been on this.

I’ve made unintentional progress and dropped 6kg due to sickness. But now i’ve gained back 2kg and i’m -4kg. Its a great start. I want to maintain that small weightloss at least. Due to it being ramadan i’m not eating as much- basically one meal a day. Ramadan is over in 5 days and im pretty worried about the back lash and suddenly gaining it all back and more. Hopefully, i’ll get back to the gym and I can finally progress. I’m going to start eating uber healthy these last days of ramadan so I can drop some weight to fit into my Eid dress. Wish me luck!

Sidenote: i turn 19 in 2 months and yikes i wanted to be healthy by then. Where has the time gone 😭.

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rapunzhel · 7 years ago

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my thoughts on ship of the dead

this book. this book. Rick finally put out a good book. by the end of it i felt like i was back in the era of house of hades. i adored it.

spoilers below

background knowledge: i came into this series purely for alex fierro. i did not read sword of summer when it came out. once the character of alex had been revealed i hastily ordered both and sped through them. i literally devoured sword of summer just so i could jump into hammer of thor. i loved alex, and i liked the idea of magnus and alex falling for each other. i appreciated sam. but other than that i had no real connection to this series.

until this book. this book changed all of that.

i read it in one sitting, the night i got home from school. and i fell in love with every single character. i actually liked magnus in this book. he felt like a real rick riordan narrator. i ADORED alex. everything about alex’s character was perfect. when she kissed magnus on the ice my heart broke and rehealed. when he kissed magnus in his room and got covered in chocolate i jumped up from where i was sat and squealed. well. i would have squealed. it was quite late and the rest of my family was asleep. i loved their arc, and i really appreciate that Rick didnt just put them together happy couple la-di-da. they both like each other, that much is clear, but theyre going to have to work for it. theyre no percabeth. also, is this the first time a boy has kissed a boy in a rick book? im not sure if apollo did.

but on to the rest of the characters. when Sam came in and said it was ramadan, i was warey. i wasnt sure how Rick was going to go about it. But i do think he did it really nicely. (i am not muslim though so bare that in mind). Sam was kickass in this book, in fact she has been in all of them. but this book being so good meant that i finally properly noticed it.

blitz and hearth, for some reason, they are the characters i find myself caring about least. and i do wish Rick had put them together. but hey ho you cant have everything. yeah. that’s all i really have to say about them. great guys

the rest of the floor. I fell so hard for Mallory in this book. mainly because she’s irish and i could hear her accent loud and proud. and TJ. i love that man. so great. so powerful. wonderful. and gunderson. love him.

my thoughts have gone a little all over the place, so im gonna try and centre my self and end this. i was so worried about the flyting. i could have been ridiculous. but. in my opinion. that is the best climax of a series rick has ever written. its at least on par with last olympian. i got. so hyped up. i felt all of magnus’ passion in my bones.

i read something that said how the end of this book left them feeling slightly hopeless. and i couldnt disagree more. i left this book so happy and hopeful for magnus and alex’s future. i dont want to leave them behind, i want to stay with them forever. it was a beautfiul ending.

now weve got to find out what the hades happened in New Rome. if Rick has killed anyone i dont know what i’ll do.

#also note this rick is completely seperate to the rick who made reyna not a lesbian #that rick sucks ass #this rick did a pretty good job #ship of the dead spoilers #ship of the dead

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alexanderdroznin · 7 years ago

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Day 1: Tuesday, June 20, 2017 (Ramadan 25). Refuge.

The RS volunteers gather in the dining room of Hotel Manthos at 8:30 AM, where they have breakfast together before the morning briefing. I. N. gets them to practice their Greek as they come down the stairs: “Ti kanis?” (”How are you?”), she asks, to which the appropriate response (as written on her sheet of useful phrases) is “Ime kala, efharisto” (”I am fine, thank you”). Breakfast is served buffet-style; as the volunteers shuffle in, T. K. offers to prepare eggs to order for anyone wanting a heartier meal.

Three volunteers are returning home to Barcelona today after having spent two weeks here. B. S., her son F. S., and his friend N. Z. had never done this kind of volunteering before. They join the group for breakfast before their late-morning train to Thessaloniki. The rest of the volunteers will remain for at least another week as RS wraps up and transitions out of Alexandreia. There are eight of them in total - all are women, all but one are university students in their early twenties, and all but one have been at the camp for at least a week. B. C., E. H., and S. D. (whose first day is today) are from the UK; D. B. is from Cyprus; E. S. is from Latvia; A. B. is from Australia; T. B. is from New Zealand; and M. O. is from Mexico.

Toward the end of breakfast, the group is joined by A. R., an American in his mid-20s who has been working full-time here as a site coordinator; and J. S., a South African-born Briton in his 60s who is the co-director of RS (https://www.refugeesupport.eu/). With the other co-director, P. H., away on a fundraising tour of the UK, J. S. has been overseeing RS’s ground operations across four Greek camps. He will leave Alexandreia later in the day and drive to Ioannina, 137 miles to the southwest, where he is needed for a World Refugee Day event.

Indeed, today is a day for raising awareness of the situation of a staggering 25.4 million refugees and 68.5 million persons of concern (as estimated by the UN) around the world. If the global population of refugees were to constitute a country, it’s population would be larger than Australia’s. If all the persons of concern were to do the same, their country would be larger than Italy, France, and the United Kingdom.

Breakfast ends at 9, and A. R. and M. O. (who has been operating in a volunteer-coordinator capacity, despite being one of the youngest members of the group) begin the meeting. They go around the room asking about the previous day’s work: what went well, what didn’t go well, what could be improved. RS’s work has gone through many changes over its fourteen months in Alexandreia - when the camp first opened in 2016, there was effectively no infrastructure, and living conditions were brutal - and with it being RS’s last week here, some services have already wrapped up. The camp boutique, for instance - where volunteers maintained a sewing station and distributed clothes, shoes, and various non-food items to residents - was closed last week.

Yesterday, the volunteers operated four stations: the kitchen, the shop, children’s activities, and the warehouse (which is 3.5 miles south of the camp, in the village of Niselli). These stations are expected to continue until RS’s last day at the camp.

In the kitchen, the volunteers help two male residents, A. A. (22; Damascus, Syria) and O. A. (27; Mosul, Iraq), prepare dinner. The typical fare is a combination of meat stew, rice or bulgur, and Arab salad. Despite there being a mess hall adjacent to the kitchen, it has not been used for the last month - it is Ramadan, after all, so the residents take their food back to their units to be eaten after the sun sets around 8:30. A. A. and O. A. speak English very well and have formed close bonds with the volunteers, who often rely on them as translators in interactions with other residents.

In the shop, the volunteers distribute food and toiletries to residents through a points system, which supplements the stipend they receive monthly from the Greek government. Adults and children over the age of 13 get 100 points/week; children under 13 get 75 points/week; and pregnant and nursing women get 150 points/week. Residents generally come in once a week, and families will either shop together or delegate shopping duties to one person. Although the points system is non-monetary, 10 points corresponds roughly to 1 euro.

RS subsidizes the cost of fruits and vegetables, and most toiletries are complimentary (although residents are asked to take only one per person). Most of the foodstuffs are non-perishable canned goods, but there are also fresh fruits and vegetables, milk, eggs, cheese, and butter (the shop has a refrigerator). Because of cost and storage constraints, meat is not provided. The shop is usually staffed by two volunteers, one of whom checks and updates a database of item values and individual point allocations, while the other helps the shoppers find, weigh, and bag their items. On particularly busy days, a third volunteer might be called over to keep the younger children occupied - there is a small arts and crafts area at the front of the shop - while their parents shop, or to help resolve disputes.

The most common causes of disputes are: an individual trying to shop for a neighbor, or presenting an ID card belonging to someone who has already left the camp; and how points are allocated or added up. The language barrier between residents and volunteers sometimes results in miscommunication, in which case the volunteers call over a resident who can translate. Fortunately, many of the children who come in to shop with their parents have some basic English skills. After a shopper’s information is confirmed, they proceed into the main area of the shop, where they can browse for as long as they like through neat shelves, display crates of fruits and vegetables, and the refrigerator.

Children’s activities serve three functions at the camp: they allow for a kind of structured chaos that breaks up an otherwise monotonous daily routine; they give the children something to do outside of their housing units and the makeshift camp schoolhouse; and they help manage overcrowding in the shop. Depending on the children who are out and about at a given time, the activities can involve sports or arts and crafts. The camp’s central plaza has a basketball court, a small soccer pitch, and a playground (which RS volunteers helped build in the early days of the camp). Sometimes the children organize games among themselves as the volunteers look on, while other times the volunteers are more involved.

There is little shade in the plaza, and the recent heat wave (during which temperatures have regularly risen above 100 degrees) has made sports a less popular choice than arts and crafts. Crowding around one of the trees or picnic tables by the central plaza, the children play with chalk, sticker packs, coloring books, and colorful modelling clay.

As in the shop, the volunteers deal with disputes here, too. The most common issues are a child feeling that others are getting more (or better) toys and materials, not wanting to share, or trying to take things home with them. There have been cases of children throwing rocks at each other. For the volunteers, dispute resolution falls in a gray area of appropriate conduct. Besides separating children who fight and subsequently notifying their parents or a responsible adult resident, there is little that can be done. On top of that, the language barrier adds to the difficulty of communicating discipline to the children. Like the activities themselves, perhaps the playground squabbles also grow out of the tedium of refugee childhood.

3.5 miles south of the camp, in the village of Niselli, RS rents out a warehouse that serves as the logistical hub for its operations in Greece. Although there are smaller storage facilities near all of the camps, the one in Niselli is the first stop for construction materials, non-perishable foodstuffs, and donated clothing, shoes, and toys. Volunteers sort items upon arrival into boxes and crates, and place them onto wooden pallets or on the warehouse-length shelves that were built by the first volunteers. As needed, items are packed into cars or moving vans, and transported to Alexandreia or the other three camps.

Because of RS’s impending departure, the final week at the warehouse is spent differently: shelves are deconstructed, loose items are sorted, pallets are loaded to capacity and stretch-wrapped, and a final inventory is taken. Most of the items will be loaded onto two trailer-trucks next Tuesday and transported to a smaller facility near the Katsikas camp. Inessential or unportable items will remain in the warehouse, access to which will be given over to the Greek military officer at Alexandreia for him to manage as he sees fit.

Back at the morning briefing, M. O. assigns today’s roles (which are rotated throughout the week) to the volunteers before ceding the floor to J. S. He begins with an expression of gratitude to B. S., F. S., and N. Z. for their work, and reminds the group to keep raising awareness about the refugee crisis after they leave Greece. He meditates on the origins of World Refugee Day and relates it to all that RS has accomplished in its short lifetime. Finally, he welcomes S. D. to the team; her ability to drive stick will be indispensable as the need to shuttle people and materials between the camp and warehouse increases over the next week. J. S. asks her and the other volunteers, should they decide to stay on for subsequent weeks, to be flexible about which of the other camps they are sent to.

The meeting is adjourned at 9:30, and the volunteers are given some time to return to their rooms, gather their day-packs, change into camp-appropriate attire (blue RS T-shirts for all; full-length pants for the women), and fill up their water bottles. The group, now joined by I. N., gathers outside the hotel for one final photo with B. S., F. S., and N. Z. before bidding them farewell. The remaining volunteers pile into the two cars; S. D., being a British driver, is immediately unnerved by the realization that the steering configuration and rules of the road are for right-hand traffic. Today, the short drive to the camp is a slow and steady one.

Driving eastwards from the hotel along Greek National Road 4, which merges into Road 1 about three-quarters of a mile down the way, the camp is impossible to miss - it is to the right of the road, just outside the town limits. To the west of the camp are the local athletic club and soccer pitch; to the north and east are expanses of farmland; and across the road are a gas station and an auto repair shop. A small concrete-block wall surrounds the camp. Above it, a chicken-wire fence and two lines of barbed wire complete the barrier. A passer-by can easily see over the wall and through the fence. There is a tall structure resembling a water tower by the western wall. From the road, one can make out several derelict one- and three-story concrete buildings.

The camp is on the site of a decommissioned military installation, roughly 9 acres large, and is administered through a joint effort of the Greek government and military. There used to be a helicopter division stationed here. Security for the camp is provided by the local police department, which sends one or two officers at a time to man the guardhouse by the entrance. As the volunteers drive in, the young man on duty disinterestedly looks up and waves them through. Technically, all residents, aid workers, volunteers, and visitors must show identification upon entering the camp. The rule is almost never followed. Moreover, the guardhouse is observed to be empty a few times over the course of the week.

The residents of the camp live in containerized housing units organized into six blocks: A, B, C, D, E, and M. There are between twenty and forty units in each block. Past the guardhouse, to the left, is the mess hall, where the kitchen and pantry are located; straight ahead lies the residential sector; and to the right is the central plaza, which includes picnic tables, a basketball hoop, the playground, and a small artificial soccer pitch built by previous RS volunteers.

RS operates from the north side of the plaza, out of the first floor of a three-story building next to the UN Refugee Agency’s (UNHCR) container. There are three rooms: a shop, a boutique, and a storeroom. Across the plaza, two one-story buildings have been turned into a school and a medical and counseling clinic, and behind them is a public toilet. On the west side of the plaza, a lone one-story building serves as a women’s center.

With regard to utilities, the camp is electrified by a pair of diesel generators that are refueled by a local energy company; plumbing has been installed only in the public toilet and a special building in the residential sector where residents wash their clothes; garbage is collected by a local waste management company; and there is a weak Wi-Fi signal throughout the camp.

The containerized housing units are, compared to tents and collapsible refugee housing units, a longer-term solution to the problem of shelter. As with most of the infrastructure here, they were set up by UNHCR in the fall of 2016, replacing the preceding temporary emergency relief tents. While the climate in Alexandreia is Mediterranean, a particularly cold winter and heavy snowfalls forced the change from tents. Each steel-frame unit is 20 feet long and 8 feet wide, with a lockable door and two windows. These new units have given the camp an air of permanence.

Although the units were put in prior to the winter, UNHCR did not install HVAC systems until the spring. Consequently, during the coldest months, the temperature inside the units was only slightly higher than outdoors, often dipping below freezing overnight. Residents kept themselves warm with blankets and space heaters, the latter of which were confiscated by site management after the winter due to fire safety concerns. By the spring, full electrification of the units allowed UNHCR to bring in HVAC systems, small refrigerators, and electric hot plates. After the military ceased hot-food distribution in the spring, the residents started making home-cooked meals using products from both the local supermarket and RS’s shop.

UNHCR recommends that each unit have no more than four occupants, but to avoid breaking up families, this guideline is often ignored. If possible, larger families are housed in two adjacent units, which may be connected to each other by patio-like spaces built from plywood and tarp left over from the tents. Another common scenario involves a small group of unrelated young men (who arrive at the camp around the same time) being housed together.

The volunteers gather in the shop for a final meeting before dispersing to their stations. The day is broken up into morning and afternoon shifts, with a lunch break in-between. With the boutique now closed, and the kitchen operating only in the afternoon (for the preparation of dinner), the focus this morning is on the shop and the warehouse. Before opening the shop at 10:30, the volunteers sweep the floor, restock the shelves, remove spoiled produce and replace it with fresh produce from the storeroom, and check the database to get a sense of how many shoppers should be expected. While the number of morning shoppers varies, Ramadan sleep patterns and a spate of muggy weather have kept the shop relatively quiet in the mornings.

As a Ramadan treat, RS has been providing the residents with extra food this month. In the shop, they are given 0.25 kg of dried Tunisian dates, per person in their housing unit. These do not count against their point balances. The residents appear to enjoy the dates, which are especially popular with the children (since the shop does not carry sweet items beyond sugar, jam, and honey).

In addition to the dates, the volunteers have been going door-to-door, once a week, to distribute pita bread. There are few vendors in Greece who sell Syrian-style bread, and the major distributor is located far away in Athens. Instead, RS has been buying the bread from a Bulgarian vendor; it is only 60 miles to the Bulgarian border from here, whereas Athens is over 200 miles away. Bread was never stocked in the camp shop, but residents would purchase flour, salt, baking powder, and yeast, and bake the bread on their electric hot plates. It is a time-consuming process, and the product is quite different from oven-baked bread.

Today, the bread distribution team consists of D. B., M. O., and S. D. First, they load the bread into the trunk and back seat of the car. S. D. will drive; M. O., who has helped with distribution before, has a list of all the units and how much bread is allocated to each; and D. B. will carry the bread from the car to each unit, going down the rows in each block. Although it is still morning, the temperature has already risen above 90 degrees, and the group must get through roughly a hundred units before lunch. There is almost no shade in the residential sector of the camp.

The expedition starts in blocks A and B, which run parallel to each other on the southwest side of the camp. It is a quiet morning - most of the residents sleep in during Ramadan - but a few children are already up and about, playing outside. They rush over to greet the visiting volunteers. A teen boy, Y., rides up on his bike and offers to help with the distribution. He and his younger brother, J., are often in the shop, helping the volunteers unload grocery shipments and translating for older residents. Two very young children, a boy and a girl, also amble over to the car; they are too young to help, but enjoy the volunteers’ company. As M. O. calls out unit numbers and bread quantities, D. B. unloads them from the car and starts making her trips.

Before block A is halfway finished, A. A. appears and offers to help. Although he is fasting, and his primary role is in the kitchen, he is always willing to help where he can. He takes an order from M. O. and runs (literally) the bread over to the next unit. Being a resident himself, A. A. often knows the whereabouts of residents who are away, which is helpful in cases where no one comes to the door. Because there is only one distribution per week, the team makes a concerted effort to make certain that no one is home. Three knocks, and if still no one answers the door, the team moves on; bread cannot be left on the doorstep or with a neighbor. A. A. tells D. B. to knock on the lower half of the wall rather than the door, since the residents sleep on floor mattresses.

A. A. says that many residents have gone to Thessaloniki or Athens today for their visa sponsorship interviews. Indeed, this trumps even bread and water distribution - it is their ticket out of Alexandreia to more prosperous places in the EU.

With A. A.’s and Y.’s help, the team finishes blocks A and B in less than 20 minutes. As they head over to blocks C and D, a group of boys comes by to check out the progress. M. O. shoos them away each time they try to get into the stacks of bread in the trunk, but it’s all playful. Blocks C and D are finished quickly, too, but as S. D. starts to drive towards block E, two of the boys - I. and M. - grab onto the car. M. O. says that this happens pretty much every time, and that the only way to get the boys to stop is to ignore them. Eventually, one of the older boys in the group convinces M. to leave the car alone, but I. doesn’t budge. He pulls at the door handles, slaps the windows, tugs at the rear windshield wiper, and finally climbs onto the hood of the car. After jumping around for a bit, he gets down, slaps M. across the back of the head, and runs off.

I. does not look like the other boys at the camp. His curly black hair grows in patches, and his scalp is covered in burns.

Before the team makes it over to block E, a boy a bit older than Y. comes running over from block B. He says that his house hasn’t received any bread. M. O. checks her list - the delivery had been marked as completed. The boy is part of a large family that lives in two adjacent units. D. B. does not recall seeing the boy yet this morning, but remembers going to one of the two units. The boy thinks for a moment, then jogs home and returns with his mother. Clearly he has just woken her up, and she is skeptical of his claim. D. B. offers to accompany the pair back to their unit and sort out the situation there. When the older son opens the door, D. B. recognizes his face from before and asks if he had already received bread. The young man yawns and points to a stack in the corner, and the woman playfully scolds her other son before going back inside to sleep.

Blocks E and M are known as the “bachelor blocks”; the majority of young men who arrived at the camp all alone are housed there. They reflect a broader demographic shift. In the first wave of arrivals, almost all of the residents had come with their families, and the camp’s social order was maintained by the elder male heads of household. With the departure of some of these families and recent arrivals of more young men, however, the social dynamic has changed. No serious issues have yet been reported, but some residents have complained about loud music and late parties, and families with teenage daughters feel less at ease. M. O. says that some of the female volunteers also feel uncomfortable going to blocks E and M on their own, choosing instead to go in pairs or asking a male NGO worker to go with them. Today, distribution goes by without a hitch, although the young men are significantly more difficult to wake compared to other residents.

For lunch, the volunteers head to a small roadside cafe a short walk west of the camp. It is a small family business whose proprietor, K. S., runs the establishment with the help of her mother, husband, and daughter. The fare is traditional Greek, and the volunteers mostly opt for vegetable wraps and meat gyros. It is also an opportunity to restock on water, since the water at the camp is not potable.

Just like I. N. and T. K. back at the hotel, K. S. says that the local economy has not recovered since the financial crisis, and in fact only the presence of refugees and NGOs just next door has ensured her business’ survival. She worries that her daughter will not be able to receive an education abroad - Greek universities are free, she says, but not very competitive - and that her family would never be able to emigrate if the economic situation continued to worsen. She says that the incumbent left-wing party has good intentions, but repeatedly gets taken advantage of by Germany and the EU. The Germans, she says, are a different kind of European from the Greeks.

After lunch, the volunteers head back to the camp for the afternoon shift. Some join A. A. and O. A. in the kitchen; others gather art materials from the storeroom and set up at one of the picnic tables outside, soon being joined by a group of younger children; a few head back to the warehouse; and M. O. is in the shop. A minor dispute arises when a shopper questions the accuracy of M. O.’s addition. She compares the items on the counter with those that she logged into the database, and everything adds up. The man doesn’t believe it and asks for a calculator, and when the same result comes up, he laughs and leaves the shop with his groceries.

There will be a series of World Refugee Day events in Thessaloniki later in the evening, and UNHCR has chartered three buses to transport interested residents there and back. Their site coordinator at Alexandreia asks A. R. if he would be willing to spare some volunteers to come along as chaperones, but the group is tired after a full day of physically demanding work. Moreover, the buses are scheduled to return no earlier than 10, and the volunteers might not get to have dinner. Those who had been here last week recounted how UNHCR had taken F. S. and N. Z. along on a similar trip, only to forget about them and leave them to find their own way back to Alexandreia late at night.

Just after 7, the volunteers lock up the shop and the kitchen, gather their belongings, and drive back to the hotel. Not only does the security guard not seem to mind that the group has stayed past the non-resident curfew, but he doesn’t even look up from his phone.

So it is in Alexandreia on the 20th of June.

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perfectionistincrisis · 7 years ago

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Day 56 - 62

This has been a hard one. So you know how Ramadan is the month you fast and al and your supposed to strengthen your spirituality and all. Well Ramadan went well Alhamdulillah but it is more like all these things happened to me this one week more compared to during Ramadan.

So I started walking on the treadmill. I planned on 2 hours a day but ended up doing one hour everyday. Well when i decided on 2hrs it was what i ‘preferred’. 1hr, duh, is the ‘minimum’ and more than 2 hours is highly appreciable but im still proud i could at least do the bare minimum this week yay! well proud is exaggeration tbh, im just not panicking and depressed because I maintained the bare minimum but im not like ‘happy’ or impressed cause I dont see any progress. But then again, the way i define ‘progress’ is kind of too high standard as always so yeah I am kind of harsh on myself ‘as always’ again so maybe I am kinda doing okay i guess. well but bottom line, im not really ‘impressed’.

Aha ok so theres that. then um oh! me catching cold after coming from Makkah, Well in the beginning i was sooooo tired for a day or two like i couldnt function at all. But then yeah all the classic symptoms started to arise. coughing, sneezing, throat irritation, blocked nose, runny nose, greenish sputum, difficulty breathing. Oh God, you name it! so I have been on medication for a week now and I have to continue for another 1 week. And its just not going away yet. like its there, constant! except for just last night when my throat wasnt itching much and luckily i could sleep like a babyyyyyyyyy for a change after a week. Oh so this whole week I used to go to bed around 12 to 1 or at 2 latest! Now whether I could fall asleep is a different story. Well most of the nights I did try to fall asleep like till fajr and i could like sleep for an hour or 2 max and then I would just wake up from coughing so much. and then Id just lie down till fajr and then get up and pray and then go to bed. 2 of the mornings I worked out after fajr and then took a shower and then slept around 7 in the morning.

during the day, well i wake up always keeping in mind that I should not miss zuhr so lol that mean i kinda wake up usually around 2pm or even later sometimes. Since im talking about the entire week, this is like what i did majority of the days. Some days i woke up earlier though. but maybe thats like a day or 2 out of 7. So its so hot during the day, like you dont even need to ‘move’ and youll already be sweating! I totally hate it and I have never been that tired of any weather ugh. Like I totally love winter now. not cause idk its fun or something but like i hate summer so muchhhhhhh that yeah i can basically go like i love winter

Ok so the week kinda started with me being kind of tired mentally. parents were in the middle of a huge argument so yeah the whole atmosphere in the house was kinda blue and then I started eating so less and then starting with the treadmill and all and well it was just a bit tough to move from a phase to another. I wasnt having negative vibes and all but i just wished for more from life. I mean sometimes it is kind of too much to take. I get all the stuff about life not supposed to be perfect and how it is just temporary and how we should not get attached to worldly things. Yes all of that is cool and i get it but then when you are actually experiencing those ‘downs’ in life, youre obviously not going to be ‘okay’ with it and ofcourse youll wish things were better or youd just feel mentally drained out - despite knowing the entire “concept” of life -

So yeah thats the phase I was in for a few days and then after a lot of thinking how I suddenly got out of the phase was when I was thinking about how every single person is subjected to life is a completely different way. Like you can never compare. You might think your life is horrible and so much shit has happened to you and everything and maybe someone else who never had to face anything similiar to the ‘shit’ you went through. Well maybe they had to experience something else. Something you are too blessed to even be aware of. What I am trying to say is how sometimes we wish for things is life and other people have it, that what you want. Or maybe they dont have what you want, but then in general it seems like there life seems ‘happier’ than yours. Well I dont really think it is true anymore. I kind of think everyone goes through almost an equal share of good and bad. and how do we define what is ‘good’ and what is ‘bad’? Well we just cant tbh. Because what might seem good to me and I would wish for could be something someone has and feels cursed with. I mean its all about perceptions. So someone maybe suffering in their own way but you are not just seeing it. Basically the point is,

We should always be thankful, be patient and keep breathing. We should be aware of how our life is not going to be a compilation of scenes you get to watch in movies or be picture perfect. And we also need to protect ourselves from getting attached to anything or anyone so much! We need to be okay with letting go of things or people if we ever have to! And we also need to know that every single person out there ~ Everyone’s life is perfectly imperfect. Yes, of course I cant really disagree to how some people might seem to have better lives but then again, all the hardships you go through, you are being tested and you are being rewarded for them so at the end of the day it all balances off.

So I was kind of really bored with life in general and also my days were boring too. Well theyre still pretty much boring but like i was also bored of life. Then I started thinking of certain people who are having more boring lives than mine, and who dont even have the blessings I am gifted with. And everything started to just get more acceptable. And then I started thinking of my brother. I mean its so cool he is going to move to Canada in like less than 2 months inshaAllah and all. I am really happy for him and wish nothing but the best of the best for him and all but but but.. I mean just think of it. At first I was thinking of my some of the people Ik who arent really in a pretty place maybe because of financial reasons. Then there were people that came to my mind who arent in a pretty place because of just family reasons. And then ones who are just simply having to work a bit harder and so theyre not at a pretty place. Some who are away from friends, family because of life. So yeah. then I started thinking of my brother. I mean he is going to move soon and he will be living in a dorm and I mean he will be in Canada in one of the top 5 universities in the country and he has a scholarship. MashAllah that all sounds so great. Something Id want too but but but. then i started thinking of life in general. I mean he will be living on his own. He doesnt have to cook though, he has subscribed to a meal plan so he doesnt have to worry about preparing his food. but like living alone in his dorm room. I mean coming home every day to his room. Well cool thing though he wont be sharing a room with anyone and he will have his own toilet and stuff but then again, i mean he will be alone. Im not saying that an alternate scenario could be one where hed come home to his family and woah everyone would be partying and laughing and smiling and all. I mean even when he is at home right now he is like always in front of his computer busy with his own stuff and all but like idk Id still prefer coming home and having some other humans who are family. Atleast once in a while you know. or maybe its just me. but then still, i mean uni and studies are stressful enough, id just want to see people i love around! And yeah that is one of the main reasons why I didnt finally decide to study abroad right after high school!

So yeah then I started realizing that there are so many ways I already am blessed. Even on every one of my ‘boring’ days, there are blessings i am encountering which many people arent getting even on their normal days. Yeah that kind of cheered me up!

So this week, more like this month or like the entire 2 months will be about my bro lol. I mean theres a lot of shopping to do. like clothes, toilet stuff, laundry stuff, bed, pillow, shoe, laptop, tootpaste, mug, spoon and what not. literally everything. I mean its actually fun. Like you go to a shop and literally anything you touch, is something in the shopping list for him!! i mean normally somethings are like just too basic, youd never in years touch them in a shop cause like you have it, its there!!! but for him, have to get everything since he will start from scratch!

Ok so now about myself! Well like i said, the week started pretty rough because of the whole change in phase. parents fighting, me not eating much considering how food is one of the means by which i look for comfort, and then life just being boring in general and then how getting on the treadmill is such a pain in the ass in the first place and not to mention the extremely hot temperature these days and then you dont really see any difference. I mean duh. DUHHHHH howd i even be thinking to see any difference? I mean i KNOWWW its too soon for any difference but like all these staying patient emotionally, mentally about so many different aspects in life..It all can get pretty heavy sometimes!!!! Oh and then its like i really really really love myself. Like a LOT LOT. now like i said, once you already love someone, I mean, well, to fall in love ofcourse the person needs to have good qualities most of the time but then like once you already love someone, you love them despite their imperfections. Well, thats how you love ‘another person’. but when you love yourself. Forget qualities!!! you love yourself regardless lol! Where I am getting with this is!!! I mean right now, i really am not AT ALL happy with my body, like not. at . ALL. Infact I have never been this unhappy about my body ever in my life. And also I kind of feel really dumb. Like wow, Alhamdulillah whatever I did in my exams and all, i am thankful for that but like as a person in general. I really dont feel smart enough plus I literally dont remember anything i studied. like i actually wonder how tf did are they just not there in my head anymore. Like i definitely did study them or else i wouldnt pass my exams so now where the hellllll did all that go awaaayyyyy whatttttttttt

yeah so 4th year basically you need to know your shit. like you actually need to know what they taught you in the last 3 years. like youre actually be walking with doctors and interacting with them one on one. its not going to be like the last 3 years where like it doesnt really matter whether you are alive or dead, asleep or awake. like you just make sure you have your name signed. so theres the attendance part covered. and you make sure you finish every lecture and to do that you have time till before you enter the “exam code” on your laptop and start the exam!!!! You see, now! you actually need to know shit, you actually need to go see patients with the doctors and even without the doctors, you need to go to patients, and take history from them which TADAAA will be in arabic. oh wow!! So yeah if you dont know arabic you need a friend/ translator! yeah and then you need to tell your history to your doctor in english thank god lol :p but like yeah, and you ll be in small groups of 6 - 10 with a doctor and like he might bring up a disease he wants to discuss and SURE af it wont be something they found out about 2 minutes ago. ofcourse it will be something we are expected to have covered in the last 3 years or uni and you cant just go like. OH I never heard about it!!!! Idk what it is!!! Ok lol i guess im freaking out now.

Anyways so what i was saying. yeah so not happy with my body, plus i think im really dumb and then its just TOO DAMN HOT i cant do anything, I CANT EVEN MOVE. so yeah its pretty disturbing! Also not to mention how not eating much is so hard Ughh!

Ok so i have been typing for over an hour now. I kind of think I covered everything I wanted to blog about for the whole week but like Im not sure and I dont want to read all what i wrote right now cause its already so boring cause its like always in my head anywaysssss and yeah thats one nice thing about blogging. Ahh. like once i hit the ‘post’ button and then woah!!! all these thoughts just turn into feather in my head!!!!! hahaahh!!

But i still do read what i write again everytime, prolly at the end of the day to make sure nothing is ‘misunderstood or sounds completely opposite of what I actually wanted to say and all. blablaaa. So yeah if somethings mssing, ill fill it up

okay enough blabbering. Tataa!!!!!! :)

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