#its ramadan!! (at least for where im at)

[virovac]

Edit

Looking into claims of something.

Ramadan : Making a post to boost Tfosmah/@imosmahtf (new account update)

(NOTE: I am trying to create a gogetfunding account for her, but her internet connection won't let her glitchy phone get on the site to finish the procedure and attatch a paypal to connect to it. and I cannot use mine as tied to family. Can anyone else trustworthy and has helped campaigns before contact me to take over, and manage it so funds are transferred to hers? )

edit: with paypal causing problems. please notify@@imosmahtf when her paypal did not get your donation

video from: here

vetted: This fundraiser has been shared by @/90-ghost and shared by @/bilal-salah0

(fyi both @/90-ghost and @/bilal-salah0 are Palestinian bloggers who try to find and support legitimate Gazan fundraisers)

Paypal allows less than $5 per donation. Please Give even $3.

Out of food and water. At least One daughter and parents weakened by illness (father can hardly walk. Baby suffering skin disease Winds threatening to destroy tent. Seems having trouble breastfeeding according to IMs.

Plz donate what you can for us, we need to raise $2000 today. We have no more hopes, my husband Osmah is very ill and can’t walk Very well. And more painful, my kids are experiencing the skin Diseases like pimples in their bodies 😢💔🧎🏻‍♀️ plz we have been heating Rain water again just to have something to drink

Here is the newest version of paypal after last gotten from this link tfosmah on Tumblr (to prove its heres)

Paypal seems to have a delay with funds reaching her, so let’s try to guarantee they gets a large chunk of cash next time she checks!

march 25 New temporary payapal search: Dainadina49@gmail.com (see under cut for screenshot proving this)

old paypal https://href.li/?https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/ArshainaA?country.x=US&locale.x=en_US

You can also entere a raffle for a necklace with proof of donaation! – @a-shade-of-blue on Tumblr (note link has the old paypal)

Paypal allows less than $5 per donation. Please Give even $3.

This is not only see below* And well documented with many pictures and videos

Until March 31st, You can also entere a raffle for a necklace with proof of donaation! – @a-shade-of-blue on Tumblr

From message

Plz a lot my sister is so sick and So much we have 5 tomatoes left with 1 small bottle of water left my dear friend ,, many hours I have no internet cause of the power gone again. 😭 I am so much so much sincerely asking For u help,, I have no one Who care to us,, no one is listening to us.. we get so many shares but all honesty Still no help and so much I am plz to u we so much need ur donation 🧎🏻‍♀️💔

More pictures,

I am very sick and can’t not walk because of my wound in foot and very High fever. Please donate and share this me can’t do everything alone. Most of my kids are women 😢💔 (video)

"My other Sahara daughter had swollen lymph nodes and Also doctor said she is malnourished where we will go in this situation when no one Helping us 💔🇵🇸😭" (text)

My father ... very ...sick and can’t get To phone today pls I can talk too. I’m his older daughter 🧎🏻‍♀️😢🍉 (text)

We need support with donation today, both my parent sick in this moment from bad weather here. 😢 (Text)

more documentation more pictures another picture of baby . They even have been documenting food supplies and water`

[hellinistical]

more hcs of rafayel with a desi/mena girl cause im in need. and yeah it does lean more towards Muslim girls BUT anyone can read obviously.

He's actually not that great at fasting. At least, not when it becomes something he has to do. The man can be painting all day and not eat but the second it becomes obligatory? Pain.

And he's also not that great in the fact that he can't really go to bed with you, ya know? cause he's gotta stay away from lust.

Brushes his teeth obsessively during Ramadan cause he'd be damned if his breath got rank when he wants to kiss you.

designs your hijabs and abayas, lehengas, dupattas- everything.

he's designed your rings so why not ya know?

I think he'd be really just obsessed with doing your henna even for occasions that are just ordinary. He'd have you guys have matching designs or better yet- connecting ones (where if you lay side by side or put your hands or whatever together the picture all connects.) giggles cause its yalls secret. his name is on you somewhere and yours is on his.

The type to claim to be a picky eater but that's just not the case. at least, for the most part.

He'll eat stuff like mansaf with lamb head or even jadoo—oh, but you can't deny him his seafood.

on eid, or rather, the night before, he cant sleep. he'd be far too excited and try to stay up all night like its a game between you two.

Eid outfits? oh you're KILLING it- no one is even coming close to you guys. he takes it seriously and loves the feeling that he's out done everyone. getting ready on the phone with your cousins and siblings and they're just "oh my god." cause they weren't expecting you to pop off AGAIN.

Somehow finds a way to get the best parking spot at the place the eid prayer gets even though its jam packed. He finds it. probably had thomas hold his place too. There will be no 10+ minutes of walking in your heels and nice clothes dragging on the side walk just to get to the car.

But aside from that, hates how crowded eid prayer gets and even though you wanna go early cause all your friends are going early he'd prefer to go when the last round of it is going. and the fact that itd be easier to find a parking spot.

is he queasy when picking out a lamb or goat? nah. I can see him pretending that he doesn't wanna do the slaughter but he does. picks out the one with the most meat on (and if you like the more fatty pieces makes sure to save those when he takes home the portions you guys want before donating the rest).

when you go to the mosque, he parks closer to the women section so its easier for you. and makes sure to get there early cause ofc he's gotta get a good spot. Always has a water bottle on hand, maybe some makeup wipes and an extra palette- knows how to fix your makeup for you. SUPER fast with it too.

If you wanna rant to him about podcast bros and wannabe tiktok sheikhs he'll gladly join in and help clown them. Cause who is he to let some buffoon, some deranged man (cough based bengali but don't come for me there's more) who graduated at tiktok university try and act like they know everything to upset his wife? He is not the one.

matter of fact hes probably doxed a couple just for the nonsense they say- (or maybe exposed them....)

should i do more

[naurthingtoseehere]

oof. had a streak of good days and have finally been tested with a really bad morning. firstly i slept at around midnight and woke up at fajr (if i was going to oversleep and not eat it would've been nice to at least get a full night's sleep 💀). secondly i slept though my alarm because i was too busy having a nightmare about being SA'd. i woke up wanting to give up on my day. i am dreading the thought of going to my first in-person lecture sleep deprived and with less food in my belly that i would like, and having to do all the work i wanted to get done today. all while having my mood coloured by that jarring reminder of my trauma.

it's times like these where i miss being in a muslim household where everyone encouraged each other to wake up on time, break fast, pray. there would be someone awake for me to seek comfort in after my nightmare. but its only me conscious in the space between night and morning.

it is better for all involved that i live apart from my mother, but right now i just want her. there's many things i wouldn't dare turn to her for, but this is something she can provide comfort with. she knows what to do when her child cries from a nightmare during ramadan. in today's case, she might have been able to wake me up before the dream got bad.

people fast in far worse conditions than mine today; this is a sobering fact. but its still hard. right now, it feels like im just clinging on in trying not to fall into despair. today feels like those failed ramadans from last year, and the year before that, and so on.

may god help me get through today.

[asahicore]

babe as much as i love to make ur day and hopw u know how lovely ur writing is i can't since this is just most smut. LISTEN I WOULD HAVE READ UP TO THAT PART AND SENT YOU AN ASK BUT UR GIRL HAVE TO RAMADAN 😭 (THIS IS SO FUNNY TO SAY) ILL BE BACK IN A MONTH TIME THO TO READ THAT. you cab laugh pls it is funny HAHAHAH. I was gonna leave the fic and come back after ramadan but had to jump in to say something. Its so sad to see zero interaction or anything. I feel so bad for writers, like writing these and then crickets. I have had so many of writers i enjoyed fics from stop writing because of underwhelming reviews ywah. BUT I HOPE YK ILL BE THERE TO BE UR NO. 1 fan (if im not sick or busy) 💪💪💪

🍓 anon

OMG STRAWBERRY ANON HAHAHHA IM SO SORRY i hope ur having a good ramadan !!! that was really bad timing from my part oops but i hope it'll go well and im excited for whenever u can read it lol no worries at all but about the interaction (rant incoming) yeah its really sad especially when u know what tumblr used to be like :// i wasnt a writer back then but i rmb being like 15 and reading harry potter fanfiction on here and the interaction was sooo much better, people knew reblogs were important, they gave feedback and sent asks and all of that.. now its seriously crickets, doesnt matter whether u have 50 followers or 2000, theres only a handful of blogs where interaction is constant and its just really disappointing when u put a lot of work into writing only to be met with silence :/ and dont even get me started on the difference from fandom to fandom lol at least with enhypen it gets a lot of traction but with treasure its so heartbreaking every time and you'd think that teume readers or readers from any fandom that doesnt get a lot of fics on here would try and be even more supportive of their writers so that they continue to post but nope practically nothing at all and it just gets. slightly frustrating lol cause yes we write for fun and people read for fun and writers and readers dont owe each other anything but also like.. can we be nice and supportive of each other lol BUT ANYWAYS rant over strawberry anon i love u cant wait to wife u up hope u celebrate well and talk to u soon

[lovesoakedd]

tw// dark/nazi germany mention

so cabaret is a musical that takes place in a cabaret club where you can be whoever you want to be (sex/race/gender/etc) in 1930s germany and it’s really sad because it’s slowly revealed that some of the characters are nazis and they’re trying to navigate relationships basically ??? its really complex and dark so thats the way simplified version but because its so complicated thats the best i can do but hopefully that made sense!

and omg new girl! its one of if not my favorite show. basically jess is the new girl and she moves into this LA loft with 3 other guys and its very friends esque but better in my opinion just because i think its more authentic/enjoyable but thats just me lol

aw im ramadan is going well so far! my days been good! i went to target and meal prepped for the week so im feeling ready for the week which is really nice! also gonna do some laundry and hopefully enjoy the rest of my evening!

-💌

tw: nazi mention

whoa, okay, so basically, when in the club, you can pretty much choose to be whatever you want, in terms of sex, race, gender, etc.? whoa. whoa. oh, my goodness. I already know I'm going to search this up and read on it. I find that so interesting, because delving into a concept like that, where anyone can choose whatever they want in terms of how they exist as a person - it leaves so much room to explore humanity, and historical contexts, and the psychology behind people. I love stories like that, that really delve into the human complex. and for sure, it sounds extremely complex, but I definitely will read more on it. and you totally made sense! are they navigating relationships, like trying to figure out romantic relationships? or all kinds?

waitttt omg I have been watching Friends for years, it is definitely a comfort show of mine. and this show, with what it’s about, sounds so comforting and light. I'll definitely consider it bc I need a new comfort show to back up on, haha

it is, hehe! although, I literally slept in till 2PM today, which is something I haven’t done in years omg. at least the day gets to fly by, haha, I'm also surprising one of my best friends tonight for her birthday! oooh, meal prepping, look at you! that’s so great. what kind of stuff do you like eating? and that sounds like such a nice and relaxing evening, how did it go?

[enchantedpendant]

i did 4 in this first week of forensics (nearly did 5 but one family refused an autopsy). 2 were... tragic crashes that left bodies that were not pleasant to look at and a work to stitch up, i’ll leave it at that. the other two were patients from the ward, fortunately much less of a traumatic sight. i just did my fourth one tonight, and for the first time it was a patient younger than me.

under the cut: thoughts about death

he wasn’t even 19. he went on a motorcycle ride with his friend yesterday night, his friend rode the motorcycle with a helmet on, he didnt have a helmet on (this is an awfully common occurrence among the many patients, living or dead, ive come across within this single week and i can no longer look at people on the road driving motorcycles without helmets on the same). the family we talked to didn’t know the details of the accident, but it seems like it was a single accident. he was conscious at the time of the accident, vomited and had a seizure and was quickly brought to our hospital’s ED, managed and admitted into the ward. he spent only a day in the hospital.

aside from the single, slightly opened eye, he looked like he was asleep and he could’ve just woken up at any moment. rigor mortis hadn’t completely set in yet.

i really can’t help but think.... this boy really had a whole life before him... and then it was all gone, so quickly. it was just one motorcycle ride, one time without his helmet, one single accident. thinking about the guilt that his friend must feel is scary. thinking about the absolute sorrow his family feels is.... unthinkable. how quick everything was. how close the “if only”s could feel despite the infinite distance of the past.

tonight feels like another reminder of mortality, perhaps even a stronger one than the ones before, probably because of how young he was. goes to show how death is so close. no one truly knows how much time they have. no one is ever promised their next breath. all those dreams we have of where we would be next year, next decade.... when we could never even be sure if we’d make it through the night.

phew. i feel like any word i try to put into use right now doesnt do justice to what im actually feeling right now. now ig i better try to put this into a more positive spin lol....

a positive spin to this is... i guess... lets try to live everyday like its our last. lets try to not hurt others because we’re never promised a chance to apologize. lets try to be honest with our feelings, to our own selves and to others, tell our loved ones that we love them because we’re never promised a next chance to say it. and again, we won’t ever be able to try and evade death, but at least lets try to make it so that we’ll meet our ends in a way that we wouldn’t mind.

and perhaps more of a personal update: this first week in forensics have been exhausting. much more tiring than i expected. perhaps especially mentally exhausting. aside from that, physically, i feel like i havent been getting good night sleep... somehow (maybe i’ve let it all get to me a bit too much?) so i’ve ended up taking long naps which has made my circadian rhythm quite disastrous lol. aside from the academic side of it, all the journals and papers and presentations etc etc.... being around all these deaths have been tiring. i havent been around this much death until now, and at this point i feel like i could truly recognize what a blessing that is.

plus, it’s ramadan! so far within this week we had only been spared (lol) of a case on the first night of ramadan. tbh i feel like spending this year’s ramadan in forensics could.... affect me quite significantly, hopefully in a good way.

a (not-so-accurate) depiction of me during my first autopsy earlier today

under the cut: descriptions of gore

several minutes before 8am after nearly losing my mind in the traffic jam (inside the hospital area, imagine!), we were told that we had a body to examine.

a body was found on a railroad and the police brought it over earlier in the morning. it was a 49 year old man, identified and we had a copy of his ID (he was stated to be married), but no one came for him. somehow i ended up being the documenter and took all photos, every step of the way, on my phone. the body was inside of two layers of black bags. we unzipped the bags and... well, as expected from a body ran over by a train, it was a mess. all that's left of the left leg was half a femur bone and the muscles, fasciae, adipose tissues, and torn skins (barely) enveloping it. the skull was crushed, cerebral contents spilled, blood from every orifice. a big rip on the lower left abdomen down to the genitals, intestines spilled out. the face was deformed, mandible dislocated, you could barely imagine how the body looked while alive (and somehow i think this helps me not get too spooked out by it? like maybe my brain could barely recognize the body in front of me as a dead human?). ribs, pelvic bones, all crushed, sharp and crepitated. ya get the idea. there were pants, underpants, a t-shirt, and a hoodie on the body, all torn (obviously). we had to cut it off of it. the body was on its front so we had to roll it over onto its back, thats when we really saw how much blood there was and thats when the smell finally hit. we documented each wounds (i photographed it all on my phone). and then we stitched the body up. there were a lot to stitch up so we shared. i got to work on the hole on the abdomen, put the intestines inside and stitched along the inguinal line.

i sure hope what im gonna say doesnt sound weird, but i felt happy when i got done stitching it up and saw how much tidier the body looked than before we started working on it. i like to think that we did what little good we could do to this man who had met his very unfortunate end. forensics is one of the few departments here that do not have their own residency, so a lot of the works are delegated directly to the med students. so ig this was... the most hands-on i've been on a patient. i also feel like i want to thank the man for "allowing" us to work on his body and learn a lot from him. obviously i dont know anything about him aside from his identity and that he died around midnight ran over by a train, but i'd like to put aside theories of what could possibly lead up to that moment and think that he was a good person, or at the very least, at the end of his life, he did a good thing and gave us a good lesson.

personally i feel like today's experience also served as a humbling reminder of death. how close it really is, how we never really know when it's coming for us. how inevitable it is. we can't really try to not die, but ig we could try to die in a way we wouldn't mind. i noticed i was a lot more careful when i drove back home today, i thought i didnt want to end up nor cause anyone else to end up in such a... messy end.

anyways, in case anyone read this far: be careful! be careful on the road, regardless if you're walking or on any sort of vehicle. be careful around railroads! stay safe!

(oh and also i immediately moved all the photos to the laptop of my friend who was currently on duty lol i'd rather not traumatize my future self or any poor soul who's gonna look through my phone gallery with some surprise gore)

(and ive also been thinking about how i barely blinked at this whole.. no, this unwhole body, but got my head spinning and was so close to puking at the mere sight of a placenta during a c-section. like what is it about the placenta?? i remember it being like a large jiggly bloody jelly and UGH i lowkey get a bit light-headed just describing it lol. again doubting my possibility for a future in obgyn.)

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 81

i keep talking to myself all the time - no not cause im mad or alone - but like i said earlier - i pretend like its ‘him’ and just him. meaning, no, im not those people who talk to themselves cause they enjoy doing it, or like um neither those who talk to themselves cause they dont have anyone else to talk to - but rather, -i-just-talk-to-him-

wow, no that was a nice way to put it out there. so much for defending myself lol

ok so im kinda energetic - as in -my mood is- i am not, physically energetic though. i mean i just spent the last hour and a half in bed scrolling through my phone until my phone shut off cause it ran out of charge and only then i dragged myself slowly to the washroom to pee which i shouldve done 60 minutes ago. so yeah - very lazy 

speaking of time. WTH is going on with this world? i feel like the number of seconds in one minute is a subject to small rise and falls like the world currencies! I mean seriously, i swear nowadays “1 minute” = “EIGHTY seconds” No Kidding!!!! It all started from after fajr today!!!!! 

yeah so after fajr today, at first i kind of blanked out - as in - that rush, impatience and i dont even know how to describe it - kinda feeling i was telling? about missing him and all that? like i need some action something to happen and wow this is such an off season - so yeah i was kind of stuck in my chair,, just switching from one social media to another doing nothing literally other than idk - trying to fast forward life and hit play somewhere cool ugh ok

so then something happened and it cheered me up and i got on the treadmill as was planned. usually do 3 hours but i knew doing 3 now, including my tiny 3-5 min breaks every 30 mins would take too long 

anyways ended up doing two hours at around 7 30 and then was too tired to take a shower so i just pulled a bed sheet from my closet and slept on the floor, cause no way im putting my stinky body to bed. 

when i got up, prayed zuhr and YESSS i did the one hour i skipped in the morning and yeah well thats pretty much it for the day. i mean then i sat and ate and then went to the hosp came back, chilled and still chilling right now as im typing :) 

oh something i said yesterday about how i wish life was full of action like in movies. like i just wish it was although i know its BS thats totally against how this life works. whats more surprising is how i actually wish for stupid stuff - i mean you know how on social media - one gets to present themselves the way they want. i mean you can be anything. happy sad widow married depressed gay - its like - its in your hands - how do you want to present yourself to the world mam? yeah you get my point? but like i lot of people fall for it. you look into others posts and you might wonder how their life is so wonderful and yours is not, how someones life is picture perfect and yours is not and BLABLABLA but Lol - i neverrrrr fell for that. pretty much cause i sugar coat my life too loool 

Its actually funny - im actually laughing - anyways where im getting at with this is - i was thinking about it - i mean for someone like me who never fell for all the crap people put up on display on social media - i sure am one hell of a dreamer to ‘wish’ for a busy ‘movie-like’ all colorful life. But then again in my defense - those are real people and people are full of crap so yeah i dont fall for their shit but i mean a movie is a well organised script being played out - ofcourse you ‘wishing’ for something like it is acceptable yasss (whatever makes you sleep at night:3 ) 

Also i assure you my vocabulary aint that poor, i just seem to lose my words when im posting anything here. mostly cause i have no words - everything is so messy and twisty and complicated Ugh 

Also its really weird that i feel like a days just passed by too fast this week. i mean i mustve slipped. i mean im like a human clock. lol i mean it. i mean when im not on vacation - and you ask me the time, anytime - my guesses are so close to accurate - like im aware of every second ticking by - now, im just saying im aware of it - that doesnt really mean i make the most out of time - but then i do know how precious it is, and i do feel like crap when im just shitting it away. and just randomly wasting time is one thing, but trust me when you are aware youre doing shit - ouch that burns! 

so august is coming, and i was kind of planning on fasting - i mean i didnt fast in july cause i wanted to get used to working out and fasting would just be disturbing. but yeah now its almost august and i think i should fast - for like the whole month - yeah :) cause i barely fasted for i think 8 days this Ramadan i need to make all the rest of it up. AND THEN AFTER THAT, it is sunnah but not one im actually brave enough to do to be honest but but but i think i have no choice - i mean i think i have to fast like every monday or thursday every week - cause i have a lot and a lot of fasting to do to make up for ALLLLL the ones i missed my entire life and trust me thats quite a lot - not the normal amount any girl would miss - cause ive been having problems and so i had to skip a lot and stuff - and i never kept an exact count - well actually its impossible cause its been a problem for years but then i do have to admit that i never tried either - cause idk- i guess i kind of took it as - oh cmon its just fasting - i mean i think i missed around 20 roughly - so ill just fast 30 - thatll cover it up plus ill fast extra - which is a good thing and blabla all that random thoughts! 

anyways i should now just focus on the 30 i wna fast for this year, in august but idk i have to come up with some legit plan where my work out schedule fits in perfectly too. both  are important to me, and im not choosing one over the other, i dont want to and i dont have to inshaAllah 

oh just a random thing - but i go for brands! Meaning, you know if something is sold by a really well known brand youd obviously expect it to have good quality and most of the time yes youre right. sometimes, nope! but then there are things which are not “branded” but the quality is amazing, and the price? well most of the time it is cheaper, but yeah i guess sometimes the price is almost similar - well the thing is - i am the type of person - whod want the brand name on PLUS the quality. like if there were 2 bags for example or two shoes, SAME quality, but one is cheaper ONLY cause it does not have a famous brand name on it - i am definitely the person whod pay wayyyy wayyy more for the branded one! - SO now you know the type of person i am :) :) :) :) 

Lol im sure that kind of information is something a lot of people would use to judge someone :3 But then im not all so irrational loool - like thats definitely something that is “goals” for me! I mean, i am a medical student being financially supported by my dad right now and will be for atleast the next 3 years. ATLEAST! ATLEAST! ATLEAST! 

SO yeah im not saying i cant afford branded products right now but i sure am not comfortable living a life of luxury at this phase of my life. I want to earn it. With my own sweat and energy. I want to tell myself that i deserve it. So yeah, thats the type of person i am but im not currently ‘practicing’ it like religion and one day IF i do, i know it will be something i earned and something Allah will not be unhappy with, because I am not planning to disappoint Him 

Okay enough with that. i really dont need to talk about it as long as i know ill be alright inshaAllah 

Oh something really interesting - so i REALLY REALLY need to smile. like NOT “smile more” but like “SMILE” for gods sake hahhaha. I mean idk - its like i hate people so much and idk i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me, and its not like i even care or want them to like me and thats exactly why im like all -pokerface-pokerface- but like cmooooon! if youre really talking to someone, something as simple as a short interaction in the hospital for example with the receptionist or pharmacist - i mean cmoon - just smile a little? i mean i REALLY need to work on it. cause if i am planning on being a doctor - OH PLEASE - smiling is part of the job OH WAKE UP LADYYY!!!!!!! 

but like im not kidding - like i just said - i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me. and ofcourse its not true, i mean MOST people dont even know me. like in the hospital i went to today for example - whyd everyone hate me? :) i mean idk its just something i feel. its weird. but sheeeeeet. have to work on it. fake a smile honey :) 

Okay and idk how wrong or right it is. but i thought of it and i dont feel like there is any harm to it. Like, id like to have the idea in my head that me and him, we love each other and we are meant to be together one day. inshaAllah. For which i always and always pray to Him and ask from Him. But as of right now, we are not together. but deep deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeeeeeep and deeeeeeeeeeep’errr in my heart i keep telling myself that. We are.

now idk if its wrong, or right - but - i believe it is not making me do something which might anger my Lord.  All what it does is calm my heart. a little. And so i guess its okay! At least for now, i cant let go of the idea. Not today <3  Tada, guess thats enough for today! 

xox

[room4creation]

ice breaker tag

tagged by @myhopi thank u!! i love talking about myself 

1 // are you named after someone?


Yeah but not someone I know. My mum met this nice girl in a doctor and liked her name so there we go, that’s how I got my name.

2 // when was the last time you cried?

Like thursday coz I watched this rio Ferdinand documentary about how he looked after his kids after his wife passed away :’-(

3 // do you like your handwriting?


Yeah actually but sometimes its ugly as hell LOL depends on the pen


4 // what’s your favorite lunch meat?

what does this mean

5 // do you have kids?

nah im fifteen 

6 // if you were another person, would you be friends with yourself?


maybe. im a lot of different people to different people 

7 // do you use sarcasm?


Yeah a lot lol

8 // do you still have your tonsils?

I think probably I would know if I didn’t LOL

9 // would you bungee jump?

YES oh my god im a huge thrillseeker

10 // what is your favorite kind of breakfast cereal?

Cocopops

 11 // do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Nah

12 // do you think you’re a strong person?

Nah I think im easily influenced but maybe I don’t really know. Physically I’m prolly average

13 // what is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Triple chocolate and bubblegum

14 // what is the first thing you notice about people?

Nose I was actually talking about this with my sister yesterday LOL

15 // red or pink?

This is so hard but red

 16 // what is your least favorite physical thing about you?


Uh everything? Lol but my nose probably its like a lump

17 // what color pants and shoes are you wearing now?

See I know pants here means trousers but anyways blue and no shoes just socks

 18 // what was the last thing you ate?


Freddo

19 // what are you listening to right now?

Radio sets by nu brand flexxx

20 // if you were a crayon, what color would you be?

purple maybe

21 // favorite smell?

Tied between petrol and like when u saw wood and it smells so nice

22 // who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

Don’t even have a phone fam

23 // favorite sport to watch?

Football I love football

24 // hair color?

Dark brown

25 // eye color?

Dark brown as well lol

26 // do you wear contacts?

Nope but I’d like 2

27 // favorite food to eat?

Anything fam but I love this thing called dahiwara its just so good

28 // scary movies or comedy?

Scary movies even tho I literally die!  

29 // last movie you watched?

Sinister 2

 30 // summer or winter?


Summer like I thought I loved winter but truly summer

31 // hugs or kisses?

Hugs kisses are 2 personal but im not hugely touchy person in that way, but I do like touch ppl but its more like an arm slung over someone’s shoulder or something

32 // what book are you currently reading?

Nothing lol

33 // who do you miss right now?

Lina coz I never see her anymore 

 34 // what is on your mousepad?

I have a laptop lol

35 // what is the last tv program you watched?


see this can mean so many things coz is it what i just passively watched is it what i actually went “oh im gonna watch this” is it what’s playin in the background as i surf the net idk but the last thing i passively watched was come dine with me and whats playing in the background is the gadget show and the last thing i watched n wanted to watch was probably deadly women 

36 // what is the best sound?

i almost said the cheesiest thing but im not gonnasay it but idk ... the athaan i really love that... it reminds me of makkah n madinah n ramadan so 

37 // rolling stones or beatles?

ive never listened to the rolling stones and idk beatles annoy me bc white people really rate them LOL but if I had to choose, beatles just coz I learnt a couple of their songs in primary

38 // what is the furthest you have ever travelled?

India?? I think

39 // do you have a special talent?

Nope!

40 // where were you born?


UK

im gonna tag @impxssiive @gayswamphag @doyouwanttobesaved and any of my other mutuals who wanna do this :-) 

[thegreatgapyearglowup-blog]

30/05/2019

So its been a hot minute since i’ve been on this.

I’ve made unintentional progress and dropped 6kg due to sickness. But now i’ve gained back 2kg and i’m -4kg. Its a great start. I want to maintain that small weightloss at least. Due to it being ramadan i’m not eating as much- basically one meal a day. Ramadan is over in 5 days and im pretty worried about the back lash and suddenly gaining it all back and more. Hopefully, i’ll get back to the gym and I can finally progress. I’m going to start eating uber healthy these last days of ramadan so I can drop some weight to fit into my Eid dress. Wish me luck!

Sidenote: i turn 19 in 2 months and yikes i wanted to be healthy by then. Where has the time gone 😭.

[alexanderdroznin]

Day 1: Tuesday, June 20, 2017 (Ramadan 25). Refuge.

The RS volunteers gather in the dining room of Hotel Manthos at 8:30 AM, where they have breakfast together before the morning briefing. I. N. gets them to practice their Greek as they come down the stairs: “Ti kanis?” (”How are you?”), she asks, to which the appropriate response (as written on her sheet of useful phrases) is “Ime kala, efharisto” (”I am fine, thank you”). Breakfast is served buffet-style; as the volunteers shuffle in, T. K. offers to prepare eggs to order for anyone wanting a heartier meal.

Three volunteers are returning home to Barcelona today after having spent two weeks here. B. S., her son F. S., and his friend N. Z. had never done this kind of volunteering before. They join the group for breakfast before their late-morning train to Thessaloniki. The rest of the volunteers will remain for at least another week as RS wraps up and transitions out of Alexandreia. There are eight of them in total - all are women, all but one are university students in their early twenties, and all but one have been at the camp for at least a week. B. C., E. H., and S. D. (whose first day is today) are from the UK; D. B. is from Cyprus; E. S. is from Latvia; A. B. is from Australia; T. B. is from New Zealand; and M. O. is from Mexico.

Toward the end of breakfast, the group is joined by A. R., an American in his mid-20s who has been working full-time here as a site coordinator; and J. S., a South African-born Briton in his 60s who is the co-director of RS (https://www.refugeesupport.eu/). With the other co-director, P. H., away on a fundraising tour of the UK, J. S. has been overseeing RS’s ground operations across four Greek camps. He will leave Alexandreia later in the day and drive to Ioannina, 137 miles to the southwest, where he is needed for a World Refugee Day event.

Indeed, today is a day for raising awareness of the situation of a staggering 25.4 million refugees and 68.5 million persons of concern (as estimated by the UN) around the world. If the global population of refugees were to constitute a country, it’s population would be larger than Australia’s. If all the persons of concern were to do the same, their country would be larger than Italy, France, and the United Kingdom.

Breakfast ends at 9, and A. R. and M. O. (who has been operating in a volunteer-coordinator capacity, despite being one of the youngest members of the group) begin the meeting. They go around the room asking about the previous day’s work: what went well, what didn’t go well, what could be improved. RS’s work has gone through many changes over its fourteen months in Alexandreia - when the camp first opened in 2016, there was effectively no infrastructure, and living conditions were brutal - and with it being RS’s last week here, some services have already wrapped up. The camp boutique, for instance - where volunteers maintained a sewing station and distributed clothes, shoes, and various non-food items to residents - was closed last week.

Yesterday, the volunteers operated four stations: the kitchen, the shop, children’s activities, and the warehouse (which is 3.5 miles south of the camp, in the village of Niselli). These stations are expected to continue until RS’s last day at the camp.

In the kitchen, the volunteers help two male residents, A. A. (22; Damascus, Syria) and O. A. (27; Mosul, Iraq), prepare dinner. The typical fare is a combination of meat stew, rice or bulgur, and Arab salad. Despite there being a mess hall adjacent to the kitchen, it has not been used for the last month - it is Ramadan, after all, so the residents take their food back to their units to be eaten after the sun sets around 8:30. A. A. and O. A. speak English very well and have formed close bonds with the volunteers, who often rely on them as translators in interactions with other residents.

In the shop, the volunteers distribute food and toiletries to residents through a points system, which supplements the stipend they receive monthly from the Greek government. Adults and children over the age of 13 get 100 points/week; children under 13 get 75 points/week; and pregnant and nursing women get 150 points/week. Residents generally come in once a week, and families will either shop together or delegate shopping duties to one person. Although the points system is non-monetary, 10 points corresponds roughly to 1 euro.

RS subsidizes the cost of fruits and vegetables, and most toiletries are complimentary (although residents are asked to take only one per person). Most of the foodstuffs are non-perishable canned goods, but there are also fresh fruits and vegetables, milk, eggs, cheese, and butter (the shop has a refrigerator). Because of cost and storage constraints, meat is not provided. The shop is usually staffed by two volunteers, one of whom checks and updates a database of item values and individual point allocations, while the other helps the shoppers find, weigh, and bag their items. On particularly busy days, a third volunteer might be called over to keep the younger children occupied - there is a small arts and crafts area at the front of the shop - while their parents shop, or to help resolve disputes.

The most common causes of disputes are: an individual trying to shop for a neighbor, or presenting an ID card belonging to someone who has already left the camp; and how points are allocated or added up. The language barrier between residents and volunteers sometimes results in miscommunication, in which case the volunteers call over a resident who can translate. Fortunately, many of the children who come in to shop with their parents have some basic English skills. After a shopper’s information is confirmed, they proceed into the main area of the shop, where they can browse for as long as they like through neat shelves, display crates of fruits and vegetables, and the refrigerator.

Children’s activities serve three functions at the camp: they allow for a kind of structured chaos that breaks up an otherwise monotonous daily routine; they give the children something to do outside of their housing units and the makeshift camp schoolhouse; and they help manage overcrowding in the shop. Depending on the children who are out and about at a given time, the activities can involve sports or arts and crafts. The camp’s central plaza has a basketball court, a small soccer pitch, and a playground (which RS volunteers helped build in the early days of the camp). Sometimes the children organize games among themselves as the volunteers look on, while other times the volunteers are more involved.

There is little shade in the plaza, and the recent heat wave (during which temperatures have regularly risen above 100 degrees) has made sports a less popular choice than arts and crafts. Crowding around one of the trees or picnic tables by the central plaza, the children play with chalk, sticker packs, coloring books, and colorful modelling clay.

As in the shop, the volunteers deal with disputes here, too. The most common issues are a child feeling that others are getting more (or better) toys and materials, not wanting to share, or trying to take things home with them. There have been cases of children throwing rocks at each other. For the volunteers, dispute resolution falls in a gray area of appropriate conduct. Besides separating children who fight and subsequently notifying their parents or a responsible adult resident, there is little that can be done. On top of that, the language barrier adds to the difficulty of communicating discipline to the children. Like the activities themselves, perhaps the playground squabbles also grow out of the tedium of refugee childhood.

3.5 miles south of the camp, in the village of Niselli, RS rents out a warehouse that serves as the logistical hub for its operations in Greece. Although there are smaller storage facilities near all of the camps, the one in Niselli is the first stop for construction materials, non-perishable foodstuffs, and donated clothing, shoes, and toys. Volunteers sort items upon arrival into boxes and crates, and place them onto wooden pallets or on the warehouse-length shelves that were built by the first volunteers. As needed, items are packed into cars or moving vans, and transported to Alexandreia or the other three camps.

Because of RS’s impending departure, the final week at the warehouse is spent differently: shelves are deconstructed, loose items are sorted, pallets are loaded to capacity and stretch-wrapped, and a final inventory is taken. Most of the items will be loaded onto two trailer-trucks next Tuesday and transported to a smaller facility near the Katsikas camp. Inessential or unportable items will remain in the warehouse, access to which will be given over to the Greek military officer at Alexandreia for him to manage as he sees fit.

Back at the morning briefing, M. O. assigns today’s roles (which are rotated throughout the week) to the volunteers before ceding the floor to J. S. He begins with an expression of gratitude to B. S., F. S., and N. Z. for their work, and reminds the group to keep raising awareness about the refugee crisis after they leave Greece. He meditates on the origins of World Refugee Day and relates it to all that RS has accomplished in its short lifetime. Finally, he welcomes S. D. to the team; her ability to drive stick will be indispensable as the need to shuttle people and materials between the camp and warehouse increases over the next week. J. S. asks her and the other volunteers, should they decide to stay on for subsequent weeks, to be flexible about which of the other camps they are sent to.

The meeting is adjourned at 9:30, and the volunteers are given some time to return to their rooms, gather their day-packs, change into camp-appropriate attire (blue RS T-shirts for all; full-length pants for the women), and fill up their water bottles. The group, now joined by I. N., gathers outside the hotel for one final photo with B. S., F. S., and N. Z. before bidding them farewell. The remaining volunteers pile into the two cars; S. D., being a British driver, is immediately unnerved by the realization that the steering configuration and rules of the road are for right-hand traffic. Today, the short drive to the camp is a slow and steady one.

Driving eastwards from the hotel along Greek National Road 4, which merges into Road 1 about three-quarters of a mile down the way, the camp is impossible to miss - it is to the right of the road, just outside the town limits. To the west of the camp are the local athletic club and soccer pitch; to the north and east are expanses of farmland; and across the road are a gas station and an auto repair shop. A small concrete-block wall surrounds the camp. Above it, a chicken-wire fence and two lines of barbed wire complete the barrier. A passer-by can easily see over the wall and through the fence. There is a tall structure resembling a water tower by the western wall. From the road, one can make out several derelict one- and three-story concrete buildings.

The camp is on the site of a decommissioned military installation, roughly 9 acres large, and is administered through a joint effort of the Greek government and military. There used to be a helicopter division stationed here. Security for the camp is provided by the local police department, which sends one or two officers at a time to man the guardhouse by the entrance. As the volunteers drive in, the young man on duty disinterestedly looks up and waves them through. Technically, all residents, aid workers, volunteers, and visitors must show identification upon entering the camp. The rule is almost never followed. Moreover, the guardhouse is observed to be empty a few times over the course of the week.

The residents of the camp live in containerized housing units organized into six blocks: A, B, C, D, E, and M. There are between twenty and forty units in each block. Past the guardhouse, to the left, is the mess hall, where the kitchen and pantry are located; straight ahead lies the residential sector; and to the right is the central plaza, which includes picnic tables, a basketball hoop, the playground, and a small artificial soccer pitch built by previous RS volunteers.

RS operates from the north side of the plaza, out of the first floor of a three-story building next to the UN Refugee Agency’s (UNHCR) container. There are three rooms: a shop, a boutique, and a storeroom. Across the plaza, two one-story buildings have been turned into a school and a medical and counseling clinic, and behind them is a public toilet. On the west side of the plaza, a lone one-story building serves as a women’s center.

With regard to utilities, the camp is electrified by a pair of diesel generators that are refueled by a local energy company; plumbing has been installed only in the public toilet and a special building in the residential sector where residents wash their clothes; garbage is collected by a local waste management company; and there is a weak Wi-Fi signal throughout the camp.

The containerized housing units are, compared to tents and collapsible refugee housing units, a longer-term solution to the problem of shelter. As with most of the infrastructure here, they were set up by UNHCR in the fall of 2016, replacing the preceding temporary emergency relief tents. While the climate in Alexandreia is Mediterranean, a particularly cold winter and heavy snowfalls forced the change from tents. Each steel-frame unit is 20 feet long and 8 feet wide, with a lockable door and two windows. These new units have given the camp an air of permanence.

Although the units were put in prior to the winter, UNHCR did not install HVAC systems until the spring. Consequently, during the coldest months, the temperature inside the units was only slightly higher than outdoors, often dipping below freezing overnight. Residents kept themselves warm with blankets and space heaters, the latter of which were confiscated by site management after the winter due to fire safety concerns. By the spring, full electrification of the units allowed UNHCR to bring in HVAC systems, small refrigerators, and electric hot plates. After the military ceased hot-food distribution in the spring, the residents started making home-cooked meals using products from both the local supermarket and RS’s shop.

UNHCR recommends that each unit have no more than four occupants, but to avoid breaking up families, this guideline is often ignored. If possible, larger families are housed in two adjacent units, which may be connected to each other by patio-like spaces built from plywood and tarp left over from the tents. Another common scenario involves a small group of unrelated young men (who arrive at the camp around the same time) being housed together.

The volunteers gather in the shop for a final meeting before dispersing to their stations. The day is broken up into morning and afternoon shifts, with a lunch break in-between. With the boutique now closed, and the kitchen operating only in the afternoon (for the preparation of dinner), the focus this morning is on the shop and the warehouse. Before opening the shop at 10:30, the volunteers sweep the floor, restock the shelves, remove spoiled produce and replace it with fresh produce from the storeroom, and check the database to get a sense of how many shoppers should be expected. While the number of morning shoppers varies, Ramadan sleep patterns and a spate of muggy weather have kept the shop relatively quiet in the mornings.

As a Ramadan treat, RS has been providing the residents with extra food this month. In the shop, they are given 0.25 kg of dried Tunisian dates, per person in their housing unit. These do not count against their point balances. The residents appear to enjoy the dates, which are especially popular with the children (since the shop does not carry sweet items beyond sugar, jam, and honey).

In addition to the dates, the volunteers have been going door-to-door, once a week, to distribute pita bread. There are few vendors in Greece who sell Syrian-style bread, and the major distributor is located far away in Athens. Instead, RS has been buying the bread from a Bulgarian vendor; it is only 60 miles to the Bulgarian border from here, whereas Athens is over 200 miles away. Bread was never stocked in the camp shop, but residents would purchase flour, salt, baking powder, and yeast, and bake the bread on their electric hot plates. It is a time-consuming process, and the product is quite different from oven-baked bread.

Today, the bread distribution team consists of D. B., M. O., and S. D. First, they load the bread into the trunk and back seat of the car. S. D. will drive; M. O., who has helped with distribution before, has a list of all the units and how much bread is allocated to each; and D. B. will carry the bread from the car to each unit, going down the rows in each block. Although it is still morning, the temperature has already risen above 90 degrees, and the group must get through roughly a hundred units before lunch. There is almost no shade in the residential sector of the camp.

The expedition starts in blocks A and B, which run parallel to each other on the southwest side of the camp. It is a quiet morning - most of the residents sleep in during Ramadan - but a few children are already up and about, playing outside. They rush over to greet the visiting volunteers. A teen boy, Y., rides up on his bike and offers to help with the distribution. He and his younger brother, J., are often in the shop, helping the volunteers unload grocery shipments and translating for older residents. Two very young children, a boy and a girl, also amble over to the car; they are too young to help, but enjoy the volunteers’ company. As M. O. calls out unit numbers and bread quantities, D. B. unloads them from the car and starts making her trips.

Before block A is halfway finished, A. A. appears and offers to help. Although he is fasting, and his primary role is in the kitchen, he is always willing to help where he can. He takes an order from M. O. and runs (literally) the bread over to the next unit. Being a resident himself, A. A. often knows the whereabouts of residents who are away, which is helpful in cases where no one comes to the door. Because there is only one distribution per week, the team makes a concerted effort to make certain that no one is home. Three knocks, and if still no one answers the door, the team moves on; bread cannot be left on the doorstep or with a neighbor. A. A. tells D. B. to knock on the lower half of the wall rather than the door, since the residents sleep on floor mattresses.

A. A. says that many residents have gone to Thessaloniki or Athens today for their visa sponsorship interviews. Indeed, this trumps even bread and water distribution - it is their ticket out of Alexandreia to more prosperous places in the EU.

With A. A.’s and Y.’s help, the team finishes blocks A and B in less than 20 minutes. As they head over to blocks C and D, a group of boys comes by to check out the progress. M. O. shoos them away each time they try to get into the stacks of bread in the trunk, but it’s all playful. Blocks C and D are finished quickly, too, but as S. D. starts to drive towards block E, two of the boys - I. and M. - grab onto the car. M. O. says that this happens pretty much every time, and that the only way to get the boys to stop is to ignore them. Eventually, one of the older boys in the group convinces M. to leave the car alone, but I. doesn’t budge. He pulls at the door handles, slaps the windows, tugs at the rear windshield wiper, and finally climbs onto the hood of the car. After jumping around for a bit, he gets down, slaps M. across the back of the head, and runs off.

I. does not look like the other boys at the camp. His curly black hair grows in patches, and his scalp is covered in burns.

Before the team makes it over to block E, a boy a bit older than Y. comes running over from block B. He says that his house hasn’t received any bread. M. O. checks her list - the delivery had been marked as completed. The boy is part of a large family that lives in two adjacent units. D. B. does not recall seeing the boy yet this morning, but remembers going to one of the two units. The boy thinks for a moment, then jogs home and returns with his mother. Clearly he has just woken her up, and she is skeptical of his claim. D. B. offers to accompany the pair back to their unit and sort out the situation there. When the older son opens the door, D. B. recognizes his face from before and asks if he had already received bread. The young man yawns and points to a stack in the corner, and the woman playfully scolds her other son before going back inside to sleep.

Blocks E and M are known as the “bachelor blocks”; the majority of young men who arrived at the camp all alone are housed there. They reflect a broader demographic shift. In the first wave of arrivals, almost all of the residents had come with their families, and the camp’s social order was maintained by the elder male heads of household. With the departure of some of these families and recent arrivals of more young men, however, the social dynamic has changed. No serious issues have yet been reported, but some residents have complained about loud music and late parties, and families with teenage daughters feel less at ease. M. O. says that some of the female volunteers also feel uncomfortable going to blocks E and M on their own, choosing instead to go in pairs or asking a male NGO worker to go with them. Today, distribution goes by without a hitch, although the young men are significantly more difficult to wake compared to other residents.

For lunch, the volunteers head to a small roadside cafe a short walk west of the camp. It is a small family business whose proprietor, K. S., runs the establishment with the help of her mother, husband, and daughter. The fare is traditional Greek, and the volunteers mostly opt for vegetable wraps and meat gyros. It is also an opportunity to restock on water, since the water at the camp is not potable.

Just like I. N. and T. K. back at the hotel, K. S. says that the local economy has not recovered since the financial crisis, and in fact only the presence of refugees and NGOs just next door has ensured her business’ survival. She worries that her daughter will not be able to receive an education abroad - Greek universities are free, she says, but not very competitive - and that her family would never be able to emigrate if the economic situation continued to worsen. She says that the incumbent left-wing party has good intentions, but repeatedly gets taken advantage of by Germany and the EU. The Germans, she says, are a different kind of European from the Greeks.

After lunch, the volunteers head back to the camp for the afternoon shift. Some join A. A. and O. A. in the kitchen; others gather art materials from the storeroom and set up at one of the picnic tables outside, soon being joined by a group of younger children; a few head back to the warehouse; and M. O. is in the shop. A minor dispute arises when a shopper questions the accuracy of M. O.’s addition. She compares the items on the counter with those that she logged into the database, and everything adds up. The man doesn’t believe it and asks for a calculator, and when the same result comes up, he laughs and leaves the shop with his groceries.

There will be a series of World Refugee Day events in Thessaloniki later in the evening, and UNHCR has chartered three buses to transport interested residents there and back. Their site coordinator at Alexandreia asks A. R. if he would be willing to spare some volunteers to come along as chaperones, but the group is tired after a full day of physically demanding work. Moreover, the buses are scheduled to return no earlier than 10, and the volunteers might not get to have dinner. Those who had been here last week recounted how UNHCR had taken F. S. and N. Z. along on a similar trip, only to forget about them and leave them to find their own way back to Alexandreia late at night.

Just after 7, the volunteers lock up the shop and the kitchen, gather their belongings, and drive back to the hotel. Not only does the security guard not seem to mind that the group has stayed past the non-resident curfew, but he doesn’t even look up from his phone.

So it is in Alexandreia on the 20th of June.

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 56 - 62

This has been a hard one. So you know how Ramadan is the month you fast and al and your supposed to strengthen your spirituality and all. Well Ramadan went well Alhamdulillah but it is more like all these things happened to me this one week more compared to during Ramadan. 

So I started walking on the treadmill. I planned on 2 hours a day but ended up doing one hour everyday. Well when i decided on 2hrs it was what i ‘preferred’. 1hr, duh, is the ‘minimum’ and more than 2 hours is highly appreciable but im still proud i could at least do the bare minimum this week yay! well proud is exaggeration tbh, im just not panicking and depressed  because I maintained the bare minimum but im not like ‘happy’ or impressed cause I dont see any progress. But then again, the way i define ‘progress’ is kind of too high standard as always so yeah I am kind of harsh on myself ‘as always’ again so maybe I am kinda doing okay i guess. well but bottom line, im not really ‘impressed’. 

Aha ok so theres that. then um oh! me catching cold after coming from Makkah, Well in the beginning i was sooooo tired for a day or two like i couldnt function at all. But then yeah all the classic symptoms started to arise. coughing, sneezing, throat irritation, blocked nose, runny nose, greenish sputum, difficulty breathing. Oh God, you name it! so I have been on medication for a week now and I have to continue for another 1 week. And its just not going away yet. like its there, constant! except for just last night when my throat wasnt itching much and luckily i could sleep like a babyyyyyyyyy for a change after a week. Oh so this whole week I used to go to bed around 12 to 1 or at 2 latest! Now whether I could fall asleep is a different story. Well most of the nights I did try to fall asleep like till fajr and i could like sleep for an hour or 2 max and then I would just wake up from coughing so much. and then Id just lie down till fajr and then get up and pray and then go to bed. 2 of the mornings I worked out after fajr and then took a shower and then slept around 7 in the morning. 

during the day, well i wake up always keeping in mind that I should not miss zuhr so lol that mean i kinda wake up usually around 2pm or even later sometimes. Since im talking about the entire week, this is like what i did majority of the days. Some days i woke up earlier though. but maybe thats like a day or 2 out of 7.  So its so hot during the day, like you dont even need to ‘move’ and youll already be sweating! I totally hate it and I have never been that tired of any weather ugh. Like I totally love winter now. not cause idk its fun or something but like i hate summer so muchhhhhhh that yeah i can basically go like i love winter 

Ok so the week kinda started with me being kind of tired mentally. parents were in the middle of a huge argument so yeah the whole atmosphere in the house was kinda blue and then I started eating so less and then starting with the treadmill and all and well it was just a bit tough to move from a phase to another. I wasnt having negative vibes and all but i just wished for more from life. I mean sometimes it is kind of too much to take. I get all the stuff about life not supposed to be perfect and how it is just temporary and how we should not get attached to worldly things. Yes all of that is cool and i get it but then when you are actually experiencing those ‘downs’ in life, youre obviously not going to be ‘okay’ with it and ofcourse youll wish things were better or youd just feel mentally drained out - despite knowing the entire “concept” of life - 

So yeah thats the phase I was in for a few days and then after a lot of thinking how I suddenly got out of the phase was when I was thinking about how every single person is subjected to life is a completely different way. Like you can never compare. You might think your life is horrible and so much shit has happened to you and everything and maybe someone else who never had to face anything similiar to the ‘shit’ you went through. Well maybe they had to experience something else. Something you are too blessed to even be aware of. What I am trying to say is how sometimes we wish for things is life and other people have it, that what you want. Or maybe they dont have what you want, but then in general it seems like there life seems ‘happier’ than yours. Well I dont really think it is true anymore. I kind of think everyone goes through almost an equal share of good and bad. and how do we define what is ‘good’ and what is ‘bad’? Well we just cant tbh. Because what might seem good to me and I would wish for could be something someone has and feels cursed with. I mean its all about perceptions. So someone maybe suffering in their own way but you are not just seeing it. Basically the point is, 

We should always be thankful, be patient and keep breathing. We should be aware of how our life is not going to be a compilation of scenes you get to watch in movies or be picture perfect. And we also need to protect ourselves from getting attached to anything or anyone so much! We need to be okay with letting go of things or people if we ever have to! And we also need to know that every single person out there ~ Everyone’s life is perfectly imperfect. Yes, of course I cant really disagree to how some people might seem to have better lives but then again, all the hardships you go through, you are being tested and you are being rewarded for them so at the end of the day it all balances off. 

So I was kind of really bored with life in general and also my days were boring too. Well theyre still pretty much boring but like i was also bored of life. Then I started thinking of certain people who are having more boring lives than mine, and who dont even have the blessings I am gifted with. And everything started to just get more acceptable. And then I started thinking of my brother. I mean its so cool he is going to move to Canada in like less than 2 months inshaAllah and all. I am really happy for him and wish nothing but the best of the best for him and all but but but.. I mean just think of it. At first I was thinking of my some of the people Ik who arent really in a pretty place maybe because of financial reasons. Then there were people that came to my mind who arent in a pretty place because of just family reasons. And then ones who are just simply having to work a bit harder and so theyre not at a pretty place. Some who are away from friends, family because of life. So yeah. then I started thinking of my brother. I mean he is going to move soon and he will be living in a dorm and I mean he will be in Canada in one of the top 5 universities in the country and he has a scholarship. MashAllah that all sounds so great. Something Id want too but but but. then i started thinking of life in general. I mean he will be living on his own. He doesnt have to cook though, he has subscribed to a meal plan so he doesnt have to worry about preparing his food. but like living alone in his dorm room. I mean coming home every day to his room. Well cool thing though he wont be sharing a room with anyone and he will have his own toilet and stuff but then again, i mean he will be alone. Im not saying that an alternate scenario could be one where hed come home to his family and woah everyone would be partying and laughing and smiling and all. I mean even when he is at home right now he is like always in front of his computer busy with his own stuff and all but like idk Id still prefer coming home and having some other humans who are family. Atleast once in a while you know. or maybe its just me. but then still, i mean uni and studies are stressful enough, id just want to see people i love around! And yeah that is one of the main reasons why I didnt finally decide to study abroad right after high school! 

So yeah then I started realizing that there are so many ways I already am blessed. Even on every one of my ‘boring’ days, there are blessings i am encountering which many people arent getting even on their normal days. Yeah that kind of cheered me up! 

So this week, more like this month or like the entire 2 months will be about my bro lol. I mean theres a lot of shopping to do. like clothes, toilet stuff, laundry stuff, bed, pillow, shoe, laptop, tootpaste, mug, spoon and what not. literally everything. I mean its actually fun. Like you go to a shop and literally anything you touch, is something in the shopping list for him!! i mean normally somethings are like just too basic, youd never in years touch them in a shop cause like you have it, its there!!! but for him, have to get everything since he will start from scratch! 

Ok so now about myself! Well like i said, the week started pretty rough because of the whole change in phase. parents fighting, me not eating much considering how food is one of the means by which i look for comfort, and then life just being boring in general and then how getting on the treadmill is such a pain in the ass in the first place and not to mention the extremely hot temperature these days and then you dont really see any difference. I mean duh. DUHHHHH howd i even be thinking to see any difference? I mean i KNOWWW its too soon for any difference but like all these staying patient emotionally, mentally about so many different aspects in life..It all can get pretty heavy sometimes!!!! Oh and then its like i really really really love myself. Like a LOT LOT. now like i said, once you already love someone, I mean, well, to fall in love ofcourse the person needs to have good qualities most of the time but then like once you already love someone, you love them despite their imperfections. Well, thats how you love ‘another person’. but when you love yourself. Forget qualities!!! you love yourself regardless lol! Where I am getting with this is!!! I mean right now, i really am not AT ALL happy with my body, like not. at . ALL. Infact I have never been this unhappy about my body ever in my life. And also I kind of feel really dumb. Like wow, Alhamdulillah whatever I did in my exams and all, i am thankful for that but like as a person in general. I really dont feel smart enough plus I literally dont remember anything i studied. like i actually wonder how tf did are they just not there in my head anymore. Like i definitely did study them or else i wouldnt pass my exams so now where the hellllll did all that go awaaayyyyy whatttttttttt

yeah so 4th year basically you need to know your shit. like you actually need to know what they taught you in the last 3 years. like youre actually be walking with doctors and interacting with them one on one. its not going to be like the last 3 years where like it doesnt really matter whether you are alive or dead, asleep or awake. like you just make sure you have your name signed. so theres the attendance part covered. and you make sure you finish every lecture and to do that you have time till before you enter the “exam code” on your laptop and start the exam!!!! You see, now! you actually need to know shit, you actually need to go see patients with the doctors and even without the doctors, you need to go to patients, and take history from them which TADAAA will be in arabic. oh wow!! So yeah if you dont know arabic you need a friend/ translator! yeah and then you need to tell your history to your doctor in english thank god lol :p but like yeah, and you ll be in small groups of 6 - 10 with a doctor and like he might bring up a disease he wants to discuss and SURE af it wont be something they found out about 2 minutes ago. ofcourse it will be something we are expected to have covered in the last 3 years or uni and you cant just go like. OH I never heard about it!!!! Idk what it is!!! Ok lol i guess im freaking out now. 

Anyways so what i was saying. yeah so not happy with my body, plus i think im really dumb and then its just TOO DAMN HOT i cant do anything, I CANT EVEN MOVE. so yeah its pretty disturbing! Also not to mention how not eating much is so hard Ughh! 

Ok so i have been typing for over an hour now. I kind of think I covered everything I wanted to blog about for the whole week but like Im not sure and I dont want to read all what i wrote right now cause its already so boring cause its like always in my head anywaysssss and yeah thats one nice thing about blogging. Ahh. like once i hit the ‘post’ button and then woah!!! all these thoughts just turn into feather in my head!!!!! hahaahh!! 

But i still do read what i write again everytime, prolly at the end of the day to make sure nothing is ‘misunderstood or sounds completely opposite of what I actually wanted to say and all. blablaaa. So yeah if somethings mssing, ill fill it up

okay enough blabbering. Tataa!!!!!! :)