#its pretty epic when i barely have to think while im writing the words just appear on the page somehow

[coolxatu]

i love using pens to draft my stories because it almost always turns into a flow chart when i inevitably decide there should be sentences in between what i already wrote and i have to draw arrows all across the page. and cause i cant erase things im constantly crossing shit out and squeezing tiny words into margins where they really dont fit which along with my hand writing makes it the most illegible piece of paper on planet earth. like no joke both my notes and my journal read like a house of leaves chapter

[detectivesappho]

devil hearts that mourns

A/N: I did not outline, I vibed for a whole hour to write this done, barely any edit. You won't see any product like this because Im trying to cure perfectionism. @seravadumortain . The denial is fucking real here. +Im going back to outlining after this, oml, the amount of times I did NOT know what to do is just. Oof. ps. but also maybe not as this is a lot more fun and easier to do, oof. Please do share thy opinions and criticisms.

Wordcount: 1295

Tags: Angst, Denial over feelings, Unsure over feelings, Mutual Pining, They just won't get together.

Summary: Farah is gets physically hurt when Detective Azalea chooses to save Sanja. She regrets.

cr. to 'Accident' by Chrystos for "give me a word for pain that is sharp enough."

--

She doesn't move.

( do you know pain? )

She can't move, that is the most frightening of things. The world--- time, its hands clicking, brushing numericals on the clock but her feet stays steady on the ground. Her knees doesn't buckle. But her eyes see red beyond what others see.

She sees Farah's blood.

Her blood staining her pretty fingers.

( give me a word for pain that is sharp enough )

The numericals, they pass pass pass. She can't reach out and stop it from ticking. Nat moved her to a place, safe enough, she said. They're back in the agency, she whispered.

She closes her eyes.

She does not know how long she is there, still. The others leave her behind. When she opens her eyes, it's only Morgan who stayed.

"Is she alright?" Her dry throat is parch, she can only croak out the words. Morgan takes the cigarette off her lips, blowing off smoke.

She nods, after a moment.

"She is."

"And?"

"She doesn't take the injury serious enough." She scoffs.

( a word that is more rain than sunshine, more wreckage than storm . )

"Oh." She says this as others would say surprise. When she was young, she learned to close herself off. It is better, she would say. Less hurt, lesser hurts--- Azalea would sing this like a church's chorus in her head. Until really, she can't feel anything.

Morgan doesn't mind it, from across.

"She's looking for you."

Azalea frowns, turning away, lips pursed.

"I know."

"You don't." Morgan barks out a satirical laughter. "If you did, you'd be there. She refuses to sleep and its taking a toll."

She sighs, looking up to meet matching grays.

"Do I look like I care?" Azalea shifts, standing from the sofa. When she blinks, the world clears a little to tell her they were in the lounge, the soft colors hurting her eyes, only reminding her of what she did. What she's done.

She runs a hand over her hair. "Look, I saved Sanja. I don't think I---"

Morgan snaps. "If you saved Sanja then stop moping about the fact you did."

Azalea flinches.

"You want to leave?" Morgan raises a brow, opening up her arms. "Feel free to. I'm just saying what Ava told me."

The vampiir looks away, returning to her unfinished cigarette. Morgan doesn't say, Farah wants you. She most especially didn't say, that's what Ava told me.

But the woman implies it.

She closes her eyes.

Takes a heavy inhale in, and here, Atlas, she would say, this weight of the air is like a hundred worlds behind my back.

She leaves the lounge.

( let us sing a song for the lovers, where they kiss under the birth of the sun and love under aging moons. let us sing a song of werewolves, all bite and claws, all-devouring and lust. )

She finds her way around the maze, until she reaches where, supposedly, Farah would be. Ava is outside, as if waiting. She looks. Azalea meets her eyes.

Ava sighs.

"She won't lay down, but the medication will soon kick in. Dr. Tuft managed."

Morgan didn't say that. But Azalea nods, either.

"Morgan told me, some."

There's a twitch on Ava's lips. Azalea wonders, for a moment, what happened while she was in a daze. While she saw Farah lying on the ground and she just completely froze herself inside to out.

Azalea walks past Ava, about to open the doors---

"She says its not your fault." She stills. Ava continues. "I--- we, do not put blame for the choice you had to have made."

Ava and her had butted harsh heads the first time they met. But she too, was the first person Azalea could get close to.

She sighs.

There's a little smile on her face, just soft.

"Thank you."

She pushes open the doors. Her grey eyes meets the sun.

( or, if not a song, then an elegy. an epic of lesser goddesses and mortal maidens. of the naiads that took princesses, the driads that loved the maids. if not epic, then true story, long novel, or fairytale. the cinderella-knight and her rogue-ish princess. )

"Finally." Farah huffs from the bed. But Azalea is startled, slightly, by a bright unicorn pendant hanging by the bed, some guardian that adds a little brightness in the dull, white-gray walls. Farah shifts lightly, flinches when she seems to have nudged a sore spot. Azalea is quick by her side, easing her lightly back down.

"I wanted to sit."

"You needed to rest."

Farah scrunches her nose. "Do I, majestic being, deserve rest in this hospital bed?"

Azalea snickers. "What do you deserve? A coffin to sleep in?"

"As if I'd die from lack of rest!"

Azalea looks her over.

"You look good enough to play the part."

Farah groans, but there's a small, relieved smile on her face, she gestures for her to sit. She does. Azalea smiles a little too, before she looks away, trying to blink away the tears.

She saved Sanja, not her. Not even when she pleaded for it.

"It's my fault." Azalea gasps out, the torrent of guilt washing over her like a thousand foot wave devouring sea caves. "I just---"

"I don't hate you for it."

"I'll do the part of hating, as if I haven't done it before." Azalea huffs. "Just. Hate me. Tell me you're disappointed and---"

"And you're telling a patient who desperately needs to rest work up enough a temper to get mad at you?" Farah chuckles, but her eyes soften when she turns to Azalea. "I can't blame you, silly. I love you too much for that, and know you enough as well."

Azalea flinches at the confession. Hearing heartbreak than love, hearing pain than love.

"Can you not say things like that?"

"What?" Farah raises a brow, "Love?"

"I'm not denying. I just. I don't think I'm---"

"I'll wait." Farah yawns. "For now, play big spoon?" She curls on her side, looking at Azalea. Like these, these moments where she says, don't leave, Azalea can never deny even though she knows she should.

Love, and pain. Its like she can't leave it as long as its Farah who gives and takes. As if she is willing to open herself up unconsciously even if her lips says no. Willing to take out her heart.

"Alright." She sighs, taking her place beside Farah, who fits around her, placing her head on her arm as she gives a content sigh. Azalea looks over her features, then gives a grunt.

"When you're like this, you're making me love you more."

"Then why don't we just get together?" She pipes up in her arms.

"Didn't you say you'd wait?" Azalea chuckles.

Farah gives an exaggerated, and exhausted gasp. "Why wait when you know you could just get together already?"

Because you can say you want it, but not take it for yourself. Like all lovers in television where they could have it and yet not reach out and take it.

"I need to fix something of myself." She replies. Fix things as in her fear for the unknown. Fix as in what she is, human-skin and monster-flesh. Fix as in she's still carrying her burden and she doesn't want to let Farah carry it. "Then maybe, just maybe."

Farah doesn't reply for a long moment, Azalea closes her eyes too.

"I like you no matter what." There's the careful whisper, Azalea could just barely hear. Her heart pounds loudly in her chest, and she wonders if Farah could her thoughts. "But at least you didn't say no." Azalea would laugh then, but lethargy takes her quick, especially with such a warm, love-heavy body curled by her side.

[tiny-dinos-running]

update ...

alright, here we go. I’ve put on some music and lit a candle. this is gonna be a long one so buckle up buckaroo. (if you are a stranger reading this i am SO sorry)

let’s start by saying i did write a long-ass letter to swim about two months ago but Tumblr deleted it when it tried to post. i got so frustrated that i logged off and tried to forget about it. In the future i plan to rewrote that post but i want it to be sincere so I'm holding off for a while longer. I do want it to be documented though. 

time to get into life. i think I'm gonna do it list style 

1. Graduation.

I haven’t updated since before Disney world (amazing btw,, will post pictures soon). I graduated in May of 2019. It was freeing and added more pressure all at once. All of these memories are jumbled up with my hatred of swimming at the time. Everyone was asking my plans for the future and i had to say “I’m going to Northern State University in South Dakota to swim and study to become a ped. physical therapist.” even though i wasn't quite sure that was what i wanted to do. I mean that WAS the plan. BUt maybe i didn't love swimming anymore and SD is awfully cold. My graduation party was pretty sad tbh. barely anyone i know showed up and it made me sad. i felt very alone the whole day and just unwanted. I told my mom i didn't want a party for that exact reason but she didn't listen and i was left feeling beaten down by life. I was honestly very depressed at this point but hadn't realized just how bad it was. 

2. Summer. 

summer was strange. i taught cole and mase how to swim and that was great. i got to start a love for a swim while mine was slowly dying out. Bri was one of the first people to know that i was thinking about quitting. At the end of June, i had made the decision 99.9% of the way that i was ready to be done swimming. I held out till July and i went into EPIC looked at Coach Kirk and told him i was done. This was it. I was retiring. a swammer. those words bring tears to my eye still but not because i regret it but because it's hard to picture my identity without swimming. I loved swimming so much and here i was walking away from it. a strange mix of emotions. ( a letter for another day). the rest of the summer consisted of telling NSU that i would not be coming, getting very tan, and enjoying the first summer i can remember that i had no responsibilities. I lifted with Kevin, kai, cass, and Hannah which was really fun and a great way to keep my body moving. i still live but its just Kevin and me )and a few of his friends) oh and also I and Abby decided that we were gonna learn how to skateboard. we are not good. we are reaallll baddd. and i turned 18! by dad

3. Nanny.

so since i was taking a gap year i had to get a job. I ended up with this AWESOME job nannying two boys. D is 4 and so so fun. I spend most of my days with him. He is such an introvert and has the stubbornness of 100 bulls. My mom says that we sound like we are the same person which i would have to agree with. I find him so funny and i truly love that little guy. he's like my little best friend. M is 8 and so crazy cool. I don't see much of him because school but when i do i am constantly amazed by him. He does biking ( like ticks and stuff) and is an awesome little climber! also is probably one of the bravest people I've ever met. a daredevil at heart. he is gonna be such a cool person one day and i hope that he continues to carry his bravery and love for life with him. 

4. Winter.

well, a little mental health update. After i quit swimming things got so so much better. July, Aug, Sept, Oct and the beginning on nov was GREAT! i felt so normal. i was able to get out of bed and do things and function as a real-life person. my anxiety levels haven't really recovered and i still find my self on the edge all the time. We talked about some anxiety meds but that never really went anywhere. I don't want to become into a zombie person so i guess ill hold off. now that winter had appeared I’m feeling worse. my energy has dropped and its harder to get out of bed every day. I feel gross again. it scared me because I don't want it to get bad again but im not sure what i can do. im just ready to be somewhere warm. the hot air and shinning sun revive me. 

5. College. 

i applied to a few colleges. Auburn, Alabama, University of Florida, and the Universit of south Florida, and CU Boulder. i don't want t go to CU but my mom does. i cant be in co any longer. i think ill go to usf. i really like it and its only 20 mins away from Abby and 1 and half hours away from Disney World.

in all honesty, things are good and much better than six months ago. well, see where the new year takes us. happy holidays and have a good new year 

10/8/19