#its okay. children fall down the stairs all the time. right? like thats a normal thing for kids to do lol

[narcissa-black-supermacy]

"i can't believe remus hadn't done more for harry he was best friends with james he should have reached out"

have you ever met a Man in real life? knowing your dead bestie's son is being hunted down by a bunch of nazi terrorists and lives with awful people who hate him and being like "huh. well i guess if he'll need help he'll let me know. here, have some chocolate" is like, the most in-character thing for a male character to do

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Home - Part 11

While Bucky was bathing the girls and getting them ready for bed Steve and I were cleaning up the kitchen. I was stood at the sink arms buried in soapy water as i scrubbed the pans before passing them to Steve to dry.

"So things with you and Bucky must be good?" Steve said smirking.

"Yeah things are great actually Steve"

"Im glad, i like seeing him happy again. You know your the first woman his been with since Olivia"

"Olivia was his wife right?"

"Yeah, you guys spoken about her?"

I shook my head at Steves question.

"Not really. He doesn't like to talk about her, his mentioned her a handful of times but nothing major"

"They were going through a rough patch when she fell pregnant with Rosie, they hadn't planned on having her.... Buck had even said they were considering a divorce. But once they found out about Rosie they agreed to try again"

"I didn't know that, all i really know is she passed while having Rosie"

"Yeah it was an awful time. Since Olivia though Bucky hasn't dated at all. All his time goes into work and the girls. I'm glad he has you in his life. His been more like the Bucky i used to know and I've missed him" Steve said with a smile "you've been amazing to all of them Y/N"

"I haven't really done anything Steve..."

"You've done more than you know"

"I'll take your word on that" i chuckled quietly passing him the last of the pots to dry "i feel like I've brought nothing but drama to his life, Ms Harper acting up because she's a jealous bitch, my asshole of an ex husband showing up and now Chloe....." i sigh "i cant help but think he'd be better off with me out of the picture"

"You kidding?? He'd be devastated if he lost you"

"Don't worry I'm not planning on going anywhere. There's no way id be able to leave him and the girls.... or you" i added smiling at him "but it doesn't stop me wondering"

"Things will calm down sweetheart, i promise".

A knock at the door made us both look towards the front door, it was just after 8pm and we wasn't expecting visitors.

"Stay here, i'll get it" Steve said before making his way to the front door.

He reappeared moments later with another man walking behind him.

"Y/N this is Sam Wilson, his the one who's been looking for Jack. Sam this is our lovely Y/N" Steve introduced us.

"Its real nice to meet you Y/N, i just wish it was under better circumstances"

"You too Sam, thank you for helping with this Jack thing"

"Hey anything i can do to get this scum bag, i'll do it. Bucky told me all about everything that happened, i can't believe no one would help you before"

"No one seemed to care" i shrugged "Jack's got friends in high places"

"Don't worry, when we find him he wont stand a chance by the time we're done with him"

"Still can't find him then huh?"

"Not yet, but we will"

"Rosie! Rosie get your butt back in here" Bucky was suddenly shouting before a naked wet Rosie came running through the living room and diving at me.

"Well hello to you too Miss Rosie" i laughed picking her up "Be right back" i told Steve and Sam before taking Rosie back upstairs.

"Returning one naked child" i laughed grabbing a towel and wrapping it around Rosie. Looking around i noticed the bathroom was soaked and so was Bucky "What the hell happened in here?" I laughed looking down at Bucky who looked exhausted.

"I forgot how chaotic it is bathing 3 children is what happened here. Brooklyn insisted on wearing her bathing suit, Allie and Rosie just kept fighting and splashing..... Brooke has gone to get herself ready for bed, i got Rosie out the tub.... by the time i had Allie out Rosie had done a runner!!"

"Yeah you gotta be quick Buck" i couldnt help but laugh at the look on his face.

"It never used to be this difficult"

"Awww poor baby" i cooed at him "go get changed i'll sort Rosie and Allie out and check on Brooke"

"No its fine i can do it...."

"I know you can, but Steve's downstairs with Sam you should go down"

"Has he found Jack?"

"Not yet. Go get changed we wont be too long".

As Bucky passed he leant down to press a quick kiss to my lips "your the best".

Once the girls were dried and dressed in their pyjamas i quickly dried their hair and braided it to keep it as neat as possible.

"Lets go downstairs and say goodnight"

Brooke and Allie ran downstairs (still too lively for this time of night) while Rosie was already cuddled up in my arms falling asleep.

"Their they are!" I heard Sam say before the girls started shouting excitedly for their Uncle Sam.

"One down, two to go" Bucky said smiling at Rosie asleep in my arms.

"She's always the first down" i smiled stroking my hand up and down her back. Bucky reached for my hand and pulled me and Rosie down into his lap.

"Hey Buck you gonna get the beers or what?" Steve said from one of the sofa's where Allie was now jumping on him.

"Ive got my hands full here you punk"

"Oh i see that" Steve smirked like the little shit he was.

"go get it yourself you normally do" Bucky laughed at his friend.

"Fine! I'll get them".

Bucky's POV

Y/N was fast asleep in my lap still holding onto Rosie, i couldn't help but smile down at the woman in my arms.

It was crazy how easily she fit into our lives, it felt like she'd always been here with us.

"Look at him Sam, have you ever seen him so loved up?" Steve teased nudging Sam making him laugh.

"Honestly? No!" He shook his head smiling over at me and Y/N.

"Shut up!" I mumbled at my friends rolling my eyes feeling myself blush.

"Its nothing to be embarrassed about Buck, its a good look on you. You look happy, truly happy"

"I am, i forgot what it felt like to have someone in my life like this. I can't even remember it ever feeling like this with Olivia. I mean, i loved her of course i did... we had the girls.... but it was never this easy" i said looking down at Y/N again "its just so natural with her, even before we admitted how we felt about eachother"

"Just dont mess it up Buck, she's one of the good ones" Steve said shifting in his seat before he started picking the label on his beer bottle.

"I won't"

"Now we just gotta find her dick of an ex husband" Steve grumbled.

"You got that right. Sam, you haven't found anything?"

"Well he had been staying at the Palmdale Hotel but he stopped showing up there after the incident at the store. So he must know we're looking for him, maybe he left town.... we haven't found any trace of him still being here Buck"

"Maybe, he wont stay gone for long though. The guy is hellbent on getting her back"

"He won't get near her dont worry, even if it means one of us is with her at all times" Steve added finishing the rest of his beer and putting the empty bottle on the table.

"Yeah I'm sure she'll love that" i shook my head, i could just imagine how she would react to having one of us 'babysitting' her 24/7 until Jack was dealt with.

"Well she'll just have to deal with it"

"I'll keep looking too, any sign i'll let you know" Sam nodded "she gonna be staying here with you until we find Jack?"

"Yeah, i wanna make sure she's safe".

"Thats probably best, well i should get home before Wanda starts calling me wondering where i am" Sam laughed as he got up from the sofa "you need anything call me"

"Thanks Sam, you and Wanda should come by for dinner this weekend if your free?"

"Yeah sounds good Buck"

"I'll walk you out" Steve told him following him to the front door leaving me alone with my sleeping girls.

"Hey doll" i said quietly stroking her arm "wake up, lets get you to bed".

Her eyes fluttered open and she just stared at me as a smile spread on her face.

"Hey"

"Hey baby, you ready for bed?"

"Mmmmm, best get the girls to bed first though. Steve and Sam gone?"

"Steve's just seeing Sam out, he'll probably crash in the guest room its getting late and his had a couple of beers"

"Okay" she leant forward and pressed a kiss to my lips before getting up from my lap with Rosie.

"I'll take Rosie up, you okay with Brooke and Allie?"

"Yeah, i'll be up in a minute" i smiled as i watched her leave the room.

"You need a hand with the girls?" Steve offered coming back in.

"Yeah thanks, you take one i'll get the other. You staying?"

"If thats okay"

"Of course it is" i nodded with a smile to Steve as he picked up Allie who was closest to him and took her up, i picked up Brooke and headed towards the stairs turning off the lights as i went, setting the alarm and making sure the front door was locked before i went up. After putting the girls in their beds i said goodnight to Steve and headed for my room where i knew Y/N would be waiting for me and i couldn't wait to have her in my arms.

Home taglist: @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @lumar014

@bbmommy0902 @past-perfect-future-tense

@heathens-takeitsl0w @captainchrisstan

@ladymelissastark @93generation

@sebastianstansqueen @oceansxpurple

@Imjstaghoststory @rainbowkisses31

@superavengerpotterstar @cap-just-said-language

@booktease21 @ms-betsy-fangirl @wildest-dream-

@michelehansel @thummbelina @abbylizy

@sweetlittlegingy @lorabem @barnesandrogersworld @dumblani @broco8

[prissypickle]

I did it

One year ago today I finished highschool. One year ago today I finished the toughest journeys of all times. Highschool was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. There was so many people who ruined it but there was so many people who made it better for me. My freshman year I attempted suicide and was admitted to a mental hospital and and no school wanted to take me in. At the time Fir Ridge Campus didn’t take in freshman. So I had no choice but to drop out. David Douglas straight up told me that I couldnt go there. I had too many problems and They couldn’t give me an education. In spring of my freshman year I enrolled in an online school called metro east web academy. Of course with all my mental health issues I had no motivation to do any of it. In the end I only got one credit for it. And that was for creative writing. I’m with ICTS which is where people come outd to your house three times a week for therapy. So I was with them for six months. It was hard saying goodbye. But then I went yo seeing a therapist once a week. I was still cutting often. But back to my schooling, I didn’t do anything and my mom was so pissed at the david doglas school district because the refused to put me in a school and finally she wrote a three page nasty letter saying how I needed to be in a school and thats how I got to fir ridge.

My freshman year I was so scared. I couldn’t tell you how scared I was. I didn’t go to school. I was fucked up in the head, cutting and I didn’t know anyone. So I didn’t really talk to anyone on my first day. But within a few days I met a small group of friends that I could relate to. Which was great. The next best thing was that there was a school counselor and a therapist that came to the school. So on top of going to seeing a therapist once a week I went to see him once a week. He was from Trillium services. He was a great therapist. I saw him from 45 minutes to an hour. My school counselor was mamed Michael and he was probably the best counselor anyone could ask for. He understood me. When I needed my space he let me sit in the office or library and do my work. When I had my mental break downs he gave me a quiet space. He was amazing. I have terrible anxiety with loud noises and whenever we had a firedrill I would cry and have a panic attack when there was he warned me and brought me to the office telling me when so I wasnt as afraid. As I said. He was the best school counselor anyone could ask for.

I had this friend. Her name was Iris. I cared for her so so much she was my first friend I made in middle school and she went to a diffent school but she had problems at the time and so she was looking into my school and I was thrilled. But before ahe came she also had issues and so she went to a rehab place. I called her family every day to see how she was doing. I sent flowers and cards because well, wouldn’t a best friend do that? When she got out she started at Fir Ridge Campus a bit later. I was so happy we reunited again. We started having sleep overs and everything. Okay? But one time during a sleepover she stole her parents credit card and bought something, which was a peircing kit and I had no idea so she came to my house when it was delivered and took it before I was home. I’ll also mention around two years ago she stole my ipod. But anyway so this happened and it happened once more but with tea but ahe sent it to her house instead of mine. So her mom was like “you arent ever allowed to see her again” blaming me for her daughter peircing herself. That was the hardest thing for me to hear because she was my best friend. Or so I thought she was. I believe this was all happening during my Junior year or late sophomore I cant remember it was so hectic. Ill come back to this bitch a little bit later.

But my Junior year I did this amazing thing called camp pheniox. That was the second the best and worst part of highschool. Its a two day overnight camp plus 4 weeks of after care. During the two nights you broke yourself down talking about the horrible things in life and at the end you are rebuilding yourself and raising up into a pheniox. During the process you did multiple activites which were happy, sad and heartbreaking realizing how fucked up and broken you were on the inside. One of the days you clumb a tree and tell everyone what you committ to. And I said I committ to my family and my support system. And then you had to walk on a tightrope with another person and jump when you couldnt do it anymore. And the other classmates are completely in control of the rope and your harness. Then the second activity we did was get in a harness and go up and your classmates pull you up until you say stop. Basically a gaiant swing okay. So I was letting go past teachers which I will get on explaining to more. And then letting in good teachers and then you yank it and I did a 90 foot free fall and holy shit was that fun. As i said it was the best and wors part of it because i landed up in teen intensive outpatient because I was cutting and I was extremely depressed.

But back to the teacher thing. There was a history teacher her name was Karen and she was a bitch to me. She hated me. And She KNEW i struggled with anxiety and she KNEW that I hated being with loud people and so I always needed to go to the office to see a counselor and I always finished up my work at home. And finally she was like you have to go to detention to finish this. And so Im in the office complete sobbing and my council waves it off. And other time with her was when my counselor talked to her about it she didnt talk to me for 3 DAYS like seriously she was so immature. Then When I came back from thr weekend she didnt call on anyone else but me. Then at the end of the week there was a new seating chart and I came in late because I was talking yo the trillium therapist okay and she shows me my seat and Im calm and I say no. And shes like yes. And I calmly explain to her why I cant go sit next to him because be gave me anxiety. And then she PROCEEDS to yell at me infront of the whole class who is now stairing at me and Im completely crying now infront of the class go to the principals office to fucking write me a refferl because i was arguing with her. Which the princapal immediately threw it out. The princapal at the time was absolutely amazing. She took me out on the track as I cried and walked with me.

So my junior year is happening and I went to camp pheniox and outdoor school it was great okay. So I went to outdoor school for my third session and I broke my ankle and had to stay home for a week and you remember this Iris girl who is my best friend??? Well not anymore. When I was away at outdoor school where I couldn’t DEFEND myself she went to the counselor and said. That I raped her and drugged her with majauana. And In like balling my eyes out because Im so fucking confused and why she did that. And so the counselor literally asked if I did it and Im like what the fuck do you really think I did it. And Im like crying at her because Im so upset. Like who in the right mind would accuse someone of rape. I mean I work with children. I was a swim instructor at the time. If she went to the police I could’ve been arrested and fired from my job which she didnt go because she knew she was a lying skank ass bitch. Also they couldve drug tested me because I wasnt even smoking at the time! And so Im in the office and my counselor is like “what are you feeling?” And I littlerly upfront say” I want to punch this bitch in the face,” she she looked at me “you cant do that” and Im like “no shit I cant do it. I want to but tgat doesnt mean I am going to.” And she sighs like after and hour of fuming she tells me Im not allowed to tell ANYONE and Im like fine whatever.

But I go to my momma jill and tell her and I like an crying to her and shes just holding me. But seriously then the vice principal calls me in during third period to talk more about what happened ALSO i had a freaking alliby because I was at fucking teen Intensive outpaitent during the time she accused me! Basically it was a whole clusterfuck

. It got 100% worse when there was an assembly and youll never guess who was running it the skank ass Iris. So she started talking about rape. And then she says “someone here raped me” and then she looked over at me. I kid you not. And my dad was there and he stood up and I cant remember exactly what he said but it was along the lines of “you shouldnt accuse anyone of rape either,” he said or something like that Im to busy crying and my teacher holding my hand. Finally my dad comes over to me and says were leaving. So my worst fear now the whole school knows that Iris accused me of rape and drugging her. So im literally in the gym having the WORST mental breakdown of my life and I mean screaming at the too of my lungs dropping to the knees hitting the floor. There was the security guy and Joey one of the teachers along with the princapal and vice principal trying to calm me down. And my dads crying because hes upset because of what Iris had said. And they told me to stay home for a few days until I could calm down.

So I came bac the following monday. I was so depressed I wanted to die. I almost had another suicide attempt but I thought about Taylor Swift and how I would never get t meet her and that just made me hold onto life just a little bit longer. So by the end of the year it was time for prom and so I was nominated for.... you guessed it prom court equivalent to prom princess/prince and can you guesd who was nominated too? That bitch Iris. So we were BOTH up against each other and trust me I was NOT going to let her win. So I baked my ass off and probably made over 200 cupcakes and fed them to the entire school and when I was time for prom. I won. I won prom princess. That was the best night of my entire life. My entire highschool carrer I felt normal. Everything was perfect

. Soon my Junior year ended. And summer came and went and my Senior yesr started. I only needed 1 credit to graduate .5 government .5 global studies. So I took government first which I got like knocked down a ton because i refused to do presentations because i hate speaking infront of a class but I still passed with a A. Then global studies I REFUSED to take with Karen again. So I did 5 at least 250 page packets in one quarter. And I still graduated early two quarters early. I started school my sophomore year because they didnt count it as a freshman and ended my senior year. I worked my ass off. And I graduated in 2 1/2 years. I graduated. I did it. I made it. Evern after a suicide attempt. Witnessing my mom attempt suicide my sophmore year, Iris accusing me of rape. All of that and I still graduated and I was second in class too. I’ve never been more proud of myself in my entire life. I didnt think id ever make it here. I thought in 2014 I was going to die. But I didnt. I’m still here. Alive and succeeding in life. Im a caregiver now. I’m getting my CNA in July. I made it. I did it.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I quit online dating...ok dating in general

Definitely taking a long hard look in the mirror, my new job starts soon so I can start seeing a therapist and finally figure out wtf is going on with me mentally but also

I NEED BETTER HELP WITH FIXING MY ATTRACTION OFF OF TOXIC MFS WHO CAN LIE WAY TOO GOOD AND ME ACTUALLY BELIEVING IT BECAUSE THEY LOOK GOOD AND I LIKE THEM LIKE AFTER BEING VULNERABLE

WTFFFF

I met Jay at work, so now I'm worried about blocking myself off too much if I happen to meet someone new and they sound like a nice person, good fit, but then the relationship and family trauma history comes up....wtf do i do? Run?

Like everything that I went through wasn't all my fault, but still I think it would be unfair for me to neglect someone as a potential date if they have everything that I'm looking for, looks good, but they have this, this, and that mental health disorders from trauma or they're just surviving....

But Idk, I think it would be best to get some guidance off the horny, desperate, need somebody to talk to because I can't come out to my parents about what happened to me with Jay and Ayunna because they're not cool about their kids being gay...

Its like "hey, dad I was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused by someone..."

"Wow...why would you stay in something like that? By the way was it a girl or a boy?"

I think my dad knows. But I did not like the way he responded and said that it was my fault for having sex with them...Like wow, how was I supposed to know they would have took advantage of me and did stuff to me that I wouldn't even like...without consent?

Wtf Dad.

And this is why I never talked to my mom about it either...they think alike to victim blame and doing the oh, well you should have known better way of talking down to their kids about being fucked up by their best friend...

Yea great role models.

I told him and he didn't even hug me. Cause he thought I was going to far when I said I wanted to fight her and get revenge.

He just said you should find a way to release that aggression and looked at me crazy as if nothing bad had happened to me and everything I was feeling still after, was all in my head, blown out of proportion.

Why didn't I tell him I was disappointed in the way he handled that?

It just made me close up on him and mom even more after he said that. Its like why should I have to debate out why it was so wrong of my friend to hurt me to somebody who would rather talk about something else, being all nonchalant and passive as usual.

I don't wanna talk about it until after I move out, cause I feel like he would explode on me if I was to say Dad, I don't like what you said and it hurt me to know that my own father didn't have my back when I was looking for support.

Cause I've been in pain all year, thinking, and being reminded of Jay and Ayunna's actions towards me. I hate them officially to this day. And I'll never love or trust the same since them.

They'll never know what its like to be me, not Jay, not Ayunna, not my mom or dad...so why even bother discussing, then later on debating about why I even stayed in an abusive relationship like that where I people pleased and didn't say stop. I just took the pain, like the good girl-sex-slave/doormat Jay wanted me to be.

He'll never understand it, and thats why I don't like the idea of telling my parents everything that happened, because I don't wanna lose my parents.

Cause I feel like even if I was to open up to my crazy bipolar mom and my passive ass dad, none of them would overreact about wanting to kick Jay and Ayunna's ass like I do right to this very day.

They would have got hard on me, tell me their disappointed in me, and told me everything that I did wrong in the matter instead of actually asking me "are you okay" which Dad never did after I told him the snippet.

Never would have asked me "how are you feeling" "do you need a hug" cause yea, its all my fault huh? For staying with a dumbass abusive friend who was already engaged to someone who treats them like a child too?

Yea they would have judged the fuck outta me...so I don't say anything. And every time I feel a ptsd episode spiraling or mom triggers me, I stay locked up in my room and scream and cry silently until I hear my voice crack. Shrilling the sound like, broken metal guitar strings cause I've been suffering in silence all year long. Hiding my depression from my sisters and my parents, because mom and dad want us to be happy about being alive and living in this house that I stopped giving a fuck about, because well grandma's dead and you can't make people happy about it when it was literally in July and her dead body was carried down our living room steps.

This bitch is crazy, you act like everything is supposed to just go back to normal? After everything that I've seen and been through this year? You think I'm supposed to be happy after finding out your a crazy, selfish, asshole who wanted me to fall down the steps just for pissing you off, my grandma was miserable and depressed all the way up in that house and delusional about healthcare that she didn't visit a doctor for years until it was too late, my dad hides everything he feels from us and mom unless it comes out in an aggravated assault on my little sister when she pissed him off, and now mom is basically forcing us to get back on cleanup schedule and act like everything is normal.

WHEN ITS FUCKING NOT

I bet deep down this is why Grandma moved to live in a cabin in the woods, for idk how long. She even painted the house she bought later on, the exact same colors. Burgundy and Sea Mint Green. Cause she loved how peaceful it was and there was nobody there but just her. Her family, her abusive ex, her abusive baby daddy, her children, and her friends all drove her nuts trying to be there and take care of them....when nobody was there to take care of her.

Except when I was there, it felt like we had the whole house, the whole world to ourselves, and we could be just as still and silent as the wind passing us as we sat on the couch, watched movies, ate popcorn, and enjoyed a hard lemonade with her. She missed being by herself after I moved in and so did I.

No wonder we kept butting heads. We don't like being disappointed by our family and friends, and we sure as hell don't like people making us work for them, and not caring about our emotional, mental, and physical stability.

I would prefer to go to the library for hours and just watch movies on the internet, than to live with my family while I'm still digesting the pain and drama I went through.

And realizing just how toxic, abusive, and crazy your family really is...really made me hate reality. Once the research on why I felt like I was suffering so bad with jay and ayunna started to add up, it all made sense why I didn't see some of the things that actually hurt me, as not as bad. Because I'd been through it already with my mom and my dad. Where I'm forced to take every negative comment or action they said and did, and just deal with it without retaliating against them or I was punished or told I was too sensitive to be told the truth. Gaslighting me.

Like I'm not allowed to feel pain if my mom tells me that my stomach is poking out too much in that dress and that I need to go change or wear some spanx. Then if I didn't want to change there was pinches on my skin from when she would force my shirts into my pants and make me feel stupid for not knowing how to tuck in my pants.

I'm supposed to always appreciate everything my parents did for me, even when the person standing in front of my face wants to be right all the time and I'm supposed to not get upset, not get angry, not cry, not whine or complain when my parent, my guardian does something unfair to me, says something rude, disrespectful, and controlling to me that they know that if I did the same thing to them, then they would slap me across the face, flick me in the head, knock me back to being a kid, just because they said so and just because I still live here.

I hate this place. And I thought Athena would be my escape. I thought I found someone to build real love with after going through so much trauma and realizing the crazy I've been living in for all these years.. The facade is over.

And I don't know what to do except cry and scream for myself in my room, and now I can't even talk to them about me losing my faith and trust in God because everything bad that happened and keeps happening. And why in the hell did he decide giving my grandma cancer was the best way for her to go? She was in so much pain all these years and it was from cancer. Her head and her body was twitching from lack of oxygen. And she was unresponsive as I sat upstairs with her all night on the very same couch I'm sitting on right now.

Its September now. She passed on July 30th and dad called me from upstairs after I had stayed up there till like 11:30 cause we were writing down how much morphine to give her each hour. And the nurse had just told us that she might not have that long left to live. Like maybe saturday or monday, cause it was already friday the 30th.

But after the nurse left, Dad told me to go through her pictures and find his favorite photo of her. I didn't even cry like he did, I had already cried at 10am when I saw no matter what I did, she was still shaking and not responding to me talking to her like before. Still grunting. It was like me being on nurse mode, made my heart, my emotions feel numb. But after I left the room and called Hospice, I finally let it out.

Grandma passed at around 1:30 or 2pm. And two of my aunts and my cousins were over. My cousins playing a game of Uno in the dining room as if nothing traumatic was going on upstairs. None of them reacted at all until they all joined us in the living room as she being carried down the stairs by the funeral service guys. It was amazing to see how insensitive at 1st the kids were, then to see my mom cry about not being strong enough for my dad, when I was sorta pissed off and confused and still in shock about grandma. LIKE WTFFF MOMMM FUCKING CRYYY THAT'S THE REASON WHY YALL HAVE PROBLEMS IN YALL RELATIONSHIP AND OUR RELATIONSHIP NOW

STOP HIDING YOUR FUCKING SADNESS, ANGER, AND GRIEF FROM YOUR FAMILY BY BEING A CRAZY ASS PSYCHOPATH WHO EXPECTS PEOPLE TO ACT NORMAL AND BE HAPPY WHEN SOMETHING SHITTY LIKE THIS HAPPENS

GODDAMN IT MOM FUCKING CRY. YOU'RE HUMAN. IM HUMAN. WE'RE ALLOWED TO FUCKING CRY. WE'RE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE. WE'RE ALLOWED TO FEEL OUR PAIN AND SUFFERING.

AND IM ALLOWED TO BE DEPRESSED AND UNSATISFIED WITH MY LIFE AND MY RELIGION THAT DOESN'T LET ME DO WHAT I WANT AND BE HAPPY WITH WHOEVER I WANT TO BE WITH.

AND MOM IM GAY. I FELL IN LOVE WITH WITH A GIRL WHO LATER ON DECIDED TO BE A THEY, AND NOW A HE AND I'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN AS A THEY, CAUSE NOW HE'S GROWING A BEARD, A DICK, A NEW VOICE AGAIN, AND SHE'S GETTING MARRIED TO ANOTHER CONTROLLING PSYCHOPATH THAT REMINDS ME OF YOU AND I HAD SEX WITH HER TOO, BUT I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF ME AND HER WANNA KILL EACH OTHER OR IF SHE'S ACTUALLY A COUSIN OR NOT WHO REMINDS ME OF MY TRAUMA WHEN I WAS A KID. AND WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY ANYTHING ABOUT INCEST POSSIBLY BEING A GENE OF TRAUMA IN THIS FAMILY.

I LITERALLY WATCHED MY COUSINS WHO WERE FAMILY, HAVE SEX AND THEY WERE KIDS JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE WATCHING PORN AND NOBODY BROUGHT IT BACK UP TO EVEN EXPLAIN WHY OR WHAT HAPPENED. AND ALL I SEE IS FLASHBACKS OF SHIT WHENEVER SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO ME IN MY LIFE. CAUSE I KNOW INCEST IS BAD.

AND THATS WHY I STILL AM GROSSED OUT BY THE IDEA OF AYUNNA AS A WHOLE BECAUSE SHE SMELLS WEIRD AND HAS GROSS MORNING BREATH, SHE SNORTS FOR 45 MIN TO AN HR EVERY MORNING SHE WAKES UP LIKE ITS NORMAL TO NOT BE ABLE TO BREATHE NORMALLY LIKE THAT IN YOUR SLEEP AND SHE'S ABNOXIOUS AND GROSS AND IMMATURE BUT JAY PRETENDS LIKE SHE'S MATURE AND IM NOT EVEN THOUGH IM SMARTER, IM BETTER, MORE EMOTIONALLY CAPABLE TO HANDLE THEM BEING DEPRESSED TO NOT JUDGE THEM FOR IT, CAUSE I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO WANNA DIE TO ESCPAE MY PAIN AND MY REALITY CAUSE ITS NICE AND EASIER TO HAVE AFRIEND WHO WANTS TO GO BACK TO BEING TAKEN CARE OF LIKE A BABY AND HAVE FUN JUST LIKE YOU TOO.

I feel like i lost a lot this year...including my sanity...thanks a lot Athena for triggering me. Now going back to talking to grandma as if she was here like I did when i was on the flight for the very 1st time after 911 and I had a silent panic attack because I was holding it in for the kid and the obnoxious older black lady next to me on my flight.

I cried my tears out and everything felt tight up on my back, making me scared and numb and tingly like I was on a rollercoaster. and mom thought I was just overreacting.

I need someone who understands me and knows exactly how it feels to be me, and I thought that person was this crazy bitch on the internet, who's gay and trans and lost a bunch of her family due to trauma. Because she's autistic, and not the one where they cant talk and do things for themselves. She talks to me just like I would to myself when I wasn't feeling good.

And idk, if I might have some sort of autism or spectrum thing too. Or did my family brainwash me into thinking nothing was wrong with me, the way they treated me, and how I was behaving...just because they didn't wanna believe it either.

I wanna know what's wrong with me, my life, my family and how do I fix it so it doesn't keep happening. I wanna know how can I avoid becoming like my parents and ending up in a controlling, aggressive, petty relationship like my dad who became passive just so he could deal with it and hide his pain from her.

I dont know what a healthy relationship looks like with no confrontations that leads to fights, arguing that leads to yelling at each other's faces and getting distracted with emotions to where we throw things at each other or just walk out without saying anything...

Because I dont know how to be angry. Cause I was never allowed to. and the people who birth me, don't know how to control theirs either without hurting the person they care about, someway or some sort.

I still to this day don't know how to communicate when I get angry. Because I feel like I was adopted from all the daycare people who used to take me in at night time when mom would drop me off and I never knew when she was coming back cause she didn't tell me.

[jdmsrovia]

THINGS THAT DON'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE

▪how did john escape the well by climbing a rope when his legs were chained (presumably) to the ground? ▪are you telling me that this plan, formulated by the two greatest minds in history (greater than newton according to mycroft), this elaborage plan to kill john watson in the same way euros killed sherlock’s old best friend, are you telling me the grand solution was call greg lestrade and have him throw down a rope? seriously? ▪where tf was Mycroft when John was in the well and sherlock was at the house?? was he just chillin somewhere, was he okay? ▪if sherlock was telling the truth about loving molly, why don’t we have closure on seeing them in a relationship? if he was lying, why was she not angry? yes the circumstances were awful but there’d be a lot of emotion there, why didnt we get to see any of it? in the final montage she seemed happy as larry ▪in tld euros escaped sherrinford to take on the identity of Faith to feed sherlock the information about the case he couldnt figure out himself. so, this woman (who’s entire plot revolves around being alone and constantly feeling isolated) escapes the highest security mental prison to help her brother on a case, then she just goes back? why didnt she reach out to any of her family while out if thats what she wanted all along? ▪why did euros pretend to be a therapist for weeks on end, take up this new identity just to shoot john with a tranquilliser? just to tell him sherlock had a sister? seems like a lot of effort to leave sherrinford just to do that and then return afterwards ▪why did the huge cliffhanger of john getting shot just turn out to be a tranquilliser mentioned extremely breifly and casually? mark and steven are smarter and more interesting than that, surely? ▪there’s no way euros and moriarty could have planned this entire thing in five minutes, sherlock himself said so. euros later states moriarty loved the idea of dying, so they obviously talked about other things and not just the plan. so again, how did they have time? ▪we never found out what they did actually talk about in those five minutes ▪moriarty and euros planned this all right? before he died, obviously. now in the reichenbach fall, moriarty’s plan was to have sherlock kill himself to complete his story of him being a fraud. while on that roof, moriarty would know he had big plans for sherlock (as he’d already organised it all with euros) meaning he knew sherlock was going to live. he had planned the final problem so knew sherlock wasnt actually going to jump and die, so why did moriarty shoot himself? he had no need. we know he loves death but he knew the reichenbach plan was going to fail so why bother killing himself when he could wait a few years to see the final problem come into play (becuase god knows he would have enjoyed it) ▪euros killed victor when they were young and no one knew. this meant victor was a missing child. with missing children there are police reports, news coverage, search parties, sniffer dogs investigations interrogations the WORKS. so how the hell did no one find the well? it could only have been a few hours away max. how did no one ever find it? how did no one find his bones? ▪building on the last point, sherlock was victor’s best friend. when victor went missing sherlock would have been interrogated, asked questions, and for a 4/5 year old it would have been very scary, and it would definitely have been memorable. even growing up victor would be famous and there’s no way sherlock could have forgotten him or not seen anything to do with him in the media ▪also relating to victor - how the fuck did a tiny little girl drag him all the way to this impossible-to-find well? and if he was conscious how did she convince him or manage to get away with it without her parents noticing her missing for hours..? and unless ur telling me she threw him down the well and he sustained 0 injuries how did a child manage to get him to the bottom unharmed ▪sherlock has been convinced his whole life redbeard was his family dog. are you telling me his parents went along with that lie this whole time, and told him nothing of his dead best friend? ▪john was drowning. the water was up to his neck. yet somehow, sherlock had time to call the police and wait for them to get there..??? ▪IF THE POLICE FOUND THE WELL SO EASILY LOOKING FOR JOHN HOW DID THEY NOT FIND IT LOOKING FOR VICTOR YEARS AGO ▪why was molly crying before her phone even started ringing. also why did she ignore it? yeah she loves sherlock so it’s hard to talk to him but she seemed to cope fine at the end of tst ▪who was sherlock texting during the end montage saying “you know where to find me”? ▪why would mary leave two seperate discs? and why did she write sherlocks’ arch nemesis’ catchphrase on one of them? ▪euros said she liked making sherlock laugh all night, but then says he was actually screaming. why was he screaming? what did she do to him? (genuinely asking, i feel like there is an actual answer here but I’ve forgotten lmao) ▪if euros’ mind, in the plane, why was she only seen as being with her mum? no brothers? no dad? ▪mycroft would never tell moriarty that him and sherlock had a sister. im sorry its just, no. he wouldnt do that. he didnt even tell sherlock. ▪the task with the three men was very easy. not for normal people, but for sherlock and mycroft it was. his explanations were very simple and figuring out the murderer took no time at all. it obviously wasn’t difficult, so why was euros the only one in the world who had previously solved it? mycroft said he only ever came to her for help when he had no where else to go (as she was the smartest), and seeing as though he figured it out too, he musnt have been the one to present her with the case in the first place. so who did? maybe it was moriarty, but if it was then that takes more time away from that 5 minutes, making it harder to understand how they planned it all ▪how did they survive the grenade in the flat?! HOW DID THEY ESCAPE WITH NO BRUISES OR ANYTHING?? AFTER JUMPING FROM THE SECOND FLOOR OF A BUILDING?? HOW TF DID MYCROFT MAKE IT DOWN THE STAIRS AND TO MRS HUDSON IN 3 SECONDS?? NONE OF THIS SCENE MADE SENSE ▪when meeting euros for the first time sherlock would have noticed there being no reflection in the glass ▪why were the gravestones ever incorrect in the first place? who put them there? ▪how did my mans go from weeks to live to clean in like three days ▪where was the “groundbreaking” part of that episode?? I don’t see it. it really wasn’t that spectacular

feel free to to add anything. its been almost a week and im still mad as hell

JUST SAYING: THIS IS AN AWARD WINNING SHOW. THERE SHOULD NOT BE THIS MANY PLOT HOLES !!

[wellmeaningshutin]

Short Story #1: Storm.

Written: 12/15/2016

Thunder and lighting crashed over the city, rain pelted down endlessly, floods appeared in the lower levels of the city, but most didn’t bat an eye due to the large homeless population, which could now possibly be solved, wind came in large gusts, sometimes snatching up children or knocking cars off of the highway, sending them down into the deep waters of the flood, the moving blood in the veins of the storm. Darkness covered the city, it wasn’t long before black outs occurred, electricity staying in the plants where it was dry, toasty, and safe, commuting with the other volts, that wanted to take shelter from the storm, by powering on and off lights in the facility, some sort of manic morse code that convinced the plant workers that a meltdown was occurring, sending them panicked into the rain, unable to yell over the rain and thunder, and after a while being unsure if anyone was around to hear them, the streets just dark and empty, as if they were in the ruins of some fallen society, lost, wet and cold. An opportunistic man selling umbrellas in the street is caught by an updraft and carried away into the sky, his partner only pays attention for a second and continues to hawk his wares, these hazards, and the sudden disappearance of his friend, allowed him to bump up the price of each umbrella to $35, for the risk. People all over congregated to bars to find company in the dark, sneaking booze of the shelves, overcrowding the places, if the staff had anything to say they’d be tossed out into the storm, the needs of the people outweighing the few, the aggressive and self-centered logic of the drunks had taken over in these areas, and until the storm would pass it had become the new law. In the dark people could start a new, everyone looked equally wet and disheveled, all wore tattered coats, battered by the storm, many met in hotel lobbies, hospitals, churches, and various other landmarks to socialize in the dark, sharing fabricated experiences from when there was no storm, from when the city was peaceful and kind, all working together in that lie to create some fictionalized account of the city, not wanting to call anyone out on their lies because then they could too be equally called out, in several different buildings homeless men would claim to be mayors, business men, lawyers, but the ones who had come up from the underground, the city finally becoming dark and wet, a paradise for them, had only very esoteric ideas of what life was like in the city above their own so they claimed themselves as kings, gladiators, and, for some reason being the most common claim, televangelists. The actual people of wealth and power in the city stood at the top of their sky scrapers, above the clouds, and were trying to figure out what happened to their power, their phones didn’t work, so they’d stand up there and look down at the clouds, wondering if class warfare had already begun, wondering if they should trust their servants, usually they’d be holding a glass of liquor while they did this. A meteorologist looked out his window at home, contemplating his ineptitude, wondering if he should really hold his title if this king of storms, this usurper of good weather, had appeared without him being able to prophecies it, he told those poor people of the city that it would be a nice day, and he had failed them.

A tourist from across the country had just driven into town, surprised by the storms and the blackout, riding along the highway looking down at the abyss below, barely being able to make out dark, moving water down there. She then began to notice that there had been no other cars on the highway for quite some time, and as she considered turning back, seeing the effects of what she first thought was just a mild storm, her car began to be pushed by the wind, she tried to fight it and  turned her wheel against it, and her car went rolling down into the water. Or at least thats what she was imagining when she was suspended in the air, eyes closed, arms over her head to just protect it, and then a crash. Other than a nosebleed and a scrape on her left arm, tearing her favorite, coat she was fine. She looked at her surroundings and noticed the water was flowing below her, her head lights illuminating the raging water. She opened her car door, looked down, and noticed that she landed on top of a submerged bus. She thought that both cars should be crushed and she should be dead, then she started to question if she was. She would have never of guessed that this was what the afterlife would be like. She waited for a messenger of some sort, like an angel, or maybe a mermaid, since if this was the afterlife then clearly all major religions were wrong, since they failed to predict this, which lead her to be open to other forms of divinity. It was a dull wait. She ended up picking up her tour guide for the town and began leafing through it, no information on a storm, but it seemed like they had a flourishing sculpting community, that was neat. She only came to this city because she wanted to visit every city in the state, she let out a short laugh, she thought this was a safe way to be adventurous, but it still ended up killing her.

“Hey, you!” a voice called from the darkness. She rolled down her window and saw a silhouette of what she assumed was a man, because of the voice. “You gotta clear outta here, we need to get deeper into the city, the plants gonna blow!”

“What?”

“Yeah, whole things melting down, we have to get out of here!” This puzzled her. If she was dead then how could she die again, unless there were different levels of the after life, maybe what she thought was the real life, the realm of the living, was really just another after life, from her dying many times previously before. She wondered if narrowly avoiding death was a sign of dying, since when you really died it killed you, but the after life wants to be quiet and unnoticed, so when you enter it it only seems as if you avoided the danger, but really “Hello? You comin’ or what? We’re here on borrowed time.”

She grabbed a warm jacket, a cap to protect her hair, and stepped out of her car onto the bus, which caused her car to fall backwards and splash into the water, headlights shining straight up in the air. She didn’t even know it was balancing. She looked up at the guy on the roof and he started lowering down a latter, she grabbed the bottom and placed it on the top of the bus, then climbed onto the roof while the man muttered “Easy… Easy…” like she was going to be reckless in a situation like this. When she was close to the roof he grabbed her helped her up, it was still to dark to see any defining features on the man. “You okay? That was quite a fall off the overpass, you good to walk?” he said, concerned, she just quietly nodded and he jerked his thumb towards the heart of the city, “We have to move further in to higher ground. The whole city raises up as you go further in so we’ll be safer from flooding the further up we go. Oh shit, where are my manners? My names…” he thought sheepishly for a second, trying to recall names of men he idolized, shit he would call himself as a kid, pretending to be a hero, “The names Biggs. You from around here?” He began to lead her across the rooftops, slowly, trying to find stable footing on the slippery debris covered roof, trying to hold balance with the wind, it was already a lot of effort to talk loud enough to be heard.

“Nah, I’m from out of town, just drove in not too long ago.” A building next to them was struck by thunder, sending a loud crash, physical and audible, vibrations working overtime, that shook the roof and almost caused her to slip, but Biggs grabbed her to steady her. It was easier in general for him since he was wearing work boots. “Thanks. I, uh…” she looked around the city around her, she saw a billboard fall into the street and move with the current until it got caught by the cars stationed in the water. “Um…”

“Don’t mention it.” He wasn’t paying too much attention to her, he was staring across the street, trying to figure out how to get across the flood to the next set of roofs they had to reach. The billboard seemed promising but he wasn’t sure if it was stable, he didn’t really know much about billboards.

“Its not that its, uh,” then she realized the problem at hand, having to holster the inevitable question for later, “Do you know what you’re doing? Is this safe?”

The question echoed his own thoughts, but those were problems for the old him, the version of himself that lived in a different city, with normal weather, and worked at his 5 to 9, uneventful job at the plant. “Yeah yeah, I know this city like the back of my hand, I’m actually a union leader around here,” he nodded to himself, satisfied, “if it weren’t for me none of this area would’ve been build nohow. Like the back of my hand this city.” She didn’t really have any choice so she believed him. “Now lets get to safety.” He motioned her to a nearby fire escape and they began to slowly climb town towards the flood, to the billboard wedged nearby.

The climb down was a slow process, they had to clutch onto the railings and move cautiously as to not slip, the rain lashed their faces. During this monotonous journey down the escape she remembered the question on her mind earlier, “Hey, uh, Biggs right?”

“Thats right, Malone ‘Buster’ Biggs, they put tha buster in there cause of the way I busted up the guys on top, made this here a union city, busted up corruption. That’s me.”

“Oh.. Well, uh, am I dead?” Biggs stopped making his way down the stairs to get a good look at her, but he had trouble really even seeing her face, which made him feel dumb but he didn’t know how to react to the question so he just doubled down on the staring and squinted his eyes, a useless gesture. “Its just that I… I don’t know it made sense to me earlier, that I’m dead, I mean after the crash..” He kept staring “It just seems like it would be reasonable, you know? For all I know this could be the afterlife, the river styx maybe, I don’t know, and here you are to guide me, it just seems like, like-” he kept staring and she sheepishly quieted down, embarrassed now that she had said the idea out loud, it had been a long drive.

“Huh”, thats all he could say, almost inaudible to the tourist. The idea started to mess with his head the more he thought about it, so he started to keep moving. “Well if you’re dead now I’m sure as shit not going to let you die twice.” He was embarrassed by the reply so tried to work down the stairs but more quickly, he figured if he stayed silent she wouldn’t figure out that he was just some schmuck from the plant who lived a little ways from where they currently were, he needed the silence to keep the illusion alive for the both of them.

His response calmed her down a little bit, and she took the silence as confirmation of the after life. All the reasons she went on this trip, the debt, her abortion, her parents disapproval, her crippling loneliness, all of those reasons, those worries, bad memories, were pushed out of her mind. She was dead now and didn’t have to worry about any of that again.