#its okay if u dont speak french. i also dont. look up the english lyrics i promise it'll all start making sense

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 13)

Previously, we discussed Mikan's first real loss. We'll go more into the aftermath of that loss, specifically how it manifests as guilt or the feeling of not having done enough. We'll also move into the next season, winter, which will very much be about Natsume and Mikan's consistently growing feelings for him.

L... O... V... E...?

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Chapter Forty-Four

Mikan and her friends go back to the dorms as they’re told and are reunited with their classmates, who have all waited up for them. Everyone is so happy to see them alive and safe, that it’s a little jarring to see such glee when Mikan is so terribly crushed. She does put on a smile, though, until Yuu asks about the medicine and stolen alices. Koko reads Mikan’s mind and is able to connect what happened to Pengy, so it never has to be said aloud. Everyone knows now.

But Mikan still has to break the hard news to Yuu that she wasn’t able to save him, to keep him here with her. Nobody’s dying here, but it’s still a hard scene. Mikan has reached the end of an arc without a smile. So far, everything has worked out for her. This is the first time it hasn’t, and it’s hard for her to tell Yuu that she failed. 

They're both drawn so cute here ;-;

She and Hotaru had planned on saving Yuu’s alice together. That had been the initial goal from the start, and she failed. She apologizes. It’s not a “we” thing, either. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t get your alice back.” This is her personal failure. From the start, the upperclassmen have warned her that this would be dangerous, that she might not succeed. They acted as a group, but because it was her idea, her plan, it feels like her failure.

Yuu has just been told that he’s not getting his alice back. It must be devastating news, and Mikan is prepared to see him hurt and upset. But even though he’s crying, Yuu smiles. How can he be sad when Hotaru will live? How could he be sad when his friends all made it back safe (for the most part)? It might not have turned out perfectly, but he’s still happy. He’s not upset. He’s not angry. He thanks her for trying. 

Yuu is so sweet. He just received bad news, but he's still happy, just because they tried.

And Mikan starts crying because she feels like the only weak person in the room. She realizes that her idea of strength had been flawed from the start, that she wanted to be able to protect people simply because of her will to do so. She wanted to skip to the part where she could be strong, protect people, and “be a grown-up” without actually going through the trials necessary to make that happen. Maturity doesn’t come simply because you want it to. You have to try and fail and try again. Natsume’s strong back, Tsubasa’s maturity, Hotaru’s sacrifice--those are things they’re capable of because they overcame struggles and tasted the bitter flavors life can throw out. 

Mikan’s original “sacrifice,” when she ran after Hotaru, wasn’t a sacrifice. She was giving up contact with Jii-chan, sure, but she hadn’t known that when she ran away. She stole his money to go and do something she wanted. Her desperate but childish desire to be heroic, to save people, to protect people, to be able to sacrifice something--it all comes up short when the only sacrifice she’s making is other people.

(I’m not saying that Mikan is selfish, or that she’s been unable to sacrifice--just that her mentality about sacrifice has been flawed in the sense that she finds heroism and selflessness aspirational without fully understanding what it entails.)

It's so hard to discuss abstract terms like "love" or "strength," but it is true that Mikan didn't go into this with the correct perspective. Protecting people and making sacrifices isn't always easy.

She’s seen plenty of examples of strength so far, but Yuu is the one who spurs this reaction in her because it’s the softest kind of strength. Yuu could cry, throw a fit, start screaming, yell. But he doesn’t, because he sees that Mikan tried hard, that she feels responsible, because they were able to save Hotaru. He takes the worst news of his life in stride because he understands that, sometimes, bad things happen.

And Mikan hadn’t really understood that. She’s weak--she’s weak for crying, she’s weak for trying to protect people when she doesn’t even know what that means, she’s weak for being so naive.

But Sumire argues with her: they all did the best they could, right? She tells her to stop crying because she’s just making the rest of them cry, and this shouldn’t be such a sad moment if they all tried their best and were able to save Hotaru. But I’d argue that Mikan crying is probably good for her, even if all her friends start crying too. This is a sad, difficult moment and it can be vital to let yourself feel those difficult emotions before you right yourself and move on. That being said, Sumire’s point is that it’s about perspective. This might be a failure in some ways, but the important thing is that they tried. 

Mikan wipes her tears away and decides that this situation is like the trials and struggles the “strong” people had to overcome. This is her trial. She will move past this and she will become stronger “for the day when I can protect someone too.” She failed this time, but next time, she won’t.

Chapter Forty-Five

Mikan remembers what Narumi had told her, that she should let herself trust people and make lots of friends. It can be hard, because making friends sometimes means losing them. Trusting someone means they have the power to hurt you. But human connections are vital to building the strength Mikan wants to gain. She wakes up, surrounded by friends. 

When Mikan first came to the school, she struggled to make friends, but now she’s made good friends with much of Class B. People she’d hated at first are precious to her now, and she’s precious to them. 

It ALWAYS means SOMETHING. You might say to yourself, at any point during any of my essays, "Anya is overthinking; she is crazy and stupid," and you would be right but I don't care.

Mikan wakes up first in the girls’ bed, having slept together with all her friends. This is mirrored by Natsume waking up first in the boys’ bed. It’s sweet that after going through a rough moment, Class B decided to stick together. In Hotaru’s memory, Yuu had shared with her that going through hard times is much easier if they’re all on the same side, if they go through it together. This is proof that he was right--the class just needed to realize how much they could benefit from letting each other in.

Mikan and Natsume wake up first because:

Natsume is letting himself become part of Class B. He had struggled entirely on his own for so long that he’d never really allowed himself to bask in the support of people who had wanted to support him all along. He will never fully let someone help him, but he is considering what would happen if he just let himself be part of the class. Not just a boss, not just a distant leader, but one of them.

Mikan is remembering Narumi’s words and realizing that he was right. 

But they both are alone too. Natsume stayed with his friends for the night because he could see himself becoming more of a classmate to them, but ultimately he still has to go through his life and struggles alone. Similarly, Mikan may have realized the strength that can be found in friendship, but ultimately she has to face what she’s experienced and make the choice to become stronger on her own (they are both singled out, in short). they will have to face the world on their own, but their friendships can help make them stronger anyway, however you wanna define strength.

A few days pass and Hotaru is being released from the hospital for the first time. Yuu’s alice has miraculously reappeared--all the students who had lost their alices regained them by the time they woke up on the same day. 

The reality is that Mikan’s confrontation with Yuka had caused her to question the path she was on, and if stealing the alices from people was really “saving them” at all. Yuka returned the alices out of remorse, because she didn’t want her daughter to hate her. But from Mikan’s perspective, a happy miracle has taken place, to make the struggle that she just endured a little lighter. Yuu has been saved after all, even if she didn’t do it herself (though, in a way, she did).

Mikan reunites with Hotaru. Ultimately, Mikan did do something amazing. With the help of her friends and Pengy, she was able to save Hotaru’s life, something that wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t decided to pursue the tunnel rumor. 

It's sad to think Hotaru has been mourning Pengy this whole time too.

Mikan might not view herself as strong. She might doubt her ability to sacrifice or to truly protect someone, but in reality she’s already quite strong. Her fierce optimism, hope, and refusal to give up--all childish and easily dismissed traits--are her best qualities. She refused to give up on Hotaru, and because of that, Hotaru is alive. She refused to give up on Yuu, and even if she doesn’t know it, her actions are what inspired Yuka to return his alice stone to him. 

Hotaru hasn’t been active in this arc since she was shot, but she knows better than anyone that Mikan saved her, and that only somebody as hopeful, optimistic, and stupid as Mikan could have saved her. 

Mikan still feels weak though, and like a failure. She feels it’s her fault that Hotaru’s invention is gone. But Hotaru reassures her so the moment isn’t tense: she already knows everything. Don’t hold back.

Hotaru got shot because she sacrificed herself for Mikan. And Mikan went through hell and trauma to make sure that Hotaru survived. Now they can hug it out.

The rest of the class joins in on reuniting with Hotaru. It can be easy to forget that all of Class B are friends now! Mikan and Hotaru might be best friends, but they have a lot of other people who love and care for them. They’re all a family.

So at the end of the chapter, when Mikan spots Natsume walking away from all the fun (and Ruka running after him, like always), she calls out to him and asks him where he’s going. He’s part of their family. Hotaru wouldn’t have been saved without him. He should be just as much a part of this reunion as anyone. He showed up to support Mikan, to be part of the class, but he never truly feels like he belongs. He will try, but he will always end up withdrawing (and though Ruka won’t always chase after him, he’ll always want to).

Get back here! Misanthropes!!

And Mikan will always ask him why he wants to leave in the first place.

Chapter Forty-Six

Winter has come to Alice Academy. A new incoming arc, a new season. We won’t actually get to touch all the important winter symbolism quite yet, but the chapter opens with just a taste. Winter represents sorrow, and Pengy is gone. Class B makes a snowman statue of Pengy to commemorate it and to say a final farewell. Hotaru addresses that although she could make a new penguin robot, it wouldn’t be the same friend they knew. It’s just one page, but it’s an important message about grief, the finality of death, and the futility of trying to stop its course (if you’re thinking about Natsume right now, that’s a more complicated story :P). 

Children realizing death is forever, black and white, 2005.

We move on, though, because Alice Academy is in the thick of December and Christmas is coming! Class B makes a trip to Central Town to buy presents for the upcoming holiday. 

They’re all still capable of happiness and fun, of course. Trauma doesn’t always make life stop. I’ll see later how Mikan has grown and changed and how she’ll continue to change. The fact that the story continues with happy scenes doesn’t mean that the sadness didn’t matter. It just means that life is full of moments and some are harder than others but time only travels in one direction. Mikan understands that, and so should we. Moving on!

We have some fun seeing Central Town in Christmas mode and reuniting with all of our favorite academy friends, until Mikan runs into Ruka and Sumire, who have already bought presents. Thing is, they’re shopping for Natsume! It turns out Natsume’s birthday passed a while ago (November 27, an international holiday that everyone celebrates in every country ever) when everyone was stressed out about Hotaru dying and Yuu losing his alice. Nobody has done anything to celebrate, but Sumire and Ruka want to at least get him some gifts.

Mikan remembers the last arc, how she got to see parts of Natsume that she really appreciated, how he’d worked hard to protect her. She wants to get him presents too, because he’s done so much for her.

Hey, Mikan, can you maybe elaborate on what the hell that's supposed to mean? Hey, no, really, what does it mean?

In the TokyoPop version, Mikan says, “The birthday of someone you really love is something you can’t forget.” That wasn’t what she said in the English scans, so when I bought volume 8 and first read the words “someone you really love,” I nearly passed away. It’s a miracle I survived to write this essay. WHAT COULD IT MEAN? Well, in any version, she’d say something along the lines of “someone you really care about,” or "person you like the most" which is still lovely because it further cements the idea that Mikan cares about him and knows that she cares about him. BUT, if she’s saying she loves him here--even if she thinks she means it platonically--that’s crazy! 

But… It makes sense. Shared trauma intensifies feelings. Natsume was able to go from hating Mikan to loving her in a matter of seconds, because when stakes are that high, everything becomes heightened. The people you survive an ordeal with mean a lot more, even if you haven’t known them for very long. Mikan has been through plenty of ordeals with Natsume. She knows him a lot better now and since she’s seen so much good from him in the last arc, I’m sure it’s made him more precious to her.

According to Crim, it's the same in Japanese. She's definitely saying she loves him here, though it's unclear if Mikan means this romantically. I'm going to bet no because Mikan always struggles to be entirely honest about her feelings. Still, it's cool to see how strongly she feels about him! She hates the idea of being separated from him and blushes when he calls her by her name, and now she even loves him. It's all so wonderful! She's not about to say that out loud and she's not even close to admitting to herself that her feelings are romantic, but it's pretty impressive that she was able to think of the word love.

Though she did use a hypothetical, "the birthday of someone you really love," as opposed to "of someone I really love." She still isn't ready to use straight-forward language about her feelings for Natsume, and won't be any time soon. Still, it's nice for us to know the feelings are there, and Mikan loves Natsume. <3

In any case, she cares about him, and finding out about his birthday gives her an excuse to let him know just how much she cares about him.

Everyone decides to get Natsume a present, because he’s done a lot to help everyone and all of Class B loves him (even if he doesn’t see that). A surprise party is arranged, as well as contest that kinda misses the point of the birthday party. People tease Mikan for her terrible gift-giving abilities and that invigorates her to find the best present ever for Natsume! 

So much thought goes into it! I'm gonna sob.

The process of Mikan shopping is very interesting because her internal monologue is also revealing (like “someone you really love/care about”). She can’t imagine Natsume happy. She’s seen him smile once or twice, but the things about him that spurred affection in her weren’t about him being happy, but about trying to make him smile, him making her happy, her seeing depths to him. The feelings of fondness are already there, but she still doesn’t know what would make him happy (her existence is enough, alas). But even though it’s hard, “the more important the person is, the more important the time spent [looking for a good present] feels.” 

I feel like this goes beyond gift-giving, to be honest. The more important a person is, the more important the time spent doing anything for or with them feels. Natsume is important to her, so finding out what makes him happy, discovering him, getting to know him--it all feels just as important. It would be nice if Natsume were open and smiled and let people know when he was happy, but because Mikan understands that he can’t be like that, she’s willing to put in the time. Again: NatsuMikan would never have happened if Mikan hadn’t put in the effort. More importantly, it wouldn’t have happened if she didn’t decide that he was worth the effort in the first place. 

Natsume’s friends get to his room just in time to surprise him since he decided to go home early. This party is so important to them--putting in the time to give him a nice surprise and let him know how much he means to all of them--that they rushed home, not having time to set the whole party up quite yet.

I think that, although establishing a contest kinda defeats the point of the party being about Natsume, it’s a good story for Mikan. She wants to believe, not only that she can give a good gift, but that she could get a good gift for Natsume (in particular, because everything is particular for Mikan, but especially Natsume). And getting a good gift for him means understanding him and having a good idea of what would make him happy.

Mochu innocently gives a present that OBVIOUSLY Natsume would love and Mikan takes it soooooOOOOoo personally.

Which is why she’s so upset whenever he seems to like somebody else’s gift. She takes it personally because she wants to understand and get Natsume, and she gets insecure when it seems like somebody else might get him better than she does. 

She doesn’t even have a chance to enter herself into the running before he announces his favorite presents--and it’s very unfair because Youichi didn’t even have to try that hard on his present because he’s a baby and Ruka has an unfair advantage of knowing Natsume better than everyone. But she doesn’t lose hope. She’s the last to give her present (saving the best for last). 

Mikan’s present--the camera and an empty card--are kinda unimpressive at first glance. But the intention there isn’t to go off of some established idea of connection. They don’t have much to go off in terms of shared past memories. What’s she gonna get him? A Reo CD? No, her present is about making a memory together and keeping it forever. Natsume and Mikan don’t have much of a past since they only met recently, and the shared experience they have is largely traumatic, but they do have a future, and the present is about looking towards that. 

"Let's think about our future together because I almost lost you..."

Additionally, her present involves everyone at the party, everyone who decided they cared enough about Natsume to dedicate this random day to him. Mikan is always trying to include him. Last chapter, she wondered where he was going when the class includes him too. She wants him to feel like part of the group, to let him know he is cared for. That’s why it’s the only thing she could think of for a present that would make him happy.

It’s also why she’s surprised to get last place.

To finish the chapter off, I’ll briefly talk about the little message Mikan left in his card: “Happy birthday! Let’s keep being friends!” Natsume and Mikan began the manga as enemies. She hated him, and for good reason. They’ve come a long way in a short time. He’s someone she cares about now (loVES, actually), someone she wants to protect and to know better and to spend time with. Once more, he may be a challenge, but she thinks he’s worth the effort.

She doesn't want him going anywhere anytime soon. Or ever.

Chapter Forty-Seven

This chapter has some interesting NatsuMikan content, but mainly from Natsume’s POV. The whole smile thing is only relevant from Natsume’s POV because Mikan is fighting with him and doesn’t seem to notice how happy he is to be with her. It’s nice to see that they continue to hang out, even if they are bickering, because we already know that Mikan finds arguing with Natsume a source of happiness. Otherwise, it’s not a major chapter except to introduce one more character.

I'm that kind of person who gets giddy just seeing them next to each other this way. It's so easy to make me happy.

It’s time to get ready for the Christmas Ball. Mikan’s closest friends, the usual suspects, are all on the cake team to begin with. But slowly, one by one, each friend is dragged away, their alice needed elsewhere. Ruka helps the animals with the decoration team, Misaki helps fill a bunch of roles with her doppelganger alice, Tsubasa helps keep things from falling with his shadow manipulation, Natsume is of use with the ovens, and even Yuu is pulled away to help the people with a fear of heights. Mikan seems to be the only useless one around. Her alice is of no use at all. We know by now that Mikan is especially self-conscious about her alice’s uselessness. She might occasionally come in handy during life-or-death scenarios or with Natsume, but how is she supposed to help during more mundane and fun events?

How lovely, that when she feels insecure and sad, he comes by to check on her? Except that he's being a total jerk about it, calling her lazy and telling her to start working already. We know from his POV that he is trying to help in his own way, but Mikan doesn't really understand that. It's not exactly that he cheers her up, but he does distract her. And she stares at him for a moment when he walks away, probably because she loves him. Who knows?

Sparkly panels ALWAYS mean something!

Luckily for her, Tsubasa comes by to give her a job of turning the cakes over so they cool quickly. That’s when she meets Nobara, who is also being rejected by everyone, just like she’d been. Mikan invites her to help out and is easily impressed by her upperclassman status and beautiful face (Mikan is always impressed by beautiful faces). When she learns that Nobara has the ice alice, she requests that Nobara cool the cakes faster so they could apply the icing sooner, but Nobara’s alice is a bit wonky so she freezes all the cakes instead.

They’re about to be in big trouble when the cakes suddenly melt before anyone can really notice. Then Natsume comes around, just to say a few mean things to Nobara and walk off again. Obviously that means they must know each other from somewhere, but Mikan isn’t really surprised by Natsume being a jerk. That’s just how he is. (And it's interesting to compare this moment to Anna's cafe. Then, Mikan has been so angry about Natsume's behavior that she'd screamed at him and couldn't calm down for quite a while. This time, she's still not okay with Natsume being a jerk to others, but she gets him a little better. She doesn't scream after him to apologize, she just scolds him from a distance.)

Mikan is out of the loop, but she just chalks it up to Natsume being a weirdo.

The important part is that Nobara can’t control her alice well, which means that Mikan’s nullification is finally coming in handy! Mikan always feels useless about her alice, particularly when everyone around her seems to have a cool and impressive alice. She just wants to help and be needed, and Nobara is giving her an opportunity. Offensive alices like Natsume’s and Nobara’s give Mikan’s alice the chance to shine. Unlike Natsume, however, who would prefer not to have an alice at all, Nobara is simply content to have her alice used in a non-lethal context. She is helping this time, not hurting. Mikan’s alice can never be offensive and it can only help to soften the alices of others.

That's all she wants!!! She just wants to be useful!

It all goes swimmingly until Nobara suddenly disappears and Mikan has a chat with Tsubasa, who tells her that Nobara is famous like Natsume, the Princess of the DA class.

Ahh, Mikan’s sunny disposition versus the depressed abuse victims of the DA class. She can discern then that Natsume did know Nobara after all; they’re classmates, but for some reason he despises her. I wish I could say more about Mikan, but other than her feelings of uselessness and Nobara’s alice helping turn that around, there isn’t much to say. So. Moving on.

Conclusion

Or, we will tomorrow, anyway.

We had to say good-bye to the Z Arc as well as all the hardships that came with it (farewell, Pengy!). Mikan is changed, somewhat, and she will continue to grow and mature as the manga continues, but she will also hold fast to her optimism and hope. Next, we will devote some time to the Christmas Ball Arc, when romance takes center-stage! You can probably guess how excited I am for this... ;)

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!! I love Ireland and will be eating Irish food today to celebrate. Every person I met in Dublin thought my name was Aine and was excited that I had an Irish name! But I'm Slavic! So sad.

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