#its ok to be overwhelmed crowley babe

[ineffable-suffering]

Demonic Mental Health Awareness Post

i'm not sure if occult beings are technically capable of suffering from mental illnesses but, watching S2 for the nth time now, i'm pretty sure that ever since Armageddon didn't happen, crowley has simply been a little, well ... depressed.

(just in case, a mild TW: depression, trauma, mental illness)

like, one of the firsts things we hear him say (to shax, out of all people) is: "do you ever think: what's the point of it all? heaven, hell, angels, demons, it's all ... pointless." which– whoof, that's heavy. i mean, fair enough, he's got a point, but it's still one hell (pun intended) of a statement to chuck out as one of the first things he says this season.

i think the way that crowley and aziraphale processed Armageddon is .. very different. we see aziraphale at the beginning of S2:

happy as always in his surroundings

chatting to the people in his whickber street community

buying music

humming along to it in his bookshop

and just frolicking, as he always does

crowley, however, is:

sitting alone on The park bench

questioning the meaning of existence

while also technically being homeless

and living in his car

for ... no apparent reason other than not being bothered to miracle himself up a new flat

of course, crowley's always been a bit of a grumpy goth boyfriend. but it doesn't take a licensed therapist to figure out that he's clearly Going Through something. and it makes sense, if you think about it. surely, Armageddon was traumatic for both of them. but i think aziraphale does have a bit more of a safety net to fall back on. he's got his shop, his books, his music and some of his neighbours he seems to like and know. and, of course, he has crowley. who's always just a phone call away and who he, as we are told, calls when pretty much anything does or doesn't happen.

crowley's main hobby and somewhat safe space used to be his plants and his flat, but those are kinda gone too now/crammed into the bentley and he clearly hasn't been able to move on yet since he a) hasn't bothered to get a new flat and (what i think is an even bigger indicator of him not being okay) b) hasn't told aziraphale yet. ("we talk all the time!" yup, but clearly not about the things that matter, hm?)

it's been four years. four years in which, seemingly, aziraphale had few issues with falling back into his old flow, picking up his hobbies again and even making more friends around Soho. and four years in which crowley lost his flat, most of his plants and apparently his will to change anything about it or share it with aziraphale.

having been through major depressive episodes myself, this does *david tennant voice* bingle-bongle-dingle-dangle all my alarm bells.

because people cope with trauma in different ways. some better than others. and crowley, having Major Unresolved Trauma from his Fall, always having been rather unhappy with the work he'd been doing for hell (aka only getting credit for things he didn't do and sort of messing up things he did do) and also having to face the fact that the angel he was head over heels in love with kept turning him down over and over again for reasons he didn't understand ... well, it didn't set him up for a great post-not-so-much-the-end-of-the-world start.

and sometimes, being forced to keep running under kinda shitty conditions (such as a crappy job or trying to chase after the love of your life) still keeps you running. but once that all stopped, once aziraphale and crowley were (at least for the time being) free of heaven and hell and could finally just live their lives, crowley seems to just have retreated further back into himself. questioning the whole meaning of existence and not really talking about it to the one person he'd always wanted to be with. which makes sense because more than anything, crowley wants to protect aziraphale. and he‘s definitely the type of demon person to think that sharing your struggles means burdening someone else with them. oh crowley, you and me would have so much to talk about, babe.

so yeah. the world almost ended. and then it just went back to normal. and i think crowley is still stuck somewhere between thinking he'd lost his best friend and love of his life in a fire, almost being anihilated by his satanic boss and then everything simply snapping back into the way it always was – within the span of a day. no wonder he's finding it a little hard to move on.

---

(addendum: there's a great piece of fanfiction called "Demonology and the Tri-Phasic Model of Trauma: An Integrative Approach" that deals exactly with that trauma, in which crowley goes to see a therapist. incredible character study and brilliant writing.)

[i-write-for-all-soulmates]

Of Angels and Men Ch. 10

Masterlist

Sam was wondering when this would start to happen. When everything would start to get to be too much.  Sam wasn’t just tired mentally anymore, he was physically exhausted. Crowley’s beatings along with his own fathers were putting a strain on his sleeping patterns. Dark circles of exhaustion now surrounded his once bright eyes.

So far, he has been doing good, ever since he made that promise. Ever since his mates’ big brothers healed him. He tried his best to keep the bond open and they knew it too. They were so proud of him and he loved it. To make someone proud, it was new and inviting. As he saw Crowley stalking toward him, he knew that breaking his promise was a must.

I’m sorry.

---

As always, Castiel is the first to feel the bond closing. But it was different this time. It felt forced and unhappy and just overall wrong. Gabriel poked him, confusion and worry brushing his soul and Castiel couldn’t stay in his seat any longer. He didn’t care if the class was on how to get to the best college or how to survive the fucking apocalypse. All he knew was that he had to find Sam.

He checked Sam’s classroom first, peeking through the window but he wasn’t there.

Sam’s locker, nada.

The Library, nope.

The Cafeteria, still nothing.

It was getting frustrating because Sam seemed to have disappeared. Castiel was about to move when he felt a flickering from Sam’s bond. It was opening and closing like a door being blown by a heavy wind. Suddenly, it burst and Castiel was overwhelmed.

Pain.

That was all he could feel. It burrowed deep in his chest and made his knees buckle. Castiel dry heaved at the overall exhaustion, pain, hurt.

Someone was trying to break their bond.

Someone was trying to hurt them.

Someone was hurting Sam.

Anger filled his whole body, Gabriel’s rage gave him the extra boost he needed and Castiel was running through the halls, trying to find their other half. He was just crossing the crossroads when he saw Crowley bent over a prone figure. The figure was talking quietly but whatever was said made Crowley angry and slam him to the ground. Another bought of pain made it through the bond for Cas to figure out that this was Sam.

His Sam.

Castiel stormed over and roughly shoved Crowley off. Crowley was wide-eyed at Cas but was otherwise ignored. Sam blearily blinked at his savior and grimaced apologetically.

“I-I couldn’t clo-close it anymore. ‘o sorry….”

“Shhh, it’s alright. I’m so happy that it fell. Otherwise, I wouldn’t know you were hurt,” Castiel cooed, gently gathering Sam up in his arms. His blue eyes glared daggers at Crowley. “What the hell did you think you were doing?!”

Crowley just stared at them, expression unreadable but hurt lingered in his gaze.

“What the hell possessed you to do this to my mate?!”

The other males gaze turned surprised before a bittersweet smile came to his face. Because of course the God’s would be cruel enough to give the angel to a mere mortal. And of course, an angel like Castiel would never be with a demon like himself. So, Crowley turned and walked away, head held high and fists clenched at his side.

Castiel wanted to run after him, demand answers but Sam needed help now. Looking down, he realized a small spot on his side was growing redder and redder with blood.

“I-I think I pulled m-my stitches,” Sam winced as Castiel picked him up, eyebrows furrowing with worry. Sam was too easy to carry a such a height.

Another funny fact; Sam said I, not He. I pulled my stitches. Not, He pulled my stitches. This kid blamed himself for someone else beating him. Dammit, Sam…

“Hush, its ok. You’re gonna be fine. Gabe is gonna come and Michael will re-stitch them,” Castiel started heading out to the parking lot. He wasn’t surprised to see Gabriel already waiting for them. The blond rushed out and wrapped an arm around Castiel’s shoulder and along Sam’s body, trying to find out what happened. At his questioning gaze, Cas just nodded to the car.

Sam smiled weakly at his blond lover. “Hey, G-Gabe.”

“Hi, SammySam. You’re gonna be ok, alright?” Gabriel cooed gently, helping Castiel lower Sam into the back of the car before rushing to the driver’s seat. Castiel laid Sam’s head on his lap, gently brushing the brunette hair away from the sweaty forehead.

Gabriel sped through the streets, debating on taking Sam to a hospital before disregarding the idea. He didn’t need multiple people poking at him, Sam needed his family. The oldest male probably broke all the driving rules in the book but all he could think of was stopping his mates’ pain, both of theirs. Gabriel flicked out his phone, calling Lucifer and telling him to be ready with Michael. The boys were equally worried about Sam, making the blonds heart swell. After what seemed like forever, they pulled into the driveway. Gabriel immediately gathered Sam in his arms and walked into the house, Castiel following after him, nearly hovering over his shoulder.

The front door was opened and Gabriel was guided to the couch, medical supplies was already thrown around the room. The two older mates could help the sighs of relief, knowing Sam would be fine. Michael worked diligently on the stitches, Lucifer dabbing away blood while absentmindedly talking to Sam, keeping the youngster’s mind off the pain. Gabriel held Castiel close to him, eyes never leaving the small form, accepting Castiel’s comfort.

“Do you know who did this?” Gabriel finally asked, once in the clear. Sam looked to be asleep, Castiel perched on the arm of the couch, leaning against the cushion and rubbing Sam’s foot soothingly.

“Yes. It was a guy I know, he is in my Psych class. I thought he was my friend…or acquaintance at the very least,” Gabe’s frown deepened and crossed his arms, gazing at the bruises littering his smallest mate.

“Why would he do it?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” A small voice whispered roughly. Sam’s blue-green eyes looked dully at them yet a tired grin pulled on his face. “He was jealous.”

“What, why?”

“He was obviously in love with Cas,” Sam rolled his eyes, muttering about clueless people. Castiel shared a surprised look with Gabe, before helping Sam sit up as he tried to move on his own.

“Are you sure?” Castiel asked, surprised he didn’t notice.

“Positive.”

“That doesn’t give him the right to do this.”

“Hey, Sammerdoodle?” Lucifer’s unusually quiet voice cut through the air. Sam blinked at the nickname, tilting his head curiously at the second oldest boy. “I saw some cuts and bruises on you, but they looked sorta…old. Maybe a couple days, a week at most. Were they from Crowley too?”

Sam had two options here. He could lie, effectively blaming Crowley and tearing his already fragile bond. The other option is telling them the truth about his dad, and that seemed like a very bad idea. Sam honestly didn’t know what to say, glancing down at his bloodied shirt, tugging the hem.

“I think maybe you should tell them the truth, Samuel,” A voice said. Chuck stood in the doorway, quietly observing the small boy. They didn’t even notice he was standing there like a creeper.

Gabe and Cas turned to Sam, worried confusion in their eyes. “Sammy?”

Tears flooded into the young boys’ eyes. He didn’t want to tell them but knew he had too. But it was so hard! How could he even think about telling them, when it will hurt them in the end? Everything he did was to make sure they didn’t hurt. With one glance at them, Sam knew he couldn’t lie. It would break all of them and right now, they needed each other more than anything.

“I know you guys wonder why I close the bond,” He started. He ignored the traded looks and curious stares. “You have to trust that I had a good reason for it. I never meant to hurt you.” Sam looked at Castiel who flinched lightly, guilt in his eyes. Gabriel grabbed both their hands, unusually serious. “Our first date…it was the best thing in the world. I was so happy!”

“Sam, we’ve been over this,” Gabe soothed. “You don’t need to explain this again.”

“No, you need-you need to know the truth,” Sam whispered. With a shuttering breath, he continued. “I did get beat that night, but not by some stupid rowdies. It-I,” The tears poured down his cheeks in shame, a small sob escaping him. “I got b-beat by my d-dad.”

The silence was deafening except for Sam’s ragged breathing. White rage burned deeply in all of them before another sob racked the silence. Castiel was cupping Sam’s cheeks, crying along with him. That broke Gabriel’s trance where he gathered them both in his arms, ignoring his own tears. Lucifer had a hand to his mouth, eyes wide and glossy before Michael pulled him into his chest, soothing his younger mate. Chuck sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He knew, deep down he knew this child was being hurt, but now that Sam admitted it, it just made everything more real.

“He-He-Why? Why did he- “Castiel cut himself off with another cry, burying his face in Sam’s neck. Sam immediately started running his fingers through Cas’s hair, trying to soothe the older boy.

“You learn not to question it anymore.”

Gabriel hugged Sam around his small waist, being mindful of the bruises. “Anymore?”

“I told you, I had reasons to close the bond,” A harsh sob escaped the oldest of Sam’s two mates and Gabriel was now sobbing along with Castiel, clutching Sam tighter.

“But you’ve b-been blocking the b-bond since fore-ever!”

“I never wanted you to know,” Sam shrugged, his tears stopping as he started soothing his two mates. Everyone was shaking with anger and grief, hurt feeling turned to understanding and sadness.

“You can’t s-stay there anymore.”

“I have too.”

“NO! Y-You can st-stay with us- you can- “

“I have my reasons for staying with my dad,” Sam explained, twiddling his thumbs. At their disbelieving looks, Sam sighed. “If I don’t stay with him, I would get sent to a foster center, which I way worse if you ask me. Besides, my big brother is gonna get custody of me soon. He just needs the stability first.”

“Sammy, babe,” Gabriel sighed, wiping his eyes angrily. “Your brother hasn’t come. You said he left when?”

“Almost a year ago.”

“And he still doesn’t have the ‘proper’ stability for you? Your old enough to handle yourself pretty well, so he should be fine with taking care of you.”

“What he means is,” Cas sniffed, rubbing his nose, eyes puffy and red. “Dean should have already come for you. No one in their right mind would ever leave their brother with an abusive parent.”

“You don’t think he’s coming?” Sam asked. He already had that feeling, hell, he already said goodbye to Dean and his brother still hasn’t checked his messages.

“I’m sorry, Sam,” Castiel whispered, tears already refilling in his eyes. “But I don’t think Dean is coming.”

Sam was silent as he slowly accepted this.

But goddammit it still hurt like a bitch.

Yet Sam smiled and curled closer to them, a shy look reflecting in his eyes. “Yeah, but I have you guys now.”

“Always Sammy, always,” Gabriel reassured, scooping the youngest boy in his arms, grabbing Castiel’s hand and dragging them to their room. Lucifer and Michael stared after, a small relief in their stomach’s as the boy seemed okay. Chuck, on the other hand, still looked worried and was fidgeting with his phone.

“Dad?” Michael asked, still clutching Lucifer to his chest. “Are you gonna call the police?”

Chuck sighed and shoved the phone into his pocket, “I want you boys to watch over Samuel, alright? Especially when he heads home.” Was all he said before walking to the kitchen to grab a Jack Daniel’s. Lucifer and Michael traded glances, knowing that that was their father’s way of saying he’ll keep quiet for now, not wanting to betray Sam’s trust but also knowing that he will call if Sam gets hurt again.

Gabriel made it to his and Cas’s room, smiling at the king-sized bed that finally made it to their house. He plopped Sam down before pulling Castiel in on the other side. Sam was mushed between them, back against Castiel’s chest and curled onto Gabriel’s. Shots of small graces moved over the injured one’s own grace, soothing each other. The smaller grace twirled around the two, assuring that he was fine, the buzz of content flooding through the bond.

“Sammy, if this ever happens again, with Crowley or your dad, please, you-you have to let us know. You can’t bear to see us hurt, how do you think we feel?” Gabriel muttered, looking down at the small boy. Sam winced, realizing that was true. While trying to save his mates from pain, he was unknowingly hurting them himself from hiding it all.

“I’m sorry.”

“We know but please don’t do it again,” Cas muttered, nuzzling Sam’s hair, one arm curled around Sam’s chest, the other petting Gabe’s hair.

“I swear, I won’t. It hurts me too,” Gentle kisses were placed on Sam’s head before Sam fell into a dark veil of bliss and happiness. Sleep came easily to them as they were finally all safe.