#its obvious too i've stopped caring as much about not just saying shit in my one on ones with my manager

[beehop]

dreading work tomorrow in a way i haven't since i quite my old toxic af job nearly two years ago and it kinda sucks. this new project they put my team on just...sucks ass...and all i keep thinking is "this isn't the job i was hired to do". which is barely even true because i wasn't even hired for this specific job my company got acquired. but the job stayed the same up until now!! this isn't super coherent i'm just like...ugh. and tomorrow is only wednesday.

[grub-hut]

I don't use Tiktok, never will, In my opinion I think the app should shut down. [ But that will never happen... So I will cope.] But god are ya'll are insufferable on there. The fact you have this strong par asocial attachment to Sebastian and claim that Zerum is ""ruining the character"" is just blasphemy and shows you guys know nothing to zero about writing and do not play the game whats so ever. I've talked to Zerum; Ive talked to the devs and mods ; and all the false claims and misinformation that's being spread like a wildfire IS CRAZY. Everyone's so exhausted. It takes just a couple of minutes to prove it's false but that would actually require these people to literally sit down and fucking read. Zerum never banned anybody. Zerum doesn't handle the bans in the server. If you got banned or muted, it was most likely the automod in the server that they have implemented to avoid people saying anything weird or sexual... [ A friend of mine got muted because they sent a gif that had a weird name to it; nothing related to the gif, the gif was fine and they filed a ticket and got unmuted. Its just the bot doing its job.] and even then the mods probably banned you for something completely unrelated...

and even then, can we STOP normalizing this??

Like this GRINDS my gears, it fucking rusts, it makes me want to break down and combust into flames- Stop. Stop. YOU ARE THE ISSUE. Creators want to create. Either for ourselves or for others, whatever it maybe people enjoy letting their creativity flow because ITS FUN. IT SHOULD BE--- FUN!!! We are giving you literally something free and something to ENJOY because we enjoy it just as much! This stupid fucking mindset being so normalized makes me SO SICK. " whatever is put on the internet is free reign!" you guys have ZERO respect for any creator; even yourselves and its so BLATANTLY OBVIOUS. You guys preach about "respecting artists/creators" till it doesnt fit with your agenda, because we should just "expect" our works to be disrespected and used. Like our feelings never mattered. Are we going to ignore the discussion of AI art too? Or copyright, or literally anything of that sort here? Yes, its the internet, there WILL be people who are so drastically cruel and do something you will not like. I do agree its best to ignore those kinds of people but that does not mean we should just LET it happen. It does not mean we should suck it up and take the blows. This is how people stop creating, youre killing artists, youre shunning them away because "its the internet, lol, dont get mad if ppl -" Stop it, you're teaching younger generations that it does not matter if you have boundaries or not and that your voice doesnt mean anything. I mean fuck, you put your oc here I can use it however I want then! Because you shouldve expected the moment you click post for other people to use it! Who cares right?! its OUR oc now >:)!!! No matter what the character is from, by a indie game, a comic, a book, yadda yadda. If youre gonna be scum, you are gonna BE scum. Artists should be respected and be listened to. If Zerum ships her oc to her oc, so fucking what? She created him. YES. SHE CREATED HIM. Just because she is a """co-owner" You forget she wrote and designed him. You forget its STILL HER CHARACTER. WHICH BTW, HE WOULDNT EXIST IF IT WASNT FOR ZERUM!! ITS HER CHARACTER- Not yours, and if your first thing that comes to mind " oh but shes ruining her character" then so what, its not MADE for you. Hell, Sebastian is only like 1% of the whole entire game! ENJOY THE GAME, ENJOY THE ACTUAL LORE. MAKE YOUR OWN OCS, GO WACKY WOOHOO AND ENJOY IT WITH OTHERS. If you make headcanons for Sebastian or any other characters! Great! As long as you are respectful who literally cares. HAVE FUN! Stop harassing and bullying and literally spreading misinfo; I am so sick of people with this mindset! This is why the internet is such a shit place to begin with because we just let this stuff happen. Grow up! Like PAInter said.." YOURE NO FUN AT ALL!"

[kurosstuff]

prompt 7 or 8 with Lute, but have fem!reader be the sub 🍯

Hope you enjoy these~ I hope you don't mind I used both prompts♡♡

Warming(s) straps, first times, it's smut, small dirty talk(?), lutes attempts at praise. Detailed lf a "stomach bulge" a bit? Idk if thats a warning. Lute being mean and nice? Idk

Gonna kinda jump right into this and it's kinda short hope you don't mind

Lute x f!reader

Truly. You didn't know how you got into this mess-

Firstly- Adam sent you to retrieve Lute for a meeting, which was hours ago. But here you are in her room. On her lap making out with her "gon-gonna be late~ Adam wants you~" you whsipering moaning against her bruised lips- causing her to snarl biting at your equally if not more bruised lips

With little effort, she flipped you around, so you laid on your back under her flushed seeing her smirk "don't give a shit if I'm late~ I want one thing and one thing only~" purring out kissing you deeply groaning loudly kissing the obvious question off your lips "don't tell me you don't know~?' Seeing you shake your head, she hummed, grinding against you to feel the toy she wore

"You. Obviously. I want to fuck you"

Hearing that? Made you yelp, covering your face in embarrassment as she striped, huffing smug as she saw how in awe you are. How you peaked watching her "oh come on~ I dont bite~", grinding on your lap to feel the toy on her waist "much~" pushing your hands away kissing you roughly, moaning at the broken whine escaping your throat

Flushed watching her practically rip your shirt open, shredding it with little to no concern. "Wait! That's my shirt!" Yelping out before she kissed you again - mumbling something about getting you another later. Leaving marks across your body in her wake. "fuck~ eager, h-huh?" Whining out under her

Snarling loudly, she nodded, stepping back, pulling her pants down, finally showing you the toy she had "yeah maybe I am~? Why can you blame me?" Purring out, spreading your legs open for her settling between them reaching a hand down rubbing your entrance slowly "gonna be a good girl and let me fuck this pretty little pussy~?" Purring out pushing a finger in slowly to tease. Slowly stretching you for her

Moaning loudly flushed, nodding shakily clinging to her bed tightly, "Please ~? Fuck me?" You begged under her panting heavily watching her groan. Smirking, she nodded, watching you grind against her before pulling away lining the silicone dicks tip to your entrance pushing in slowly but roughly. Holding your waist tightly relishing in the whines you let out

"Oh stop fucking whining~ you can take this dick can't you? Come on~ say. It" Lute smirked smug, pushing more into you, hearing you cry out flushed, panting heavily

"Ive- I've never done this before~" you stuttered out, shakily opening your legs wider for her gasping softly "i- I can take it~" Feeling her freeze tensing up over you panic on her face as she took in your words.

"This is your first..? Shit ok- it's ok~ I've got you ok? I'll take good care of you~ just lay back and relax~" Rubbing your waist, kissing you almost more gently, then before the rough kissing "ill- I'll be gentle. Make you feel so good, ok?" Her wings fluttering in embarrassment or a show? You weren't sure.

Nodding, you smiled, moving to wrap your arms around her neck and pulling her into a deep kiss, moaning softly. "I trust you ok~? I'm glad.. its you" you whispered against her lips as she slipped all the way into you, dragging out a loud whine moaning

Humming, she nodded, gently moving to pound into you- marking your neck up, unable to be gentle dispite her wanting too "fuck~ just like that little dove~" she snarled out flushed wings fluttering at the yells of her name leaving your mouth "go on~ let everyone know who's fucking you so good yeah~?" Whining softly a hand on her bed the other on your lower back pulling you impossibly closer as she eagerly- almost hungrily fucked into you

Nipping at your neck at the red bruising mark, she smiled at the almost possessive marks she left on you- as if she truly was claiming you for herself in such an almost selfish manner. "Harder~, please ~?" You sobbed out, grinding into her, trying to match her pace. Humming leaning back, who was she to object to her beloved dove? Holding your waist pounding rougher into you, rutting into you, making your sob out arching more against her bed clawing at her back careful to avoid her wings

"Fuck like that dove? Such a whore for my cock?" She snarled out panting nails digging into your waist watching how the bulge in your stomach expanded and vanished from her pounding into you- biting her lip hearing your pleas for her "fuck that's it my dove~ that's what I wanna hear~" she growled out leaning over you more pounding faster "so good for me~ so tight~"

Sobbing our kissing her deeply, wrapping your legs around her waist, pulling her deeper, making you practically mewl under her squealing from the spot, she hit roughly eyes rolling back "g-gonna can i-? Can I please~?" Sobbing out loudly,

Hearing you beg? Made her practically purr over you nodding "go on little dove~ cum for me~?" She growled our her pace unrelenting even as you screamed releasing around her cock "fuck~ good girl~" panting heavily helping you ride our your high before finally pulling out Of you softly panting

"What- what about you?" Shakily pulling her onto them, she hummed, rubbing one of many bruises left on you, making her shake her head, easily pulling you on her chest. "Rest. Their will be more next time~" she whispered against you, making you hum smirking. "There's gonna be a next time?"

Looking away, grumbling, "of course there will be.. if you wish for that as well" she hummed, flushed wings puffing softly smug. "I'll properly clean you up when you have your breath i.. uh I'll make a bath for you- or whatever you need" clearly not understanding how to do aftercare.

Smiling, you nodded, kissing her gently panting "as long as you join~" nuzzling into her neck knowing later. You'll both need to talk about what happened but for now. You just want to be held by her. In her arms. Safe

[tryingtograspctrl]

GLASS: SAM WILSON X BLACK PLUS SIZE READER

SUMMARY - You move from your small town in Louisiana all the way to New york and land yourself a job as the Avenger’s personal chef, just when you think you’ve built a comfy life outside of your sister she finds her way in again and manages to turn your world upside down.

A/N - I decided to dabble into the invisible sister trope and let me just say mannnn this is gonna be long but i promise it’s not gonna be boring so stick with me please!

Warning: mentions of childhood trauma, mentions of anxiety attacks, manipulative behavior and foul language.

The two of you had been compared to each other since you were toddlers.

You were always the clumsy one, the one that cried too much, the one that didn't keep anyone entertained for long enough.

As you both grew into young adults it was obvious that you weren't as liked as your older sister. She was fun and outgoing, a party girl, someone that people could hold a conversation with, a favorite not only amongst friends but relatives too.

It really hurt when you began to notice that everyone ignored you and gravitated towards her, if you got the chance to talk to anybody all they'd care about was her.

Its not like you were super insecure, you knew you were pretty, you liked how you looked, you thought you were pretty funny and had a lot of interesting things to say but that didn't matter when you were next to your sister. You knew that if it came down to the two of you, you wouldn't exactly be first pick.

Your sister wasn't always the nicest to you either, neither were you to her but that's just the way the two of you were. Like every other sibling relationship sometimes you fought and didn't speak to each other, other times it was like the both of you against the world.

When other people were around it was a different story, obviously fueled by all the praise she'd treat you like shit, often using you as a stepping stone to boost her own ego, to attract more attention to herself.

Despite how rocky your relationship could be you two were attached at the hip, doing nearly everything together so it came as quite a shock when you packed up all your things and decided to leave your small home in Louisiana for New york.

"What the hell am i supposed to do on my own?!" She huffed throwing a tantrum like a child.

"What you always do, don't act like you can't survive without me. We both know you got a bit more pull in this town than me." You snorted.

"I'm serious y/n if you leave i'll jump off the roof of this house." She whined.

"Would you stop it?" You started to get annoyed.

"No you stop it! You can be so stupid sometimes you know that? Dropping everything and leaving your home, your family? You tremble like a scared puppy at the thought of going to the grocery store alone but you can move halfway across the country by yourself? Please you're probably gonna have one of your little anxiety attacks in the uber on the way to the airport.”

"You know i really thought for once you'd be supportive of a decision i decided to make on my own, but you never do change do you? All my life i've stuck beside you, going where you went, doing what you wanted to do being your fucking shadow. For once i want to take control of my own life, i want to go somewhere and start fresh, go somewhere where i could possibly be known by my own name, not just as your sister." You spat, hot angry tears streaming down your face.

"This was never about you missing me when I'm gone, it was about you hating the fact that you won't have your puppet with you wherever you go anymore." You grabbed your bags loading them up into your car.

Your sister never showed up to the airport to see you off, she didn't call you when you landed, and she hasn't spoken to you since that night at your home.

Three years had passed and you'd be lying if you said your move to New york was all sunshine and rainbows.

Your passion was cooking but you loved to make sweet treats so you always leaned towards those sorts of jobs and you had been through many in your first year in the big apple.

One shitty bakery job after another had you ready to eat your words and pack your bags to move back home but you'd never give your sister the satisfaction, not after everything she said.

So you stuck it out, bouncing around hoping that one day you'd land somewhere worthwhile and eventually you did in the most unexpected fashion.

It had been a long day at work, you were swamped the entire time because you were the only employee in the shop. Frank was a cheap son of a bitch that couldn't stand the idea of hiring more workers and having to pay them as-well so he insisted that you do the work of multiple people, you baked all the goods, took orders, cleaned the shop and pretty much everything else one person alone shouldn't be doing.

And to make matters worse everyone insisted on being an ass, you weren't sure if it was god punishing you or if there was just something in the air that morning but everyone decided to give you a hard time.

"Hey could you hurry the fuck up? I'm already 10 minutes late." A man yelled as you went to the back to grab another pan of donuts.

"Listen i'm doing the best i can here, i only have two hands and as you can see i'm the only one here." You sighed handing the man his pastry.

"Yeah what the hell ever." He snatched the bag and left.

"Morning sir what can i get for you?" You wiped the sweat off your forehead doing your best to smile.

"I'll take a dozen, and you'll be taking the rest of the day off. Sorry folks shop's closed!" The guy announced.

A bunch of curses and groans were thrown around but nonetheless they all cleared out.

"Sir you can't do that! My boss is gonna have my head." You frowned in protest.

"Considering the fact that i now own this place whatever i say goes and i say you have the rest of the day off. Mind taking a walk with me?" He took a bite out of one of his donuts.

You were a bit embarrassed to find out who you were talking to was the Tony Stark and you didn't even recognize him right of the bat but he brushed it off.

Apparently he had been interested in purchasing the shop for quite some time, it was a childhood favorite of his and he felt pretty bad once he found out Frank suckered yet another young ambitious baker into his schemes, he knew then he had to take the place. Not surprising Frank practically threw the keys into Tony's hands once he made an offer. Money was everything to that man, apparently it meant way more to him than the little bake shop his grandfather built from the ground up and handed down to him.

Tony had also took quite a liking to you and he insisted that you be the team's personal chef.

"You guys are superhero's when do you even have the time to sit down and have a meal?" You looked at him in disbelief.

"Never really, most things we take on the go which also seems impractical but it helps us feel grounded in a way." He shrugged.

"Plus i'm really tired of having to pretend to like Steve's cooking, it'd be nice to have someone that actually knows what they're doing in the kitchen." He shook his head.

"Wait ste- i mean Captain america cooks?" You laughed.

"Barley, he nearly burns down the kitchen every time he steps into it." He bumped your shoulder snorting.

"Okay." You spoke up after some time.

"Okay?" He raised a brow, knowing exactly what you meant but wanting you to say it.

"Okay i'll do it, i'll be your personal chef." You smiled brightly at him.

"Great, you can start tomorrow." He nodded handing you his card which also had the address to the tower on it.

That's how it began.

Part two: here

[ghostlyvoidshark]

Could you do some rival Headcanons between epic and cross sans fighting over us? Like every second you cannot breath, each of them trying to one up each other to show who would treat you better. This idea has been floating in my head for a bit, so just wanted to finally request it. (Also, can we be gender neutral? And romantic, obviously) Thank you and have a good day/night! :)

Hello hun! Sorry this took me a little while - I've had to work more than normal recently. But THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!! I thi k this is my first from a non-moot so im so excited to be able to write this for you! I hope you have a lovely day / night as well :D sorry if this isnt that long, im trying to get some confidence in my writing lolol

Epic & Cross x Reader

Cross doesn't like fighting Epic since they are pretty close but this doesn't stop him from getting competitive.

Epic, on the other hand, loves play fighting and competing with Cross! He's not aggressive about it, he just does it for fun.

Cross is usually trying to prove himself worthy of your affection in some way while Epic just likes flirting and making you laugh.

Epic is surprisingly good at flirting but often settles for making you laugh because he loves it so much.

Sometimes Epic flirts with cross too just to fuck with him lmaoo - Cross is always baffled and a mess when it happens. Its pretty funny to watch tbh.

Most people assume youre a polycule. Epic doesnt help dispel that with his flirting. I mean a poly relationship could probably work.

You will never know alone time again if you don't set those boundaries. They're both Clingy!!

Given the chance, Cross will escort you everywhere - hes like your own personal bodygaurd. (You dont know how he knows your schedule so well or how he finds you so easily when going out.)

Epic also shows up a lot. Hes usually the one initiating lunch & dinner dates between y'all. Well, its not obvious theyre dates but they basically are, lmao.

They do try to one up each other but you'll next to never see them fight. You may catch them bickering about who did better, though. Epic likes instigating and Cross can be sassy.

They may have a fight about you once. Other than that they are chill because they're so close and Epic often gets Cross to communicate.

The fight would probably be mostly on Cross. He would get mad that he fell for someone his best friend likes. He would be upset that he "couldn't have someone himself" both because he feels guilty about Epic and for personal issues (he's lost a lot). Then he'd be mad that he thought that way and felt jealous. He wouldn't like how selfish he feels. Epic talks him through it, though. And talks some sense into him :]

Cross may be quiet most of the time but he is hanging around more often than not. He's just sort of ... supervising lol. Its comforting in an odd way. He likes the quality time too.

Sometimes Epic gets you alone, though. He gets you two to do relaxing things together like a picnic or video games.

He can be surprisingly tender and romantic but he will ruin it with a joke after surprising you or flustering you with the romance so cherish the moment while you can. Good luck, too. ;P

Cross is a mixed bag. One moment he's purposely suave and dashing then the next he cant get a sentence out . Its like he has moments of clarity then goes back to being a dork.

On a few occasions they will team up on you. I don't think they would really plan it unless it was your birthday or something special like that. When they do it it's usually just an accident and their moods synced to cause chaos.

When they team up they are menaces! Epic would be all gentle and romantic with flirty, witty remarks while Cross would be the type to guide you by the small of your back, leaning in to tell you things. And you know he'd be saying stuff like he's your personal knight! "I'll always be there for you." || "if you ever need anything just come to me, I'll take care of you." And shit like that.

Augh they would have you cornered but like in a good way. Cross always behind you, making sure you're safe while Epic leads you around by the hand. I hate them. I actually love them damn it.

Sometimes they get needy and steal you away for a while. The dorks.

Epic "kidnaps" you to cuddle up somewhere and read or watch a movie. He's very touchy (respectfully) so if you're okay with it he will be all over you. He especially loves it if you act as his weighted blanket and lay on him.

Cross gets grouchy and takes you somewhere on an "adventure". Most of the time it'll be somewhere without people. If the place has rough terrain he'll likely try to convince you to let him carry you lol. "You got it?" / "you tired?" / "want help?" Any reason to be close or touching you if you'll allow it.

If you're more of a low and mellow energy person he'll set up a special spot where he sets up stuff for one of your hobbies (if he can) somewhere hidden and will hang out with you.

Stars forbid you give only one of them a gift. They won't guilt you or be mean, but they will rub it in the others face subtly. If they're the one who didnt get something then Epic would jokingly act all clingy and pouty while Cross glares at him. Speaking of, Cross would stand closer than normal and Low-key pout if he didn't get something. Like a cat who wants something from you.

If you're the more affectionate, touchy type then you're going to likely always have one of them touching you if they're around. Epic practically hangs off of you while Cross just has a hand on you somehow. They have probably scent marked you, accidentally or not. They just clingy bois.

Also - not in a kinky way - but Cross has a high chance of biting you during prolonged physical contact lol. It's just a quirk of his. Its like cuteness aggression but in a loving way. You can think of it as kisses it a way.

He wouldn't mention it if you dont but it is a good way to fluster him >:3c

As for trying to be better than each other i think they would choose some things you like and try to be "the best" at it?? Like... lets say you collect shells. Suddenly they are finding great shells - in tact and pretty - and giving them to you. Same with trinkets. Or finding weird coffee mugs if you like those.

Epic also is that bitch who has a lot of money and just sugar daddies his friends LMAOO. You want that expensive thing? Dont worry bby hes got it kcjsbsbsb. If hes crushing on you it just gets worse and more ridiculous.

Cross is the one who has dedication to getting you things. So if something is about timing or searching hard for it he's the one to go to. He also just brings you random things like a bird..?? You dont even know where he gets half the stuff he shows up with. You may even just find stuff on a table in your house randomly.

Also, for no apparent reason, kareoke becomes a thing between y'all. You have no choice /j

[basu-shokikita]

Your skwistok duel rants have actually made me ship them. I've been rewatching the series and I'm starting to see more sparks than I did on my first couple watches. Any other big series moments that have you seeing more of their compatibility?

ahhh really?? that's so nice to hear ;o; i love my silly boys

hmm well, tbh skwisgaar accepting toki into the band was what sold me out on skwistok for good. but it's exactly because it explained EVERYTHING for me. before watching dsr i liked skwistok but i was convinced it was a one-sided deal on toki's part. but once that we were shown that it was skwisgaar who welcomed him into dethklok, that it was skwisgaar and skwisgaar only who wanted him in it i was like oh shit...he loves him back....

so rewatching the series with this origin story in mind, made me see them under a new light, particularly when it came to skwisgaar. whereas before i saw skwisgaar being uncaring of toki, i was now realizing that he did care, he just had a shitty way of showing it. he's a tough love kinda guy. yet, he's still a bit possessive of him and pretty protective for his cold bitch standards.

but anyway for skwistok moments that i find important in no order:

skwisgaar's weird jealous tantrum when he walks into toki and his guitar teacher in dethlessons. it's fucking hysterical but i'm also fascinated with the way it's framed like toki is cheating on skwisgaar. which skwisgaar definitely thought, by the way. yes, he was worried about toki becoming better than him but imo he was also upset about toki having a guitar bond with anyone that wasn't him. and hey, after the duel? it makes total sense.

skwistok drunk driving and shooting at the beginning of dethrace. i've already talked about how funny it is to me that skwisgaar was doing that with toki but mostly i think it speaks miles about the both of them that they chose each other to go fuck around and break the law. like, these guys are actually close???

in the same vein, skwistok pranking murderface in prankklok. the way toki lies in skwisgaar's bed so comfortably, like he's been there soo many times that it's essentially his room too. his two little feet dangling in the air, silly laugh while listening to skwisgaar on the phone. it's so fucking cute they love each other's company so much

the infamous 'stop copies me' from dethcarraldo. not only does it send me to tears everytime but it showcases their competitive nature in a way that i find both endearing and cute. i mean, toki repeating everything skwisgaar says and refusing to acknowledge it??? and skwisgaar acting like an offended child about it?? these guys share the braincell, how can you ever separate them?

toki dressing up as skwisgaar in the dethklok tribute band. stealing his clothes. acting stupid when skwisgaar pointed it out. looking absolutely elated when he was called skwisgaar skwigelf in that shitty club. shit out of a fanfic i swear. and then not only that but skwisgaar being fine with being toki in the tribute band?? you guys get a room my god

toki hitting skwisgaar the most in doublebookedklok* considering charles said toki was hitting his bandmates cause he wanted their attention...does it mean he wants skwisgaar's attention the most? look, it might be obvious by this point but having the narrative acknowledge that toki not only idolizes skwisgaar but wants his attention...

the unforgettable, the iconic 'i'll sees you in vallhaska' scene from the s1 finale. i feel like it truly bares skwistok's dynamic to its core. skwisgaar unable to say goodbye properly, so he tells him he'll see him again. toki unable to admit how he really feels about skwisgaar so he says he hates him. skwisgaar smiling because he KNOWS that's not what toki really meant. peak romance right here

skwisgaar actually trying to save toki in bookklok. it's played for the laughs but i can't stop thinking of how skwisgaar genuinely thought toki was going to die and, despite toki essentially ruining his life, he didn't hesitate to run and try to save him. 'comes back to me toki' lives rent free in my mind like what the hell was that. what in the WORLD. was that. jesus christ. how could they end the ep like this really

the entirety of the staresdown. skwistok canon, i'm afraid

last but not least i'd say the entirety of army of the doomstar tbh. it might not be focused on skwistok but the skwistok moments we got out of it were GOLDEN. narrative wise i give a special shoutout to toki carrying skwisgaar on his back + giving him his guitar cause he knew skwis needed it. the amount of love and concern in here. that's his beautiful guitarist wife that he adores.

these are the big moments of the top off my head but really it is about the details with them. a lot of nuances in their relationship are kinda lost to the background because it's not their dynamic that carries the plot, so you just gotta focus on them haha. for example one of my subtle faves is toki going catatonic in dethfam and skwisgaar going 'what?? you're not talking to me??' because like. damn this bitch can't handle his little guy not talking to him for 5 seconds. talk about being codependent

anyway, i hope i answered your question somehow anon ✌️

*upon rewatching doublebookedklok, i've realized toki hits murderface just as much as he does skwisgaar but my point still stands. at the very least skwisgaar is one of the members toki wants the most attention from

[optiwashere]

WIP Wednesday

Holy shit, it's actually on a Wednesday this time?

I really wanted to do one of these this week since I've gone a bit rabid on a few WIPs.

I'll post a little bit about each of those WIPs later, some snippets and a blurb about why I'm so excited. But first! Folks to tag! Since I'm so excited for these, I'm gonna tag a lot this time.

If you have anything you want to share WIP writing-wise, please do... @quitefair @bottombatch @siyurikspakvariisis @causticcontemplation @jasminethetransvampire @underworldobsessed @assarivanguard @amorficzna @funwithnix @askweisswolf @linka-from-captain-planet @tief4tief

If you don't want to do this, or have nothing you want to share, feel free to ignore. If anyone else wants to do this, please feel free to consider yourself tagged. Now, onto my obsessions.

WIP 1: New chapter of Nightsongs

After spending some chapters in a kind of angst zone after the relatively light (relatively) first 4-5 chapters, this next chapter is going to be a kind of upswing. There's lots left to do with the AU, so I'm expecting to chug along and write more and more as time permits.

This AU is a lot for me to handle, especially after having so many chapters ready to post and then... falling way behind on writing the chapters afterwards. But it's fanfiction, and we're having fun here. So, who cares? The game's fandom heyday is already over, so at this point I'm just writing whatever feels best to me.

This chapter is mostly done, I think. I'm giving it a few days/a week to sit before I go back to edit it with fresher eyes. Also, we return to Ash's POV!

Lae’zel walked into Ash’s back office without a word on the seventh day and Ash nodded her way without looking up. Papers sat in strewn piles all over the desk, a handful of old incident reports and assessments that still needed working for Wulbren’s accountants. The absolute worst part of the job remained for the year – paperwork – and Ash intended to get them caught up in the hours that remained of her day. It was a useful, meaningful task. It gave her something else to think about. Anything other than green eyes. “We should talk,” Lae’zel said, sitting down without being offered one of the folding chairs in front of the desk. “Aren’t we doing that?” Ash scanned the paper in front of her and quickly jotted down her signature. [...] “You begin working on a van,” Lae’zel said matter-of-factly, counting off on her fingers as she spoke. “You talk to a pretty girl. You suddenly work more often on that van. Then, you disappear inside yourself and act bitter all day because suddenly the girl no longer shows up. There is more to it than you say.” “I think this might be the first time you’ve spoken more than five words to me, you know that?” Ash chuckled. “Am I that obvious?”

WIP 2: New chapter of Blades in the Night

The need to write more plot for this has been burrowing in my skull for a long time. I initially stopped myself from writing too much of it because I wanted to do Nightsongs first in its entirety before getting to this, but I think I'm just too impatient for that.

I also love the fact that this fic turned from a simple PWP one-shot into this much more expansive, plotty story that's now pretty important for what I want to do with my babies post-canon. Something about that makes me smile.

Plus, you know how I've been lamenting my inability to write happy endings for certain characters?

Either way, this isn't really complete, but the hardest part is complete and now I just have to start connecting the dots and filling in the blanks. I'd say it's about a third done?

The room filled with the same aura of a distant gaze leveled their way that Shadowheart had felt back in the cloister. Asheera had made an oath to protect Shadowheart then, and the flooding of a dense, real presence had nearly swallowed her whole in the cloister's barracks. A weight of importance sunk down on her shoulders there in Hobb's Hovel as well. A smell like molten metal cooling lilted in the air with a lingering, acrid tang. It tasted of blood in Shadowheart's mouth, as if the forging was tainted with some other foul presence in the mixture. [...] Little could have compared better to that feeling of a weight lifted from her shoulders. Worry disappeared and gave way to earnest joy in Shadowheart, and she thrived on it. She hadn't felt such keen happiness since she'd been so readily accepted into Asheera's family by her parents.

WIP 3: Gauntlet of Shar fic

Wow, I know! I've been talking about writing this fic for so long that it's almost become a sort of mythical never-to-be-slain beast for me. I'm not normally someone that talks about my ideas too often, I just write them before they can flee me.

I tend to also get in my own head about what I "should" be writing in the first place. Frankly, I'm getting kinda tired of writing so many ships, though fear not - I'll still have ideas that can only work with ships that aren't Shadowheart/Asheera. It's just that, for a while, I want to focus back on my loves.

This fic is one of those that I've wanted to finish for months. I know that at this point in the fandom's life cycle, I'm pretty much writing just for the dedicated, lovely folks that still read my stuff and I'm extremely happy to have y'all around! Maybe this will make Light Casts a Shadow ring a little more true for some, maybe it will be just another fic that I post, who knows.

Also, one thing I'm planning on experimenting with for this fic is alternate endings for Fun. This is a fic where the ending hinges on choices that Shadowheart makes in the game, so it's only fitting that I explore what would happen if she made those other choices.

But anywho, enough blabbing. Excerpt time!

Those touches and more, Asheera cherished. She watched in silence as Shadowheart turned her devotions to each of those tasks. Perhaps it was the nature of clerics to give themselves entirely to seemingly mundane tasks much the same Asheera felt compelled to consider her oaths in nearly every conversation, battle, or even moments like Shadowheart carefully buckling a cuisse to her leg with straps of leather at the backs of Asheera's knees. Fingertips trailed against her clothed skin, and Shadowheart stood up once more. "There," she said, "all's taken care of, then. Tell me, how's my handiwork? Be honest. I can handle the criticism." Asheera brought her balled fist to her chest in an arm curl. She flexed the elbow out and tested her shoulders, knees, ankles, and hips for motion. None of the plates caught on one another, and none of the straps across her hands, arms, knees, or chest restricted her. "Perfect," Asheera said at last. "Marvelous work." Shadowheart offered a quick smile. "I'll take a Gondian's compliment on such things any day." "Can't say I would've done a better job." "Ah, there's the honesty I was waiting for. Truly, where would you be without me?"

[nerves-nebula]

i have something to say about people who are suspicious of Palestinian fundraisers on tumblr saying shit like "why would they go to tumblr for help??? that's so weird??" like. they're probably not just on tumblr (and if they are its probably out of desperation. they're trying to not die).

but they've probably reached out to a lot of organizations and a lot of people. a lot of them have instagram accounts too, which you'd know if you glanced at any of the vetted fundraiser lists. it's not that they're inexplicably drawn to tumblr it's that (i'm assuming) they're on social media in general trying to get help across platforms. tumblr is still social media with a lotta people on it. i dunno what to tell you.

(i just continue rambling under the cut this is the main important part)

i'm also gonna say that there were definitely refugees on tumblr from all over asking for help before now, too. That's how i met Abdul, who i've known for like 2 or 3 years at this point. he sent me a dm asking for help and i was like this could be a scam but it could also be a real person. so lets see which it is. so i talked to him and he sent me his number and sent me photos of himself and his surroundings and the things he bought with the money i gave him. and i know a lotta people wouldn't have talked to him, cuz they DIDN'T talk to him. i'm his only point of financial support rn, as far as i know.

mostly they prolly would've assumed he was a scammer and reported him or something, cuz his english isn't 100% perfect. and i knowww you guys hate when people don't speak perfect english, you can't hide that shit from me. i know cuz i had to private a vent cuz people wouldn't stop being racist against my dad for not typing the way they wanted. who cares if he abuses his kid the REAL problem is that he Talks Weird, right?

i know cuz i was raised by a white woman who tried to train us to instantly be suspicious of anyone who didn't speak english well enough. i know cuz its obvious. i honestly don't even need to give examples. it's obvious within yourself too, if you look for it. it's something i'm still having to train myself outta.

idk. dont really have a point here. i feel like i'm drowning or something. i dont have enough money to help and i'm surrounded by people who refuse to help. i'm surrounded by rich kids too, at this college. rich kids, some of whom have allowances more than what i make all month, though i guess that might change now that i'm gonna be working two jobs. maybe i'm underestimating how much those kids get tho. i don't know how bad the course load is gonna be this semester. i hope it's not too bad cuz i don't feel All There enough to weather without, like, self harm or something. annnyyywayyy.

why even complain about it. i know you weren't going to donate anyway. you don't have to tell us your justification.

[bengiyo]

My School President Ep 12 (Finale) Stray Thoughts

Most of the week I was actually ready to finish this show and begin anticipating its impacts. Now I just know I'm going to miss these losers.

Last week, Chinzhilla lost Hot Wave, and we spent the episode watching them grapple with yet another defeat: this time on the biggest stage yet. They decided to go back to the beach to honor their wishes, and we watched the group tear apart at the seams. Still, Yak came through with some perspective, Tiwson with some food, and Tinn with the final performance for the band at prom. Tinn's mom is aware of his relationship with Gun, but is trying to be a good mom and keep her anxieties to herself and her husband.

Oh right, we're picking up with Tinn's mom asking Tinn directly about Gun.

Not them cutting between both moms! Don't make me compare them!

Fine, let's compare. Tinn and Potjanee have this huge wall between them in their relationship that seems founded entirely on her expectations of Tinn. It's hard for well-behaved children to be open with their parents when they've thrived so long on praise for meeting those expectations. On the other hand, Gun and Gim have struggled and lost a lot together, and so much of their relationship is about Gim not letting Gun give up on his dreams. So, of course Gun can tell his mom about Tinn and it mostly be a formality and yet another excuse for them to hug and reassure each other.

I do feel for Potjanee. Seeing your son scared because you might ask about the person he cares about can't feel good, and there's no obvious way of fixing it at this point. However you've raised him has convinced him that he can't trust you with this. That's actually just so sad.

I get these two agreeing to continue as they are. The reality that some of your families won't accept you is unfortunately a norm for many viewers.

This Canon ad is cute, but anyone on the school network can access this printer???

The boyfriend era is fun.

Tiwson said you will absolutely give him his flowers.

The homophobia creeping at the edges is an unfortunate reminder of my own adolescence. I do like that the show is highlighting that it impacts queer girls too.

Irritated, jealous Gun is so demanding.

A tandem bike! My goodness.

Oh, I like them sliding in cute boyfriend kisses first. That's such a good choice, because they've actually been together for a while.

Phat, we're asking about juniors now??? I've been asking about this for like six episodes!

I really think we as a global society should stop taking pictures and videos of people on the streets and using them as content. What sucks so much about this is that Gun is finally willing to be openly affectionate with Tinn. He decides to kiss his boyfriend on their date, and now someone is going to take that joy from them. It's not like they were hooking up in the park, and yet here we are.

I love Chinzhilla with my whole heart.

Kajorn saying he quits if they're not on the same page, and Gun coming behind to say he already used the same lie Tiwson suggested...but Tinn doesn't want to lie anymore....set to a sad piano version of Let Me Tell You...oof.

Not Gun using Tinn's nose suggestion to keep from crying in the rain.

Best Boy Tinn is not gonna let this pull them apart. Interesting that we just saw Fourth and Gemini hug tightly in Moonlight Chicken. Gemini places arm in a similar way here, too.

I'm installing an EMP on every queer so that we can demolish people's phones when they record us.

Very much enjoying Sound and Win in the finale. I will miss all of Chinzhilla. I hope they appear in the Our Skyy 2 episode.

See, and this is why I never turned on Potjanee. I know some of y'all feel some kinda way about her, but here we are. These boys have not even been out for 24 hours and the shit is already piling. She asks, "Why aren't other people as kind as the characters in the series we watched?" Good question, ma'am. Our lives are not fictional, and we face the horrors daily. It's the dad saying, "We can't force other people, honey. It's down to us whether we're as kind to our son as those in the series." I see they learned Uncle Tong's lesson. Now go stand beside your son.

Not Tinn whispering the name order thing to Gun and Gun immediately asserting that his name is first!!

Having adults you trust being casually homophobic is so damaging.

Gemini has a fantastic eye roll. We saw it on episode 5 of Moonlight Chicken, too.

KAJORN!!!! COME THROUGH, BABY BOY! HIT AGAIN! HIT HIM FOR ME, TOO!!

What did I say?? Don't you ever lay hands on someone else's child! I SEE YOU, POTJANEE! YOU ARE INVITED TO BRUNCH!!

And this is how you make it right with your son. You show him he can trust you by standing in front of those who would make him feel lesser.

Okay, I like the outfits Chinzhilla picked!

They're playing You Got Ma Back. 😭 I love them so much.

Now they're doing Come Closer! I do love Ford's voice.

Oh I love Rock & Star as a song from Gun to Tinn.

I love getting Tinn back on stage again.

POTJANEE!!!!

I'm gonna need Gun to stop looking at Tinn's lips!

I'm so glad Gun got into a program he wanted. I can't take any more losses for this boy.

And here I was living in a world without Texas Chicken ads.

Oh, Sound and Win. I'm going to miss your dynamic. Look at Winny and Satang giving two solid kisses.

Poor Phat. Yo dropped him so fast.

Tinn and Gun are so cheesy. I love them.

Not me crying over Chinzhilla again!

I like the notes for their juniors and not showing any actors. It would lead to the wrong kind of speculation, and this lets GMMTV pick up this setting again any way they want.

Not @respectthepetty getting into my head about Gun's blue socks and Tinn's red shirt when he formally meets Tinn's parents.

I love Tinn's dad. He's embarrassing in only the way a loving father could be. He's also constantly rooting for Tinn.

We get 'eating' jokes and a sweet kiss in bed to close out the series. I'm good.

And they verse? We love to see it.

Wow. Just amazing. I loved this show.

Final Verdict: 10, Highly Recommended. I've been in queer media since I was a teen almost 20 years ago. I have experienced a lot of wins and losses as a viewer of BL. In so many ways this show healed any gripes I had with early productions like Lovesick, Make It Right, etc. This show is damn-near perfect. It's so heartwarming. I loved all of this. It's a show about a bunch of losers trying to help each other, and there's nothing more beautiful than that. We now have my new default recommendation for people curious about BL after coming off something sweet in the West.

[pacific-rimbaud]

Thank you SO MUCH for your panville works. I find it therapeutic to read the caring and deeply loving dynamic you embed in them. Also love how you deal with Pansy's background and trauma. While she is by no means unprivileged, I think her wounds resonate deeply with anyone for whom parental love was unstable in childhood. Your writing inspires me so much. I hope you know the positive impact you have on fellow internet strangers. Fr I've reread a dress with pockets more times I care to admit and RoT is on its 3rd re read because it helps me deal with shitty days.

I have two questions regarding your own visualization of the characters in RoT that may fall out of the scope of the actual story (I imagine you might not delve into these too much even if you do have an idea of them in your head)

1. Do you imagine Pansy's mother's own trauma too, when you write? Like what are the wounds that made her such a cold/unloving parent to Pansy?

Ive been thinking of it as being classic objectification of pureblood women for future marriage. Like Pansy's mother never wanted to have a child but was forced to because she's a woman and that's her duty. Would you agree with this or is she a much more sinister character?

2. In what concrete ways would you say Pansy's strengths complemented Neville's weaknesses when they began dating? We see their relationship in a super specific context where they are in their late 20s but Pansy's growth got somewhat reverted to her teenage/younger years (so it makes complete sense we see her mostly being taken care of by Neville!!). But I ask because Harry's witty response to Pansy regarding Neville "deserving what he wants" made me feel a bit sad.

Like I get that Neville's a lot more emotionally sound than she is, but I guess it made me think about whether Pansy's life is "earned" beyond her trying to be better just for Neville's sake.

I imagine her fierce protectiveness of those she loves and her ability to set boundaries without taking people's shit must have been very attractive to a younger Neville?

Sorry if this question is too obvious. I think it hits close. I relate with Pansy's trauma and waking up one day as Neville's wife would indeed feel like heaven (thank you again Harry!). But I could not imagine being able to correspond to a love like that in ways that society traditionally categorizes as love.

Much love. Thank you again for sharing your beautiful brain with us xx

Thank you so much for reading! Truly so appreciative that anyone takes the time to follow a novel-length rare pair fic.

Answers under the cut!

Pansy's mother did not want kids. Full stop. Her father was indifferent to the idea, but definitely didn't want to marry Pansy's mother. My headcanon is that Pansy's mother had an ill-advised fling with Pansy's entitled rake of a father as a young woman, became pregnant, and was compelled to enter into a miserable, lonely marriage and raise a child she had absolutely no affection for. Pansy's father was interested when he chose to be, which wasn't often. Nonexistent or unreliable attachment all around. And so it's clear, this characterization isn't an excuse or attempted explanation for Pansy's cruelty as a child. I've known many casually cruel children over the years. It's not at all unusual. Heartbreaking and yet garden variety example: a few socioeconomically privileged kids in my son's class recently approached another group of children, some of whom have serious challenges at home, and told them that their mothers didn't love them as much as their mothers. Kids can be mind-bogglingly vicious people, even with the "right" parenting. They're kids! Their brains aren't fully cooked yet. Moving the empathy needle and fostering healthy culture in a school requires skillful adult intervention, which obviously was not happening at Hogwarts. Pansy's upbringing in this story is an explanation for why she struggles to be vulnerable, why she's so deeply haunted by a history of feeling unlovable, and why the prospect of motherhood in general and an unplanned pregnancy in particular carries a special horror for her. Basically what makes your second question a little tricky to answer....

...because she's such an unreliable witness to her own life in this. I love fanon Pansy more than anything. She's abrasive, sometimes filterless, terrifyingly perceptive, doesn't suffer fools. Which I just love so much. She's someone who cannot be other than herself, and that self is often pretty spiky. But if someone can get inside, she's also unrestrained in her tenderness. Once Pansy is on your side, you're ride or die. She'd do anything for you. Definitely would help you bury a body. And what I deeply love about Panville is that Neville gets to go further: he gets the innermost parts of her, which truly are so, so sweet and open and loving. She's an incredible partner. Neville has it made and knows it. And to try to answer your question, I don't tend to think about what they bring to the table, or whether anyone "deserves" anything, which is the error Pansy keeps making. I see them very much in the vein of, "I was in the middle before I knew I that I had begun." They're the catching feelings pair, whether it's friends to lovers or casual hook up to something more, because absolutely no way does she ever go into anything at all intending to be vulnerable. But he has the intuition of someone used to paying attention from the sidelines. He's curious. There's something there. He doesn't know what it is, but he'd like to. With enough patience, she unfurls. It's about the power of attentiveness and the inexplicable magic of deep connection. The payoff for Neville risking getting close enough to Pansy to peek inside is a spiky little wife who can't get enough of him in bed, has a full life of her own with passions and interests and relationships and is also deeply invested in their domestic happiness. She is profoundly, unswervingly in his corner. She sees and knows him. The payoff for Pansy risking her heart is this beautiful, kind, loyal man who adores her and whose sensibilities and preferences perfectly align with her own practical nature. He also happens to make great scones. Neither of them grew up understanding what they have was even possible, and I hope it's clear in the story that they both deserve every minute of it. 💜

[forestshadow-wolf]

I.S.B.T.P.K.F.T.S moments (chapter 1)

all the parts of the Ao3 fic "I should be the poster kid for that shit" written by @tavtarnish that I absolutely love

Chapter 1 chapter 2

Soap having a single mother and several sisters.

~ the image of this is /so/ clear to me. like there is no other alternative, he simply just give off 'raised by women' vibes, which leads into the next item

Soap learning to do things for his siblings in order to relieve his mother of some of her responsibilities.

~ there's not really much to say about this other than the fact that he ABSOLUTELY would

the public version of him being a complete foil to the home version of himself.

~ of course he would be different. everybody needs a relief from all the stress of responsibilities. especially with him being at such a young age (the average person's brain doesn't fully develop until the age of 25 years old)

the /explicit/ statement that he loves his sisters

~ this may be a weird tidbit for me to like so much but I do

that chest feeling that he feels when he can't lighten the mood or if he was responsible for bringing the mood down

~ i've been here before. many many times. it hurts but you can't quite figure out why so you just ignore it. because how could you fix it or even explain it if you don't even know what it is other than it makes you feel bad

the way he can't stop thinking about /that/ conversation. the one that brought on the bad feeling

~ if he can't determine what that feeling is then maybe he can at least pinpoint when that feeling came on

the way he believes that he deserves the hurt that he's experiencing

~ because that's what RSD does. it makes you seek approval and then punishes you when/if you don't find or receive it. it often goes hand in hand with self-esteem issues

believing he should have known to back off even if he wasn't told to directly

~ he's thinking back on the interaction and now has time to analyze it. this is where we see the self-esteem issues arise. arguably both this and the one above are, but I chose this part in particular because of the "should have". he should have done this, should have seen that, should, should, should.

ghost lashing out at him

~ gah! THIS was the trigger. it's so just /there/ and idk if it's so obvious to me b/c i've been in situations like this or if it's obvious to everybody. but it really is like a slap in the face for me, it made /me/ feel a phantom tightness in my chest.

the way he immediately shuts the hell up, and then blurts out an accusation

~ its what I would have done. it's a defensive response of self-preservation. action-reaction. attack-defense-counter attack. this is probably where I realized that i'd 100% be projecting onto this man

Soap pushing Ghost to yell at him. to tell him what he did wrong even if he knows he shouldn't

~ because that's better than being stuck in his head. hell /anything/ is better than being aimlessly stuck in his head, not knowing what exactly what it was that he'd done wrong. if ghost tells him then at least he knows what to beat himself up about. at least he can then work on fixing his flaw(s)

him regretting pushing ghost so far when he doesn't start yelling, but instead starts spitting facts

~ it's horrible when the anger isn't harsh and harmful and sharp, but is instead soft and too calm and almost caring. because when it cuts it's distracting, it gives something to focus on. but when it's soft and caressing you notice everything, it's too much and not enough all at once.

the moment of realization and how he defends himself

~ it's the /oh/ moment but instead of 'im in love' its 'i can't fix this/my poor action has affected someone else'. and he defends himself in the moment but I know in my soul that he definitely did not believe his own words

the jab sent his way and the moment before that

~ the situation that he tried to control in a desperate of self-preservation so he didn't destroy himself later. the way he can feel that control slipping away when ghost doesn't correct his speech. and how he completely loses his grip with that final jab at him

the way he tries to hide the way his stomach drops and tries to deny his need for medical attention

~ of course he would try to hide it. he formed his entire personality to be the one guy that is never bothered by anything, to be the happy guy, the guy that makes everybody happy. if he can't do that then how could he even deserve to be checked out at medical.

ghost's attempt at a joke as he's leaving which only serves to hurt soap more

~ he new that it was a joke. or course he did, he knew the ghost well enough to know that it was supposed to be a joke. and yet it only served to hurt him more on that day.

being wide awake that night, and being too comfortable

~ the way he's wide awake even through he knows he has to get up in a few hours, because he can't stop thinking. the way he moves to the floor bc the bed it too comfortable. it's too nice, he doesn't deserve it. he fucked up and so should be punished. the feeling is so so real to me, and i've been in this exact situation many times before.

his tired mother blowing up at him after a long day. and how it feels the same with his current situation with ghost

~ my mom also had and does blow up at me after a long day of work (especially bc the people at her job are shitty... y'all didn't need to know that) Soap obviously doesn't blame his mother. it's not her fault she had a bad day and that he was being annoying. it's not her fault that she needed an outlet and he just so happened to be annoying enough to be that source. and of course ghost yelled at him. he was being annoying AND he almost ruined the mission. ghost had every reason to be angry at him. that didn't mean it hurt any less tho.

the way he wished that he was being punished for doing something so incredibly terrible that they'd really hurt him

~ it feels wrong to be feeling the way he does for what had happened. it was an over reaction. maybe if he had done something truly terrible it would make sense why it felt like everybody despised him. but he hadn't which means the everybody hates him for him, not for something he did... and how could he fix that. changing his cations was easy, it just took a little extra thought... but to change /himself/? he doesn't even know how he'd go about doing that. where would he start? how would he know when it was enough? what if it was never enough?

needing to feel some sort of stimulation (specifically pain) which he dies himself which sends him into a dissociative state

~ i know the feeling. i constantly find my hair everywhere from doing just this. it's grounding, being able to feel something gives you something to focus on in the moment.

the way he tries to find a reason for not being kicked out of the 141, and how his thoughts migrate from one topic to another

~ this circles back to the self-esteem issues; he feels that the only thing keeping him in the task force is what he can do for the others, rather than himself. his thoughts kinda going from this to ghost to his feelings for the man. you can see the path or his thoughts, the problem is keeping a hold of those thoughts.

him wanting to wreak himself so he could rebuild in his own image, and how he desperately tries to find any sort of connection so he wasn't alone in his feelings

~ he feels that his current self is inadequate. too flawed. too much for others. not worthy of anything. and he want's to feel justified in his feelings, to not be alone in that feeling. he knows ghost hides simon, but he also knows that ghost doesn't seek to 'fix' himself the way he does.

Soap self-soothing himself

~ to me this shows that (like me) he feels like he is acting/feeling this way fro attention. even though there is nobody around to witness his breakdown, and the fact that he actively tried to hide his crumbling state

the way he accept his shortcomings, but in the way that it still hurts him

~ like I mentioned before he cannot change himself. not at his core. but he CAN change his actions. and if everything about himself meant that he was a terrible person, and that when he died it would be clear as day for everyone to see. well then maybe if he built a facade of good actions , just maybe that would lessen the blow of the terribleness that is himself. and GOD is he determined not to fuck it up. because he can't fuck it up because if he does then he is well and truly fucked. and not only that, if he messes up then it affects the people around him as well, and that would make his badness multiply tenfold.

this was supposed to be both chapter 1 and 2 but apparently I like to talk lol. I'll link the next chapter at the top when i finish it.

Tav, let me know if you want me to tag you in the next part

[bamboozled-distress]

It's me, hi, I'm the problem (it's me)

Summary: based on @/idiotinacostume's tiktok, sirius promises James a date with lily and when she refuses he improvises and.. chaos ensues

Read it on ao3 !

warnings: swearing, polyjuice potion, wolfstar not being a thing, yet anyway, you'll see, oh also this is a formal apology to all prongsfoot shippers because well, this is not very pro prongsfoot, james being helplessly in love with lily and me writing this at 2am so this will not be good like at all, also im changing this so that its like that episode of friends where chandler and pheobe go on that date and they try and kiss

"Wait, what?"

Sirius ran his hand through his hair again through pure embarrassment as they stood in the prefects bathroom together with Remus having his arms crossed and Sirius looking at him helplessly partially in love and partially in exasperation. Remus' long fingers clutched the polyjuice potion tightly as he raised his eyebrows not-so patiently waiting for Sirius' response.

"Remember when I had prongs give me breakfast in bed in exchange for me doing him a favour?

"No but sure."

This time Sirius was the one who raised his eyebrows.

"Well if you even cared to pay attention, the favour that I told him I could do was to finally get him a date with Evans."

"Okay now the question I have is why the ever loving fuck you would say that knowing how badly in love with her he is and badly she despises him. Oh and you."

"Not wormtail?"

"No, I actually saw them high fiving earlier it was really weird."

"Circes tit, really?" he breathed out as Sirius put a hand on his hip.

"Yes really, now carry on you twat."

"Alright so, for obvious reasons I could not get her to agree, and as you know quite well a man can not go back on his word."

"You're not a man."

"I am a young man."

"We're 15."

"Fuck you, anyway I promised the poor lad so I've found a loop hole."

"And what would that be?"

Sirius brought out his hands and shook them in a way to show his oh so marvellous 'jazz hands', "me, of course."

"Oh yeah, 'of course' why didn't I think of that."

"Honestly moony, you're clearly not a very bright child."

"Dashing, aren't you."

"Oh moony, you're making me blush, oh stop it you. Anyway, I promised him a date with Lily not a date with the actual Lily so polyjuice will do the trick just fine."

"You're gonna go on a date with prongs," Remus deadpanned as he stared in disbelief.

"Well, you don't have to be so judgemental, am I that unattractive to you?"

Oh if Sirius knew just how attractive Remus truly thought he was, the late nights spent thinking of his star, of the one person he truly knew who he could love with no boundaries, the one person he could never have, because he loved him too much to bring him more pain. The pain he could barely handle himself, he would never bring that onto another no less the person he cared about more than everyone else, if only Remus loved him less than maybe it would stop the ache.

"Yes actually."

Remus is also a pathological liar.

"Will you give me the potion or not?"

Remus handed it over as he rolled his eyes, "when this ends terribly I'll plan the funeral."

"Who's funeral exactly?"

"I'm not sure yet."

"Oh thats not ominous at all," after a beat of silence, "thanks for stealing the potion moons."

"Oh it's fine, it was some poor slytherins."

Sirius snorted, "oh what a fine prefect you make."

"The best."

Sirius sat down on the cold tiles, took an inhale closed his eyes and gripping the potion bottle tightly he tugged it down in one go like a vodka shot. With his other hand he plugged his nose and immediately almost threw up afterwards.

"What the hell! Merlins balls that was disgusting."

Remus chuckled on the side as Sirius' pure misery, then it stopped as he saw the transformation. All he could hear were moans and groans from the other lads end but on Remus side he saw the literal transformation of his best friend turning into a woman.

"I, oh my god, are you okay?"

"What the fuck! No I'm not okay, holy shit, I sound like--"

"Lily," they both said in unison, at an instant Sirius dashed towards the mirrors and let out a gasp.

Sirius started feeling up his sides, his arms and forearms and had the biggest grin on his face that looked quite odd on Lily's face in Remus' opinion. He kept looking down and up which was a little disturbing to Remus for some reason.

Sirius stepped back and looked at Remus as he let out a laugh in disbelief as he can't believe what he's about to say, "I, I've got a chicks body, bloody hell moony!"

Remus laughed too and just put a hand on his head cracking up right with him not even being able to think of a sly comeback.

"Shit mate, yeah pads oh my god you look and fucking sound like Lily."

"Oh yeah I do," Sirius stared at him with his classic Sirius black grin, although on a different body Remus could recognize that anywhere.

"Okay okay, will you stop objectifying Lily now," Remus tried to say that with an annoyed tone but he couldn't help the smile in his voice and Sirius could get drunk off of that tone of his voice.

"Oh yes sir prefect, yes I will."

Remus with a wide grin went to look at his watch and went wide eyed, "shit look at the time pads."

Sirius not worried about anything rolled his eyes, "oh but I think you mean Lily."

But then he did look at the time, and rushed out knowing he had to meet James in two minutes, he went to the dorms, quickly put on the girls uniform he had since Marlene lent him hers when he protested against the dress code.

He really did adore that skirt, he loved how it looked on his-, oh he had to run now if he's going to make it to James without being late. He loudly shout 'wish me luck' to Remus and ran past a confused looking Peter, who Remus was very excited to tell about this entire disaster of a situation.

*****

James was waiting patiently at the great hall with a rose in his hand, getting his hopes up every time someone would walk in, he didn't put too much effort into his outfit as he wasn't sure if Sirius would actually manage to get a date with the Lily Evans.

Before he could think of anything else, his heart stopped as he saw a out of breath and yet unmistakingly beautiful Lily Evans walk through the door and as she met his eyes, her magnificent green apple orbs meeting his own, he swooned a little as she rushed her way over.

"Oh my god p-James, I'm so sorry if you've been waiting here for long, I got caught up with Remus and it was this whole thing really."

James smiled fondly at her or well at him, at the rambling and just took her hand and sat her down.

"Oh it's fine really, but are you okay?" He looked all over her, his body rubbing her arms and kneeled down beside her.

"Oh god Lily! How hard did you hurt yourself?"

"What? Are you mad-"

James touched Lily, Sirius' forehead and gasped, "oh god, you've had a terrible fall!"

Sirius, ever confused rubbed his sides self consciously, "no, what? I mean I don't think-, what are you on about?"

Then Sirius got it all too late when he saw the sly smile on James' face, "I could've sworn you fell straight out of heaven," and without missing a beat James had his rose in front of Lily/Sirius and with a wink he added, "angel."

"Oh you twat, you calling me Satan?" Sirius was caught off guard by the pure flirting and knew he had to put himself together and with a small smile he cupped James' hand with the rose and with his other he cupped James' cheek, "or did you want to catch me?"

He watched as James simply tripped on pure air and fall in front of him, and Sirius trying to hold back a laugh raised an eyebrow and to this James brought himself up to his feet and replied, "I was not expecting that."

"What? Weren't expecting to get this far?"

"No. not really if I'm being honest."

"Well, that explains the blushing, your entire face is a cute red, and," Sirius decided to lean in a bit closer, "I bet the rest of you is as well."

Sirius had to stop himself from laughing but oh my god, he wanted to frame this moment. He, Sirius Orion Black has made James more flustered than he thought would even be possible.

"Quite the ladies man you are miss Evans, do you talk to all your dates like this or am I just this special."

"Oh Jamie, you don't know how special you are."

"Oh Evans, if I could rearrange the entire alphabet I would put U and I together."

Sirius let out an unattractive snort, "okay champ."

James let his arm out to reach, "shall we?"

"We shall."

Sirius looked over at James because he was taking deeper inhales then a normal person should and when he asked as to why the only response was, "oh you just took my breath away, if I need CPR I'll let you know."

"How about I steal it again Jamie."

Sirius smirked and James eyed him before shaking his head, "thats for later my love."

"Anything else you're saving for later?"

At this James simply winked at him obnoxiously but narrowed his eyes at him slightly which made Sirius all the more nervous.

"You sure are acting different Lily."

Sirius is now positive James knows that it's him.

"Don't worry handsome, I still think you're a twat."

James knows it's Sirius.

"Oh lovely, let's go to the common room so I can serenade you there." James needed to ask someone about what the hell is going on because he knows thats Sirius and not Lily, and he needs Sirius to tell him, but luck is on his side because Sirius doesn't know that he knows.

"Oh yes, lets. I would love nothing more than for you to serenade me with your beautiful singing voice."

As they walked to the common room arm in arm, Sirius was sweating the entirety there because christ James knows and he is positive that he knows.

"Oh um, James? I need to use the restroom really quickly, I'll be right back."

James waved her off saying have fun as he ran to Peter needing someone to talk to about this.

He hit Peters arm repeatedly as he was repeating his name as well, he was as frantic as ever and just about shook his arms as well, "peter what the fuck do I do mate?"

Peter looked at him questioningly, "what do you need to do?"

James blurted out, "I'm on a date with padfoot!"

"Oh, well I support you mate, terrible choice in men but I'm glad you've moved on from Evans!"

This time James hit Peters arm again but much more harder than before, "no! I'm on a date with Lily but it's not Lily, it's pads but he doesn't know that I know."

"Oh. Because he said he'd get you a date with her?"

"YES!"

"Oh and he took some.. oh I see now. Well shit mate, you're in quite a pickle now."

"Yeah no shit wormtail."

"Well, work with that; he doesn't know that you know so flirt with him make him uncomfortable and then he'll have to confess."

"Easier said than done mate, but.. thats not a bad idea."

"He has no idea so it couldn't possibly go wrong."

"Oh yeah on a date with my best friend pretending to be the love of my life and I have to be romantic with him in order for him to tell me he's not the love of my life, what could ever possibly go wrong!"

Peter stood up, "just here-- let me do this," he unopened the first few buttons to James' shirt and ruffled up his more so then usual, "that should help."

James looked down and simply shrugged and went back to the common room where Lily-- no Sirius, looked frazzled but with intent on his face.

Although, when Sirius ran to the restroom previously James has no idea he grabbed Remus hand and dragged him there with his face looking pale and wide eyed.

"Okay what now," Remus asked with an exasperated sigh.

"I was not prepared for these terrible conditions I've put myself in."

Remus smiled widely, quite mockingly Sirius would like to add, and clasped his hands together, "oh goody. Now what made you have this absolutely absurd observation that I totally did not see forthcoming?"

"I didn't know he was going to flirt with me!"

"On a date? With the girl of his dreams? Oh how dare he flirt, oh gosh. Wow."

"Shut up okay? I need you to shut the fuck up."

"Wait so, what did you do?"

"Flirted back obviously! It's my instinct from when we compliment each others asses, how could I not? But it's more sincere, and just straight up fucking weird."

"Oh, I see the problem, prongs knows."

"Do you know how hard it is for me not to call him prongs! I haven't called him his actual name this many times since the day we first met-- and that was simply out of spite to annoy him."

"Oh what a lovely child you were."

"I'm lovely now too."

"Oh, of course you are Lily."

"I don't want to confess to him that I couldn't get Lily though, I can't give up moonshine."

"But he knows."

"Yeah but, I don't want to lose."

Remus wanted to facepalm, of fucking course Sirius turned this into something it's not, making sure he doesn't face the true error of his ways and instead turning this into something he can fuck around with.

Nothing to unpack there. Nope, not at all.

"Okay fine, so what? You're just going to go on with the date? Pretend nothing is going on and you'll just flirt back?"

"Well yeah, I just need to get through this date before he calls it off and then I'll keep my end of the deal."

"You really are in a fucking mess."

"As per usual."

"Well, you have luck on your side I guess, because he knows that you're not Lily and you know that he knows. However, he doesn't know that you know that he knows."

Sirius turned his head to the side in confusion and Remus wanted to kiss him so badly so he flicked him on the forehead instead.

"He doesn't know what you know, you have the upper hand you imbecile."

"So what?"

"You two are best mates, he doesn't want to romantically be with you, so do what you do best and make people uncomfortable."

"I can do that."

"I know you can."

"Oh, I know you do," at this Sirius winked at Remus.

"Perfect example mutt."

With Sirius flipping him off, he untied his hair and let it roam around as he walked back or more so strutted back knowing his mission at hand.

Which lead him to this moment of Sirius slightly frazzled not knowing how to accomplish his mission at hand but at least having a mission at hand. James then slipped himself right beside Sirius and putting an arm around his shoulder, "you look magnificent Evans."

"You're not too bad yourself."

"No but, you're almost too good to be true, almost as if someones playing a trick on me and it's not really you."

Sirius stared back, his face going white and his eyes going wide and he had no idea how to reply. He knew James knew but he didn't know he was going to make comments like that, it caught him off guard he ran a hand through his hair.

"Well you know I'm completely real and I can assure you if someone was playing a trick on you it would only be from the pure goodness from their heart."

James narrowed his eyes and gulped, "well if it was from the goodness of their heart, they should know it's not a very well thought out trick, sweetheart."

"I think it would be very well thought out, having tricked you to believe it really is Li- me, deer." James knew from the little sneer on Sirius' or well Lily's pale face that he was not calling him a term of endearment but calling him his animagus which James did do a double take and looking back at Sirius he knew the reaction was exactly what he wanted.

James grabbed his shoulder and stood up with mischief in his eyes which for once Sirius slightly feared, "hey someone's playing some music in the corner, let's dance Evans."

Sirius stared back but kept his composure normal, "dance?"

"Well we are on a date after all."

James let out his hand and Sirius took it gracefully, not ready to slow dance with James at all, "oh such a gentlemen."

"My pleasure milady."

Sirius inhaled and let James bring him to a corner of the common room that was unoccupied and allowed himself to put his arms around James shoulders. He was silently cursing out Lily in his head for being so fucking short. All the while James was sweating because he didn't know how to fucking dance and he knew Sirius knew.

"Need a hand, deer?"

"No."

Sirius grinned and looked at the taller lad, "put your hand on my sides you nitwit and just sway."

James closed his eyes and let out a small smile as he let his hands a little lower than what was probably appropriate for two laddy lads doing lad things.

"James Fleamont Potter, I swear to fucking god you put your hands higher or I'll winguardiam leviosa your ass so hard you'll end up on the fucking moon."

"I mean I do love you to the moon and back."

"So are those your last words then?"

James only smiled wider when he put his hands on his sides much higher than it was before.

"You sure know how to dance."

"Well I've had classes and it sure does come in handy when I get to teach pretty boys like yourself Mr. Potter."

"You think I'm pretty?" James smirked a bit.

"The prettiest."

James took his hand off of Sirius' side to flick his hand as he gasped dramatically, "oh, you flatter me."

"Oh when I'm done with you, you'll be better than flattered," Sirius let out a flirty smile hoping to the lords above that James would give up right now and tell him he knows.

"So naughty."

Sirius took an inhale as he gulped knowing where their dancing would lead to on a normal date.

James thought the same thing and almost at the same time they both had an idea where they knew the other would confess, not knowing they both had the same idea.

James gulped as he spoke, "you know this is where, we would usually get to the uh, kissing part."

Sirius froze up hoping he could have brought it up first, "oh I would love to Jamie."

Sirius would not love to kiss him, considering this would be his first kiss.

"Then we should, yes."

James desperately knew they should not. No.

James knew Sirius would give in, because he knew Sirius knew. And Sirius doesn't know he knows that he knows that he knows.

Right?

James could go through with this until Sirius gives up, he could do this, can't he?

Sirius on the other hand knew James would never go through with this, he had this in the bag, he knew James is doing this just to have Sirius give in. He knew James and he knew he would not go through kissing him, he won't chicken out and if it takes him to almost kiss his best mate he would do it.

Sirius black will never lose.

Sirius gulped, "okay let's kiss then?"

James shifted uncomfortably on his feet and licked his lips having his eyed intent on Sirius, begging him to confess first.

"I'm ready mon amour."

Sirius responded dryly, "planning on french kissing me with that terrible accent?"

"You speak french Lily?" James quipped back and seeing that alarmed look on Sirius' face and although those facial features were Lily's the panic was pure Sirius and he inhaled it.

"Er, no but, I'm not an idiot."

James thought that was the most in character thing Sirius has said this entire afternoon.

"Alright, we-- yeah let's do this dream girl."

Sirius closed his eyes and puckered his lip slowly moving forward, to give James time to fucking confess, and to be fair Sirius was getting quite impatient.

James was not giving in, he also leaned forward as slowly as possible closing his eyes tight, hoping and praying for Sirius to give in.

They were leaning forward, lips almost moving off of their faces as Sirius grabbed James shoulders peeking an eye open and saw James doing nothing that looked like confessing.

They wouldn't kiss, they couldn't, Sirius knew James would give in.

Except he didn't.

Sirius' first kiss was James Potter.

James' first kiss was Sirius Black.

Their lips touched and were firmly pressed on each other not one moving to further the kiss, it lasted an entirety of two whole seconds before there was a loud, "fine, you win!"

"I'm not Lily you twat, you mother fucker, you absolute bastard."

James was still puckering his lips when he opened his eyes and finally fucking smiled.

Instead of a response he clapped, "congratulations Sirius Orion Black, you were my first kiss."

"You stole mine you twat!"

"What?! You were the one who leaned in first!"

"You were the one who said we should, when you knew! I thought you'd give in!"

"Well thank you for confessing your sin pads."

Then they heard clapping and both Sirius and James turned around to find Peter and Remus clapping and James raised his eyebrows, "great show you both, truly. Glad you both finally had your first kiss."

Sirius at this bowed to both at them, "and yet no girlfriend."

James plopped himself next to Remus and laid his head down in his lap after the truly traumatic experience that was his first date. Although Remus paid no attention to him and kept his eyes on Sirius.

"Just a girlfriend?"

Sirius exhaled with a shaky breath, "or a boyfriend."

"Good to know," Remus smirked.

Oh Sirius was really doomed.

[pixelkip]

Ok serious post time. I don't like making posts like this but it's kind of a few months coming.

Hey guys so. I might start posting most of my hazy stuff exclusively to tumblr as much as I hate to say it. This isn't for sure that I'm never interacting there again but. Probably not touching it mostly

Just 1 or 2 people in the discord community I feel like. Mega fucking uncomfortable around for stuff that, while it's been mostly resolved I guess, still was super upsetting at the time and has caused me a lot of anxiety seeing them around again to the point of it being a serious detriment to my mental health.

Especially cause hazy river is still kind of a big hyperfixation to me and has honestly affected me so much. I'm deeply attached to it and that's not changing. That discord community too has been a huge part of my life for over a year now and I wish I didn't feel like I had to stop interacting with it for the sake of my own health, but it's becoming increasingly obvious that I do.

The thing is I don't WANT to care that someone who makes me uncomfortable is back in a space I'm in. I'd rather just accept it and ignore it and continue interacting there as normal. That's what I've been telling myself is the mature thing to do and its what ive been trying to do for a while. But my anxiety doesn't seem to agree on that front. Not just in a "ew I don't like them" way but in a causing me actual panic attacks way.

I'm very open to anyone asking what this is about and why i feel like this, I'd be glad to tell you IN TUMBLR/DISCORD DMS NOT PUBLICLY, but I wanna say a few things first

-youre free to do with this information what you wish, but I take no responsibility for anything YOU do with what I tell you.

- preferably don't start drama PLEASE. If you know who im talking about or if you even think you know, don't. Start. shit. Even if you ask me and I tell you. Don't. Start. Shit.

- UNLESS you have a good reason like theyre actively doing something shitty, don't put anyone this is about/might be about on blast publicly. I would prefer people truly learn from their mistakes. And if that somehow does happen, idfk take it up with that community's mods

- I'm not shaming anyone who is friends with or interacts with anyone I'm referring to. As long as you don't cross my boundaries, and you dont encourage/defend what they did if I tell you, and you dont try to let them contact me, or generally try to get them involved with me I don't care.

- don't contact anyone else that might be involved about it either. I might be ok telling people how I feel about this but others might not. I don't wanna be the reason anyone gets pestered over something shitty that happened to them.

- if you are reading this on my tumblr dot com, I assure you it's almost definitely not you I'm talking about whose the reason I'm making this decision.

Ok finally here's the part where I'm gonna be pretty blunt:

If you do contact me cause you wanna know why I feel this way, I apologize in advance if it makes you uncomfortable around someone you may have interacted with. Cause if you ask, I'm telling you. No sugar coating, no "but it's ok" for any reason. Me still not fully having healed over what happened doesnt mean i wish anyone involved any ill will. But I'm not gonna pretend I wanna be amicable or friendly with or even forgive who did this either. Wanting to move on =/= forgiving. If you insist on defending what they did while I'm actively telling you why it hurt me, that's just rude. And I will probably block you.

Block button is at the ready and I claim 0 responsibility for hurt feelings or possibly viewing ur mutual differently as a result.

TLDR: I'm probably fucking off from most of hazy discord bc I'm deeply uncomfy around someone who came back there some time ago, feel free to dm me and ask about it cause telling people why honestly makes me feel less alone about it, but please please don't start drama and don't think I'm responsible for anything that happens as a result of me telling you what someone did that caused me a lot of pain.

Sorry for the long serious post, I'm hoping to be able to do more fun stuff in the future.

In the wise words of the queen ass 2 over herself, thank you (for listening) and I love you.

[squarebracketsmileyface]

You should really watch Heathers, I think you would enjoy it. 👀

But also you should listen to Paranoia by Nathan Wagner. Its a really long song(like seven minutes), but you’ve gotta listen to it all the way through cause even though it sounds like it ends at one point it doesn’t.

The point is, that song is SO Alex coded, it was the first song I thought of when I read the Promise fic you wrote from his pov. Its so angsty and deliciously sad and there’s just so many good lyrics in it- I highly recommend giving it a listen. 👀

Honestly, from what I've heard about Heathers it sounds so good. Pretty sure i got introduced to it through a fuckin killing stalking cosplay mv fucking YEARS ago💀💀 sorry, anyway, it's been something I've been meaning to watch for a while lol.

Oooooooooo okay i haven't heard of that song before, i do love long songs tho, they're so cool to me

god this got long, but also, the song's 7 minutes 40 long, so yeah what was I expecting

Okay but like, "Instincts, waging war inside, They hold me up so tight, Fear, freezes me to ice, I'm locked up in my mind" is SO Alex struggling with the whole Operator thing. Like, he's terrified of the thing, that much is pretty obvious from his scribbles and stuff like that, and him wanting to stop the operator from being able to spread, so his instincts are telling him to run away and stuff like that, but he knows he can't because if he does the operator will just infect more people. He's terrified and fighting against his own instincts to run the fuck away, but he also knows that realistically there's no way he'd actually be able to escape the operator if it didn't want him to. he's stuck with it until he dies, and he can't die yet or it'll win.

also "Mind, it wavers back and forth, Paranoid, so calm and sure" is so right for Alex, because the only thing he knows for sure is what his fear and paranoia tell him. The only thing he knows for sure is he'll never be able to escape the Operator unless he dies, and that he can't die until he's saved everyone else from it.

"See everything that could go wrong, It clings to me from dusk to dawn, To isolate's the only way" chapter twooooooooo of Sorry, It's Locked. Alex realising just how badly it could go if Jay keeps investigating what's going on, so he purposefully tries to push him away and make him hate him. Because he genuinely does care about Jay and he doesn't want him to meet the same fate that Amy did, so he has to push him away so that he leaves Alex to deal with everything on his own.

"I'm locked up in my mind, Locked up in my mind, Locked up in my- Won't you let me go? Just let me go, I can't take much more," ehehehehehehhehehehe Alex in entry 80 and beyond, after killing Jay >:] cos i still really wanna write a fic about how entry 80 would go in this au (au?). like, Alex would STRUGGLE after killing Jay, he really would. He spent so much energy trying to keep Jay out of all this, only to find that it didn't work and "oh holy shit I've killed Jay, he's bleeding out in my arms, oh my god oh my god I'm so sorry. It was all I could do. I tried to save you, I tried to find another way out for you but you're too fucking stubborn and now you've forced my hand and you're going to die"

and after that he doesn't really care anymore. He goes after Tim because it's the right thing to do, but his heart's not really in it. Losing Amy was a massive blow, but it stoked the fire and made Alex want to fight harder to save Jay in a way that wouldn't require his death. Losing Jay despite all that strips the fire right back out of him again, he tried, and he failed. And then he gets that whole speech from Tim about how he's lived with this all his life, and he managed to get better, he managed to find another way to control it, and that just sets Alex spiralling. Because if tim could live with this and he couldn't, what does that say about him?

How weak he must be

How he just didn't try hard enough

How Jay clearly hadn't needed to die if only Alex had figured out how to live with this like Tim did.

How Alex doesn't deserve to live when he's failed so spectacularly, when there WAS a way to save people without killing them

And then that sends Alex to Tim, begging him for help, begging him to kill him because he's tried to do it himself but he just can't. The Operator won't let him go, it just brings him back, or heals his injuries, or stops him from making them or whatever. And Tim doesn't want to kill him, of course he doesn't, but... would it be kinder to? And if it would be kinder, does he want to afford Alex that kindness? (the answer is yes, yes he does and he doesn't care about the consequences because he can see how badly hurting Alex is).

Alex wouldn't want kindness tho, he'd want to die as painfully as possible because that's what he thinks he deserves, and that's why he goes to Tim. he knows Tim loved Jay, so surely tim will be angry enough at Alex to kill him painfully. And Tim is angry, but he also understands Alex, because he's had the Operator in his head too and he knows what it's like and he knows alex thought he didn't have any other choice. So Alex doesn't get the cruel, torturous death he wants, and that's almost worse.

Sorry, back to the lyrics lmao

"Don't know if i'm awake or asleep," Okay, so you know how alex doesn't have a masked counterpart, like tim with masky? I feel like for Alex (and brian honestly) it feels a lot like living in a dream. Not a nice one or anyhting, but that kind of intangible and weird sensation where nothing quite seems real. Alex spends his days feeling like at any moment his hand might phase straight through something when he tries to pick it up, he doesn't quite feel real. and obviously the Operator makes that worse by teleporting him around and making him ill and all that, clouding up his head even more with static and fear. his own thoughts and understanding of what's actually happening are burried by the thoughts that the Operator is just slightly manipulating to get what it wants. They're still Alex's thoughts, but they've been nudged just slightly to the right, and the longer they persist the further they veer from the straight line he'd been walking along before the Operator 'got him'

"please save me from myself," yeah. yeah. pretty self explanatory, yeah. Alex can't save himself, he has to beg tim to do it for him, he can't kill himself to escape, the Operator wont let him, so he has to beg tim to do it.

And i do intend for Alex to have to BEG for it.

"you're not real, you've never been real" honestly feels like how Alex would have felt back in university when the Operator first properly showed up and started tormenting him. Like, I feel like he'd be the kind of person to pull all-nighters to catch up on work/homework/revision or whatever, so to begin with he'd assume it was just a hallucination from lack of sleep, and it'd, y'know, kinda give him a kick up the backside to get him to fix his sleep schedule. and then he does that and he's perfectly well rested (or as well rested as he can be) and this 'hallucination' doesn't go away. it's still there and he's viscerally terrified of it, but he's desperately trying to convince himself it's not real.

because why would this faceless man in a suit with arms that are too long be real? that's ridiculous.

but then it starts following him around, and he's getting aggitated and angry and scared and everything starts spinning wildly out of control until he's forced to realise that, oh god, maybe this thing is real and maybe he's in actual fucking danger oh god oh god oh god

[rauhallinen-hauki]

replace mad max with ff7 and f//ury r//oad with ff7r, rewrite some of the context on that last post and u get the average og 1997 ff7 fan experience

on a related note...

(im using shepvance as an example because its the one special interest that i get the most shit for. but this applies to a lot of things im into.)

"Why shepvance? why Adrian and not Gordon? Why not ship other ~better ~ more normal ships? what compells you in this, to be frank, borderline-crack ship? or do you just hate everything that isn't weird inocuous niche bullshit? also why do you draw Adrain with hairy forearms and chest and slightly overweight? don't you know that any man that doesn't look like Sephiroth is ugly and therefore boring and why is he with Alyx who is so much hotter again and-"

there is nothing wrong with asking. i'm glad to talk and explain my thoughts and feelings. it just gets irritating when every single time someone sees that I've drawn or written or done anything with this pairing it is alway "why why why why wh-". shepvance isn't even the first rarepair I've been into, but for some reason it just perplexes most people to such an extent that they can't help but get really anal about it.

me liking shepvance doesn't automatically mean that i hate every other pairing involing these characters. even if there are pairings out there that i hate, i do the obvious and just ignore and or filter/block what/those that I don't wish to see. i don't shit on people. wich brings me to the next point...

you can dislike, hate and despise shepvance. you can be neutral on it. you can also like, love and adore it. wichever way it is I don't care. just please, please don't shit on it in the viscinity of fans.

i'm not here to "spread shepvance propaganda" or anything like that. i'm just here to do share my art with the world, throw my things in my little corners of the internet (aka me everytime i post things into my accounts).

i'm here to express myself. im not forcing anyone to like my art or fanfics or shitposts or whatever. even if you happen to like shepvance, that doesnt mean that you automaticaly like my art. i have my own style and takes on these characters, and not everyone is going to like it. and that's great!!! that thing is called having taste! individuality! personal opinions! prefferences! but thats the thing: if you like it, great. if you dont like it, great. just dont bitch and mean into my ear everytime i do a harmless thing you, personally, dont like

if you aren't hurting anyone, then you can do whatever you want. so why is it that people lose their minds the second you happen to be into some niche but, again, nevertheless HARMLESS thing that just so happens to not be as popular or as liked by most people?

anyway im not sure what exactly im trying to say with all this but if you somehow find this post then i guess the tldr is:

-if you aren't hurting anyone, then you can do whatever you want. other people might not like it, and thats fine. but dont let that stop you for doing what makes you happy. again, if you aren't hurting anyone, you should do what makes you happy. life is short as hell anyway, so use your time wisely

-instead of wasting time bitching and moaning about someone being into some harmless thing you dont like, focus on the things you actually like. go write a fanfic of your fave character. go for a walk. there is way too much unessesary hate in this world already. its ok to vent and be angry but going berserk all the time wont get you anywhere in the long run. i know this from experience

-dont go to the circus if you don't want to see clowns, dont come to this blog if you dont like thunderdome, etc

(this isn't directed at anyone in particular. every mm fan i've interacted with so far, f//ury r//oad fan or not, has been polite and friendly. its just a sentiment i've seen a lot lately and i need to write it down. wring down stuff helps a lot ok. and no its not that serious im just tired lmao)

"oh hey. you like mad max?"

me: "yeah, the original trilogy only. it means a lot to me, it is my fave set of films ever."

"so you dont like f//ury r//oad?"

me: "no, i don't. nothing wrong if you do tho."

"why don't you like it?"

me: *politely explains why I, personally, in my own subjective opinion, dont like f//ury r//oad nor am i interested in watching f//uriosa. i watched f//ury r//oad. without biases, went in blind knowing the basics and having seen the original trilogy only once at the time. didn't like f//ury r//oad. just not my taste. simple as that. again, nothing wrong if you like it.

"OMG WHY DO YOU HATE EVERYTHING NEW!!! NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE AMATEUR 80S SHIT, DONT YOU KNOW THAT MILLER HAS GOTTEN SO MUCH BETTER AT MAKING MOVIES??? AND THAT AUTOMATICALLY MEANS THAT THE ORIGINAL MM MOVIES ARE INFERIOR AND SHITTY AND THAT IF YOU LIKE THEM YOU ARE SOME CLOSE-MINDED CONSERVATIVE WITH BAD TASTE (DESPITE F//URY R//OAD NOT EXISTING WITHOUT THE LEGACY OF THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY, ONE THAT IS ARGUABLY THE MOST INFLUENTIAL PIECE OF POST-APO MEDIA IN FILM) UUUUUUUUUUUUGH JUST TAKE OFF YOUR ROSE-TINTED GLASED (DESPITE YOU NOT BEING EVEN BORN AT THE TIME OF RELEASE OF THE ORIGINAL MM TRILOGY AND HAVING WATCHED IT ONLY THREE YEARS AGO AS AN ADULT SO NO "NOSTALGIA" THERE) AND WAAAH WHY DONT YOU LIKE THE THING I LIKE AND-"

me: *long, exhausted sight of pain. i figuratively die of cringe

like why do you give fuck. im not going to shit on you because you like f//ury r//oad. so why would you shit on me simply because I don't like it?

is me not liking f//ury r//oad a crime against humanity or nature or all that is good? no. but you're sure as hell are making it sound like it is.

[crabonfire]

I love you more than I love tom jones

character: scout

warning: none!

Note: this is a confession!!! how he'd react to a confession from you and how he'd confess. I'm gonna do all the other mercenaries, but for now I'm doing them one by one! So look out for the next ones :)

readers confession is short, because it can be whatever you want it to be. So I only made it how he'd react to one, not a specific one. Anyways, I hope you enjoy! xx ♡

♡Scout♡

When he confesses...

• he's a nervous wreck, he makes plans to tell you how he feels, heck the whole team is in on it!

• though, as always, disaster strikes and everything fails.

• after a day of failed attempts, he gives up even when the others tell him to keep going, and goes to hang out on the roof to look at the stars.

• you and him are practically best friends, and you had noticed hes felt down recently. so, with two cans of bonk in your hands, you make your way up to the roof to talk to him.

"Hey man, you good?".

"HAH-OH-fuck ya scared the shit outta me Y/N. Hey, yeah no I'm good. Definitely."

As you sit next to him you hand him a can and he graciously accepts, yet its obvious by his weary smile he's not well.

"Cmon Jer, I can tell your lying. What happened?"

"..."

Silence falls between you two, the crickets deafening to your ears.

Finally, after what felt like forever, he spoke.

"...there's this person I like. And...I've been meanin' to tell em...ya know...I like em. But, everythin' keeps on going wrong," He pauses,

"I just wanna tell em, but they're so clueless about it. It...its hard. Listen, I'm not shy or anythin' but damn! It's difficult."

You listen intently, as he pours his emotions out to you.

"I don't know if I should keep goin' cause...what if they don't like me back like that?"

• He finishes, taking a sip of his can as he stares off into the starry sky. You frown at his uncharacteristic self, he was usually never one to give up so this person must be really special to him. You placed a hand on his shoulder, making him pull all his attention towards you.

"Jeremy, listen to me very carefully. You are such an amazing person, your funny, you care about others even if they don't give you the time of day, your strong, talented, and honestly? Really fucking cute. If that person can't see how much you care about them? Then fuck them, why? Cause there are tons of people out there who love you Jer."

His face is tinted with a soft pink, as he chuckles. "You really think so?"

"I know so Jeremy. I doubt that they don't like you back though, nobody can resist your charm." You tease, making you both laugh.

"Yeah, yeah I guess your right."

• You are met with silence once again, with you now closer to his body. Your arms press against each other, as he goes back to staring into nothingness.

"Hey, Y/N."

"Yeah Scout?"

He looks to you, and you both lock eyes. The way he's staring into you right now makes you feel nervous yet you can't seem to pull away from him.

"I...love you."

His voice, calm and gentle. His expression once sad was now confident, and radiant of positivity. Your body flinched at those words, feeling the heat rise to your cheeks. You are left speechless, you were the one he liked? The clueless person who had left him head over heels?

The realisation hits you like a bus, as your mouth opens to an O shape.

"...Y/N?"

"OH FUCK IM THE CLUELESS ONE?!"

"PFFT-BAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA-"

• as he laughs, you freak out internally. He likes you too??? And...and he's been giving out signs and your DUMBASS HASNT REALISED?? FOR FUCKS SAKE Y/N

• you bury your face in your hands as he goes on, finally stopping to hear a reply.

"So uh...do ya like me too?"

"Fuck...yea...I um. I love you too Jeremy."

His smile widened and became a cheeky grin. He was absolutely brimming with excitement you could practically feel it! He was bright, brighter than the shining sun, god was he so happy.

"Really? You...your not saying that just because right? Right?"

"No Scout, I really do love you too."

"Holy...oh my god? Holy fuck...wait no way..ya like me too?"

"Yes scout."

"Like...like like? Love? All that romantic stuff?"

"Yeah man, I love you."

"Fuck say that again?"

"Pfft...I love you scout."

He jumps and stands tall on the roof, puffing out his chest, "THEY LOVE ME, HEAR THAT SHIT? YEAH, THEY LOVE ME." You burst out laughing at his sudden proclamation. Though he quickly sits back down, clears his throat as if nothing happens and stares at you happily.

"I uh...can I hug you?" He asks, as he twiddles his fingers together.

"Yeah."

He leans in to wrap his arms around you, engulfing your soft scent as his smile widens even more. He's ecstatic he really is, and you don't doubt it.

You two will spend time with each other just being in each others presence for a bit at the rooftop, until he decidedly gets "tired" and goes back to his room just so he can brag about it to everybody else.

They're happy for him, I mean they knew about your crush for him so it would always end up this way, but happy nonetheless. Plus his shouting about "they love me" and whatnot was heard all over Teufort, waking up some of the other teams members.

He will not sleep that night, shuffling in his bed and giggling like a school girl thinking replaying those words in his mind. "I love you, Jeremy."

Will definitely ask you out the next day, no hesitation needed now that he knows you feel the same.

When you confess...

• WHATDIDYOUSAYYYYYYY????

• you...you love him?

• "I er....wow. I didn't know ya felt that way. Fuck, uh..."

• he's...so happy? But incredibly shocked! He never knew you felt the same way he did for you. Without a word, he pulls you into a tight hug, not letting go as if he did his whole world would collapse.

• "shit...I love you too Y/N. fuck that's good to get of my chest."

• you both stay like that for a bit, until he let's go. With a confident expression, he asks

"SO...how about I take ya out to dinner? You, me, fancy restaurant? How does that sound toots?"

His voice cracks slightly, making you giggle.

"I'd love that."

Your soft eyes make his heart tremble, a lovesick smile plastered onto his face. "GREAT! Pick you up at 8 tomorrow...yeah!"

He runs off to brag to his teammates, who is glad he's so happy but you confessing to him gave him a bigger ego boost it needed to.

• when he confesses to you, he feels less nervous. When YOU confess to him? He's so happy it's like he discovered the cure for cancer. The difference is intense.