#its nice that theres so much support for trans women but. why is it only for them

[mukuroom]

ive been discourse posting too much lately so I'll try to stop but i will say it's lowkey painful seeing my country pushing trans rights further and further back only to go online and seeing every post about it exclude trans men

[butchpeace]

is it normal to feel. idk. i guess the best term for it could be survivors guilt??? over what i did and believed when i was trans identified

i had a friend who was a TIM. they were a very nice person and i wish that me, and the GSA group that i was in told them that it was ok to be a shy, feminine male and that there was nothing wrong with him except we now told him he was a girl and now hes completely absorbed in gender ideology and theres no getting him out (and i think he genuinely knows he is not a real woman. he has admitted to being a boy who wants to be a girl and to having AGP. he’s also the only decent TIM i have ever met and has been very supportive of my own desistance so there is probably still hope for him before he ruins his life forever but idk how to start that convo)

i had several friends this year that have all started T. i dont recognize them anymore. i encouraged them. we all did. now theyre completely unrecognizable. one of them changed their pronouns and gender identity THREE TIMES in the course of a few months before going on T. it didnt take her a FULL YEAR of identifying as trans to go on t and just GET hormones. im horrified. but everyone is just telling her how valid she is and how great she looks

my other friend started t at the beginning of this year. theyve completely changed as a person. the light in their eyes is gone. theres nothing left of the person that i knew before but sure buddy tell everyone youre happy when youre obviously fucking miserable. its just your voice deepening and the effects of t that make you look more masculine. i can just see things everyone else cant.

i almost wondered if i was crazy and it was my problem. so i cut them off. i made up something about myself and why i was cutting them off so i didnt have to tell them the truth. i should tell them the truth before its too late but i know i wont. but it was driving me crazy and i couldnt bear to tell them the truth

i want to tell the trans people in my life to wake up before it’s too late. there’s nothing i can do now and theyre all going to destroy themselves. i got myself out but i feel horrible now and theres nothing i can do about it.

but now i just feel like my only solution is to isolate myself from everyone so i dont go mad and i dont hurt anyone. everyone notices this of course and think there is something wrong with me. which there is i guess

everyone tells me its not my problem but i feel like it is my responsibility to warn people before its too late. i was lucky to get out

This is my philosophy regarding my friends who are currently trans identified. Maybe it will help you:

All I can do is gently tell them my story, hope they recognize themselves in it, and be there for them when they need me.

If you're cutting someone, or a group of people, out of your life anyway, you might as well open up to them about what you really think before you do. Worst case scenario you're not friends anymore, but that's already the situation you're in. You already have nothing to lose by talking to them openly.

It's not your obligation, but the truth is it's going to take all of us to fight this and help our sisters come back.

Too many radfems think of trans identified women as lost causes, or bemoan that they're transitioning without actually doing anything to try to help them. If we were all more open and honest about our thoughts and we tried our best to be there for the women in our lives, we would be in a much better situation as a community right now.

I have women I've known for years and who transitioned around when I did, or shortly after. Many of them have expressed that they relate to my story, some have talked about coming off testosterone, some have started identifying differently and some even as women again. Most don't agree with my opinions or radical feminism fully, but the point is that the door is open for them.

On average, I think women are spending less time in transition, and detransitioning sooner, compared to my generation. The tide is turning. These women aren't lost, they just need a little help and sometimes a little time.

It could be good to send them some stories from detransitoners. Maybe youtube videos or just a link to the site Post Trans might be helpful. They need to hear the stories of other women who have transitioned.

Be brave and good luck! 💪

[reaperkaneki]

the three books ive read for pride month this year

i wish you all the best by mason deaver, a YA fiction book about a nonbinary teen who gets kicked out of their house by their parents and comes to live with their estranged sisten, who they haven’t seen for ten years after she ran away to college pending a fight with their conservative parents. a coming-of-age, coming-out story actually written by a nonbinary author, this one really hit home and—yes, completely expectedly—made me cry a lot. it was very good. i especially liked the parts about how attraction as a trans and especially nonbinary person is so so so complicated, because you start off thinking maybe i’m gay, or i’m straight, or actually i’m neither of those things because gender and attraction don’t play nice with trans identities, and the acknowlegement that there ARE nonbinary people who identify as bisexual despite the misconception that being bisexual is restrictive. its very good. it’s certainly a book i wish i couldve read in high school, as a nonbinary person who is also bisexual. SPOILER: as i was reading this book and seeing ben struggle over whether to try to reconnect with their parents or not, i kept shouting no! you don’t owe them anything!! cut them off!! because i was so immersed and relating so heavily to my own parents (who never did anything so violent but did many similar things) and i was really glad in the end that there was no actual reconcilliation, that one final chance was given and after that, ben said no, i deserve to be happy. and i really liked the not having to forgive your abusers just because they’re the parents who raised you.

my lesbian experience with loneliness by nagata kabi, which i think everyone else but me has already read, to the point where there’s two volumes of sequel out. i almost never read nonfiction, and especially biographies/memoirs, but i’ve heard so much about this one that i had to read it finally. and it is extremely relatable, not just as an afab lgbt individual, but as someone who struggles with depression and anxiety and the very (not uniquely, but certainly integrally) asian concept of familial responsibility, like you have to live up to their expectations and get a good job and in turn support them for supporting you, it was. yeah, thats how it goes. ive seen a lot of wlw sharing this one around as like a mirror image of being a baby lesbian and not understanding why theres such a disconnect between yourself and womanhood and being touch starved. and i can totally see that, despite not being a lesbian, and while i cant intrinsically relate to that unique experience, i do definitely understand the otherness, the unpleasantness of putting on womanhood. the cutesiness of the artwork really blindsides you as to the immensely heavy topics covered with absolute candidness, and had i not known going in that it’s a somewhat depressing work it would have probably hit me very hard with the realness. because yeah i certainly have been that person, lying in my bed, crying, wishing someone would love me, either as a lover as a friend, seeing my friends leave me bc i cant bother to put effort into relationships. reacting to any slight problem with i should just die already as the only solution. its honest, its real, its brutal.

unmasked by the marquess by cat sebatian, the first actual published romance novel ive ever bought and read, despite having played every officially localized otome to exist on console, and i didnt know what to expect other than a crossdressing mc—who, by the way, is referred to with she/her pronouns in text, BUT is explicitly in an author’s note referred to as nonbinary rather than just a cis woman in disguise. it’s a historical romance so there’s a lot of Really A Woman stuff going on but i can overlook it for the sake of the narrative. it’s obvious even in the text that robin neither thinks of herself as robert nor charity—but as robin, a gender neutral name that her (male, explicitly bisexual) LI refers to her as. it is made abundantly clear from the beginning that she hates wearing women’s clothes, that from the moment she stepped into men’s clothing and assumed a masculine role she felt more herself than she’d ever been, and that’s enough for me. i’ve always shied away from romance novels because, you know, trashy bodice rippers or w/e, but this one pleasantly surprised me with the depth of the characters (not just the main two, the side characters all have their interesting quirks as well—louisa reminds me of the side girl in ... jane austen’s emma, the one who emma’s trying to play matchmaker for and falls in love with an alright guy but emma thinks she can do better but really the first guy is the one her hearts set on who makes her happy? also she has Opinions on poultry and agriculture and Drainage and i love that), and the character growth. for example SPOILER—i really hated how alistair portrayed mrs allenby as this greedy mistress of his late father only after his money and prestige, when really (and im glad other characters knew and pointed out that she wasnt all that bad and your bastard half sisters are still your younger sisters you ass) the two of them loved each other and she understood his faults and in the end alistair acknowleged them and she came for him in his darkest hour. like, i was thinking the entire time like, he better make it up to her or else this man stil aint shit, and then he DID and my standards for men were so low that i was shocked and pleasantly surprised. good book.

[tumblunni]

Also yeah while im on the subject

I really hate fantasy settings where magic is limited by biological sex. Because usually its used to enforce some sort of stupid gender stereotype that the writer believes is "biologically innate" rather than predjudice, by making up a world where it actually is biologically innate. Or its like "oh but women cant do those jobs" but again, a made up excuse for it to be LITERALLY TRUE. And usually they either dont even touch on the subject of trans and gay people (since it often conflates heterosexuality with gender...) or else it actually does bring it up and just creates a cavalcade of even more everything-ism...

Like i mean i love the game Jade Coccoon and considering it came out in the early 2000s i can understand it being more sexist, and its supossed to be a dark game anyway and a lot of the societal structures in Syrus Village are meant to be wrong and evil even if the characters act like its the way the world should be. The villain of the game is basically the toxic atmosphere of your shitty town and their paranoia of things they don't understand. Tho that means the player kinda has no motivation to finish it cos the main conflict is also saving those same villagers from dying and theyre all fucks. Anyway i'm going offtopic! What i mena is that i dont think it was a particularly sexist example of the inexplicable gender segregated magic trope. But just cos its a fave game of mine im gonna pick it to talk about anyway. Hope i dont sound too negative on it, cos seriously i love it loads!

Ok so to use Jade Cocoon as an example, here its a thing that only men can be cocoon masters and only women can be nagi. Tho it also gets a bit complicated because nagi is also an ethnicity as well? Its kinda like being romani, they're a race of displaced people who travel the world giving their magical services to other countries while searching for their lost homeland, which you end up finding at the end of the game. So yeah its extra weird cos male children of the nagi race are born with no powers whatsoever and cant even become cocoon masters, yet they get the ruling position in this homeland place? Like thats a better metaphor for how christian societies work, honestly!

Anyway im going offtopic again!

Basically, cocoon master = adventurer dude who catches monsters, nagi = magician who purifies those monsters so you can use them in battle. So when you catch stuff it becomes an inventory item rather than being able to use it on your team right away. And also nagi women can fuse monsters together to make super badass new ones and basically the gameplay system works really well to make you believe your wife is absolutely necessary to your quest and you would die without her, even if she cant fight. And honestly its actually kinda romantic! I just wish it wasnt presented as this weird sacred heterosexuality arranged marriage nonsense where all women are physically unable to go to a dungeon and all men are physically unable to not fight every day. Or at least thats how the powers work and if you try and step out of that role you fuckin die. Like it would be romantic to have a couple of a battle partner and a supporter magician if they actually chose it, yknow?

And whats annoying is that they actually do bring up the subject of people defying gender roles and canonically state that you not omly die but bring a curse upon everyone and are hated forever. They dont mention trans or gay people, instead the excuse is that a man loved his wife so much that he tried to learn nagi magic to lift the burden from her. Cos oh yeaj women get 'punished' by god for doing this magic?? Cursed tattoos all over their body the more they use it, and everyone hates them and eventually they turn into a fairy and forget they were ever human. And in the japanese version you can actually fight other nagi women who met this fate, theyre just another monster that you can fight and capture. They were censored in english cos they looked like really racist stereotypes of black women! Ugh! So yeah anyway nice straight husband is punished by the magic straightness enforcing rules of the universe for loving his straight wife too much. So what is the even point? If a man tries to use nagi magic it creates the "black cocoon" of cursed doomness and blah. Literal punishment for not conforming to gender. Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

Anyway this setting always made me wonder about all the stuff it just glosses over with this implication that every one of these relationships worked out fine. Like even before we rub lgbtq topics all over a retro videogame, there's a lot of logical holes! Like seriously how many of these arranged marriages ended up loveless or abusive? How many women just didnt want to stay confined to one room forever and not even have anyone look at them because their magic markings are shameful yet its also shameful not to want to do it?? How many men were terrified of going out on this advebture fighting literal demigods sent by heaven to punish humans? How many of them just had no ability to fight and died immediately because of shitty traditions, while perfectly qualified women had to sit there and watch it happen? What if there werent enough straight men and women of the same age and people were forced into gross pedophilic shit or other horror scenarios just cos there has to be this one magical straight couple or the village dies? Whenever theres this stupid gender magic its ALWAYS portrayed as idyllic and never failing ever, unless *gasp* people dont follow the gendrules...

And then SERIOUSLY do no queer people exist in this universe?? Man i'd be so interested in their stories! I actually had an oc idea of a self insert version of me as a travelling merchant. Because maybe what if nonbinary people could do both sides of the magic at once and thus adventure alone without being tied to a village's straight marriage system? So i'd just go around purifying monsters and then be a place you could buy new and rare mons from other villages without having to catch them. Maybe an easier way to get the super rare drop fusion materials for tiger pattern and stuff? And like seriously itd be good to have a character to talk to who agrees that your village is made of assholes. I cant say its bad writing cos it was clearly intentional, but they shoulda at least put a bit more incentive to keep playing even if you didnt care about these people. Also it would help plug the plothole of how a village even survives if it doesnt have the required people to form this magical straight marriage. Have some mysterious enby avengers who travel all across the world and save everyone regardless of country! All we ask is you buy some of our lovely souveniers! Maybe a pet patalchu for your family? Seripusly why dont they ever show anyone using the purified monsters for anything other than fighting the unpurified ones? You'd think they'd be really useful in repairing the village and guarding the walls and like..regular industrial jobs. Help the place actually advance and not have to live day to day on scraps,bickering amoungst themselves as the monsters grow ever closer to breaking through. Hell, you could even have them help spin the cocoons for other monsters! If this magic only depends on having a dick or not, then cant we just dress up some animals in the magic straight marriage outfits? XD

And like aaaa man im getting so emotional just imagining a trans woman who's constabtly told she will literally bring about the apocolypse if she tries to fill the female role in this ritual. And then one day she tries to spin the magic silk and she thinks she's committing the ultimate sin and they were all right. But the magic responds to her touch, and she makes a spell more beautiful than any other woman in the village! It would probably be harder for a trans man cos the magic doesnt have so much of an immediate proof like that. Just going out and winning a fight with a monster can be called "dumb luck", and knowing these assholes they'd probably keep calling it dumb luck even after the thousandth time you save their life!

And man, i wonder how gay relationships would work in such an annoyingly strict system of enforced heterosexuality? Would it be like the magic isnt REALLY gender locked at all, and it can just be any couple with either partner taking either role? Or would it be that it is one magic per gender but the bigoted villagers were wrong about it being impossible to do things without both? Like maybe when you're going into battle alone as a single cocoon master you cant fight without catching other monsters. But when two cocoon masters love each other their magic is amplified and they become able to like.. I dunno.. Imbue each other with elemental strength so they can fight the monsters hand to hand? Cos really the elemental system is the only reason you cant do a no monsters run of the game as it is. Maybe since they cant purify monsters but they can still catch them, they equip the monsters as sort of a power rangers transformation? Or socket them like materia on their weapons? Or just if the world was less segregated into tiny sexist racist villages they could simply buy the purification coccoons from another local nagi, and villages without a coccoon master could buy the services of travelling ones. Oh, and maybe two nagi lesbians could be even more badass! Cos if they can only purify and not fight, maybe their double purification is so strong that they can just straight up walk into the forest and monsters don't attack them. They dont even need to do the full spell, they can calm a beastie's rage just by holding out their hand and patting it on the head. So they coukd be infinately more effective and not have to just tenporarily clear single travelling routes of a few monsters, but actually work towards slowly purifying the entire forest and creating a peaceful land again. Tho i mean the game did have a unique atmosphere with the whole 'no hope of ever beating them' aspect. It was unique to see a society formed around the idea of never going into forests or you Die. But magical lesbians and their family of a million pet dragons is honestly better!

And uhhhh ive gone all offtopic now and i camt stop thinking about how much i love magical lesbians with a million pet dragons

The End

[youngtran]

...

Christmas always makes me....feel a lot of things. It’s not really an easy time of year for me, mostly because I’m not really “out” to my family. But only in the way I haven’t said “I’m trans” to them. They know, only my parents call me my dead name, my friends call me Av even when we’re around my parents. I just don’t feel like its my responsibility to bring it up.  I don’t feel any obligation to come out.  They’re My parents, I feel like THEY should be checking in one me, not ignoring me. I’ve been on T for a year and half now, I have a scrappy little moustache, my voice is deeper, my shoulders are significantly broader, i bind my chest, I never wear “womens clothing”, I have an adams apple, and visible facial hair on my chin if I don’t shave.  

But my family refuses to acknowledge it.  Despite receiving a name change notice of mine in the mail (I accidentally had it sent there.  They opened it.) a couple years ago. 

My 21 yr old brother knows I’m trans, and he’s not okay with it. He’s cut me out of his life and refuses to talk to me outside of family gatherings. He only calls me my dead name, even when we used to see each other when we weren’t forced to.  He used to change my name on our family netflix account from Av to my dead name often (theres absolutely no way my parents know how to do that)  He told me he won’t talk to me until I came out to my parents, and he won’t further involve himself with “lying” to my parents.  I think that if he loved me he’d support me like my friends do, and try to help me find a way to talk to my parents. Or tell them to get over it. It really hurts that he doesn’t do that, I’m really jealous of people who have good/close relationships with their siblings (especially brothers).  Thinking about a brother who says things like “I love you, I support you” makes me cry a lot. 

I came out to my aunt a few months ago.  I used to avoid talking to my parents I’d go months if I could get away with it.  -I only did that because I was hard for me to be around my parents while they blatantly ignored my identity constantly. And said things like “Changing your gender is a big decision” (unwarranted).- she confronted me at dinner once and basically asked me why I’m such a shitty “daughter” and ignore my parents.  I told her I was transgender, what that meant to me, how long I’d been on hormones for, that id changed my name, what my pronouns were, everything.  Since that dinner she’s completely disregarded everything I said.  She calls me my dead name, uses she/her pronouns for me, calls me her “niece”, implies that my partner is a lesbian bc she’s with me.  When I tried to talk to her about this she said “it didn’t matter what she said bc she has the best intentions”.   The first time I met my partner’s aunt frm Vancouver (we went axe throwing) she was awesome w my pronouns and was v kind to me (she tld me a story abt smashing a baked potato w a tiny hammer @ the calgary stampede).  while we were making lunch and talking amongst ourselves she misgendered me, But I didn’t hear her, she then gently pulled me aside and said “Av, I’m so sorry I accidentally used the wrong pronoun, I’m really sorry” and meant it and hugged me and it felt really good.  In a lot of ways my partner’s family provides me an example of how a family should treat each other vs how my family treats me. 

Christmas is HARD it’s a lot of time w all of these people, a lot a lot of misgendering and dead naming.  I kind of just realized I asked my aunt for a lot of clothing and i’m really worried she bought me all “womens” clothing.  I cry a lot a lot a lot at Christmas time (literally have spent so much time sobbing in my partners arms lately) and that suckssuckssucksucks sssssooo fucking much. 

(I really don’t want anyones opinion on this.  I just wanted to express myself.) 

anyways. I’m going to smoke my third joint of the night and finish Will Smith’s new alien cop movie (?) and try to have a nice time before I have to have a hard time tomorrow. 

[possibilistfanfiction]

hey jude!!! just read ur last anon abt being nb and wondered if u could talk abt ur own gender experience?

well basically i didnt grow up in a very open household, like rly Zero discussion of gender, so i know i Experienced gender entirely but i played almost exclusively with the boys in my class until probably grade 6 or 7, & at puberty, even tho i was a better athlete than most boys in my class still, i started hanging out with girls more, at recess, etc. i was always into androgyny, even if i had no idea (& i didn’t) what that was—i liked some femme things, absolutely, but i wanted nothing to do w skirts or pretty shoes. i wanted to be in adidas running sneakers 24/7 if i could help it, & i wore a uniform to school w the option of a skirt/pants, & im p sure i always wore pants. at the time this, to me, seemed more functional, & it was, but it was also, as i can understand now, something that made me feel Less like a girl, although not at all like a boy.

when i was older, 12, 13, 14, my parents wanted me to dress nicer, & i was v much into like american eagle shit, although by mid hs i was into some vintage stuff. one rly big odd style influence for me was mia wasikowksa in this weird movie called restless bc it was this v soft femme androgyny & i think for me this kind of gender expression became very important to see & understand. it wasn’t that she didn’t look like a girl, or that she wasn’t a girl, but she also sometimes looked like a boy, or wore boys clothes, but she wasn’t butch. idk this movie sent me for a loop honestly lol. 

& obviously my understanding of gender expression didn’t correlate (& doesn’t correlate!) w so many gender identities, & “passing” is extremely harmful as a notion, etc. but when i was younger my understanding of gender & sexuality was very limited & began to expand when i saw very femme but still andro ppl, even tho i couldn’t articulate it at the time. 

when i was a teenager i knew i didnt want to rly have a single thing to do w any boy, which made me sure i was a lesbian bc thats the only narrative i’d rly known abt queerness, or queer women, or even queer ppl who presented as femme. there werent any out lesbians at my school (no fucking way), & the only out queer kid at all was a white gay guy a year older than me, who was popular in the way white gay boys can be popular in high school. but i read voraciously, was fascinated by the crossdressing in shakespeare (paris in the merchant of venice was a particular fixation of mine?) & anyway. i knew i was queer, i knew i liked girls, & i knew i was outrageously uncomfortable w my body, particularly my breasts. for a long time i thought this was because i was ashamed of my sexuality, when i came to sort of understand that, but ofc now i know abt dysmorphia & dysphoria, so yknow. knowledge.

when i went to college i came out big time, & it became very important to me to both be queer & look sort of queer but not queer enough to be Queer—i wanted ppl to be like ‘maybe into girls, but maybe straight.’ as im sure many of us know, this was a lot of internalized shame abt a lot of things, so that sucks. however, i cut my hair which was like the first comfortable thing i had done for my appearance in a v long time, & also smth which my parents hated & i did anyway. i wore a Lot of rly femme stuff bc they hated it tho? so this was all v confusing for me bc my parents are v homophobic, & here i was in college starting to read queer theory & gender theory & falling in love w like. the most beautiful, brilliant girl, & also spiraling into a mixed episode after i got diagnosed w bipolar I, which sort of put everything else on the backburner for a year. 

eventually tho i sorted that out (as much as u can sort smth like that out) & i started to rly pay attention to androgyny. i went to europe & i think theres a whole bunch of nuances to fashion that exist there that certainly arent here, & i spent a winter in warsaw so there were aspects to fashion & expression there that were entirely abt functionality, which i was v attracted to. in college, as well, & especially after college, gender became smth i was v much invested in bc i was (& absolutely am) a feminist, so my place in the canon & zeitgeist was one as a queer female writer. it was so so central to who i was, & what i was writing abt. every single thing i wrote in college was in some way a balm, some sort of piece abt myself, learning abt trauma & the body. sorting through a lot of hurt. i could write a theory piece abt elizabeth bishop & reading it back now i know it was also abt me, that kinda stuff.

when i went to toronto i rly rly started being invested in looking critically at gender & my experience of it bc being read as a woman was smth that was grating on me, even tho i had identified as woman for so long, & had no desire at all to transition. i know 100% i am not a trans man, so that was confusing for a long time because i sort of knew there was a space between but it was very hard to conceptualize. eventually i sort of came to understand gender is a color wheel where cis boys are blue & cis women are pink & then theres literally a ton of other colors out there, so yknow. lots of different experiences of gender. some days i feel much more strongly like i identify w women (in mostly political situations, it matters to me to be read as “female” sometimes bc rights for ppl w vaginas AND trans women are FUCKED UP in so many places). some days i hate the idea of identifying as a woman. i also never want to identify as a man. so when i was in toronto i rly started to know a LOT of queer ppl w so many different expressions of gender. & we were all young & lovely & open & fucked up & we would get fucked up but we would also go read together in the park & wander around alleys in the snow & like. there’s a Muchness to toronto that i experienced that helped me, personally, understand these intersections between my own sexuality & gender & expression as much more than just a gay woman who isn’t butch & isn’t femme. i was rly lucky to become part of a community that identified as Queer, & so i became v much understanding of these different aspects of my own identity that fell outside of binary—my sexuality, my gender. Queerness is a vital & profound thing to me & i was rly able (& so fortunate) to have a close friend group of mostly queer ppl & then a few of the actual literally most incredible allies i’ve ever known & will ever know. 

so then from there i just rly kinda thought abt things & like i got a binder & stuff in TO but rly started to evaluate my dysmorphia & dysphoria (i had struggled really badly w an eating disorder in/post college) & was able to sort out that so much of it had to do w feeling uncomfortable in the way my body was read in the world. & that will always happen bc i LOVE makeup & i have a “feminine” voice & sometimes i love skirts & i shave my legs bc i like how it feels sometimes & i dont ever want to go on T—none of these things make anyone ANY gender, but ofc theyre coded as “female.” but i’m learning to just yknow educate where i can & take a lot of solace in the community of ppl i have fostered who support & understand my Being. i’ve also allowed myself to be invested in aesthetics & fashion & how much a role that plays bc like. yah fuck Yah i look cool shit bc my friends love it & absolutely i wanna wear the same vans maia mitchell has & i want a melodrama hoodie & i LOVE local toronto designers & their angsty patches abt sad songs & whiskey but i love fashion born out of histories that is connected to smth i can understand, like queer punk movements, or smth my friends & i share, like blundstones (which are gender neutral, which is cool). i’m fascinated in how ppl express their Selves, & we are so unfortunately Finite in our bodies in the sense that that’s rly how the world, in our day to day interactions, processes who & what we are. so i invest in the care of mine by trying to listen to it, trying to make it comfortable—& clothing is a huge thing that can do that. also its fun so anyone who thinks loving (ethical, cool) fashion is vain can eat my ass

anyway lmao now i have a p decent sense, atm at least, of what makes my body its most comfortable (even if that is v far from Comfortable at times). i love my tattoos, & i basically never rly want long hair again i’m p sure, & i love makeup, & if i could wear vans or blundstones every day for the entirety of my life at this point that would be incredible. those are easy things, & i try to allow my body, in its cultural place, to have access to them as much as possible, which is so important to me in a sense of having access to a physical space that matches my mental space of gender identity. politically sometimes i feel v v much a “woman” in terms of my lived experience, & i allow that of myself as well. sometimes when i write it’s important to me that my poetry be read as a queer person but also someone who is culturally coded as a woman, bc those are still always central concerns of my work—the trauma, the power there. but day to day i’m mostly happy spending my time obsessing over other things, like what to call this new genre of music halsey & lorde are making, or why my dog stevie is a Fanatic when it comes to ice cubes. ive come to enough terms w my gender, & my sexuality—& the expression thereof—that unless someone is talking abt gender, or someone asks me a question, it’s not smth that is constantly on my mind, which is. Nice. its so nice lol. 

also i would like to point out that i know my experience being non binary is rly rly white & western in so many ways & i get that. my cultural experience of non binary gender is also v much this like. ive felt frustrated before but never in my life have i felt scared to be non-binary while i was like out & abt in the world, bc i still pass as a cis white woman literally everywhere all the time (which has its pros & cons but like, still, a lot of privilege). so i do try to keep all of that in mind as well when i try to center myself & all that jazz

& who tf knows where all of that will take me. i feel like, bc ive learned to listen to my body & my brain so much better than i did when i was younger—even when they might hate themselves—i am so much better at filling up a space in the world that occupies smth healthy. which is not smth i take lightly, & i’m also so open to changes, as long as they feel good & beneficial & true. which is sort of new for me. who knows man ur mid twenties are a wild ride 

[princesscolumbia]

These were obviously written by someone who doesn’t have children

Anonymous said:im genuinely happy for you that your coming out was able to help your parents and that you were accepted by them and the environment for you was a supportive one, i really am i promise theres no sarcasm here, but do try to remember that a LOT of us lgbt folk have homophobic parents who sadly dont learn from their kids being lgbt, and instead hate us, abuse us, disown us, etc. the reason people are upset is bc they feel like you're undermining that and saying the abuse is "worth it"

Anonymous said:but the point is that a parent learning a valuable lesson isn't worth their child's safety. why should an innocent young person end up risking their livelihood? the statistics of homeless queer youth prove that it's not worth the risk.

Anonymous said:gay kids are not a lesson for homophobic parents. homophobic parents abuse us, homophobic parents kick us out, homophobic parents get us killed.

Anonymous said:you have to understand that not all parents are like yours. most parents completely hate their gay/trans kids and would rather put them through conversion therapy or ignore their gayness/transness than accept their kid as they are. sometimes they would rather have a dead cishet kid than a living gay/trans kid. a gay kid having homophobic parents isnt a punishment for the parents; its a punishment for the kid.

All four of these came in nearly at once, and I suspect that they were all the same person, so I’m just going to address them all at once:

Honey, sweetie, darling child...your experience is not universal any more than mine is. When you focus on the headlines that are intentionally written to be sensationalist and rustle your jimmies, you develop the same tunnel-vision that cops do; you’re only going to see the worst in humanity.

Couple that with the above comments clearly coming from someone who isn’t responsible for preparing a child to face the big, wide world. Yes, there’s people who are such monumental cock-bites that you’d think they’re getting paid for it (my ex-wife’s family comes to mind) but the vast majority of parents are really just overgrown teenagers making shit up as they go along and wondering how their parents ever managed. They don’t know any better than the next person, and often they’re getting bad advice from well meaning people who know even less than they do, but they don’t know it’s bad advice and they don’t know the people dispensing it are the wrong people to ask in the first place.

My ex-wife is in for a world of pain when my daughter gets old enough to start dating. Why? Because our daughter is most likely gender-queer and is showing signs of being only attracted to women. She’s got friends that are boys, but has shown zero inclination towards “church approved” heterosexual attraction; meanwhile, she’s flat out told me that she likes girls. She’s a little young to make that determination for sure (heaven’s knows I didn’t really understand my own attractions until I was in my early 20′s, even if I was sexually active in my mid-teens), but I’m willing to bet with how early the women in my family start puberty that she simply has a clear idea what her orientation is already. My ex-wife drank the kool-aid that her family served about how LGBT people are all inherently evil and sinners. My ex-wife gets to have a wonderful little learning experience where she gets to grow as a person or lose her daughter.

That’s not going to be fun for either of them. Hell, it won’t be fun for me. (I’m not looking forward to being referee in that particular argument, and you know I’m going to be “blamed” for it) My daughter is going to get a chance to learn and grow from her figuring things out. My ex-wife is going to get a chance to learn and grow from our daughter figuring these things out. Neither of them gets to force the other to accept their opinion any more than you get to force my ex-wife to accept our daughter.

(Sidebar: For those who might be worried about the possibility of my daughter being sent to any sort of “conversion therapy” or some similar nonsense, there’s a clause in the divorce contract stating that I have full veto rights to any medical treatments our daughter is put through, and that includes anything like a “conversion camp” or similar. I didn’t know I’d be needing that clause for this purpose at the time, but I’m damn glad I fought for it)

Every parent of an LGBT kid has to learn, grow, and change once they find out that their child doesn’t fit into the mainstream. Most parents eventually figure it out and accept their child’s choice, if for no other reason than they know that said “child” is their own person and by the time the dust clears said person is over 18 and can do whatever the fuck they want and the parent either gets to play nice or never see that child again. This does NOT mean that ALL parents will learn that they should love their kids and grow their heart and mind, and when the parent chooses not to learn those lessons, that means they fail. They lose that connection with their child and deep down they know they screwed up. They’ll either learn and grow and get over it, or they’ll go to their grave knowing how badly they screwed up and be too stubborn to actually do anything about it.

Further, not everything a parent does that hurts the child is done to hurt the child. A well-meaning but clueless parent has just as much (if not more) to learn about their child’s orientation/gender-presentation as their child. These imperfect beings are usually doing their damndest to raise a kid, and now they are the odd-person out among their peer group, and all because of something that they have no control over. (Sound familiar?)

A good, christian, Republican father who thought he was raising three boys finds out he’s got two boys and a trans-girl is going to be so far out of his element he might as well be a pet store goldfish piloting a space shuttle. He has zero frame of reference and he’s just lost a son. He’s got to go through a learning process, he’s got to question everything he believes in, he’s got to go against the grain so hard that splinters are inevitable, he’s got to go through the grieving process, and he’s got to figure out how to love this changeling living in his son’s room. That is a LOT to go through, and it’s just as hard for him as it is for his son daughter.

Let’s take an opposite case: A...”good” (she’s trying real hard but keeps dropping the ball at the worst times through no fault of her own), atheist (as soon as she turned 18 she left her parent’s church and never looked back), Liberal single mother is told by her daughter (by a one-night stand during her brief stint in college...she’s not even sure who the father is) that her daughter is a lesbian and, by the way, her girlfriend’s parents kicked her out because their pastor said she was sinful and can she stay with them please? She now has to deal with a girl who’s legal status in the home is questionable at best, potentially abusive parents who will come over at any time to harass their daughter and the “heathen family of sinners” that “corrupted” their little girl, potential CPS investigations, and all this on top of having to completely scrap any hopes and dreams she had of her little girl finding a good man (preferably with a degree) to settle down with so her daughter doesn’t have to deal with the crap she did. Does she let them sleep in the same room? (They’re underage, after all, but since there’s no chance of pregnancy, does that matter, or is it the principal of the thing? Who the hell would she even ask about that?) How is she supposed to be there for her daughter (and possible live-in girlfriend) if she’s having to work 10 hour days 6 days a week? And let’s talk about the budget; she can barely afford two people, and now her daughter is asking to bring in a third?!

Both the parent and the child are going to do and say hateful, hurtful things. Usually, it’s without meaning to. If the parent is ACTUALLY abusive, then action gets to take place, most especially the child being removed from the abusive environment. The parent gets to have legal action taken against them, possibly including jail time for abusing a child.

tl;dr - The original post made a statement about how a kid being LGBT isn’t all about the parents. I simply made a statement that it also impacts the parents, and that is a good thing.

[nicemango-feed]

A Foot in Both Worlds: How it feels to see the Suffering of Muslim women used to Undermine Feminism in the West

If you're on atheist Twitter, you've probably heard the terrifying and heartbreaking tale of Dina Ali, a young Saudi woman, trying to escape an abusive family...on her way to Australia to seek asylum, but stopped in the Philippines and hauled back to danger by male relatives. I have seen many good people rally behind this worthy cause. I hope creating all this noise will be of some use and we can help her find freedom somehow. At least her family knows there are people looking out for her and want accountability. I can only hope, that one day women in the place I grew up, Saudi Arabia, will have the freedom to move and travel as they please. Please use the hashtag #SaveDinaAli to continue making noise about this, and to keep the pressure up.

A Saudi Arabian woman says she was stopped at a Philippines airport ... and that her life would be in danger if she returned home. http://pic.twitter.com/4BCEwkYpyh

— AJ+ (@ajplus) April 12, 2017

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What else can we do besides making noise? I know it feels like you're helpless and oceans away. But sometimes campaigning and distributing information to those who simply don't know about the situation, is invaluable... The topic of anything relating to Islam is fraught with baggage in the current global climate. People who were reluctant to touch this subject before, will be even more reluctant now. If we, as liberals, actually want valid critiques to be heard on a wider scale, this is the time to build bridges with the mainstream left - who control most mainstream, credible media. If you care for the rights of Muslim women, this is the time to vocally oppose anti-Muslim sentiment, anti-immigrant/anti-migrant sentiment, so that when and if such women get a chance to leave...they don't continue to suffer. Honestly, in the Islam-critical scene, I don't see enough of that. One thing that makes this situation even worse is people using this instance to dump on, discredit and minimize the struggles of Western feminists as a whole. It's wrong on many levels, but its also just strategically flawed and counterproductive. Granted, many Western feminists may not be aware of the struggles of women in Islamic theocracies - and may indeed view the subject through a Western lens. I myself have been a critic of this time and time again....on specific topics like hijab for example.

From a previous post, you can see the full thing here

There are definitely some *specific* instances where the response of Western feminists can be criticized. And I'm perfectly happy to do that when its relevant - but what I'm seeing a lot of now is a blanket condemnation of Western feminism as a whole.

Sure yeah, no other issues here in the west for women. 

(click to enlarge) Not to mention there are western feminists supporting, reporting and creating awareness on this very topic.

Well no, you don't have to dump on Western feminists to highlight the suffering of Saudi women. It would be far more effective if you raised awareness about it on it's own...as it's a very worthy cause. Should not be used as a tool to score cheap points. "To create controversy" ? so there's a desire to purposefully create controversy by dragging others down? Am I misunderstanding something?

Here's just one example of a Western feminist drawing national attention to a problem like FGM. Of course much more can be done, but this will be achieved through bridging the gaps in understanding, not through alienating Western feminists.

Why are Western feminists viewed as privileged? Well, because Western feminists do not live under Sharia, and aren't being held captive by a male guardianship system. What a privilege!

They aren't being stoned to death...so their struggles aren't real. Trivial non-issues. 

right, because being liked by everyone is the biggest problem Western feminists have

Who's saying they are comparable? I know I'm not...yet this is a response to me.

Now of course, theres no comparison between the types of struggles faced in the West and those under Islamic theocracy. But who, other than anti-feminist types are equating the two? Women saying "we should be heard too" isn't equating or saying they are comparable. This is another manifestation of the "But what about Islam" nonsense - nothing else can ever be criticized, thanks Islam. :/ What a divisive way to look at things. Identity politics being used by anti-sjw type critics of such things. 1) Western feminist? Bah...you don't have problems. 2) Also, (white) privilege isn't real, and oppression olympics are stupid. < Same people, probably.

Who was equating here? Not me... 'disrespect first-world feminists' :(

Ok maybe not all these types deny the existence of 'privilege', especially when it suits them:

Truly a disgusting and unhelpful way to look at things. Not a single Saudi woman is helped with this attitude. 

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Sure Sharia is THE worst for women...but this is not to say that Western feminism as a whole is frivolous and silly. Don't give me the tired crap about manspreading as if that's what the whole movement is based on. I've heard more anti-feminists obsess over manspreading than feminists. Yes there have been some silly instances, which I have no issue with criticizing....but that is not representative of the whole of Western feminism. By this standard every woman who escapes life in a theocracy and moves to the West...and wants to continue fighting for her rights even in the West, against Western misogynists...is now just engaging in trivial BS. So basically: 'we'll have your back till you leave sharia...after that, you're a joke, your concerns are non-issues.'   Free speech is a major topic of concern in our circles, but this 'anti-Western-feminist' argument can be used there too. If it's not sharia-level bad, it's not worth worrying about I guess...total non-issue:

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I can't describe how awful it is to see this as someone with one foot in both worlds. To see women's suffering being used against women in other contexts. I've been forced to veil in the past, but this doesn't mean I won't care about workplace sexual harassment in a Toronto office. Stop using the pain of women abused under Islamic regimes to undermine feminists in the West. Women's rights and the fight for those rights extends across the globe. Women are not pawns to pit against each other in some stupid imagined rivalry. I have spent roughly half my life in the West and half of it in the East...in a theocracy. I can tell you that even though there isn't morality police here, women's problems are not magically erased. Women are still struggling for equality all over the world, to different degrees obviously (yes, calm down, not equating). If you care for women's rights, and aren't just interested in weaponizing the *idea* of women's rights to express your hatred for Islam...then you should care about those rights everywhere. Islam can be criticized without throwing Western feminists under the bus. Some may seem reluctant to criticize Islam now, and boy...minimizing their struggles will definitely change their minds! Most importantly, this approach is a disservice to people like Dina Ali, if Muslim women's rights are continued to be seen as a cause hijacked by anti-feminists, right-wingers, etc. to undermine progress and women's rights in their own parts of the world...these critiques and calls to action will never fully resonate with the mainstream...they will always be a taboo topic to touch, they will always be tainted by associations with those seen as having illiberal views in a Western context. And this is why ex-muslims in the West like me...and women who continue to exist under sharia, often feel like we are shouting into the wind. How can any of us be heard like this? So...how do we help women like Dina? We talk about these issues...without using her heartbreaking situation to undermine others.

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Here are some examples of the battles Western feminism is facing today...for those who think it's just non-issues:

Full story here

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Full story here

And all this continues in a climate where alt-right sexism/misogyny is becoming hip, trendy and acceptable in a way it hasn't been in decades...In a climate where a self-professed sexual predator is sitting in the most powerful position in the world. Accusations of sexual assault certainly didn't damage his 'career'.

Full story here

We are in a time, where it's acceptable to say women should be taken out of positions of political power, "we need to establish a fierce and strong patriarchy". This is not some obscure alt-right woman btw, this is someone praised as an ally by our very own leading atheist figure, Dave Rubin.

"women must be removed from political power" (although still of course backs Le Pen) in order to "reestablish a fierce & strong patriarchy". http://pic.twitter.com/veGhSMX0c3

— Nikolashvili (@ViniKako) February 14, 2017

So Rubin goes on a podcast with an alt-right Trump fan called "libtard America" & praises them as an "ally" producing "good stuff". http://pic.twitter.com/P1Mx6CSRhV

— Nikolashvili (@ViniKako) February 1, 2017

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Somewhere along the way, many crossed over from rightfully criticizing the left for dealing with Islam-related topics poorly, to opposing every liberal left value...feminism, diversity, standing up for minorities, trans rights, etc. How did we get here? :(

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