#its mental illness central 👍👍👍👍👍

[iiapple]

the marshple swagger of having such a rancidly toxic relationship prior to season 2 episode 2 💖💖💖💖💖

[loveireandblog]

And Croatia! Bc I went on holiday w a fucking racist, drunk, suicidal LANDLORD . THEY BOTH HAD me come back a shell of a human I can't even reiterate it enough but atleast w croatia I came back w a bit of vivacity.

FUCK Kai. Seriously fuck kai! And it had to be my fucking bfs fucking central group of fucking FRIENDS. NOBODY LIKED KAI! THEY ALL SPOKE HORRIBLY OF THEM. And in their twisted fucking head it was like a battle of the partners which in time afterwards has become extremely apparent Now basically not cos of me bc they're selfish bastards who don't stick up for eachother let alone me the rando gf of bf anyway they've made a boundary against kai now instead of licking their arsehole and hating soon as they were gone (and at the same time whole time in Rome bf is like I'm distraught! I want you guys to gel so goooood. But kai! And I'm like no...I do not like. Your friends. And they were like but they're sticking by kai for _gf of kai_ and i was like right but they are being duplicitous to the extreme and they r closer to kai + whT did I fucking do 🙃. Mistake of my life. Take it all personally. He's always saying get out n make friends I actually cannot believe I cared looking back I'm now solidified in my small circle. There was 3 people n Kai n bf. And 2 of those people apologised later n said it was a witch hunt. Just to rly make clear the call isn't from inside the house but now I've said that but idc

They just deal w kai bc she's _ gf and I'm like in what fucking world and then when kai was acting up w me bf didn't stick up for me in real time - he said its bc he cld see how much I was struggling water under bridge but instead what stuck in my extreme chokehold head is mirror images w a bad brain - my nemesis. If you put a filter onto things in my world ur gone. I am filter central lol I'm gonna cry I find it very hard to climb down frm all ledges n it's where I go. Posi twist is that I'm good! I'm fine! I am just fucking petrified of my own traps!!!!!)

and thats it that's where I am now tryna fucking scrape money to look after myself as I see that was after being agoraphobic (keeps happening in extremely intense bursts for wks and rn I'm in a pretty okay one where its every few days atleast but idk if "can only go out w someone in tow" but can do gym! And corner shop! And town centre and cinema. A train to a diff city on my own? What once was my extreme usual has disappitated) after covid threw me into warrington and I spent a lot of time indoors pulling me back to Home days & no community.

I pushed myself out and absolutely yes coincidentally (bc I couldn't believe it) the 2 holidays were brutal and i was extremely vulnerable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but they were indeed brutal! The stories (when told properly) has everyone flabbergasted! They question! Why did Sam for example come on this family holiday? The other carer was like urrrr ill politely decline. What cesspit of shit boundaries was going on there pray

Or kai and bf . He has shit fucking friends. Like that's his baggage

I see my own logic in the things that happened rather than their symbols and I am PRAYING AGAINST HOPE the mirror thing adds up I sound mental but that's ocd for u - and compulsively eclipsing n ruining along the way apparently apppppareeeently but I am not okay and i thought I'd figured out the illogical nature enough to bypass. No. That was days of old 👍. As I keep repeating the better I get, the worse the bdd is getting.

ROME *RUINED* MY LIFE OR I JUST SAW PROPERLY IM NOT ENTIRELY SURE BUT I LITERALLY and i came back as Nothing and then building up bc I don't wanna /die/ and it's all wRONG