#its like oh huh . theyve been writing good shit for a while now glad theyre getting recognized for that . good for them

[justablah56]

it is 4 am and I am mostly asleep and I just found out that the song that for the past like 3 ish years just randomly gets stuck in my head all the time is by chaplelle roan . fucking . apparently .

[swampgallows]

really feel like im gonna struggle to ever integrate into society. i struggle to chill w people my own age because a lot of them have careers n shit (i think... i guess? i dont really know actually lmao cause i dont talk to em) or theyre dating people and i cant really tell people what im up to because theyre condescending about it. “oh youre still into the rave thing huh?” yeah i’m “still into” it, sorry. you got two kids and a husband and youre living w your parents still too, that’s not a life i envy. id rather keep my ‘childish’ interests, thanks.

and i dont drink or do drugs so a lot of Adult Outings make me uncomfortable or are not right for me. and any time i want to find sober anything it becomes religious or recovery related, or it is considered exclusively for children. i have no problem being in the vicinity of alcohol but i dont want to hang w people while they’re using controlling substances because it sucks for everybody involved: they cant enjoy themselves because they feel self-conscious around me being the sober one, and then i feel bad for making them self-conscious but am also uncomfortable with them using substances around me. and of course i mean substances for the purpose of getting fucked up, not as medication. except in the case of weed which is a huge monumentally major trigger for me (whether i mentally prepare myself to be around it or not).

raves are the perfect blend for me. people who wanna get fucked up can, people who dont want to dont have to, and everybody is there to have a good time in their own way. they wear what they want, they dance how they want, and they generally dont infringe on anybody else’s good time with weird stuff like sexual advances or whatever. and if something like that is going down (like when RTC strips down and starts fucking on stage basically) you can always go somewhere else without having to sacrifice listening to the music or enjoying yourself otherwise. there’s generally outdoor areas (or people will let you in/out if it’s not the shadiest) to chill or if you need a breather, people are willing to help you, etc. i dunno raves compared to clubs or bars are vastly VASTLY superior. youd think id be able to stand the latter two since i rave all the time but i just cant (also because there is never any good music at clubs).

plus im not dating anybody and being ace is a shit and a half in terms of All of That, it’s another fuckin hang up on my perceived adulthood that im unpalatable or a freak or something is wrong w me if i’ve “gone this long” being single. sorry all the dudes who have been into me have been petulant children or massive abusive jerks and im not open enough about my bi-ness to be visible to women i dont think. either way im entirely de-sexed and this is the age where people are definitely fuckin, and fuckin with a PURPOSE. theyve all had like ten years of practice by this point (whether actually having sex or not, theyre just programmed to understand it) and so most people dont have time for a stiff like me who really doesnt give a shit about sex or ranges to even actively fucking hating it. i also havent developed feelings for anybody in a long time unless you count my tumblr crush (who im pretty sure has a partner anyway lmao and they seem pretty sexual actually so i dont think theyd, among many other reasons, give a shit about my dumb ass) and that can be really alienating too. 

my high school best friend got married yet to me i feel like the only development i’ve had since high school is Trauma and mental illness. like i developed dissociative episodes in the last few years whereas in high school i basically only had the chronic insomnia and hypnagogic hallucinations. i mean i certainly think i’ve developed AS A PERSON in HUMONGOUS strides since high school but i know people i knew then will just be like “oh you still do ‘the rave thing’ and play WoW, huh?”

like yeah, i dunno, FUCK ME for enjoying my interests. i quit wow when i needed to and im glad i did but it’s not WoW’s fault i entered a morass of suicidal depression in the years i wasnt playing. WoW had run its course at that time in my life. and at the latter end of that i was going to raves regularly, making the BEST lifelong friends i have ever had, and generally being part of something greater, part of a community that genuinely cared about me. i was working out further kinks with my ability to socialize and love and be open to people (as i will continue to do until i die) but i feel there is arguably a much larger capacity to love in me than before. so i still wear kandi, so i still wear black clothing, so i still prattle on about orcs and trolls. fuck off. at least now i dont hate myself and let myself get raped every day, at least now im not mindlessly swallowing and regurgitating actively racist rhetoric out of fear of confronting my parents’ hatred or by surrounding myself with the dregs of society, at least now i dont want to “sew up my vagina” because i detest my womanhood and the men who covet(ed) it

currently i play wow honestly like maybe twice a week. i went on a bender with diego my REAL LIFE FRIEND LMFAO (like what, stop enjoying time w your friends, it isnt grown up!) a few days ago and we played for like 6 straight hours which was pretty fuckin wild. i think about wow a LOT like TOO mcuh and all of my art recently has been wow-related but holy shit i am drawing at least 

since playing wow again (almost concurrent with when i had started my job) i did more drawing than i did in probably all 4.5 years of college, assignments or otherwise. i was drawing EVERY DAY, legitimately, even if they were just quick scribbles. and when i wasnt i was writing every single fucking day. and when i wasnt, i was READING. like FUCK me for having warcraft as a motivation to do fucking anything in my goddamn life. youre right, abandoning my interests and adopting ones i hate for the sake of appearing more adult is totally worth the mind-numbing soul-eating depression i crumble into without these silly safety nets.

like that’s all it is. it’s silly. raves are silly. video games are silly. “good luck getting laid” thanks i dont need it. “good luck finding someone who loves you” fuck you i have plenty of people who love me BECAUSE of the things i love, not “in spite” of them, not in some tongue-in-cheek “That’s our Swamp!” fashion. they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE MAKE MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE PLAY MORE.” (that last one is about music, not warcraft lol).

but i mean i do worry about it, worry about being “too insular” as some critical piece of shit idiot put it to the point of being unrelatable. I dont want to alienate myself from people of course, nor do i want to get so wrapped up in fantasy that i lose myself. and that’s something i was tearing myself apart about during my episode earlier, just that “I have to get off the internet” because while i think and do all of this stuff, “Me” is just sitting in my bed rotting. Even when im drawing or up at my tables mixing i know it’s still just me, in my house, sealed off from the world, and i started having panic because i was telling myself “i want to go home” over and over but i am at home, i’m in my bed, but i realized of course that home is not in this house. home is many places for me, but it’s also why im SO enthusiastic about wow again: it is home. and believe me im getting wary of just how fucking much i am eating breathing sleeping dreaming (literally dreaming) warcraft because while i dont know if i was ever “addicted” i, again, dont want to be so swept up that i forget im a person (and with dpdr that shit is way potent). that and uhh i got shit to do, but mostly... it’s not real. and i know im setting myself up for failure and heartbreak again by yearning for something that cannot exist no matter how much i set my mind and hands to create it.

i feel hurt physically by the fact that there are “only humans”. i mean there are infinite different kinds of humans, but it’s more of an existential quandary than a yearning for an orc boyfriend or something. it’s why we dream up fantastic creatures and aliens in the first place: we’re not alone in the universe, are we? are humans really the only sentient beings out there? we can’t be. we can’t be. “they” say either option—that we are, or are not alone—is equally terrifying but i dont think so. sure we might fear violence or eradication from not being alone, but to know that we are? out of everything we’ve charted and studied, that we’re it? that’s... that’s death. and of course there’s going to be heat death or whatever they say in 6 billion whatever i dont know, so whether we’re alone or not is irrelevant because it will destroy our universe and what happens when there is no universe? and so of course all of this was compounding into panic, of course, of course, jumping from a dumbass thought like “i guess im not as into overwatch because it’s sci-fi but also theyre all humans” straight into “INEVITABLE HEAT DEATH”. so like, really, does it matter that i care about wow lore more than i care about marriage?

i mean, i guess i should have a career, but i dont really know what i could be capable of doing. i dont know if it’s mental illness or discipline or what but even if like metzen himself was like “come work at blizzard!” i would still probably just collapse into a heap of worthlessness and fear. 

i dont know what i fear. i guess i fear that im wasting my time, and by spending my time in another world i dont have to worry about how im spending time in this one. and that’s really, really bad. i dont like that.

i have to make this world worth living in. i have been trying. but i havent gotten very far. in fact, i took some steps backward.

from the edge of the cliff, so... i guess that’s forward in some ways.

[daisy--sorbet]

no one cares but uhhh time 4 some kh3 opinions

god i love olympus. it was a rly nice world to be reintroduced to and i actually rly loved whats essentially a tutorial level.

and while im sorta implying game mechanics - i actually rly love the way kh3 plays. the fighting feels pretty fluid imo and i really love formchanges a lot more than i did in kh2

and by formchanges i mean

just. i guess just the formchanges from shooting star and hunny spout - more shooting star tho bc its just. rly fun to nyoom around 

uhhhhh what else

im sad abt twilight town bc it was one of my fave worlds in kh2 tbh and now its just. its so tiny. its gorgeous but its just so small and i would have loved to be able to see the usual spot at the very least???

HAYNER. PENCE. OLETTE. i love them. especially hayner tryin 2 fuckin kick ansem sod like u stupid boy i love u

also i never expected to love ienzo as much as i do but i love him w my entire god damn heart. a cute dude. 10/10 i can and will die for him

and speaking of characters i love a lot: demyx, axel, and larxene are all still <3333 for me. axel and demyx have been since 2, and larxene started w 3 and intensified when i met her in kh re:com because ugh she could literally slam me against a wall and i’d be heart eyes emoji at her

listen i loved playing as riku in 3D and i wish i could play as him more.

AQUA. MY GIRL. i loved fighting as her even tho i nearly died in the process once or twice but-

also!!!! waking ven up!!!!!! my boy!!!! i love ventus so much and hes probably one of my fave characters its just <333 to see my boy awake again

possibly also intensified by the fact i recently beat bbs and watched him sleeb

i already shared my thoughts on the paopu scene.

uh back 2 worlds

i think my fave worlds so far would be a huge tie between the kingdom of corona and san fransokyo??? which... im probably biased because i rly love tangled and bh6 but

i love eugene so much sdfkjhsdf hes just. one of my fave disney guys honestly.

and UHHH

TWO??? BAYMAXES???? i was so excited when i saw both of them bc baymax has been one of my favorite characters for a while now and bh6 is still one of my fave movies even tho i desperately need to rewatch it soon.

i tried to get a pic of hiro being hugged by both of them just so i could send it to a pal and say “god i wish this were me” but sdkfsdhf

uhhh least favorite world out of all of them is definitely the caribbean :/// FUCK luxord and that boat race. it was bullshit and i lost too many times bc i literally like. had the tutorial on how to steer boat and i went “oh no. ohhh no. oh no.” because i Knew what was coming because you dont just introduce new mechanics like that without putting in some kind of challenge with them tbh :/

but no, seriously, this world literally ruined any sort of replayability for me??? like. i’d replay the game, but i’d get to the caribbean and go “oh fuck, not this part” and die i guess

arendelle was.... ok. not my favorite world, but not my least favorite in the series at all. i wish they could have done more.

100 acre wood felt... rushed. im glad they included it bc theyve had it in every game im p sure??? or at least in most of them. i do love the minigames and its still a good happy place 

ALSO. SPEAKING OF 100 ACRE WOODS AND MINIGAMES

i got so excited to see remy in twilight town 

mr ratatouille im a huge fan

(idk how many ppl i dmed that with 0 context and they were like “ok then” but it was a lot)

monstropolis was fun! i grew up watching monsters inc a thousand times w my brother so it was just another <333 nostalgia thing for me 

TOY BOX WAS LIKE. VERY MIXED FOR ME??? i love the world and what it is, but i didnt enjoy certain parts of it

mainly also that opening bc that commercial confused me a lot before it was revealed to be a commercial

lets talk forms.

toy box sora: good design imo. very cute. 

monstropolis sora: also very cute. his lil tail...

the caribbean sora: honestly, as much as i hate this world, i absolutely adore this design??? hes so cute and he actually fits in with the world because kh2... the contrast there is rly funny sfkjjshf

uhhhhhh main complaint: can we talk about the writing in this game? mainly the female characters?

i was hoping for badass kairi. shes a keyblade wielder for christs sake! but instead shes stuck in another pretty pink dress and shoved into the background.

and while we’re on kairi: i wanna know more about her friendship with axel??? 

i actually really like concepts brought up with aqua. she stayed hopeful for so long, anti-aqua was an interesting concept! im also an awful person who likes to break characters sometimes for the development it brings but something tells me not much is going to come from this. she was left alone down there for so long, and when she had a shot at potentially escaping, she lost it. :(

thank u san fransokyo for giving us some good gals. i love go-go and honey lemon a lot since hell yea!!! smart gals kickin ass!!! love them.

i feel ROBBED of having elsa as a companion. i guess it makes sense but i was hoping to have her fuck shit up after accepting her ice powers bc her kingdom was in trouble Or Some Shit like cmon man :(

also why was the entirety of let it go in kh3. it looks so good but why.

were there any other female characters??? olette im relatively ok w since shes not supposed to be some super strong fighter or anything im p sure - and the other female characters in different worlds either didnt stand out enough for me to have any feelings towards

sora feels... off in this game. so does riku. idk what it is, but...

OH

THE DYNAMICS BETWEEN SORA, DONALD, AND GOOFY???

they’re so good.

i was smiling so hard at the “just like your face!” joke because it was so DUMB but it was so CUTE and i love the three of them being good pals and making dumb jokes together

i also love mickey and riku havin a good friendship there.

even if i did make the “mickeyriku is canon” joke when they reunited at the end of 2. it was purely to stop myself from crying.

but idk as much as i love sora, donald, and goofy gettin some good friendship stuff in - it feels like

thats where all the focus was for sora’s friendships? like.

idk he doesnt really talk to kairi or riku as far as i remember???? more kairi than riku but like. still. theyre supposed to be two of his closest friends tht he grew up with, and yet he doesnt??? really make any comments abt communicating w them from what i can remember???

like. the most he had was calling riku i think? and then going to the realm of darkness to get riku and the king back.

i wonder how much of the kh3 plot would change if we took kairi out

huh