#its like hes playing 4d chess every time he has a conversation with anyone

[springcatalyst]

julian is so fucking sucks and i like it but. god does it make him impossible to write sometimes

[snakeliciousbaby]

Jump on the Sword Knight: Xander Harris and Suicidal Habits

Two of Xander's most beloved traits are that of his bravery and his loyalty. But I haven't heard anyone talk about another big trait of Xander's. Xander is generally suicidal with no self worth, and his 'white knight' habits are actually just self destructive ones, just badly defined.

I often see his moments in the Zeppo and Grave talked about as "xander at his best" and "very brave actions" but like. They're not particularly healthy moments, and they're not exceptions either. Over the entire course of the show, Xander shows a continued lack of concern for his own safety and life, sometimes shown by him jumping in front of a ray with no idea what it does, or more rarely, with him spelling it out for the audience.

One of the first big times we see him act this way is in Prophecy girl, where he refuses to listen to every adult who tells him going after Buffy is a death wish, and instead forces his way after her anyway.

Angel spells out that it's a suicide mission to him, and Xander ignores him entirely. He's perfectly fine with losing his life, as long as it can be vaguely justifed as benificial for someone he cares about.

Or of course, there's the scene everyone looks at fondly. Xander's little speech in the Zeppo, finished by this statement.

Which. Is just straight up an acceptance of death. As he says earlier to Jack, he knows he can't make it out anymore. Its simply a test with who's more okay with dying. And surprise surprise, it's Xander!

What's especially telling about both these scenes is that,,,xander never tells anyone about them. Xander's immediate instinct to help people is to die for them, but he doesn't go around saying so. And when he does have these moments,,he never talks about them. His conversation in Prophecy girl, and all he events of Zeppo remain a secret.

But are there any times where Xander is explicitly suicidal in a non life or death scenario? In fact, Yes! There's The Replacement.

Xander's bad qualities include clumsiness, low self esteem...and also his complete lack of self worth and consequential suicidal habits. He doesn't know who he's giving this life away to! He thinks it's a demon!!

And yet to him, he thinks that demon deserves it more than him, and that in this case, dying will help his friends. Even if, in this case, that 'help' is replacing him with a better version of himself.

And that's not the end of the suicidal habits in The Replacement! The conflict in the episode comes from him jumping in front of a mystery beam meant for buffy. Jumping in front of a beam to protect your friend with super slayer strength and healing, with your weak human body. Not the smartest decision!

And then, the idea that both his sides hate each other at first sight, and both try and kill each other immedietly?

Not the happiest implications!

Then of course, there's the other famous Xander scene. His speech to dark willow. And yet, while he brags about this speech in Same Time Same place, talking about the yellow crayon...he leaves out the other parts.

This continues his trend of not ever mentioning these actions to his friends. As if even he's subconsiously aware that they probably wouldn't aprove, and might be concerned for him.

Xander's plan here in Grave can be boiled down to: Well guess I'll die!

Which, as shown in the other examples, is the plan he defaults to. He doesn't care if willow kills him, he'll still love her. He's worth nothing, so if he can help her in anyway through his death, he's ready and willing to do it.

He doesn't think this is gonna work!! He's not playing 4d chess here, that's giles! This is just the admittance that, again, he's fine with her killing him, he's fine with dying.

This isn't the end of it though. Selfless is, justly named, another example of this kind of behavior. Xander runs in to "help" anya, except this helping can be summarised by trying to get between a slayer with a sword, and an immortal demon. And when D'Hoffyrn is threatening to kill anya..

Xander argues that anya is dumb for giving up her life....then immediately volutunteers himself implicitly. Her life is worth something, so it'd be foolish to give it up, while his on the otherhand, is perfect for taking.

This is another episode where in the show, someone compares Xander's actions to those of a knight's, with D'Hoffyrn calling him "gallant". Just as with Angelus, who is the one who first calls him a "white knight" for protecting Buffy's hospital room with his life, both statements come from 'people' who don't know or understand Xander.

These statements cloud the audience's view as well, because it is an attempt to reclassify these actions as "heroic", or even "selfish". Angelus is implying he's doing it to win Buffy, while D'Hoffyrn is implying he has nothing but pure healthy motivations. Both are incorrect.

Xander's motivations are arguably selfless, wanting to help his friends, but are fueled by a lack of self worth, which comes from years of abuse and being talked down to by every adult he encountered. Therefore they manifest in self destructive habits which can barely be defined as Heroic, when really they're a cry for help.

These habits are apparent all throughout the show, in smaller moments as well as the bigger ones.

Xander skates the line between chasing death and simply accepting it passively, depending on what he thinks needs to be done to "help" his friends.

His actions in these episodes, Prophecy Girl, Zeppo, Replacement, Grave, and so on, are not Xander at his best, but Xander at his most clearly unhealthy, and should serve as the red flags needed to go "uh oh, this boy really needs therapy!"