#its later. mabye even years later. that i do think hell feel sad about cipher

[wingsofivory]

Now here's the thing, I do agree that at that moment, bill had nothing to do with it... but that's what makes it interesting.

The sadness had nothing to do with bill. Not at all, but just because it didn't at that moment doesn't mean he didn't later.

Hear me out. Ford spend over 30 years in survival mode. 30 years fighting and hating bill. 30 years with out a moment to greive what he thought he had. To greive over the lie. Personally, I don't think their relationship is unconventional at all, at the core of it. Extreame, sure. But the emotions involved are realistic. I think it makes perfect sense, both the hatred he felt and if Ford felt sad later. I don't think he felt sad then, or at basically any time in the last 30 years. But he had no time to go through that healing process, not once in 30 years. Hate is what kept him alive. He needed to hate, because he needed it to live. To keep going in the dangerous situation he was in.

The brain, it knows how to prioritize pain. You aren't going to focus on a dislocated shoulder if you were stabbed in the gut, right? Because the shoulder can wait, the stab wound can't. But let's say the stab wound starts healing? When you're safe from dying, it's not like that shoulder is magically healed. And the brain will start focusing on the things that aren't healing.

The brain does this for psychological trauma too. It will put all the other trauma on the back burner if something more important needs to be focused on. But if that thing starts healing? You better believe it will dredge that stuff up.

For 30 years, the fact bill was alive was the biggest threat, the stab wound. Hate is the pain that keeps you focused on the deadly thing. Hate is what's gonna keep you fighting the thing trying to kill you and your family and the world. At the moment he pulled the trigger on Stan, he felt nothing but hate for Bill.

Actually I'm not even sure he hated Bill at that moment. I think he felt nothing about bill. I like to think he was so devastated about Stan that he probably felt nothing but that, for at least a second. Not even hatred. Just a pain so strong that even the hate that never left your thoughts for 30 years meant nothing to him. Only the pain of losing your brother.

Later though? In the dark of night, after it all settles down and finally, it starts to settle in that he is safe?

I bet the good times haunt him, just as much as the bad. I bet he does miss him, does feel sad. Because it's normal to greive for the person you thought someone was, grieve that they aren't real.

I bet Ford greives. And i bet he hates himself for it.

i love that out of every moment ford is on screen, the saddest we see him is directly after erasing stan's mind. not only has he just lost his brother, but he's also just killed bill- the being who his life used to be completely devoted to. for all the arguments he and stan have had and all the unresolved elements of their past, ford feels just as awful about losing stan as stan felt after ford was sucked into the portal. and despite the literal torture he's just endured from bill, ford still can't forget all of the good times they had together; the karaoke nights and the moments of vulnerability, the chess games and the feeling of having a partner. because bill may be the most toxic ex imaginable, but that doesn't mean ford won't miss him. he hesitates pulling the trigger, and he's miserable when he does.

ford is so guarded so much of the time. he works alone, he trusts no-one, and he builds walls that are next to impossible to break down. and yet, in this scene, there are so many silent tells on just how distraught he is. ford saves the world. but in doing so, he erases the centers of his.