#its just that i wasnt paying attention earlier and imagined him as like a generic fairytale prince/knight and then realized oh he has TALON

[fairycheol]

STILL MONSTER ; PARK SUNGHOON

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐: 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠

prev masterlist next

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐯𝐚𝐦𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐞!𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐱 ???𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐨𝐜

𝐜𝐰: 𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 )𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐧𝐨𝐰…), 𝐬𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐣𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐬

𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐤 = 𝐣𝐢𝐧𝐫𝐢’𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐞 𝐛𝐥𝐮𝐞 = 𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐧’𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞

Sunghoon wasn’t entirely sure what was wrong with him this morning. He had woken up way earlier than usual and his entire body ached.

Letting out a groan he carried himself up from the comfort of his bed and sat with his head in his hands.

Something’s wrong, I don’t know what it is but I can feel it.

★彡

After spending 30 minutes just wallowing in his thoughts, Sunghoon finally headed to the bus stop for school all on his own.

Usually he had Jake or Jay with him but this time he just wanted to be alone.

Decelis was a night school, yes, but the orientation classes took place during the day. Which meant he’d be taking the bus with kids from other schools… like Sunnyside, Decelis’ Academy’s biggest rival.

At the bus stop he notices, K, a nightball player for Sunnyside already sitting on one of the two benches. Sunghoon pays him no attention as he walks past him to sit on the opposite bench, leaning against the glass that created shelter over the bus stop.

A number of minutes had passed when Sunghoon’s sharp ears caught the sound of footsteps and heavy breathing heading towards his general direction. He turned his head with a bored look on his face to notice a girl around his age running towards the bus stop.

It was impossible for him to clearly make out her face from how bright the sun was so early in the morning, but the second she leaned over to catch her breath Sunghoon felt his own catch in his throat.

Standing only a couple feet away from him was an exact carbon copy of his deceased girlfriend. How was this possible?!

There was no room for questions because the bus had arrived in a matter of minutes.

Sunghoon watched with dark eyes as K and his girl-, ex girlfriend, talked and laughed about god knows what.

Maybe this isn’t her and I’m just imagining it, yeah I’m imagining it. I didn’t get any good sleep last night.

“Well, I’ll see you around Jinri.” K was the first of many students to get off the bus, he waved a hand towards the girl and once he was out of Sunghoon’s sight he was finally able to get a good look of the girl sitting across from him.

Her dark hair was shorter than he remembered it to be. It lay in delicate curls over her shoulders with her side bangs being held by an assortment of hair clips. Her uniform blazer was a maroon color and her skirt was pitch black. Her Mary Jane’s did little to cover her fluffy socks.

And as weird as it may sound, she smelled the same. Like a flurry of sweet candy that had memories flooding through Sunghoon’s brain, both the good and bad ones.

He continued to stare daggers into the girls face even as she turned to look at him. Her head tilted in confusion, observing the serious boy in front of her.

Their awkward staring contest carried on for a few minutes before Jinri finally spoke.

“Uhm… excuse me?” Huh? Is she talking to me?Sunghoon thought looking around before pointing a finger at himself.

“Are you talking to me?” He asked

“Yes I’m talking to you, could you maybe… I don’t know stop staring at me. It’s making me really uncomfortable.”

Sunghoon wasnt sure what made him say these next words but he would come to instantly regret them.

“What makes you think I’m looking at you? Nothing interesting to look at.“ Sunghoon scoffed, kicking off the back of a random seat he leaned against and scrambled off the bus before she could talk back.

What the hell!

“AGGH!! What the hell Park Sunghoon why would you say that?!?!“ He yelled into the open air, pulling at his hair and ignoring the weird looks he was getting from other students.

This year was supposes to be good. Now its started to go up in flames.

[chiakismp]

tsukki with a "clingy" s/o

i am a "clingy" person and i hate being called clingy bc i am just touch starved loll

dont b scared to send me requests pls

warnings : angst, cussing

angst under the cut ~

tsukishima had been avoiding you recently, also acting weird. he had avoided yamaguchi and hung out with other boys who looked like gang bangers or some weird shit. you didnt know what was going on and you never had the chance to ask him. if you texted something to him he'd always say, "not rn, y/n. im busy." it hurt your heart a lot.

"tsukki?" you pop your head in tsukishimas classroom door to see if he was there.

you saw him sitting with 3 other boys, they were talking loud and tsukishima didnt hear you call for him. you were about to call his name again before he said something that truly broke your heart.

"she's so clingy... always texting me and shit.."

you froze. clingy? that wasnt really your goal. your goal was to be the best girlfriend and make tsukishima happy. there were many more beautiful girls he could have chosen, you know that, but he chose you. and, he had decides to call you clingy?

"tsukishima.." you sigh and put yourself in the room.

your eyes are watery, your voice is shaky, but you try to hide it.

"y/n? what do you want?" tsukishima asked.

"n-nothing, i was just wondering if we could hang out later?"

"im busy later," tsukishima lets out a small laugh and turns around.

you try to hold in your tears as you run down the hall. you can feel people staring at you as you run. you had just wanted tsukishima to love you back. you tried hugging him, kissing him, cooking for him, etc. he payed absolutely no attention to you. you deserved better, yet you were too dumb to realize that you could leave him and find someone better.

you run to your house and cry, tears wouldnt stop rolling down your cheeks. you couldn't stop them even if you wanted to. all you wanted was tsukishima; you needed him. he was your other half; so very perfect in your eyes. no matter what, you had wanted to be there for him.

you roll your sleeves over your hand and attenpt to get rid of your tears. not only that, it was your 1 year anniversary together. you had hoped he would remember beforehand but he hadnt. you thought he would go back to normal and give you an amazing gift. or just spend the day with you. but no. he chose to forget about it and instead do drugs or whatever the fuck his friends were leading him to.

you hear a small knock on your door. you quickly wipe your tears as much as you can and run to open the door.

"hel- oh. tsukishima, what brings you here?" you sigh.

"you said you wanted to hang out," he pushes up his glasses. "why do your eyes look.. fat?"

you rub you eyes, "its nothing. and- uh, i-i heard you say something earlier.."

"what, exactly?"

"y-you said i was..., clingy," you take a breath to contain your tears from falling out.

"yeah, youre fucking clingy. its annoying, dont you think?" tsukishima scoffs. "imagine if i clinged onto you 24/7."

"i dont mean to come off as annoying, i-" you feel tears roll down your soft cheeks.

"well you did, congratulations. i dont know why you dont give me atleast some space to fuckung breath. youre always thinking about yourself and not how i feel," tsukishima spits.

"i always think about how you feel! i try my best to make you happy and-"

"shut up, you act like thats gonna make me happy. giving me barely any space to breath would make NO man happy, got that?"

"tsukishima! i wanted to make you happy but all you do is treat me like shit! why dont you go talk to the popular whores that your friends always gaze at. maybe it'll help you fit in more. they wont be as clingy as me, theyll give you space and talk to other men," you cry.

"maybe i will? they're better than you'll ever be!" tsukishima yells.

"dont fucking compare me to those shit heads. theyre way more prettier, smarter, and just better in general. go fuck them or whatever. tell your friends you finally got rid of your shitty girlfriend. thatd make you so happy, wouldnt it?" you scream, tears falling down you cheeks.

"y/n." tsukishima tries to grab your arm.

"dont fucking touch me!" you slap his arm and run up to your room.

"y/n! youre not shitty! i was just mad and reflected it on you! the volleyball team isnt doing so good right now and i was so frustrated, please y/n... i'm sorry. i didnt mean to imply i wanted to hook with the other girls. you're perfect in my eyes." tsukishima runs behind you and sighs.

"fuck off, tsukishima." you could hear your small muffled cries.

"fine, y/n.. I'll leave you alone.."

ee im so bad at angst

part 2 here!!

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

ah yeah, i think quarentine has given people some opportunity to actually just sit with the person they are, rather than be rushing around for the person they want to become. its good you got smth good out of isolation! ah thats great! hope you had fun and ur partner in crime speeds back home so you can get out more hehe.

ah yeah ty, good suggestions.

hmm good point, i was sort of putting it separate to the whole not-sexualising thing, but yeah. mmm yeah i totally agree, some of the enhypen fics/imagines *shudder* and even reading innie stuff is just a bit *icky* cos everyone still thinks of him as our agi ppang. yeah def would be good but sadly this just seems to be the world we live in. :(

ah yes the holy masterlist (not sarc) i have actually read in the rain and gladius maximus before, but ill go look for in class! oooh thats good! character development lol. hmmmm yes champagne problems was the angst to end all angst, that shit hurt. it was actually one of the first of your fics i read and i recall almost crying over the whole thing, it was so heartbreaking, i can see how it almost made you want to drop angst. good that youve allowed yourself some lee-way tho :)

hehe thats so cool. okay here we go, ill try not to be mortally offended (/hj)

cheese - yes same, i liked it but that was all there was, it wasnt a super standout track. it was rlly underwhelming for me but some of the hook is super catchy so there is Redemption (tm) in store for cheese maybe

thunderous - mmm, yeah at first i totally agreed, i think they suffer from too much good music syndrome, that all their other tracks are such fucking bops its hard to stay at that level of perfection. the choreo was beautiful tho and tbh, the track has grown on me since ive been watching all the vids abt it. its my brothers favourite track

domino - YES GODAMMIT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE TITLE TRACK. the raps, the vocals, the vibes, the fucking domino sound in the back? i would have streamed that shit on repeat. but tbh, as good as it is, it doesnt have that sort of grandness/oomph that skz seems to like in their title tracks so i can see why they chose thunderous (tho domino would have been so good) *sigh*

ssick - yeah same, not my fave track by a long mile, the crowd cheering was a ?strange? choice and the chorus was a bit bare/empty, plus like i mentioned earlier, it was kinda funny to me for some reason but ill still play it if im playing thru the whole album

the view - ahh one of those not like other girls (/j) i honestly think its just a good party song, just a bop to play in the background when nobodys rlly paying much attention. its pretty generic pop music but catchy

sorry, i love you - hehe yeah i thought it was going to be sadder as well, but i rlly loved the fact that they all just got to sing, which almost never happens, i dont think ive heard felix sing for a long time, so i enjoyed it. wasnt rlly a standout track but i just casually like it. looking forward to the fic haha

silent cry - this song i swear, some bits are rlly good and then others are just? why?? it does sound like a dance song tho idk. definitely not one of my faves either

secret secret - YES its so good! its such a chill song and i love their vocals in it. the combination of lo-fi/fake strings backup stuff and their heavenly vocals just makes it *chefs kiss* im listening to it rn and just... its so beautiful. it gives me pumped up another day vibes ya know? like my pace is edgy get cool, this one is energetic another day i feel like. overall i love it

STAR LOST - ah thats so cool! i didnt know that! on first listen this song had a similar vibe to secret secret but then the beat came in and ahh its such a good song. i can totally imagine them putting this song to a concert footage vid, this song is so sweet.

red lights - LMAO YES ITS SO AWKWARD WHY DOES IT GO ON FOR SO LONG ah thats good! yeah good point, its quite intense hehe. but that is my fave trope and this is lowkey my favourite track on the album so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just the combination of hyunjins and chans voices, the backing music, the lyrics ahh red lights my beloved

surfin’ - yes lmao its always a shock, i feel like they should have put gone away in between them, but its such a fun cute song, i cant get rlly mad. yeah, as an aussie i think im contractually obligated to like beaches lol. sand im not such a fan of, but my familys rlly into fishing and my brother loves bodyboarding so we stay at a beach house at least twice a year and we live like 5 mins from 3 different beaches (hehe all aussie cities are on the coast lol) so thats cool. do you like beaches?

gone away - ah gone away my beloved, i love this song sm, its just so pure and showcases their vocals and lyrics so well. yes the pitch change is very out of the blue, i feel liek they went directly from seungmins soft vocals to hans powerful ones which was an interesting choice, but hey, im not complaining

wolfgang - YES IKR ah im so happy he got to be included in that era and song. yeah its such a full on song i cant rlly listen to it if im in a quiet mood but its very motivating :)

hehe mood, i hope they do! ahhh no rest, but at least you wont have to pull a blink and wait a year for any word from the group lol. im not rlly into nct but im excited for them! ah hopefully youll be able to sneak some rest into that chaotic schedule, with enhypen (idk if u stan but yeah) squeezed into it haha

<3 w.a. 🐺

i wheezed at partner in crime, it reminded me of smth. i have a lee know fic in the drafts that i wrote 'in honor' of him (and his departure-ish). i'll tag you when i finish it, if you want. it's a rather hilarious one.

oh my god. based on my experience on the collabs i've joined before, writing explicit shit for '01 & '02 is not accepted (nct's maknaes) but with enha's hyung line '01 & '02 somehow it's okay? i do a double take every time i see fics like those i mean, technically, it's legal but still what the fuck. maybe it's just not for me at the moment. not at us venting our frustration about this. it's just something that's so accepted here that i am (in all honesty) slightly uncomfortable about. but oh well. that's kpop writerblr for you.

man i could've linked all the fics in the ask instead so you wouldn't have to go looking for them! i think i saw you like in class the other day (the fic i renamed into sharp-tongued, god it took me a while to remember the new title). describing champagne problems as an angst to end all angst is one way to put what i was feeling back in december. it just hurt to write and admit?? if that ever happened to me i would prolly cry :d

okay back to the album talk! i love how you answered with more thoughts. i love exchanges like these! i am a victim of the cheese hook and it's now one of my favorite tracks in the album. PLS, TOO MUCH GOOD MUSIC SYNDROME. that's on our self-producing kings 😌💅 also, your brother has taste! as i am typing this, domino's currently playing in my head and i realized that too, that it doesn't have that 'vibe' of a skz title track. honestly, this could be a title track of another group. ssick is starting to grown on me because i found the beats cool kdjsk not the not like other girls 😭 the view is the generic pop that i don't like but i get why a lot of people enjoy it. sorry i love you scratches a certain itch that i find myself singing the first few lines every time i remember it. i too would want to hear felix sing more!

> a mini junction on the album talk bc i got side tracked. on that topic, i want skz to switch positions at some point like i know those allrounders are capable of doing so. specifically, i want to hear seungmin rap!!!! (yk in the recent weekly idol he talked faster than changbin in a challenge and changbin is like the fastest rapper in kpop that's active atm if im not mistaken. my dandy boy has some potential and i want it UNLEASHED.)

back to album talk. silent cry is basically sad music to twerk to. secret secret is definitely one of my favorite tracks :( i loved how you compared the tracks HAJSAH i burst out laughing bc yk what, you're right! i want to make a star lost edit of skz but i simply do not have the time i want to cry. i love the song so much. ok, my dreaded track, red lights. idt i have played the track since we last talked. my friend sent me the lyrics tho and i'm itching to write a twisted au out of it. idk if you're comfortable with yandere but somewhere along those themes. the obsessive type of love that's sweet at first but turns rotten. IMAGINE IF THEY PUT GONE AWAY BETWEEN ASHJA it's like going from 50 shades to the notebook.

i was about to ask if you lived near the coast and you literally mentions it here god im so stupid. yes i LOOOOOOOOOVE beaches so much. living in an archipelago is fun :( i live in a part of the country that's more island than city so every time i want some vitamin sea it's accessible. i heard the waves in australia are great :( anYWHOOO gone away :(( every time it plays im compelled to skip it because it makes me sAD AND NOWADAYS I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO BE SAD. contrary to you, i dislike my quiet moods because i tend to overthink a lot.

i have this little analogy about how there are stays that enjoy songs the generic pop + mellow songs and then there are other stays that enjoy the noisy tracks. in my mind, it's like a perfect balance that makes me feel like all the tracks are loved in the end. just by different people.

PULL A BLINK. bro i fucking hate yg entertainment. they have the biggest kpop girl group LOCKED in their basement when they could be (and i mean this in the most business-like way not morally) milking money of the quad. they're yg's biggest hope at not being bankrupt atm so it's a damn fucking mystery to me as to how they aren't doing anything. (jk i just realized lisa solo album soon, but i still need a ot4 cb hELLO)

i stopped looking forward to the teasers. rest > kpop boys. i don't want to sound like a cult member but have you tried checking out nct? are they just not your thing? (i get it tho, that's one hard group to get into). and yes i do stan enhypen!

wow i love how long these asks are! they're like online penpals. but i also want to ask about you! how have you been lately? are you feeling okay both mentally and physically? how's the weather there? do you have anything that you want to talk about? maybe an interesting book you read? feel free to bring up anything you want to share! i'm getting conscious about talking about myself HAJHSJ

and yet another long answer B) i am sooo sorry T___T should these ask exchanges feel draining to you, feel free to stop sending them in AAAA

[pacman-tattoo]

Hi! I have a headcanon request- how would Sincerely Three interact with their soulmates in the AU where whatever one person writes on themselves would show up on the other's skin? Thanks so much!

omg this is cute and u said soulmate au and im automatically in love

gonna put this under a readmore

also im assuming u mean x reader but if u want like, actual ship Sincerely Three (because i love them a lot tbh), just ask again and be like ‘tris ur dumb’

evan hansen

alright so u met evan once after u kept scribbling little notes to yourself like “work on english paper” and “buy more pens” 

eventually that stuff got smudged and u forgot until all of a sudden there was a “did you do your english paper?” in small, neat handwriting

:0

no, but thank you!

it basically becomes just little reminders to each other and then u just kinda realize

u dont even know ur soulmates name

so u introduce urself and evan responds back with his name and

its kind of familiar???

huh

where do u know this oven handsoap evan hansen

shrug

‘evan?’

‘h-here’

oh my god what the fuck he’s been in ur math class all year how the FUCK did you not notice

‘[y/n]?’

‘uh, here’

evan and u make eye contact because wait.

‘it u’

after class u two introduce urselves to each other formally tbh

jareds jealous btw because wow evan found his soulmate wtf

evan sometimes scribbles on his arm sometime to remember stuff

sometimes u doodle on urself and evan finds it cute like, no matter how good or bad it is??

imagine like

in the future

moving in together

sometimes u go grocery shopping and u just have evans neat lil handwriting on ur arm of everything u need to get

sometimes u get lil ‘i love you’s on ur arm after a while??? and its rly sweet??? bless

evan tends to write in blue ink btw

usually light blue if he can but dark/regular blue ink is also fine

u caught him once doodling a tree on his arm.

why was he doodling a tree? heck if u know

u just caught the tree on ur arm and ur like ‘fuck thats adorable’

jared kleinman

u and jared probably met when u two were like, 13, since jared was probably drawing on himself or some shit and u were like ‘kleinman i fucking see u, stop drawing dicks’

he snorted a lil and then had to pretend he wasnt doing shit when ppl looked his way

13 year old boys tho, guys gals n nonbinary pals.

u two probably clicked pretty quickly

u dont end up dating until like, sophomore year tbh

but after that u two are inseparable

“charge ur phone, idiot”

“shut up kleinman”

“love u”

“love u too dumbass”

jared would 100% be the person who would just start writing on himself and then he sees ur not replying so he just texts u 

“write back”

he has drawn at least one (1) meme on himself

just

u fuckin look down and theres a fucking meme on ur arm

“jared im gonna fucking kill u”

ok but just casual little messages to each other

ur going over to jareds? u get a note on ur arm thats basically “get more gummy bears” or some shit

evan just watches u and jared furiously writing on urselves

what are u two even saying

he doesn’t know

he just knows that u two go through pens rly quickly

everyone knows

u two go to the store and argue about what color pens u wanna buy

playing lil games like hangman on urselves tho

connor murphy

can i just link maia’s soulmate au because nothing i say can top it because its a really realyl fucking beautiful piece of writing and i love it a lot and y’all should read it. heck, ask me and i’ll link u to it and her account if u dont know her already (she’s on hiatus as of rn i believe but her writing is

no? okay

so connor strikes me as the kind of person who just draws on himself because paying attention??? no

who pays attention anymore

not connor

so u just get doodles. so many doodles.

u dont rly mind

its cool

connors surprised that he has a soulmate bc eventually u write back a ‘i like ur art’

connor’s actually in ur english class.  which is the only class he doesn’t doodle on himself

ok do urself a favor and stop reading and go read maia’s soulmate au because its a thousand times better than anything i can come up with

thank u

dumb 3 am talks

dumb reminders to each other

dumb doodles 

u write little reminders to him a lot more than he does u

ok but seriously go read maia’s soulmate au because its perfect

heck

ask me

and i will straight up link it to u

bonus! all three ;)

so one day u notice theres writing on your hand. it’s a little smudged and it’s basically like “ask mom for refill on pills” or something small like that and ur like ‘huh’

u dont write back to that specific one at first but later u looked at ur hand and saw that whatever ink the person had been using is much more smudged and ur like ‘huh i wonder if they ever got their meds’

so u write down ur forearm asking

immediately theres a ‘what? i dont take meds’ in very quick, neat handwriting

and ur just like ?? before theres… more handwriting that actually matches the question from earlier

‘no, i didn’t! thank you’

‘wait evan what the fuck’

‘that wasnt you?’

‘no’

‘or connor?’

… evan??? connor????

theres a brief period where no one writes anything

then all of a sudden u get a “so who the fuck are u”

“[y/n]”

ok.

yall kind of assign ink colors just so u all know whos writing what sometimes

like, yeah handwriting but its easier just to know ‘oh, connor is trying to say something’ bc theres purple ink on ur arm

connor is purple, jared is green, evan is blue

ur ink tends to be red

dumb writing at 2 am

its mainly between u and connor and sometimes jared

but sometimes evan writes

usually he’s asleep tho

why dont u kids text

for the au.

thats the only reason

its basically chaos

u… actually live away from them and one weekend ur like ’fuck it, im driving out to meet these losers’

so u tell em

holy shit ur coming to meet them

:0 so they offer to meet u somewhere???

a la mode

best ice cream 

bless

so u punch it into google maps and an hour later u see like

three fucking nerds standing around outside

ur sitting in ur car

so u just write

‘hey fuckfaces’

they just

all look around like ‘wtf’

u get out of the car

formal introductions

they’re all???? cute??? is this fuckn legal

they… look like how they write?

does that make sense

like. evan’s handwriting is small and neat and kinda smudgy at times - and he just… looks like a nervous bean to you. jared’s is quick and sloppy and ends up taking more space than a paragraph from connor does - and jared looks like the sort of dude full of personality. connor’s handwriting is small and runs together and kinda unreadable sometimes and it just

they look like how they write

its weird idk

u all end up getting ice cream and talking

finally u guys actually like

exchange numbers

since u keep getting shit about ink poisoning

so sometimes u will drive out to see these dorks

what kind of luck did u have that you ended up only a town away tbh

uh

general headcanons

warmest cuddle sessions

dumb notes to each other

includes memes

‘jared just text it-’ ‘no’

u just get ‘come visit us u fuck’ on ur arm once

writing on urselves when ur all int he same room

and literally sitting right next to each other

zoe walked in and she’s just like ‘… okay.’

u have a bad day? u take a nap

u wake up and theres a lot of just lil lovely things written on ur arms???

sweet dorks

(and at least 1 meme)

(because theres always 1 meme)

thats all i got

[11toe11-blog]

No autocorrect. e for stickie

“Thats such a good lesson. On patience” he says. After yanking out two of the sapota seeds he had to lovingly planted. Its sticking out of the mud, may be i should pushi it back inside, something is not right, let me pull it out and see whats going on he must have thought. And the two of the early earnets, reposnding to his watering dropped dead. Thats the garden as the zen master i suppose. 

The very change that we water and nourish, when it starts expressing, we wonder why it is not how it is supposed to be - familiar, buried deep in the soil and my role to keep watering. Or final, green and with a leaf on it. The inbetweens where its neither this or that, uncertain. I assume im a doing something wrong.

I notice that as a programme running when i am doing my body work. A sense that i am not paying attention where i should be paying attention. I notice the feeling and when it dissolves more attention is generally availble and flowing.

I am feeling like now. Oh! This is not what i wanted to start the post with. 

Its because R is around. Otherwise i would be more contemplative. I should have this, i should have that. I havent this, i havent that. 

And its not entirely just the whiner programme. Had i woken up early i would ahve had more quiet time. But for that i have to sleep early. 

Now that it is what it is, i didnt sleep early, i didnt wake up early, things arent going picture perfect, but they are not bad either. A chunck of the sticky can see that. Its sticking. Stuck like resin onto how it should have been. This is the  cant-let-it-go resin.  Can let anything go. Want to stick to everything and anything passing by.  Like an ocptopus with a million legs and holding on to everyhthing passing by and being pulled in infiinte direction.s 

Imagine if it suddenly lets go, what a whack it would get from all its legs combined recoil. 

Methi paratha. Would go very well with the garlic pickle he is making. 

Where is this

Where is that 

Incessant. Wont look. Cant see.

I havent been making sprouts for a while. Nor micro greens. 

I like the kichen counter to be clean. Spot less. A few 

You this. You that. 

A clean kitchen counter whre we can cook. 

Its a small counter and i need it clean. Right now its a clutter.

You this you that

This is like this This is like that

Where have i seen this play out in loop. My mother. R has turned into my mother this morning. R keeps turning into my mother. 

That when i hate him. Hate is strong. Intensely dislike. When he keeps driving home this point of how one is not doing what what one is supposed to be doing. That what and who one is,  isnt ideal. 

This was beginining to feel like a whiny pointless post with zero insight. 

And R calls up his mom to ask if she minds  onion in the kadala curry he is making. We are taking puttu and kadala over with us when we go to visit them today.  I would have thought it odd the affection he bestows on his mother. And early on when i met him, he wasnt so expressive with his affection towards his parents. A 54 year old man being being possibly moer affectionate with his mom that i am with mine. Is actually such a wonderful and beautiful thing. In my own conditioning, formed by acerbic relations between my mom and her mom-in-law and my father’s absence, that i never got a clear idea of my fathers relationship with his mother. What  do i mean by that? I suppose we form neural pathways of expectations based on what we are exposed to. Somewhere in my liberal hyper-independent idea of the free woman, modelled along the independent man,  was one who didnt need anyone. And so it seems strange, for the adult man to express his affection for his aged mother. He can take care of the financial and social obligations et al. But to express geniune affection outwardly. How unstoic. 

ANd how human. To actually accept and acknowlege ones need for this primary connection to the world. Than hide it in thick layers of indifference and independence as expression of masculinity. 

And somewhere, the articulation of the Oedipus complex lurks suspiciously, watching out for abnormality in everything and everyone. That if one thing that has been named and labelled, and its all just that. 

I know that its my own possessive tendencies and programming that assumes that every ounce of the adult male’s attention must be and must only be directed towards his “legal” mate.

Ah. There were are inching closer and notice the familiar subject in the horizon. Envy. 

Yesterday when R said he was intensely attracted to E at some point in the exercise which was to gaze into the eyes of another, a stranger or friend for 10 minutes, i felt the sensations. Bubbling that demanded more space. Didnt want touch. Words that came out first - was to reassert power. “I know, i sensed it then”. And its true, i am quite sensitivve and i may have sensed it then and it may have had its effects on the evening. Sure. 

But what was remarkable was how my viewing expereince of the film that E made, (and it was while watching the film that R made this statement) shifted ever so slightly. My neutral viewing and expereince of admiration shifted slowly and clearly towards disinterest and and veiled criticism. Basically, to put it simply, i found more faults with the film in the last half an hour after the greens than i did in the whole one hour before that. To the extent that i even found a scene dishonest and without integrity.

Now the question that i wont ever have a real answer to - is if the scene actually had elements that lacked a certain integrity and congruent with the position taken by the maker. And my envy allowed for a critical lens, or a wiping out of rose tinted admiration?

Or it was a discouloring and distrotion of the viewing experince, from the sensations expereinced?

I dont know. 

Maybe what i am trying to ask is - is there any use of this sensation or expereince of envy. Does it serve any purpose in the larger sense of things? Because everything does, no, if we go by the idea of interconnectedness. Even the weeds have uses, unknown to us.

The sensation is sure unpleasant. It immediately put a distance between me and R and even E. 

It created a distinct expereince of seperation. And with it came thoughts of security, or more like insecurity. Discrediting the other in someway as being weak. The need to claim, reclaim power. “ yea. When i have hung out with her husband, i was also quite intensely attracted to him”. 

And also raised aloud once again the nature of commitment. Between R and me thats an on going conversation. How does one arrive into a mature sensible relationship. 

Writing is slower today. I shared the blog link with 3 and a half people. And i know this will be read by someone other than me. Earlier there was no such thought at all. 

It is changing the tone of what is being written. At this point atleast.

__

“ Dil mein mere hai Dard-e-disco dard-e-disco” … keeps appearing in head at random moments. Like a tape was left on and the power kept coming on and off. The two lines become backdrops to the most incognruent thoughts. 

I go looking for the source. I dont find it. 

In the play - 

The character goes looking for the source of the song that fills the scene, and keeps looking and doesnt find it.

In another play, as ina thiriller , the song is the red color coating the pill. The memory that needs to placed into the slot to rewire the expereince of reality. Of joy. Or rights and wrongs. Of this one girl and hence of the collective. The logic is a lot  like inception. 

__

Ok. time to wrap. Dissatisfaction .

That the future gaze of another is coloring my expereince of perceiving and expressing. Maybe thats the distance between the master and the novice. The future gaze of another, for the master is also the future gaze of herself. The other not seperate from the self. And the novice rolls in the muck of otherness. 

Rolling nice long distances made by the idea of such a seperation. Making huge spaces. And feeling small. Pretending to be big and feeling small.

I have had more backspaces operating today than i have ever in the recents. 

Ok so envy makes some space and distance on one plane, while clingling like resin on another plane. Two opposite properties belonging to the same idea. Thats also another interpretation of duality.

HUnger hunger.

I go eat and make puttu.

I really hope i do my exercises in the evening. My knees need it. ANd not keep it off to the next morning - because only mornings are perfect. And if i cant do it in the morning i can nver do it, nonsense. 

Afternoon today mom starts stitchinging classes with me. 

We pulled out almost a hundred bed sheets from the trunk in the outhouse. Apparently, they are some 40-50 years old. Belonging to R’s grandmom. 

Quite timely that R opened the trunks. We intend to keep some sheets for us, and for people who visit and some for the stiching classes and send the rest to La. Maybe there will still be enough to generally give away. 

R and Rc are bantering int he kitching. Waiting for some sense of satisfactiong and lcarity i stick onto the word doc. Inspite of raging hunger and the smell and sight of mangoes. 

Ok thats it. Today is this. Just observe it. Guilts. Nothing to do. Just watch. 

_

I entered. I apologize if i pushed it. I have sense that i may have. Or treated it casually.

I ask for forgiveness. And i forgive. As a student would. 

I leave now. To return wiser tomorrow.