#its hard when ur sweet and kind boyfriend shows up sunday morning with pancakes from brunch bc he loves you
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#tw ed diet#seriously do not keep reading these tags if thats going to be bad for you#tw ed#tw eating disorder#tw mental illness#i. am so. tired. all the time#and people can notice#i have been keeping under like a kind of reasonable calorie limit every day. or at least fucking trying#its hard when ur sweet and kind boyfriend shows up sunday morning with pancakes from brunch bc he loves you#but like damn brother half of the thing you brought home is like 1/3 of my calories for the day! haha#and i already spent some on my fiber one brownie bc i aint poopin#and a protein cookie bc i wanted something sweet#i hate the holidays i hate the holidays i hate#this is like the only thing thats helped me feel even a little okay these last few months#like. new stressful job and wintertime sadness and going back to school next year and money and holidays and friend dying#and no one in my life takes any of these things even a little seriously. so why should i?#i just get to sit here and quietly starve myself under a giant sweater to feel like everythings okay and will be okay#but i am so. so. tired all the time#and cold and i cabt fucking poop even#i am holding on by a goddamn thread and pretending like everything is fine bc people dont like you#when youre grumpy all the time from trying to be so underweight that they cant help but notice#my mom doesnt care about dead friend. made jokes about it#tatsuya thinks im being weird and overreacting bc i wasnt even that close with him? and hes kinda right ig#but i also just stopped talking about it with anyone because none of them would listen anyway#so its just all bottled up inside and thats where itll stay#alongside wanting to feel as empty as possible all the time and pretend to be okay on the outside#i havent been this bad like. maybe ever#even in high school it wasnt this bad. and then me being grumpy was fine bc it was with my family and i was depressed anyway#and i didnt even nnow what i was doing then the way i do now. i do this purposefully now. then id just try to go without eating at all#meredith talks
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