#its great to see house clean and improving himself. theres a lot of good moments with wilson and him and the episodes are quite varied

[manishfiend]

just finished season 6 of house, I think my current season ranking is

4

1

6

2

3

5

[weabbynormalblog]

Be best, OMG- delayed grammatical reaction much? Yes!

~ Cindy Crawford apparently said "Life is where you're at. Whatever you're doing is enough. You don't need to do everything well all the time. When you live your life like that it's a huge relief." I thought some Asian diety said that, oh well.

When you live your life like me...

The bar of excellence, who decides? Where do I start and stop and go go go?

Depending on your disciplines lots of people will test and criticize you throughout your life. That's not where I live anymore. I'm not teaching business standards or photoshop.

I can't live a life in waiting to get better either!

I'll draw the line at health, let's say. Yes I'm healthy considering all my issues. I am handicapped. I'm not totally physically independent and that does bother me for lots of reasons. To even go for a walk takes time to get ready. There's braces, supports and crutches. I do try my best all the time!#!+@??#&$!=/. Yoga🙌.

The reality is I can't just jump in the car or walk out the door and go off somewhere last minute. I suppose I could, but I don't see the point in going anywhere, getting lost for no reason or wasting precious time and energy on negative pursuits. I always need a reason, plan and route since the accident. I need brain aids for all kinds of things and sometimes physical support too. I'd be 1 hand out of the grave before I actually ask for help. Darn brain, I love you, hang in there!!! It's physically painful to go for drive between neck/back issues. I'm limited. There I said it. Like today, my head can not turn left(pinched nerve) add that Vertigo and Anxiety; it's not a smart move on my part. If I am angry? I'm already too impaired with my brain to drive. I must be realistic and thoughtful of others. Lives can be lost ~ RIP my peeps. Unfortunately there's people on the road that probably should not be driving. It won't be me. I know when I am at risk of injury. I listen to my body. I know when I've reached extended maxium capacity. I have to stop or my body will just give out right here.

This is my life now. I know it will only cause me more grief and heart ache to continue the comparison of the old me vs the new me. New" is purly a starting point. Not a physical improvement in any shape way or form. " Friends and family seem to compound these identity issues that I'm having. Ah to be a horse with no name. Like any good story. I was this amazing person, great life, wouldnt change a thing and now I'm like a ghost of a shadow of what I once was. In pain and tiered all the time, grumpy, walk down the stairs take a rest, over to the fish tank, hobble hobble. Feed the cat, sweep, eat maybe; I'm still very depressed. I know it gets better but meanwhile...It can be a challenge getting dressed.

I lived it once, the dream. There's satisfaction in knowing I was very successful at the stuff that mattered to me most then. I know I didn't get to that final destination by worrying over what I couldn't do.

I'm pretty sure no matter what I choose to do today, there's going to be some kind of physical mess to be cleaned. I have animals. There's always dishes, laundry, dirt no matter how often I pass the broom. Living for whatever I can right now or even for the possibility of going out and playing music. I know sometimes I'm resting up just to stay in. Besides the big picture, I recognize that I'm still fruit, perhaps bruised and sweet. I can appreciate what I can and do have. I'm not jealous of others, good for them! For the new me being alive feels like work and not always good. Lots of room for improvement by others standards; not mine. Ahh to emit blob behavior every moment. Sorry to disappoint, just moving slow, I'm still alive.

Yes I want to be at my best and for that to happen I have to let go of the past. I've sequester myself into a corner but feel more like a fish out of water. The drama. A mire existence of toggling rest, chores and activity. If I'm up to it maybe 1 social outing a month? I'd rather go swimming than out, but sadly swimming is just out of my physical reach again. Could be worst. I could still be in bed. Instead I'm standing while typing this. I am managing my daily routine on and off. Big on self care bare minimum, the house with the roommate's help. He drives me crazy sometimes (I know I cause issues too). He also drives me everywhere I need to go just about. He helps with the grocery, does the yard work,snow removal. I don't know what I would do without him. He's made himself indispensable to me. He lives here rent free so it's convenient for him too. It seems to be working for us 90% of the time. It's a good thing that I'm not one to succumb to social pressures. Right now it's eye on the prize= energy management. Yes I will recover to be, do something else one day. It's a big step in your life when you realize there's no going back only forward.

This is it ! The "me" now. This is where I toss in my Hakisac. I'll keep at things that matter to you as much as I am able to. To those reading who do not suffer as we do. Please know and understand that it's super rough for us especially on the bad days. Reserve your thoughts of improvement, judgement, kind wishes or comments to days when we are feeling more outgoing and receptive. All we hear when we're feeling at our worst is how we dont measuring up. When other people's expectations are nipping at my heels, its very stressful and draining. Most people suffering from CFS, TBI, Mental illness have similar issues. Be Strong! Meanwhile my brain shuts downand the body refuses to work. No choice, I take a small step back, rest and keep trying till I can communicate what's needed or it gets better or falls to the wayside of stuff forgotten or too difficult. Unfortunately people will judge you on that and it's emotionally detrimental to what's going on with bodies. Be gentle with us, our minds and bodies in a world Trumps that belittles a female student for standing up for climate change.

The infirmed and injured need empathy and understanding not to be labeled crazy, lazy and stupid. This is a real physical, medical thing we are experiencing. The literal weight of the world stands on my shoulders most days.

I've always have been a bit different, unique. Now is no different except I know more about the world, people, expectations, beliefs. I have my own measuring stick. I love you my indispensable friend I know you mean well. I forgive you for judging me based on your fears! I'm the one that's living like this here, got a problem there's the door. I'm not afraid of being on my own. It's the figuring out of shit that might take a while to get some stuff done, but I'll get it done eventually. My fish tank, it may not be a pretty sealant job but it's holding. I am capable of some things, like I crunch those measuring sticks! Just gotta be me! It's ain't pretty most of the time. It is what it is and what it is, is a new beginning!!!

Remember to thank and forgive ourselves and our bodies. I've been so rough on myself trying to get back to something that doesn't exist anymore. Instead of embracing something new. It's some what freeing to let it go! It is ok that there's no where I need to get today. I just gotta be me right now whatever that is. There is relief and healing against the mountains of to do lists, there's loss and a sense of moving on. I cry, I grieve, pick up and move on.

Then logically theres more space for new things to come along and bloom too. We need suport our bodies for doing what it's doing, let your brain and heart off the hook, it's no one's fault. It just is until it isn't anymore.

So Here's to 20/20 vision and special thanx to my offspring.

Into the unknown with you.

We step over the divide together!

Have fun and play safe!