#its easier in a subs position…at least it feels it. i feel like theres this unspoken expectation for doms to be like

[bunnys-lab]

hrgh

[colourfulcwtches-x]

A “happy” new year

How depression affects the “cheer” of the new years.

Joyful posts about people going out, having new years kisses and making resolutions for the following year; then theres the joyful pictures from families and friends. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find the cheer that everyone was talking about, instead I found myself leaving work and crying on the bus then curling up on my bed crying until 25 minutes before the bells chimed. I couldn’t help but wish the new year would be a year of big change for me, and be truly a happy one; however I couldn’t see what this year has in store for me.

Right now, I can easily think of reasons why I should have been happy.. My work was going well, I was making between 15-20 pounds per shift from tips and with my most recent birthday being my 25th I had a pay rise too. Then I haven’t self harmed in a month or so too, so that’s a big thing for me too.

What wrong with me? That’s all I could think of. I showed no gratitude, and made the day and the moments before all about how I was feeling. I wanted someone to understand how alone I felt, and how people asking me out hurt. Even in my own head it made no sense, so how the hell would anyone else be able to make sense of it. I wanted to be surrounded by friends and family, celebrating in the way I imagine “most normal” people do, which led me to thinking about how few friends I have and how many I’ve lost over the years; and how many I continue to lose. How can life be so lonely, when you’re surrounded by hundreds of people nearly everyday? Then the craving for love snuck in, that wanton feeling where you feel as though the validation of another would be enough to make you feel whole. My single life, in my view, came from all of these issues. It would be “hey” then a few weeks in BAM!! I’d go into that self destructive spiral, and then like friends who I pushed away, so would I with lovers. I guess I can’t blame them. Who wants to be around a person who overreacts to everything and always sees the downside of things? I don’t even want to be around me. Why would anyone else?

As everyone I knew was having New Year’s kisses, making 2017 count and making resolutions that they probably would break within the first week of the new year the only resolution I wanted to make was to be happy. Or at least some form of happy, whatever that meant. Positivity was what I needed and the worst thing was, I didn’t know where to find it. The hideous label of being depressed and everything it includes can be as bad as any physical illness. It’s a hideous monster, creeping under your bed, following you around like a bad smell or even worse dragging you down and destroying everything it touches. This self depreciating behaviour is one of those which I know doesn’t make my depression any easier, but its one of those that I don’t know how to defeat. It’s like the battle going on inside my head, where I am trying to convince myself to be happy but I don’t know what happy is or how to be it. This monster is bigger than I am and it’s one of those that bullies you and breaks you down, much like those school yard bullies. The only difference is you could leave those bullies when you went home, however depression follows you around never leaving your side.

To the friends I have left and my family; I am sorry for how much it takes to deal with me on a daily basis. Especially when the monster is screaming its loudest in my ear. I wish I knew how to believe the facade I paint on my face of being happy and even well rounded. I wish I could puke rainbows and fart glitter, because surely that bit of individuality and flare could cheer me up? I wish the negativity didn’t spill out into my day to day life, and if I felt it creeping up on me I could find a way to keep it at bay.

As my 25th year has just started, it’s a year I didn’t think I would reach. That can surely be counted as the smallest victory, each day, being able to breath for myself and see the sun even if it’s sub zero outside.

2017; you are going to be the year I pursue happiness yet again…  But will it be the year I succeed. I guess only time will tell.