#its been a while since ive had such a bad day
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yes so true and i do agree. this is the case for many and im happy for them. not to be socialist with it but i have no desire currently to return to living alone ever since i started treating my living situation like a form of community bc we are literally in the wohngemeinschaft, the commune, the jersey shore house. we're in the same team... my shipmates... the other castle squires.... i started viewing this whole thing as our shared project so in order to make it work we all have to participate in some fixed rules or routines, take accountability, and have a more generous view of each other, or at least be understanding. at the same time, i never get PERSONAL with it - i dont believe anyones ever attacking me personally when they do stuff thats negligent i keep it very business and free of emotion. we all help each other. we cohabitate. anyways so i think having roommates has been a way of strengthening my ability to be a part of a community. but idk how my roommates are viewing this LOL. that being said, one of my past roommates would leave the front door unlocked every night even tho we had constant break in at our apartment complex like constantly like there were signs up warning of it the cops were always there, one of em got in to a screaming match with her mom every day like clockwork midday above my bedroom while i was doing zoom classes (Quarantine), and one of em BLEW UP the fucking sink like it was CLOGGED it was a mouth to hell she fucked it up so bad. but i know im lucky, its now 13 individual roommates ive lived with in my life and never has anyone truly tormented me or fucked me over, im probably lucky. i want rent to GO DOWN everywhere so more people get the chance to live alone!!
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God it's so hard not to feel like a total loser sometimes.....
Unemployable and useless. 6+ years of schooling for what? A skill thats gotten me nowhere but endless self esteem issues and constantly hand injuries
No money, no savings. No future man. I've already accepted that I need to move on and get training or classes in something else but I don't even have a small income to help. No one ever contacts me back for any part times I apply too so it's not even like I'm failing interviews. It's hard to even want to keep applying any where else.
I look at my accounts and profiles and resumes and I just feel so hopeless
I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm mostly just tired of myself. Like at times it seems like the only thing I know how to do is cry and be nasty to myself....
#its been a while since ive had such a bad day#this year has been pretty bad#but in the last three months my mental health has been slowly getting better#and tonight suddenly having a break down shouldnt be too suprising tbh#but it is!!!! and it sucks ass!!!#just gotta cry it all out i guess#siiiighhhh#itll be another day tomorrow#and maybe that wont be too bad
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mum found out I quit my job and now she's panicking from her hospital bed.
#even tho ive been unemployed since August she thinks i just quit. i think of i tell her its been a while and ive been#looking after her basically as soon as i quit she'll maybe calm down#i only ended up telling her because my money is running dry because i spent it all looking after her and checking up on her#when i wasnt supposed to. and she needs to know that im running out of money 😭#but now i feel like the situation is worse. she keeps telling me to call my old job and ask them to take me back#but id rather find another job than go back there it got so bad i genuinely thought I'd die at that place#im not built for customer service + its not worth travelling 4 hrs a day for minimum wage#shes worried about my bills but ive actually been able to pay my bills since i quit 😭 because i saved#so much money up. when i was working i could've save because i had to spend half of it on transport costs and i could barely pay my bills#my mum thinks suffering is important like its supposed to happen so im not surprised she thinks this but now i feel like#i cant even see her because she'll spend the entire visit telling me to go back to my old job#even tho i told her I've been looking for work (which i have). i was when i was still working and i still am now. im just not having the#best luck rn
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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so.
#i just remembered todays a year since my uncle passed and like. its been A Day like its been A Few Weeks because its been A Few Months and#its been a few Years and so on.........and then i remembered that at like 9pm.#and i didnt like rmr his birthday bc i was so Worried about forgetting it that i Actually forgot and like.#ive been so focused on doing things w everyone in my family lately to like. Exist w them while i can#like esp going thru so much w my grandma and like helping my dad with her#and like. i think a lot about how my grandma has forgotten so much SOOO much already like its not like im talking to my Grandma anymore#anyways . thats another can of worms#but#anyway all that aside . i feel like . watching him go thru his whole life battling the same shit i do but like he fell so so deep#into his addiction bc his life had so much fucking trauma and like. he literally told my mom before he passed like a few weeks#before he entered a sudden fucking coma that he may have never had any luck w like finding love#(and bad luck isnt enough like his love life was a horror show GENUINELY LIKE#there would be a horror movie about it and itd be so fuckig BLEAK like its so bad) but hes always felt very loved#. so . at least i remembered ?#anyways . ill prolly delete this post later im just . Whoa dude! haha#using my blog as my journal as always dont mind me
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HOLY CRAP??? WHAT DID I DO?????
#im actually super. concerned.#like logically i know i must've hit my leg on somwthing at work but GODDAMN.#ive never gotten a bruise THIS BAD at work?? and i run into things a LOT at my job#simply cus im a klutz#but it has been YEARS since ive had a bruise this bad#im hoping that all it is is that i bunoed into smth at work vid my other more frightening theory is spider bite#based on the pain and that there's also a very small scab#its not centered in the bruise tho.... and its like an OLD scab so either the spider bit me a while ago and i JUST noticed or it healed fast#idk#or whatever i ran into just. nicked me through my jeans which is also possible#but seriously i do not get worried or concerned over bruises cus on any given day i am likely to have at LEAST 2 bruises#if not MORE#so me losing my shit over this is how you know its a BAD bruise#damn dude the only reason i even looked at put was bc i was like 'gosh my legs are sorta sore. are there bruises on my thighs?'#and well. i wasnt WRONG. there IS a bruise.#its on the fucking back of my thigh where i couldnt see it unltil i was LOOKING for it#best part is i don't even think i got it today i think i probably got it yesterday#but DUDE. DUDE. THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT.#shh ac
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ive been wondering why ive been coughing and feeling shitty the past several days and worried I was sick. but I think it was my partner's laptop battery swelling and possibly releasing toxic gases or smth bc once we took it to be disposed of we both started feeling a lot better 💀
#genuinely freaked out when she pointed it out#bc it was sooo bad looking#popped a lot of the chasis lol#ive never had this happen before and like this is my old laptop so its kinda crazy lol#it works without the battery luckily just being plugged in#ordered myself a new laptop anyways since mine has been having a lot of issues and I need smth beefier for 3d stuff#which ive been wanting to get into more#and ill use my current one for school next year after I send it in with the warranty its still under#the person who fixed my laptops keyboard broke a lot of other minor things#like it cant connect to wifi without an adapter and the mousepad doesn't work#and it freezes a lot#ive put up with it bc i cant afford to wait while its shipped out for repair bc of my job#but if i have a new laptop I can wait the month or however long it'll take to get it fixed properly#and maybe if it comes down to it I can just sell it after its fixed#i spend 80% of most waking days on my laptop so I think its a justifiable expense
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i did tell you people i met a they might be giant right.
#I DONT THINK I DIDDDDDD like an insane person i left out one of the most bonkers moments of my california vacation#saying it now makes it seem like im making this up and the following story will seem made up but dude just trust me.#im fucking. ok sunday morning the morning of Thee Concert and i (used to waking up at 4-5 am) have been awake on and off since like 6 am#my friend? asleep.#now i enjoy waking up and falling back asleep for a couple of hours however by like 9:30 im starving i need BREAKFAST#like the very nice friend that i am i dont wake my friend up i let him sleep and leave him a message on my open laptop screen#because the fucking hotel room doesnt have a pad of paper?? so i leave my modern post it note of a message#saying that im going out for croissants and coffee#because im an idiot i severely misjudge how hot it's already gotten in los angeles in july#ive chosen to wear jeans (bad idea) and a long sleeve flowy black shirt (worse idea)#i also dont look my Greatest because my friend had been telling me dont wash ur hair before we curl it for the concert!!!#so this is my hair after flying in and everything the day before (It Needs To Be Washed)#im following google maps to the coffee place as i brave the streets of los angeles on a sunday morning#hollywood boulevard around the chinese theatre is insane btw. insane. but being from new york i am unfazed (well. a little fazed)#i am Sweating. its already gotta be 80 degrees. im also reaching critical hunger levels. but i continue on my journey#google maps leads me down a sidestreet and tells me to turn down some alley and im like well thats not right.#so i turn to go back the way i was headed and find another way to get to the coffee place#as i turn and head back up theres a guy going down this same block heading in my direction#i look at him and im like hey that guy kinda looks like oh my god it actually is him. mr john l of tmbg fame#and so i have a split second decision of like do i sayyyyyy something do i just ignore him while geeking out#somehow i decide to be bold and im just like gdjgmm hi excuse me i recognize you uh do you mind if i could get a photo#he was very nice and suggested we move into the shade and i took the photo trying to turn off google maps before i did#and i was like aa im seeing you in concert 2nite love your music thank u! and we went on our way.#i think i kinda like. stopped for a moment before i went on to the cafe and was like. that just happened??????? insane. but it gets better#i do finally get the coffees n croissants btw and get back to the hotel after melting in the heat#and my friend who likes tmbg better was losing his mind once i finally told him#so the following morning after our spars concert insanity we have breakfast at a diner and then head back to our hotel#and he's wearing a tmbg shirt he got and im in a spars shirt and as we're walking back a car horn honks near us#AND ITS BOTH THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IN A CAR and they say hi and are like we like your shirts!#and my friend and i are like losing it but trying to be cool and like oh thabk you we loved your show hi! so theres my insane story
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guy is noticing his depression coming back, but will not do anything about it.
#idk ive been diagnosed with dysthymia which was sold to me as mild but longlasting depression etc.#as i was in the process of leaving my psychiatrist she told me it was at that moment in recession =w=b#but one main thing im seeing now is that im skipping school again. (+ the horrors but we dont talk about those)#skipping school isnt BAD and all. and i do genuinely think its for the better but. that might just be the depression voice talking =3=#anyway i know itll get better again. hopefully soon.#augh also one thing i noticed is. the sleepy. getting back.#its been a while since ive had afternoon naps but now..... they sure are happening.#and these suck a bit more bc often i get home at 4pm which is in my mind too late to have a comfy nap.#yesterday and also a couple days ago i napped from like 8pm-9pm. which isnt really helping my sleep :)#but its not like i could STAY AWAKE or something. i HAD to sleep.#:/#anyway its not like i can actually do something big about it...#maybe i should take a walk more. hm.#but my knees.... and the tired.... and things i actually have to do.....#sillyposting#yaknow.#=w=b
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Vent in the tags, just keep scrolling~
#since becoming homeless (again...)a little over 3 months ago#my husband and i along with my four dogs (3 wolfdog/husky mixes and a AmStaff mutt) AND our 3 cats#have been living on the floor of an amazing friends garage since February#waiting for my husbands inheritance to be processed by the bank so we can actually go back to a normal human existence#but until then everything is a major fucking struggle to even eat every day :^)#and ive been in a bad spot mentally for a while now#the bestie is going through some MAJOR life stuff right now and has a lot more to worry about than our dumb ocs and snzblr#i just wish i had some actual friends in the community instead of the half of snzblr that has me blocked lol#its really dumb and desperate for me to want people to be nice to me and maybe even form some kind of friendship when im clearly shown that#my presence in one of the only places i used to feel scene is honestly unwanted#i wish i didnt care so much but damn man im tired of always being alone and having conversations with myself#but oh well i guess this is what i get#geezievent#well this is embarrassing lmao
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hi story time I have a lazy eye, which means that one of my eyes is REALLY BAD and just kinda turns off sometimes (aka its a lot weaker than my other eye and cant stay open as long, also means that sometimes if I'm overstimulated I can only have one eye open at a time)
so this eye will just kinda wander when it gets tired but currently the best method to get it to stop (and prevent permanent or long lasting damage to my eyes) is to close the bad eye so it can go sleepy sleep.
SO LONG STORY SHORT to stop myself from majorly fucking up my eyes I have to make this face
#I got it looked at (ba dum tiss) a long time ago so im not in danger of losing my vision in that eye any time soon dont worry#I have glasses but I looked it up and apparently the other treatment method is an eyepatch which would have been so cool#ill just have to wait for it to get worse lmao#then I can have my dope ass eyepatch#both of my lenses are perscription tho since my only good eye is also bad its just less bad#eggs can speak#tw scopophobia#?#I feel like this needs a warning I just cant figure out what#tw sans#another funny skill of mine is that I can easily roll with a lack of depth perception#aka ive had to live Like That for a while so if I get something in my eye im mostly good#at the very least on bad eye days I can get around my house fine#its a lot of muscle memory lol#like I cant see it but I know x is this far from y yknow?
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coping well with not smoking at all today as proven by my google search history 👍🏼
#ive quit b4 and it was rlly RLLY easy but in the wake of the fight i had w my shit dad ive ramped it up and now smoke like ~8/day#that's usually the max i smoke & while its better than 1 pack/day it's still not great#so now since i've started smoking more than ever and it's been abt 10 hours since my last cig i'm starting to crave if REAL bad#i'm hoping i won't fall off the smoking wagon but DUDE i'm stressed af by my health so ironically i need to smoke to chill out despite that#being likely real damn bad for me 😮💨#len speaks
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super great combo:
me (person prone to vivid dreams and nightmares)
+
valerian root (apparently known to cause vivid dreams)
#this has not been a restful couple of days#betrayed by sleepybear tea!!!#i mean yeah valerian root makes me sleepy this is true#but i do not get rest when i dream this bad#its been a while since ive had these kinds of nights#sixdemon los hella sad tiempos
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on a semi related note there r like 2 specific times i remember expecting one of my safe foods and getting something entirely different and being SO insanely upset abt it even though the thing i got still tasted good
#the first my uncle asked me what i wanted 4 dinner while he was staying with us#and i said cheesy chicken and rice my fav food and he Made cheesy chicken and rice but it was like. a completely different dish than what i#refer to as cheesy chicken and rice and it was good food but i was rly rly rly upset. and i feel bad bc again it was good and my uncles a#great cook but i was expecting my comfort food and got something different#the other big one was i always get the wisconsin six cheese from dominos. and if i dont get the wisconsin six cheese i get the beautiful an#delicious pizza me and my mom named greg . rly funny story actually. but greg is basically. hes got ranch instead of tomato sauce and then#chicken bacon (always at least these 2) and mushrooms if possible for toppings. and hes great#and one time my mom was ordering dominos and asked me what i wanted and i said the wisconsin 6 cheese yk. and it came and it had ranch sauc#and my mom was like oph yeah i thought itd be fun to try the ranch sauce since we like it on greg so i thought id surprise you. and i#literally couldnt eat the pizza and i started crying over it bc i had been rly excited for the 6 cheese#but yes. greg is my goto pizza everywhere except dominos on occasion if they dont let u do rnch as a sauce we do alfredo instead#hes very trustworthy and i love him... we got him umm. the first time we ordered him was when we were doing my sleep study#so we were like waiting outside the hospital and we were like oh we should order something 2 eat since we havent had dinner yet#and we went to order and 4 somereason we couldnt get the 6cheese idk if like one of th cheeses was out of stock or something ???#but we were like ok lets just make a new pizza lol. and we made him and then dominos was like Ok what do you want to name the pizza#and idk why i think it was late but that question was like. HYSTERICAL to us KJADBJWABD bc we were like what is it a baby#of course now i realize its so you can like. have that pizza saved to easily order it again yk. but we were like idk.. greg??? so yes. and#im ngl to you guys idk if it was just bc it had been a good day and i was happy and like kind of silly since i was at a hospital#but that was literally theeee best pizza ive ever had in my literal entire life. istg they put crack in that pizza it was soo good#sooo yes anyways sry 4 rambling.
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I fucking hate myself today
#its one of those bad days were im just angry#angry and sad that im angry and sad in general#its been a while since ive had one of those days#vent tw
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this is like the most niche thing ive ever imagined with an f/o but i like thinking that papyrus could call my bluffs really easily when no one else can. specifically UMM self care and health bluffs? i dont really lie about it. i just intentionally leave stuff out so people dont worry? like, if someone asks "have you eaten today?" ill be like "oh yea i ate before i came here! ^_^" but then i tactfully leave out the part where the only thing i ate was, like, a piece of candy i found on my floor or something and prior to that i hadnt eaten for a week, and things of that nature. and people never ever realize when im bluffing which is convenient for me but obviously Bad in general, but. i like imagining that paps of all people can just sort of innately Tell when im hiding something or skewing the truth just a little bit
#because hes SMART!!!!!!!!! and GOOD AT READING PEOPLE!!!!!!!#so far the only other person whos learned that i DO bluff (even if she doesnt call them naturally) is my school counselor#thats only because i told her about how i bluff a lot. so now she kinda questions whatever i say about my own health LOL#we were talking about my arfid at one point and i said how mama wants me to go see a professional about it#and i told her id declined because while my situation wasnt ideal it wasnt THAT bad and wasnt dangerous to my health#and she was like ok so how often do you eat#and i had to be like. umm. Sometimes.#and after like 5 minutes of pushing she got me to admit i ate maybe once a week (ITS BETTER NOW THOUGH!!!!)#and she was like. ok so i think maybe your definition of whats 'dangerous' to your health isnt normal at all.#anyway i imagine paps would be like that except i DONT have to tell him. he just kind of knows when im leaving stuff out#this is also so unique to papyrus nobody else can tell not even sans despite his skill of reading faces#blegh. i think the day im like fully open and honest with my life and how i feel is the same day jesus comes back or something#cherry chats#hes also good at prying in a way where i dont feel like shit. idk how to explain it but like umm#when ive been in situations where people have pushed me until im forced to guiltily admit i was leaving stuff out i feel bad#not only because they called my bluff and learned i was (almost) lying to them but also it makes me feel bad about myself#but i think hed never make me outright say it#since he just Knows hes also able to come up with ways to bring it up without atcually saying it out loud#he knows that i know that he knows etc etc etc#AND ALSO HES UNRIVALLED WHEN IT COMES TO MANIPULATING PEOPLE INTO DOING WHAT HE WANTS (IN A NICE WAY)!!!!!!!!!!!#SO IF ANYONE CAN GET ME TO EAT ITS HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#hes so smart. he just tricks people into doing stuff for their own benefit and they hardly ever realize it#hes my BEST FRIEND FOREVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3333333
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