#its also hypocritical for reasons i've said before but i don't feel like starting anything up

[flyingbuddiies]

the day osc tumblr stops fighting over tacomic is the day we all heal [adding my personal opinion in the tags]

[cinnbar-bun]

My question, how do you feel about FV being…Yknow. That stuff. I’m not trying to start an argument or anything I just want to make sure you’re not excusing it, because you seem rlly nice and I love your stuff 😭 ofc I know it’s a rough topic so no rush on answering 🙏

I don't mind answering this- TLDR: no I obviously do not excuse his actions nor will I ever. My fave character is Miss Lucy Steel herself I would never excuse anything he's done especially to her. This is gonna be a bit rambly, sorry.

Do I still like him? Yes. Because evidently, he's a fictional guy and I am no stranger to liking evil men (cough cough Sir blow up a kingdom Crocodile cough cough). I do think FV is pretty attractive and charismatic (duh, of course he is!), but I don't like him because I think he's a good guy. I'll try to explain why I like him so much (I'm putting this under the cut because I rambled too much lmao)

I've said this before and I'll say it again, FV is a complex character. He's a hypocritical imperialist who is the token for how charismatic nationalists use and abuse pride and religion to their advantage. I like SBR for many things, including the religious symbolism and as a commentary on American/Western imperialism. SBR is deeper than just 'Johnny touches Gyro's balls and decides to race across America for Jesus', and Valentine showcases SBR's complexity both with his motivations, his ideals, and his physical prowess.

I don't like FV because I think he is right, either. He's not. I hope my messaging has been clear that he's very bad and very wrong. He is just interesting to me as a character. As a brown woman who was born and raised in America (I specify this for a reason), has extensively studied American history and American literature for my degree, Valentine is a gold mine of introspection and criticism from Araki. He is one of my favorite characters because he is the worst type of guy around- but he's also a realistic portrayal of a 'patriotic' politician taken to its limits and given the powers of essentially god. I had to study a lot of war topics and political speeches for my education, and Valentine is easily someone I could study all day and night about because goooood he is such a BEAUTIFUL representation of how corrupt leaders come into power (but people will say 'why did so-so come to power and why did no one argue against them' great, you have the exact blueprint right there with FV).

I love reading about politics and history. That's why FV specifically appeals to me. He would not work in another setting nor would he appeal to me as much if anything was changed. And it's especially important that he was a charismatic American with the specific goal of American world domination and suppression of all other countries. I, in fact, am working on a series based on his life before SBR because I love trying to imagine how this young boy who's father died in a war became the power hungry zealot he is later.

So yes, I am not ashamed to admit I love and adore him as a character. He's an evil that still exists in the world and I love reading about him. I do not excuse his actions, because they're fucking terrible, obviously. But his character and role in SBR is truly remarkable and without him, SBR would not be as praised as it is. FV drives the narrative beyond being a stationary macguffin, and I'm so glad Araki used him to portray the power-hungry politician as indecent and terrible.

Hope that cleared it up! Please feel free to discuss more with me about him, I love talking about him so much!!!

[miru-has-thoughts]

Love the LB wrestling thoughts. But I'm a bit confused? Do you still LB for AEW? Because I haven't seen you post much about it.

I appreciate that people enjoy my nonsense liveblogging. Thanks anon ❤️

Okay, so 😮‍💨... let me preface by saying I still enjoy AEW, but maybe not as much as I did when I first started watching professional wrestling 2 years ago. When I discovered AEW, it was the dynamite before the first forbidden door, and then FB, followed by blood and guts. The matches were unlike anything I had watched in a very long time. But now, I don't have that same enthusiasm for AEW. I mostly watch Dynamite, but have preferred to watch it on my own and not participate so much with live blogging or interacting with other people on this site.

There are a few reasons.

There is this big AEW blog who spread lies and rumors about me and made people shun me from the community. They were really friendly and very helpful in the beginning, but once my posts started to pick up steam, I guess they were jealous and felt I would eclipse them. They didn't outright say anything publicly, but to the people that knew me on this site from the beginning, they started to give them false statements about me.

Can I just say, I don't care about how many notes a post gets, or of being the "top blog", I just wanted to engage with a community.

That said, because some of the "more influential blogs" have shunned me, the engagements on my AEW posts are low, meaning the community doesn't engage with me as much, nor do they want to (perhaps out of fear of this bully, or their brainwashed..).

Another reason I'm not as active with this community, is that it feels like the community is focused on numbers and who's better, even when they say they don't. Now, of course I have seen on other social media apps how other non AEW fans will put down the product. But it just seems very hypocritical of the people to say things like let's all just enjoy wrestling, only for them to turn around and bring down other promotions.

In a similar topic, I hate when the wrestlers take jabs at the other company. It just comes off childish and stupid. I much prefer subtlety and creatively making jabs. I hate the "rah rah" speeches.

I also lost a lot of interest because of all the news that comes from backstage. All the fights, bickering and rumours, it takes me out of enjoying the product. I'm not talking about things that come out about shitty people, but rather the petty squabbles that happen, that someone needs to go to the dirt sheets to report. I hate it.

I also have not enjoyed the negativity I have received in my inbox and in the comments, when I said something negative or something the fans didn't like. I'm not out here being mean (only with like 3 weestlers who are POSs who deserve it), rather giving a criticism, but the fans take it personally. I have thick skin, but when people start saying that they are going to kill me and or my family, and sent multiple graphic hate filled messages...that's where I draw the line. I've had things said from the sammy guevara stans, the Britt baker fans, the MJF apologists have to be the worst. Yeah. This has taken a lot of the enjoyment.

Another thing is that the only show I can watch live with y'all is dynamite. For personal reasons, I can't watch rampage live, and when it is live in my timezone, it comes on at midnight, and I go to sleep before that. Also, rampage to me is redundant, so I have stopped watching. Collision I enjoyed when it was a seprate show to dynamite and essentially had its own roster. now it feels like an extension to dynamite (the spillover, if you will) and again...it comes on soo late in my timezone.

Finally, I have been to many AEW shows live. Each time I have had rude and nasty and uncomfortable encounters with people at these shows. Not to compare, but the TNA shows, I had a fucking blast, the small indy shows, I always enjoy, WWE... I always end up vibing with people. My first E show, MITB 2022, I was nervous and sat next to a lovely black woman and her kids, next thing you know her and her kids were helping me identify all the wrestlers and telling me who was face and heel and who had rivalry with who. I don't go to AEW shows with a negative mentality, I go expecting to have a good time, but the people that come out to watch the show are rude.

I choose to step away because my mental health and sanity comes before anything. Hope you understand anon ❤️

[apollodrome]

Let me start off by saying that my initial ask was written because it's genuinely insane to me that someone I thought I agreed with on the subject of ethics is into an exploitative product created by venture capitalists with the purpose to put artists out of work. I didn't expect a response, and if I had been responded to, I didn't expect any agreement from the peanut gallery; I don't follow people who I disagree with on something as important to me as this, so if followers of txttletale's saw the ask, I assumed they would 100% be against me. I sent it anyway. I'm surprised by the few PMs of support I did get.

Ultimately, yes, I shouldn't have sent it at all - it was an emotional response. I apologize to txttletale for not just unfollowing and blocking like I would with any other genAI supporter, but expressing my disappointment to her. It had nothing to do with her, at the end of the day. You do misrepresent me though; I never expressed I expected a reply from txttletale or from you, I don't know why you act as though my initial decision not to engage is hypocritical. Plus, if engaging with TERFs online as a trans person has taught me anything, it's that regardless of how good my points are, I will not necessarily be taken in good faith, being a member of the outgroup - in fact, I already haven't been, by you, with this whole post practically dripping with derision. Maybe the death threats in my ask box are just a byproduct of existing as a trans person online (I didn't check when they were sent), but as a worst-case scenario, I could get harassed and doxxed by responding at length, regardless of if my arguments hold any merit.

It does feel disingenuous of you to drag this out into a whole post saying "run coward", putting little gifs and sound bytes in, ohhhh you've really owned me (or w/e), and being condescending to me, when at the time I was still in replies actively responding (albeit slowly, I'm at work). I'll go over some of my points and why I think what I think for you, but I won't engage further; public "discussions" where I'm being repeatedly insulted and misrepresented aren't my style, as I've said.

First, it strikes me as unfair to blame rigging for everything you claim it did. Already, with 2D productions becoming digital, inkers and painters had been combined into cleanup artists before rigging was a thing. Digital animation also created jobs; scene planning and compositing among them. I would argue that a lot of the jobs you mean - bg painters being one example, and rough animators another (considering that good rigged animation needs a solid set of roughs), still exist on rigged productions, and still need teams of multiple people; fx animation on rigged productions still exists. Departments are smaller due to corporate greed generally, rather than due to rigging specifically.

As a team of 8 in my third year, it still took us 9 months of working 12 hour days to create an animated short of 4 min length; and that's with hybrid rigged and hand drawn digital animation. You're exaggerating the impact this tech has had; and in addition to this, traditional productions still exist. There has always been higher budget and lower budget brackets of animation; now - lower budget shows aren't "limited mouth-only anim (of the likes of early Hannah Barbera) with barely any bg and a lot of errors", but instead "rigged". One is not inherently worse than the other, they're both lower budget solutions.

It's also true that tech will inevitably change the job market, but I believe it's different with genAI because genAI was created without the consent of artists, using our stolen work, with an aim to replace us completely (and writers, and actors). There's a reason why every union contract worth its salt contains protections against AI on a scale that it doesn't against, say, rigging. It's exploitative, unethical, unethically sourced and trained, and created by people who call artists "drawslaves" and want us to get "real" jobs. The scale of the upheaval is huge here, it's not "restructure a department", it's layoffs in the thousands and NO new jobs for artists. And to reiterate, GenAI was made as a replacer, not an aid; why would people (that make it and support it) use it to harass artists and threaten us with replacement otherwise? Artists that have spoken out have had models train exclusively on their work used to show them they're replaceable as a tactic to harm or threaten them.

To use genAI in its current iteration, in my opinion, is to ignore the vastly greater negative impact it has caused and continues to cause, so yes, you're either with the people this unchecked tech has harmed, or against them, until robust regulations are made and/or genAI as a tool can be completely ethically sourced. I had expected more solidarity from artists generally when writing the ask, but now I realise that indeed some artists, educated ones, are standing on the side that wants to make them obsolete.

And also rigs aren't made using child sexual exploitation material and ppl's private medical records.

This is all I have time for (I'd rather be making art), so I'm calling it here. Have a nice night.

What I don't get is that other your support of AI image generation, you're SO smart and well read and concerned with ethics. I genuinely looked up to you! So, what, ethics for everyone except for artists, or what? Is animation (my industry, so maybe I care more than the average person) too juvenile and simplistic a medium for you to care about its extinction at the hands of CEOs endorsing AI? This might sound juvenile too, but I'm kinda devastated, because I genuinely thought you were cool. You're either with artists or against us imho, on an issue as large as this, when already the layoffs in the industry are insurmountable for many, despite ongoing attempts to unionize. That user called someone a fascist for pointing this out, too. I guess both of you feel that way about those of us involved in class action lawsuits against AI image generation software.

i can't speak for anyone else or the things they've said or think of anyone. that said:

1. you should not look up to people on the computer. i'm just a girl running a silly little blog.

2. i am an artist across multiple mediums. the 'no true scotsman' bit where 'artists' are people who agree with you and you can discount anyone disagrees with you as 'not an artist' and therefore fundamentally unsympathetic to artists will make it very difficult to actually engage in substantive discussion.

3. i've stated my positions on this many times but i'll do it one more: i support unionization and industrial action. i support working class artists extracting safeguards from their employers against their immiseration by the introduction of AI technology into the work flow (i just made a post about this funnily enough). i think it is Bad for studio execs or publishers or whoever to replace artists with LLMs. However,

4. this is not a unique feature of AI or a unique evil built into the technology. this is just the nature of any technological advance under capitalism, that it will be used to increase productivity, which will push people out of work and use the increased competition for jobs to leverage that precarity into lower wages and worse conditions. the solution to this is not to oppose all advances in technology forever--the solution is to change the economic system under which technologies are leveraged for profit instead of general wellbeing.

5. this all said anyone involved in a class action lawsuit over AI is an enemy of art and everything i value in the world, because these lawsuits are all founded in ridiculous copyright claims that, if legitimated in court, would be cataclysmic for all transformative art--a victory for any of these spurious boondoggles would set a precedent that the bar for '''infringement''' is met by a process that is orders of magnitude less derivative than collage, sampling, found art, cut-ups, and even simple homage and reference. whatever windmills they think they are going to defeat, these people are crusading for the biggest expansion of copyright regime since mickey mouse and anyone who cares at all about art and creativity flourishing should hope they fail.

[lavendersage]

i saw that post from the girl who's girlfriend isn't quite ready to be out. if ur blog didnt seem to celebrate love of all kinds (and i'm not talking straight vs gay, i'm talking happy vs sad) i would have kept this to myself, but between ur response and the op's story itself, i think im going to take this chance of sharing a burden on my heart, maybe to help someone else, or just for the shot at becoming at peace with it. a couple weeks ago, when u asked for everyone to send u stories of their lovers, i wrote most of this out but didnt send it.

i (21F) am a college student (god, is this reddit?). my entire life, i have cultivated the cleanest good girl image that i could. my parents sacrificed so much for my sister and i to grow up far more comfortable then they did, so i have tried to honor them with a little golden child they could brag about. straight As, never missed school, did community service, perfect SATs. i worked tirelessly to be on-paper perfect.

one of the reasons i've worked so hard to earn Good Noodle Stars is to make up for the fact that i am terminally homosexual. i realized real early that i could literally cure cancer and the first comment on the news video will be, "okay, she cured cancer, but at least I'm not gay like she is." i could raise thousands for charity, and my aunts would still say, "our kids may not get off the couch but at least they have sex correctly." so they dont know. few people do, none outside my closest circle.

in walks Mars(21NB). Mars is an anachronism. they are both a romantic with and without a capital R. be still my Dark Academia heart.

we got very close before school broke for Covid. Mars wrote me a letter every other week, encrypted and folded so that the only way to open them was to rip a paper seam that would show if someone had tampered with it. it was intoxicating. it was the first time i felt able to communicate freely about anything. i dont know - i didnt hold back my emotions, emboldened by writing in cipher. i spent all summer waiting for those red sealed envelopes, filled with stories and poetry and honeyed nonsense, and i refused to not respond with mirrored passion.

it was all great until it set in that I was going to have to face Mars again, in person. i prayed our school would decide all students had to stay remote. of course I wanted to see Mars, i want to do much more than just see them, but i knew it would only be a matter of time between us being reunited and them asking me out.

this was a person who crafted a puzzle where the answers were flowers that were a declaration of fidelity in Victorian Flower Language. of course i ate that up with a spoon. u would have too. listen, i know all aesthetics are fads and all fads age badly, but if the cottagecore girls get to learn to sew and bake and grow, i owe dark academia for teaching me the vocabulary and actions of my most treasured relationship yet, and giving me permission to be earnest and vulnerable in this life for 10 goddamn minutes. Mars is handsome and a genius and i was not used to feeling connected to anyone. but for all that joy, i was also drowning with the thought of having to break their heart by explaining i cant date anyone AFAB.

so the semester starts. Mars asks me over for a homecooked meal since restaurants don't exist here at the end of the world. they made me a beautiful dinner with all my dietary needs in mind. just like everything else i ate it up. and i made no effort to stop them from inviting me over for food and conversation again and again and a fourth time just to make sure it really hurt.

they kissed me after the last dinner. and I kissed them back, before stopping. they apologized for moving too quickly, but i explained that they had moved at the perfect pace, just with the wrong person.

there is no nice ending to this. it's real life. Mars took it as a breakup and didnt reach out to me again. i sobbed from halloween to christmas, i swear. i'm the villain in this story.

i started this post off as a sign of solidarity to the other young lady, but now im realizing that this letter would be better read by her fearful beloved, not her. it is 4am where i live, so i apologize if this has all gotten away from me.

love is a garden u have to water yourself. ngl, my favorite part about this blog is all the posts about learning to love yourself, learning to see ur intrinsic value dispite the core facets of u that have been deemed flaws, and trust the relationship between me, myself, and i.

i started out telling myself i was writing this to help the high school kid, but i havent shared this with anyone. writing this out has helped me process a thing or two, or at least start to. i like this idea of lavendersage being a kindly cryptid who will alchemise ur heartache into calm.

i hope you dont mind if i try to make this a thing.

my story is in the shape of a love letter. its tearstained before it even hits the water. i drop it in your river and watch it float away.

y’all are breaking my heart with these stories this week 🤧i feel so sad to read them and so helpless to respond, because i know how deep that pain must run and i don’t know if there’s truly anything i could say or do to take it away. but if i can lessen it from 100 to 99, well, then i’ll have fulfilled my goal of existing on this website. at the very least, i’m glad that writing this message helped you process some things on your own, but i’m happy to share my thoughts anyway.

your mars sounds like a top tier human being. victorian flower language? i’m swooning. it’s no surprise to me that you fell for them, and they were clearly head over heels for you. folks don’t make grand gestures like that for just anyone, that’s for sure 🥺

and i’m very sad to hear about the way things ended. but, anon, i can’t help but wonder if it is indeed over, or if hope exists on the precipice of a great act of bravery performed by you--something i know from experience is much easier said than done, and something i’ve failed to do in the past, so i’m not trying to be a hypocrite here. the ball is definitely in your court, though.

also...it doesn’t sit well with me to hear you call yourself a villain. i understand why you see it that way, as it’s clear that you deeply care for this person. but for many folks...the fear of what our family will say or think or do weighs so heavily on us that it robs us of any possibility of happiness with someone who isn’t the kind of person our family wants us to end up with. i’m sure plenty of folks, myself included, can empathize with this. and i’m sure on some level, mars does too.

my love, as with all things, i hope whatever happens next works out for the best, and that you don’t let this experience darken your heart. if things change between you and mars, please feel free to drop me a note. i’ll always be here to listen 💚💚💚`

[rpbetter]

a vent (feel free to ignore if it's too much!): so recently i've noticed psd makers getting anon asks on whether they're ok with people who write certain topics (mostly rpf, incest, rape, underage, the usual "problematic" topics) using their recourses. now, i don't roleplay any of these subjects on tumblr, so even if a content creator said not to use their stuff, it's not even something i need to worry about - but, and maybe this is me overthinking it, what if i, someday, write a noncon fanfic on ao3? i'm still not using their resources on the subject or writing it on tumblr, but i'd probably feel weird about it, like i'm crossing some boundary. what if a psd maker whose content i've already purchased suddenly goes "actually don't use my psds if you rp abusive relationships", which is probably the closest to what people consider "taboo themes" of the things that i roleplay. it just feels like a fine line between personal boundaries and a shitty situation for a customer - not wanting to cross boundaries but already having PAID for something previously, when no such rules existed. it's making me want to 1. block everyone i see saying this, because even though i don't personally roleplay the topics above, i don't feel SAFE around people who tell others what kind of fiction they are allowed to enjoy and 2. just quit using people's resources and spend years learning to make my own psds so i won't have to worry about this shit. it's just stressing me out, as someone who has been harrassed and bullied online for speaking against censorship. i've had literal sock accounts made just to spew targetted harrassment at me on twitter. i've been accused of being a pedo and supporting incest and this is??? literally for saying "i don't think real people should be harrassed for fictional shit", i've not even shipped underage or incest ships. both make me uncomfortable. but fuck, antis make me 1000000x more uncomfortable than people who ship these kinda ships. i digress, this got rambley, i just. do you have any advice on what to do with the potential psd situation, or am i really just overthinking it? (always worried i accidentally send stuff like this off anon. help)

I need you to know that I actually had to rush-scroll back up and just double check that you did submit on anon lol! I always get worried I'll miss the one person who accidentally didn't use anon, if it makes you feel any better! When someone does submit with their URL attached, I message them first to be sure they are okay with them having it posted that way/it wasn't an accident ;) That's what I would want someone to do!

Alright, so, anyhow...

I've also noticed that becoming a more common thing and it's been on my (maybe huge) list of things to look into for a bit because I really do try to make sure I'm not just noticing things in my areas of the RPC/failing to notice things that do not impact me. Since I do all my edits and graphics, it falls into the first category for me. So, thank you for moving that up the list and informing me that it really is more prevalent and not my imagination!

My take on seeing it was a combination of business logic and anxiety, not going to lie.

On the first: charging to do a psd that is just that, just a psd file being used as a template/to act as an easier version of a photoshop "action" in a way, that's 100% legal and fine. Absolutely no muddy waters there. However, charging to do things like icons, edits, etc. that include images of celebrities and stills from movies (or gifs) is quite muddy. Legally, it's not legal. It's a thing we're allowed to do and use (on most platforms) because we're not making money off of it, we're not claiming to hold rights to the images, and so on - it's ignored but illegal. Charging money for it, however, even when phrased as "for my time" (which, absolutely valid feeling), is a more serious form of illegal and potentially attention-getting. This all gets more iffy though when we add donation instead of direct commission/purchase when working with these copyrighted materials. You can ask people to donate and suggest a donation based on your time spent, and that is always what I advise people to do.

Okay, so, that preface is necessary because the thing about stipulating use-rights is that they're iffy, too, there are variables present.

Often, these same people are charging for things like icon packs as well, meaning that even if they're only charging you for a template-style psd file sans imagery they don't own, they've kind of shot themselves in the foot. Not to mention, it's exceedingly damn hypocritical to pitch a fit about someone violating your rights when you're literally using other people's copyrighted materials lmao And that does tend to occur to me, yeah, it's a consequence of attorney friends and running businesses.

The other issues with this are that usage rights have to be stated at the time of purchase and morality clause-style shit, as pertains to products, is not legally binding.

When you purchase something like a psd file, that purchase acts as a sort of contract.

Think of like...buying a photoshop brush set - the person selling it puts very simple rules as to its use, such as: non-commercial use only, brush pack cannot be resold or distributed for free, separate brushes from the pack cannot be resold or distributed for free individually. Meaning that you own the brushes you bought, but you are not legally allowed to make real-life money from anything you use them in, and you cannot send the whole pack or files individually to friends for free or charge other people for them. By buying these, you have agreed to these stipulations of use and ownership.

If the person sells psd's and you agree to what they've stated about the use (you can't use them to do commissions you make IRL money from, you can't give them away to friends, etc.), that's binding even somewhere as casual as RP Land. The exchange of real currency makes it that serious.

However, there are limits to stipulations of use! One of those things is when you agreed - this person cannot, even one literal second, later change their terms of use and retroactively hold you to them. If they were okay with you not crediting them anywhere or using them in works you will gift others or charge others something like game currency for at the time you purchased, then that's it. Tough shit for them, not you, when they decide a month later that they want credit given where the work appears, that they do not want finished products gifted, or don't want you to make even in-game currency from them.

And that absolutely would apply to the morality wank, yes.

Except that this very morality wank comes with its own issues. Reality is not tumblr. In reality, at least in most instances and countries, you can't throw in a fucking morality clause regarding the buyer, use of item, or finished product.

Think of this in this way: Chik-Fil-A starts denying chicken and waffle fries to anyone suspected of being queer. They're legally allowed to run their business (as a private business, everything does have variables) with some things that are morally objectionable that they feel morally aligns with their religious beliefs. They're not allowed to deny queer workers a job or queer customers service, however, in accordance with overarching laws.

While "being gross" online in fiction is not like, making anyone a protected status person lol this is just an extreme example to drive home the point. Legally, when it comes to items/products be they digital or physical, your rights and responsibilities as the seller don't include your moral policing.

What your right is, is to make people uncomfortable to a degree, yeah. You absolutely can do that. You can state some nasty shit about prospective buyers you don't want. For example, they should (I mean, they should just grow up and get some real concerns, but) be stating that they would not like to see their psd's used by people on this following DNI list of idiocy, and they will block those users if possible to prevent interaction and purchase. That's really it, that's what they can do and the least immature way to proceed.

On the second: none of this logic would make me feel comfortable about interacting with them and their psd's in the future once they had outed themselves as morally objectionable and dangerous to me with this nonsense. And I would still feel anxious about using things I had previously bought because once harassed...it doesn't really go away, does it? It would just give me some ease about the latter with things I'd already made. Like, I could keep using the icons I'd made with those psd's with a little bit more comfort knowing that they honestly have not a leg to stand on outside of their harassment.

I might have the tendency to respond to harassment without much upset, but that doesn't mean I want to be harassed. Especially when I am not doing anything that draws that kind of attention. Not that harassment is warranted over anything, but when I make a PSA or answer an ask that I know is likely to get their attention and piss them off? That's an acceptable risk I am knowingly taking. When I'm just going about my life as a RPer, it isn't.

So, I don't feel like you're overthinking it or being too concerned! In no way did you sign up for getting unwanted attention, and because it has happened before, of course, you're trying to insulate yourself from having it happen again. That's totally reasonable!

Now, what you could do about it...

It's another of those situations in which we're only truly capable of controlling ourselves. Everyone else is kind of a NPC.

You don't have to do anything I'm suggesting, but these are things I would do!

I would block the shit out of anyone saying these things/trying to make them stipulations, yes.

By that, I mean that I would also visit blogs they appear to interact with and they'd be blocked as well. We can all reblog something like resources or a shit post from a user we do not agree with without realizing it, but when it's frequent reblogs, direct support, and friendly vibes going on, it's safer to assume that they are aware their friend sucks. More importantly, that they do not think their friend sucks and support their views.

Even if that is not the case, do you want someone else's repeated inattention to expose you to bad actors? Nope! So, don't run the risk of paying and otherwise interacting with the one resource blog in the group that doesn't express these views/"requirements," but does involve themselves with those who do.

Try to find people selling these resources, that are not connected to the problem ones, who do not have those views. Once a trend starts, it is very hard to stop until it has run its course naturally, so, this might be difficult and take some extreme effort. You might want to consider asking like-minded friends who use psd's where they got them so you can check those users out for yourself.

If they're all the same, problem, people...

Look for users well outside of your corner of the RPC(s) who are not asking to be paid. I know it sounds wild, but there really are RPers out there who just enjoy making things for others! I can think of at least one right off on my dash. They might not be advertising for doing psd's or psd packs, but either they might be willing to do so (especially if they do not appear policing-positive) if you explain what is going on, or they could at least fill some requests for you for fully made icons and such. Hell, people who love doing this work usually know others who do as well, and anti-policing people quite reasonably stick together. They could have suggestions for someone not vile selling psd's.

Depending on what it is you want your psd's to do, I promise you that it wouldn't take you very long to learn it. I know...I know lol that's both really easy for me say when I've been doing it for over twenty years and am about to piss some people off. The latter because the most common settings on popular psd's are extremely simple shit, a lot of that is the kind of thing you're expressly told not to do in design work. Like ramping up extreme contrast, pixelating the fuck out of an image, and turning up the primary colors only. Once you get to playing with photoshop or an equivalent, you will totally see what I mean. You can accidentally make an icon look identical to something that is on trend in the RPC. If that was what you were going for? You've hit the mark, and it's just repetition and tweaking it here and there!

Once you start playing with it, too, it's actually pretty intuitive when it comes to the basic things like resizing, adjusting colors and contrast, and doing easy effects like blurs and sharpening. Frankly, playing with it is better than half the tutorials you'll find because they get unnecessarily complicated when all you want to do is crop your muse's face, overlay some color, and add a damn dotted border. Listen, like I said, I have a lot of experience...and I find many tutorials frustrating and overwhelming!

It is not just you, you're not dumb or anything. People get very comfortable with something and when they try to explain it to others, they use terms and methods that are more advanced or specific to them than they realize. That's all!

If you have friends who make their own things, ask them some very basic questions about what you want to do. They know you, so, they'll know better how to explain to you, specifically. Just keep it simple until you've had some time to experiment! Ask things like, "I want to take this image, resize it to be an icon, and add an orange tint to the image while sharpening only my muse's features...how would I do that? Easy mode?"

And! You don't even have to pay for photoshop or pirate it anymore! Photopea is as an exact copy as possible entirely located in your browser for free. It's all overwhelming at first, a real case of too many options and ways to do the same thing, but the only way it gets less overwhelming is just diving into it. Dive in, get a little frustrated, have some successes, make some awesome discoveries, it gets a bit addicting in short order. Then, the tutorials and tips are so much easier to figure out and expand on, too.

If you'd like, you can always send me a pm here and ask me. I'm happy to try to explain how to do things, zero judgment or impatience. Just an additional option if you both decide to try learning and would feel comfortable doing that. Zero judgment as well on not wanting to do either of those things!

Okay, this one is much harder than learning PS basics because it's honestly a bit terrifying...the way these people are, they're going to take issue with you no matter what you do, and in the end, if they notice you and feel like bothering you, they will. There's literally nothing you can do about it. All you can do is try to buffer yourself, stay away from them, and be aware that you are not the problem.

Like with the AO3 thing or writing what could be viewed as toxic relationships. You can never write or be interested in a single, solitary thing that they're on about (and accusing you of doing in real life when the burning Eye of Moron turns your direction), but to them, you supporting the right of other people to do so is just as bad as doing it yourself. To them, the toxic relationships not only would be problematic, they'd be problematic enough. Being uncomfortable with their policing and feeling unsafe because of it is, to them, a red flag of how problematic you are. Writing anything they've deemed objectionable (or reading or viewing it, for that matter) anywhere, doesn't have to be on this platform or RP-adjacent, doesn't have to actually utilize any of their materials, is enough.

They're absolutely including you in who shouldn't use their shit. That's part of the "logic" and methodology of policing. Everyone is problematic, so, everyone can be labeled a pedo and harassed without too many people getting up in arms about it. No one is safe, so, everyone better behave. You don't actually have to be engaging with or enjoying things like underage, non/dubcon, rape, abusive relationships, etc.

It's gross, it's bullying, it's actually a problem...and there isn't much you can do.

All that is truly up to you is making an effort to avoid them, though, this is very often unfair and likely to get more unfair as resource blogs of all sorts deal in it more. At least, in this case, you do have some small bit of actionable power - by not ever buying from them. They wouldn't be charging if they did not either need or want the money, not giving it to them is a bigger hit than things like simply unfollowing/blocking, reblogging PSA's, and so on is!

Nope, it isn't like you're denying them some extreme amount of money by yourself, but every three, five, ten dollars is felt pretty hard when you desperately need money and/or are saving for something.

I know, I mean, I personally do know, that it's impossible to "get over" bullying, Anon. I'm in no way telling you to just get over it and move on, find some great well of not caring somewhere! What I'm saying is that there is power in not giving them power. The power to make you anxious, uncomfortable, unsafe, when you have every right to be here doing your thing and are not hurting anyone. And it might seem to be a deeply contrary sort of logic, but realizing and accepting that there are people out there who irrationally dislike you for literally no reason, that you cannot infallibly escape or avoid, despite doing nothing wrong is a bit empowering. Because it puts into perspective the things you can control, and when we know what is in our control, it's easier to just enjoy our time here without constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. If it drops, we can go put it back in the closet where it belongs.

It starts to put a positive spin on the whole, damned if I do, damned if I don't feeling, if that makes sense? I'm probably way too tired to try to be explaining this lol I'm sorry!

Anyway, again, I'm not implying you can or should do any, let alone all, of those suggestions! I just really hope that something will help you feel even a little bit more at ease. It's an unfair situation, it isn't right, and you have every reason to be uncomfortable and stressed. If I could make it happen, you better believe that every policing asshole out there would be writing heartfelt apology letters and sending donations to everyone they've upset lol but...since I can't make that happen, all I can do is say what I, personally, do, would do, or have done.

[the-empress-of-snark]

First, I would like to publicly make an apology to JD, the mod from Tomione Finds who initially reached out to me. I was already a bit agitated, and ended up misreading what she was trying to say to me and reacting impulsively instead of processing tthings calmly. 

It was genuinely not my intention for her to be hurt in this situation, but she was and for that I am very sorry. 

So, my initial reaction to kyoki's post was not to bother dignifying such obvious hyperbole with a response. 

Like, seriously, painting me as Fandom Satan so you can pin your flounce from fandom on me is just so wildly attention seeking it borders on the absurd. 

Your post was deliberately inflammatory, completely fabricated and designed solely to smear me, and your criticism that I've never provided evidence was  inaccurate as well as ironic, given that you...don't. 

That shit is exactly the kind of behavior I've been talking about. 

I then realized that staying silent isn't the answer. 

There are folks who might also be experiencing bullying in our fandom community, but feel uncertain if it qualifies as such or is more a personal conflict. Or maybe they're scared to speak up or come forward out of fear of retaliation - such as being smeared as toxic or untruthful like I was.  

Here's the thing. Your feelings are all valid. 

You know what you're experiencing, I know what I've experienced, and no amount of shouting down and being called a liar will ever change that. 

I'm also just going to point out that while my old blog was active, I talked about my experiences with bullying extensively, on more than one occasion. 

If I was going to be called out as a liar and a shit stirrer, that was literally a golden opportunity to do so. But the reason why that didn't happen at the time - a culture of silence that reinforces unequal power dynamics - is part of what I've been talking about. 

The thing about bullying is that it isn't necessarily someone walking up to you and punching you in the face. More frequently, it's subtle, low key, and perpetrated in a way that makes you doubt yourself. 

Here are a few examples of my experiences.

As if I have to state the obvious, reblogging someone's art with shitty tags in order to make fun of it is bullying. 

Also, I had never interacted with this person.  

Next, I only ever shared this privately with a couple people. It was nice of this person, who I'd been on friendly terms with, to let me know what they really thought of me and my writing. (Edit 7/21/21: I'm not gonna shield the identity of assholes any more)

That's some epic level passive aggressiveness right there.

And then just before I deleted,

There is a factual inaccuracy here. I did not ever regularly post in the tag, let alone posts regarding my experiences.

And then there is this:

This was created in June 2018 for members of the Tomione discord, but the history behind it goes back to January 2015. The term and its use was a significant part of my falling out with Nerys and Serpentinred, with the latter deeming it as a 'demeaning slur.' 

Which isn't...exactly what I said in our last email exchange. 

I worded this clumsily, I admit, but I was trying to describe how I felt - using I statements. I did not ever once use the term as a pejorative against her, and she's free to bring forth any evidence that I did. 

At that point though, it didn't matter, though I apologized to both of them in subsequent emails.  They were angry, and immediately severed any relationship I had with them, which was their right to do. 

So, a few years later, these same people suddenly appeared in the Discord using these Inner Circle icons, and offering them up for members of the chat to use. In a variety of colors. No one there had any idea that this was, in reality, a very pointed slight directed at me. 

There's really no way to explain this away as an innocent effort to make something fun for the chat, or as a joke, given the repeated assertion that the term was a slur. 

Somewhere along the line, their feelings toward the term must have changed, because both of them used the icon.

And no, there's been no "owning up" to this. Taking responsibility for your actions involves actually addressing shit with the person you harmed, and not minimizing the effect this had on me as “whining about a button”. 

I have now provided evidence to support my statements regarding my experiences with bullying in fandom. I did not at this time include less easily categorized vague posts made where I wasn't specifically named, but if I read it, it would be clear that I was the person being referred to. These were posts where I was accused of using slurs, or impersonating an artist in order to harass someone.

These posts are still damaging, though, in the sense that they're deliberate misrepresentations designed to create social/fandom harm to the people being talked about, and are examples of covert bullying/relational aggression. 

Which brings me to an observation I'd like to make regarding the angry, almost aggressive disparagement of myself and others speaking, even privately, about our experiences as 'spreading garbage behind our backs'. 

It's hypocritical. It's a double standard, given multiple posts that have been made about me, and honestly, it's concerning that someone could possibly expect to exert that much control over what people say about them, even privately. 

For example, if you and your friends want to chat about how much of an asshole you think I am, and how much you hate me, that's entirely your prerogative, and I have no control over that. You're perfectly free to express your opinion of me on your blog. The reverse holds true as well. Once you start making false accusations, though, it's a different story.

Lastly, I guess if there is anything I would like to see come from this, it would be for folks not to feel hesitant or uncomfortable about either speaking out about their own experiences, or openly being supportive of other people without fear of retaliation.  Because after the actual incidents, the sense of isolation was about the worst. 

Ultimately, this isn't about being liked or having conflicts due to differences in opinion. This is about actively engaging in behaviors, or encouraging others to engage in behaviors to purposefully cause harm. It's about isolating and marginalizing people you don't like and stripping them of support within the community. 

It's unacceptable. 

[lunaofthevalley]

Steadfast Tin Soldier |||

Bucky Barnes x Reader

The third and finally part is finally here. Thank you to everyone who has taken their time to read this little mini series. It was an idea I came up with on a whim and I wasn't sure I even wanted to post it but I'm glad I did. So without further a do, enjoy 🦄

Note: if you want to be added to my permanent tag list comment down below, and if you want to request something don't be afraid to send an inbox. And if you're a Peter Parker fan keep your eyes peeled for my upcoming Peter story based slightly of the little mermaid.

It had been about a week since the party and things were drastically different. No one has seen or heard from Bucky ever since he walked out of the party and while Y/N hated to admit it, she was overcome with worry about what had happened to him. It wasn't the first time he had done something of the sort. After something happened that he found incredibly stressful he'd disappear for a couple of days and when he came back it was as if nothing had ever happened. But this time he'd been gone for longer than usual.

Y/N was currently sat in her room, in front of her vanity playing with her hair. She stared at herself in the mirror and she as been doing so frequently for the past week. Bucky had called her beautiful shortly before abandoning her, but if she was being honest, she hadn't felt that way ever since the party. She knew her beauty had nothing to do with Bucky leaving her there, but that's how she felt for some reason. Like she wasn't good enough.

She was taken aback when she heard a knock on her door. No one ever came down to her quarters, except Natasha and Wanda, who at that point just walked right into the room with out knocking. Y/N stood up and walked to the door. She expected many things to be on the other side but not what was actually there.

In front of her was a bruised and bloodied Bucky who looked as if he could fall dead in a matter of seconds. His clothing was ripped and his long locks were tangled and greasy. His usually shiny metal arm had dirt between its ridges and it looked opaque. His eyes which were usually a bright blue looked grey and sad. He opened his mouth to say something but you cut him off.

"Go to the bathroom and get undressed." She ordered.

Bucky was taken aback, "Excuse me?"

"Go to the bathroom and get undressed." Y/N repeated, "I suppose you're here to talk, well we'll talk when you no longer look like walking death."

"Y/N...I-"

"Into the shower now Barnes!"

Bucky gave her one last look before walking past her and into the bathroom. Y/N waited until she heard the door close before releasing the breath she had been holding. She quickly composed herself before darting out of her room and towards Bucky's. She wanted to get him a clean change of clothes so that he wouldn't have to wear those ripped, dirty ones after he left the shower. She also passed by the lab and grabbed one of the first aid kits and a couple of more things she considered she would need for patching up Bucky.

She returned to her room moments before Bucky left the shower. He stepped out only covered in a towel from the waist down. Y/N was sure she would lose her composure right there and then. His toned chest was glistening with the small water droplets that fell from his damp hair, gliding down it, outlining his abs more than ever. His metal arm looked shiny again, and while he was now free of the dried blood, Y/N could make out cuts all over his face, arms, chest and stomach.

She gestured with her head to the change of clothes she had left on her bed. He didn't say anything as he grabbed them and went back into the bathroom to change. After a couple of minutes he emerged again.

Y/N was sat on the bed, her chin resting on her hand, which rested on her knee. She looked up at Bucky through her eyelashes and gave him a once over all over again. "What the hell happened to you Bucky? You've been missing for a week!"

Bucky looked down in shame, feeling bad for not telling her where he had gone. "Fury had a mission for me. It was supposed to be a quick in and out, but took more time than what we thought. I left the morning after the party. Only Steve and Tony knew where I was."

She pursed her lips and slowly nodded her head, "Well what kind of mission was it that left you looking like that?"

"It was to stop some rogue HYDRA agents, it was a small group. No more than ten. It was an easy mission Y/N. I look worse than what it actually was. Most of the blood wasn't mine." Bucky explained.

"You're covered in cuts!"

"They're just small scratches Doll."

Y/n stood up from the bed and went over to her desk to retrieve the first aid kit. She then gestured for Bucky to sit down on the bed, which he did without argument. She approached him and set the stuff down beside him before turning to him again. "Take your shirt off."

"What?"

"I said take your shi-"

"I heard what you said, I'm old, not deaf." Bucky remarked, "I just put the shirt on, why do I need to take it off?"

"I need to make sure you have no deep cuts that need stitching."

Bucky let out an earthy chuckle, "I already told you I'm fine Doll."

"It's protocol Barnes."

"Oh so we're on last name basis now, huh?"

"Just take off your damn shirt Bucky!"

"Okay, okay." He then took of his shirt and in that moment its as if all the air left Y/N's body. It wasn't the first time she'd seen him shirtless, she had recently just seen him in only a towel, and it also wasn't the first time she revised him after a mission. But something about this time felt different.

It was happening in her room and not in the lab, and the unspoken matters between them made the atmosphere tense. As Y/N took to cleaning some of Bucky's cuts, he looked up at her. Her face was scrunched up in concentration, her E/C eyes were focused on what she was doing, her lips pursed, which made it look like she was pouting. Some strands of her H/C H/T hair fell on her face, which was slightly highlighted by the suns light coming in through the windows, giving her and the room an aura of gold. A few more minutes of silence passes before Bucky grabbed her hand and spoke up.

"I owe you an apology." He started. Y/N made no sound and only looked at him with wide eyes, "What I did to you is something no man should ever do, and I regretted my decision to do so the moment I walked out the door, but I was too ashamed to go back. Truth is I became overwhelmed with everything. You looking perfect, the ambient, the team and their stupid plan...just everything became too much and I needed to get out of there. I know I should've explained but I couldn't.

"Truth is Doll, I've been head over heels for you since the moment I saw you, and then I met you and got to know you and I just kept falling deeper into a pit I knew I wouldn't be able to escape. You're everything I've wanted in a woman. You were literally the Ballerina to my Tin Soldier.

"But you deserve better than me. I'll never be the Bucky I was 75 years ago, and I'm no longer the Winter soldier. I'm now just the shell of James Buchanan Barnes, trying to figure out how I fit into the world now and coping with what I had to put up with during my time in HYDRA. I have severe PTSD, I have nightmares and crazy impulses...and you Doll, deserve so much better than that, so much better than me. So I'm sorry."

Bucky let go of her hand and looked down in embarrassment. Y/N was shocked, to say the least. Bucky had just poured his heart out to her without hesitating. She could no longer help to be mad at him, how could she after that. She slowly crouched until she was looking slightly up at him. She reached out a hand and placed it on his cheek, his metal hand coming up instantly to gently wrap his fingers around her wrist as she slowly caressed his warm cheek.

"You know, I've been head over heels for you too. Ever since that day we met. Just one look at you and I knew you were different. Not in the bad way, but in the best way possible. I have never once looked at you and thought about you as a broken, tortured man. To me you have always been, and always will be just Bucky. Never the winter soldier, never Captain Americas best friend. Only Bucky.

"And what you're saying about me deserving someone better is bullshit, pardon my French but that's what it is. You do not get to decide who I do and don't deserve in my life, I decide that myself, and I want you in my life. But more importantly Bucky, you deserve this, you deserve me in your life, and I may sound like a hypocrite telling you you deserve me while also telling you, you don't decide who I deserve, but it's the truth. You deserve someone who will be there for you, who will put up with you PTSD, someone who will look at you like the most precious thing there is, and god Bucky I really hope you let me be that someone for you."

It was now Bucky who was shocked. He saw some tears trickle down Y/N's face and he felt the same on his. Both of the were overcome with emotion, everything that had been pent up for a week and from months before was now coming to light. Bucky knew he didn't have the words to reply, and even if he did he didn't know how to say them. So instead of replying verbally he thought he'd show her what he felt physically.

He leaned down and grabbed her by her waist as if she weighed nothing and brought her to his lap, pulled her as close as possible and then slowly but passionately connected their lips. She didn't protest at all. Her hand with which she had been caressing his cheek remained there while her other found itself wrapped around his broad shoulders. Their kiss started of slow, allowing them to set a pace and get used to the feel of each other's lips, but as time passed the kiss got deeper, faster, needier, and they never separated until the need of air became greater than the need of each other's lips.

Their foreheads rested on one another's, Bucky brought up a hand to caress her neck while both her hands played with the soft curls at the back of his head. They stared into each other's eyes while regaining their breath and composure.

"I love you," Bucky spoke up breaking the looming silence, "I know it might be too soon to say it, but it's how I feel."

Y/n leaned in and gave him a small, slow peck. She moved back but just a small amount so that her lips would ghost over his when she talked, "I love you too, so damn much Bucky, you have no idea."

"I think I have a slight clue Doll." He smiled.

Both of them remained embraced for a little while after that, finally knowing how it felt and not wanting to lose the sensation it gave them both. Neither of them had ever before felt as comfortable as they did then.

"Say...you still kind of owe me a dance." Y/N remarked a little later.

Bucky looked down at her, "Is that so?"

Y/N untangled herself from Bucky and stood up, offering him a hand which he gladly took as he stood up as well. Y/N led him to a part of her room that would give them enough space to dance. They positioned themselves almost identically to how they had been the other night, only this time, Y/N rested her head on Bucky's bare chest, right above his steady beating heart.

"Hey Doll...we don't have any music."

"F.R.I.D.A.Y" Y/N spoke up and not a second later an old song from the 40's started playing. Bucky hummed in contempt, recognizing the song and started to sway you both gently from side to side.

"You know....I guess fairytales sometimes do come true." Bucky said.

Y/N looked up at him, "Why do you say that?"

"In the story, the Steadfast Tin Soldier has to leave his ballerina due to...unfortunate circumstances...and after going through a long and hard journey he comes back to her. And well...I came back to you Doll, it might not have been a long and hard journey, more of a week long, average mission but you get the point."

She let out a small giggle which moved him to his core, "I suppose you're right. You know I find it funny how many parallels you seem to have with the story. It's a tad bit comical really."

"Well I guess stories have more influence in our lives than we think. And the Steadfast Tin Soldier isn't that bad a story to have parallels with."

"If you say so," she replied, "just don't get eaten by a fish, don't see how that would work out."

Bucky laughed, "Don't worry, that won't happen."

And so they danced on until day turned to night, they remained in each other's arms until the late hours of the night. Now that they had each other they didn't ever want to let go, never wanting to live without that feeling anymore. The Tin Soldier had been reunited with his ballerina, and there was no evil Jack-In-the-Box trying to separate them.

In the fairytale, the Soldier and the ballerina perish in a fire together, the flames making them melt into a single, perfect Tin heart. But Bucky and Y/N only melted into each other, coming as close to the other as much as they could. Their hearts were sure to become one after that day , neither of them being able to deny their feelings for the other anymore. And it was a beautiful thing.

The story of the Steadfast Tin Soldier and his Ballerina.

...

"Hey Bucky, what was it you said earlier about the teams stupid plan?"

"You don't want to know Doll."

TSTS TAGS: @hadesgirl1015 @holycoldcoffee @pookiepookie8 @fangeekkk @evilzinblr @miss-kraziii @wizards-magic-and-witches @white-wolf-buckaroo

[iznitlovely]

I posted 215 times in 2022

2 posts created (1%)

213 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@teathattast

@takperlukot

@goodstuffhappenedtoday

@happyheidi

@worldlyfalseness

I tagged 4 of my posts in 2022

#personal - 2 posts

#post birthday rant - 1 post

#this is typical izni - 1 post

#who even am i - 1 post

#all that you see of me is fake - 1 post

#i specifically made this personality for you - 1 post

#cant believe this is a universal phenomenon - 1 post

#i learned so much by reading lemony snickets works - 1 post

#why are all these taehyung gifs suddenly appearing on my dashboard? - 1 post

#im not complaining tho - 1 post

Longest Tag: 67 characters

#why are all these taehyung gifs suddenly appearing on my dashboard?

My Top Posts in 2022:

#2

the usual existential crisis following a birthday

I went home for a week and everything was great, life feels amazing and slow. The minute I came back and stepped into my bedroom in KL, I seem to have regressed and am currently at the same place I was before. It was like time have stopped or hit on pause and I'm just back to where I was. Damn. I have no desire to do anything. I just want to lie in bed.

I don't even know what is this. I don't think it's depression or anything serious. I still get my job done, I still eat and drink. I don't have suicidal thoughts or anything.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am just starting to investigate and discover who I am. I am a mess. I thought I knew who I was but it was just a projection of who I wanted other people to see. A friend texted me happy birthday and said I was the most kindhearted person they know. All I could think was, "Really? Maybe it's just the person I want you to see". I kind of make up these different personalities for each person I see. Always wanted to be liked.

My sister said each of us has a Monica (from Friends) attribute to them. I have the people-pleaser gene. Ilham has the competitive-ness. Ikhlas has the attention to detail and tidiness. I can't help but think that it's so true.

Also, I did the Enneagram personality test. Got type 9. Let me tell you, I cried the whole time reading the description. Because it was so so true. I hate it so much, but it's so true. We are self-sabotagers. We will never be truthful to keep the 'peace'.

"Being a separate self, an individual who must assert herself against others, is terrifying to Nines."

0 notes - Posted March 31, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I am a hypocrite

Just like the title suggests, I realised I'm a hypocrite. Not really true, I think I've known all my life. I'm just finally admitting it.

Watched The Good Place recently and here's what I've learned. I am a bad person. My motivations are always flawed and not genuine. People who think I'm a good person, are wrong. I am just not a good person. I've never really shown my true self to anyone, except for my sister probably(?). Besides her, all I've ever shown anyone is the version I want them to think of me. It's all just a facade. I don't think I will ever find someone who I trust enough to show all the parts of me. That's part of the reason I have multiple tumblrs, twitters, and instagram accounts. I just needed to section my life like that. For god knows what reason.

The thing is, people can't handle the 'real' you. No, what they want is someone who adheres to the rules of society. Or to their version of perfection. I am a different person to my mom, my boss, my friends, or random strangers. I think I just adjust myself according to the person I'm talking to. Surprise! I'm not like that.

My 'people pleasing' disease is at its worst I guess. That's why I needed something to hide behind. Or else, people would just see the worst parts of me. And I don't want that.

0 notes - Posted March 3, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[punkscowardschampions]

Bea & Buster

Bea: Buster, I appreciate you were doing Rio a favour but you need to go back to School, yesterday, like Bea: You've missed enough time as is Buster: She isn't ready yet Buster: I can't just leave her here Bea: I'm not asking about her, Rio can and will make her own plans Bea: This is about what you need to do Buster: I need to stay here Buster: I'm getting my work sent. It's fine Bea: What's going on here? Bea: Rio is perfectly capable of being on her own, and assuming that's why she needed to leave town, she doesn't need you there Buster: You just said it's only what I need to do that matters Buster: And I told you Buster: End of conversation Bea: You need to go to school Bea: Not up for discussion Buster: No, I need not to fall behind, which I'm not Buster: Why does it matter? You never normally bother to keep tabs Bea: Don't talk to me like that when you've given us reason to need to and you've always benefitted off our parenting approach before now Bea: What aren't you telling me, Buster? Buster: How exactly have I given you reason not to trust me? Buster: If I'm not telling you something, there's a reason Bea: When you may or may not have impregnated that girl Bea: is reason enough, no? Buster: When she took advantage of me, you mean Buster: Everyone else understands how fucked up that was, why don't you? Bea: I understand Bea: I also understand how you got yourself in the situation that was even a possibility Buster: So it's my fault for getting wasted Buster: Really nice, mum Bea: That isn't what I'm saying or what we're talking about Buster: What then? Buster: Let's not waste each other's time, shall we Bea: You're not too old for a slap Bea: But you are too old to behave like this Bea: Right, what's going on with you and Rio? Buster: I already told you why we're here Bea: Not what I asked or meant Bea: but your avoidance will speak for you if you don't chime in Buster: What do you want me to say? Buster: You clearly think you know something as things stand Bea: The truth Bea: I want to hear it from you Buster: I can't Bea: Oh God Bea: I don't need to hear the ins and outs but I'm right, aren't I? Buster: Nobody's in the headspace for this right now, mum Buster: Can't you just forget it Buster: Whatever you think Bea: No, I can't Bea: if I could I would Bea: what are you thinking Bea: you're only going to make things awkward for yourself Buster: Whatever you're not thinking, that's what I'm thinking Buster: 'Cause this isn't what you reckon it is, alright? Bea: So you're not sleeping together? Buster: Yeah but Bea: I knew it Bea: well, on both your heads be it because this won't end well Bea: I don't have to tell you how stupid it is Buster: I shouldn't have to tell you that I don't care, but I will if you need to hear it Buster: It's not stupid to us Bea: Evidently Buster: Don't Buster: You don't understand Bea: What don't I understand? Buster: I love her Buster: No, we love each other Bea: Don't joke about things like that Buster: I'm serious Bea: What Bea: No Bea: You better not be Buster: I am Buster: And she is Bea: When did this happen exactly Bea: how Buster: When did we get together or when did I fall in love with her? Buster: As for how, as you'd realized you must have some idea, yeah? Bea: When do you think you fell in love Bea: I do have some idea as for when it first started, I'm sure Buster: Maybe when I was a kid Buster: I've been fighting it for so long, I don't even know Buster: But we said it at Granddad's birthday Bea: Don't be ridiculous, that's a childhood crush Bea: How do you even know, you're so young Buster: You do know how much a hypocrite you're being, right? Buster: Shall I break the news to dad that you don't love him or would you rather Bea: This isn't about me and your Father Bea: it's different, you're different Buster: Maybe but I'm not a child Bea: No Bea: Just Bea: like you said, no one needs this Buster: We aren't going to tell anyone Buster: Else, I mean Buster: Someone else might but Bea: Well who the hell else knows Buster: Chloe thinks she does but I sorted that Buster: The main problem is that Drew knows for sure Buster: So far he's only told Indie but I doubt he's in any mood to keep our secrets now Bea: This is ridiculous Bea: Lord Buster: I'm sorry Buster: Not about me and her but that he can be the one to out us, especially right now Bea: No, I'm sorry for you Bea: because you have no idea how difficult you're making things for yourself Bea: it's you two that'll get hurt Bea: it might make a few people uncomfortable but really, not our business who you decide to bed in general so Bea: can't you just stop Buster: I get what you're saying but I do know how hard its already been Buster: And what it's already been like trying to act like we don't feel this way Buster: That really hurts too Buster: So no, we don't want wanna stop Buster: We wanna be together Bea: But how do you suppose you're going to do that if you're not going to tell everyone and live open and honest Bea: It won't work Buster: The same as we have been Buster: We will tell everyone, just not yet, like Buster: Unless Drew does and we have to Bea: You aren't going to have a choice Bea: he has no reason not to Bea: and that will taint how this is percieved, like it or not Buster: I can't make Rio tell everyone now, mum Buster: She doesn't even wanna go home as it is Bea: So let Drew speak for you? Buster: You know I don't want that Bea: I know Bea: I can't promise you he won't Bea: and I fail to see how you can assure that either yourself Bea: either way, you'll be forced to react somehow Buster: I've hurt him before, if I need to I'll do it again Bea: That's neither sensible nor practical Bea: though I see the appeal Buster: Tell what to do then Buster: If you were me, how would you handle it? Bea: You have to own it Bea: or else everyone else will decide what it is for you Bea: personally, I'd want to say before he did but if she can't then Bea: she can't, simple as Bea: but she isn't planning to stay in Skerries forever is she Buster: Obviously not Buster: She's coming back to London with me Bea: Nice of you to run that past me Bea: it's only my house, like Buster: She doesn't have to stay there but she's still coming Buster: I could hardly run it past you when I've only just convinced her myself and I didn't expect to have this convo Buster: What could I have said, exactly? Buster: She needs me, it's that simple Buster: If you don't like it, you don't like it Buster: I don't care Bea: You'd be running it past me when she was suddenly there Bea: Talk whatever shit you like we're not quite that checked out Bea: You're 18, you have no business doing anything like this, especially when your priority is where you'll be come October Buster: I have no business doing what, being in love? Buster: Or trying to take care of Rio after months and months of Drew's bullshit? Bea: Of moving her in! Bea: That's too far Buster: Then we'll go to a hotel Buster: It's not the first time Bea: You're going home and you're focusing on your exams Buster: I'm focusing on my exams regardless Buster: But I'll be staying with Rio, wherever that is Bea: Fine, it's your life Bea: but I don't have to fund it Bea: we'll cover the basics but that's it Buster: Fine Buster: I'm not doing this for a holiday Bea: If she's really coming to London then she can stay whilst she gets sorted with what she's doing but you aren't just moving her in Buster: That was never my intention Buster: I'm not trying to use this fucked up situation to my own advantage like that. Give me some credit, Jesus Bea: I didn't say you were Bea: I'm telling you to not get carried away, or try to tell me how it is in my own home Buster: What do you think is going to happen? Buster: I'm just trying to look after her Buster: I thought you'd be happy about that much Bea: Obviously I care about Rio and her wellbeing Bea: I just don't want you to get caught up in this because it's been so intense thus far Buster: I hear you but you have to understand that I'm deep in this Buster: I love her Bea: I know Bea: but you have to understand your sister also believes she's deeply in love with her straight married teacher so Bea: you and your cousin? I was hoping we'd be able to skip this conversation Bea: forgive me Buster: I'm sorry, mum Buster: It's not like I wanted this to happen, okay Buster: I tried really hard not to want it or let it Buster: For years I couldn't even be in the same room as her, do you have any idea what that's like? Bea: I know you didn't Bea: It Bea: it is what it is Bea: it's a shock but, if it can't be helped then it can't Buster: I know I keep letting you down Buster: But don't hate me, yeah? Buster: Or her Bea: I don't hate you Bea: either of you Bea: It isn't even that it's strictly a bad thing Bea: just a complicated thing, okay? Buster: Yeah Buster: Everything's a mess Buster: But she's the only thing keeping me sane through any of it Bea: Are things really that bad? Bea: I know the Chloe situation is stressful but Buster: It's not just stressful, what she's capable of is scares the shit out of me Buster: Add all the sneaking around and having to handle everything Drew's been trying to do Buster: I don't get to be honest with anyone about basically anything Bea: No, sorry, I shouldn't have worded it that way Bea: That is a lot for you to shoulder Bea: but the Drew stuff is over now, he's finished Bea: and you can talk to me and your Dad, I know you probably don't want to, about many things, but you always can Buster: It's not over for us 'cause he knows and whether he says anything now or not, there's the threat of it until we can speak for ourselves like you said Buster: It's another thing hanging over me while the Chloe thing still is Bea: That's why I really don't think you should wait much longer Bea: Easier said than done, I know but it probably would be easier than the stress of this Buster: But if I rush her into this and it goes badly with everyone else it'll ruin everything Buster: I can't lose her Buster: Not 'cause of him Bea was timed out 87 minutes ago Bea joined the chat 86 minutes ago Bea: Everyone will be alright Bea: Especially her family, they're pretty progressive Buster: Are you gonna tell dad about this? Bea: I don't have to Bea: It's up to you Buster: Please don't Buster: He'll look at me like I'm a massive fuck up again Bea: Oh, Buster Bea: Look, you can't help what you feel Bea: all you can do is work out the best way to handle it and move forward Bea: I won't say anything, period, so don't worry about that Bea: if this is what you want, then we'll both be happy for you, as long as you are Buster: Yeah? Buster: She makes me happy Buster: I know I need to handle it better though Bea: Yeah Bea: You don't need to have everything worked out, okay Bea: but you know, it helps if you can at least act it to the world Buster: Well, if nothing else, I can do that, like Bea: I know you can Buster: I love you too, you know that, yeah? Bea: Of course we do Bea: and we love you Buster: I swear you won't always have to deal with shit like this from me Bea: You're a teenager, it's what you're meant to do Bea: Don't worry about us, we're big enough and ugly enough to handle whatever you reckon you've got, that's our job Bea: Don't forget that, I know we aren't always there but we are, yeah? Buster: I do know that Buster: I just didn't always want it but Buster: I'm tired now, I'm so tired of acting like this all the time Buster: Not gonna let my guard down to the fucking world, like, what you said was right but Bea: I get it Bea: It's not a crime to want to work some things out on your own but you don't need to be isolated when that's no longer what you want Bea: It's normal, well, normal for us Buster: It's not always a bad thing Buster: I'm not trying to say you fucked me up, don't worry Bea: I'll just mark it down as another teenage cliche if you do, cheek Buster: I save those for Nance Bea: I'd tell her you said that Bea: but I've been enjoying the lack of squabbling and bitching lately Buster: Yeah, well I can't promise anything after she finds out everything I'm not telling her Bea: It's like you said Bea: she took advantage of you, and has been playing mindgames ever since Bea: your sister will understand only too well what she's capable of Bea: again, going to be a shock but she isn't going to blame you Buster: It'll be alright Buster: Whatever I have to do Bea: Yes Bea: Good Buster: Thanks mum, seriously Buster: I wasn't trying to turn this convo into you talking me off the ledge, like Bea: No need Bea: If you say you've got School handled, I believe you Bea: just keep me in the loop of what you're going to do next, yeah? Buster: I will Buster: We are coming back soon, I'm working on it Buster: What's it like there? Do I even wanna ask Bea: I know Bea: She's on autopilot now, which is good for the baby but any time I try to make her talk she just reminds me of stressing the baby so Bea: she's shutdown, frankly Buster: She's due soon Buster: Fuck knows if that'll be better or worse Bea: She feels most comfortable in medical settings Bea: I don't want to go there with how you can lose control in birth because well Bea: She just falls back on what needs to be done, always has Buster: Is she still home? I won't bring Rio to ours if you want Ro there Bea: No, she won't leave, her whole birth plan is in Dublin, you know how rigid she is Bea: I'll be staying here with her for a bit Bea: she'd already nested heavily, with his crap out there's barely a trace of Drew so Buster: Okay Buster: What about dad? Bea: He's already back in London Bea: he finds all this difficult, and Ro Buster: Who can blame him? Bea: Well, exactly Bea: but as I said, you're welcome to both go back there, I can warn him if you like but he'll be busy and you know he's not one to ask questions Buster: I can handle it Buster: You've got enough to do Bea: Alright Bea: I'll be commuting back and forth but I probably won't have much chance to check in at home Bea: but you know where I am Buster: Yeah Buster: And you can call me whenever, like Buster: I'll answer Buster: Except if I'm at school, 'cause you know, really important stuff Bea: Watch it Buster: Look after yourself too, mum, yeah? Bea: 'Course Buster: Then we're done Bea: There are more socially acceptable ways to end conversations, you know Buster: As well as less socially acceptable ones Buster: But fine Bea: Goodbye, Buster Buster: See you around, mum