#its almost 5 am maybe this is incoherent. if i hate it when i wake up ill just delete it ok goodnight

[the-lark-ascending69]

The Robin x Nancy x Steve love triangle is compelling not when Steve and Robin's friendship is nearly destroyed just over a girl, but when their own flaws lead them to distrust and hurt each other. They just happen to come up and be in opposition to each other when they're in love with the same girl. Maybe Robin gets excessively excited, thinking she will have Steve's unconditional support, and then becomes defensive and retreats back to her more mean and sarcastic persona when she realizes Steve very strongly opposes to her pursuing Nancy (babygirl decided to spill her heart just the moment before Steve was going to tell her he and Nancy got back together). Maybe Steve's mistake was clinging too much to Nancy and the future he himself imagined for both of them, and assuming Robin would never actually interfere in his heterosexual picket fence dream, because she would inevitably find another lesbian to be with and certainly not his dream girl, Nancy Wheeler. Maybe Robin feels his opposition as a personal attack (Nancy is his girl, at his point, why wouldn't he tell Robin to back down?), and bites back because she feels like a cornered animal, desperate to defend herself (no, she's not fundamentally broken! She's allowed to feel! Don't hurt her!). Maybe Steve should have considered the fact thay Robin isn't his personal support lesbian and it's unreasonable to expect her not to develop feelings for a girl that wasn't even dating him at that point yet. "If you loved her so much, maybe you should have told her about your feelings before I told her about mine! You can't get mad at me! I didn't even know you liked her! But you do know she doesn't like girls, right?" He says. And she says "you don't even know what she wants because you never listen to her! Steve The Hair Harrington only ever thinks about himself. And to think I actually thought you weren't a mayor asshole, but it seems you were just watching from afar, waiting for her to leave her boyfriend and come back running to you and your six babies."

She thinks she was stupid for letting his charm affect her enough to befriend him, and he's just angry she suddenly gets to have a say in his relationship (even though he would realize she was right about Nancy all along if he just listened to at least one of them for five minutes).

[equiteslegati]

1/12/19 If They Were 5 Minutes Later

I would have taken every chemical in the house and drank it. I would have taken my mother's gun and shot myself all over, then once in the head last night. I would have broken every promise that I've made to everyone in my life by not outliving everyone. My friends that commited suicide would be disappointed. I promised the I would live for them. I've lost so much already, and I can't lose much more. I've already lost myself. There is so much more going on in my life than just the past month and I refuse to talk about it anywhere else, just because I don't need to go to a mental hospital. Since my crash in late July, I have been a on a degrading train wreck and its been getting worse so slowly every day. I don't know where to start- the mental breakdowns in silence, the growing foreign thoughts, forgetting more every day, the nose bleeds I quit bringing up, the overbearing depression I can't shake, the fact that I stopped trying to honestly live, the fact that in the past 6 months, I have had a stronger desire to take my own life. In the past 6 months, I have had more trouble remembering most of my life now. Then I'll temporarily remember- then just as I remember, it dies within me. My happiness runs away from me like I am the plague. I haven't found the joy in doing things I onced loved doing. Everything has been taken away from me and I don't even know if it's all my fault anymore. I guess if what I'm told is correct, I take the blame heavily and I still continue to [I'm not bringing that up because of my ex, but because I somehow don't doubt this fact]. I don't recall everything I want and need to. I have had an even harder time processing emotions. The things I do recall as of this current week- My mother came over tonight on 1/13/19 and ended up getting into a fight with my stepfather, and he's blaming me for her getting into the house. They're getting a divorce. I don't know if I'm going to be living here anymore. He said he was going to call the cops on me. I'm sure my mother will blame me for this divorce just like every last one. My sisters still hate me and I have never felt like my family was my own. I just want to feel loved and appreciated as family. Nobody has ever wanted me or stops wanting me. My friends always left me, and some of the few that have stayed are angry with me because of my recent decisions. I haven't been able to shake the amount of guilt I feel because of everything I did to my ex. I can't shake the shame I feel due to my own family hating me so much. I have nowhere to go if I'm removed from here. I have no place to live aside from this prison I've been in. I've been here since 2013, and I haven't been able to shake the feeling that it's a prison. I don't feel alive anymore. Joy has always been temporary to me due to life experiences. Before recently, all of my best friends somehow betrayed me and turned against me, took people from me. I stayed friends with some of the worst people because I didn't want to be alone. I've always felt alone, even being around people I say I love. I've mentally imprisoned myself. I wasn't supposed to live past 18. I was going to kill myself on my birthday. I tried to kill myself a total of around 5 times as far back as I can recall up to now, and either I suffered instead, or was stopped. I backed down from at least 28 total other attempts, because I started to clear my mind and think properly. I started to worry that I would hurt others and cause irreversible damage to everyone around me. I started smoking cigarettes again. I dipped some in chemicals and let them dry just to play roulette. My throat swells on occasion and burns like hell if I grab the wrong one. I don't necessarily care anymore anyway, so what would be the point if I wasn't having fun? I already think my coworkers tried to poison me once or twice. I can't trust anybody. not even myself anymore. Some people say they want to die until they try and they're too late to undo what they did. Nobody commits to the act and still wants it. Nobody wants to truly die, everybody wants to be saved. I can tell you every time aside from the first last time, that I wanted to be saved from it. Last night, I started smashing my head into everything I could and I started to black out I guess, because I was going in and out of a blank spot. I grabbed whatever was around me. I don't remember what the items were. Glass bottles, metal canisters, anything hard and heavy. I repeatedly smashed them into the side of my head, against my ears, all around and above them, I tried taking heavy objects and attempted to crush in my temples. I'm sure I gave myself a concussion, because after I left, I ended up blacking out on my way home, waking up on the ground. Nobody came to save me, help me. I managed to make it home after around 40 minutes [I only knew because my mother got back on the hour and when I got inside, the clock read around 40 minutes past. I was on the phone and I kept blacking out. I kept waking up to a phonecall, and from what I was told, I was incoherent most of the night. I was told that they were trying to keep me awake long enough so that I wouldn't wind up in a coma or something. My head still hurts and I have had a rough time balancing since yesterday. I can't focus, and I was forgetting what I was saying mid sentence, no recollection of what was going on. I just knew my head hurt like hell. I'm still dizzy, and on top of my incline of mental instability for the past 6 months, my body functions being ruined, on top of going through a breakup, overdose and withdraw following, on top of the divorce situation, I've almost come to terms I won't make it out of 2019 alive and there's honestly not anything I can think of to change my mind. I have 352 days to make this my year, or I promise the world that as of tonight, if I can't make 2019 my year, I am going to leave you all before the turn of the decade. It pains me dearly to say this, but I can't bear disappointing everyone anymore, I can't bear being a burden, I can't bear breaking anymore promises, I can't handle life anymore. I now understand why I couldn't ever make anybody else happy. I was never truly happy with myself, I wasn't able to please myself. I never was. So maybe this is my last confession, albeit halfassed- that if I can't turn life around by the end of the year, I will be sure to remove every last trace of myself from this planet. I'm sorry for everyone I've let down in my 25 years of living. I just wanted a peaceful life at this point and that has been rather selfish of me. I will commit to one more selfish act before I think of everyone I've ever wronged. If I cannot truly find what I want out of life, I will put everyone at ease knowing nobody has to worry about me ever again. This letter is to every last one of you that I have hurt, and done wrong by. Maybe if I can't succeed in my final life goals, erasing myself from existence will help atone for my sins against every last one of you. I regret ever thinking I was becoming a normal human being. I am not like the rest of you, and I feel horrible for thinking a miserable piece of shit like me could ever be human. Some people once called me their guardian angel, some people called me simply an angel. I am none of those things. I am a monster. I'm so sorry, everyone. Please forgive me. Truly, Kamiyame Kamineko Equites Legati Kama Katastrophe Suicide Society