#its almost 5 am maybe this is incoherent. if i hate it when i wake up ill just delete it ok goodnight

[the-lark-ascending69]

The Robin x Nancy x Steve love triangle is compelling not when Steve and Robin's friendship is nearly destroyed just over a girl, but when their own flaws lead them to distrust and hurt each other. They just happen to come up and be in opposition to each other when they're in love with the same girl. Maybe Robin gets excessively excited, thinking she will have Steve's unconditional support, and then becomes defensive and retreats back to her more mean and sarcastic persona when she realizes Steve very strongly opposes to her pursuing Nancy (babygirl decided to spill her heart just the moment before Steve was going to tell her he and Nancy got back together). Maybe Steve's mistake was clinging too much to Nancy and the future he himself imagined for both of them, and assuming Robin would never actually interfere in his heterosexual picket fence dream, because she would inevitably find another lesbian to be with and certainly not his dream girl, Nancy Wheeler. Maybe Robin feels his opposition as a personal attack (Nancy is his girl, at his point, why wouldn't he tell Robin to back down?), and bites back because she feels like a cornered animal, desperate to defend herself (no, she's not fundamentally broken! She's allowed to feel! Don't hurt her!). Maybe Steve should have considered the fact thay Robin isn't his personal support lesbian and it's unreasonable to expect her not to develop feelings for a girl that wasn't even dating him at that point yet. "If you loved her so much, maybe you should have told her about your feelings before I told her about mine! You can't get mad at me! I didn't even know you liked her! But you do know she doesn't like girls, right?" He says. And she says "you don't even know what she wants because you never listen to her! Steve The Hair Harrington only ever thinks about himself. And to think I actually thought you weren't a mayor asshole, but it seems you were just watching from afar, waiting for her to leave her boyfriend and come back running to you and your six babies."

She thinks she was stupid for letting his charm affect her enough to befriend him, and he's just angry she suddenly gets to have a say in his relationship (even though he would realize she was right about Nancy all along if he just listened to at least one of them for five minutes).

[capricornus-rex]

Someone Left to Save (12)

Cal Kestis x Reader

Requested by Anon

Summary: The Mantis crew arrives to the capital of Ulfin, in the planet of Pevera, under siege. They meet the local rebel cell spearheaded by the former Republic admiral, Jax Beneb, who seeks to destroy the Empire’s occupation that was aggressively imposed upon while exploiting the planet of its natural resources. A plan is devised to destroy the Imperial’s main base of operations—as well as their influence—in the planet; however, it was a do-or-die mission that you and Cal had gotten yourselves caught in.

A/N: Editing and formatting this on the mobile app is straight up HORRIBLE. I know it’s an old thing now to know that the mobile app is not recommendable for content creation, but hey I’m making do with what I can. Also, I’ve already posted this chapter yesterday on AO3, it only delayed because like I keep saying, editing on the app is horrible.

Tags: Force-Sensitive! Reader, Inquisitor! Reader, Jedi! Reader, Fake Death, Jedi turned Inquisitor, Seduction to the Dark Side, Turn to the Dark Side, The Dark Side of the Force, Aftermath of Torture, Torture, Psychological Torture, Redemption Arc! Reader, Possible Redemption, Premonitions | Additional tags: Jeddah

Also in AO3

Chapters: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10 | Previous: Part 11 | Next: Part 13 | Masterlist

12 of ?

Cal ran as fast as his legs can carry him until he got to a significant distance away from the bridge.

His next problem was finding his way back to the Mantis, but that’s besides the point. He took shelter in an extension of the temple, to catch his breath, but eventually the toll takes on his body. All of the sudden, the exact wave of emotions when he saw you came back to him. He still couldn’t believe it, he simply can’t, not after believing for so long that you were alive.

Pressing his back against the cold, stone walls, he slides down and reduces into a curled up ball; not even covering his eyes with his hands stopped the tears from overflowing. They spilled through the spaces between his fingers, the edges of his palms, and trickled down on his forearms. His heart ached as he sobbed. Of all things, why did this had to happen to him? And of all people to deliver him the worst of news, why did it have to be you?

“I can’t believe it…” he sobbed, his breath shuddering as he exhaled.

“Bee… Bee, trill, chirp!” BD-1 urged the boy to stand up and find their way out before you find them.

Cal sniffled and struggled to bring himself up to his feet. This was much worse a battle than the duel that he just had with you.

“You’re right, BD,” he concurred. “Come on…”

The boy was awfully quiet during their trek out of the temple cave. If BD chirped, he’d be received with silence, or perhaps the closest the bot can come to a reply is an out-of-the-moment “Huh?” and a weak, indifferent hum. Eventually, he gave up until they found their way out.

End of the road for Cal and BD-1.

Both of them peer on the drop at the edge of Cal’s boots. The sunlight pierced through the cracks on the cave’s walls and ceiling, revealing a body of water. The redhead youngster wagered it would be twenty feet between the rock he’s standing on and the water. He took a deep breath and dived in.

A literal splash of cold water all over him and he’s still having it rough in accepting what you have become. He swam forward, until he could find dry land; when he did, he climbed up and shook off the water from his clothes and boots.

“Cere, do you read?”

“Cal, I read. What’s going on? Are you still in the temple?”

“Yeah, I am, but I’m trying to find another way out.”

“What’s happened?”

“Uh… Um, there was a… a cave in.”

“Are you alright?”

Cere won’t take Cal’s simple “Yeah” for an answer. Even from that single word, she heard how unusually warbly he sounded, his own voice betrayed him and she wanted in on it as to why he sounds odd--but of course, she won’t force the boy. The conversation abruptly ended from Cal’s line as he continued on to find his way out of the cave.

“I think there’s our light at the end of the tunnel,”

His exit was one of many from that temple cave. A different exit could’ve led to another place. In Cal’s case, he ended up in the south end of the mesa; a narrow ridge, wide enough for any species except a Hutt to tread on, wrapped around the wall. Cal hugs the wall, facing the open space, with his arms splayed and pressed against the hot rock baked by the sun, then shimmied until he could find a wider path.

Cal has already come around the corner, he can already spot the city and the Mantis—the dorsal fin poking out of the mesa—so he continued to shimmy the ridge until he could find someplace to safely land. Not long after, he reaches a rockwall where he can make the rocks sticking out of it as handholds. He struggled to scale it, as the heaviness of his body was making it harder for him; despite coming out of the duel unscathed, the manifestations in his mind was affecting his body. He exerted more effort, he worked up a sweat in climbing the remaining height and the Mantis was a sight for his puffy, sore eyes.

“There’s the Mantis!”

The boy comes sprinting towards the vessel, hot air filling his lungs, warming his throat, and the sweltering humidity pelting his skin. He’d love a shower when he gets there.

The entry ramp unfurled when its censors spotted him, he didn’t wait for it to completely fold out, he jumped in the first second he could plant his feet on the ramp. This is the second time he eagerly barged into the Mantis, surprising everyone—except for Cere, who was already expecting an explanation from the young Jedi Knight.

“There’s something you all need to know,”

The entire crew clustered around Cere and Cal. The older female Jedi hardened herself, a way of preparing herself for what she’s about to hear, and she inhaled deeply when Cal opened his mouth.

“[Y/N] is alive… and she’s an Inquisitor now!”

Much like Cal the first time, the Mantis crew couldn’t believe it. BD-1 got Cal’s back when he flashed a data scan of you in the middle of your duel when you were unaware of the little droid. That is when the crew finally took Cal’s word for it. Cere stared at the holographic image of you long and hard, she questions if her eyes are playing a trick on her… but no, they aren’t. It really is you.

Examining your image more intently, she notices the changes in your face even though they were subtle. The shadows under your eyes and the redness along its rims, she asks BD to enlarge the image, when the droid obliged she spotted bruises on your neck and jugular. All of her findings suggest the exact same theory in her head: torture.

“Cal, did you notice that she had bruises and small wounds on her neck and face?”

“W-Well… Not really. I was still kinda overwhelmed back there when I saw her again,” said the boy quite somberly.

“Hmm,” the older woman hummed. “Because there are typical wounds you’d get when you’re kept in an Imperial torture chair. I had the same wounds, except [Y/N]’s are more prominent. It could only mean they’d kept her there longer than they usually would to a prisoner, especially if it were Jedi.”

The thought of you strapped into the torture chair for a much longer period of time pained Cal more. He could only imagine the agonizing screams and cries that would have escaped your throat for every time they pulled the switch to turn the current on. Suddenly, he felt woozy and his footing failed; Merrin and Cere caught him in time.

“Your poor thing, you need to rest,” uttered Merrin.

“Yeah, I… I just need to clean myself up and some time alone.”

He politely shook himself off of the ladies’ collective hold of him and headed for the bath. The water rained on his head and then trickled all over his entire body, bringing the sandy gunk along into the drain; the shower felt like a prison cell, theres’ a gloomy peace in this glass box, but ironically so, that’s what he exactly needed to think it all through.

Cal gently thumped his head against the wall, still letting the water run on him while doing bare minimum scrubbing—droplets fall from his strong jaw, the tip of his nose and lips, he’d blink away the water that clung on his eyelashes. He closes his eyes until the hissy sound of the running water had dulled in his earshot.

How he had wished he would have snuck a single grab of your saber, your hand, or your cheek just to see what you’ve been through. He’d willingly go through the nightmares that reside in your head, playing in every waking second which fueled your anger and hate. Then the words struck his mind.

“You abandoned me, Cal!”

“That sounded like an accusation,” he pondered. His nails cracked as he scratched the glass wall. “But you don’t really mean that, do you?”

Eventually, the tears mixed in with the shower’s water that it’s hard to tell. But Cal’s shoulders shook and then relaxed as he begins to weep again.

“I missed you so much… if only I could’ve told you that, to let you know. Even if it didn’t make you turn back, to come back to me. I just wanted to make sure you don’t forget...”

Even through the fogged glass, BD-1 can see Cal’s silhouette succumbing to the floor and curling up, he can hear the boy sobbing and incoherent muttering altogether. There’s nothing much the little one can do, as well, except to sit by and trill sad chirps. 

—-

Meanwhile, back in the temple cave, you didn’t waste your energy in trying to dislodge the boulder in the archway. Like Cal’s exit, you had your own where you stood. You followed the path and led to a tunnel; you’re let out to what ought to be a canyon, though you have no idea where you exactly are.

Referring to your gauntlet, the small screen indicated the signature of your TIE Fighter on the map grid. From where you stand, it’s almost a seven-mile trek and you’re thirsty and hungry. Luckily, your TIE had a function that allows you to “hail” it and let it come to you even without a pilot.

“Maybe a sightseeing trip wouldn’t hurt my objective,” you mused.

Your TIE Fighter comes flying over the canyons until it converged to your signal. 

The ship hovered over your head, sending the coattails of your armor's top flapping like wild in the thrusters' hot wind. You didn't mind, you simply hopped into the cockpit and flew to the nearby Imperial garrison. As the distance shrinks, you ponder if you'll have any luck in this endeavor.

The Imperial scanners have picked up the signature of your ship.

"This is TIE Fighter TZX-2527, requesting permission to dock,"

From the other end, the operators recognize your voice. One of them previewed the flat image of your ship on their screen and turned their heads to the deck commander.

"Sir, this is an Inquisitor's TIE Fighter!"

A sudden chill pelted his arms despite wearing a full-bodied uniform. He gulped the nervous lump lodged in the center of his throat many time before he could swallow smoothly again. He turned to the cadet manning the computers who previewed your TIE Fighter and gave him the go signal to let you through.

"Your ship's been verified, Inquisitor, you may begin your landing phase in Bay 5."

"Excellent. I'll be on my way,"

The transmission ends and you make your way to the Imperial docking bay, you promptly prepped your TIE into its landing cycle and daintily put it on the ground. A pair of Stormtroopers escorted you into the main hold of the fortification. After a ten-minute walk from the landing bay to the command hall, you meet the person in charge peering at the dusty nothingness through the window.

He was an aging man—the lines drawn over his face proved that he had served before the Empire, his lowered brow gave off a permanent scowl over a pair of tired, old eyes. He turns around as he hears the door open.

"Inquisitor," he greets with a curt bow, he doesn't turn away from you.

"Captain Foros," you greet, though the coldness in your tone overpowers the politeness. "I should thank you for letting me stay here."

"Aye, no one would want to stay out there, where it's wretchedly sweltering,"

You joined his side, standing in front of the same window where he observes the land, it later dawned on him that you're so young—and yet you carried yourself in a mature regard in your stride and posture.

Slowly turning your head from the window to his face, you smile at his comment—regardless if he doesn't see it.

"I'm pleased we have something to agree on,"

Getting past the niceties and icebreakers, a minute lapsed before you began asking him. He walked with you to the holotable in the center of the room.

"Has there been any word about a Jedi running around in this planet?"

"As a matter of fact, Inquisitor, we have been receiving relayed reports in the neighboring town northwest of here. That's Sector J8 in the grid."

"I see," you hummed, intrigued. "What kind of reports have you been hearing from the northwestern town?"

The old captain sighed, preparing mental bullet list of Cal's activities in the main town of Jeddah; there's too much to mention and elaborate in detail, so he pressed a button on the holotable to present a series of surveillance images taken in different areas of the town. 

Your eyes wandered from one frame to another. All of the cameras captured a clear picture of the boy—whether he idled in crowded public areas, running, or swinging his saber at Stormtroopers.

Yep, that's him. You tell yourself.

"Well, it started out with sightings which eventually caused some suspicion. When the troops close in on him, he tends to leave a trail of their bodies in his wake, and then he'll bolt away until he's out of sight!"

"Ahh," you purred, smiling again with satisfaction underneath that mask. "Yes. I know this particular Jedi."

You suddenly turned quiet. Captain Foros turned to you, confused after detecting the rather amused tone in your voice, despite the mood of the situation that he just narrated. He angled his head with a thoughtful expression as he tried to read you.

There was something else that you sense about that town. You stand still in front of the holotable, concentrating everything on that town, there was an unspeakable urge within you that prompted you to march back to the window and peer at the quiet, unbothered town.

Looks like your to-do list just got longer.

"Captain?"

He stiffens upon the call of his rank.

"I'm going to need a speeder. I think I'll give the quaint town a little field visit."

"Right away, Inquisitor!"

Two snaps of his fingers prompted an officer to scramble from their post and march towards him. He sternly gave the order to prepare an elite-type speeder bike for you. He obediently responded, saluted to the captain before turning away to proceed with the given task. Within half an hour, you were escorted by one of the officers to the hangar.

You hopped on and revved up the engine. The bike sped out of the docking bay, with your eyes set out for that town.

[bromosapiens]

How much would you hate me if I told you to do every fuckin' one on that ask meme.

a lot

1) Sexuality? 

if you need to ask you obviously havent spent more than five minutes on my blog

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? 

snoop dogg i think we covered this

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. 

“...de ses plus belles trouvailles. Il semble que certaines réalités...”

4) What do you think about most? 

how fucking insane it is that in america annotating and analysing six essays in the span of an hour constitutes an education

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say? 

“like damn”

6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on? 

mmm usually without cest la vie here in texas

7) What's your strangest talent? 

i can rap all of lose yourself backwards to the tune of the backyardigans theme song

8) Girls.... (finish the sentence); Boys.... (finish the sentence) 

girls are scary and powerfulboys are also scary and powerful but sometimes its hot

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you? 

if you count shitass stoned rambles sure

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar? 

like yesterday

11) Do you have any strange phobias? 

freezing to death

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? 

sure who doesnt

13) What's your religion? 

im a karkatstian

15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? 

in front of it bitchbut back in my photography phase both were applicable because all i took pictures of was myself and likerocks

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? 

crywank rn i just feel em in my soul

18) Do you believe in karma? 

ironically sure but not really

19) What does your URL mean? 

take a wild fucking guess

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? 

my inability to comprehend literally anything; my mario skills

21) Who is your celebrity crush? 

probably darren criss or pete wentz but only because i still have his dick pics saved on my laptop

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping? 

hells fucking yes

23) How do you vent your anger? 

ask karkat

24) Do you have a collection of anything? 

swords knives lighters pipes and bandaids with designs on themwhat else do ya need

25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? 

on the phone because video chat is just awkward af

26) Are you happy with the person you've become? 

could be better idk

27) What's a sound you hate; sound you love? 

nails against a wall; incoherent whispering

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? 

im not so sure about aliens but i can reassure you right now that ghosts are real and they are dicksi have first hand experience

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. 

i almost knocked over my coffee thanks

with my right id have to reach behind me a bit but the side of the futonbelow my left arm is navy

31) Smell the air. What do you smell? 

coffee and sweatwelcome to my home

32) What's the worst place you have ever been to? 

new york city

33) Choose East Coast or West Coast? 

east coast west coast seems really white

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? 

janelle monae

35) To you, what is the meaning of life? 

taco bell dicks out

36) Define Art. 

art: when people do things so that other people can enjoy those things

37) Do you believe in luck? 

i dont really think so nahreminds me of an old friend though

38) What's the weather like right now? 

its kinda chilly actually and clouds are rollin ingood thing im inside and not outside

39) What time is it? 

about 8

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? 

i do and i have but i wasnt the one that crashed iti was in a crash though

41) What was the last book you read? 

the one im reading rn is A l'ombre des jeunes filles en fleurs but its for class so im not sure that counts

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline? 

yeah actually

43) Do you have any nicknames? 

avi / asshat / furry / birdfucker / the weird strider / oh him again / god that hurts my eyes / is he okay

44) What was the last movie you saw? 

im pretty sure it was some documentary on bbc

45) What's the worst injury you've ever had? 

uhhhhhhhh i havent really broken any bones or anything but i was stabbed once*multiple timesi was grazed by a bullet once too

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly? 

nah i wish

47) Do you have any obsessions right now? 

ive been playing my horse prince

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you? 

uhhh i dont think so unless any of yall wanna fess upwell there is the birdfucker thing

50) Do you believe in magic? 

listen do you know who i live with

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? 

not really nookay maybe a bit

52) What is your astrological sign? 

i have no clue im gonna take a wild guess and say sagittarius

53) Do you save money or spend it? 

spend it

54) What's the last thing you purchased? 

...a collar

55) Love or lust? 

why not both

56) In a relationship? 

hells yeah

57) How many relationships have you had? 

five or six i think

58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue? 

nah i wish

59) Where were you yesterday? 

god that sounds so threateningi was at work

60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? 

yeah my fuzzy socks

61) Are you wearing socks right now? 

see above

62) What's your favorite animal? 

birds are rad as hell

64) Where is your best friend? 

in nyc probably at home grading papers or doin homework or smth

65) Spit or swallow?(; 

swallow i aint a fuckin wimp

66) What is your heritage? 

white probablynah uhhh my moms actually half black but bros as white texan as it gets so all i inherited was some vague facial structure and borderline full albinismro got a bit more that i thinkand then roxs dad is black so we dont really look alikei dont know anything past my parents so dont ask

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM? 

god do you really have to aski think i was uhtalking to karkat

68) What do you think is Satan's last name? 

strider

69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? 

if anyone answers no to this i will be very concerned

70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? 

hell yeah life of the party

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? 

im already getting fired save the damn dogif i wasnt though id leave iti aint no hero aight

74) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? 

any fucking song from grease

75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 

0747 try and guess that one bitch

76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? 

god i have no clue this is my first

77) How can I win your heart? 

if you have to ask youve already won it

78) Can insanity bring on more creativity? 

i sure hope so cos thats where im headed

79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? 

proposing to hex

80) What size shoes do you wear? 

9 1/2

81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone? 

“cest la vie on this bitch of an earth”

82) What is your favorite word? 

bussy

83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. 

aardvark

84) What is a saying you say a lot? 

...cest la vie on this bitch of an earth

85) What's the last song you listened to? 

skateboard p (elijah who)

86) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors? 

fuck uhhhhhhhhhhh idk red

87) What is your current desktop picture? 

88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? 

derrek j fucking strider

90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do? 

“so whos going first”

91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? 

probably time travel idk just seems cool

93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? 

can we just trim my timeline up to about a year ago

94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? 

kevin abstract seems like hed be good in bed tbh

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? 

the bermuda triangle

96) Do you have any relatives in jail? 

i have no clueif dirks in jail no one told me

97) Have you ever thrown up in the car? 

sure fucking have

98) Ever been on a plane? 

sure fucking have

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? 

dont fucking waittime runs out

[equiteslegati]

1/12/19 If They Were 5 Minutes Later

I would have taken every chemical in the house and drank it. I would have taken my mother's gun and shot myself all over, then once in the head last night. I would have broken every promise that I've made to everyone in my life by not outliving everyone. My friends that commited suicide would be disappointed. I promised the I would live for them. I've lost so much already, and I can't lose much more. I've already lost myself. There is so much more going on in my life than just the past month and I refuse to talk about it anywhere else, just because I don't need to go to a mental hospital. Since my crash in late July, I have been a on a degrading train wreck and its been getting worse so slowly every day. I don't know where to start- the mental breakdowns in silence, the growing foreign thoughts, forgetting more every day, the nose bleeds I quit bringing up, the overbearing depression I can't shake, the fact that I stopped trying to honestly live, the fact that in the past 6 months, I have had a stronger desire to take my own life. In the past 6 months, I have had more trouble remembering most of my life now. Then I'll temporarily remember- then just as I remember, it dies within me. My happiness runs away from me like I am the plague. I haven't found the joy in doing things I onced loved doing. Everything has been taken away from me and I don't even know if it's all my fault anymore. I guess if what I'm told is correct, I take the blame heavily and I still continue to [I'm not bringing that up because of my ex, but because I somehow don't doubt this fact]. I don't recall everything I want and need to. I have had an even harder time processing emotions. The things I do recall as of this current week- My mother came over tonight on 1/13/19 and ended up getting into a fight with my stepfather, and he's blaming me for her getting into the house. They're getting a divorce. I don't know if I'm going to be living here anymore. He said he was going to call the cops on me. I'm sure my mother will blame me for this divorce just like every last one. My sisters still hate me and I have never felt like my family was my own. I just want to feel loved and appreciated as family. Nobody has ever wanted me or stops wanting me. My friends always left me, and some of the few that have stayed are angry with me because of my recent decisions. I haven't been able to shake the amount of guilt I feel because of everything I did to my ex. I can't shake the shame I feel due to my own family hating me so much. I have nowhere to go if I'm removed from here. I have no place to live aside from this prison I've been in. I've been here since 2013, and I haven't been able to shake the feeling that it's a prison. I don't feel alive anymore. Joy has always been temporary to me due to life experiences. Before recently, all of my best friends somehow betrayed me and turned against me, took people from me. I stayed friends with some of the worst people because I didn't want to be alone. I've always felt alone, even being around people I say I love. I've mentally imprisoned myself. I wasn't supposed to live past 18. I was going to kill myself on my birthday. I tried to kill myself a total of around 5 times as far back as I can recall up to now, and either I suffered instead, or was stopped. I backed down from at least 28 total other attempts, because I started to clear my mind and think properly. I started to worry that I would hurt others and cause irreversible damage to everyone around me. I started smoking cigarettes again. I dipped some in chemicals and let them dry just to play roulette. My throat swells on occasion and burns like hell if I grab the wrong one. I don't necessarily care anymore anyway, so what would be the point if I wasn't having fun? I already think my coworkers tried to poison me once or twice. I can't trust anybody. not even myself anymore. Some people say they want to die until they try and they're too late to undo what they did. Nobody commits to the act and still wants it. Nobody wants to truly die, everybody wants to be saved. I can tell you every time aside from the first last time, that I wanted to be saved from it. Last night, I started smashing my head into everything I could and I started to black out I guess, because I was going in and out of a blank spot. I grabbed whatever was around me. I don't remember what the items were. Glass bottles, metal canisters, anything hard and heavy. I repeatedly smashed them into the side of my head, against my ears, all around and above them, I tried taking heavy objects and attempted to crush in my temples. I'm sure I gave myself a concussion, because after I left, I ended up blacking out on my way home, waking up on the ground. Nobody came to save me, help me. I managed to make it home after around 40 minutes [I only knew because my mother got back on the hour and when I got inside, the clock read around 40 minutes past. I was on the phone and I kept blacking out. I kept waking up to a phonecall, and from what I was told, I was incoherent most of the night. I was told that they were trying to keep me awake long enough so that I wouldn't wind up in a coma or something. My head still hurts and I have had a rough time balancing since yesterday. I can't focus, and I was forgetting what I was saying mid sentence, no recollection of what was going on. I just knew my head hurt like hell. I'm still dizzy, and on top of my incline of mental instability for the past 6 months, my body functions being ruined, on top of going through a breakup, overdose and withdraw following, on top of the divorce situation, I've almost come to terms I won't make it out of 2019 alive and there's honestly not anything I can think of to change my mind. I have 352 days to make this my year, or I promise the world that as of tonight, if I can't make 2019 my year, I am going to leave you all before the turn of the decade. It pains me dearly to say this, but I can't bear disappointing everyone anymore, I can't bear being a burden, I can't bear breaking anymore promises, I can't handle life anymore. I now understand why I couldn't ever make anybody else happy. I was never truly happy with myself, I wasn't able to please myself. I never was. So maybe this is my last confession, albeit halfassed- that if I can't turn life around by the end of the year, I will be sure to remove every last trace of myself from this planet. I'm sorry for everyone I've let down in my 25 years of living. I just wanted a peaceful life at this point and that has been rather selfish of me. I will commit to one more selfish act before I think of everyone I've ever wronged. If I cannot truly find what I want out of life, I will put everyone at ease knowing nobody has to worry about me ever again. This letter is to every last one of you that I have hurt, and done wrong by. Maybe if I can't succeed in my final life goals, erasing myself from existence will help atone for my sins against every last one of you. I regret ever thinking I was becoming a normal human being. I am not like the rest of you, and I feel horrible for thinking a miserable piece of shit like me could ever be human. Some people once called me their guardian angel, some people called me simply an angel. I am none of those things. I am a monster. I'm so sorry, everyone. Please forgive me. Truly, Kamiyame Kamineko Equites Legati Kama Katastrophe Suicide Society