#its almost 5 am i have been thinking about those 2 nonstop dude

[superbellsubways]

iam so crazy

[biggameleroy]

Chocolate Chip

The first time I ever heard of the phrase chip on my shoulder I was young, too young so I assumed that it meant chocolate chips. How sweet to have a chip on your shoulder. A nice little snack for later I thought. Fast forward to now I clearly understand the point of the phrase/expression. Too much. I live it now. It's my burden to bear. It causes me great discomfort and great pain. But it has also become my greatest strength. . . . Have you ever felt different? That maybe you're destined for more? Of course you have. We all have. A lot of us young ones still do. Not out of arrogance or entitlement but just because we almost naively and childlikely believe everyone has their special place in life waiting for them. Some wish to be doctors or world leaders or lawyers. Some aspire to take something they love to do, hone that craft and perfect and create and perform said craft at the highest possible level, on the grandest stages on the planet (sports, theatre, literature, art, professional wrestling). Some wish to own their own land or property. To get something they've wanted after years of work and aspiring (farm, dream house, dream car). Some wish to find lifelong and meaningful connections (friendships, relationships, family,). Some just want go from poverty to wealth (started from the bottom, now we here?). But what happens when the world tells you no. You can't have that. Your not good enough and you never will be. Because you're you. And you don't deserve that. It's human nature for that to hurt. Always. It's the same effect when you tell a kid Santa isn't real or that eventually their parents and everyone they love will eventually die. It very literally is a dream crusher. It's the cruelest form of pain you can inflict on another. And in this corporate society we're taught to minimize our expectations. Yeah maybe don't shoot for the stars. But hey if you shoot for that 2 story building there's no way you won't get it. We're taught that subtlety by our own flesh and blood, our teachers, our peers, by television, heck even art in general sends that message. Thankfully some reject this notion. They push on to their goals and aspirations undeterred. They do what others say they can't do and shrug as if there wasn't a whole society working against them. Sometimes said people are guilty of settling. But how can you blame them. A nice 401K? A 9-5 you don't hate? A nuclear family that you love? What's not to like? And there's always lots of love and joy to be experienced from this. Maybe they'll get to the stars. But if they don't. They'll find a nice tall building to live their life in and be happy with it. But if you have a chip on your shoulder like me.... Then this life of love and joy is very difficult to maintain. . . . . . A chip on your shoulder in the simplest description means you have a lot to prove in an aggressive and passionate way. You wanting to accomplish feats doesn't always come from the joy of setting a goal and achieving it. It comes from proving the system wrong. It comes from flipping the bird to everyone and anyone who bet against you(heck even to anyone who didn't support your hustle from day one. How dare they! LOL). It comes from your heart and soul and it's an almost primal desire to prove your worth to the world. To some(let's be real to all) it'll come off as pushy and intense. Bitter. Angry. Especially depending on the person and how their chip has manifested over time and experiences it can be more angrier and bitter than others. In some cases however, some people's chips can be rather positive and motivational. You've heard the cases. People who were handed nothing and made it in a world that seemed to throw obstacle after obstacle. And now that they've overcome they can now truly live and be happy and they've earned it. Probably more so than any of us (yes even more so than me and you). Those people aren't necessarily angry and bitter about it either during the come up. They smile through their pain. Crack jokes about it. Then they say what they're going to achieve and just go again even harder. They're the kinda people who don't sleep. The kinda people who are always busy when they don't need to be. The kinda people who are always tired and yet still do things. The kinda people who are "burning the candle on both ends". That's what having a chip on your shoulder means to me. I've always thought that the most successful AND hard working individuals had their own chips on their shoulders. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is one of the most highest paid actors in Hollywood and is easily one of the most followed and has an insane amount of sponsorships and is set for life. He is always on the road flying to different locations for different movies on a crazy schedule that leaves little time to himself. Sounds like any rich dude huh? Well when he gets his free time (which is typically when he should be sleeping) he's in the gym. Working out. He used to be a legitimate Professional Wrestler and he looks in the best shape of his life still as his body is slowing down. He's doing this not for his roles (he could have had a regular bod and still been Hollywood great) he's doing this for himself. Because he's still hungry. He still has something to prove. He has a chip on his shoulder. And despite all the success he's had. It's still not enough. Maybe he needs to change the world. Be an example, an inspiration. He has an app challenging people to wake up at 4am like him and "seize the day and kick it's ass" as he would say. But I believe it's for him. Because when he looks in the mirror, he still sees the broke as s#&t reject football player who contemplated what was next in life for himself. Who battled depression and contemplated suicide. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm projecting. But food for thought amiright? . . . . My chip comes from being a nerd. A loser. Weird. Different. Geeky. Odd. Goofy. Corny. Spazy. Forever Virgin. Socially awkward. A faggot. Stupid. You name it. At one point I was it apparently. (not gay tho apparently people thought that?) And honestly I always thought I was the star of my own cartoon growing up. The Superhero of my comic book. The main character of my sitcom. The lead actor in my full feature cinema. The champion of champions. And for some reason. The world crushed that. Or tried too. It told me I didn't deserve to think or feel this way. That I was wrong. That I was a reject. That I was far from the star. That I was a background character. That I would never make the cut. On rough days, I believed it. That's what this world can do to you sometimes. I'm a tough kid now. But I had to be. Or else I would have been broken long ago. The final straw was when I was 14. A girl I was speaking to for months. Nonstop. I fell in love with her but didn't have the self love or experience to tell her so. So I became her best friend. The most important person in her life. And I fooled myself into thinking that made us destined to be together. That I didn't need to work at this point. It was in the bag. It would just happen. That's the first instance I learned nobody gives a s@#t about what you've earned and what you deserve. Especially when it comes to romance and love. Especially at this age and this stage. If so we'd be getting married at a much younger age and staying married and making it work so much better. We don't know what a good thing is until it's gone. She ended up finding a bf. I got emotional and left her life for a bit. Never did got my chance to tell her how I felt then. She knew of course. But how much different would things have been for us if I told her. What I do know is that I got pissed off. I'm not an angry person. Or at least I don't think I am. But I was mad. At myself and at the world. I screamed that I only wanted that one thing. That one girl. I put in the work. I gave her my all. And that's when the chip manifested. It was inside of a while and then it took that to break it. It was after that, I saw a wrestler, who was also pissed off and bitter, who also had a chip on his shoulder, yell and scream to everyone angrily that he deserved more and that he deserved so because he was the best in the world. And then he proved it. In his hometown and in the biggest match up of his life. It was a night that changed wrestling. That resonated with me. That whole summer did. I thought to myself if I become the best in the world there's no way I can't be happy. There's no way I can't achieve the things I want. That's when I told myself I wanted to be the best wrestler on the planet. At 14 years old. My chip had manifested and taken on a life of its own. It became me. I always wanted to be a wrestler but I was afraid to say it (the world can be cruel) but now I would accept it and scream it to the world. So they could know from day one, I was always this way. This chip made certain things difficult at first. Any time obstacles were put in my way it would piss me off. Anytime girls or friends second guessed me and my worth I would become angry and bitter about it. I became more reserved on how I let people in. Relationships were hard. Because on one hand if a girl gave me everything I would get bored and seek something else. I would crave girls who made things difficult. A hurdle to climb. That girl had an awesome ex? Screw him I'm gonna be wayyyyyy better, watch this backflip. I scared off my fair share of girls that way. Relationships would become less about us and more about me and my insecurities/chip. Because that's where most chips come from. Your biggest insecurities and you working against them vehemently. . . . . There's a girl. She's rather wonderful I think. I was friends with her for years. And we naturally got close and we turned into more. It's a dope story. Need to tell it sometime. And she needed me. And she asked a lot of me. And I easily jumped through hoops and hurdles that was her insecurities and spiraling depression. And I didn't do it to prove anything for the first time ever. I did it for her. And I did it with a smile. Then we broke up. But she still needed me or wanted me I suppose. And at this point I was in love with her. But yet again. I didn't tell her or show her just how in love I was. I'm hard on myself. So maybe that's my way of being hard on myself. By telling myself I could have done more to preserve/save it. And when a new person entered the picture it destroyed my world. My chip became angry and bitter. After years of just being a steady motivator and a helpful inspiration of what I could be, now it told me to show her and prove to her that I'm 5 times the man he is. To prove I will be her biggest regret and this will be her biggest mistake. I guess that's what love and heartbreak does amirght? I cared less about if she deserved me or not. And cared more about having her. Proving myself to her. I stopped biting my nails (my most troublesome vice and one of many years, a decade even perhaps). I vowed to get her back when the time is right. And now I'm left wondering. Do I still want her. Or do I have something to prove to her. To prove to the world? To prove to myself. That I can get the girl. That's awful. At least I think it is. And if I come back for her I want it to be entirely because I want to be with her. Because entirely I wish to spend the rest of my life with her. Not because I'm pissed at her low-key and need to make sure she knows who the best guy is. It's my chip. And that chip will get me to great Heights in school and in wrestling and in life I believe. Most people my age aren't on my level. Emotionally, intellectually, and just work ethic and mindset wise. I always took pride in that. But I've lost my way a bit. She brought out my best at times. But now also my worst. I used to believe in tongue-in-cheek and now with her I just spout and spout. And that gets us nowhere. She's still with him. And that'll haunt me. She'll haunt me. But the way I see it. Is it'll motivate me to get better. And when I get better I'll be better off. Maybe she'll see where I go. Maybe her dad will see me on TV and tell her "you should have stayed with that kid. I see him on this and there's something special about him. There always was." that'd make me smile. And hopefully she agrees with him. For now I'm blocked. For now her bf is gonna convince her I'm what's holding her back from the infinite happiness that is dating him. That I'm the problem. Maybe he's right. Maybe the entire world is right about me. I'm not as good as I think I am. But fuck it. I won't give him or anyone. The satisfaction of that. I'll be 6 FT under before I admit that. Maybe me and her aren't destined to be. But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. It just makes the chip on my shoulder bigger. And I'm done letting it control me. I control it. And I'm gonna use it. To get to where I need to be. And where I need to go. And if where I go crosses with her. Maybe then it is meant to be. And if it's not. It wouldn't be my fault. Because I have a chip on my shoulder. Which means I try until I can't try anymore. And then I still try. And that's what makes me special. My chip on my shoulder. And the smile I have with that chip, as I get to work. I got my smile. Now... ... It's time to get to work. 😊💚