#its adam browns fault too but he did such a good job that i forgive him

[pilkypills]

Dont get me wrong Fili and Kili’s deaths hit hard but peter jackson owes me money for making me get so very attached to Ori knowing what will eventually happen to him

[waypathfinder]

Crimson Lane - Chapter 20 - Twilight

Beta’d by @kathknight and @ashtyntaytertot

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Chapter Text 

And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes in a hundred worlds in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you  

—Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars  

The grand old place had fallen into disrepair. Lawns infested with weeds, the pond had flooded and at least a dozen shutters had half-fallen off their hinges. Ben wiped his boots on the steps, trying to kick away a layer of mud. There used to be a welcome mat here, he knew this as it was his job to beat the dust and dirt from it every week, but now there was nothing but scuffed concrete, cracked with weeds, covered in muddy footprints.

He was responsible for it all, another failure, like notches on a belt, they wrapped around him, squeezing the air from his lungs some days, other times it held him together, an identity that gave him certainty.

Much had changed here, but the spirit of the place remained; elegant but austere in this place of nature with its white-washed walls, keeping watch over the cliffs that overlooking a wild sea.

A growl of thunder rolled from the horizon. Ben pulled his coat across his chest as a fresh slap of wind billowed his hair and slammed the shutters against the windows.

He hadn't knocked yet. He'd travelled over a hundred kilometres to get here but the space between himself and the door was like a step between worlds.

Leia's voice came from inside and he froze, the sound of it hit him in the heart. She could be gentle, away from the public spotlight, forgiving to a fault, unyielding in her opinion, ferocious in her defence.

And God, he had missed her.

Ben reached his hand towards the door, ready to knock, while his other hand buried deep in his pocket. The door opened.

A gust of wind rallied the trees behind him, and Ben's Adam's apple bobbed up and down as he struggled to find something to say.

For a woman who was grander than life, Leia's stature had always betrayed her. She'd answered the door in her nightgown, a long white robe that reminded him of childhood days, her grey hair, rarely loose, tossed behind her shoulders.

She gasped, hand clasped over her mouth in shock.

Twelve years old again, shame coloured his face and he averted his gaze, slipping his free hand back into his pocket.

Why did she have to look at him like that? Brown eyes shining with tears, pale lips cracked with aged lines and parted in shock.

He shot a fleeting glance back at her, pulling his hands out of his pockets and balling them into fists, swallowing an overwhelming urge to vomit over her petunias.

She had changed too much, grown older. And, even more unnerving was the fact she was speechless.

He opened his mouth … hi, I've missed you, I'm sorry …

But instead.

"Senator Organa-Solo lost for words? That's a first."

Shit.

It was a jerk thing to say, but she was making him nervous.

"Ben," she whispered in awe and from the corner of his eye he saw her hand lift, as if she would caress his cheek.

"Yeah, well, I've —" He scrunched his face. He shouldn't have come back. He went to turn away but this time she stopped him, pressing her warm hand against his cheek and forcing him to face her.

One touch was all it took. He broke like a piece of clay crumbling in the hands of his maker.

"I messed up, mum." They were barely words, rather jumbled gasping breaths.

"Oh, my boy—" She pulled his head to her shoulder, wrapping her arms around him. "You came home."

Rey leant her forehead against the car window. The glass was bitingly cold and vibrated against her forehead. Finn had warned her the drive would be long, just over an hour, to a place she'd only ever known by name for its massive estates and ocean cliffs, Chandrila.

The world shifted, from grey hues of the city to clean-cut lines of suburbia, and onto large homes on acreages sitting atop velvet green hills.

Her eyes lazily opened and closed, giving in to the overwhelming fatigue. On the horizon, curtains of grey mist reached down to the ocean, blurring the line between sea and sky. Clouds and sunlight painting it from turquoise blue to navy grey.

She wound the window down and the icy wind whipped against her face.

Lost in a sensory shower of sea salt and ozone, her mind wandered. What had happened to Ben after she left?

She would have called him right after her talk with Maz, but if that number belonged to the First Order, or worse, Snoke, she wouldn't risk it.

What would she have said to him, anyway? He'd tried to explain the truth to her and now it was with some shame that she acknowledged a part of her would never have accepted what he had to say this morning. Not then. Not from him. The reality of knowing what really happened that night had broken her. It was like every bad thing in her life had led to that point, the memory that had fired and moulded her into who she was and what she believed.

He'd broken her apart and now her soul rebuilding itself on new foundations, her understanding of the world, skewed in a new light.

"Are you alright, peanut?"

"Yeah." She put the window up and hugged her arms with a gentle smile. "I'm good."

"I hope you don't mind being dragged out to this interview?"

"Are you kidding? I love seeing you in action."

A smile crept onto Finn's lips and he straightened in his seat. It was so easy to shift gears with Finn; for a moment in time, she could find the part of herself that was always happy, no matter what life threw at her.

It wasn't true. But everybody wore a mask, not just monsters.

"So… What's your status now anyway—you got a girlfriend?" She flashed a mischievous smile in his direction. "Boyfriend?"

"Oh my God. That was once!"

"I know."

"In college."

"I remember," she giggled.

"I was very drunk."

"You told me."

"And curious..."

"You don't need to defend yourself to me," she said, trying to placate him now he'd given her the rise she knew that was coming. "There's nothing wrong with being curious."

"Geez, Rey, I told you that in confidence."

"And I've never told a soul."

"I like girls," he said. "Like, a lot."

"Okay, okay," she laughed. "I just thought, you know, Poe's a handsome guy and you work pretty closely together."

"Poe's married with kids, and his wife is a researcher at the paper!"

Rey nodded, pressing her lips together. The noise of the car dulled into a quiet roar as they came onto the smooth road leading to Chandrila.

Finn exhaled, as though he'd been holding his breath.

"Look, I know in the past I might have swung both ways…" He glared at Rey, daring her to say something, but she kept her mouth shut. "But I haven't met that someone yet. I thought I had but life just pans out differently than we think it will sometimes… "

He gave her a pointed look and returned to concentrating on the road ahead, leaving those unsaid words to fall into oblivion.

Rey stared at her hands. At some point, she had started wringing them together. There was nothing to say, they'd been here before and he knew, as well as she did, that sometimes you can love someone but still only ever see them as a friend.

And now, she'd felt what the other end of that spectrum was like, when you loved someone so much that the boundaries between the two of you blurred. Rapture, belonging … coming home after never having one…

"How about you?" Finn asked, back to his happy self again. "Got a boyfriend, a cute boyfriend?"

Rey's stomach dropped, and she stared straight ahead.

"Well?"

Cute boyfriend? No, Ben was hardly what she would call a cute boyfriend.

"It's complicated," she deadpanned.

"Isn't it always? What's he like?"

What was Ben like? He was darkness, and light, and shadow all mixed together. Intense and achingly expressive. Strong and vulnerable. Beautiful and terrifying. He wasn't any one thing, he was everything. How could she come close to describing such a man?

Rey cleared her throat. "Tall."

"He's tall?"

"Yep." She nodded, gluing her eyes on the dashboard.

"And … that's it?"

"Yep." Couldn't she just hide in a hole now? Anything was better than answering these questions.

"Wow," Finn said, nodding. "Wow." He turned to her, those wide friendly lips bubbling in a smile. "He sounds amazing, Rey."

She cracked, laughter breaking the tension. They only stopped when there was a loud bang beneath them and the car began to tilt with a recurring thump.

"Ah, crap!" Finn stuck his head out the window, trying to see the damage.

"What was that?"

"I dunno. But it's blown the tyre." He looked back again. "I don't have time for this."

"It's okay. I can change it for you. You got a spare?"

Finn sunk into the driver's seat, avoiding her gaze. "That was the spare."

"Oh."

The thumping sound slowed as the car pulled over to the side, crawling along the shoulder in the shadow of wind-tossed maple trees that let through tiny pinpricks of rain every time a gale blew.

"Tell me again, what did they teach in that military academy you went to?"

"How to kick butt, that's what! Care for me to show you?"

"Bring it on, soldier. I'll take you!" Rey laughed, giving him a playful punch on the shoulder.

They got out of the car, jostling and laughing until they were holding their sides and out of breath.

Meanwhile, the ash-coloured rain clouds had swarmed overhead, covering them with light rain and mist.

Rey wiped the light droplets from her forehead. "Seriously though, what are we going to do? You can't miss your interview."

Finn stared at the car, his brow furrowed in concentration. "Not much we can do. I'll call Poe and let him know what's happened. But first, I need to pee."

He wandered away from the road and into the bush.

Rey shivered, listening to the melodious rumble of thunder rolling overhead like a giant stone. The wind picked up, blowing a sleeting rush of rain across her cheeks. In the distance, she could hear another vehicle and when she looked up a pair of lights were coming at them from the end of the road.

She looked back at Finn. He hadn't even noticed the car. It was travelling far faster than the speed limit and as it approached, the warm yellow lights bounced off the slick grey road creating a line of light before it.

Rey bit her lip, calculating a risk. In a flash, she'd shoved her thumb in the air, walking backwards along the side of the road, eyes fixed on the oncoming car.

Tyres screeched on wet bitumen and she held her breath as the eighties-style silver car with butterfly doors came to a sharp stop beside her.

A Millennium Falcon. She beamed at it, as Finn ran up to meet her.

"Are you mad?" he hissed. "He could be a psycho, a murderer, a…"

Finn closed his mouth as the driver's side window came down with a whir.

Rey strolled up to it, ignoring the way Finn pawed at her hand to come back. "Thanks for stopping."

"You could have given me more warning," a male voice grated out the window.

"I wasn't sure you would have stopped," she said, catching sight of an overactive Newfoundland dog dashing around the back seat in a blur of hazelnut-coloured fur. "Aren't you a beautiful guy!"

The dog barked at her excitedly, trying to nuzzle past the front seat to lick her.

The driver got out, walking over to her with a slight bend in his back, straightening with each step.

"His name's Chewie, and don't be fooled, he'll rip your arms out of its sockets if you cross him."

"I wouldn't believe that for a minute."

Finn came up to meet them, wiping his hands on his pants.

"We blew a tyre back there," Rey said. "Can you help us out?"

"I don't think—" Finn began but even as he spoke the man flipped the front seat forward indicating for him to get in.

"I'll take you as far as the next petrol station. Where are you headed?"

"You probably won't even know it," Finn rushed. Rey noted the way he'd brushed his eyes over the car, lingering on the ripped leather seats and rubbish scattered on the floor. "It's just one of the houses around here…"

"Try me." Han was gruff and Rey suspected he'd also noticed the way Finn had looked at the car like she was a pile of junk. If only he knew. A Millennium Falcon was far more than outward appearances. It was the way she moved, the speed, the old-world devil-may-care character ���

"Senator Organa-Solo. I've got an appointment with her."

Rey's mouth hung in shock. "You do?"

Finn nodded, buoyed by her reaction.

"Yeah. It's a pretty big deal."

"Well, big deal, jump on in. I'm on my way home, anyway."

Home?

Rey stared at the man, noticing the familiar long nose and narrow face. Time had worn away some of his good looks, but it didn't take much imagination to see the man that he once was. Han Solo, four-time winner of the Kessel Run, a notorious scoundrel—

Ben's dad.

"You're lucky I found you, the Senator doesn't like to be kept waiting. Get in back. We're not more than five minutes away."

Han stepped back, holding the door open for Rey as she scrambled in the front seat, no longer able to meet his eye.

Her hands shook as she secured the belt, heat rising in her cheeks.

"So, what's your story?"

"Mine?" she stammered. "I don't have a story."

"Right. What's your name then, kid?"

"Rey." She flicked her eyes up at him before pulling the door closed and trying not to gauge his reaction. "You know, with an 'e'."

He held his chin, nodding, and for a fleeting moment, Rey had the startling realisation that he'd seemed to recognise her name. But when Han got in the driver's chair, he just he revved the engine and said: "Rey? What kind of name is that?"

Rey had never seen such richness in her life. The estate and its grounds were breathtaking, even under the grey hue of the passing rain clouds. All around them, long verdant grass stretched out before them. Before the mansion was a pond, flooded from earlier downpours; even now raindrops tickled the surface of the water in tiny radiating waves. A worn fountain lay at its centre, dripping a steady stream of water like a leaking tap. They stood before the oak doors as Han wiped his muddy boots on the cement and ushered them inside.

The sound of Rey's heart competed with the roar of thunder as she stepped over the threshold into what must have been Ben's childhood home. Han showed them through a long narrow corridor lined with photo frames, while Chewie nuzzled into the back of her hand.

She felt a stab of pain as she spotted the familiar flop of black hair in the photos, each one of them sending an electric charge to her heart. With every step, she passed a story of Ben's life, as he transformed from a stocky, doe-eyed toddler with grazed knees to an awkward teenager who hadn't grown into his long arms and legs. The last photo was of Ben in his karate uniform, smiling proudly, his parents on either side of him sharing his enthusiasm.

That was the last photo they had of him. The rest of the hallway was empty, hospital-white in contrast, like life had stopped from that point.

By the time they reached the end of the hall, Rey noticed the older woman with salt-and-pepper hair and a regal expression standing in the lounge room. Rey's breath caught at the sight of her. Ben's mother. Yes, she could see the resemblance in her dark, intelligent eyes and the proud way she held herself. This was a woman who would never bow before anyone. She was magnificent. There was no other word that came to mind.

"You must be Finn. I'm so happy you got here safely. Poe called me about your car troubles." She turned to him. "It was lucky Han found you on his way back from town."

"Senator Organa-Solo, it's an honour."

"Call me Leia, please." She turned to Rey then, regarding her with an odd expression. "And you are...?"

"Rey." The word was blurted out, and she pushed her hand towards the Senator a little overzealously. Finn raised an eyebrow at her, but she dared not look at him. She already knew she was being awkward. "I'm here as a friend to Finn."

Leia reached her hand, wrapping it in her own, a smile spreading across lips and sparkling in her eyes. "Rey," she repeated. "I'm very happy to meet you."

The tight press of Leia's hands filled Rey with warmth and time slowed to a crawl. How lucky Ben was to have a mother. Did he even know what a blessing that was?

Rey blinked, pushing the thought of him away.

"Rey's helping me on the Snoke story, too."

"I see," Leia nodded. A small line spread across her brow as she indicated for them to sit.

Finn pulled out his notepad and phone, and the sky burst with loud clamouring rain, pelting against the glass.

For a moment, Leia's guarded expression faltered as she looked to Han, who was already staring out into the grounds, pacing like the scurrying raindrops making lines down the windows. He turned back to Leia, shaking his head, and she sat back in her chair, mask back on.

"So, Senator Organa-Solo—Leia, I wanted to ask you about your decision to return to politics after all these years?"

Leia cleared her throat, her voice was low and rusty, like she had spent a lifetime delivering speeches. "I hadn't planned on returning, but when I see our political system being flaunted and abused by the current government with their hands chained to the pockets of larger corporations, I couldn't stand by any longer. It has gone on long enough."

Leia looked up at Han, but he was not listening. Instead, he still paced by the window, growing more and more restless.

"It has been … difficult on my family," she said haltingly. "But they stand by my decision to run again…"

"Your family is happy with your decision?" Rey could have slapped a hand over her mouth, but it was too late. Finn peered at her with an expression as if to say what the hell?

"Yes, I believe so," Leia answered stiffly.

"All of them?" She couldn't stop herself, her words were like knee-jerk reactions.

Leia's face twitched. "My husband has always supported my political career."

"And your son?"

What the hell was possessing her to keep going?

"My son?"

Rey sighed. She'd dug this hole, she may as well keep going. "Doesn't taking up the helm of the Resistance put him in a position to be under more scrutiny, or worse, blackmailed?" She stumbled at her words. "'Them', I mean to say. Not 'him'."

Finn choked, poking her in the side with a sharp but subtle elbow jab.

"Excuse me?" Leia seemed incredulous at the line of questioning, her gaze searching for Han even more so, almost demanding him to look at her. But he wasn't there anymore and through the heavy lines of rain, Rey could make out his form heading out into the grounds.

Leia composed herself, not missing a beat. "I've always kept my son out of the media spotlight."

"But that hasn't stopped him from being a target though." The words rushed out of her again.

Rey's flushed with colour, astounded at how defensive she had gotten.

There was a beat and Leia stood then, smiling at them both. "Give me a minute, please."

She left the room, opening the French glass door panels and standing under a small alcove. Leia's outline glowed beneath a dull outside light, lines of rain provided a backdrop to her stoic figure, drowning out every other sound.

Eventually, Han emerged, running slightly, out of breath. He leant in close to her ear; they could have been shouting for all Rey could hear amidst the constant clamour of the rainstorm. Leia raised her chin, brows furrowed as she spoke to Han, and biting her lip when she listened. Rey leant forward, trying to imagine she could lip-read, and that's when Leia looked straight at her.

Rey turned away in a flash, only to be faced with a very angry-looking Finn.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Huh?" she asked, refusing to meet his eye.

"Why are you asking her about her son? Everyone knows she doesn't like to talk about him."

Rey shook her head, overcome with shame. The last thing she wanted was to mess this up for Finn … but, being here, before his parents, knowing what challenges Ben was facing alone right now. How could she not fight for him if no one else would?

"I'm sorry," she whispered back. "But don't you think it's worth asking?"

"No," Finn said through gritted teeth. "Not if it will cost us the whole interview. The only reason Leia agreed to do this was as a special favour to Poe."

Leia returned from outside. As she did a fresh zephyr of wind swept in through the sitting room. The cloud burst had passed now, leaving only a small drizzle of mist-like rain floating in the outside air once more.

Her mask was unreadable. She was seasoned at concealing her expressions, something her son had never learnt.

Nor Rey, obviously.

She attempted to apologise when Leia spoke up, interrupting them.

"Do you know my son?" she asked, the question to both of them, but Leia clearly directed the words at Rey.

"We met in town the other day," Finn replied.

"And you?" Rey's cheeks glowed at the way Leia stared her down, almost like she knew what they had done together in the privacy of her apartment.

"As Finn said," she mumbled. "Poe introduced us."

"He must have made quite an impression on you then."

Rey gaped, speechless for the first time.

"I—"

Fuck. She scrambled for words and every one of them failed her.

"I appreciate your concern with my family," Leia said. "But you won't find what you're looking for here."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ..."

Oh, God. She had messed this up so much.

"Perhaps, you could take a walk about the grounds while Finn and I finish this. The rain has stopped now. Who knows, it might give you the answers you're looking for."

Was she really being kicked out? Rey's face felt hot with humiliation and guilt. Without saying another word, she got up and walked over to the double bay doors where Han waited, smiling.

"Don't be offended, she gets very defensive about Ben," he said, and then raising his voice again. "And she likes to order people about. It gives her something to do."

"I'll give you something to do, you scoundrel" Leia snapped at Han, but her expression was fresh, all mischievous joy. "Where should Rey go?"

Han and Leia's exchanged a look, and Rey could have sworn there was some kind of conspiracy brewing between them. Han opened the door, handing her a large golf umbrella.

"There's a small pond by the cliff face. It looks out over the ocean. You'll find it if you head north through the rose garden and cross the bridge over the brook," he said, adding, "You'll know it when you see it."

Rey nodded, glancing back at Finn one last time. He was now deep in conversation with Leia, scribbling notes on his pad without even noticing she was leaving.

She sighed, pushing open the umbrella and with a fleeting smile at Han, embraced her banishment.

Rey slipped off a pair of shoes and stepped out onto the wet grass. It was freeing to be outside, no longer in danger of saying or doing the wrong thing. Overhead, a breathy roar of wind thrashed through the canopies of silver eucalyptus trees. The daylight was fading into twilight, with the sun trapped between grey storm clouds and a grey sea.

She began walking, enjoying the way her toes sunk into the overgrown grass. The air was crisper and brighter now that the rain had passed. She stepped over a small bridge that passed an overflowing brook, and she cleaned her feet in the water, listening to the sounds of nature coming back to life after the downpour.

Seagulls called from the cliff face, frogs croaked by the pond and the wind continued to roar like distant rivers, the quiet backdrop to it all.

Rey let the sounds fill her senses, and it didn't take long until her thoughts turned inward, thinking back to the morning when she and Ben had made love. For one moment, she had been so blissfully, divinely happy.

Perhaps they could have that again.

Even after … everything.

She felt close to him here, walking through the grounds of his childhood. Longing for him to be here, telling her where he used to play as a boy, the secret hideaways and mystical forests that made up imaginings of youth.

In the dim light ahead there was a large pond that stretched out to the edge of the cliff, dotted with fading solar lights and white lilies. The young trees around the edge cast long slim shadows on the ground, shivering and swaying dark shapes upon the ground.

But one of those shadows moved against the others.

Rey squinted, trying to make it out … large, hands in pockets, hair wet and stuck to his long thoughtful face, his gaze fixed to the ground.

Rey pressed a hand over her heart. How long had he been out here in the rain? Did he even know she was here?

"Ben!" she cried out.

He froze, slowly turning to see her. His face was pale and shiny with rain. Even in the darkness, she could see how he shivered.

Ben hadn't moved, and nor had she. Then she felt a wave of tenderness wash over her and the stillness shattered. She ran, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him everywhere she could reach.

Chilled hands pressed into the small of her back, tucking her into his body.

"What are you doing here?" his voice croaked, barely audible. "I thought—"

"You saved me!" She pressed her cheek to his chest, holding him close as her breath came in halted sobs. "Thank you."