#its a long way away (7 hours by coach) but absolutely worth it

[wings-of-angels]

WOOOOOOOOO JUST CAME BACK FROM A UNI OPEN DAY

[wasalwaysagreatpickle]

Friday 21 May 1830

5 1/2

11 20/..

Fahrenheit 62˚ at 5 3/4 a.m. – fine morning – streets dry after all the rain last night – off at 6 35/.. – (without breakfast) took fiacre on the boulevard to my apartment rue Saint Victor – Monsieur de Mèrbel’s 2nd lecture from 7 33/.. to 8 1/2 – took a little ink stand this morning (1st time and found I could very comfortably take my notes in ink – much better than pencil – lecture on the internal structure of plants as seen with the naked eye and with a loupe – breakfasted very comfortably on my brown bread and 4 sols worth of good milk at the laiterie in about 10 minutes, and home at 8 3/4 – 

At my desk at 9 – I find this French ink so bad I really must write to Miss Maclean to bring me a bottle in addition to the 2 bottles sent by Sowerby with the books – read over what I wrote yesterday to Mariana mention the talk between Lady Stuart de Rothesay and me about going to the Pyrenees in July, and had very kind letter from Lady Gordon last week, and if I go from home at all this summer and not with the Stuart de Rothesays shall probably go with her – ‘she asks if I will go to Spain next – what I shall do, of course, I cannot tell so long beforehand – But all this is quite between ourselves – I never name any of my maybes to anybody but you – I shall, I hope, see you again one of these days; and you may be quite at ease, whatever I determine on’ –

Wish her not to forget, when she has time to remember, French and the use of her pencil – mention Amici’s camera lucida – and Miss Maclean’s intention of being off from London on the 27th – then wrote a little more mention my good breakfast for 7 sols – (milk 4 sols – bread suppose 3 sols) – ‘the luxury of life is independence with a competence – I often enjoy leaving at home carriage and servants, and stealing in among the petit monde, and seeing how it is, that some can live where others would starve – In fact the carriage is at the coach makers again, for the present – Do for pity’s sake believe, that a certain portion of the ‘mammon of unrighteousness’ is absolutely necessary; and let us all do the best we can for living not starving – Let us have the option of having carriages and horses, and all that the world deems comme il faut – we can leave them at home as often as we like – I should be thankful to get you into this way of thinking – If Charles thought as I do, I should not trouble myself about your opinions; for he would take care to provide for you to the utmost of his ability – he would move heaven and earth, and leave brick and mortar forever as they are at Lawton, to leave you not induced to less than five hundreds a year after having shared with him more than as many thousands – How times are changed! I, who never cared for money till you taught me, am now to teach my teacher! well! do what you think best, - but remember that living where others would starve might be even to you less easy, and less comfortable than you may have sometimes imagined, were you obliged to try it – Do not, I beseech you, mistake me – I mean nothing which ought to annoy or disquiet you for a moment – all I ever ask myself is this – How is that she who, in early days when life, and hope, and friendship, all were young, could do so much – how is it that she should seem so careless now? Charles pays all now; and you are rich – Have you misunderstood me? tell me honestly – if you have, I never dare let another word upon the subject escape me in joke or earnest’ – 

Had written the last 1/2 page 3 and 1 1/2 end of my letter to Mariana very small and close, and so far of today at 10 3/4 – at which hour and before this Fahrenheit 70˚ - then wrote a full 1/2 sheet and 2 1/2 pp. of another 1/2 sheet to Miss Maclean exceedingly kind letter – long to see her but not impatient – beg her do what she is persuaded is best, and take her own time, and rest a day or 2 at Boulogne set her at ease about having so long prevented my asking anybody – ‘making always such exceptions, including yourself, as you perfectly well understand, I care less and less about having anybody with me – I am never at home till evening, and then my aunt, and dinner, and going to bed, are quite enough – It was from last August to October that so unsettled me – you were my physician and balm of gilead, in that case – I am well enough now, and could go on long enough in this way, if nothing occurred to rouse my memory from her slumbers – you do me the greatest kindness to come – the next greatest to leave me the power of saying I can ask no one so long as I am expecting Miss Maclean you always miscalculate your usefulness – Do set your mind at ease on this point – were it not for you, I might feel some obligation to do one or two things I escape now – Besides, if I take it into my head to wish to go from home while you are with us, I shall make no scruple…….It will amuse you to find how I consume my time, and how immeasurably little I trouble myself about anyone for whom I do not feel some interest at heart’ –

Then read over what I wrote yesterday to Miss Hobart dated Friday (today) but mentioning its being a fête day, just wrote over the sentence’ ascension day Thursday not Friday’ – ‘Have you got any more stories lately? the cuisinère of an English family that was here in the winter went the other day to Madame Galvani, to entreat her to try and get her a place – ‘Oh! mon dieu! Madame! Madame sait bien que quant ou sort d’une maison anglaise, ou a bien de la peine à en trouver – personne ne vous vent, parci qu ou a tout de suite la main rouiellée Madame Galvani Et pourquoi ça dout? mais madame [suit] bien que ces anglais ça ne fait pas comme tout le monde – ça mange des radis et du beurre aprés l’entremet!’ I hope that inimitable ça ne fait pas – ça mange – is not lost upon you – Ever affectionately yours AL’ – 

Had just done all and written so far of today at 1 1/4 – at 1 1/2 letter from Mariana (Lawton) 3pp. ends and under the seal – she and Mr Charles Lawton had a most providential escape from a thunder storm – the horses took fright and ran away – luckily ran into a hedge – narrowly missed throwing them into a horse-pond where Mariana would have been undermost, and where, if not water enough to drown them, they would have been very seriously inconvenienced – she glad I have not ordered the gowns – my explanation of the modes so clear, Watson can do all that is required –

Explains about money matters if I had only myself in view I do not hesitate to say I should think very little of the subject with regard to you I know your habits are yearly becoming more expensive therefore I should be glad to feel that I was likely to bring more to the exchequer than was sufficient to cover my own expenses of dress and maintenance and those who have hitherto benefited by any over plus in my income must of course be minus any future advantage now bearing in mind that these were the thoughts that dictated the sentence in my last which you have transcribed I am quite at a loss to guess what idea presented itself to you when you wrote immediately after it –

‘I shall not comment much upon this paragraph – it must surely be unnecessary; for you yourself on reading it over, cannot fail to be struck with much that cannot fail to have occurred to me’ – now, my darling if you wish me to know what did occur to you, you must explain, for in truth I cannot guess for in my conscience nothing ought to have occurred but a very satisfied feeling that at least I was not mercenary, and should not cost more than my own means would provide. In as much as I cannot bring myself to say more than I have already done on money matters you may perhaps think I am still unconcerned but I do not mean to say, that I would throw away any just or fair way of improving my pecuniary advantages’ – August cottage given up – Charles could not get the money without a mortgage, and would not (could not)’ give that – filled the other end of my letter in answer to Mariana saying I was satisfied – had I had her letter the 1st thing this morning, should not have written what I did some hours ago – all I meant was one could not prudentially be indifferent on the subject of money matters – 

Mariana’s argumentation not very logically deducible from the paragraph in question she writes heavily and formally and I like not her style she may well talk nowadays of not being mercenary when she will have her jointure and my fortune to come to she could be mercenary for herself when she married Charles but she cannot now be mercenary for me? the fact is I had better see her again and see how she pleases me nowadays I have my doubts [I] not she is changed? 

Sealed up the envelope containing my letter in envelope to ‘Miss Maclean 1 half sheet full and 2 1/2pp. of another 1/2 sheet unluckily not sealed, and this and 1/4 sheet letter full to Miss Hobart in envelope to ‘Miss Hobart Honourable Lady Stuart’s Whitehall’, and at 2 5/.. gave this to George for the Embassy, and gave him for the great post my letter (3pp. and long ends small and close) to ‘Mrs Lawton, Lawton Hall, Lawton, Cheshire, Angleterre’ – 

Somehow I knew of leaving the letter to Miss Maclean unsealed but unluckily did not think of it might be disagreeable if Miss Hobart saw line seven from the bottom of page last but one – 

Had just written so far of today at 2 55/.. – then till 4 3/4 reading over Mariana’s letter, and writing her 1 page and 4 lines very small and close – 

In answer to the crypt on the other side – 

A useless day this for science – I will take care to have less to explain with Mariana in future – 

Lovely day – I read last night while undressing and this morning in the fiacre [Δcɑλojos] à, my school edition nonnulli è Luciani Dialogis (London 1726), and brought the book and my Greek grammar here with me this morning – off at 5 1/4 – sauntered along the quais – home at 6 25/.. – dressed – dinner at 6 3/4 – came to my room at 8 1/2 – settled with George – said I was much annoyed at the answer he gave me yesterday – he said he was very low – very well, said I, you have been in the family almost 10 years you ought to have known me better but the next time it occurs I shall take it as a warning – now take notice if I say I will do a thing no entreaty can prevail – 

On coming home this afternoon found on my desk long rigmarole note from Monsieur Saint Romain explaining who he is, fancying from my asking on Wednesday at Daly C’s why he adopted the name of Saint Romain that he ought to give me a long explanation for fear I should think him wishing to make himself greater than he really is – nonsense – sat musing – violent thunder storm between 7 and 8 – very heavy rain and loud thunder and lightning even till now after 9 – coffee at 9 5/.. – came to my room at 10 25/.. at which hour Fahrenheit 65 1/2 – fair, but raining heavily till about 10.

[shutupandshipit]

Magic in the Blood - Ch.7

Summary: “You used magic on me,” Neil said, mildly accusing. He opened his eyes, staring into the glowing honey gold of Andrew’s eyes.

“Don’t I always?”

Instead of answering, Neil asked, “Yes or no?” because his hands were aching to run along Andrew’s skin, up his toned thighs, to tug him down over him. …..

Or where everything is the same, but magic exists. The school year is over, there’s no more practices until mid-summer and for the first time, Neil can spend his time the way he wants. Without suppressants muddling his system and Andrew sober, they’ve got magical and logistical issues to work through.

And then there’s the new Foxes when they show which is a whole other magical nightmare of itself.

Pairing: Andreil

Rating: T

Previous <- Chapter 6

Chapter 8 -> Next(post to come soon)

Chapter 7: Lavender Pills

Neil:

As soon as Neil stepped off the plane and found his way to a bathroom, he frantically rummaged through his bag. He could hear the bottle of suppressants rattling incessantly, calling to him with the bliss of repression. His magic had begun to crawl to the surface halfway through the flight, but he'd taken a suppressant before boarding and assumed that would be enough. Only, he hadn't anticipated the anxious magic pouring from the other passengers, filling the cabin until he was suffocating. He shouldn't have been able to feel them with such a recent dose, but something about the altitude or proximity or his own anxiety had somehow diminished the affects of the suppressants.

There was the possibility that the suppressants were just loosing their potency as Neil's body grew more accustomed to the dosage.

Stewart had procured them for him after California. After his mother's death. After his magic left a destructive path behind him as he it poured from him unchecked, a path that Stewart had to pay a lot of money to cover up.

With Mary's death fresh on his mind, he hadn't been able to put a cap on his own magic, and he'd burned through their collection of suppressants trying to. Stewart had pressed his suppliers for the strongest dosage they could make that wouldn't kill anyone.

When he'd first started taking them, he could only handle half a pill once a day. Even then, he'd almost had a panic attack with how quiet the world had gone. He'd wondered if that was the way normal people who couldn't sense magic felt. There had been so much more quiet in his head for his mind to circle around and around. So much more space to think about his dead mother.

He'd vomited and passed out almost immediately. When he'd woken, magic still tucked away in his chest, they'd tried to drop his dose to a quarter of a tablet.

He didn't let them.

Now though, he had to take one every couple of hours to keep his magic under wraps, and even then, it leaked out around the edges. He couldn't keep it up much longer, not without contacting his uncle, and that was something he didn't want to have to do. He had about a year's worth left, but at the rate he was going, he might have even less than that. He'd have to start rationing if that were even possible.

Popping the small lavender pull into his mouth, Neil swallowed it down dry and shoved the bottle back into his bag. He waited ten long minutes for the pill to begin taking effect before finding his way towards the exit where he found a particularly small blond man waiting for him.

Andrew:

It took Neil Josten much longer to come out of the terminal than Andrew would have expected. He would have assumed it was something innocent like using the restroom, but he'd seen the way Neil had looked at Kevin. He'd felt the magic bubbling beneath the surface of his skin, the suppressants trying to keep his magic in and failing. He wouldn't trust the man as far as he could throw him, not until he gave him a reason to.

He doubted the man was smart enough for that, especially if he was stupid enough to sign with the Foxes.

Leaning against the wall, he stared up towards the ceiling and let his magic stretch its limbs for the first time in awhile. He's skipped his wake-up dose to meet with Neil, and without the constraints of his medication, there was no reason his magic needed to stay on a leash. Relief washed through his body while his magic pushed out and out and out, soothing the fever of a screeching child, easing a woman's migraine, calming a flight attendant's throbbing feet. He couldn't do much without physical touch or his herbs, but he still could do a little.

As the baby's screams calmed to whimpers, a blank spot entered the Arrivals area.

Neil Josten was the personification of a lack of presence, a blank spot in the middle of the crowd, a black hole without an end or beginning.

Everyone had magic whether they could use it or not. Whether it was strong or weak. Even magicless people had magic, but they were people that had such a small amount that it was unusable. It couldn't be utilized by the holder. Even then, there were people with magic that either didn't know how to use their magic. Even under suppressants, there was still the barest traces of magic on a person's skin.

All being, living and inanimate, gave off magic. Neil Josten gave off absolutely nothing as if he were already dead. Which was all the more curious as he had been actually vomiting up magic the first time.

He stared the man down as he glanced this way and that, stepping further into the crowd. It only took Neil a moment to spot him, and another to weave through the crowd to get to him. When he was close enough for Andrew to take a good look at his eyes, he found a very familiar look there.

His pupils were blown wide, and there was a dullness to them. Neil was high, and whether that was on true drugs or something else was still to be determined.

Suppressants couldn't erase someone's magical fingerprint the way whatever he was on had.

“Neil. Baggage claim,” he said simply.

Neil:

It only took a day for Neil to understand that there were almost no good times for him to take his next dose of suppressants, especially when he'd had to start taking them so frequently. By the time the first week had come to an end, he was nearly going crazy with the havoc the cousins had put his schedule through just trying to keep a lid on his magic.

He couldn't walk around with his pill bottle, so the only solution he could come up with was carrying a few around with him that he shoved deep into his pockets.

He knew he was getting sloppy by the third week, dipping out as soon as he felt his magic surfacing. When Andrew's eyes started to drift towards him more and more often. He didn't know if it was the stress the others were putting him under or the lack of sleep or whatever other reason there could be, but his doses had grown closer again.

That scared him, made him more cautious with his doses, but also stupider.

And he found everything coming to a head one afternoon after practice with the cousins.

He showered last as always, but found the locker room empty save for Andrew sitting in front of his locker after he was done. The man tossed and caught something idly, not looking at Neil when he came to a stop. “Can I get to my locker?” he asked, irritated with the afternoons events and now having to deal with the murderous midgit again.

Andrew caught the package again, and Neil finally noticed the small ziploc bag he held. A flash of lavender through plastic.

“Give that back!” Neil spat, lunging for Andrew before immediately thinking better of it.

Andrew had a knife in his hand even as Neil retreated. “I think... not.” He let the bag swing between his fingers so they could both stare at the pills hanging between them. “I've been wondering what you were on. These look professional, but still homemade.” Dull hazel eyes glanced back towards him. “You know, Coach and Abby don't allow for drugs unless they're court mandated. Kevin would burst a gasket if he knew his pet project was high on court. So, what are they?”

“Nothing!”

“Oh, they're definitely something, pushing down your magic like that. Erasing it completely.” Andrew's grin was manic. “And judging by your reaction, you seem pretty attached to them. What would happen if I just...” He trailed off, peeling open the top and holding one over his tongue.

Neil lunged forward again, catching the pill before it could hit Andrew's tongue. His side stung, shirt splayed open from Andrew's knife strike. The cut was shallow, and he held the flaps of his shirt closed, but it still hurt like a son of a bitch. “Don't,” he snarled. Blood dripped down his side, warm and slick.

The smell of blood only made him angrier.

“Oh ho,” Andrew laughed, leaning back against the lockers, “Now, what was that all about?”

Neil bit at his lip. Andrew already knew he had magic, but he didn't know what his pills were. Was it worse for him to think that he was a junkie or to know they were suppressants? Strong ones. Would he tell Kevin and Wymack if he thought he was a drug addict? Would he really be all that wrong though? Wasn't he just a different kind of addict, using the suppressants as a crutch rather than an escape? As a means to an end?

Making a decision, Neil decided to go with the truth. Or a partial truth. Partial truths were his specialty after all. “They're suppressants, but if you take a whole one, you'll go into a coma. Or vomit everywhere. Or not see your magic for a whole year.”

Andrew raised an eyebrow. “Yet you pop one every hours it seems like. So, how are you still standing? Unless you're lying.” He fished another pill from the bag, staring at it intently.

Fear slid through Neil. Not fear for Andrew, but fear of what the others would do if Andrew died from overdosing on his suppressants. What would they even do mixed with his other drugs? He was scared of what Wymack would do if he found out about them. What Kevin would do because Kevin preferred to practice with magic intact. What the cousins would do if Andrew never recovered.

“Don't,” Neil said again, trembling as he stared at the pill. He'd taken his dose over an hour before hand, and his magic slipped from his mouth in bright rainbow threads. His magic was spewing from him as if under high pressure. He was trembling with the force, nausea roiling through his body. The release had gotten worse over the couple of months since meeting Wymack, Andrew and Kevin, and he couldn't stop the storm clouds from building around him.

Andrew raised an eyebrow, watching curiously as he pressed a sparking hand to his squinting eye. “That's a lot of magic for someone who's supposed to be magicless. How are you standing if these suppressants are so strong?” he asked with more emphasis.

Neil's hand was trembling as he pressed the pilled he'd taken from Andrew into his mouth and swallowed dry. The effect to a moment, but eventually, his clouds dispersed and his magic slithered back into his body. The tremors took longer to subside, but eventually, they did. “I've built up a tolerance.”

Smiling wickedly, Andrew leaned forward with his elbows propped against his knees. “That's no good, Neil. What happens when you run our? Or miss a dose? Or can't get to them during a game? Are you going to pop off and kill everyone in sight?”

“I'd like to kill you right now.”

Andrew laughed. “Alas, that's not an option.” He slipped the pill back into the bag and pushed them int his pocket, passing the outside over his hip. “I think I'll keep a hold of these. For safe keeping. You understand. I'm sure you have more, so you won't miss these ones.” He stood, stepping as close to Neil as he could without being pressed flush against each other, the flat of his knife tapping along Neil's knuckles where they still held his shirt closed. “You're going to have to make a decision here, Neil. You can't keep popping pills all year. At the rate you're going, you're going to run out before December, and then where will you be? Find me when you want to let off a little steam. We'll have a long discussion about your role here.”

He stepped around Neil, but Neil didn't have the never to grab for the bag in his pocket.

Andrew:

It took Neil a lot longer than he'd anticipated for him to make a decision. It took Neil until Andrew rifled through his belongings and took the entire pill bottle, not that he believed that was all he had. It took for Andrew to put him through hell in Columbia. For him to hitchhike back to Palmetto. It took forever for Neil to make a fucking decision.

Andrew was so frustrated with the whole situation by the time Neil got himself knocked out in Columbia that he was ready to spill every secret he'd collected to both Wymack and Kevin. Threatening him hadn't made him spill his truths. Stealing his drugs hadn't made him spill his truths. Drugging him to high heaven against his will hadn't made him spill his truths.

Not until Wymack was standing between them, and Neil decided to speak fluent German.

He'd never been so utterly taken with someone who was suck a fucking mess.

“I'll be gone by out match against Edgar Allen,” Neil said, and Andrew had never been more sure of a lie in his life though he didn't think Neil knew that himself.

He knew that Neil believed every word he was saying. A junkie like him wouldn't be able to give up what the Foxes had already given him. In the end, Andrew simply said, “We're leaving.”

“Where are we going?” Neil asked, sweat dripping down his forehead, iridescent with his own magic.

Andrew didn't look at him as he said in English, “Back to the dorms. Your teammates have been annoying us ever since we got back, demanding we return to Columbia and scour the streets in search of you,” and then in German, “Somewhere to take care of your problem.” He turned a pointed look on the sky outside Wymack's window where storm clouds had gathered.

“My problem?” Neil asked in German, confused.

Sighing, Andrew spun around at the door to glare at him. “You're barely holding it together. Not many people can feel magic, but I'm sober way more sober than I'd like to be and I can tell that if you don't either take your drugs or release the magic you're literally going to implode.”

Neil pressed his lips into a thin line, but didn't argue. “I ran out. My suppressants are at the dorms.”

“Then release it is.”

Wymack, of course, had to open his mouth and meddle. “He can stay here if he wants. I can call Dan and let her know he's safe.”

Andrew didn't look at Wymack, but turned and opened the door. “Neil wants to come with me,” he said, and he didn't need a lie detector spell to know he was telling the truth.

When he climbed into his car, Neil was climbing into the passenger seat.

…..

“This looks like the kind of place someone comes to get murdered,” Neil commented as Andrew pulled into the campus construction area for the new dorm. The area was deserted, only the skeleton of a building and a dirt packed parking lot. Not even any workers around.

Andrew climbed out of the car, pulling one arm across his chest and then the other. He meticulously stretched while Neil simply stared, and he could nearly feel the confusion radiating off Neil in waves. “This is where I plan to dump your body when I kill you.”

Neil pulled himself out of the car, still staring around. He crossed his arms on the roof, but didn't move from the passenger side. They sky was thick with black clouds, the air muggy with a Summer thunder storm. Or maybe that was just Neil's magic. Possibly, it was just both simply feeding on each other.

Yawning, Andrew stepped away from the car. He'd parked on the edge of the lot, and strode out to the middle to turn and face Neil. Holding out his arms, he said, “Let's go.”

Neil rounded the car, confusion lighting his features. “What?”

“Take out the fucking contacts and let loose. I'm tired of seeing you drugged to the gills. I know you've wanted to take a swing at me, so take it while I'm giving you the chance,” Andrew said. Neil simply stared at him, and Andrew shrugged. “If you don't do it on your own, I'll just provoke you into it.”

Neil was silent for a long moment, just staring at him. Finally, he said, “You can't handle my magic.”

“Try me.”

Neil's magic was pouring from him, a faucet left completely open. His seams were coming loose, stitches popping all over his person. “Okay. Okay, bit... I warned you.”

When Neil finally released the choke hold he had on his magic, Andrew almost laughed with how drunk he felt. The rush was nothing like he'd ever felt. When the thunder rolled through the sky and the sky all but fell, he did laugh.

Neil's face broke with euphoria as his back bowed. “Oh, thank god,” he groaned. When he raised his eyes, despite the brown contacts, they were startlingly blue as lightning pulsed behind them. A grotesque smile pulled at his mouth. “Are you ready?”

Soaking wet, hair plastered to his scalp, Andrew mimicked his smile. “Yes.”

…..

Andrew woke with a sharp intake of breath, staring up at the ceiling of Randy Boyd's guest room. His body buzzed with the Neil's remembered magic. Just a ghostly film. He remembered how it had lit up his system like the Fourth of July.

But...

He could also actually feel Neil's magic buzzing along his skin. Restless and uncomfortable.

Scrubbing a hand over his arms, he swallowed and rolled out of bed before he padded shirtless from the bedroom.

In the living room, he found Neil with his armbands off, a jar of olive oil and herbs on the coffee table and a paint brush between his teeth. He fanned at the sigil on his wrist with distant eyes while the news played silently on the television.

Leaning against the hall wall, Andrew watched him for several deep breaths. “Where did you get the paint brush?”

Neil kept fanning, not looking around at him. “Found it in a drawer.” He glanced up to him. “Are you... better?”

Andrew didn't move. “Relatively. Why are you still awake?”

“You were dreaming too loudly, but I guess that would be loud whether you were dreaming or awake, huh?” Neil dropped his gaze, his fan pausing. “Are... are you going to leave me?”

Pushing away from the wall, Andrew stared at the side of Neil's head. “What?”

“Are you going to leave me?”

“Why would you think I'm going to leave? Because of what happened in the bathroom today?” Neil didn't say anything, and Andrew felt the sudden urge to strangle him. Instead, he leaned on the back of the couch close to Neil without touching him. “I'm not going to fucking leave, junkie. This shit is just something I've been working through for a long time with Bee. Sometimes it's worse than others. It doesn't have anything to do with you. I'm not going anywhere.”

Neil sighed, chuckling around the brush. “Okay, yeah. Matt said that was it.”

Dryly, Andrew said, “I'm glad to see mat knows me so well. Don't ever tell him.”

“Never.”

They stayed silent together, the air calm around them.

“You should go to sleep,” Andrew said.

“So should you.”

“I'm not tired.”

Neil looked up, hope in his eyes. “Sit with me then? We can watch a movie or something.”

Andrew dropped his arms. “Sure.”

[sweetener-forever]

Large Dog Seen Walking Grumpy Man in 30 Layers

Rating: T

Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Kirishima Eijirou, Sero Hanta, Ashido Mina, Kaminari Denki

Pairings: Bakugou/Kirishima

Tags: Complete fluff, there is no conflict, I have absolutely NO regrets on that, the squad hanging out and being cute, Sero has ferrets which I may or may not write another fic on why later, who knows

Summary:  It’s full moon week, so remember to take your werewolf boyfriend on long walks and to socialize him with playdates. Also known as Bakugou hates the snow, Kirishima the werewolf loves it, and the squad shows up on their own without ever actually being invited.

AO3 Link

There are three sharp yips directly to Katsuki's left from where he is laying on the couch. They are just the right amount of loud and high pitched to grate against his nerves and to rouse him from his slumber at the same time. Not enough to get him up though, not while the sun has dipped low enough in the sky it is no longer illuminating the room with light and as a consequence his eyelids.

"Go walk yourself..." He mumbles out and, predictably, gets a whine in response, to which he rolls over so his back is facing the offending noise. If he had been more awake he would have known just how much of a terrible idea that is.

The whine abruptly cuts off and leaves the room once more in blessed silence.

For about five seconds before a cold nose buries itself in the gap of skin between Katsuki's sweatpants and shirt. He immediately rolls back over and almost nails the offending snout with an explosion, but the black wolf easily dances out of the way. Its tongue lolling out of its mouth and an amused squint furrowing around its dark red eyes.

"Fuck off, Ejiiro, I'm not walking you at," Katsuki squints up at the wall clock, "7 pm." Okay, admittedly the werewolf has actually managed to wake him up at a more decent time than usual, but that doesn't mean he is going to roll over for the little shit.

He gets another sharp yip in response because, of course, the idiot can't talk in this form. Mostly on account of him not having human vocal cords, but Katsuki would rather spend three days in Deku's exclusive company than admit he misses his boyfriend's voice already.

"What the fuck do you want." He knows what Eijirou wants and the wolf knows it too as his tail wags faster and he runs a dizzying circle around the couch.

"You think you're being cute, but you just look like an idiot and it's not convincing me." Katsuki's chest absolutely does not squeeze itself into a small ball when Eijirou's ears droop and he whines loudly. He does get off the couch though with an irritated grumble to locate his jacket and coat.

Both of Eijirou's ears perk up immediately and Katsuki nearly steps on one of his paws when the wolf races around him in a quick circle before going to the door. This is something that happens at least three other times as Katsuki is dressing himself to brave the hellish 6 inches of snow that decided to fall the first morning of full moon week. It's simply karma at work for how much of a shit kid Katsuki was that he now has to walk a rambunctious werewolf in it.

Said rambunctious werewolf nearly pulls him over as he is deemed to be taking too long. He is no further deterred than he was before by an explosion and continues to pull on the bottom of Katsuki's pants.

"Knock it off! Just because you're all toasty under all that fur doesn't mean the rest of us are!" He finally snaps and bares his teeth until Eijirou is whining again and goes to hide behind the coach.

He doesn't bother to retrieve his dumbass boyfriend until he's secure in his two winter layers, boots, and a Red Riot beanie. The beanie itself is a gross bright red almost the exact shade of Eijirou's hair and its "matching" "Kacchan" beanie is hanging up with Eijirou's own winter coat. The sight of Katsuki wearing the beanie is enough to get Eijirou out of hiding with more excited yips.

At the very least Eijirou holds still while Katsuki curses and bitches at his harness, patiently lifting up his paws when instructed and only beginning to wiggle around again once it has been snapped into place.

The harness of course is just a formality so no one calls the police or pro-heroes to come to deal with the unnaturally large "dog". It was Eijirou's idea initially and after begging, and promising not to run off, and break Katsuki's arm in the process, Katsuki finally conceded. So far for the last four years he has managed to keep his promise, but Katsuki still anticipates a night where he will be in the hospital with a dislocated shoulder.

Leash clipped in place, Katsuki grabs his and Eijirou's phones, keys, and his own wallet before leaving their shared apartment. The sight of the snow on the ground doesn't exactly thrill Katsuki, but Eijirou wiggles and does a slight hop in place while he waits for Katsuki to lock the door.

Then all bets are off and Eijirou is firmly, but gently pulling Katsuki down the covered stairs and into the snow covered street. To keep tonight from being that fateful hospital trip Katsuki just lets go of the leash and lets Eijirou bound around.

Eijirou the wolf is as loud as his human counterpart and makes sure Katsuki knows he is enjoying himself with barks, yips, and even a low howl. Neighbors used to come up to Katsuki's door to complain about his dog making noise, but they never did it a second time after actually seeing Eijirou. It's satisfying to know the shitbag old lady that sprays lavender perfume into their shared vents is having a rough time sleeping tonight.

While Eijirou gets his fill of snow pouncing Katsuki makes sure to get plenty of pictures of him doing so. The group chat will be demanding, annoying, and whining if he doesn't deliver their fill of Eijirou the wolf by the time they get off patrol and work. They will be pleased over the five second video of Eijirou bounding towards the camera as he is actually ready for their walk now.

The end of the leash Katsuki is supposed to be holding is hanging out of Eijirou's mouth as he stares up at Katsuki with a pleased expression and a wagging tail. They have a staredown for all of three seconds before Katsuki takes the leash and is dragged away from the cover of their apartment stairs.

It is just as bad as Katsuki predicted it would be and Katsuki is freezing his ass off within three seconds of being dragged through the snow to the cleared sidewalk. Eijirou looks smug and proud of himself of course, completely unfazed by the snow clinging to his snout. He at least has the decency to let Katsuki curse and shake the excess snow off of himself before continuing their walk.

At least at this time at night there aren't any kids around to stare at or attempt to pet Eijirou because in the summer he is insufferable to deal with after being given so much positive attention. Mostly because he then tries to demand the same kind of attention from Katsuki and gives no fucks about bowling Katsuki over in public to lay on his chest until he has been satisfied. So, it may be cold as fuck and the ground may be covered in snow, but at least it's peaceful.

A peace which lasts all of a few minutes as they start to make their way to the outskirts of their neighborhood. Then Katsuki and Eijirou's phones start going off with multiple text messages. The self-proclaimed "squad" is awake.

Alien QUEEN: Baku! He Looks So CUTE!!! :D! You better tell him how cute he is!!! Taped Caper: How are you outside in this weather??? Burr Hemingyay: that's terrifying he looks like he's ready to P O U N C E Alien QUEEN: I! Want! To! Come! Over! And! Pet! Him! And! Tell! Him! What! A! Good! Boy! He! Is! Alien QUEEN: Baku, you answer your phone right now or I'm coming over to pet Eiji Alien QUEEN: 5 Taped Caper: Oof, Bakugou you may want to pick up, she made the same threat when I got the ferrets Alien QUEEN: 4! Alien QUEEN: 3!!! Hemingyay: oh lord she coming Alien QUEEN: TWO!!!!! Blasty Boy: Shut up. We're on a walk right now and I don't want you fucks coming over.

He reluctantly frees a hand from its glove to type out a quick message as soon as Mina started counting down. It's worth it if it actually manages to keep their friends from raiding his apartment and disturbing his potentially quiet evening at home.

Alien QUEEN: Awwwwww, but I already put my boots on!!! :( Taped Caper: Wait, are we all coming over? Taped Caper: I haven't had dinner yet though, so should we order something? Hemingyay: i want our usual noodle place if we're going over to visit eiji and kacchan Alien QUEEN: BURGERS! BURGERS! BURGERS! Blasty Boy: Oi, I already said I'm not having you idiots over tonight! Alien QUEEN: TOO LATE, PINKY IS OUT OF THE BUILDING AND HOPING ON A TRAIN AS WE SPEAK!!! Taped Caper: What are you hoping the train is going to do? Alien QUEEN: >:( Taped Caper: Haha, I'm putting the ferrets to bed and then I'll be over too Hemingyay: omw

Eijirou's ears flick back when Katsuki throws his head back and growls up at the night sky because of course their stupid friends wouldn't take no for an answer. He would be lucky to get them out of the house after a few hours. At least they may be able to wind down Eijirou's energy before bed, but that's the only bonus.

"I hope you're happy you dumb mutt, we're going to have company when we get back." At least the lavender perfume lady wouldn't be getting any peace and quiet either.

Eijirou doesn't seem like he understands and Katsuki can practically see the gears turning in his dumb werewolf boyfriend's head. When it finally clicks he gives a short little hop and runs a few circles before turning and howling at the moon. As if the idiots that are their friends would actually respond. It's cute and Eijirou doesn't seem at all deterred from his happiness when Katsuki lets out a sharp bark of laughter. Instead, he wiggles around, barks, and immediately turns around to start pulling Katsuki back to their apartment complex as fast as his paws and Katsuki's reluctant jogging would allow him to.

Which is great because it starts to snow as soon as they reach cover.

Not that, that stops Mina from immediately showing up at their door just as soon as Katsuki has convinced Eijirou to shake out all the snow in his fur outside, instead of tracking it in. All those efforts are in vain as Eijirou takes one look at Mina and almost breaks his promise of not dislocating Katsuki's shoulder. It's a near thing and if Katsuki couldn't recognize Mina's excited stomping up the stairs and released the leash then they all would have been enjoying their dinner in the hospital waiting room.

Mina is completely unphased about being tackled by almost 200 pounds of fur and dumbass. Instead rancorously laughing and aggressively ruffling the fur of Eijirou's neck, as if laying on the muddy and snowy porch with wet and smelly wolf laying on top of her is a comfortable place to be. It's also exactly where Katsuki leaves them in favor of returning to his warm apartment and shedding his coats.

Eventually, the other two join him inside and he attempts to beat some of the mud out of the back of her sweater before they both give up and she borrows one of Eijirou's instead.

Surprisingly they manage to settle into a relative peace after battling it out over what to watch while waiting for the other two morons to show up. Both of them settling on the couch with Eijirou laying between them, the only one actually paying attention to the movie as Mina is on her phone and Katsuki is finishing up one of his reports from earlier yesterday. Occasionally there will be a comment thrown back and forth between them ("Raka says you have to stop hogging pupper Eiji." "Tell Angel Face if she wants to deal with him, then she can babysit him tomorrow." or "I know logically it is just Eiji under all that fur, but how does he manage to contain all that cuteness, Baku? How???" "He's always cute, shut up and watch the damn movie." "Awwwww-" "DON'T YOU DARE, SHUT UP!") but they manage this peace up until thirty minutes later when Denki shows up.

Watching him get tackled and then futility trying to fend off Eijirou's over affectionate licking is far more entertaining to watch than the movie at that point. Even when Mina climbs over Katsuki's lap to take a picture of the struggling and laughing Denki while Eijirou does his damndest to try to smother his so-called friend. Her phone blows up with texts messages after that, likely from another group chat she is in with the rest of the former Class 1-A.

After a few more minutes of struggling Katsuki determines Denki has suffered enough and whistles sharply for Eijirou to get off of him. The wolf isn't even the slightest bit put out and leaps over the back of the couch to cuddle with Katsuki instead, panting as he lulls his head affectionately against Katsuki's chest. He puts up with the slight crushing of his rib-cage just because he is a good boyfriend.

"Awww, Kacchan woves his boyfriend~" He regrets not letting Eijirou smother Denki to death almost immediately.

Unfortunately, Eijirou won't move so Katsuki can pick up on the attempted murder from where he foolishly made Eijirou stop. He has seen the error of his ways, but his werewolf boyfriend is heavy and obviously basking in the glow of friendship, or some other crap like that.

At least he is spared from having to settle for verbal evisceration because Hanta shows up shortly after with a polite knock before letting himself in with the spare key he was (wrongfully) entrusted with. Katsuki doesn't have enough air left in his lungs from when Eijirou lunges off of him to tackle his next target. Hanta is about half-way free of his shoes and apparently completely forgot about the oversized wolf living here. He is punished for his foolishness with suffocation and a wet tongue making half of his hair stick up.

It takes two whistles and a harsh "Eijirou" before the werewolf manages to drag himself away from Hanta, tail between his legs as he whines pathetically up at Katsuki.

"Sorry, I should have changed clothes after handling the ferrets, my bad." He says this and doesn't look even the least bit sorry from where he is laying on the ground, so Katsuki doesn't grace him with anything more than a grunt in response.

"Were we going to get burgers or noodles for dinner? I'm seriously starving here." Hanta continues unlacing his shoes from where he is laying on the ground and grimaces when a drop of snowmelt lands on his cheek.

"I want nooooodles," Denki whines and dramatically throws himself across the back of the couch.

"BURGERS, BURGERS, BURGERS!" Mina continues her chant from earlier and pushes Denki off of the couch, where he has also accepted his fate and stays laying face smushed into the ground.

"The lady has spoken, burgers it is!" Hanta declares from where he has finally freed himself from his coat and is laying out on it like a particularly luxurious bed.

Eijirou has no idea what is going on, but he is very excited for it and lets off a howl in response to Mina's excited yell.

They all end up having to put back on their winter weather clothing when it is determined that the burger place does not deliver. Normally Katsuki would have said fuck no to going back out in the frozen wasteland, but Mina is determined to get her burgers and practically helps dress him. Eijirou himself is determined to knock everyone down in his excitement when he figures out that they are going out again. At least Katsuki doesn't have to go through the process of putting his harness back on since they hadn't even bothered to remove it in the first place.

The walk to the burger place in uneventful in and of itself, except that Mina decides that she wants to walk Eijirou and then nearly trips onto her face when he tries to set a jogging pace. The werewolf at least seems apologetic as he sticks to walking beside Mina and taking careful steps as they all casually walk.

Getting recognized in public is both a hassle and a blessing. Because while they may get served sooner than a regular citizen they have to put up with annoying questions from fans. As if professional heroes aren't allowed to go out and have burgers too. Not for the first time in the night Katsuki really wishes his boyfriend wasn't currently furry so he could field the questions away. The only thing he's really good for as a large wolf is discouraging the more weak hearted people to stay away.

When they actually get their burgers and are able to peel away from the few people still pestering them it has somehow managed to start snowing again. Eijirou is delighted of course, like the fur brained dumbass he is, and immediately pulls Mina face first into the snow as he charges off, dragging her behind him as he goes.

For her part, Mina seems less disturbed by this and more excited as she yells with delight at her impromptu ride.

"Should we like try to catch her or something?" Denki peaks over the several bags he is carrying, like the designated pack-mule he is, and raises an eyebrow at Katsuki.

Eijirou and Mina are slowly becoming dots in the distance as Eijirou keeps up his excited run. Eventually, he would either reach their apartment, realize nobody had followed his mad dash, and lay down to wait. Or he would circle back around, likely still towing Mina behind him.

"Not likely." The other two take this as all the fact they need and they start up an easy conversation as they walk.

Eijirou does end up circling back around, although he isn't towing Mina anymore. As apparently she finally got wise and let go of his leash at some point. They find her not too far away, still lying face down in the snow and doing an excellent impression of a dead animal. No one is fooled though and Eijirou noses at her until she sits up and pushes at his snout.

"No, I'm mad at you, Eiji! We were friends and then you got snow all up in my shirt and pants!" Eijirou does not look the least bit sorry his tongue lolling out and eyes squinting up in amusement. He quickly dodges out of the way of Mina's attempt to smack his nose and does a little jog around her.

"Oof, betrayed." Hanta snickers from his place next to Denki and helps Mina off of the ground as Katsuki picks up the end of Eijirou's leash.

After recovering the other two they finally make it back to Katsuki and Eijirou's apartment to eat. There is some more intense debate over what to watch before they settle on a crime documentary, it's in French for some reason (Eijirou borrowed it from Aoyama a while ago, but they both forgot about it and it might as well be his now), but at least it comes with subtitles. Not that they actually pay attention to it, instead determined to talk as loud as they can to beat out the sound of the movie (and the old woman from downstairs beating on the ceiling with a broom with the determination of a bear roused from its slumber).

It's something Katsuki is content to stay out of, for the most part, instead finishing his food quickly and ignoring Eijirou's 'sneaky' attempts at getting the rest of his burger, as if the wolf hadn't already had three of his own. Not that Eijirou ever cares about his own portions when he could be stealing his friends or his boyfriend's food. Although he has to settle with losing this battle as he is currently lacking in the opposable thumbs department at the moment.

He does win the fight of getting to set his head in Katsuki's lap at least, as the rest of the couch is being taken up by their friends and Eijirou is too heavy to lay across their laps.

"Aw, Eiji and Kacchan sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G~" Denki, of course, has to immediately ruin any companionable moment with his obnoxious and unwanted singing.

"That doesn't even make any sense you dumbfuck!" Denki is lucky that Katsuki has a lap full of sleepy boyfriend or he would have had an attempt on his life just then.

"Yeah, it's more like Eiji and Bakugou sitting in a tree C-U-D-D-L-I-N-G." Hanta is completely unhelpful here, grin widening at Katsuki's slowly reddening face.

"Eiji and Kat sitting on a couch B-E-I-N-G C-U-T-E." Mina chimes in from her very dangerous position sitting next to Katsuki, and once the other two have deciphered the benign spelling they start laughing like it is the funniest thing she has ever said. Which is dumb because they aren't even drunk and it wasn't even that funny.

Eijirou, the traitor, lets out a huff of air from inbetween his teeth and a little wheeze. Which is most certainly a laugh, and the bastard doesn't even flinch when Katsuki explodes his furry shoulder. Just lets out another wheeze as he relaxes his hardening and stares up at Katsuki with eyes that are too human for his current form. Katsuki feels even more betrayed as his face starts to heat up more.

"Aw, come on, don't be like that, Bakugou. You two have been dating for years now, right? What's there to even be embarrassed about?"

"Yeah! And you two are super cute together! Even with..." Mina carefully puts her hands, ineffectively, over Eijirou's ears and leans in to stage whisper to Katsuki, "his condition." Yes, because Eijirou being a werewolf is such a horrible problem that Katsuki has to live with, however will he cope.

"Shut up, like any of this shit is hard." For some reason this makes the other three let out 'awwws', some more sarcastic than others, and Katsuki really wants to kill them all and bury their bodies in the non-existent backyard. Several years of dating really has done nothing to make him immune to their friends insistent bullshit, and if Katsuki were more the poetic type he would probably lament some on this.

At least the conversation, thankfully, moves on to the French movie when there is an abrupt scream from the screen and a gory scene. Katsuki doesn't pay it that much mind when he feels eyes on him and looks down to see Eijirou is staring up at him. Normally those big eyes would be impossible to decipher, but Katsuki knows Eijirou too well to think that the soft sigh and half-lidded position of his eyes is anything but unrestrained adoration.

Maybe if they were in private he would absolutely eat that look up, but surrounded by company Katsuki feels his face go blotchy again with red and he pushes Eijirou's head abruptly out of his lap. Something the wolf actually gets stubborn about, pushing back against Katsuki's insistent hand until he gets fed up and puts his front paws up on the couch next to Katsuki's hips and pushes him back until he is leaning against the back of the couch.

Now situated in this new position Katsuki doesn't have the leverage to push Eijirou away again as the wolf half crawls onto the couch and rests his furry maw next to Katsuki's shoulder. It is something like being slowly suffocated by a furry blanket and if Katsuki were a stronger man he would have already pushed Eijirou off so he could breathe again. Unfortunately he is a weak man to the contented sigh that Eijirou lets out and the way he relaxes against Katsuki as if there is no other place that he would rather be, and if the other three softly start singing their ridiculous song again he can pretend he can't hear them over Eijirou's breathing in his ear.

Which is a position that he somehow manages to fall asleep in. Only woken up again by Hanta's light touch on his shoulder and the quick rub that Mina does to his hair.

"Hey, thanks for having us over, but we're all going to head out before the snow gets too bad to walk in." Hanta whispers as if he doesn't really want to disturb the moment and isn't perturbed when he only gets a grunt back in response.

"Remind Eiji for me that we are still going out to check out the new mall store and I'm not letting him get out of it just because it is full moon week!" Mina whisper yells and gives a stern look to the still sleeping Eijirou before she bundles herself up and sweeps out the door. Denki yawns and gives a half-wave as he follows her out, his complaints about the snow half muffled as they loudly thump their way down the apartment stairs.

Hanta is the last to leave, shutting off the light and locking the door behind him.

Eijirou stirs at the sound of the lock clicking and peeks open one eye. He must determine that it isn't important because he almost immediately closes it again and resumes his previous napping position. Too bad Katsuki isn't having any more of it.

"Get off me, I need to clean up after those slobs and go to bed, shitty fur." He mocks Eijirou's fur, but then immediately pets it, so no one can blame the werewolf for the mixed signals he is getting. Although he does eventually give in to Katsuki's random jabs in his side in between pets and gets off of his boyfriend, flopping down to take up the entire couch space as Katsuki stands up and stretches.

He watches lazily as Katsuki begins to pick up the living room and throw away trash. Someone had at least turned off the TV and put the remotes back where they were meant to go, so the only hassle is making sure that all the dishes are washed and put away and that random trash isn't littering their floor. The cleaning would have gone faster if Katsuki had had a second pair of hands helping him, but he doubts very much that Eijirou could be much help with his soft furry paws. Although he does recall one night where the werewolf had picked up a rag with his mouth and attempted to dry some dishes, mostly he just succeeded in leaving nose prints on all of the dishes and forcing Katsuki to wash them a second time.

Eijirou does get off of the couch when it seems like Katsuki has thrown away the last of the trash, padding softly over to his boyfriend and trying to nudge him in the direction of the bedroom.

"Fuck off, just because you're a wolf doesn't mean that you're getting out of brushing your teeth, Eijirou." Which is unfortunate, but whatever gets Eijirou to cuddling quicker is something that he can put up with in the moment. Even as uncomfortable as mint toothpaste is to his sensitive nose.

Overall getting ready for bed is the most boring part of the day compared to the past few hours of excitement and the whirlwind of friends. But Eijirou would not trade these few moments alone with his boyfriend for the world. If Katsuki were more inclined he would likely tell him the same.

They end up settling into bed with the covers thrown off despite the chilly air of the room. Eijirou putting off enough body heat to keep himself and his boyfriend warm without any trouble.

Eijirou is already dozing and about to fall asleep when he feels Katsuki shift next to him. He considers opening his eyes to investigate, but since Katsuki is shifting closer and not out of bed he doesn't feel a need to. Although he does almost jump out of his fun when he feels a soft kiss on his forehead. It is a nice reminder that sleepy Katsuki is an affectionate Katsuki and Eijirou wishes more than anything that he wasn't currently stuck as a wolf so he could pepper his boyfriend in kisses of his own.

For now, he settles on resting his head on Katsuki's chest and listening to his heartbeat as he dozes off. There would be plenty of time for that in the morning when he is back to normal.

~OwO~

When Katsuki next wakes up it was to the sound of training music and a punching bag being hit. Unsurprising really as Eijirou likes to get up early even on his days off and workout. It usually annoys Katsuki to no end when he does it, but right now he is more than a little grateful to hear the familiar morning routine.

It's nice to have the reassurance that his boyfriend isn't going to stay a wolf forever and will eventually return to how he is supposed to be.

The floor and air is unsurprisingly freezing when Katsuki steps out of bed and he has to resist with all his willpower not to take the blankets with him like some kind of makeshift cloak.

And Eijirou is right where he is supposed to be, red hair pinned up in a ridiculous headband and focused on his breathing as he delivers swing after swing onto the punching bag.

Katsuki shuffles forward and following his sleepy impulses wraps his arms around Eijirou's back and leans against him. As expected he is giving off enough heat to keep away the morning chill.

"Morning, Katsuki! Sorry about falling asleep on you last night, but you were so comfy and the movie was a lot more boring than I expected it to be! I don't know how Denki managed to stay awake through it, but apparently he was addicted to the plot. He sent me some memes about it this morning, but I'll have to show you them after breakfast. Speaking of, what do you want?" Eijirou is usually pretty chatty the morning after a full moon night and Katsuki guesses that has something to do with the lack of human vocal cords while a wolf and his normal inability to shut up.

For now, Katsuki just basks in the voice of his too cheery boyfriend and entertains the thought of dragging Eijirou back to bed before deciding against it.

"Shut up, I'll make eggs." He grumbles and reluctantly disentangles himself from Eijirou.

He gets about as far as two inches before Eijirou catches him around the waist and drags him into his chest. Katsuki is tempted to explode Eijirou's back for that, but instead settles on nuzzling into him instead. He really is too warm and comfortable against the winter air. Which is what he will blame how pliant he is on when Eijirou showers his face and hair in kisses and he doesn't put up any fight to try to push him away.

"Hm, missed you." Is said right against his lips and Katsuki opens his eyes just specifically to roll them.

"You didn't go anywhere, morning-bred asshole."

"I know, but I miss doing this with you." And he means everything that they do, from washing the dishes together to being able to share a kiss.

So, sure Kirishima doesn't have a problem with being a werewolf, and it is even cool at times, but he likes being human a lot more for his boyfriend.

"Stupid. Come pull your weight with breakfast or you aren't getting any." Katsuki lets out a small snort and finally pulls away from Eijirou to make his way to the kitchen.

"Sir, yes, sir!" Eijirou calls after him and lets out a bright laugh when he gets flipped off in return.

Another full moon night conquered and many more to come.

[officiallaxgirl]

Things I Wish I Knew Before I Played College Lacrosse

Let me preface this by saying getting to play in college is an honor, and something that shouldn’t be taken lightly. No matter your division or alignment, you’ve accomplished something that soooo many people dream about. 

Something that people don’t stress enough about playing in college is the mental stress. Playing a college sport can be draining, both mentally and physically, and even emotionally. You’ve invested years of your life into your sport, and you’re attached. It’s tough to detach yourself from something you truly care about. I realize there are so many things I wish someone had told me before I got to college and started playing, and I hope some of what I learned helps you too! Disclaimer: I was by no means nor am I the greatest player ever, also most of these things you’ll learn with time but why not get a head start. Let’s get to ittttt.

1. Have Your Skills Together

    Stick skills are a HUGE part of lacrosse. If you’re looking to get playing time and stand out, make sure you can catch with both hands and catch very well on the run and under pressure. Even if you think your stick skills are perfect, keep that stick in your hand because especially at the higher level, you gotta be ready to go. If you’re looking to play a specific position, know the ins and outs of that position well enough to be able to execute if you are put on the field, but also be open to playing somewhere new. You don’t need to know everything about it, but be able to play what you say you can play, and don’t be afraid to ask questions. Just be ready to play and be ready to learn. Everyone will drop passes here and there, but if you have your catching/throwing/field sense together it will take a load off of your back and make your transition much smoother.

2. Be Prepared to Build Relationships

   In High School, you were most likely on a team with all your friends and you all joined together/played together. College is different, you’re coming together with really talented people from all over. Be ready to respect everyone, learn from others, and be open to making new friends. It sounds cliche, but it kind of sucks when you don’t really get along with anyone and you’re on a bus for 8 hours by yourself. You don’t have to force the relationships, but just be open to being a good teammate and remember that you’re all there to work together, win, and have fun.

   This applies to your coaches too. You may constantly feel like you need to impress your coaches and make sure they like you, but don’t let that be your main focus. Just be yourself and PLAY, but also be a good listener and be ontop of your game. Coaches notice everything, and if they don’t the captains do and they pass along what they see. It can be really hard if you feel like your coaches don’t like you or favor others, and thats something you just have to navigate as you go along. Focus on your game and being your best. Also make friends outside of lacrosse! It’ll be a breath of fresh air you need sometimes when team things are a little stressful. You’ll make amazing friends both on and off the field, but make an effort to have both.

3. Get Your Emotions In Check

   I am a very emotional person. I say i’m not, but I am. I cried when I watched Hannah Montana: The Movie (but who didn’t, tbh). Before you start playing, get your emotions in check and be ready to rely on yourself to continuously keep it together. Playing a college sport tests everything you believe in. You will doubt yourself so many times and ask yourself why you’re there, what you’re doing, why this isn’t working, etc. DO NOT talk yourself out of something you’ve worked so hard for. Be prepared to tell yourself to snap out of it and WORK. My downfall is that I was constantly in my head and it clouded how I played, I overthought everything, and that 1 second of overthinking could lead to a missed opportunity. Practice or find a way to brush things off when they happen, and after playing take time to yourself to work through your emotions and take care of yourself! Getting sad about dropping passes or missing shots only makes more bad things happen, but if you can brush that off and keep going that’ll give you a big leg up. Do not put more pressure on yourself than necessary/than already there....you will freeze up and start to feel like a headcase....not fun nor healthy.

4. Do Not Compare Yourself to Other Players

   Ohhhh boy, do I wish i’d known this way ahead of the game. It’s okay to be inspired and to draw tidbits of inspiration here and there, but don’t let yourself get bogged down in comparing yourself to other players. You yourself are there for a reason, figure out what makes you the special player that you are and use that to stand out! Time spent comparing yourself to others just hurts you in the process (im telling you, those college emotions hit you all at once and mess with your head).

5. Decide Who You Want to Be

   Eventually, there’ll come a time when you realize that you’re kind of in a box as a player. It happens. Coaches don’t necessarily do it on purpose, but sometimes you’ll be put in a box. I believe that you can either accept the box you’re in, if you feel like it’s a good/healthy place for you, or work to change your box/how your coaches perceive you. Some believe that being a role player is a positive thing, as every team has them, but that doesn’t always have to be you. Be willing to fight for what you want and who you want to be, but don’t hurt yourself in the process. 

   Outside of lacrosse, know that sometimes balance will be very hard to achieve. In college, you’ll be exposed to new things (parties, trips, new people), and you have to decide if you want to be an amazing lacrosse player (which will pull you away from your social life) or a socializer (which will pull you away from lacrosse). Some people can do both, but there’ll come a time when you have to decide where you’re going to put a majority of your effort into, and there’s nothing wrong with choosing what feels best for you (as long as its safe!).

6. You Are MORE Than the Sport You Play

   When I started playing lacrosse overall, I wanted NOTHING more than to be the greatest player alive. I would’ve done anything for it. I put my worth into my lacrosse skills, and I realized once I got to college that it may not have been healthy. I see that trend a lot sometimes, we delve so far into the things we love that we forget we have other qualities. Lacrosse is not what defines you, its part of you. You are more than your sport, the minutes you play, whether or not a coach favorites you, etc. Outside of lacrosse, just like in lacrosse, are tons of amazing things, and remember you started playing for fun.

7. Be Willing to Work

   I mentioned this above, but playing in college will force you to be healthier, fitter, and more of a hard-worker. At every level, you’ll be expected to be on top of your grind. When you’re at practice, you’re there to focus and put in work to succeed for you and your teammates. Be prepared to grind everyday and bring your A game. Nothing will come easy, even if you’re the top player there’ll always be some challenge presented by your coaches (to make you better). Take advantage of the competitive atmosphere and do your thing.

8. STUDENT Athlete; Student Is First For A Reason

   Remember why you’re there.....schooool. Don’t let your academics suffer for the sake of sports. I know sometimes you’ll feel pressure to just let things slide, but for the sake of your future stay focused on school. I’m absolutely guilty of not being 50/50 for school and sports, and its normal! A lil 60/40, 68/32 here and there doesn’t hurt too bad, but stay on top of your work cause just like in high school, you could be ineligible to play if your grades are looking rough.

    9. If It Isn’t For You, That’s Okay 

   Playing a sport in college isn’t for everyone. It could be the practice times, being away from friends, team dynamic, traveling, etc. So many things factor into it, and sometimes the school just isn’t the right one for you and thats okay! There’s nothing wrong with deciding to change your path. You are still an awesome athletic talented badass person and if you’re doing whats best for you, then its all good.

10. Have FUN

   There’s gonna be times when it feels like lacrosse is your life and the only thing you have going on, and sometimes that can be a heavy weight. But always always always have fun. Think of it this way: you’re going on a dive in a really really cool ocean and there’s tons of cool fish and buried treasure etc, but eventually you’ll have to come up from the dive and get back to land. You don’t want to spend the whole dive worrying about whats on land, if the other divers are seeing cooler fish than you, if you brought enough sunscreen, or whatever else will take away from the beauty of the dive. You’ll be able to do another cool dive someday, but make the most of the dive you’re doing now. College lacrosse is that current dive, and alumni games/leagues etc are your future dive. I wish i’d realized that there was more to lacrosse and sports in general than playing time, but it kind of isn’t my nature (turns out my #1 trait is that I am a Competitor, go figure. Yes, cat is out of the bag, I quit because, though i’m slightly ashamed, my mental health was suffering because I was so hyperfocused on being this perfect player and I just stopped enjoying what I was doing). So young college laxers, there’s sooo much more to your experience than how much you play. Please take advantage of all thats offered to you.

All in all, you are going to be great no matter what you do. Go into college with a clear mindset and do your thing! Whether there’s tons of pressure on you or not, remember you are a special player and you have soooo many things going for you in and out of lacrosse. I look forward to hearing about you all’s lax journeys and know you always have a fan in me!

[gadgetsrevv]

Arsenal and Emery’s plan badly backfires at Liverpool. PLUS — Griezmann steps up for Barcelona

Gab Marcotti is here to recap a busy, dramatic weekend in soccer. Welcome to Monday Musings.

Jump to: Arsenal’s errors at Liverpool | Real still a mess | Spurs’ Eriksen problem | Refs wreck Fiorentina vs. Napoli? | PSG need Neymar | More Man United woe | Mihajlovic is inspiring | Lewandowski carries Bayern | Griezmann the hero for Barca | Business as usual for Juve | Milan’s epic fail

What Arsenal got wrong vs. Liverpool

Unai Emery’s resume is what will likely get him a pass for what Arsenal fans saw on Saturday. A decade at the highest level with Valencia, Seville and Paris Saint-Germain, often succeeding because of his tactical nous and his ability to read opponents and exploit their weaknesses, means that you want to give the benefit of the doubt. But having watched the approach to Liverpool away at Anfield, it’s a tough thing to do.

It’s not just the midfield diamond that ceded the flanks to Jurgen Klopp’s crew (who, for those not paying attention, have two pretty darn good providers in Andy Robertson and Trent Alexander-Arnold). Nor was it the decision to try to keep possession without Lucas Torreira, your second-best passer. Nor was it the insistence on playing out from the back against arguably the best high-press team in the Premier League, just a week after another high-press team, Burnley, had given them fits. And, for that matter, neither was it the reluctance to occasionally mix in the long ball (the two times they did it, it worked well) when you have speedy forwards like Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and Nicolas Pepe.

It’s that it’s really difficult to figure out what pathway Emery sees towards success at Arsenal.

Emery’s career has earned him some time, but there’s little sense in how he set Arsenal up in Saturday’s defeat at Liverpool.

There’s nothing wrong with adding Dani Ceballos for a season in midfield, but if you’re trying to build something, do you really want everything to hinge so heavily around a guy who’s there on loan? And given that it’s hard to find a natural home for Mesut Ozil and Henrikh Mkhitaryan in the setups he has used this season, is it really wise to write them off at this stage?

Arsenal finished two points away from third place last season in Emery’s first Premier League campaign. They may well hit the target this season, or come close to it, but that has more to do with issues elsewhere. The real goal has to be reducing the 27 points that separated them from Liverpool in second. It’s not clear at all that Saturday did that.

– Weekend Review: Are Tottenham getting stale? – O’Hanlon: Should we be worried about “superteam” Man City? – Jones: Sheffield United prove heart can beat talent

As for the European champions, they played with big-game vitality and intensity as Klopp opted to turn in one of his extreme high-press performances. I’m not sure how often we’ll see that from him this season. It’s extremely taxing on the front men and the midfielders, which is why, incidentally, you should expect more rotation in the middle of the park this year. Not to mention the fact that you’re always vulnerable to the ball over the top or teams with enough quality to break the press wide open.

All that said, in one-offs and for shorter spurts during games, it remains a devastating weapon.

Real Madrid still a mess

Against Valladolid, Real Madrid managed to field not just an entire XI without newcomers, but also one where every outfield player was on the club’s books since at least 2014. Sure, Eden Hazard is injured (and you assume they’ll make room for him when fit) but apart from two Luka Jovic substitute appearances, we haven’t seen any of the four new signings. Instead, we’re seeing plenty of James Rodriguez and Gareth Bale, two guys with giant “For Sale” tags around their necks for most of the summer.

Zinedine Zidane is doing things his way, and to be fair, the Pep Guardiola-style 4-1-4-1 we saw in the first half Saturday is worth revisiting. Less impressive was the late collapse that left two points on the table. And the fact that Valladolid’s equaliser was scored by a guy named Guardiola (Sergi, no relation, although he was once on Barca’s books), makes it hurt a little bit more.

I made this point before but it’s worth making again: no clean sheets and two points dropped after two games does not mean Real Madrid absolutely need to sign Neymar. Their four new signings have played a total of 34 minutes, and they’re already stacked in Neymar’s position. (What’s more, Zidane is getting those guys on the pitch.)

There may be a price/package at which Neymar makes sense, but most likely, there isn’t.

Tottenham’s Eriksen problem

Tottenham knew what they were getting when Newcastle United rolled into town. They were taking on an embattled veteran manager who had lost his first two games and was getting criticised locally. No prizes for guessing what Steve Bruce was going to do: sit deep with a virtual 7-2-1 formation and pray for the best.

So why take the pitch without Giovani Lo Celso and Christian Eriksen, arguably Spurs’ two best creative passers? Beats me.

Mauricio Pochettino’s negativity over Eriksen and his contractual situation — he recently called it “difficult” and said he “didn’t know” if the Dane had played his last game for the club — is understandable to some degree and you can find some sympathy too. But equally, that’s not a reason to bench him or, for that matter, Jan Vertonghen, the guy who was (and maybe still is?) Tottenham’s vice-captain until last season.

You can blame the media for many things but there are legitimate questions to answer about the club’s strategy and the degree of freedom which Pochettino has… or maybe doesn’t have as manager.

Refs ruin Fiorentina vs. Napoli?

After the wild Magic Mountain ride that was Napoli’s 4-3 win away to Fiorentina in Serie A’s curtain-raiser, the last thing you want to do is talk referees. But that crew, particularly with the penalty Dries Mertens “won,” leaves little choice.

You can understand the mistake in awarding it — referees are human and Davide Massa isn’t just human, he’s not particularly good either — it’s harder to accept why VAR didn’t ask him to take another look. The whole crew is likely to sit out the next round (and Mertens, reportedly, could face retrospective punishment), which is encouraging.

On the pitch, Fiorentina’s young ones (who later made way for the golden oldies, Franck Ribery and Kevin-Prince Boateng) were fun to watch and played without fear. It will be a transition season but the future is bright. As for Napoli, the Smurf Squad did its thing and with Arkadiusz Milik and Hirving “Chucky” Lozano added to the mix, this is a side that can beat you many different ways.

PSG might need Neymar after all

Last season it was the teeny, tiny senior squad: a direct result of Financial Fair Play. This year, Paris Saint-Germain have more bodies but they’re dealing with injuries. Against Toulouse they lost Edinson Cavani, Abdou Diallo and Kylian Mbappe in one fell swoop, which rather muted celebrations for their 4-0 win.

None of the injuries looked season-ending, God forbid, and we’ll get an update soon, but with Neymar out of the squad pending the final days of the transfer window, it’s looking like an uphill ride for Thomas Tuchel. What does appear clear (despite the naysayers) is that if the transfer deadline comes and goes and Neymar is still there, he’ll be a professional and quickly slip back into the lineup. For Tuchel, that won’t come soon enough.

What does Solskjaer want Man United to be?

Aside for a few episodes — think the Marcus Rashford missed spot-kick, some strong penalty appeals — Manchester United could easily have beaten Crystal Palace. And while they weren’t stellar, they didn’t play particularly badly either. But they remain a frustratingly one-dimensional team: fine on the counterattack and toothless with the ball, unless Paul Pogba invents something or Rashford picks out that little pass for Anthony Martial that seemingly nobody can cope with.

That’s what is disconcerting here. We know Ole Gunnar Solskjaer can do that reasonably well, but what else can he do? Is there an alternative way of playing — one that actually works — that he can turn to? That bit isn’t clear at all.

It’s not just about personnel (though it’s pretty clear he would have liked a couple more signings) which, to some degree, is out of his control. It’s about what he can affect: the way United play and right now, it seems to be in transition only. That has to change if they’re going to finish top four.

Mihajlovic is inspiring

Six weeks after telling the world he was battling a severe form of leukemia, Bologna coach Sinisa Mihajlovic slipped out of the hospital and took his place on the sideline for his team’s opening fixture, a 1-1 draw at Verona. Doctors had initially advised against it but relented when they saw his mind was made up. And anyone who has followed his career as a manager and a player will tell you that once he’s determined to do something, there’s no stopping him.

The players themselves only found out a few hours before kickoff. He wore a baseball cap and a large bandage on his neck. He was gaunt and had clearly lost a lot of weight. It obviously was a struggle but in case you hadn’t noticed, whatever else Mihajlovic is, this man is a warrior. He’ll fight cancer the way he lived his life: no retreat and no surrender.

Lewandowski keeps carrying Bayern

Robert Lewandowski‘s hat-trick overshadowed Philippe Coutinho‘s debut (he came on as a substitute) on Saturday in Bayern’s 3-0 win over Schalke and it’s as good a time as any to remind ourselves of his everyday brilliance. He has scored every single Bayern goal this season. He has 197 in 246 appearances in all competitions and since 2010, he has missed just 16 league games for Bayern and Borussia Dortmund.

Appearing on the Gab + Jules podcast last week, Jan Aage Fjortoft said “they must go to church every day in Munich praying he doesn’t get injured.” He’s right. He carries the can on his own up front and, for most of his tenure, he’s had no credible back up.

It’s not surprising, then, that Bayern are about to extend his contract by another two seasons, taking him up to 2023. When you’ve been that consistent for that long, doing otherwise would be madness.

Griezmann proves himself for Barca

With Lionel Messi, Ousmane Dembele and Luis Suarez unavailable, Ernesto Valverde conjured up a new front three for the visit of Real Betis Sunday night. Alongside Antoine Griezmann were Rafinha (who had played once since November 2018) and Carles Perez, who had played 35 minutes of top-flight football in his entire career. (He was later replaced by Ansu Fati, who is only the second youngest debutant in the club’s history.)

Having gone a goal down, they stormed back to win 5-2 and a lot of the credit has to go to Griezmann. It wasn’t just his two goals: it was the leadership, drive and personality he gave the side (evidently qualities seared into his DNA after years with Diego Simeone), which, at times, had you forgetting that you-know-who wasn’t there. Critics will fault Rubi’s top-heavy Betis side for failing to manage the lead but the way Barca’s second half unfolded, there was no containing them.

As with Real Madrid, they’ll want to think long and hard about whether they really need/want Neymar…

Business as usual for Juventus

There wasn’t much new or interesting in Juve’s seasonal debut, a 1-0 win over Parma. None of the new signings started and, in fact, the new manager Maurizio Sarri, battling pneumonia, wasn’t there either. Leading the line was Gonzalo Higuain, who resurrected his old Real Madrid partnership with Cristiano Ronaldo.

Might he end up doing so all season long for Juve? It’s increasingly looking that way, if only by default. Of the club’s three potential centerforwards, he’s the least likely to leave and he’s the one who knows Sarri best.

Milan get a little too creative

Milan boss Marco Giampaolo said that his formation didn’t work in the opening day 1-0 defeat to Udinese. Kudos for honesty, even though he did sound like Captain Obvious following a game that saw his team fail to record a shot on target and his centerforward, Krzysztof Piatek, get just 18 touches.

Giampaolo is an “outside-the-box” type of guy who likes to get creative, so he’s entitled to be unconventional. But playing a midfield three of Fabio Borini, Hakan Calhanoglou and Lucas Paqueta plus Suso in the hole behind the Piatek-Samu Castillejo partnership is waaaaayyyy outside the box.

It’s simply lining up without recognised central midfielders. To paraphrase Billy Joel, do that and you walk away a fool or a king. He was no king on Sunday.

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[teapotauror]

1 to 85 vague nsfw asks.

putting this under a read more because its gonna be long

1. Are looks important in a relationship?I think everyone notices looks in someone first, and I have found my previous partners attractive but, I liked them because of their personality as well. If you’re good looking and an asshole that just makes you less attractive

2. Are relationships ever worth it?Of course they’re worth it, you get to spend time with someone that you like and make memories together.

3. Are you a virgin?Yep

4. Are you in a relationship?I am not

5. Are you in love?Nope

6. Are you single this year?I had a girlfriend from March to halfway through April but she broke up with me

7. Can you commit to one person?Of course

8. Describe your crushI don’t have one

9. Describe your perfect mateSomeone who likes musicals and who will put up with me being a weirdo half the time

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?Not really

11. Do you ever want to get married?I would like to one day

12. Do you forgive betrayal?It depends on the circumstances

13. Do you get jealous easily?Sometimes, I don’t really know

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?Nope

15. Do you have any piercings?Nope

16. Do you have any tattoos?I have one, a dinosaur on my wrist

17. Do you like kissing in public?Not every five seconds, but its still cute

for some reason the list doesn’t have 18 or 19

20. Do you shower every day?Every other day

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?Nah

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?Probably one of my family members

23. Do you think you can last in relationship for 6 months and not cheat?Of course, cheating is the worst

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?Probably not

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?If I can find someone

26. Has anyone told you they don’t ever want to lose you?Not that I can remember

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?Nope

28. Have you ever been cheated on?Not that I’m aware of

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?Nope

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would change about your body? Nope, I wouldn’t change anything. I’m too scared of things going wrong

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?Yep!

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?Nope

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?Nope

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?Nope

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?I mean, that could mean by a few months so in that sense yes

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?Not in the sense of someone I met in real life, but I had a best friend through the internet and I actually dated her, we met up once

37.Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?Nope

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?Yep

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Nah

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Nope

41. Have you had sex so far this year?Nope, still a virgin

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Considering I’m probably asexual, probably a while

43. How long was your longest relationship? A couple of months

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?1 boyfriend, 2 girlfriends

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?I don’t know, that was 6 years ago and I probably played dare games and spin the bottle in those years

46. How many times did you have sex last year?Again, virgin

47. How old are you?21

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?“Wow, David Tennant, I didn’t think you would ever speak to me.”

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?I don’t have one

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?Honestly, probably

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely anything for?Nope

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?Not really

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?Nope

54. Is there someone you will never forget?Yep, my ex girlfriend

55. Share a relationship storyMy last girlfriend, was a long distance relationship and we lived about 6 hours by car away from each other, 12 by coach. I traveled those 12 hours to go and see her and go to a dodie concert together

56. State 8 facts about your bodyI have blue eyes, I’m five foot two, I have size 4 feet, I have brunette hair, I’m a bit chubby but thats okay, I bruise easily, I have no scars, there are no abs

57. Things you want to say to an exBoth of us acted stupidly during the break up, and if there was a chance for us to actually get on again that would be great but, I think it’s just something that I thought was working and you didn’t

58. What are five ways to win your heart?Musicals, ABBA, food, baking, tea/coffee dates

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture)

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?3 years

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? Eyes or hair

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?I don’t know, I still am on the ace spectrum so...

63. What is your definition of having sex?Penetration?

64. What is your definition of cheating?Flirting/kissing/sleeping with someone who isn’t your partner

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?Again, virgin and possibly asexual

66. What is your favourite roleplay?see above

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?Going out for a tea or a coffee and cake and just getting to know each other

68. What is your sexual orientation? Biromantic/asexual

69. What turns you off?Questions like this

70. What turns you on?Again, possibly asexual

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?I have never had one

72.What words do you like to hear during sex?I am a virgin please stop

73. Whats something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?Surprise me with theater tickets

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? I don’t know

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?My ex bought me a Fantastic Beasts keyring

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?I bought that ex a Ron Weasley funko pop and tickets to an ABBA tribute act (although now I’ve had to give the tickets to my friend instead)

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?As long as it’s legal, there’s nothing bad about it

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?I don’t have one

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?When a friend of me and my ex got to meet before I met my ex face to face for the first time. I felt like I should be the one meeting her before our friend did. But I was silly

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?I tell my dogs every day

81.Who are five people you find attractive?Zoe Kravitz, David Tennant, Karen Gillan, Zendaya, Eddie Redmayne

82. Who is the last person you hugged? My friend

83. Who was your first kiss with?A boy when I was like 6 or 7, although does it really count?

84. Why did your last relationship fail?She couldn’t see it working romantically in the future

85. Would you ever date someone off of the internet? I have done

[sachiro]

Victor and Yuuri’s Career Choices in Episode 12

Alternatively titled “WTF was episode 12!?” 

As the 3rd and final post in the Victor/Yuuri and Grief series (found here and here), we’ll be taking a look at how their individual journeys that we explored in the previous 2 posts leading up to the hotel scene in eps 11/12 affect their career choices in the final episode.

As we’ve seen already, both of them have gone through the entire grieving process by the time the hotel scene rolls around. Just as a reminder about what their grief focused on, I’ll do a super quick recap.

For Victor, his grief was centered around the developmental loss of his career and accepting that he can still have a fulfilling life coaching Yuuri. He hits his acceptance of this during the GPF short programs, the moment we see him overlooking the stadium as Yurio breaks his short program world record. Victor has finally reached a place where he feels he can be happy with things as they are – with him off the ice.

For Yuuri, his grief was centered around the anticipated loss of losing Victor (in all capacities) after the GPF ended and accepting that the time he has with him is limited. He convinced himself that the time he has with Victor in every capacity wasn’t forever and that he would eventually have to give him up. Over the course of the series, he comes to terms with this on his own.

Buckle up because it’s going to be a long ride. I promise you, however, that the read will be worth it. (I’ll even add in some music recommendations to listen to during certain parts to add to your reading experience!)

To start off looking at the hotel scene, I really want to put emphasis on a couple of things that really made this scene what it is (and happen in the first place).

The first thing is communication, or rather, the lack thereof. Sure, Victor and Yuuri have times where they sit down and have emotional discussions but every single one of them have been after one or the other reaches the end of their rope and they either explode (ep 7 parking garage) or pin the other down to finally get them to open up (ep 4 beach scene). At the end of the day, their communication is actually pretty terrible. I’ve talked a lot about their communication here so I’ll just mention the relevant bits. They don’t talk about their personal problems with each other until pushed to a point where they’re pretty much forced to. In the case of the hotel scene, it’s that the GPF is almost over and if Victor was going to make a comeback announcement then it would be within the next 48 or so hours.

The second, and most important, thing (that also spawns from the first point) is that they don’t know what the other is thinking. Of course they’re not telepathic so they can’t see into each other’s head unless they talk about it (which of course they don’t because they really need to work on that talking about feelings thing).

If we apply these two points to the entire series then you can really see why they clashed the way they did. Yuuri has completely and totally missed, or, in some worse cases, misinterpreted, Victor’s grieving process and everything it entailed. He was too wrapped up in his own grief to be able to see beyond it and everything therefore ended up painted in its colours. But on the flip side, Victor also totally missed Yuuri’s grief because he was involved in trying to figure out his own. These two are scarily similar sometimes but this time it ended up being for the worse. It’s like they’re both moving forward as 2 parallel lines.

Moving into the hotel scene itself, I’d just like to remind everyone of where they are both at mentally.

Victor has accepted that he won’t be going back onto the ice as a competitor. He is probably, I think, planning to officially announce his retirement at some point after the GPF. He’s happy with things the way they are now. He’s finally found the life and love he was so desperately seeking and is content exactly where he is. If he could pause time then I’m sure he’d do it in a heartbeat.

Yuuri, on the other hand, has accepted that he is on borrowed time. He already grieved the loss of his career after the previous year’s GPF, the Aria skate in ep 1 was his hitting Acceptance on that matter, and, after 9 months with Victor, Yuuri has gone through the entire process again regarding his (perceived) loss of Victor. He feels that Victor’s coaching of him is tying Victor down to a life he doesn’t want to live because if he were the top figure skater that so obviously loved competing and being on the ice then wouldn’t he want to stay there forever?

When we look at the setting in that light, you can instantly see how heart wrenching the moment is for Victor. It’s no wonder he bursts into tears and can’t get them to stop! It’s even been officially mentioned since the Victor and Grief post was written that he isn’t a man that cries easily, if ever. To twist the knife just a bit deeper, I’ll lay it out in 1 sentence:

Victor went through the entire grieving process to get away from his career and be happy off the ice with Yuuri and then that same man he thought he could have a life with away from skating tells him that the only thing he achieved through all his pain and efforts was a way back onto the ice – alone.

To be fair to Yuuri, because he isn’t doing this out of any kind of malicious intent (quite the opposite in fact), he can’t see inside Victor’s head. He can only see inside his own. That, combined with his anxiety and their poor communication, led him to believe that the impression he was getting through the film of his own grief was the only possible explanation for all that he was seeing.

In short, he felt that he was setting Victor free and allowing him the ability to do what he actually wanted to do – go back to skating without having the emotional baggage that is Yuuri Katsuki holding him back. There is a saying that perfectly describes what Yuuri is attempting to do here. “If you truly love someone, you can let them go.” Yuuri truly feels that he is doing the right thing and he is doing it out of love.

Of course, we as viewers can clearly see that he is absolutely not which leads us to a moment that is both heart-wrenching and yet morbidly humorous when viewed in a particular light.

Yuuri flat out cannot understand why Victor would be crying here. And how could he? It doesn’t in any way fit with any of the possible visions he has of what Victor wants for himself. He can’t possibly comprehend why Victor would want to just stay with him and not want to go back to the lucrative career he had before running off to coach Yuuri for a season (or part of one anyway). It’s understandable why Victor would call Yuuri selfish and then get mad when his only response to the accusation is to say “yes, I am” and then gawk at Victor’s emotional pain over the entire situation.

The same as with ep 7’s parking garage scene, we don’t actually get to see the entire scene play out and are cut off after a certain point. The same as with that earlier scene, however, I believe this one played out in a similar fashion. The crying partner got themself under control and then walked away from the situation. In Yuuri’s case it was to skate his free skate at the Cup of China and in this one it would be Victor going to bed.

As we’ve seen multiple times from Victor, he’s actually very good at controlling his anger. He gets up and grabs Yuuri’s shoulders, exclaiming out “how could you tell me to return to the ice while saying you’re retiring!?” (which, in Victor-speak and given everything we know about him, would more accurately mean “how can you so emotionlessly order me to drop all of this and go back to a life without you!?”), but I’m sure he stops himself there.

At first I felt that the way this scene was cut felt incredibly jarring but when I looked at it further I started to think it really isn’t. Victor knows that when he’s angry he needs to just drop it and walk away and I’m sure that’s exactly what he did here. The only information we don’t see them discuss, and which is told us a moment later, is that they will make their own decisions on how to deal with this whole situation after the free skate.

And this leads us into exactly that.

Something that the series isn’t always great at is showing us the flow of time within the space of the competitions themselves. There was a bit that confused me initially because I assumed that the SP and FS were on 2 back to back days. Turns out, they’re actually not. These lines:

This implies that there is at least 1 day after the SP in which Yuuri was not there for practice and that the day of the FS is some time after that day. If we look at normal event scheduling for the Grand Prix Final and other such competitions, this would mean that the Men’s Short Programs most likely fell on the Thursday and the Men’s Free Skate on the Saturday.

This then gives us 2 options. Either the hotel scene we see at the start of the episode took place the night of the SP or the night before the FS. Let’s take a quick look at what both options could mean for these two.

The first interpretation is that Yuuri told Victor he was going to retire the night before the FS. If we make a couple of assumptions (that Yuuri felt terrible after his SP, that it took him a while to work himself up to telling Victor that he was retiring, and that Victor might have been able to better emotionally regulate himself if given more than 1 night to process all the information that was thrown at him) then we can see how it could make sense that there was a day of blank space before Yuuri dropped the bomb on Victor.

In this space, Yuuri may have been mentally tearing himself apart. He doesn’t want to hurt Victor but he knows he needs to tell him his plans. As much as he thinks that he’s going to be letting Victor get what he ‘actually wants’, he still knows the news is going to hurt him. In this case the missed practice day would be explained by Yuuri being in a miserable mental place (though I find it hard to believe that Victor would allow that excuse to fly and not push Yuuri to attend the practice anyway). This option is the one which is more painful for Yuuri because he would have spent that entire day caught up in his own mind and emotions.

The second interpretation is that Yuuri told Victor the night after the Short Programs. Evidence to support this is that, on his Instagram, Yuuri sees Minako and Mari celebrating at the bar with Celestino. Would they celebrate after a day when none of the Men they’re cheering for/coaching had competed? It’s possible but it’s more likely that they were celebrating the SPs.

In this case, Yuuri wouldn’t have been in the best head space because, as we saw in episode 11, he felt he had failed at his SP due to, among other things, missing out on the +3.0 GOE quad Flip he had previously promised Victor (and thus felt that he failed Victor as well as himself). Having dropped the news at this point also gives a good explanation for the missed practice day because neither of them would have been in a place to be in the public eye. With this option, it also means that Victor would have had an entire day to process the information. Given how he looks the next time we see him, with bags under his eyes and an absolutely miserable expression on his face, I’m not entirely sure this ended up being for the best.

In the end, the most important part of that whole spiel was that either one or both of them spent that skipped practice day in some kind of mental anguish; either Yuuri was contemplating how to break it to Victor or both of them were thinking about Yuuri’s retirement and all it would mean for them both personally and as a couple. Victor in both cases also wouldn’t have had any more than 36 hours or so to process all the information so it’s no wonder he looks so depressed here.

Bringing us to the pep talk before the free skate, I’d like to bring your attention to a couple things. This may sound odd given how happy and content he looks at the end of the episode but hear me out: I believe that Victor is thrown back into a state of grieving by the emotional upheaval that Yuuri’s announcement caused. Grieving spawns from the feeling that something you had has been lost and Acceptance comes at the end of the grieving process where you accept what you do have. In this case, Victor had accepted that he could have a life that didn’t involve him skating but did make him happy. The prospect of Yuuri’s retirement then caused Victor to feel as if he was about to lose the life that he had finally accepted he could be happy with.

The grief process that Victor goes through within this episode actually falls into the last type of loss that we have yet to cover: Situational Loss. Victor didn’t expect for the happiness (the life and love) he achieved to be ripped away from him in the way it was. It wasn’t anticipated and it wasn’t developmental. It was completely unexpected and the violent language I’ve used to describe it in this analysis has been to hopefully allow everyone to get a feeling for how Victor may have felt during these moments.

Instead of doing a breakdown of the stages like I did in the previous 2 posts, I’ll just be touching on the reactions when we get there (because I swear this isn’t a Victor meta… Yuuri, I promise you haven’t been forgotten!). I just needed to make sure everyone was aware of this perspective before we delve in any deeper.

Firstly, let’s take a look at the chat before Yuuri takes to the ice to skate. We actually get an interesting emotional parallel to the episode 10 beach scene with Yurio. Something is said that hits the topic of Victor’s grief on the head and he understandably reacts emotionally. In this case, it’s this line:

Yuuri is reminding Victor of what he is currently grieving over. This time it’s Yuuri’s imminent retirement. Victor has a reaction that is very reminiscent of earlier in the series – he brings out the salt. What really brings this anger to light, however, is when we look at the expression he pairs with the words. 

This isn’t just a pep talk. This is Victor being Victor, just as Yuuri asked him to, and not just putting on his coach face.

But it’s gone as quick as it arrived and we see a more vulnerable face from him. I feel like you can read a lot into this next expression. You can see the lines of exhaustion on his face but also the love in his eyes. I feel like this expression is a great way to sum up his current mental state.

Even though the words he’s saying are teasing, his expression is very open. And Yuuri reciprocates in the same open way. I firmly believe this is why this exact frame pulls the viewers in. There is just so much raw emotion passing between the two even though no more words are spoken.

Something really important to note is what Yuuri says right as he goes off to skate. 

“I’ve already made up my mind about my goal.” This implies that he’s already decided what he plans to do before he goes out to skate. We could even go so far as to say that he made up his mind even before the pep talk. But what it comes down to is that there was most likely little change between when he told Victor he was retiring and performing this free skate – he is still planning to retire after the GPF and he wants to convince Victor to let him go and return to the ice.

(Music rec: Yuri on Ice, Yuuri’s FS)

Let’s hop over to Yuuri now to delve into his skate and everything he’s saying with it. He starts off by thanking Victor for bringing him all the way to this GPF. We get to see the same clips as in episode 1 however I’d like to bring to special attention the exact moment it cuts back to the present.

Yuuri brings to attention the notion of time. He was always chasing Victor’s shadow until the man himself figuratively took his hand and pulled him onto the ice with him to skate at his side (or, better said, at his level). If we check out this shot we can see that that is literally what it seems he is trying to do: take his hand and pull him onto the ice back in the present of the GPF he has worked so hard, alongside Victor, to get to. Yuuri then thanks Victor for it all. 

This again brings us back to where Yuuri is mentally. He is still convinced that this is the last performance he will ever skate in competition. Even after all that has been said and shared between the two of them, he is still set on retiring after this. He still thinks that what Victor wants the most is to go back to the ice. We see it highlighted even more a moment later during what is probably one of the most emotional moments between the two of them even though Victor doesn’t say a word. 

First off, we actually get something really big. Yuuri admits, even if it’s only in his head, that he doesn’t want to stop skating. He doesn’t want to retire. Same as I mentioned earlier that Victor wanted to put their entire situation in stasis and stay like that forever, Yuuri does too. And even though their communication off the ice is pretty terrible, their communication via their skating is a whole other matter. You can almost assume that most of the things people are thinking as they skate get through to their intended recipient(s). In this case, Yuuri’s desires get through to Victor. But he’s not done yet. 

He gets to the crux of the entire issue. He feels that Victor coaching him is killing him as a competitive skater. And honestly, he’s right. There’s almost no way that Victor could dedicate himself fully to his own career while at the same time worrying about Yuuri’s in the way he has been. He’s the kind of guy to throw himself fully into whatever he’s doing and thus trying to dedicate himself to more than 1 large endeavour, such as having a full skating career and coaching another person’s full skating career at the same time, would most likely be more than he as a mortal human being can handle. And this is why Yuuri wants to let him go. But we’ll come back to this at the end.

This actually manages to be both the most selfless and selfish moment in the entire series. It all depends on the perspective you look at it from.

From Yuuri’s perspective, he’s making the selfless decision to let Victor go back to what Yuuri feels Victor wants to do. He sees it as setting free a bird he’s trapped in a cage and allowing it to fly free again. As sacrificing his own desires to be with Victor as a coach/skater for the sake of allowing Victor to do what he ‘truly wants to do’.

On the flip side, Victor sees this as Yuuri’s selfish decision to push him back to the ice when he no longer wants to be there. And for what? For the sake of seeing his idol skate again? Yuuri isn’t even willing to skate with him, he just wants to watch. Using the same analogy, it’s like forcing the bird out of the cage that it was completely happy in for the sake of watching it fly around because you think watching it fly is beautiful. That sounds really harsh but you can see why even contemplating that thought process made Victor upset enough to cry at the start of the episode.

In this section of the skate, Yuuri is trying to relay his side of the message. He’s trying to tell Victor that his decision was borne out of love and not just because he wants to watch him skate. He wants Victor to see that he has the freedom to want to return to skating. That he doesn’t have to hold himself back for Yuuri’s sake, not just in actually doing things but in desiring to do them as well. That he has achieved what he set out to do. This is truly the moment when we can see that Yuuri has let Victor go.

To top it off, he makes sure Victor knows that the message was for him – which we can see he clearly understands.

Next up we have a portion that while outwardly might seem entirely happy, is actually very much a complicated mixture of emotions.

The end of Yuuri’s performance and his moving off the ice gets skimmed over very quickly but I honestly feel that, due to this transition, it actually gets the emotions that are within Yuuri’s words across perfectly. The more we wish to stay in a moment, the faster that moment seems to have passed once it’s over. This goes doubly so for this particular one as both Yuuri and Victor are feeling the exact same thing. Neither wants to see Yuuri retire. Neither wants this to be Yuuri’s final skate or for this to be the final time Victor can welcome Yuuri back off the ice after a performance. However, just as quickly as it feels like the moment ends for them, the moment ends for us as well and we’re seeing them sitting over at the kiss & cry hearing the announcement of Yuuri’s scores.

I’d like to do a quick check in with Victor right after the scores are announced. We see a side shot of Victor’s profile that actually looks quite familiar when you think on it.

That’s right, it’s the same expression we saw him wearing in episode 11 as he watched Yurio’s world recording breaking SP score come in.

Now obviously these are not the same situations. During Victor’s analysis, I described the expression in episode 11 as a look of “nostalgia, pain, and sadness”. While I don’t feel that the exact same words could be used to describe the look in episode 12, the concept of it being a look spawned from Victor’s Depression and Pain stage of grief can. That, along with this being a moment immediately before Victor makes a life-changing decision within himself, are what these two paralleled expressions have in common.

You might be asking, “What life-changing decision did he make in this moment?” Of course, it’s regarding his career. In this case it’s his decision to go back to the ice. But it’s not as simple as that. This is easily one of the most complicated decisions to take apart in the entire series.

On an initial watch-through, you might get the impression that watching Yuuri had lit a flame in Victor and that it was just that Yuuri’s message from the skate got through. And while a portion of that is true, I find it really hard to see this expression as dominated by the light of a competitive flame.

That isn’t to say it isn’t there. It just isn’t his primary reason to making the decision he does. I’ve been going on for a while about why he made the decision but let’s take a more in-depth look on the moment itself. I believe that Victor employs a conversation strategy that he tends to use every so often when he’s unsure about something and wants someone else’s opinion (and doesn’t want to just ask directly). He makes a comment to test the waters and then makes a decision based on the reaction (or lack thereof) he gets.

In this case, it’s the comment regarding how he feels as a coach and a competitor about how the two Yuris broke two of his world records. He’s gauging Yuuri’s reaction to his words and basically letting Yuuri make the call. Keeping in mind that his comment involved both the option for the present (coach) and the past (competitor), it’s up to Yuuri which side he chooses (for the future). Now obviously it’s more complicated than that but I believe that Yuuri’s face and words here are what ultimately make up Victor’s mind.

In regards to Victor’s grief, I believe that at this point he still holds that dream of coaching Yuuri while Yuuri’s the one on the ice. He still, in his heart of hearts, wants to put the skating behind him and move on with his life. Just because he has found new life and love through Yuuri does not cancel out the sheer amount of stress that being a competitive skater was and is for him. He thought he could finally get away from that… but now he guesses it’s just not time yet. He can see the happiness beaming from Yuuri’s every pore at the prospect of Victor going back to skating competitively and it makes the decision for him. 

I have a hard time reading anything more than pure love but also a touch of sadness in his ridiculously tender expression here. It’s not sadness at the decision that Yuuri’s made, but sadness at feeling like the dream that he thought was within reach is slipping away from him. But if he can make Yuuri this happy, this overjoyed, then he thinks the sacrifice is worth it. The moment Yuuri smiles and asks if that means he’ll be coming back, Victor doesn’t respond with anything but this look. That smile was what made up his mind because in the end that is how he wants to show Yuuri his love.

A final comment about Yuuri’s choice in this moment to say what he did; I’d just like to say that I don’t really see it as so much of a “choice” as just excitement. The fact that he responds so quickly says a lot. There has always been a part of him, a surprisingly large part of him, that has wanted to compete with Victor. I don’t think in this moment that he’s thinking anything particularly deep, he’s just excited that maybe, just maybe, he’ll finally be able to achieve that long held dream that he’s always hoped for even a chance at.

(Music rec: Symphony No. 9, YOI mix, Otabek’s FS)

Moving on to the moment when Victor runs to find Yakov and tell him the news, I can see very clearly a few things Victor does conversation-wise. He makes the announcement that he’s coming back to competitive skating and will be participating in Russian Nationals. But you can both see and feel the pain in his voice when Yurio asks whether Yuuri will be retiring. Victor says nothing more than he’s aware of currently, that Yuuri will have to make that decision himself, but it sounds like he’s had to steel himself to get the words out. There’s such obvious pain at the prospect that I can’t help feeling that it ties back into the grief he’s still experiencing. And then he seeks out physical touch both as a way to say good luck to Yurio as well as a grounding method for himself emotionally.

You can see it in the way that he hugs him and then squeezes him even closer. This is almost universal in body language for “I need comfort now”. Body language in itself is something that most people grow up to understand on an instinctual level (an example of body language that everyone all over the globe understands, regardless of culture or upbringing, is smiling). Victor is saying a lot of things with this hug (amongst which is certainly “good luck”) but what really stands out to me is his plea for help. I say “plea for help” but it’s not as direct as that word choice makes it sound. Let me explain.

Over the years, Victor has learned to put up a strong front when he’s unhappy. Specifically, he smiles to cover his pain. Nothing else in the entire series proves it so well as this exact moment because there’s absolutely no way that Yuuri’s impending retirement would make Victor happy.

The concept of body language being such a universal language can also be applied to Yurio. As gruff as he can be, there’s no way he misunderstood what Victor was saying here even if he didn’t respond with words or even by returning the hug.

Where I’m going with all this is that this hug means many things. Victor is wishing Yurio good luck but that’s not the only thing. The message definitely gets through even if Victor wasn’t thinking anything as specific as “go skate to keep Yuuri on the ice”. So Victor wasn’t “hugging Yurio to tell him to stop Yuuri from retiring”. No, he was just looking for comfort and those emotions were understood and interpreted by Yurio on the instinctual level that most everyone understands body language. That understanding that Victor is in pain because Yuuri will be retiring then combined together with Yurio’s pre-existing feelings about the situation (wanting to skate against Yuuri as a rival and see how far Yuuri can go) to fuel his performance.

Something interesting to note is that throughout Yurio’s entire FS, Victor and Yuuri aren’t together. Victor could have easily gone to find Yuuri but he let him have his space (and took his own) to allow Yuuri to make his own decision.

Jumping back to Yuuri, there’s a battle going on in his mind. There are so many things he wants but he’s also trying to hold himself back as perhaps a way to keep himself in moderation and/or not hold others (aka Victor) back from what they want. He wants to compete against Victor. He’s always wanted to skate on the same ice as him as fellow competitors and not the dynamic of coach and skater that they currently have. He wants to continue skating because he’s finally, finally, found his love of skating. He’s found what he was talking about at the beginning of the series: a reason to skate for himself. Ironically that reason is still Victor, just in a different form.

Last time we heard from Yuuri was during his FS where he expressed his desire to not get off the ice as that would mean the end is finally there. In contrast to his excitement at the prospect of Victor returning to the ice, he gets a moment alone (when Victor runs off to talk to Yakov/Yurio) where you can see the reality of the situation starts to sink in. He looks quite unhappy seeing the Makkachin tissue box and water bottle sitting there alone with no Victor. He definitely realizes in this moment what skating without Victor would be like – and by extension a life without Victor as he would be back in Russia training and skating alone.  This mental state lends itself perfectly to watching Yurio’s skate.

The point that finally makes up his mind is when he sees Yurio skate. Yuuri has been so hyper-focused on Victor that he had stopped looking outside of the two of them. Everything has become about what he wants, what Victor wants, and about how to balance the two (which always ended in Yuuri trying to sacrifice his own wants for Victor’s).

But Yurio’s skate serves as a wake-up call. There are other skaters, other people, outside of you and Victor (think back to Victor’s line in episode 11 of how Yuuri gave life and love to others outside of Victor himself)! If you come back to skate, there are other people whose wants and desires you’ll be coinciding – others such as Yurio. No other skater up until this point has so clearly said “I don’t want you to retire because that’s what I want” than in this moment. Victor has tried to say it but he is a special case to Yuuri, someone who is too close to the issue for him to be able to take the sentiment in objectively. Sometimes you just need that extra push, and that’s what Yurio provides.

And as the cherry on top, Yurio snatches away the final goal that Yuuri had been hoping to achieve for probably longer than even he realizes: the Grand Prix Final Gold medal. Yuuri now still has things left he wants to do and Yurio makes sure that if he retires now that he’ll be retiring with a bitter aftertaste in his mouth and the words “it’s not over yet” in his mind. We can also see the moment when Yuuri makes up his mind, and it’s actually before the medal ceremony (the medals just serve to cement his choice).

(Music rec: Stammi Vicino - Duetto version)

So let’s check in with both Yuuri and Victor to see where they’re at now as of the awards ceremony. Victor has made the choice to go back to skating. He’s planning to make his comeback at Russian Nationals (which is within the space of a couple of weeks). Yuuri has decided he also isn’t going to retire. He’s going to skate out the rest of the season and at least the one following it as well.

Let’s go through this moment chronologically.

Victor actually ping pongs in his reaction to Yuuri presenting him the silver. There’s a mix of love, salt, pride, even some flirting. Victor’s emotions are clearly all over the place. In the moments before Yuuri pushes him down and asks him to continue coaching him, Victor is still convinced that this is the end. That this is the last time he’ll get to welcome Yuuri off the ice. That he will need to say goodbye to Yuuri and return to Russia alone, back to his lonely skating career. His emotions are understandably a jumble. He can’t see any possible route in which Yuuri could stay with him while he goes back to skating alone.

I’d like to talk a bit about why Victor is thinking this when clearly Yuuri has a plan to suggest more. The reason comes down to a couple things, one of which I mentioned much earlier. First of all, it’s illegal in the ISU to both skate competitively and coach at the same time. You can only do either one or the other. Secondly, as I mentioned much further up, Victor is the type to put his all into everything he does. He doesn’t do anything half-assed. If he’s coaching then he’s going to be putting all his time and effort into that, and the same goes for his skating. There’s almost no way he would be able to do both even if they got around the rules about the coaching/skating (such as having Yakov be Yuuri’s official coach on paper) because the human body can only handle so much.

But then Yuuri drops another bomb on Victor (he’s pretty good at that now). He doesn’t plan to retire for at least another year and wants Victor to continue coaching him. He does still want Victor to skate with him; it is still one of his dreams. But he also wants to skate with Victor. Understandably Victor is overjoyed at the prospect because if he can still be with Yuuri, even if it’s not in the form he originally envisioned, then he can be okay with that.

Interestingly enough, this ends Victor’s mini-grief journey that both started and ended within the space of episode 12. Unlike the others, however, it has a much happier ending. It isn’t just him needing to process the change and then accepting his new reality. No, he won’t get the simple happy life as a coach to Yuuri as he initially envisioned. But he does get to keep coaching Yuuri, he doesn’t need to give up everything, as well as go back to skating, which he accepted earlier was another way to make Yuuri happy. At the end of the day, it’s like reaching a compromise. Yuuri wants Victor to skate, Victor wants Yuuri to skate. Yuuri wants Victor to coach him, and Victor wants to coach Yuuri. Even during times like these they meet each other half way.

I’d love to say it’s a win-win situation and an overall happy end with no consequences but we can’t forget how hard of a toll this is going to take on Victor. I really feel the need to stress how hard this is going to be for him. Coaching takes a lot out of him and skating even more so. If we get to see Nationals/4CC/Euros/Worlds in the upcoming movie then I predict that we’ll definitely be seeing some kind of crash in him because I simply don’t think his body is going to be able to hold up.

But I will end this analysis on a happy note because both Yuuri and Victor are happy. Physical limitations aside, what they really wanted at the end of the day was just to be together . And that’s absolutely what they got. I mean, just look at them.

All the grief, all the sacrifices, all the pain, and all the emotions, both good and bad, have led them to this point. It was definitely a long journey but I’m sure if you asked either of them, they’d definitely say that, in the end, every moment was worth it.

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Yes, another loss (And we are broken)

We’ve misplaced our baby.

I felt her kick for the first time on Wednesday night time around 1:00am once I couldn’t sleep. It had been a very tough day and feeling these first flutters of motion felt like slightly kiss from heaven. A number of hours later at 7:30am on Thursday morning I rushed off to a commonly scheduled exam at the start centre. They couldn’t find a heartbeat and a number of other rounds of ultrasounds confirmed she had handed away. It all occurred so fast and, honestly, I didn’t consider them at first. Did they not hear me? I felt her alive a couple of hours ago. I’m positive of it. Didn’t they hear me?

Final weekend for the primary time I bought a couple of maternity gadgets and a few baby woman clothes. All was progressing because it should and I assumed a (late) Mom’s Day purchasing journey was in order. With delight we had begun to let the truth sink in that we have been truly going to have a daughter that comes to full time period as we finish creating our household. (Yes, our scans a month ago showed the child was a woman, although we hadn’t shared that publicly but.) I feel like it’s all I’ve needed my entire life and this was my last probability. We felt so complete. So grateful. And not that it should matter, but this wasn’t a “surprise” child. This was a baby we longed for and prayed for and tried for over many long, tearful months of waiting and hoping and wondering if I used to be “too old” for the present of 1 final youngster. In fact we know an excessive amount of to imagine any stage of pregnancy is “safe,” but at almost half method by way of the being pregnant we had a deep sense of perception that this child would reside and thrive, and the whole lot up to now had confirmed that right.

So we’re surprised. Like—certainly this is all a mistake. Nevertheless it’s not. It’s actual and our child is lifeless. There’s no plainer or truer strategy to say it.

We’re taking the weekend to attempt to rest and I’ll be admitted next week to have an induction and hospital labor and supply—the best choice for this stage of being pregnant. The considered laboring a lifeless baby repulses me however it’s what it’s. I don’t anticipate I’ll need to speak about it any time soon, which is why I’m sharing all of this now. (Then again nobody actually knows what they’ll need in grief until they need it.) We feel like we want so much proper now, but don’t know what or how one can ask for it.

These previous couple of years have been brutal and we’ve grown battle weary. There’s not a big milestone in our lives in six years that wasn’t also marked with some kind of pain or struggling or deep sense of problem.

In the previous few months alone we’ve had our roof collapse, main hail injury on our automotive which has diminished its value and made it unsellable just before we have been going to trade it in for a larger one, then went hundreds of dollars into debt to repair the mechanics of that same automotive after it mysteriously had a string of unrelated things going fallacious with it out of the blue (our mechanic has warned us that we ought to be prepared for it to die past repair any day), we lost major financial help, had individuals reap the benefits of our generosity which sent us into more personal debt, had several others backflip on an array of various ministry-related commitments that they had made, had main appliances and costly electronics we depend upon for work all of the sudden breaking, and lots of other smaller (however nonetheless troublesome) things. These events in isolation are just a normal part of “life happens,” but once they are piled on prime of each other for months on end (and years on finish), you start to marvel for those who could be going crazy. Or if that is the worth we’re required to pay to proceed in vocational ministry. (Our first miscarriage occurred two days after deciding we would pioneer a brand new YWAM ministry in Sydney, and every single one since has correlated with a serious ministry determination we’ve made inside days of creating it.)

If it feels like we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, that’s right. We are. We’re uninterested in life being exhausting and we’re means beyond faking wonderful. We’ve acquired no time for platitudes and “God’s ways are higher than our ways” and “God is in control” one liners so please don’t throw any out-of-context Christian cliches at us, nevertheless nicely which means they is perhaps. As a lot as we can we’ve been placing one foot in entrance of the other, selecting to trust God, selecting to not be overcome. We’ve carried out this for years. But for a way lengthy? When do we get to wave the white flag? (Jesus, are you sleeping?)

By means of these notably troublesome months that appeared to return to a head early this yr, our baby has been the shining pleasure in the midst of our personal hardship and ministry pressures and financial-related stress. With getting pregnant and then having a miraculous inflow of employees be a part of the ministry we felt like issues have been perhaps turning a corner. And now this. Dropping this child seems like an excessive amount of. Can you break extra whenever you’re already damaged?

I’m not telling you all of this to make you are feeling sorry for us or to elicit pity (we have enough of our personal already), however simply to say that life might be so rattling exhausting typically (we’ve all been there—you too, little question). And it’s in these occasions things typically really feel like they hold getting worse. Not higher. So how do we cope when we’re walking round with already-tender hearts? What then once they appear on the verge of breaking utterly? Is this a desperate cry for assist? In fact it is. And but we’re not even positive of the precise help we need. The grief makes issues feel messier and louder and extra urgent than they could truly be. We know that.

Clearly we’re left surprised and completely heartbroken by dropping this baby. This really is the primary factor. The injustice of premature dying is so confronting. We’ve already been giving every part we should hold our heads above the surface and proceed to search for God’s goodness and apply gratitude for the various, many things going “right” in our lives. But we’re additionally tired. Uninterested in preventing and uninterested in what seems like dropping.

You could assume writing Grace Like Scarlett has made us “experts” in coping with grief. And in some ways, positive, we are nicely outfitted with a few of the instruments we need and to a point we have discovered how one can grasp on to hope when life feels hopeless. (That is the grace of God at work in ways unseen but by some means felt, enabling this miracle.) And sure, we sense the freedom we have to feel how we really feel and walk straight into our grief as greatest we understand how. However we definitely aren’t “experts.” Expertise or knowledge softens nothing. Pain is pain and grief is grief. It just hurts. If something we’re surrounded even more by the heartache of it all since messages land in my inbox every day from families looking for help or a listening ear after their very own loss and heartbreak. Some days it seems like our entire world revolves around ache—ours and others. We might have never seen this coming.

For many who know us personally, you understand that we’re additionally within the crucial period of making an attempt to recruit students to our first discipleship coaching faculty (DTS) starting in September at YWAM Sydney Newtown. The burden of communications and advertising to get college students is mine and now this. How can I hold doing my job? I’m alleged to be organizing a talking tour for a couple of weeks July and August to share the message of Grace Like Scarlett and help supply hope to people who are hurting, but how can I proceed once I’ve received so little left to offer? Perhaps this all seems unrelated however I assure you it’s not. Our lives are entire, built-in, complicated—simply as yours. So is that this another instance of the enemy of our soul using every means potential to derail what God has spoken? As a result of the one thing that appears constant in our lives just lately is that each time we step out in obedience to what we consider God has proven us we get hit. The timing is uncanny and in addition very complicated. It’s maddening.

Being blindsided once more with loss looks like an assault on so many levels: private and ministry and religious. Properly needs are high-quality, however the actuality is we want miracles on so many fronts—miracles that sustain. The miracle of grace to endure suffering is a method we sustain and I’m grateful for it. The miracle of God’s presence even whereas we’re at our lowest is another approach we sustain and we’re grateful for that too. But we also need the miracle of actual breakthrough—breakthrough that lasts and is not aborted before it absolutely takes root.

As you pray for our household, please hold all of this in mind. We merely don’t really feel able to carrying all that we’re surrounded by and we need God’s grace and the help of his Church and our group to help us as we navigate. Our employees members arrive principally in August. Our dearest associates are miles away. And we can’t put our lives or work on maintain until things are simpler, because what in the event that they by no means are?

In the event you’ve read this far, thank you for not staying away from our ache. I’ll doubtless submit this in all of the places, turn autoresponder on for my emails, after which back away for a short while to nurse my big vulnerability hangover and marvel why I shared so much so broadly. But here’s the thing: if we can’t be trustworthy about our ache, how can we be trustworthy about our hope? If we can’t be trustworthy about our despair, how can we be trustworthy about our joy? The human heart is a paradox, we intrinsically know that. I recognize your understanding if I don’t respond a lot right now. I gained’t converse for Ryan, but though I’m sometimes the one with all of the words, I will say that he’s in immense ache too. He’s articulated it properly to me and I’m grateful these final a number of years have at the least taught us how you can use language to call our heartache. We’re on this collectively and all of our burdens (and joys) are shared. We’re devastated and hanging on to hope by a thread.

Lastly, I need to close with some thoughts about how God enters into our struggling. I spent years forming a ebook round this very factor and I nonetheless consider it to be true:

Our humanity is the very factor that retains us tethered to God. It’s our humanity—our lack, our pain, our weak spot, our recognition that the world incorporates injustice and tragedy and struggling, our want for a Rescuer, our longing for Eden and the restoration of all issues—that helps us to see our need for the Divine. In the present day, we can see that need so clearly. With all that’s gone improper, this potential to “see” is both a gift and an invitation. And that, my associates, is nothing however the grace of God that never quits loving and pursuing and increasing into our lives even at the hours of darkness when we wrestle and squint to see it. As I’ve written in Grace Like Scarlett, “The spectacle of heaven is that it’s birthed into low places… He never stops creating life out of dust.”

I still consider it, even when I can’t yet see it.

Or, maybe more precisely: I consider, Lord. Assist me in my unbelief.

The post Yes, another loss (And we are broken) appeared first on Techno Crats Blog.

[wavyunicornrider]

Yes, another loss (And we are broken)

We’ve misplaced our baby.

I felt her kick for the first time on Wednesday night time around 1:00am once I couldn’t sleep. It had been a very tough day and feeling these first flutters of motion felt like slightly kiss from heaven. A number of hours later at 7:30am on Thursday morning I rushed off to a commonly scheduled exam at the start centre. They couldn’t find a heartbeat and a number of other rounds of ultrasounds confirmed she had handed away. It all occurred so fast and, honestly, I didn’t consider them at first. Did they not hear me? I felt her alive a couple of hours ago. I’m positive of it. Didn’t they hear me?

Final weekend for the primary time I bought a couple of maternity gadgets and a few baby woman clothes. All was progressing because it should and I assumed a (late) Mom’s Day purchasing journey was in order. With delight we had begun to let the truth sink in that we have been truly going to have a daughter that comes to full time period as we finish creating our household. (Yes, our scans a month ago showed the child was a woman, although we hadn’t shared that publicly but.) I feel like it’s all I’ve needed my entire life and this was my last probability. We felt so complete. So grateful. And not that it should matter, but this wasn’t a “surprise” child. This was a baby we longed for and prayed for and tried for over many long, tearful months of waiting and hoping and wondering if I used to be “too old” for the present of 1 final youngster. In fact we know an excessive amount of to imagine any stage of pregnancy is “safe,” but at almost half method by way of the being pregnant we had a deep sense of perception that this child would reside and thrive, and the whole lot up to now had confirmed that right.

So we’re surprised. Like—certainly this is all a mistake. Nevertheless it’s not. It’s actual and our child is lifeless. There’s no plainer or truer strategy to say it.

We’re taking the weekend to attempt to rest and I’ll be admitted next week to have an induction and hospital labor and supply—the best choice for this stage of being pregnant. The considered laboring a lifeless baby repulses me however it’s what it’s. I don’t anticipate I’ll need to speak about it any time soon, which is why I’m sharing all of this now. (Then again nobody actually knows what they’ll need in grief until they need it.) We feel like we want so much proper now, but don’t know what or how one can ask for it.

These previous couple of years have been brutal and we’ve grown battle weary. There’s not a big milestone in our lives in six years that wasn’t also marked with some kind of pain or struggling or deep sense of problem.

In the previous few months alone we’ve had our roof collapse, main hail injury on our automotive which has diminished its value and made it unsellable just before we have been going to trade it in for a larger one, then went hundreds of dollars into debt to repair the mechanics of that same automotive after it mysteriously had a string of unrelated things going fallacious with it out of the blue (our mechanic has warned us that we ought to be prepared for it to die past repair any day), we lost major financial help, had individuals reap the benefits of our generosity which sent us into more personal debt, had several others backflip on an array of various ministry-related commitments that they had made, had main appliances and costly electronics we depend upon for work all of the sudden breaking, and lots of other smaller (however nonetheless troublesome) things. These events in isolation are just a normal part of “life happens,” but once they are piled on prime of each other for months on end (and years on finish), you start to marvel for those who could be going crazy. Or if that is the worth we’re required to pay to proceed in vocational ministry. (Our first miscarriage occurred two days after deciding we would pioneer a brand new YWAM ministry in Sydney, and every single one since has correlated with a serious ministry determination we’ve made inside days of creating it.)

If it feels like we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, that’s right. We are. We’re uninterested in life being exhausting and we’re means beyond faking wonderful. We’ve acquired no time for platitudes and “God’s ways are higher than our ways” and “God is in control” one liners so please don’t throw any out-of-context Christian cliches at us, nevertheless nicely which means they is perhaps. As a lot as we can we’ve been placing one foot in entrance of the other, selecting to trust God, selecting to not be overcome. We’ve carried out this for years. But for a way lengthy? When do we get to wave the white flag? (Jesus, are you sleeping?)

By means of these notably troublesome months that appeared to return to a head early this yr, our baby has been the shining pleasure in the midst of our personal hardship and ministry pressures and financial-related stress. With getting pregnant and then having a miraculous inflow of employees be a part of the ministry we felt like issues have been perhaps turning a corner. And now this. Dropping this child seems like an excessive amount of. Can you break extra whenever you’re already damaged?

I’m not telling you all of this to make you are feeling sorry for us or to elicit pity (we have enough of our personal already), however simply to say that life might be so rattling exhausting typically (we’ve all been there—you too, little question). And it’s in these occasions things typically really feel like they hold getting worse. Not higher. So how do we cope when we’re walking round with already-tender hearts? What then once they appear on the verge of breaking utterly? Is this a desperate cry for assist? In fact it is. And but we’re not even positive of the precise help we need. The grief makes issues feel messier and louder and extra urgent than they could truly be. We know that.

Clearly we’re left surprised and completely heartbroken by dropping this baby. This really is the primary factor. The injustice of premature dying is so confronting. We’ve already been giving every part we should hold our heads above the surface and proceed to search for God’s goodness and apply gratitude for the various, many things going “right” in our lives. But we’re additionally tired. Uninterested in preventing and uninterested in what seems like dropping.

You could assume writing Grace Like Scarlett has made us “experts” in coping with grief. And in some ways, positive, we are nicely outfitted with a few of the instruments we need and to a point we have discovered how one can grasp on to hope when life feels hopeless. (That is the grace of God at work in ways unseen but by some means felt, enabling this miracle.) And sure, we sense the freedom we have to feel how we really feel and walk straight into our grief as greatest we understand how. However we definitely aren’t “experts.” Expertise or knowledge softens nothing. Pain is pain and grief is grief. It just hurts. If something we’re surrounded even more by the heartache of it all since messages land in my inbox every day from families looking for help or a listening ear after their very own loss and heartbreak. Some days it seems like our entire world revolves around ache—ours and others. We might have never seen this coming.

For many who know us personally, you understand that we’re additionally within the crucial period of making an attempt to recruit students to our first discipleship coaching faculty (DTS) starting in September at YWAM Sydney Newtown. The burden of communications and advertising to get college students is mine and now this. How can I hold doing my job? I’m alleged to be organizing a talking tour for a couple of weeks July and August to share the message of Grace Like Scarlett and help supply hope to people who are hurting, but how can I proceed once I’ve received so little left to offer? Perhaps this all seems unrelated however I assure you it’s not. Our lives are entire, built-in, complicated—simply as yours. So is that this another instance of the enemy of our soul using every means potential to derail what God has spoken? As a result of the one thing that appears constant in our lives just lately is that each time we step out in obedience to what we consider God has proven us we get hit. The timing is uncanny and in addition very complicated. It’s maddening.

Being blindsided once more with loss looks like an assault on so many levels: private and ministry and religious. Properly needs are high-quality, however the actuality is we want miracles on so many fronts—miracles that sustain. The miracle of grace to endure suffering is a method we sustain and I’m grateful for it. The miracle of God’s presence even whereas we’re at our lowest is another approach we sustain and we’re grateful for that too. But we also need the miracle of actual breakthrough—breakthrough that lasts and is not aborted before it absolutely takes root.

As you pray for our household, please hold all of this in mind. We merely don’t really feel able to carrying all that we’re surrounded by and we need God’s grace and the help of his Church and our group to help us as we navigate. Our employees members arrive principally in August. Our dearest associates are miles away. And we can’t put our lives or work on maintain until things are simpler, because what in the event that they by no means are?

In the event you’ve read this far, thank you for not staying away from our ache. I’ll doubtless submit this in all of the places, turn autoresponder on for my emails, after which back away for a short while to nurse my big vulnerability hangover and marvel why I shared so much so broadly. But here’s the thing: if we can’t be trustworthy about our ache, how can we be trustworthy about our hope? If we can’t be trustworthy about our despair, how can we be trustworthy about our joy? The human heart is a paradox, we intrinsically know that. I recognize your understanding if I don’t respond a lot right now. I gained’t converse for Ryan, but though I’m sometimes the one with all of the words, I will say that he’s in immense ache too. He’s articulated it properly to me and I’m grateful these final a number of years have at the least taught us how you can use language to call our heartache. We’re on this collectively and all of our burdens (and joys) are shared. We’re devastated and hanging on to hope by a thread.

Lastly, I need to close with some thoughts about how God enters into our struggling. I spent years forming a ebook round this very factor and I nonetheless consider it to be true:

Our humanity is the very factor that retains us tethered to God. It’s our humanity—our lack, our pain, our weak spot, our recognition that the world incorporates injustice and tragedy and struggling, our want for a Rescuer, our longing for Eden and the restoration of all issues—that helps us to see our need for the Divine. In the present day, we can see that need so clearly. With all that’s gone improper, this potential to “see” is both a gift and an invitation. And that, my associates, is nothing however the grace of God that never quits loving and pursuing and increasing into our lives even at the hours of darkness when we wrestle and squint to see it. As I’ve written in Grace Like Scarlett, “The spectacle of heaven is that it’s birthed into low places… He never stops creating life out of dust.”

I still consider it, even when I can’t yet see it.

Or, maybe more precisely: I consider, Lord. Assist me in my unbelief.

The post Yes, another loss (And we are broken) appeared first on Techno Crats Blog.

[raylovesrp-blog]

Yes, another loss (And we are broken)

We’ve misplaced our baby.

I felt her kick for the first time on Wednesday night time around 1:00am once I couldn’t sleep. It had been a very tough day and feeling these first flutters of motion felt like slightly kiss from heaven. A number of hours later at 7:30am on Thursday morning I rushed off to a commonly scheduled exam at the start centre. They couldn’t find a heartbeat and a number of other rounds of ultrasounds confirmed she had handed away. It all occurred so fast and, honestly, I didn’t consider them at first. Did they not hear me? I felt her alive a couple of hours ago. I’m positive of it. Didn’t they hear me?

Final weekend for the primary time I bought a couple of maternity gadgets and a few baby woman clothes. All was progressing because it should and I assumed a (late) Mom’s Day purchasing journey was in order. With delight we had begun to let the truth sink in that we have been truly going to have a daughter that comes to full time period as we finish creating our household. (Yes, our scans a month ago showed the child was a woman, although we hadn’t shared that publicly but.) I feel like it’s all I’ve needed my entire life and this was my last probability. We felt so complete. So grateful. And not that it should matter, but this wasn’t a “surprise” child. This was a baby we longed for and prayed for and tried for over many long, tearful months of waiting and hoping and wondering if I used to be “too old” for the present of 1 final youngster. In fact we know an excessive amount of to imagine any stage of pregnancy is “safe,” but at almost half method by way of the being pregnant we had a deep sense of perception that this child would reside and thrive, and the whole lot up to now had confirmed that right.

So we’re surprised. Like—certainly this is all a mistake. Nevertheless it’s not. It’s actual and our child is lifeless. There’s no plainer or truer strategy to say it.

We’re taking the weekend to attempt to rest and I’ll be admitted next week to have an induction and hospital labor and supply—the best choice for this stage of being pregnant. The considered laboring a lifeless baby repulses me however it’s what it’s. I don’t anticipate I’ll need to speak about it any time soon, which is why I’m sharing all of this now. (Then again nobody actually knows what they’ll need in grief until they need it.) We feel like we want so much proper now, but don’t know what or how one can ask for it.

These previous couple of years have been brutal and we’ve grown battle weary. There’s not a big milestone in our lives in six years that wasn’t also marked with some kind of pain or struggling or deep sense of problem.

In the previous few months alone we’ve had our roof collapse, main hail injury on our automotive which has diminished its value and made it unsellable just before we have been going to trade it in for a larger one, then went hundreds of dollars into debt to repair the mechanics of that same automotive after it mysteriously had a string of unrelated things going fallacious with it out of the blue (our mechanic has warned us that we ought to be prepared for it to die past repair any day), we lost major financial help, had individuals reap the benefits of our generosity which sent us into more personal debt, had several others backflip on an array of various ministry-related commitments that they had made, had main appliances and costly electronics we depend upon for work all of the sudden breaking, and lots of other smaller (however nonetheless troublesome) things. These events in isolation are just a normal part of “life happens,” but once they are piled on prime of each other for months on end (and years on finish), you start to marvel for those who could be going crazy. Or if that is the worth we’re required to pay to proceed in vocational ministry. (Our first miscarriage occurred two days after deciding we would pioneer a brand new YWAM ministry in Sydney, and every single one since has correlated with a serious ministry determination we’ve made inside days of creating it.)

If it feels like we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, that’s right. We are. We’re uninterested in life being exhausting and we’re means beyond faking wonderful. We’ve acquired no time for platitudes and “God’s ways are higher than our ways” and “God is in control” one liners so please don’t throw any out-of-context Christian cliches at us, nevertheless nicely which means they is perhaps. As a lot as we can we’ve been placing one foot in entrance of the other, selecting to trust God, selecting to not be overcome. We’ve carried out this for years. But for a way lengthy? When do we get to wave the white flag? (Jesus, are you sleeping?)

By means of these notably troublesome months that appeared to return to a head early this yr, our baby has been the shining pleasure in the midst of our personal hardship and ministry pressures and financial-related stress. With getting pregnant and then having a miraculous inflow of employees be a part of the ministry we felt like issues have been perhaps turning a corner. And now this. Dropping this child seems like an excessive amount of. Can you break extra whenever you’re already damaged?

I’m not telling you all of this to make you are feeling sorry for us or to elicit pity (we have enough of our personal already), however simply to say that life might be so rattling exhausting typically (we’ve all been there—you too, little question). And it’s in these occasions things typically really feel like they hold getting worse. Not higher. So how do we cope when we’re walking round with already-tender hearts? What then once they appear on the verge of breaking utterly? Is this a desperate cry for assist? In fact it is. And but we’re not even positive of the precise help we need. The grief makes issues feel messier and louder and extra urgent than they could truly be. We know that.

Clearly we’re left surprised and completely heartbroken by dropping this baby. This really is the primary factor. The injustice of premature dying is so confronting. We’ve already been giving every part we should hold our heads above the surface and proceed to search for God’s goodness and apply gratitude for the various, many things going “right” in our lives. But we’re additionally tired. Uninterested in preventing and uninterested in what seems like dropping.

You could assume writing Grace Like Scarlett has made us “experts” in coping with grief. And in some ways, positive, we are nicely outfitted with a few of the instruments we need and to a point we have discovered how one can grasp on to hope when life feels hopeless. (That is the grace of God at work in ways unseen but by some means felt, enabling this miracle.) And sure, we sense the freedom we have to feel how we really feel and walk straight into our grief as greatest we understand how. However we definitely aren’t “experts.” Expertise or knowledge softens nothing. Pain is pain and grief is grief. It just hurts. If something we’re surrounded even more by the heartache of it all since messages land in my inbox every day from families looking for help or a listening ear after their very own loss and heartbreak. Some days it seems like our entire world revolves around ache—ours and others. We might have never seen this coming.

For many who know us personally, you understand that we’re additionally within the crucial period of making an attempt to recruit students to our first discipleship coaching faculty (DTS) starting in September at YWAM Sydney Newtown. The burden of communications and advertising to get college students is mine and now this. How can I hold doing my job? I’m alleged to be organizing a talking tour for a couple of weeks July and August to share the message of Grace Like Scarlett and help supply hope to people who are hurting, but how can I proceed once I’ve received so little left to offer? Perhaps this all seems unrelated however I assure you it’s not. Our lives are entire, built-in, complicated—simply as yours. So is that this another instance of the enemy of our soul using every means potential to derail what God has spoken? As a result of the one thing that appears constant in our lives just lately is that each time we step out in obedience to what we consider God has proven us we get hit. The timing is uncanny and in addition very complicated. It’s maddening.

Being blindsided once more with loss looks like an assault on so many levels: private and ministry and religious. Properly needs are high-quality, however the actuality is we want miracles on so many fronts—miracles that sustain. The miracle of grace to endure suffering is a method we sustain and I’m grateful for it. The miracle of God’s presence even whereas we’re at our lowest is another approach we sustain and we’re grateful for that too. But we also need the miracle of actual breakthrough—breakthrough that lasts and is not aborted before it absolutely takes root.

As you pray for our household, please hold all of this in mind. We merely don’t really feel able to carrying all that we’re surrounded by and we need God’s grace and the help of his Church and our group to help us as we navigate. Our employees members arrive principally in August. Our dearest associates are miles away. And we can’t put our lives or work on maintain until things are simpler, because what in the event that they by no means are?

In the event you’ve read this far, thank you for not staying away from our ache. I’ll doubtless submit this in all of the places, turn autoresponder on for my emails, after which back away for a short while to nurse my big vulnerability hangover and marvel why I shared so much so broadly. But here’s the thing: if we can’t be trustworthy about our ache, how can we be trustworthy about our hope? If we can’t be trustworthy about our despair, how can we be trustworthy about our joy? The human heart is a paradox, we intrinsically know that. I recognize your understanding if I don’t respond a lot right now. I gained’t converse for Ryan, but though I’m sometimes the one with all of the words, I will say that he’s in immense ache too. He’s articulated it properly to me and I’m grateful these final a number of years have at the least taught us how you can use language to call our heartache. We’re on this collectively and all of our burdens (and joys) are shared. We’re devastated and hanging on to hope by a thread.

Lastly, I need to close with some thoughts about how God enters into our struggling. I spent years forming a ebook round this very factor and I nonetheless consider it to be true:

Our humanity is the very factor that retains us tethered to God. It’s our humanity—our lack, our pain, our weak spot, our recognition that the world incorporates injustice and tragedy and struggling, our want for a Rescuer, our longing for Eden and the restoration of all issues—that helps us to see our need for the Divine. In the present day, we can see that need so clearly. With all that’s gone improper, this potential to “see” is both a gift and an invitation. And that, my associates, is nothing however the grace of God that never quits loving and pursuing and increasing into our lives even at the hours of darkness when we wrestle and squint to see it. As I’ve written in Grace Like Scarlett, “The spectacle of heaven is that it’s birthed into low places… He never stops creating life out of dust.”

I still consider it, even when I can’t yet see it.

Or, maybe more precisely: I consider, Lord. Assist me in my unbelief.

The post Yes, another loss (And we are broken) appeared first on Techno Crats Blog.

[wozman23]

Roller Coasters and Car Wrecks: Both The Physical and The Emotional Kinds

I’ve recently taken a couple of trips to Six Flags, but those haven’t been the only roller coasters I’ve been on. And I’ve recently been part of or witnessed a few car wrecks. In every instance, these last few months have been absolutely absurd in the most beautifully nerve-racking of ways. For my own well being and sanity, I’ve needed to severely cut my time at Aldi for quite some time. Despite the fact that I’ll be losing about $1000 a month, I’ve now done that. I’m two weeks in to being a part timer. Yet I fear I pushed myself a bit too far for those eight months. The constant lack of sleep has seriously impaired me, yet I continued to push my limits despite countless signs. First off, many months ago, after a gym split shift that started at 5 AM and ended at I-don’t-even-remember-how-late PM, I backed into someone pulling out of a parking space in a Walmart parking lot. It was the most minor accident imaginable, but my insurance company didn’t give a damn. So when it came time to renew, they raised my rates, and I decided to stop carrying collision and comprehension on my 12 year old car. Then a few months back I destroyed two tires after falling asleep at the wheel. That was the most literal of wake up calls, and a $400 mistake. It was really the turning point that made me question how hard I was pushing myself. I’m still grateful that the situation wasn’t much worse. Then again, yesterday, while not paying enough attention while trying to maneuver my way out from a gas station and in to a turn lane through a few lanes of traffic stopped at a light, I took too narrow of a path when squeezing between vehicles and put a nasty scrape across my passenger side rear door and quarter panel when I brushed up against the bumper of a semi. On one hand I was pissed off! Why wasn’t I paying more attention?! It’s either something that’s gonna cost quite a chunk of change to fix, or it’s something that won’t be worth fixing and I’ll just have to stare at my mistake until it’s time for a new ride. On the other I was relieved that the semi driver didn’t care since the rigid metal bumper took pretty much zero damage, so all we did was shake hands and agree that we didn’t need to exchange insurance. So now my car, which looked alright when it moved to California, is in much worse shape these days. The right side alone has taken a rock to the windshield (hey, at least that one wasn’t my fault), some chipped paint on the rear bumper, and now a giant war wound. Like many cars on the road out here, it is beat up. I now joke that it’s my badge that I’m a true Angeleno. But, contrary to how it sounds, my life hasn’t completely been a series of car accidents. It’s had its ups as well. I’m fortunate that my gym job is a pleasure. I absolutely love it, my clients, and the vast majority of my coworkers. I couldn’t imagine a better, more fulfilling job. And just tonight I cemented a promotion by barely squeezing out the required amount of training sales dollars and supplement sales - largely in part thanks to my amazing clients and coworkers who pulled some favors for me to get close enough to those requirements, and me throwing a few hundred down on supplements knowing I will make my money back in the next three months.

But just as I lessened my role at Aldi, I’ve also lost some good clients. While my paychecks have been on the up-and-up, my overall net pay is in a state of flux right now. And if those sales numbers don’t maintain - which they’re trending not to - I take a demotion back to where I was after another three months. So I’m really uncertain on where that roller coaster is heading next. Couple that with the fact that I’m still clearly mentally and physically exhausted from both jobs and the continued effort of trying to make that relationship I was interested in work, I’ve been in a really weird headspace. That physical exhaustion also means that I’ve curtailed my workouts. I haven’t consistently run since my injury around six months ago, and my lifting has been the most inconsistent it’s been since I began this journey a few years ago. I don’t doubt that’s also influenced the uneasy feeling I’ve been having. Most days I’m still filled with chipper whimsy, but I’ve noticed my mood start to swing in less desirable directions. While it’s nowhere near as crippling as it once was, I’ve finally began to feel a normal, acceptable amount of anxiety about my future, which is to be expected from such chaos. I’m actually surprised it took this long. But that small level is actually nice to have again, because it lets me know I’ve crossed my limits. I wish it would have let me know months ago. Maybe then my car - which seems to be more and more representative of my battered psyche every day - wouldn’t have taken the brunt of the damage it has. Maybe this steam of consciousness would be more coherent, and maybe I’d have the energy to proof read it. Then the pinnacle! Tonight we were supposed to celebrate promotions at work by meeting for dinner. Reservations were made around a month ago, but it kept getting pushed back. Finally hitting my goals, I was invited hours before the event. So after putting in a full day at the gym striking out on getting that out of pocket cost of my supplements any lower- because I’m still not that great of a salesman - I picked up another $200 worth of amino acids, creatine, joint flex, and multivitamins, drove over to the place we were supposed to meet... and found out it had closed down a few weeks ago due to a fire. A backup plan hadn’t materialized yet, so being mentally and physically spent, I laughed it off and went home. And on the way home what should I find: a traffic jam. The cause: the same generation Corolla as mine with a crushed front end after rear ending someone on the 5 (see again I’m a true Angeleno because I don’t call the interstate I-5 anymore). I’ve had some pessimistic moments. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve been angry. I’ve been desperate. I’ve questioned whether or not moving here was the right choice. Yet, despite all of my turmoil and absurdity, there are constant reminders that things could always be worse. My place of employment didn’t burn down and while my car may be unsightly, it is still drive-able. Thanks to killing myself with two jobs, I’ve nearly replaced all the money in my savings that I blew through to get established. Overall, I remain predominately optimistic. My roller coaster has the potential to be heading up. I’ll be making around $4 more per hour when training clients, which equates to around $22/hr. I’m coaching an all-time high of 7 Gold’s Burn classes a week, which gets me $32/hr. I’m getting more full nights of sleep, which is the thing I need the most. I’ve got more free time. I’ll have most weekends off. I went for a run today with a client and her husband - the one who I resigned that put me literally $10 over my sales goal. (As a thank you I bought her some protein powder.) I’m hoping I can make those runs a semiweek(end)ly occurrence with a few clients/friends. I’ll have more time to catch up on video games, a month’s worth of Conan episodes that I haven’t watched, and a few other shows. And despite a few missed opportunities on previous invites, I might have finally talked Lisa into coming to Six Flags with me and our mutual friend on July 10th. And maybe we’ll hit the water park later next month. When I went to Six Flags last weekend, one roller coaster was shut down almost the entire day. But it reopened just before close. We hopped in line, got all the way to the front, literally waiting to be the next to hop on... And then a car got stuck on the climb... We waited while they tried to fix it,and watched as the next person-less test car got stuck again. Many people behind us left. But in the end we stayed, they got it up and running, and we got to ride arguable the best ride there.

That’s me: I push through shit, stubbornly. I’m determined. I’m always looking to move forward. When I want to hit a goal for a half marathon, I do so at the expense of my ligaments. When I hit a curb, I don’t put the car in reverse. I just run it over. When I start to hear my car door scraping against a semi, instead of stopping I just let it scrape the whole way. It’s not always the smartest decision - clearly. Had I stopped, fixing a single small blemish on the door would have been a relatively cheap repair. But in other, not-car-destroying related instances, it can be a benefit. Life is fucking weird, and that’s why it’s fun. It reminds me of a snippet from a song I fell in love with that I found not long ago, Incandenza by Waking Aida. I posted it before, but it bears repeating: “When you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises; when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape; when your boots will fill with rain, and you'll be up to your knees in disappointment. And those are the very days you have all the more reason to say thank you. Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's sent away. You will put the wind in winsome, lose some. You will put the star in starting over, and over. And no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute, be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life" - Sarah Kay

That poem eviscerates my soul for so many reasons. It exemplifies the last few years of my life perfectly. It reduces me to tears - happy tears. I honestly have no clue where this roller coaster is headed, but I’m enjoying the ride, the people I’m riding it with, and all its ups and downs. If you’ve made it this far into this post, or even just cared enough to skip to the bottom, thank you for being in my life. Thanks for the encouragement. Thanks for laughing with or at me. Thanks for inspiring me. I hope you see life through the same glasses I do. If I can give you but one thing, I hope it’s that childlike optimism.

[curiosity-killed]

real fuckin long joyful/incredulous rambling below feel free to ignore

i’ve talked about this before but w/e it’s under a read more for a reason

so when i was younger, one of my very favorite ballet teachers told my parents that i was like a puppy because I just flung myself into everything regardless of the risk and then, when i inevitably fell, i bounced back up and tried again

this is one of those things that probably wasn’t meant to stick with me for the entire rest of my life but nonetheless has

in ballet, i’ve always been best at jumps and particularly good at fast jumps. the key for me is that i know my body can do it, so i do. as dumb and simplistic as that sounds, that really is how it works for me. 

petit allegro fast enough that the rest of the class is tripping over themselves? let’s throw beats into it. grand allegro so slow that the rest of the class is groaning? let’s see how high i can go. the entrechat six too difficult? fuck that, i can nail that sucker.

and 99/100 times, i’ll be grinning while i do it.

running has always been similar for me. accidentally get on the 6-mile path instead of the 3-mile path when I’m an 11-year-old in my first race? eh i’ll just keep pace with these experienced runners till i pass them. coaches put me in a 400-meter race when our top sprinter gets injured? oh fuck i have no idea where the finish line is guess i’ll just keep going till they tell me to stop. 

and it works. by my senior year of high school, I was an 8-time state qualifying runner, a soloist in the top level of my ballet studio, the 2-time cross country MVP, and a 2-year soloist in the colorguard. 

but the key component of this puppy-like mentality is confidence in my body. i knew that, even if i hit the ground hard, i could stand back up. my body was strong and i believed in my capability to get back up and try again.

that confidence started dwindling once my knee problems developed. and it continued to disappear, bit by bit, as through the years I went from having occasional pain when running to having constant pain when running or dancing  to collapsing after a race to not being able to sleep because of the pain to crying in a doctor’s office after they told me yet again there was nothing they could do and that i would just have to suck it up and be in pain for the rest of my life.

i went from knowing that i could always stand back up to not being sure if i would ever heal if i fell again. you lose a lot of confidence when you’re scared that every jump or every run might be your last.

i was peripherally aware of this occurring. or rather, of something mentally hampering my enjoyment and success in dance and running. freshman year, i waffled between forcing myself through actions that i knew would cause pain to shying away from the slightest risk. sophomore year, i simply stopped doing as many of the things that hurt as possible.

as much as i wear the title of nerd and scoff at the value society places on sports, a huge part of my identity is physical. i am a runner and a dancer - and more than that, i’m a good runner and dancer. losing that is losing part of me.

and then, this summer, something amazing happened. first, of course, something shitty happened, which was the part where i bawled in a doctor’s office while he shrugged dispassionately and stated the ever-so-comforting, “Some people’s knees just hurt.” That doctor is an absolute ass and I would still like to punch him with a chair. in the face.

But something good did come of that, which was confirmation that there is nothing structurally wrong with my knee or hip. in fact, they’re in pretty much perfect condition - which is pretty damn weird for a distance runner and ballerina. 

The problem, it turned out, was functional. (the doctor wasn’t here for this part. after determining that i was not either a) a surgery candidate or b) an interesting enough case for a paper, he wasn’t interested) my kneecap and hip don’t quite move right, and my muscles are a bit tight. these are things that can be addressed. these are things that can be treated! (fuck you doctors of the past. fuck. you.)

and yeah, i’m basically going to have to do yoga/physical therapy every morning for the rest of my life. ideal? no. but this summer, for the first time in six years, i was pain-free. not just occasionally, not just when i slept through 10 hours of the day. almost every day. when i danced, when i hiked, when i sat on the couch. 

since returning to school, i walk up approximately 20-30 flights of stairs every day and walk 3-4 miles every day (not including running mileage). i dance twice a week and run at least once and throw in some other workout somewhere in there as well.

i don’t hurt.

i can run up the stairs.

i don’t wake up and want to cry because i hurt so much that movement seems impossible.

i about started crying this summer because - for the first time since the winter of my senior year - i could do standing bow with a straight leg and not be in pain for the rest of the day. 

and with this, suddenly, that confidence i once had, that sure knowledge that my body could do what i willed it to do, has returned.

i noticed it in ballet this summer. i took a 1.5 hr technique class en pointe and while my feet were bleeding by the end - I felt good. i was giddy. the joy had returned to dance. it had always been there, trying to slip through the fringes of the pain and anxiety and stress, but for the first time in years it was there in all its incandescent glory, a glowing warmth radiating through my chest and soul in exactly the way i remembered feeling three years ago when i stood, chest heaving, at the end of my solo and knew that my body had done what few people in the theatre could even fathom. my body was mine once more.

and now that i’ve returned to school, i’ve discovered that the same is true of running. i’ve been frustrated when i’ve run recently because dear god, body we don’t need to run at a 7:00 pace. inevitably, i’ve cut my runs short and headed home thinking that at least i ran hard if not for very long.

tonight, i said fuck it and kept running. i ran 4.05 miles at a 7:23 pace. 

that’s faster than i ran shakeouts in the peak of my varsity career in high school. and while i was winded when i pulled out of my kick, i could’ve kept going. my legs felt strong. i felt strong. and moreover, i felt like me.

it’s taken six years of doctors telling me to quit running, that i could never dance again, that i needed to pick up new hobbies, that there was nothing wrong with me, that it must not hurt that badly. and to each of them, i offer a very sincere, bottom-of-my-heart, could not be more genuine “Fuck you.” 

because my body is mine and it can do all the things i ask of it. it can climb and run and dance and jump and sit. i don’t have to hurt anymore. i don’t have to gauge whether an activity is worth the pain i know will come from it. i don’t have to measure out my life by how high my threshold is that day.

it’s mine again, and i have never felt so whole.

[baehkhun]

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[xbakugobakugobakugo]

muffy goes to hell

 i didn’t edit this and i wrote it on the high of no sleep. but still.

Buffy steps off the bus already regretting every single life choice she had ever made. Next to her, a fellow teammate checks her watch, which reads: 6:27 AM. After an hour bus ride, it’s still before sunrise. 

“Yo, Driscoll!” Marty shouts as he jumps off the bus. “Spikes?” Buffy tosses him her spike tightener, shivering in the crisp October air.

Somewhere nearby, someone lets out a scream as he discovers the forty foot hill that opens the course. Meanwhile, twenty Jefferson kids go about pitching a tent so they can shiver underneath a roof instead. Then they throw out snacks, which are banned unless throwing up on the forty foot hill is a desirable option. Buffy, who has already consumed a banana at exactly four hours before her allotted race time, shakes her head at the embarrassing runners who snack on stale uncrustables before the race. 

“Marty,” Buffy whispers, waiting to see if he hears her through his headphones. He doesn’t—he’s too busy thinking about the twenty or less minutes of death they’re all about to go through. Buffy decides to do the same; she visualizes sprinting at the beginning, feeling strong in the middle, and then feeling like she’s carrying Andi, Jonah, Cyrus, Marty, Libby, Amber, Reed, and TJ on her back as she wheezes to the finish line. 

Great. Can’t wait. 

Cross country is the only sport Cyrus refuses to show up and cheer for. Even Cyrus won’t show up with sunscreen, glittery signs, and moral support. Instead, Buffy’s mom comes out to one meet a month and Marty’s dad shivers in the car so he can drive him home. Andi wished her good luck the night before, with that awkward emoji face next to it, meaning—“you’re dumb for doing this sport, but good luck anyway!”

The morning slogs on, and Buffy drags Marty to the single bathroom which was last cleaned in 1985. They wait forty minutes, only to be retrieved by angry captains saying: sorry, it’s pre-run run time. Buffy tries her best not to throw something. 

At TJ’s basketball games, or Amber’s figure skate shows, or Cyrus’s musicals, Buffy can usually bring herself to smile. Enjoy the experience. But now, as she runs a mile before her actual race, in 40 degree weather, at 7:30 in the morning, she’s starting to feel like she’s smacking her head against a wall. Repeatedly.

“Stretch!” Marty calls out once they get back to the tent, which is being blown into the air. He smacks energy gum, which is probably, definitely some form of steroids but no one seems to care.

Buffy avoids ripping her muscles out by—reluctantly—stretching, and mostly just staring into space and seriously considering her life decisions. Marty, meanwhile, listens to screaming rap music (raccoon in da blender, obviously, along with heartbreak lake), and halfheartedly reaches for his toes. 

Finally, there’s only twenty minutes until the race, and they both put on uncomfortable shoes which have spikes sharper than the wing of Amber’s eyeliner if she tries hard enough. Marty laces her shoes, and Buffy laces his. They whisper a cross country blessing to each other: “bless our shoelaces, our timing chips, our jerseys, our nerves, and our results.” Then Marty writes the words “Plus Ultra” on her arm and she writes the words “Go the distance” on his. It’s an age old tradition with no explanation, but it’s the only way to prepare for what they are about to experience. 

At the starting line, in a mixed girls and boys race, Marty gives Buffy a quick hug, then proceeds to ignore her, because she’s competition. Buffy imagines Cyrus is there, counting down the seconds until the gun is fired. And when it goes off, and her mind goes blank, and her legs start to move, she clears all thoughts of friends out of her head. She sees nothing but green field, feels nothing but biting cold, thinks of nothing but the steps in front of her.

Of course, that works the first 100 meters, but by the second 100 meters she has Boomerang by JoJo Siwa in her head and is trying to resist surgically removing her own mind for blessing her with this song. And of course, the song syncs in line with her footsteps and breathing, so it doesn’t go away. The entire race.

Marty’s mind is completely blank because he’s too busy dying a slow death to put anything into his head. Except, somewhere in the second mile, he starts to think about anime, and it’s all over. The energy gum has given him enough energy to finish the race in less than eighteen minutes, but it’s also given him enough energy to play through every single episode of attack on titan in his head at full volume in the span of four hundred meters. And then to do it again. 

Somewhere in the second mile is also when Marty permanently passes Buffy, offering no acknowledgement. Buffy just keeps running, feet pounding and Boomerang raging. The finish line is nearing sight, except not really, and they still have a mile and a half left. Buffy accidentally-not-accidentally stabs someone with her spike, who may or may not have been Iris. Who knows? It’s common knowledge that no one is responsible for what goes down in a cross country race. It’s a sacred, untouched time. 

While Iris bleeds from a single spike-shaped hole in her leg. Marty’s feet nearly fall off because someone had the bright idea to fill one quarter of the course with cursed concrete. He considers, several times, untying his shoes and running the rest barefoot. He doesn’t, though, because surrendering one’s shoes is just like surrendering one’s weapon. He thinks about stale uncrustables and also the even-more-stale-and-possibly-moldy knockoff uncrustables Cece bought for the same. Meanwhile, Buffy fever dreams of baby taters as she realizes they have to once again run straight up a forty foot hill.

A vertical, forty foot hill. 

Cross country skiing is almost, (almost) preferable to the trek up the final hill. Almost. Buffy claws her way up the slope, makes it to the top, nearly throws up, and spots Marty a ways away already crossing the finish line. Some coach yells at her to speed up, but her ears are tuned out to spectators and tuned in to the jumping heartbeat in her chest and the absolute lack of breath she has. She even hallucinates TJ, Cyrus, and Reed in the crowd, wearing matching t-shirts to cheer them on. That, of course, (more than a single genuine cross country fan at a meet) is as much of a dream as her ever actually reaching the finish line. 

Fortunately, neither Marty nor Buffy throw up after tumbling over the finish line. Gus does, because he’s being forced by his parents to run and because social events make him nervous. There’s too much cross country camaraderie here, between the solidarity of guys wearing short shorts to the awkward, “inspirational” posts made by the most elite runners in the state. Buffy and Marty both made inspirational cross country instagrams, once, seeing as they’re milesplit famous and known by fellow jealous runners as the Jefferson lovebirds. The only picture Marty ever ended up posting (because he would rather stalk other runners and screenshot milesplit results to spam Buffy with) was an artsy shot taken just after a state race at one point, of Marty and Buffy kissing right across the finish line against a sunrise background. Buffy, on the other hand, posts daily story updates of every run she goes on, and recaps every single race in a long paragraph rant. Even TJ reads them, despite reluctance. Marty couldn’t be more proud. 

Once Marty is done dragging Gus back to the tent, some captain announces: now that everyone has finished running, it’s time to run (again)! Buffy, once again, plays through her life decisions in her head as she shuffles along behind her teammates at a speed slower than Cyrus’s mile time. Marty looks like something has sucked the soul out of him (because it has, and that (something) was 3.1 miles of soul-sucking fun). Finally, they finish, and stretch again, because why wouldn’t they? 

Buffy scrolls through several inspirational messages on her phone: from her mom, from Cyrus, the old one from Andi, and, shockingly, one from TJ. 

“Time for uncrustables!” Marty screams, interrupting her thoughts. Being a smart girl, Buffy grabs seven granola bars, three bags of (regular flavor) cheez-its, and eighty packs of Mott’s fruit snacks (because one never knows when the supply will disappear). Marty eats four bananas and every single honey uncrustable in the box, because he’s chaotic.

“Results? Times?” someone goes around asking everyone: the neurotic one. Buffy just throws him a look that says: ask me and I will push you off the bus. Marty, who lacks such a look in his repertoire, gets bullied into guessing his time, only to be met with a pitying glance from someone who didn’t even run the race.

“Hey Marty,” Buffy calls, “the Spoon after?”

Marty nods, and then nods some more. The only way to erase the trauma is to overeat baby taters and cry in a public place—sometimes, while flaunting the medals acquired in the race.

Somewhere in the corner, Gus is still throwing up. Buffy mentally prepares herself for another bus ride, only this one will be less anxious and more full of regret: that she didn’t run faster, that she ate all seven granola bars, that she showed up for the first day of practice and didn’t take up the trombone instead. Maybe she should have joined Andi’s crafting group, or Walker’s art appreciation society, or Cyrus’s thespian club. 

While she’s contemplating all of this with her nose pressed against the window, Marty comes over and puts an arm around her, then prompts falls asleep on her shoulder. Several teammates sing along in unison to high school musical and various rappers blasting through a tiny speaker. Everyone holds on to their seats, hoping that *this time* the coach doesn’t crash the bus.

There’s probably a lesson in there, about teams and relationships and bonds and being worth it. Unfortunately, the message gets lost in Buffy’s mind, which is operating exactly like she woke up at 4:30 in the morning—which, she did. And so, while reflecting on the last few hours of her life, Buffy’s eyelids slip down until she’s sound asleep between Marty and the window, catching up on sleep already so she can wake up and do it all again next weekend. 

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500 Atlassians Worked Remotely for a Week — Here’s What We Learned

Like most companies, Atlassian has a mixture of people who are working from home full-time (like me) and those who grab an ad-hoc day when the plumber is coming or they can’t stop sneezing. But our collective WFH muscles got a major workout recently when 500 of us went remote during the week-long gap between moving out of one office space and into another.

I talked to colleagues in several departments at Atlassian and dug into my own bag of tricks to bring you this collection of tips for working from home. And because working from home came with a few surprises, I’ll also share some little-known facts and a classic blooper – don’t miss these if you’re thinking of transitioning to full-time remote work.

Working From Home Tips 1. Dedicate a work space and make it your own. Yes, this tip is at the top of every other list of working from home tips you’ve ever read. There’s a reason for that. When you work from an office, your commute helps your brain shift into “work mode”. At home, you can create that same mental shift by dedicating a spot for working. “I have a separate desk at home that is pretty much only used for work,” says Miles, a marketing manager. “This helps me focus because I think of that area as a mini office.” If you’re short on space and have to use your couch or kitchen table, no worries. Just be consistent.

Trick out your home office space on the cheap, with the help of flea markets and a bit of DIY ingenuity. Don’t just stop once you’ve acquired a desk, though. Give your space some personality with wall art, framed photos, a desk lamp to die for, or an essential oil diffuser if that’s your jam. 2. Pace yourself. Y’know how running to the office kitchen to refill your coffee “real quick-like” typically results in a 10-minute hallway convo about your big new project? I didn’t understand the value of interludes like that until I went remote. At first, I would blast through my tasks for the week in about three days because there were so few interruptions. Sounds great, except I’d be completely out of gas by Thursday. And Fridays were, umm, less than productive. Your work week is a marathon – not a sprint. I quickly learned to sprinkle a few 5-10 minute pace breaks throughout the day, away from my desk if possible. For my teammate Claire, her furry friend makes all the difference. “I take my dog for a walk before I start work, at lunch, early afternoon, and after I’m done for the day. It’s a great mental break.” Not to mention healthy. Do ten push-ups or hold yourself in plank pose. Pick up your guitar. Make your grocery list. Your stamina (and your team) will thank you. 3. Be brutally self-aware. While some people (me included) absolutely love working from home, others love the idea of working from home… only to find the reality doesn’t suit them. And that’s ok. “It’s tough to get started, and it’s tough to set things aside when I’m done for the day,” says Jim, a developer on the Bitbucket team. “I also feel isolated from the rest of the team.” That’s a common sentiment, so don’t be afraid to own it. If transferring back into an office isn’t an option, self-awareness will help you find your WFH groove. Develop some strategies for staying connected to your team and understand what will help you focus vs. what will distract you. Have an open, on-going dialog with your team and check in with yourself regularly. Conversely, if you love working from home, take the time to reflect on why and make the most of those aspects. 4. Stock your kitchen with food you can be proud of. For those of us who’ve been spoiled by posh perks like company-provided meals, providing your own coffee and breakfast and lunch and snacks is quite an adjustment. A few days into his week of remote work, customer support analyst Orpheus (who is every bit as cool as his name suggests) lamented his lack of grab n’ go gnoshables: “Folks who work from home need a snack food budget.” Regardless of who pays, the logistics are on you. If your lunch game involves anything more complicated than warming up last night’s leftovers, you’ll need to build prep and clean-up time into your workday routine. For maximum efficiency, pick up a full week’s worth of supplies each Monday morning (unless a daily walk to the store is your pace break of choice). Choose brain-boosting superfoods like almonds, broccoli, berries, beans, eggs, and salmon. Remember, working from home tends to be more sedentary than office-based work, so skip the Oreos. 5. Dress as if you were going to the office (almost). Full-blown business attire probably isn’t necessary, but do make yourself presentable. You’re going to end up on a lot of video calls, for one thing (more on that later). More importantly, getting dressed is another important part of the mental shift into work mode. But don’t stop there. Establish a morning routine that is as close as possible to your routine when you’re going into an office. Here’s mine: 6:00 – Wake up, brush teeth, exercise. 7:00 – Get kids up, brew coffee, shower, get dressed (including hair and make-up), unload the dishwasher, help my daughter do her hair, curse at the stray Legos I inevitably step on. 8:00 – Take my son to preschool. 8:30 – Start work. Rituals allow us to make transitions with minimal mental and emotional turbulence. Yours might be totally mundane like mine, or you might mix it up by working for an hour before you shower and dress. The important thing is to find a routine that works for you and step through it consistently. “The routine of physically getting ready for work is one of the most important things I did to make my week of working from home productive”, says Cameron, who leads an engineering group of more 250 people. 6. Get over your hang-ups around video conferencing. Many of us have scars from struggling with video calls in years past – the struggle was real. That may explain why people new to working from home, and their teammates in the office, are often skittish about vid chat. The good news is that now you can jump into a video call in a matter of seconds using Skype, Google Hangouts, Zoom, BlueJeans, or similar services. “Being comfortable with quick video chats saves a lot of time compared to trading emails or instant messages,” says dev tools marketer Alyss. That face-to-face interaction also does wonders in terms of building relationships with co-workers. However, be prepared to coach your co-workers a little as they learn to embrace the impromptu video call. Their instinct will be to go find an empty conference room, which just wastes time. If you walked over to their desk in person, you’d have the conversation right there and been done in under a minute. Nobody would think twice about distracting people at neighboring desks because ambient noise is just part of being in an office. Video calls should be treated the same way. Once my teammates got accustomed to that idea, it made working as a distributed team a lot easier. And while we all want to present an aura of perfect professionalism, I encourage you not to stress about it overly much. There will be a time when the doorbell rings or your cat walks across your laptop, right in front of your camera. My kids sometimes pop into view on evening calls with people across the Pacific and I allow it because they seem to enjoy the extra glimpse into my world. (Your mileage may vary, of course, but we can all thank “the BBC guy” for breaking some serious ground on our behalf.) And now, a few surprising things about working from home full-time … Although I felt I’d done my homework before going remote, there was still a lot to learn. If you’re considering going fully remote, take these tidbits into account. There’s a good chance your boss would rather keep you on as a remote worker than replace you. Recruiting, interviewing, and on-boarding new employees is a lot of overhead. Many managers feel having an established teammate go remote is far less disruptive on the whole – especially if you’re crushing it lately. Supporting remote employees is not trivial from an HR and tax perspective. In the U.S., a company must have a tax entity set up in every state in which they have a full-time employee. For this reason, many companies restrict full-time remote work to states where they already have offices. Benefits administration gets complicated because many insurance carriers operate regionally instead of nationally. And it’s just good business sense to adjust remote employees’ salaries to be in line with where they’re living. Figuring all this out takes time away from work HR could be doing that might benefit more people. So if you meet resistance from your employer about going remote, don’t assume they’re trying to be evil. They’re just trying to be practical. There are hidden costs to remote work. You’ll need the fastest, strongest internet connection money can buy. You’ll be paying for (and taking the time to procure) all your coffee, snacks, and meals. Your utility bill will go up because you’re no longer tuning the heat and/or air conditioning down during the day and you’re keeping more lights on. For most people, however, these new costs will be offset by the fact that you’re not gassing up the car or paying bus fare as often. Sharing a workspace with a roommate or partner feels less isolated, but has its own challenges. My husband works remotely too, and when we moved, we made sure to buy a home with an office we can share. It was a great way to start the transition to remote work. Soon, however, he was working almost exclusively from his recliner. We could never agree on what temperature the room should be, and we both tend to be vocal participants in meetings. So now we work in separate rooms and send chat messages to each other even though we’re 50 feet apart. Which is kind of pathetic, but there it is. Extroverts actually do quite well as remote workers. The key to staying in the loop and feeling connected when you’re the one remote member of your team is initiating communication. ABC, baby – always be communicating. We extroverts tend to do this instinctively anyway. Interpersonal interaction is our default setting. So we get a “two birds, one stone” synergy bonus. Getting everyone to take the meeting via video is kind of awesome. When only one person joins remotely, it’s easy to (unintentionally) leave them out of the discussion and harder for them to contribute. But when everyone dials in, even if it’s from their desk at the office, we’re all in the same boat and on our best behavior. We raise our hands to speak. We wait until the other person is done talking before chiming in. We’re less likely to let one person dominate the conversation.

All-remote meetings + Halloween = good times. Besides: you know who enjoys being the one giant head on the TV during meetings? Nobody. This working from home thing isn’t for everybody. Although I’d love to tell you the WFH week was universally loved, it wasn’t. Max from marketing said it was “only the best week ever”, while Mary, a product owner, missed the higher level of social interaction and felt like the week was something she “just had to get through”. For others, it was a big empathy-builder. “Be mindful of our remote colleagues and how easy it is for them to feel (or be) left out,” says Adam from technical account management. Your experience working from home will involve plenty of twists, turns, fails, and wins. Be patient as you and your team adjust, expect the unexpected, and just roll with it. At least you can rest easy knowing you won’t be the first remote worker whose toddler makes an unplanned cameo on international television. This article was originally published on Atlassian.com and republished with permission.

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