#its a cycle we haven't found a way out of yet and it's exhausting

[lupismaris]

I appreciate my boss for a lot of reasons, one of which is his taking the time to stop at my desk while rushing to an "emergency comms meeting" (letting the team know students will be counter protesting and to be ready) to let me know "the fuckin idiot bigots" (bible thumpers) are on campus today (hence counter protest) and that he'd go pick up lunch for me if needed so i didn't have to put myself at risk as an openly trans member of the university

It's a nice compromise considering we can't escort them off the property (state owned public property is technically fair game) that they'll at least keep me from being tossed into the muck and inevitably wanting to throw hands

[matthillica]

Pandemic - Day 355

This week marks 1 year since Covid was declared a Pandemic in the US.

As things began to shut down and the world changed before our eyes last March, I picked up this blog again thinking it would be interesting to document. At the time, although we hadn't told anyone yet, my wife was three months pregnant with our second child. My daughter was about to turn two. What better way, I thought, to show my kids what Covid was like than to document the pandemic's course as we muddled our way through daily uncertainty.

What I hadn't counted on was the duration and depth of the pandemic. I figured we'd be locked down in quarantine for three months, tops… maybe six if things were handled poorly. 

As the novelty of Covid and prepping pantries and Covid memes began to wear off, we learned more about how Covid is actually transmitted. That meant aspects of our lives went back to normal while other abnormal aspects became second nature. Fear subsided, somewhat. I no longer stressed as much about grocery store trips. We still wear masks everywhere, but aren't afraid of Covid lurking behind every corner. For the most part, we understand that by taking a few simple steps, we can protect ourselves and our family from this disease.

Then in May came George Floyd, which took a world already turned on its head and lit a fire underneath it. A summer of protests against police brutality followed, then the politicization of masks, racial tension, and the most heated election cycle in my memory, all capped off by a coup attempt… the year we found ourselves living through became about so much more than just a pandemic.

The overwhelming was soon mired in disinformation and propaganda and the overwhelming-ness of it all became too overwhelming to even care about documenting, even for posterity.

I quit updating. Who gave a shit anyway? Certainly not me. I had bigger fish to fry than documenting the slow motion train wreck. I shared pics from my Instagram when I felt like it. I helped my Mom move from Kansas to Atlanta and then we packed up and moved to a new house ourselves. This was a welcome distraction from the horrible world, but Covid never really leaves your consciousness. It's always there, especially in weird, unexpected moments. This guy is trying to talk to me and he's getting too close but I don't want to offend him. I just filled up with gas and I'm all out of hand sanitizer, so I drive home reminding myself not to touch my face for the entire 15 minute ride. Mom wants to go to the salon, but I’m worried about exposure because my wife and her father are both high risk and I’m afraid to offend her by saying something. You're always thinking about it. How could you not? Covid is always there, always forcing you to adjust your life and habits around it.

With over 500,000 dead at this point in the US alone, the story of our little pandemic lives seemed so miniscule and, quite frankly, blessed. Sure, we'd lost income due to my unemployment, but our family managed to stay healthy (so far) and happy and together. We had it so much better than so many.

But then I have days like today where small things just rip me apart.

I got my car stuck in the mud in our backyard trying to unload a toolbox in our basement the other day and now I can't get it out of the goddamn grass. It's now sat there for three days while I waited for the ground to dry out so I could try again. I decided this morning to try and get it out by laying a cardboard path of old moving boxes. It was a massive failure that only succeeded in creating more muddy ruts, my car even more stuck now than it was this morning.

I sat in my driver's seat this morning… yelling at my stupid tires and two-wheel-drive, pounding on the steering wheel; the weight of all these little thoughts and worries crashing in around me. My daughter's entire second year was spent inside a fucking house. My son is already getting his first teeth and has only met six people. My hands have been cracked and bleeding for 12 months from constant hand washing. I haven't had a haircut in a year. I haven't seen some of my closest friends in over a year. I have a niece in Las Vegas who I was supposed to meet in March 2020 when she was four months old… now she's walking and talking. My friend lost her uncle and father to Covid in the same month. My other friend has been suffering with Covid for almost two months. My brother caught Covid in September shadowing home inspections to become a certified inspector because MGM’s shows were all closed. I haven't seen my father in a year and he’s 71 and lives by himself. The last time we were together (a year ago this week) he helped me buy a handgun for protection. Political division, social unrest, and America's tenuous grip on democracy. What kind of world did I just bring children into? Are we gonna make it?

I know there is light, but there are days when it still feels pretty damn dark.

And I guess that's where I'm at, mentally speaking. Exhausted. Sad. Grateful. So incredibly grateful. Even when the exhaustion takes over and guts me, I remind myself to be grateful. I'm grateful that the pandemic hasn't been worse for us as it has for so many others. I'm grateful that I've been able to cobble together an income off freelance work. I'm grateful that my kids are happy and healthy, not to mention too young to remember any of this shit once it's over. I’m grateful that I've learned to cook. I'm grateful that my wife and I still love each other. I'm grateful for family who have helped us navigate being working parents without daycare. I'm grateful that my parents and my wife's parents have been vaccinated. I'm grateful that now an end is in sight. When that end will be for us, I'm still not sure, but at least we know it's coming. And for that, I am grateful.

Now we brace for a return to "normalcy", whatever that means… and however long it takes. A regular topic of conversation in my house is what the first restaurant we eat inside will be. Or what vacation we'll take first. These all still feel very aspirational to me, but at least we're aspiring, I guess. In my mind, I'm ready to burst out of my unfinished basement office and folding table desk to tackle the world again. I'm ready to dive into another marketing department somewhere, go see a concert in the front row, take my kid to the aquarium so she can see the fish she only remembers from pictures. In my mind, I'm ready for all of these things and telling myself that attitude is everything.

But in my heart I know that it will probably be a long time before I can eat comfortably at a restaurant again, stand next to a stranger on a train, or sit in an airplane with other passengers without it doing a number on my head. In my heart I know that the first time I experience live music again, go to a museum, watch my child take in the majesty of a real shark, or feel the hug of a friend I've only seen over Zoom for 12+ months, I will be reduced to a puddle. And that's OK. I expect there are many, many others who feel exactly the same way and will be going through the same thing.

Still, if there's one thing the last year has taught me, it's that the abyss of the unknown is crossable and I'm ready to cross it, for better or for worse.  

[blueberryrock]

Here is the next chapter, I really don't know what else to say except enjoy!

(Yellow's pov)

"I'm sorry Yellow, but I can't help anymore, I've done all I've can," Steven Universe says over a diamond communicator "I'd love to keep helping you look for her, but I've got some stuff I need to do on earth, but–" I cut him off.

"No, no, I get it. You've spent a lot of your time helping me look for Blue, I'm very grateful, I'll keep you updated if we find anything" I say exhaustedly.

"Sorry, " he apologizes again " what I was going to say was, after I'm done with the stuff I need to do, I'll come back and help" he determinedly says.

I sadly smile at him, but it quickly vanishes as I say goodbye to him and hang up. I rub my tired eyes, ever since Blue has gone missing, I've been working my ass off trying to find her.

But I've had no hope, we'll expect for all the quartz's Blue Pearl found poofed on the Oasis's moon. But they don't even know where they're keeping her.

And every rotation that I've lost searching is another rotation she could be shattered or worse.

And to make matters worse, she is still pregnant. I groan at that last part. I need to get off my ass and go out and search planets.

But instead of doing that, I am currently sitting on my bed wasting time.  I let out a tired front as I get off of the bed, I summon a yellow screen and I send a message to Yellow Pearl, telling her to get my ship ready.

As soon as Yellow Pearl says it's ready hastily warp to my ship. The huge golden ship is gleaming in the sunlight, I sadly sigh as I glance at Blue's unused ship.

"I will find you" I mutter to myself. I climb up the many flights of stairs to reach the entrance of the ship. I carelessly stomp through the empty golden halls of the ship, only slowing down when I reach the cockpit.

I throw myself into the somewhat comfortable driver's seat, I take a deep breath to prepare myself as my right arm is engulfed by a golden light. I relax once the noise of the engines starts roaring as I leave the ground. The beautiful purple-blue sky of homeworld quickly changes into the inky blackness of space.

I tilt my arm more towards the right to steer the huge ship to an old galaxy the I haven't visited in eons.

(Blues pov)

I groan as I slowly sit up. The bright sunlight that pours in my small cell nearly blinds me for a few seconds. I rub the exhaustion from my eyes, I'm being very careful that I don't move my very injured arm.

It stopped bleeding a while ago, but it still hurts like a bitch whenever I move. Which is why I only move off of the bed to grab food.

Luckily, none of the fusions have visited me yet. After three days they finally gave me another pillow, a nice soft plush one! They probably think that I won't destroy this one, which is true.

I delicately comb my thin hand through my dirty hair, I gingerly put my weaker hand on my big baby belly. I'm now currently seven and a half months pregnant starting today.

I sigh as hunger washes over me, I slowly reach over from the bed to "Padparadscha" a small pink and orange plant.

I slowly grab all the small sour fruits that the plant produces. I quickly shovel all six of them into my mouth, I twitch from the very sour taste.

As soon as I swallow the last of the nasty fruit a large group of gems walks into my cell. With, of course, they're two leaders at the front.

"Finally you're awake!" Black opal says happily "We've, I mean she" Opal nods to the huge pastel fusion standing next to her "thought today would be a great day to run medical scans!"

"Yes, today we will heal your arm" the pastel fusion glares at my still bandaged arm "and check up on the gemlings," she says smoothly.

She ushers the medical gems to bring the equipment forward. "Luckily, since someone gave the command to slice your arm open," she says harshly, the smaller of the two fusions takes a few nervous steps back "we hopefully won't need to restrain you very much"

"I wouldn't say that" I grit through my teeth.

"If you thrash about, you'll only make it worse," the big fusion says gently. She presses a button the lets the medical gems into my small cell "we don't want to hurt you"

"My sliced arm says otherwise" I sneer.

"That was a mistake from someone who was having 'fun' " she glares at Black Opal with all four black eyes.

"W-well I see that I'm not needed" Opal squeaks. She quickly turns around and runs out of the room.

"Thank the stars" I quietly mutter to myself.

The big fusion only shakes her head, her long rainbow locks following her every move "I, won't hurt you. And I'll make sure she won't either"

"Cause that reassures me soo much," I say sarcastically.

"It should. Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way" her soft voice sends a shiver down my spine.

"Fine, I choose the easy way" I sigh.

"Good, good, there really no reason to put up a fight. In the end, we both want the same thing" she evilly grins.

"We do?"

"In a way, I won't explain it ...but I will say that we both want the gemlings to be nice and healthy" she gestures the gems to bring the scanner forward.

I sit as still as I possibly can while they use a small handheld scanner to scan me and remove the makeshift bandaid around my now stinging arm.

I let out a low hiss as they put some sort of healing paste on it and wrap it back up. "That should clear up rather soon," a small aquamarine with a squeaky voice says.

I weakly smile at her as the other gems work on getting the scanner to work. After a few long minutes of them just pressing buttons and muttering to themselves, the small gems finally get the scanner to work.

"Sorry 'bout that boss, it's an older model so we had to convert it from solar to a fuel system" a dark blue and gold Lapis Lazuli scratches her head.

"Why did you do that?" The tall fusion slightly raises her voice.

"I'm sorry, but it's the only way we could get it to work" the Lapis shrinks back.

"Fine. It's fine. Just hurry it up" the fusion snaps. The Lapis nods and tells the other gems to hurry it up.

And finally, the scanner actually does its job for once and quickly scans me from head to toe. Only beeping when it hits my belly and my arm.

"Alright, here are the results" a Peridot hands a light green screen to the pastel fusion.

"Finally" she quietly mumbles "good news! Aside from your arm being cut open, you're perfectly fine." She shoots me a grin.

"And that means?" I lean forward a bit.

"It means you're fine, and the gemlings are growing just as intended." She hands the screen back to the small Peridot, the fusion signals all the gems to leave.

As soon as she steps past the electric field, it quickly closes, leaving no evidence of its opening.

I gently lay down on my back, careful not to disturb my arm. I close my eyes and wait for the big metal doors to close.

I place my non-injured arm in my baby belly, tracing slow circles on top. "Don't worry, Yellow will come for us soon. You two can count on it" I whisper to the gemlings and myself.

I pull the now clean and soft thin blanket over me. I stare up at the ceiling, the green sunlight from the tiny window dances across the room.

"I hope"

(Yellow's pov)

Useless.

This is utterly useless.

I've been searching planet after planet, moon after moon, but nothing. No trace of any gems, gem ships, or working gem tech.

I angrily drum my fingers on the armrest of my golden throne and sloppily dodge any and all asteroids that are in my way.

And I've searched all asteroid belts and no sign of anything. I don't understand, I should have found her by now.

Their base should've popped up on the radar....Unless.....They're invisible....

Ha! Invisible! That sounds like something that Steven would suggest...Although, I do recall White asking me to stop working on something like that a millennium ago..... Unless someone started working on it again. Damn this just became a thousand times harder.

I jerk my hand off of the steering platform, causing the ship to come to an abrupt halt. I summon a screen and quickly type my theory to both White and Steven.

Even if he won't be searching I told him I'll keep him updated. As soon as that's done, I pull up the star map and locate the nearest planet.

I hastily put my hand back on the steering platform, too impatient to wait for the golden light to consume my arm I jerk my hand forward cause the ship to go as fast as it possibly can.

I slow down when I come to a very familiar area and a very familiar planet. Automatically, my ship pulls up a screen showing information about this planet.

Most of the file has been lost, except for the name of the planet (which was planet 2947). But the planet is large, hollowed out, and red.

I carefully land my ship on the ancient landing pad, it lets out a slight creak as I fully land on it. I turn off the engines and a golden bubble surrounds me.

I don't have much hope for this planet but it never hurts to look. After cycles of wandering around, I decide to go back to the ship and go to the next one.

The second planet I've searched used to be a water planet with purple water and gorgeous blue skies. But now it's once bluegrass is now murky brown mud.

If I remember correctly, this was my second colony. I cautiously cross a dried-up river bed, I kick a small rock across a field of dead grass. This is useless, nothing is out here.

It isn't until a strange, quiet, beeping noise stops me from leaving. I quickly whip around, I start a light jog back through the field until the beeping stops.

Out of the corner of my eye, a small pink object quickly looks up and disappears in the grass. I quickly chase after it, luckily the being is a very bright shade of pink so I easily find it.

I grab the small pink being, it has long fluffy pink hair that covers most of her face, with skin a few shades darker. They're wearing a short pink dress with tons of ruffles.

"Sapphire, how did you get here and what are you doing here?" I ask.

She slightly squirms in my fist, her small hands pound on mine. "Please let me go" her soft voice pleads.

I sigh and release my tight hold on her, she neatly sits in my hands with hers neatly crossed in her lap.

"I know why you're here, but what you're looking for is nowhere near" she calmly says.

"Don't give me that bullshit, if you know where Blue is, then tell me" I say angrily.

"I don't know what planetoid she is on directly, but I do know the galaxy" she tucks some loose strands of her fluffy hair behind her ear.

"Then. Hurry. Up. And. Tell. Me."

The pink sapphire stops to think, she runs her chin with her small involved hand. "You will find her in the Stracks galaxy" she grins.

I look away from the small gem to think "The Stracks..." I mutter to myself, all the anger quickly seeps out of me. My eyes slowly slide back to the still grinning gem "I don't think I've heard of that galaxy"

"It was where White Diamond's first few colonies (besides homeworld) were. Most didn't have any materials, so they were spared" The pink Sapphire says "I suspect that she is on one of those spared planets"

"Thank you. Thank you so much!" I chirp.

"My pleasure" she grins again.

"I do have one question" I set the little sapphire on the ground "why are you here?"

"We both have someone to look for, and I highly suspect that she is here" the pink sapphire brushes any of the dirt off of her dress and floats away.

"Umm, good luck" I quickly say before I turn around and head for the ship.

Don't worry I'm coming Blue.