#its 7am so ill try to sleep but. im so happy

[jils-things]

the immense rage i felt while watching this entire scene go down was so strong. the gall to find joy in someone's misery, misery that cant even be stopped by them even if they wanted to change it. i feel so sad for him seeing this go down

if u need like... a brief explanation on what happened, heres how it went

these two miners probably knew that he gets so excitable when he sees money, so one of them throws a coin to catch his attention which he does, and nor.ton desperately tries to catch it. the coin lands on one miner and they step on the coin and they laugh at him as he tries to lift his foot up and then they continue to toss the coin around until they were done with him :((((((((((( he keeps the coin but you can already understand how hes feeling there :(

[fapper]

2nd random roommate experience this year: i rate it a -5892352952/10.

ok so story time of what just happened in the past like 30 mins xx. i communicated with this cunt to not come in for at least 3 hrs bc i want privacy while packing bc i have a bunch of shit to pack and its gonna be noisy, its considerate of me to even let her know of this lmfao cuz i know she wouldnt do the same (she hasnt before so<3). so guess what happens. obviously she comes in the room not even after 1 entire hour<3 and sits down and does stuff on her laptop <3. while im frantically trying to pack and get all my shit sorted while trying to make time to study for my final tomorrow. like how much of a cunt move is that to barge in the room and act like im not doing anything and completely disregard what i told you yesterday? its a small ass room to and im going to take up the space obviously.

also she came in with such a weird passive aggressive attitude and it ticked me off. she straight up said "so are you leaving today" lmfaooo help. i had to pause for a few seconds and say oh um im gonna leave my luggages here and leave tomorrow. and she said "well in case you never see me again just know i hope you the best and have fun in [country i will be studying abroad in] in the most disinterested cunt tone like wtf lmfao kill yourself on god. Just kill yourself at this point.

so meanwhile this bitch is sitting down trying to act studious im packing and im making loud noises and atp i started doing it on purpose bc fuck you. like literally leave the room just for a few hours omfg ? and as i was unpacking my luggage the bitch has the nerve to stand right in front of my luggage and just look down on me. naur cuz at that point i had to stand up and give her such a devious fake smiile that my lips started to shake help. like i was so pissed off omfg sorry im just emotional like that. but also truly fuck you and i hope nothing but the worst on you like wow lmfao. im so happy im going to be leaving this shithole tomorrow bc wtf was this entire year.

they always randomly assign me to live with the weirdest cunts that roam the streets of this planet like. truly what was this entire experience? it was pure human torture for me to withstand her insanely annoying routines, her stinky salads, her daily 7AM alarms, her loud ass coffee machine blasting at 7AM, her banging the door shut while im sleeping at 7AM. like shes just a pure, inconsiderate human fucking waste, piece of shit. like ive never had sucha bad roommate experience like this before. guess she wins in that regard! she makes my roommate from last year look like a saint. really.

it just boggles my mind how much of a fucking asshole you have to be to do all this shit to another human being and not think anything of it. at this point it just feels like a personal attack. shes racist for sure lmfao like the bitch is GERMAN.

what a waste of human existence. i know her next roommate will be the unluckiest person alive. lord knows ill be spitting at the door once i finally leave this hell hole tmrw.

[pbandjesse]

Today was a good and sleepy day. My mouth doesnt hurt as much. I got to spend time with my family. I feel good. 

But I also feel pretty tired. Even though I did remember to change my alarm, my body decided to wake up at 7am all worried. But I let myself fall back asleep and got a little more rest. At 9 I woke up and got ready for the day. 

James was just coming back from a bike ride. It was nice to see his face. He went and got a shower and I laid in bed scrolling on my phone until he was done. 

I got a shower and got dressed. I want to wear my hair down but its to hot to do so. Annoying. But whatever. I felt real cute. 

I texted my brother to see if they were almost here. And a few minutes later dad was calling me that they were outside! I was very excited. I went outside, ran into Mr Will using a ladder in a way I thought was to dangerous, and went to wait on the stoop. 

It was so good to see my brother and my dad. Steve looked so healthy! He's apparently been working out while staying at home. He did move into his new apartment. I am happy for him to have that space. And dad looked good too. I liked his new glasses. 

We all were still trying to do our best to live in the new reality. We kept masks on all day. Tried to give some space to eachother. Handwashing and all that. It was hard but it was worth it. I really hope we did enough to keep eachother safe. 

This was the first time Steve had seen my apartment. Any apartment. He did come to my first apartment on the day I moved out, but that barely counts. It was fun showing him everything and pointing things out. James and dad sat at our coffee bar and enjoyed their coffee. 

Dad came and looked in my studio and told me he loved my pandemic painting and so I gave it to him. Made me want to finally finish the other painting. And maybe do a little more actual painting work. Maybe Ill start doing that again. Well see. It made me feel good that he liked it so much. 

Dad was hungry though so off we went to the Amish Market. James drove and it was fun just talking in the car. James told us lots of history. Impressed my brother. We talked about statue removal. Changing names of things. The history of icecream. It was great. 

We got to the market and I think Steve and my dad were a little overwhelmed. Steve got so many different things so he could try a little of everything. I got pretzels and a sandwich. Helped a confused Amish man with the soda machine. It was one of those flavor shot kind but he thought the lemon symbol meant lemonade. I was glad to help explain after watching him get frustrated. 

James was wandering around getting us some groceries. Once we found him Steve went to get a crab cake and we went to the bakery to get some things for my mom. 

And then off we went to camp. 

It was really fun showing dad and Steve the art building. They thought everything was beautiful. We had our lunch out in the back on the tables. We talked and it was nice just spending time together. I made Steve come and pick berries with me. He didnt trust them and thought I was trying to trick him. But I got him to eat some after I did. Dad liked the wine berries too.

Steve wanted to see the horses but none were out in the field. I felt bad because I wanted everything to be perfect. And his sandwich has already gotten grease on things and I was upset about that. But James tells me thats silly and he can see how much fun they had just being with me. So I am trying to not let it bother me. I just wanted them to be super happy you know?

But off we went back to the apartment. Dad brought the printer I bought from Matt way back in the winter. We brought everything up. I gave dad and Steve a tour of our island. It was fun showing off how the game works and all the projects I have done. 

But soon it was time for them to go home. Its a long drive back. And honestly I was tired. We said goodbye and I walked them out. When I came back in I noticed dad forgot a bag so James ran out to give it to them. And I laid down on the couch. 

I put on a sewing video. Soothing voices making things is always nice. There was all of a sudden noise outside! There was a protest that walked right past our windows! James ran out to show some support and got a leaflet. And sometime after he walked inside I fell asleep. 

He let me sleep for probably way to long. I woke up pretty disoriented. James was making us fancy potatoes for dinner though and I was excited about that. 

I went and got changed and then we had our food. It was really good. 

We sat on the couch together. Played a little animal crossing. Rested. It was a really good day. 

Now though I am excited to get in bed. I have the whole day tomorrow. James is supposed to have the day off but he may be called into work. Im not thrilled about that. But either way it will be a good day. I have a feeling. 

I hope you are all having a good day and staying safe. Take care of yourselves. Goodnight!

[heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet]

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th 

Mood/anxiety = numb. 

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick. 

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO. 

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done. 

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep. 

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator. 

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship. 

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same. 

---Emotionally it hurts the same. 

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way. 

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they  could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me  buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am. 

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation. 

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate. 

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally. 

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety -  still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested. 

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way. 

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean. 

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board. 

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum. 

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far. 

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine. 

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict. 

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed. 

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings. 

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days. 

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely. 

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness". 

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room. 

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod. 

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am. 

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes. 

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok. 

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change 

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house. 

We are having a picnic social distancing style. 

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around.  But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is 

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction) 

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives. 

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball  gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant. 

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past. 

[missjackil]

My SPN Finale Diary

Days 7 - 8

I feel like I’ll feel a little better if they say why they decided to end the show. I'm sure someone will ask during a panel and I hope we get an honest answer. Honestly, I'm not sure I’ll believe the answer. I think they’ll most likely say that they all agreed its the right time. End on a high note etc, I'm willing to accept it, if they say it, just not sure I buy it, but its at least something I can begin healing on. 

The past couple days have been weird, keep reading if you’re interested

I've had periods where I'm infuriated. Like “How DARE they take away my happiness??!!”  Please, keep in mind I know this will pass. I’m unfortunately very familiar with the stages of grief and I know there is no specific order in which the stages come, nor the severity of them, just that they all have a peak, and eventually lessen though they may never fully go away. I have no interest at all in dragging them on SM, or upsetting them  at the convention, but I am occasionally spouting verbal rage to a couple trusted individuals that know Im no threat to anyone. 

 If Im around 10 years from now, I’ll still remember SPN, of course, and Ill remember how much I love these boys, I may still be very sad, maybe Ill be angry still. maybe Ill just think back fondly and say “Damn... that was one hell of a show” or hell, knowing me, I may still be binging them whenever I can.

I didnt bring it up at work, I didnt want anyone to think Im crazy, but we’re a pretty close bunch and mostly everyone knows Im a big fan. Several of my co-workers also watch and Monday started the “OMG I heard you’re show is ending!” Some even showed sympathy, like “Are you gonna be alright?” and genuinely meant it. I appreciate it, honestly, but I played it like “yeah, Ill be so sad, but I still have the end of this season and all of next to prepare” on the outside when I was internally screaming “I DONT KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE IT!!” 

Some things people say just rub me the wrong way, even though I know they dont have bad intentions. Yesterday I read a letter that Misha wrote to the fans, and Im not a fan of Misha’s but read it anyway. It was a nice letter, though it didnt give any new information, no reasons why or anything, but he said something like “Sometimes endings are just beginnings in disguise” (I cant remember word for word) and I got so mad because that’s a “comfort cliche” and I HATE those... this ranked right up there with “He’s in a better place” or “Its in God’s hands” because unless they announce theyre gonna have a new show or a series of movies, this is not a beginning at all. For them maybe, not for us. What does it begin? Sure Misha can go ride a political bandwagon and Jensen can find some movies to do, Jared can “be Jared” and whatever that entails. but for us, its just an end. We have to go on with whatever is our lives, just without this one thing that brought us such happiness, so no Misha, its not a beginning in disguise. Nice try though :\

Again, these boys mean the world to me, and even though Im angry and sad as Hell, I want them to be happy. They have a right to it and they earned it and they owe me nothing. God knows, I dont want them to do anything that they dont want to do, and if theyre tired, and  want to do other things, then please do so.... Im just not saying Im happy about it.

Yesterday and today, my daughter and I are both off work. The weather has been nice and I was out of the house most of the day yesterday, got some fresh air, and even went to dinner with my friend. Im trying. However I met this little demon inside me, that as soon as I laugh, or think of something else, or start enjoying something, he sinks his dirty little claws into my heart and says “But you’re losing your boys” and I want to cry again. 

its 7am, Ive gotten 2 hours sleep. I dont want to sleep the day away since its supposed to be sunny and 72 today, so Ill try to get a 3 hour nap in before I hit a sleep wall  and lose the day. I just really wish I could shut my brain off for a little while.

[atma-alchemy]

After birth...Me, Baby & Ashtanga Yoga Practice

Or how to cope with being a new mum and continuing your practice of yoga

You have practiced yoga alone at home or in a shala/class for years, and then that wonderful day arrives, and your baby is in your arms.......This is a joyful wonderful experience...yet you have been thinking how do I practice my yoga now.

I am going to try and keep this blog brief...as I have hardly any time to write and I know new mums have any time to read(especially if your baby doesn’t sleep)

For me, having this baby signifies a spiritual experience, a gift, a soul lesson for which every day I look to the new lessons to learn. I have found my physical yoga practice less demanding even if I do full primary as my expectations have changed towards my mat.

So you’re into 7th Series Ashtanga Yoga,  suddenly you have to cope with the organic, messy and unknown thing called unconditional love & a new soul.......and there is lots of exploding nappies, projectile vomit and washing to do.......plus lack of sleep and healing from giving birth (how ever that was for you)...so being kind and gentle with yourself is a must.

Firstly I can only advise what I did, and I followed my instincts.....firstly drop any judgement of yourself and try to focus on what feels right for you...everyone will give you an opinion on how to raise a baby & everyone will approach getting back to yoga differently, find out what's right for you.

Heal.....I had a emergency c section at the age of 46, breast fed and had an infection in the first few weeks of the new arrival Elliott plus Recti Diastasis (tummy muscle split right up to my ribs).....I was exhausted and ill, so I took care of me, baby & partner...and that was enough...

Elliott had a tongue-tie as well, so I was back and forth to hospital, doctors and Breast-feeding clinic, finding lifts from kind souls who could drive me, as I couldn't drive for 6 weeks. (C-section)

I didn't practice physical yoga until 12 weeks, and then it was 1 salutation at a time per week increasing as time went on. I wanted to take it slow, and take the opportunity to restart my practice with my new mamma body, your have muscle memory from the pre mamma body and then you have the hidden potential with this new body...I stayed positive. There is change and some is for the better. -I ignored the baby belly, the wrinkles the stretchmark’s & let yoga take care of me...the physical and non-physical.

By 6 months I was doing standing poses, and Elliott varied in his feeling towards my practice....he wasn’t crawling at this stage, but he was vocal.

I put Elliott first, if he kicked off I would stop and tend to his needs & abort the practice if necessary...once he started crawling..The new game of yoga with a clinging, crying ,giggling baby occurred, I would stop and take care of him when needed, again giving up when necessary as he was my priority. Yoga is now a messy organic crazy place while Elliott is with me...its different but Im still practicing yoga.

I decided to enjoy, relish in every moment, practice being present & watch Elliott...he can be my moving meditation, every action, noise etc. there is so much joy and him being a baby will be fleeting

I starting having private lessons at 7 months every 6 weeks and took Elliott with me (Lauren Munday Ashtanga Yoga London) the only way I could be in a shala.

*I had no one to look after the baby (5.30-6am is a tough babysitting call), couldn't find a yoga studio local who would allow me to bring a 3-6 month old baby to morning Ashtanga yoga. (He was not crawling at the time

Elliott is now walking and it is extremely funny practicing yoga, the joy he has watching and interacting with me during yoga class is a whole new dimension to the practice.

The yoga I did try to practice through out pregnancy & beyond was the 8 limbs of Ashtanga Yoga, with great focus on the Yamas.

Non attachment (Aparugraha) to my life before birth and my yoga practice afterwards.

Non Violence (Ahimsa) to myself and those around me allow healing to the body.

Truthfulness (Satya) honesty to myself and how to develop my practice. Not pushing myself and not being lazy, finding the middle ground. some days mother hood is hard, talk to friends, family and other mums for support, don't put on a brave face x

Non Stealing (Asteya) Didn't take time away from my new born to practice, he always came first, so practice was when he slept or when he could cope with mummy on the mat. Baby time is important

Brahmacarya/Grihastha......this is easy...family first.x

So my advise, enjoy your baby, live in the moment, practice the 8 limbs of Ashtanga yoga the best you can and let yoga happen when you & baby are ready

 I now am hoping to start morning Mysore/Ashtanga class for families with young babies (non crawling) so that everyone can come practice Ashtanga Yoga with me in Seale, Farnham 5.30am-7am in the future

i hope in time I can support new mums back to the ashtanga practice and happy for them to bring baby to practice (I am qualified yoga teacher and pregnancy/post pregnancy)

Contact lisa@atma-alchemy.com for info.

Recommended Reading

Ashtanga Yoga Anusthana R Sharath Jois

Yoga Sadhana for Mothers Anna White and Sharmila Desai

The Yoga Sūtras of Patañjali by Sri Swami Satchidananda

[undead-gorezilla]

Saturday 4th November - 11:15pm

Evergone is out tonight partying and I have work tomorrow morning, and im grounded... i get no days to sleep in anymore and its a pisstake, my life is falling apart rn and idl what to do. Lowkey probs gonna kill myself in the next 5 years. Life is long and im just trynna have fun so why tf am i in bed at 11:17pm on a saturday night knowing I have to be awake at 7am the next morning? Im getting paid but I have no free time to spend that money on shit. Im probably gonna get kicked out of college, my parents cant wait to kick me out, because i have work on weekends i have to have motives during the week but only to be home at 10. The weekend of my 18th is needing to be live and my parents will probably cancel it... i need to have FAT motives Friday 1st December & Saturday 2nd December idec. Im slyly getting bored of weed but ill never leave it. Im due a fat party where i can smoke, drink, do loons, snort ket and just have an amazing time. I wanna see the girl im talking to bad as well but she is long away. My depression is v active atm and its annoying.. i dont wanna take antidepressants, i wanna be happy, my life has been difficult since day one. I might aswell give up and live on a council estate where i rass it and try to have fun at a job that pays enough for me to be able to live happily. Music is nowhere with me atm, i wish i was talented enough so i could start mashing it now. But i might just have to start shotting on the side so i can get more money. More work = less free time + more money. Would trade sm to be properly happy. Too many reminders of the past. I wish to be left alone by the pagans and wish to be wanted and appreciated more by my friends. I dont have a proper family and it sucks and i feel more lonely and i wish i was never adopted and i wish i was dead. I dont wanna work tomorrow. My bed is very comfy and my feet hurt and i wanna stay up longer but im so comfy and so tired from today. Wish i didnt have maths at college, life would be a little better then, free day wednesday, sleep in monday. Fuck. That would be nice.. need my girl here to cuddle. By my girl i mean my ex. The new girl is great. But no one can beat my ex, she was the one.. i hope someone is staying up late at night reading this.. else wtf am i doing? Im in need of loyal people in my life that wanna be friends with me and can handle me and can help me. I love the people who care. I feel like shit and like i never wanna leave the bed again. I feel numb and depressed. The world is shit. WorldK. I miss my bestfriend, he hasnt been talking to me much and ive been told he isnt coming to my 18th but i need him there. @yungmondai you better be there, youre my bro. Someone call me? Idk. I love the girl im talking to now. But it just isnt the same and i feel terrible, ik she likes me and i like her too. But my ex wont leave my mind. Idk how im supposed to move on without using someone. I feel like doing cute shit with this girl will make me cry. But i really want to because i really really like her. My ex needs to fuck off out my thoughts so i can be happier. Sorry. 11:40pm

[carmenhekima]

Arrival: I arrived late around 8:15pm. I was picked up by Alex (the taxi driver). Alex is 22 and believe he is aspiring to be a planter or something. But for now he is a driver.The drive from the airport to kisieran was about 30-40 minutes. I passed Mama Ndinda house and it brought back so many memories. I am excited to see them soon. From Ngong to Kiersian is about 20 miles give or take I’m not sure. When I approached the green gate, I believe it was Steven that was there at the gate ready to greet me! He welcomed me with a huge smile and a Karibu. I then met Jenny, the incoming director who was waiting for my outside in the cold. She was very welcoming and gave me nothing but smiles. Once I entered the guest house I met three ladies from Erie. Stacey, Katie, and Jennifer. They are in hopes of starting their own Non-Profit. They are donating tablets to the girls for educational purposes. This is suppose to help them with their studies and accesses where they need help. Hekima Place is the first home they visited. Day 1:

I was given some personal time so my body could adjust to the time difference. I woke up to Katie, one of the volunteers, cooking us breakfast. After that we walked around the compound and I met baby hope and baby Mercy Medivia. Mercy has never seen white people before so when they approach her she begins to cry. I introduced myself to her she liked me and let me hold her. The mum said I was a lucky one. Then Katie and stacie showed me their tablets that brought over. They brought over 25 tablets for grades 5-8 to play on and get help tutoring. I played the games and they seem great. I think the dilemma is two things: 1. We cannot push western culture onto a group that has not asked for it. And 2. Kate the director does not want to introduce a new element to the program that might deter the girls from the goal. In the US I believe girls and boys in low income neighbors and even unemployed neighborhoods could use this program. But after watching them be engaged with it they loved it. I hope that it goes well. Today I got to meet most of the girls. They are extremely friendly and well mannered. At dinner they danced for us. I believe it was a Somali dance. They sung a prayer too. I hope to better my Kiswahili while I am here.

Day 2.

I woke up at 6am to get ready for 7:30am prayer and staff meeting. I made myself a sandwich and cleaned the dishes. I don’t like bugs so if the kitchen stays clean that means less bugs. I went to the staff meeting. We began with a bible verse from James 3:1-4 afterwards we prayed and started the staff meeting. Mum Kate said today will be going to Smith Hotel with the Mums and the Laura and her daughters will be left behind to take care of the children. Baby Mercy does not like Muzungus (white people) so I would like to see how that goes. I hope that the Smith Hotel has wifi so I can in contact with my family and friends here in Kenya. I talked to Lucy and she said she would come by on Sunday.  

Day 3:

We did not go to the Smith, but we did go out to the Hub. Which is a really expensive mall for tourist and people who have money (so not me). Yesterday I was frustrated because the visitors here from GW keep asking the girls to speak English. This frustrates me because one: the language of the country is Swahili. And they are mad when they girls speak the language of their country like I think when visitors come they should try to learn their language.

Day 4:

We taught the 4-8 how to use the LeapFrog tablets.  I normally get up at 7am for the staff meeting then I ask the mums if the need help with chores. On weekends the girls wake up later and start chores for the house. They do things like clean the kitchen and bathroom, sweep the floors etc.  Like today I washed the dishes with the red house. Then I played soccer with some of the girls. Then in the afternoon I pealed and plucked corn my thumb started to bleed. The other volunteers did not come until the chores were finished. The girls expressed to us how they were bored. Laura one of the members on the board suggested a dance party. This was especially nice because all the girl were home. Some of the girls from university were here and most of the girls from high school were on break. It was a Huge celebration! We had a chocolate Party everyone danced and laughed. Day 5:

Today was long, It began with mass at 11am. we set up the cafeteria like a church and the priest flew in from Tanzania. The sermon itself was not long but the formalities were long, like prayer and the songs. After that we had some time to relax but not much because we had to transform the cafeteria into a celebration ceremony. Some of the Kenyan board arrived and almost all of the staff was there. Once we began, it lasted until dinner time. all the house sung songs and the older presented speeches. They even choose me to speak and I've only been her for five days! I was really nervous. After the ceremony we had dinner and finally went to sleep. Day 6:

I woke up early to teach preschool. Todays lesson was about recognizing number. After that we had to train the house mums on how to use the tablets and set the child protection settings. At the end of the night Laura and her daughters left there were only here for about 3 days it was not long. But they have been to Hekima before.

Day7:  

Today was relaxed, I woke up late then went into town to one of the local malls. I had KFC which probably wasn’t the best choose for my digestive system but at least I had a taste of home (sort of). Then I came back to prepare the actual tablet pilot to allow the girls to see them. One of the volunteers had an emergency at home which caused her a lot of stress. Jenny friend also had an emergency which caused her to leave the compound. But Laura (Hekima board member) said she would write me a recommendation letter so thats nice. I’ve learned that networking is not that hard. Ms. Laura just saw my work ethic and pulled me to the side and told me how impressed she was with me.

Day 8:

I went into town with Edith and Ruth we took about 6 Matatu altogether. Things I noticed was that gas is 99 cents here but really lower than that because of the conversion. Once we arrived into town I got touched like 3 times, once I was called a Muzungu then one guy tried to touch my arm to get my attention. It made me quiet angry because I’m use to having my own space and for the most part being respected. In town we attended a play.Of course we missed the one in English so I watched a Play in Swahili, I was surprised because I understood some of it. I managed to follow along. It was really intense. It was about abortion, domestic violence, college. Several pressing issue that plague this country. Afterward it started to rain and we needed something to eat. So we went to Big Square. I got Fish and Chips (fries) . The others got chicken and chips. After, while walking in the rain we Sam (the driver) and he didn’t pick us up, that was unfortunate because I was cold and it was raining. But Jenny picked up us in Ngong at the mall. This morning I taught Preschool and they are learning to spell their names. Since that cut short because of the trip to Nairobi. I gave them biscuits. They were so happy.

June 23-25:  

This weekend I went out with some friends I met from my last trip we went to a rugby game. I ran into some of my friends I made last year. It was like a reunion. There's some days, I never want to leave this place. Its truly a paradise. The only things I would change is the convenience of little things like reception wifi everywhere. Knowing the lay of the land. But I love Kenya. Im learning more Swahili everyday. I could see myself living here. Sometimes I consider it. The other girls. Katie, Stacey and Jess left for Uganda but there are coming back! June 26:When I returned to Hekima Place I was. Welcomed with many arms. I also met Aku and Bravon they are Jenny friends! Afterwards Maddie, myself and the girls went on a hike and you could see EVERYTHING even the city. It’s so nice. I also braided Tracey’s hair everyone was impressed I knew how to cornrows here they call shiku or something like that.

June 28: 

Today is really cold and rainy, I was to work in the office but because Jenny is working on policy paper work and mum Sophie is gone it looks like I will be doing my own thing today. Dilemma, I really want to make a trip to Mombasa! We shall see I’m not sure the next time ill be able to come back. Time goes fast here I only have 3 more weeks. It was uneventful today. I mostly colored. It was also very cold like winter almost. I might work in the kitchen. Today they have slaughtered chickens. But I did not want to see. Tomorrow we are suppose to do the inventory for clothes and donations. Which should be all day, at least it’s not the shamba or animals so I’m kind of happy. Although I was suppose to have personal time Friday we are going out to elephants and bead factory. Id rather just be allowed to roam myself.  Sometime you can get such tourist aspect of Kenya. I also felt like the house mum I helped with homework made sure some of the littles ones were to bed. Little grace and I even did homework that was ahead so she is free tomorrow.

June 29: 

Today was FUN. First I sorted clothes, there were so many clothes then I helped Maddie cook vegetable pasta. I do not think I introduced Maddie she lives near Pittsburgh and goes to Penn State she is an aspiring doctor and has traveled a lot. After Pasta I read Sisters Solidjah Im at the part where winter loses everything and is pretty much alone. Reading has been so exciting when you have nothing else to do but kill time, I feel like such a book worm. After I read I took a nap. Thought about the movie La La Land and how the couple did not end up together but it was for the best because they would not have lived out their dream. After Rabin, Bravon and Maddie we all cook chapati with egg. Rabin and Bravon are around 27 and 28. It was probably the best thing I’ve had in a long time. It was not soon after the girls were home and we ate dinner. I have pimples, and everyone asks me what's wrong with my face. I think for the most part everyone's skin is here pretty much perfectly smooth like no blemishes. The know what pimples are but I guess they don’t show often. They ask are they mosquitoes bite is it rash. At this point I don’t even get angry over it. I just play it  off. Soon Ill be helping with homework again! Last night I was not feeling well. My stomach was very upset from all the food I ate but it turns out it was just gas

[crazykendal]

L8rrrr Bitches

I feel like im fine but I need help omfg

Where did you meet the last person you were in a car with? Well I met my mom when I was born so.. yeahhh Besides this survey, what are you doing right now? listening to music without headphones which is very rare. my headphones are charging and im going to be needing them tomorrow. Will you be up before 7am tomorrow? most likely unless my alarm clock fails me again Did you kiss anyone today? no I will never fucking kiss anyone ever alright What’s the best thing that happened to you today? I dont know but my favorite song is realllly helping me though stuff right now so kudos to clean bandit

How old do you think you’ll be when you have kids? I dont want kids. I hate little kids and im basically a kid? that’s probably another reason I hate myselffff damn Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? well im gonna be 18 in exactly 5 years and marriage is something I do not plan on ever doing so hahah no Are you waiting for something? im waiting until my dad and I build a new computer because I recently bought gta v again for the pc and it probably wont run on the computer we have now so When was the last time you hugged a member of the opposite sex? ive never hugged a guy like in my life not including like family or stuff so THATS cool. that’ll totally change in high school

sike no it wont

What’s your relationship with the last person you texted? my mom? well shes my mom and thats it What did you do today? I think im supposed to be packing right now but fuck it I get used to my dad yelling at me What is bothering you right now? not much besides my family which is a first How old were you when you first smoked weed? never have and never will Have you ever lived with your girlfriend/boyfriend? nope being single I find is actually better youllll neverrrr gettt yourrrr heartttt brokennnnnn Have you ever taken someone back after they’ve cheated? join the lonely summer club and put your tears in bottles Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed? closed. Are you really happy or are you just saying that? i’m not really happy. How do you feel about your relationship status? great, fantastic, marvelous, and im dead serious hahahhaha fuck everyone (including myself) When was the last time you cried? honestly i think it was when I watched lexa die and whats funnier is that ive already seen the scene before so what the actual fuck

Who did you last talk to over the phone? my mom because I accidentally called her

Has anyone made your day better even if it wasn’t by much? bitch not anymore hahaha this is one of the only reasons why I like summer How many relationships have you been in? never had and it seems like I never will kudos to my anger issuueeessssss yayyyy What’s something you do that really frustrates people who are closest to you? Dont even get me fucking started, they know

Do your siblings dye their hair? no

How long have you loved the person you’re into now? I used to but now ive torn myself apart to the point where I dont give a flying fuck about them im sorry dude but we have to realize I would do that. 

Do you still have any of your exes’ stuff? If I did have one id burn it all

Who can you best relate to in the last book you read? I dont even know when the last time ive read a book but Ill take one out of my favorite series, id probably be Hazel Levesque because everyone fucking forgets about her and no one cares. Rick literally created her for a filler character. But honestly probably Piper Mclean I lovvveee her but not as much as Annabeth Chase, fuckkkkkk

Are you indecisive? sometimes. I usually try to end the problem but y’all know me I fuck up everything and make it worse

What’s stressing you right now? cant say but probably high school, at least I know I wont be lonely and I’ll have better friends than I did last year

Do you collect anything and if so, what? dood no

If you had to dye your hair right now, what color would you choose? how bout brown :)  I dont want to dye my hair

How old were you the first time you had alcohol? ive never had alcohol oh im just a gooood kid no thats not true we have alcohol in our house I could go grab right now but no thank you

Do you remember what you were doing on New Year’s Eve of 2006? I was 4 bitch I was fuckin sleeping thank you very much

What’re you listening to? Wasted Youth- Fletcher

Was the last movie you watched good? I watched this movie last night I think it was called Cursed or something, it was weird

Are you tired? no im fucking ready to kill someone (not anyone in specific tho)

What’re you doing tomorrow? going to Oregon with my friend’s family

What was the last compliment someone gave you? dont remember. Why? because theres nothing to compliment me about

Does anyone love you right now? no and im glad know one does because I dont love anyone anymore

Do your best friends all like each other? I dont have anymore friend groups at the moment because having even less friends than I already have is much better

What did your first best friend look like? better than me

Did you have a role model growing up? probably like taylor swift or something (I hate her now) god dammit im so negative

Do you remember who you loved in grade seven? I didnt like anyone that year and ive only loved someone once and that is so over hahah fuck everyone

Do you like your job? if I had one, maybe

Who’s the first person in your phone contacts? myself because that’s default but its just one of my friends hmm maybe shes reading this now who the fuck knows

Is your best friend dating anyone and if so, do you like them? I have no idea but im surprised she isnt maybe ill ask her tomorrow hahaha

How do you feel right now? fantastic because I dont need people because no ones loyal and I stopped trusting a lotttt of people

When were you last in the hospital? probably when my sister was born I cant remember any other time

Do you want to move? yes please billund denmark do not google it please

Who’s the most trustworthy of your friends? well right now like one person but i probably wont see her ever again haha goodbyeeeeee

Are you loyal? I try to! Im just coldhearted and I suck but Im pretty loyal to one person but dood sorry that wont last long

Do you have a big family?

no?

Do you want more or less siblings?

less