#its 6 am. i havent slept since yesterday. im gonna go pass tf out. love yall <3 )

[lostmemoriies-a]

frances isn’t jealous . really . she isn’t .

well , okay , maybe she is . but just a little bit . it’s just not fair , though . not fair that jack gets to have a bunch of friends , friends who are cool and popular and frances is stuck . she’s stuck with no friends . jack was really her only friend . it’s sad to think that she’s a fucking junior in high school , her and her brother having turned seventeen just a few days ago , and she has no friends .

it’s halloween and normally frances would be ecstatic . it had always been her favorite holiday . she loved getting to pretend that she was someone else , someone who was happy and confident , for just one day . jack had always hated halloween though . which is why it doesn’t make sense to her that she’s having the worst time while jack is having fun .

this halloween party that thomas fucking jefferson has thrown every year since the seventh grade has been shit . frances had never really had fun at his halloween parties before . but they had been bearable because she’d have her jacky at her side . they’d make fun of drunk girls loudly singing karaoke together . but this year is different . since her brother got on the baseball team , he’s changed . he’s been hanging out with the other guys on the team . hanging out with jocks   (   it’s kind of a slap in the face because they used to make fun of the self - absorbed jock assholes at their high school .   ) . he’s been distant as hell . hadn’t had time for her anymore . it was always the guys this , the team that . but that was okay . frances wasn’t jealous .

barely twenty minutes into the party , frances locked herself in the bathroom and slid down the door to hug her knees tightly to her chest . she felt terrible . her and jack would always go costume shopping together . and she had stupidly waited until the night before , hoping that maybe that he hadn’t gotten a chance to go to the halloween store yet so they could go together like every other year . but he had already bought a costume , coordinated with the other guys on the baseball team . they were all dressed as fucking marvel characters . it made frances want to hate marvel , but she couldn’t - her , jack , and mom had seen pretty much every marvel movie on opening night together . and frances wasn’t wearing a costume . what a kick to the gut . it was like they changed fucking places , jack loving halloween and frances hating it now . she was wearing her favorite t - shirt , the one with the skeleton ribs on it , with a black and white striped thermal shirt on underneath .

frances wasn’t quite sure , but she’s pretty sure that she was having a panic attack . isn’t that great ? having a panic attack in the bathroom of a virtual stranger at the biggest party of the fall ? if anyone found out , she’d be ruined . at least she could blame the red eyes from crying on weed . that would be believable .

she crawled away from the door and climbed into the bathtub . frances thought that maybe if she was further from the door , then no one would hear her cry or talk to herself   (   she had this habit . whenever jack wasn’t there to talk her through panic attacks , she’d just talk to herself . just another thing that would ruin her if anyone found out .   )

“   i could stay right here or disappear and nobody would even notice at all ,   “   frances begins softly , eyes shut tight to try and stop tears from falling . it doesn’t work though .   “   i'm a creeper in a bathroom 'cause my jacky kinda left me alone .   “   she sniffles and shakes her head angrily for a moment .   “   but you know what ? i'd rather fake pee than stand awkwardly , or pretend to check a text on my phone .   “   she’s rubbing hard at her eyes now , throat closing up a bit , chest hurting from all the heaving .   “   everything felt fine when i was half of a pair . now through no fault of mine , there's no other half there .   “

frances silences herself when she hears someone outside of the bathroom . it’s just some drunk girl , though , someone singing along somewhat nicely to the music thumping throughout the house , despite the owner of the voice being completely shitfaced . she thinks it might be maria lewis . girl had a set of pipes on her that frances would kill for . but frances was okay with being perfectly mediocre .

she lets out a breath of relief when the footsteps from the girl retreat , probably off to get some more beer . whatever . frances didn’t care .   “   now i’m just frances in the bathroom at a party . i forget how long it’s been since jack wanted to spend time with me .    “   she hears a knock at the door , sitting up with wide eyes .   “   no , you can’t come in ! ! !   “   whoever it was , they muttered a small   ‘   damn , fine then   ‘   and walked away . jesus , frances felt like she was going insane now .

“   i'm waiting it out 'til it's time to leave . and picking at grout as i softly grieve . i’m just frances who you don’t know , frances flying solo , frances in the bathroom by herself !   “   the first part is kind of directed towards jack . she knows he’s not there for her to yell at , but it feels good . after all , it feels like they don’t know each other anymore . it sucks . it really fucking sucks . but she can’t do shit about it , she can just wait it out , hope he’ll come to his senses soon .

“    i am hiding , but he's out there , just ignoring all our history . memories get erased , and i'll get replaced with a newer , cooler version of me  .   “   frances gets kind of choked up at the thought . it seems plausible though . there’s probably a guy on the baseball team who has a sister . a sister who looks kind of like frances , but much cooler . frances wouldn’t blame jack , if he left her for that girl .

“   i half regret the beers .   “   frances finds herself mumbling , rubbing at her eyes , letting out a half laugh . she’s kinda glad she had so much already because her anxiety would be killer if she didn’t have some sort of buffer .   “   as i choke back the tears , i’ll wait as long as i need . won’t come out ‘til my face is dry . or i could just blame it on the weed ! everyone would believe that in a fucking heartbeat !   “   frances clambers out of the tub now , stumbles over to the sink . she leans on the counter and glares at her reflection .

as she looks at herself , she realizes that she hates everything about her appearance . her eyes are too big . her lips are too chapped . her nose looks weird . her hair’s frizzy as hell . it’s pulled back into a messy bun , but it doesn’t help at all . and her freckles . god , don’t even get her started on her goddamn freckles . there’s far too many of them . she thinks it makes her look stupid , like she’s got specks of dirt all over her face . she spits at her reflection .

“   it sucks you left me here alone ,   “   frances says softly . she looks similar enough to jack that she can pretend that she’s yelling at him instead of her own tired face .   “   you left me in this stupid fucking teenage battle zone by myself .   “   she shakes her head , more tears flowing . she thought that she was over this already .   “   i feel the pressure building up . big mistake number who - the - fuck - knows of today was showing up .   “

frances chokes back a sob as she turns on the faucet . she bends her neck towards the sink , splashes cold water on her face . she takes a deep breath to steady herself . she feels herself slip into a better place after that . it’s nice . she’s finally back in her somewhat - happy place . it’s the one she slips into when she doesn’t want anything to do with jack . the one where it’s just her and mom . her and mom spending time together at the park , going to see a movie , anything . she keeps her gaze on the sink , somewhat afraid of looking back at herself .

“   i can't help but yearn for a different time . maybe middle school ? shit was pretty good then . maybe before we even started school . that’s when shit was still good .   “   frances scoffs softly , looks back up at her reflection .   “   and the present is clearer . and there’s no denying i’m just . . .   “

that’s when she breaks . she collapses onto the floor , curls into a ball and starts fucking bawling . she’s gotten most of her anger out now . now she’s just sad . really fucking sad .   “   is there a sadder sight than . . .   “   frances wants to finish her sentence . really . but she’s thrown into another sobbing fit , throat tight and chest burning .   “   what a heinous night .   “   it takes her , like , five minutes , but she’s finally regulated her breathing back into a normal pace . she slowly stands up , rubbing at the tear tracks falling down her cheeks .

“   i wish i had stayed at home instead and watched some shitty movie on fucking hallmark .   “   the anger’s back now .   “   or , i wish i had offed myself instead !   “   frances is full - on yelling now .   “   or maybe , i wish i had never been born ! then i wouldn’t be dragging jack down !   “   she punches the door hard enough to hurt herself , but not hard enough to break the door . her dad would kill her if he had to pay to fix someone’s fucking door because she couldn’t control her anger issues   (   she needed to go to anger - management classes . maybe she’d look into it in college . if she wasn’t dead by june .   )   “   i’m just frances who’s a loner , so she must be a stoner ! god , what a fucking loser ! frances flyin’ solo , who you think that you know ? !   “   frances covers her face with her hands , screams into her palms before flinging the door open .

as she’s looking for thomas fucking jefferson , she lets herself say one last thing .   “   all you know about me is my name ,   “   frances murmurs as she finally spots the tall boy . one of jacks’ baseball buddies , judging by his iron man costume . she taps him on the shoulder and is briefly surprised to see that thomas fucking jefferson was just talking to jack .   “   hi . awesome party , i’m so glad i came .   “   she doesn’t want to come off as rude , so she relies on pretending - pretending that she was happy , pretending that she had had fun . frances had even plastered on a wide , rather convincing smile . thank god for taking drama all throughout middle school .

thomas fucking jefferson smiles condescendingly at frances before turning back to talk to jack . frances unintentionally glares at jack before turning sharply to exit the house . jack mutters some half - assed excuse to thomas fucking jefferson before turning quickly to chase after frances .

when he makes it outside , frances is already clambering into her car   (   she’s sobered enough to be able to drive now . and they didn’t drive together . it’s weird and abnormal , but they’re not exactly the best of friends anymore   )   . jack runs up to her , grabs her arm a bit harshly and pulls her close to him .   “   what the fuck is your problem ?   “   he says roughly , eyebrows narrowed . if looks could kill , frances thinks that she’d be a dead girl .

“   excuse me ? what the fuck are you talking about ?   “   frances shoots back , free hand coming up to try to pry jack’s fingers off of her arm . luckily , it works , and she stumbles away from her a bit . she’s looking at him the way she looks at their dad now and jack seems unphased . it doesn’t sit well with her , the fact that he doesn’t care that he’s equivalent to their shithead dad right now .

“   you’re kidding . you were being so fucking rude to thomas back there !   “

“   no i wasn’t , i was being polite . i told him that his party was awesome and that i was glad that i came . how is that being rude ?   “

“   polite ? ! you call that being polite ? ! you were fucking dripping with sarcasm !   “   john’s stepping closer to her and frances is flinching . she doesn’t like this at all .

“   so maybe i didn’t have a good time , what - the fuck - ever ! it’s not like you care anymore about me to want to check on me ! fuck you , john goddamn laurens !   “   frances hisses , gets in john’s personal space before side - stepping to get to her car , purposefully steps on jack’s foot hard . she climbs into the driver seat , slams the door shut , and is soon peeling out of her parking space and is off towards their house .

jack found himself just standing there , eyes following frances ‘ s stupid fucking pt cruiser , completely shocked . frances was never that harsh towards him . he knew he’d fucked up , but he didn’t want to admit that he had done wrong . he was stubborn as shit , and so was frances , so he was pretty much resigned to the idea that they’d never be friends again . but he didn’t care . really . he didn’t . if she’s going to be an ass , then he doesn’t want to fight to be best friends anymore .