#its 3 am im tired and ranting about life being unfair to me idk

[karak9]

//vent (ok to interact otherwise I’d post it on my private twitter haha)

being on tumblr reminds me of years ago when I was active on here. I was SO determined to spread info about otherkin/alterhumans and wasn’t afraid to speak my mind, talk about things, be a leader. I wanted to make my own alterhuman forum and tho I didn’t 100% want to lead something and wanted to rely on my mods a lot, I was comfortable being in a leader position, but now I can’t stand that thought :( I absolutely love being a mod and feeling like I’m helping out but I don’t trust myself to make decisions on my own or even with the help of others, I’d rather be just one voice suggesting things or not having a say at all. idk. I guess some people have really fucked with my head and made me feel really incompetent, or maybe I’ve just realized how unfit I am to be in a leader position?

I almost wanna make my own alterhuman/kin amino because it sounds fun especially when it starts out small but it also sounds very stressful and I just don’t want to end up being a bad leader/admin/whatever the word is. I’m sad about it because I’ve always had this idea of who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do in life, and after being in the kin community for a while I pretty much made it my purpose to better the kin community even if only a little. I’d still absolutely love that, but I just feel like I can’t trust myself, I’m stupid and forgetful and emotional. I’m scared that I’ll screw up and no one will forgive me, or I’ll just, idk, sound stupid and no one will take me seriously, or people think I’m too cringey having multiple kintypes and being fictionkin and plural and having multiple mental disorders, or people who knew me on tg will tell everyone how dumb I was on that forum and how I probably haven’t changed, or I’ll get harassed and won’t know how to handle it. so many things could happen. idk.

I started my own server for the video game my friends and I play and it’s surprisingly done fairly well? but a few months ago there was an incident where a couple of people were attacking my friend over something controversial, I tried to mute them all and the 2 ppl took it as me trying to “silence” them after we just talked about how being silenced by mods is frustrating. I understand they were just doing what they thought was right but I felt so guilt tripped and I had a panic attack and apologized even though I didn’t want to and I asked my mods if I should ban those 2 but they basically said it’s up to me because it’s my server, though they admitted they didn’t think those 2 should be banned, said they were out of line but just very passionate about their views. honestly I kinda wanted to ban them bc seeing their names stressed me out so damn much but I KNOW what it’s like to be that misunderstood person and be banned for no damn reason and I didn’t want to make them feel that way or look bad to my other friends who clearly liked those 2. so I didn’t ban them, the person they attacked left my server and one of the 2 pretty much became inactive and now the other one is a lot more chill. idk I feel stupid for overreacting and having a fucking panic attack over this shit bc the way she talked reminded me of bad people and I did some stupid things (to myself) and none of the mods being able to do much just made me feel so much worse. they couldn’t change the roles in the server that were above them, which I didn’t realize when I first created the mute role bc I was panicking lol, so I ended up having to make the role myself and then it STILL didn’t work so I just had to talk things out with the 2 after the person they attacked left. I feel like I could’ve handled it SO much better but one of the main reasons I hated that situation was because I was the person everyone was relying on, my mods told me that I had to decide whether or not to ban people. I really don’t trust myself to make good unbiased decisions all the time and that’s why I’ll often lurk in mod meetings in other servers and stuff, and either not say anything or not say much. I guess it’s kind of a good thing that I know when my opinion isn’t valuable and when to keep my mouth shut, but idk I’m just scared of something like that happening again and I’ll make the wrong decision.

on top of that I’m generally too nice to people and have let toxic people continue to be in spaces they shouldn’t be because I felt bad for them lol. I’m a lot better with this stuff now I think, but still I’m just fucking terrified of screwing up because I’ve screwed up so fucking much in my life.

I remember being a kid and feeling like I was special, fantasizing about being a superhero, and as a teen wanting to lead a pack and make my own sites and stuff, later starting a kin information tumblr and going on a quest to become one of the cool-kins-everyone-looks-up-to-because-they’re-smart-and-helpful-af. I wanna be helpful above all else tho, idrc if I never become Someone(tm) and just help from the shadows like some cool side character who ends up underrated. I’d like to be someone but I don’t even like myself so idk how tf that could work out lol. sometimes I just get the strong urge to be a parent elf/dog and take care of everyone. being in control would be nice if I knew nothing bad was ever going to happen but I just don’t want risk being the reason bad things happen, you know?

feels like my elf kintype is all cool and motherly and I’m just a weird fkin loser who can hardly get out of bed every morning, can’t control their emotions, has 100000 things wrong with them, and is only ever good for being the supportive character in people’s lives who sometimes says nice things and mostly just shitposts to make people laugh (hopefully). I feel like I haven’t been myself since I was a kid and I’m pissed that that was taken from me. how am I meant to be a cool helpful person in the kin community when I’m struggling to not absolutely despise myself lol