#its 2023 i shouldnt have to do this why cant you do this for me? fuuuck i hate java so much

[iamthekarmapolice]

when i have to go into the environmental variables in advanced settings to add paths for java

[skitskatdacat63]

Why am I cursed to keep seeing 2009!seb pics and brawn!Jenson pics AAAHHHHHHHH STOPPPPP

I wanna start 2009 so bad but it's only a few days before the current season has a double header and I'll be taken over by race wknd brainrot, so I feel like I'll end up watching one 2009 race and then abandon it for like 3 weeks...

[wisecrackingeric-2]

Oooooooooo. Oh no. I’m breaking my super mysterious persona to use tumblr as a personal trauma dumping diary aur naur !!!!!!!! Uh vent under cut but I really R E A L L Y Need to reiterate I’m not looking for pity or sympathy at all I just need a place to write all this down!!!!!! If you have advice ofc that’s always welcome but I’m not trying to centre myself at all or make anything about me I just need a space to vent !!!!!

I’m obviously not the first person to say this but I REALLY REALLY HATE the passage of time. I hate that it’s almost the new years and all of my art and posts and other peoples art is gonna be from last year or just have the ‘2023’ label on it. I hate that people are going to move on from my interests and I am TERRIFIED that IIIIIII may also move on. That scares me so unbelievably bad. I hate it so so much I hate that I can’t just pause time or pause my anxiety or autism or ocd to make me stop worrying for two seconds. I hate that so many things are gonna be in the past- like what do you MEAN re4r is gonna be a YEAR OLD in March of next year???????? I cant do that shit man!!!!!!! I can’t see people move on!!!!!!!!!

I HATE being reminded of how fickle everything is so so so SO much. Everytime E V E R Y T I M E something good happens to me, it’s paired with something bad- literally every time without fail. I hate that I can’t enjoy those good things cuz I’m subconsciously constantly waiting for something bad to happen.

For the first time since I came out to my parents in March 2022 I feel like I actually have a future to look forward to. I feel like I actually have things to work towards!!!!!! Projects I can start!!!!!!!! Friends to enjoy them with!!! Things to be EXCITED about!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But then like clockwork I’m brutally reminded of the fact that that could all come crashing down and all of my friends could dissapear off of the face of tumblr forever and it’s all fickle and delicate and why should I enjoy the present if I know bad things are gonna come right after???????????

I hate that this thing that’s brought me comfort and security in my life is so delicate. I could get hate crimed and ran off the internet like what happened on Twitter, my account could get deleted, Etc etc-

And worst of all I could loose my friends in the blink of an eye. They could take a break one day and never return. Something could happen to them and I’d never know. They could leave tumblr forever with no warning and I’d have no way of contacting them whatsoever. It’s happened before to me and it caused me SO much anxiety. I’ve had friends who’ve gone on breaks only to pass away and it leaves me wishing I’d DONE ANYTHING to help them or wishing that I spent more time with them or told them I loved them just a lil mroe

I’ve been so stressed out trying to finish as much stuff as I can before the end of the year cuz of arbitrary rules I’ve set for myself. This is the first time I get to be excited for the future yet I’m constantly knocked down and reminded WHY I SHOULDNT be excited.

Everything’s moving on and everything’s so delicate it could all slip away from me in a the blink of an eye and getting to the end of the year and seeing friends take breaks or say that they may have to leave for whatever reason is only making that anxiety worse.

Not to mention my goddamn parents got a divorce. I havent talked about it hete often cuz I feel like if I did it’d be all I talked about NDNEHENEJWN but it’s taken a MASSIVE toll on me. The fact that they’ll never be the same and I’ll never feel completely secure in life ever again has taken its toll on me.

I hate that there’s no solution to this. ‘Just move on/keep going in spite’ doesn’t work for me. I don’t WANT things to move on I don’t WANT things to change I don’t WANT to loose my friends and the community I’ve worked so hard to build and everything I’ve created again. I don’t wanna move on and it hurts so bad.

I don’t want the new years to roll around.

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

real! I used to love her (ts) but she feels very different than she used to. I’ve listened to phoebe bridgers a bit, she was good just not the type of music I usually listen to. Boy genius and Lucy Dacus are both amazing tho. They for sure deserved to win Aoty, or sia

sorry for how long this got??? i just started writing and oh whoops....

anyway- THATS what ive been saying about her unfortunately. its like after folklore/evermore things genuinely changed because of all the fame and popularity. people werent criticizing her anymore and instead overly praising her.

which isnt bad! i do think she deserves praise over folklore. the marketing of it being a suprise album was very clever too. but i think before those folklore there was a sense of criticism that people had with her music that kept her wanting to innovate it.

i have a strong believe that social media's algorithms are failing artists to innovate pop music in the same way than 00's pop music did just because of how much less artists have to lose now with their brandings. i once again bring up artpop by lady gaga and how much she lost for her idea???? and now??? gaga was really fucking killing it. her music had such creativity and passion put into it that you can SEE her drive in that. (also to know i didnt understand artpop as an album until MUCH later in my life)

but taylors lack of needing to innovate her sound due to her popularity and lack of criticism really has just shown how much her music has come to decline in quality. if you see the transition between fearless and speak now. those two albums. she TOOK the criticism that she "couldnt write her own songs" and literally flipped that narrative to write that entire album herself. and to me? arguably speak now is MY favorite taylor album.

and the transition between speak now to red to 1989 to reputation. theres SO much that happened in that sense of time. theres different sounds that make those albums what they are. 1989 was such a creative endeavor for her because it was her first step into pop music. i think was also her first time working with jack? now people say her decline on music is his fault as a producer but i dont believe his role had gotten bad until midnights. (i saw people discussing clairo's sling album because he produced it. but THEYRE WRONG. SLING IS GOOD AND HIS ERA OF BAD PRODUCING HAPPENED IN 2023(?) i forget when midnights came out ugh thats how many taylor albums we have gotten ffs)

but the breakaway and challenge 1989 gave really set up for reputation. she disappeared because of all the hate. and i think while I DONT SUPPORT that type of treatment because no one should go through that type of mental low... that really set her into a space to create more fluidly and with more passion?

lover- people will say was a flop.. and ill admit too... cruel summer?? shouldve never ever became a single. it was better as a hidden gem. but lover was good for the majority of songs!! there's still passion in it.

it was just that after folklore/evermore it felt very.... underwhelming and not like her at all. the quality slipped so so off the page. it just feels very recycled and unnecessary. especially like i said the fandom doesnt help with overconsumtion and she really truly should use her platform for more. the economy being in shambles and yet she wants to charge $700 for a concert ticket. (nothing bad if like someone WANTS to go but its genuinely ridiculous because inflation shouldnt BE like that).

not to even cover merch??? why is it so high?? shouldnt you want it to be accessible to your fans since you have so many?? vinyl prices are ridiculous but WHY is a hoodie almost $100. im sorry but like why 😭. cant we just charge $60 again?????

anyway all that to say that after the evermore era her music genuinely slipped off. im just thankful that the speak now rerecord didnt get BOTCHED as high hell. i have opinions about the vault tracks because the entire reason was to include tracks from that era and yet its like your smearing shit onto a perfectly wonderful painting and saying "look yall!! i added to this!!" wrong. wrong wrong wrong. idk. 1989's vault tracks just made me mad. it felt so unlike the vibe of what 1989 was???? and slut was NOT written at the time of 1989. come on.

timeless though off of the rerecord for speak now.... i will defend that one with my honor. i genuinely am glad speak now's vault tracks didnt get horrible treatment. i like that she kept the solo writing with the entire album. adding on fob and hayley's collabs as a callback because i really remember seeing videos of her singing sugar were going down and thats what you get during the speak now tour. it just felt like a full circle moment for that. fob's collab couldve been better but im glad it wasnt like... bad.

stilllll think matty's collab couldve been iconic on slut. even if i hate 1989's vault tracks as a whole... the 1975 does have good music. I KNOW. controversial yeah. anyway. hes got talent tho.

i found phoebe during 2020 when i was listening to a bunchhh of different artists (the 1975 too yeah). but punisher found me and i used to not be able to sleep due to anxiety/insomnia back then and i would listen to that album for months to just SLEEP.

i have a closeee bond with it. its like my favorite if not a close second of my favorite album of all time. its just really interesting?? also really valid that its not your type of music either. i just hold her stuff close. also did a english assignment on smoke signals' lyrics. i remember that. i got to say "fuck the cops" in the assignment and felt very proud of myself LMAO.

in terms of lucy- i for some reason never have gotten around to listening to her stuff?? even though i know i need to and should?? i just always somehow forget. many people have told me to but oh man i forget.

glad we can agree that they deserved album of the year btw.

sorry for the LENGTHY reply but yeah!! i might be forgetting to talk about something but askinf about my special interests (music) will always give you a lengthy answer.

[expensive-rainbows]

cw: SA, intrusive thoughts

ok so i know ive told yall some of this but idk how much ive told yall. so bassically three years ago there was this man who would hold the door for my bus since we always got there late so we would get locked out. keep in mind i know i shouldnt feel obligated to share what i was wearing but i cant help but feel that might be part of the reason why he targeted me. my favorite shirt was a sheer blue shirt that you could see my bra through if you looked close enough. this was during winter and i took my coat off on the bus since i didnt want to deal with it at school. he would ask me if i was a Eskimo (im mexican) and i would tell him no and keep walking. he had jolly ranchers and would give everyone some, but he gave me more than everyone else. he would give me double sometimes triple what everyone else got. i found it creepy so i never ate them, i just put them in my backpack and threw them out at the end of the year. everyday, when he held the door for me, and i watched how he treated everyone else and it was only me, he would take up more and more of the doorway everyday. like the first day he would take up a little, the next he would take up a little more, until he got to the point where he wasnt touching me (since im pretty sure its illegal) but that i knew he could if he wanted to. at the same time he would wait outside my fifth hour while we all waited in a line since my teacher went to the bathroom before class. he started by standing in the center of the hallway, and didnt leave until i made eye contact with him. everyday he got closer, until again he didnt touch me, but he was less than a foot away, and he had me cornered. i knew he could do whatever he wanted and no one would see. this lasted about two weeks and ended on december 16, 2023. I remember because it was a thursday and i was so happy the next day when he disappeared. idk if it was just this or something else that ive blocked out, but im terrified of men. like just in general. its been three years and i cant look my band teacher in the eye. ive had him for three years. i couldnt hug my dad for the first three months. my dad is one of the nicest people ive ever met. i know he would never knowingly take advantage of someone. i cant talk to my english teacher alone, i need my friend to go with me to ask to go to the bathroom. but dont worry this is a happy story. so sorry but im gonna give yall even more context. so my school take all the music kids of my grade to a like smaller amusement park, which isnt near us, its a good drive to get there. its kind of a big deal. plus we have one in our town, but its a lot smaller than the one we went to. so anyway the trip was today, and the band group took a picture together. i was in the back row, and idk if the guys in front of me knew i was there or how close i was to them but i was pretty close. like i could see the creases on the back of one of their necks. i could smell him. (he had some sort of cologne on, not axe body spray but close) but i didnt freak out or anything. like i noticed, but i didnt go home and have a panic attack or anything, i wasnt convinced that he was gonna r@pe me, nothing. i was fine. do you have any idea how long its been since i could say that. since i could say that i was fine and mean it. i didnt have a panic attack, didnt hurt myself (i did break my streak a little big ago, but thats because since were at the end of the school year im very sleep deprived and i have exams and i started working plus taekwondo so im busy and tired. and when im tired i take everything personally) its been three years since i could say i was fine and truly mean it. i still get a little weird around guys/men, but its getting better. now its only physical proximity, i can look them in the face! i know this probably sounds sad but im honestly happy. also quick question.

[shoeshoesho]

March 17, 2023

i haven’t written in a while. I haven’t felt this bad in a while. I cant really put my finger on it. And to be honest now that i should be writing about it i find myself too tired to even dive in. Im tired of being tired. Im tired of being upset. Without even discussing the issue, the buddhist way would sound like this: Be less self centered. Everything that happens, happens. We are the creator of this reality that is in pain and anguish. We paint this landscape we feel. i feel bad at my job. I feel attached to this identity of my job. I tally my mistakes and reason with my own myself- why don’t you just quit? I feel tired and burnt out. I think to myself. Is that just an excuse for your mistakes? Or are these just excuses. Maybe, you are bad at your job? Maybe its ok to be bad at your job. Maybe if you accepted that you were bad at your job that you would be happier. Free-er. 

Maybe if you let go of this. You could finally be happy doing a half ass job at your work. I ask myself why cant I be an effective person? Why do i make the mistakes i make. What self help books can I get. Or am i just. not good. at this. job. IT pays well. I bought a house. Im sitting here on my rug with the fire. alone. Was it all worth it in the end??

IS this a millenial soul reaching out for some sort of unordinary lifestyle? Should i be doing something i really love doing? What are all the answers, where are all the fucking answers. 

Ive never had the confidence to do something unconventional. Ive always been so scared. So scared that if i didnt have it all, i wouldnt be happy. So now that i have it all, am i? 

I feel pathetic. and i find myself hating myself. I think im tired. Tyler says im always tired. He says ive been tired for as long as ive known him...

What does that say? Is that even related to this job?

I think im getting better though. at dealing with the dissapointment.

Today me and tyler were both hanging on a string. I think i was doing ok and he snapped at me. and then we were both not ok. He had a bad week and all his plans fell through so he was upset and moping around the house. I tried to go somewhere with him but then we both lost it in the car. I found myself feeling very similar to how it was in the beginning when i worked at dominican. When he had (and still doesnt really have) the capacity to deal with me being so upset. We could not be more opposites in terms of dealing with work, and stress. I needed someone to council me to sooth me. To want to understand. I wanted someone to ask me what exactly happened and what the situation was. I wanted him to tell me it was ok- but to actually take a look at the situation.

I know he thinks he doesnt need to look at the situation, because he believes in me and thinks im over reacting overall. But i just see him brushing it off completely. In fact, he probably is cause he fucking hates talking about work. IT triggers him into some sort of spiral. talking about my work, his work. Hed rather not address it at all and act like it doesnt exist. All these work problems.

In many ways hes right though. It doesnt matter. If you treat it for what it is.. it shouldnt make me worried. In fact, i shouldnt even be talking about it right now. I shouldnt bring it up because its not importaint in our lives. Unfortunately for me i still think work is importaint to me.

Maybe i need to put efforts in something more personal. Something that could actually help me feel good about what i do. I said this today but im having hard times remembering it. We count all our mistakes but none of the good things we fix. I think maybe i could count on my fingers all the mistakes ive made this year and last year. but i never even counted all the good things ive done in my job. I dont give myself that ever. 

[indigo474]

December 2nd 2023

I was a bit emotional today. I went on face book and saw Michaels wife posted a photo and i am reminded of everything ive lost. it hurts. what can i do but let it hurt. it brings up so many emotions in me.. my kids will never know how much i had to fight for them. and thats ok. i think of Madison and the pain she carries. she lost a lot too... why?? i do think X is evil- to do what he has done not only to me but to Madison- she had nothing to offer him- no trust fund and how dare she cost him money.. so so sick.. but then.. they are adults so shame on them for not speaking to their sister. shame of meghan-- someday someday-- the truth- i don't know when, or how.. and i don't know how 1 man ..... i ran almost 5 miles today. I'm going to need a bigger park. I'm doing the 10 k program so it wasn't all at one but it was challenging.. running is mental. i noticed when i start to feel uncomfortable while running i'm able to tell myself that its ok because ive felt uncomfortable before and it will pass. i ruined my run on thursday because my music app wouldnt work.. i kept trying and trying to get it to work- stopping and starting and i got so mad myself -- it's not working why do you keep trying? i had it in my head i couldnt run without music. Friday i ran without music. today i had music until the last 10 minutes.. i'm excited to see how far i can run. i'm still not sure i am a runner.. i'm not built like one. BUT i like it. I lifted today. 170 dead lift- it felt heavy.. ohh an this week my back has been hurting me.. i'm pretty sure i am getting my period or due to get it and thats why 1 emotions and 2 my back hurts??? it was stiff all week.. sitting at a desk all day make my body sore.. i still lifted heavy although i told james on tues my back hurt so i didnt life as heavy.. today i went in tired from my run which i probably shouldnt be doing.. i guess i could have waited to run afterwards? i have no idea what i should or shouldnt be doing.. i think james said ideally i shouldnt be doing both on the same day.. benched 100-- i get it- i lose it.. split squats almost killed me today- he upped the weight. i played with Kika.. james did a chrome delete on his tesla and his dad was not happy about it- i think its his dads car.. i think it looks good but he needs to get new wheels.. i'm getting use to my commute- i knew i would. i was merging when i should have been yielding- i'm glad i figured that out.. work is kind of horrible. i know one of my reps is going to be in for a rude awakening soon.. its heating season so things are a bit crazy- i was a little bitchy on friday with 2 of my reps.. the one coming to my desk for me to help her after i told her i was busy.. the other is ghetto and i had enough..everyone is so use to me being me- happy helpful positive- they could tell i wasnt in the mood on friday.. it is what it is.. i'm human too.. i had a meeting with both reps separately.. I wore myself out today. Ive been thinking about turning 50- i hate to say this but i'm slightly scared.. a little bit. my mom told me menopause hit her at 50. she went on to tell me how horrible it was.. so i guess i have that in the back of my mind. i feel like i was starting to have symptoms but they have mostly gone away. i want to be and feel excited about aging- it's a privilege and i cant stop it- it's when i hear people say negative things about it- the good news it I am not my Mom.. My house is decorated. it looks good. I wish i had another Christmas tree to decorate.. Madison says 3 is too many.. i'm not convinced. ive had a pretty incredible year.. i don't know how 2024 can top it.....

Madison is going to be working 3rd shift- she is happy.. i'm not that thrilled for her to be out in the middle of the night.

James says i should join the dating apps again.. its the only way to meet someone.. I do want to meet someone- i just do not want to join any dating app..... not now anyway. I am enjoying being single- i thought to myself today that i should enjoy it because i wont always be single. I won't always be single. he's out there..

[bubsub69]

Entry 28

07/11/2023 00:24

Well I got to talk to her yesterday.. but I dunno the dopamine doesnt last long, especially since the conversation wasnt that long and had an abrupt ending.. as usual

Is it too much to ask for a gotta go message? so at least i have some peace of mind? maybe it was urgent, i shouldnt just demand stuff out of her.

I am getting a bit scared of this pattern though, 1 day without texting, then 3 then 4.. Is she bored of me? is she just doing the same as D and feigning interest to be nice? No she wouldnt, she cares way too much to be just faking it.. but why is she texting less and less… why is the waiting period increasing more and more, im scared it grows too large, of not being able to handle too long without seeing her, i was already miserable at 4 days, whatll happen with a week, or 2, or a month… maybe itll stay like this, and ill be able to last for that long better, even if i miss her.

But i guess enough about her… I have a report for a project that I have to partially do.. which sucks as usual…… fuck i cant do this.. i cant stop thinking about her, I got a pair of pictures of her and shes so fucking pretty. I really wanna have a videocall.. not even that I really want some physical touch, I just want some confort, to be able to vent to her, well this i might be able to do when the opportunity arises, but still, i wish I could grow closer to her, but its a bit hard since we talk so little now and the 9000km distance between us. Fuck just thinking about when she texted me in class, feeling like someone cared about me, it feels like such a distant memory now even though it was 2 weeks ago, her being happy i got off earlier and telling me to go to the bathroom to do lewd stuff……shes not just using me for sexting right?.. great another thing to be anxious about….fuck but it might be true…she mentioned she could talk later yesterday but stopped talking after 2 hours and never got back.. fuck im just a fucking bootycall arent i.. fuck why did i have to think of this fuck i cant believe it nonnononononono please no i was staring to trust her pls let me be happy with her i dont want this pls dont do this to me fuck why did i have to think of this fuck i cant handle this fuck pls no

dammit this is matching fucking everthing. the big fucking pauses, not reading my bio and now this.. i cant believe it. its true isnt it… fuck me….this is what i get for procrastinating on that stupid report, another source of anxiety…..pls come back J.. i miss you

[tvoya-myagkaya-krov]

6/28/2023 2:53am

Hello, My name is Cosmo. Not really, its just been for awhile now, i gave myself the name after watching kengan ashura, where a character named cosmo imai was portrayed as the youngest fighter in the kengan, and called the young prodigy. the reason i resonate with him so much is that in every fight hes in, hes always been beat to wihtin an inch of life, somehow snactching victory from the maw of defeat. i idolized his tenacity, fortitude and determination, aswell as the way he faced everything with a smile in his heart, so i took his name.

it was only around june of 2022 that Cosmo really became a person. It started with an individual named Ares. they were the first person i met upon getting into harlingen, and mind you 2022 was the very first year i began living, outside of just existing. Cosmo has met so many people, made so many friends, Now, a year later, Ares is gone, for good i assume. I threw away a good job and lifestyle for another 7 hours in her presence, and im not sure if i regret it at all. im doomed to die again, i always pick june it seems, to die. Ive been two months unemployed, was served a move out notice about 48 hours ago, and have only one more day to leave what i called my cave. I have no money, and only one glimmering hope that i might be able to get a job out of state with an ild friend through the funds of my family, but nothing is certain. i am afraid, and have never felt more alone. What i will do, i do not know, but i know that i still find myself thinking of you. wondering why you slept with music every night. was it so that your mind would only track the lyrics till you lulled yourself to sleep, so that you didnt have to retrace your thoughts? or did you just need background noise? i wonder if you meant it when you said you dont miss me. i still hurt over us, but i dont have time to grieve over us. i dont have time to grieve for any of my losses, i dont have time at all.

Cosmo might die this year, and im afraid of who i will be after, for Cosmo has given me the best of times so far,

i wonder who athian really is.

im so tired. i feel like i should be freaking out, considering the situation, but i cant bring myself to care. i shouldnt have let it go on this long, i couldve done something to save myself, but instead i feel things so brutally, it damn well incapacitates me so heavily. as if i wore cinderblocks for gloves and shoes, while being strung up by the spine, attached to a meat hook. Why do i feel things so deeply? Why did i have to feel this so deeply? Why was i the only one who felt anything?

sometimes, i wish i was a bird. their life spans are quite short lived, but they are freer then most, not to mention people look at you in awe, envious of your wings, and your ability to just leave. sometimes, i wish i was a bird.

ive been spending time with my friend and their family. i love them. they are all very unique, and the boys remind me of me so much, just in different stages in life. One is a bit of a fool, but just wants to be liked and have friends. The other is rough around the edges, a bit afraid to be less then useful and more then alone, but thats just something we all will face, and im sure he will do okay. They argue often, but always come to even ground and an understanding, and often have mediators. Its nice, not to be in a home where everything falls on one person. My mother just threw me into the river and said "swim". So i learned to swim, alone, cold and more often then not, so very afraid.

My body is so tired. i dont remember a time in my life, where my back, muscles, bones and sinew ever relaxed the way they did when youd rest your hand on my back. Every day, some muscle group was sore. i am constantly tense, and it hurts so much. hot showers dont soothe, not the way your hands would. instead, the water feels like drops of hot oil on sunburnt skin. cold water causes my muscles to tighten, and cramp, and its not at all much better. its usually only a good 15minutes after i get out the shower that my body tenses itself, and again im wondering how long i can keep it up for.

i miss your hands, i miss feeling so safe. being with you, made me feel like i had a planet to protect, and in turn this planet would give me its love and adoration. It was so good while it lasted.

i hope one day, it doesnt feel like i have to actively keep my head up. that i wake up looking forward to the day, rather then the end of it. i hope i get to paint, and sing again. I hope i get to take your pictures again one day, and tell you i messed up just so i can take more. just not today, maybe not tomorrow either, maybe not ever,

hope is all i have right now. i hope i get so much stronger then this, i need to be. i need to survive this, i need to be different, to make it out. by god i will, or go down fucking swinging a lit torch, setting the world ablaze in my rage. i have to live. you have to.

Signing off, Cosmo. See you, space cowboy.

3:32am

FOR THE FUTURE ME READING BACK

hey. i hope you made it out, i really do. if you did, im so fucking proud of you, and thankful for saving me. i know you havent been the best to me, but its okay, i havent been the best to you. well work on it, okay?

and if you didnt, its okay. well figure it out, we always do, right? dont be afraid. be soft, be strong, and be ready.

no matter what happened, i love you, and thank you for still sticking it out, for better or worse.

please dont die, not yet, okay?

we still have to prove them wrong.

[rippeds0cks]

5/27/2023

Im falling apart at the seams physically. My body cant keep up with all the pressure, stress, and work im putting it through. Its to the point where im taking ludicrous amounts of meds to keep it together. My body hurts so fucking bad from my muscles to my tendons to my bones im in pain all day. If i lose focus on whatever motor function im doing (using stairs, walking, running, fighting) i just collapse. Ive been dropping things cause the nerve damage in my hands is progressively getting worse. I deserve it though not only for being a piece of shit and failing those around me but just for my existence. My pops always told me growing up that “guys like us arent supposed to do well or live long” and i guess he was right cause im barely keeping myself in one piece. It’s ok tho cause im living for absolutely nothing right now. If i drop dead a couple people here n there will be sad but theyll soon forget and move on. I dont contribute anything to anyones life so its not like anything crumbles in my absence. Anyways every little detail ive ever known of my ex flooded back into my mind today in the gym and it left me fighting back tears and choking up while working out. Everything from how her old fursona back when she was a furry was a dutch angel dragon, how beautiful she looked everytime i saw her and her face lit up, the one time we were standing in the park at night and she kissed me and said “feels familiar”, how she always wanted to play apex or valorant, and most importantly as for now, how she used to make music. For shits and giggles i decided to go see if her music page was still up and it was. I decided to listen for old times sake and it reminded me of how i never told her how good i thought she was. I went straight to criticism and telling her how to improve it. Idk why im like that. Maybe cause its the way my parents were to me anytime i did anything i dont know. Its no excuse though. Dont get me wrong she still did rookie things like fill syllables with unnecessary curse words or make her vocals too low in the mixing process but its genuinely good music and ive been listening all day. Listening to the lyrics has made me realize how much i failed her. She placed a lot of emphasis and faith on me to help her or value her and i failed. And while my therapist would say something along the lines of “its not your responsibility to carry the burden of her happiness” i dont believe that to be the case at all. I think its something she placed in my hands trusting me and i failed. And that doesnt negate the insane way things ended between us. Her mother is still batshit fucking insane for the next level mental manipulation she did to my ex to make her mental state even more volatile than before. Idk. Maybe its my fault for leaving in the first place. Ive failed her every other way i cant not think i failed her by leaving and making those the only people she spent time around. Back when we first got together shes agree when her mother would say insane shit or treat her bad or her sister would bully her but by the end of it she flat out didnt think those things were happening. I just hope she got therapy like i begged her to so many times. Her ex best friend is a piece of shit though. Texting your best friends ex of almost 5 years the week after they have a nuclear break up confessing your unhealthy obsession from almost 6 years ago is disgusting. I was nice and all in my response because i thought my ex and her were doing it together as like a test of my character but i later found out it was just her disgusting ex best friend. And her reasoning as to why my ex shouldnt have gotten mad was “ive known you longer” no you dumb bitch youve known OF me longer. I didnt speak to you for 5 years you let this middle school crush go to your fucking head. I shared everything, heart and soul, with my ex for four almost 5 years and your disgusting selfish ass thinks you know me better cause we were locker mates in the 8th grade? Truly disgusting insane gross behavior. Anyways heres my exes music

[nusrattalks]

Untitled shit written through March 02, 2023

So the thing with us conscious creators is that, there is no way we can ever dwell in the ‘victim mode’ fpr long periods of time. 

Why? Because, we KNOW how the world works; we KNOW that everyone and everything is simply a mirror of US and our BELIEFS and THOUGHTS and OPINIONS. 

As grateful as I am for this knowing, it is also frustrating as FUCK.

Because right now, and for a few days now, all I feel drawn to do is to hate. To resent. Resentment. Towards certain people who have hurt me so much at a time. Who I believe have manipulated me and taken advantage of my compassion and love. Who used me to push forward their own agenda. 

‘Manipulate.’

That’s the word. It just hit me. That’s the fucking theme. The theme that’s been coming up repeatedly. Again and again for me in the past few months. 

It started with a few shit about my ex coming up. Certain events and incidents.

Literally, one morning in Melbourne, I woke up and felt like i’m in one of those sci-fi movies. You know the ones where they show a scene with all the dots finally connecting for a character? I felt that. 

I opened my eyes, and out of nowhere, every single incident where I was ‘played’ or ‘manipulated’ came up in my head and made sense in a way like never before. 

To the point where I woke my husband up to talk to him. (yes that’s the kind of relationship we have, contrary to popular belief that one shouldnt speak to their current partner about their former partner. You can either read on or cuss me out and judge me and leave, i don’t really give a fuck).

Anyways. I rambled on as he listened and help me in that state. 

And what followed was months of ‘anguish.’ 

Non-stop frustration and anger at myself for being so ‘blind’ to the antiques of my ex; i couldnt (and still cant) make sense of the Nusrat that I AM and the Nusrat that WAS. 

The Nusrat that I AM (or I like to believe I am), doesnt stick around for shit behaviour and shit treatment.

And yet there I was, staying through such shit, toxic behaviour. 

‘Manipulated.’ 

‘Gaslighting.’

There’s another word that came up. Just now.

I mean, it applied to my ex inside my head. 

But the recent memories of some other people in my life who have ‘taken advantage’ of me, before now, ‘gaslight’ didn’t come up for them.

But they did that actually. They did ‘gaslight’ me besides also being ‘manipulative’ as fuck. (Although I’m pissed and mad and in this mode of resenting, I will still put all these labels in speech-marks because, conscious creator. 

And once again, its the same themes coming up for months. 

‘Manipulating’ and ‘Gaslighting.’

Almost like my system is doing a detox of every situation and person who relates to these words. Does that make sense? Who cares even if it doesnt, as long as it does to me. 

So here I am and have been for and have been for a bit now. Mulling over those incidents. Talking about it. Feeling all kinds of ‘yucky’ emotions around it.

And it’s been so hard to show up for myself with compassion and grace and love. I keep wanting to bang my head against the wall for ever allowing this kind of shit show into my life; for ALLOWING people to treat me like this; for ALLOWING treatment of myself to be anything BELOW that of a QUEEN and a FUCKING PRIZE. 

And it’s like...I’ve opened a floodgate after acknowledging these feelings...Like I’ve opened room for God knows what.

Because now I cant stop thinking about it or talking about it.

Also like my system is telling me ‘good on you for finally acknowledging it. Now we can process and let it go once and for all.’

And for the sake of my sanity, my innate nature of being an unconditionally loving and compassionate human being, I fucking hope this is the final process of letting this shit go and for reaching a state of forgiveness for all the individuals I feel so much resentment towards. 

Because, if there’s one thing you should know about me, let it be this: I HATE harbouring anger and grudge and shit. 

[shoppingshoppingshoppingshopping]

Jabber Wappin!

I realized I forgot to write updates ont he last 2 albums! Jeez, Way to be on top of it, dude.

So this new album... is good. Hold on let me hit play while i write whatever comes to mind.

so where was i.... oh, so I wasn't completely sick of it when checking the final mixes/mastering in the car 3 days ago. I've listened to it 3 times since then. Yeah there stuff I still want to fix but I need to move on. I have nearly 5 years of songs to finish!

I checked the file dates on the songs and they were all started in summer of 2018! See, I get new song ideas nearly daily. It's so easy for me to write the chords and tempo for a song and basic vocal melodys. often lyrics too. Starting a new song is so much easier than finishing one. Which is why I am 4 and half years behind on my song backlog. I spend most of my music making time trying to make this stuff sound good. My process is usually this when opening and old session:

Listen back and wait for the first thing to trigger a negative feeling. Then fix it. It's often a bad mix issue like you can't hear the kick drum or the snare sound was awful or I played something really badly or the lyrics are too simple, obvious. Sometimes I'll open up a song and it's all there. Here is where I would segue into talking about "Lawyer, guns and crypto" but let's just go in order.

Its so sad: I think this one might be older than 2018. I recall playing this over and over again on guitar when putting my daughter to bed each night and trying different ideas. At one point I realized my vocal line was a complete ripoff of another song. It was nigh impossible to find something else that worked. When I finally popped this open in november of 2022.. (I think that's when I said, "NO NEW SONGS! FINISH THE NEXT ALBUM!" ?) I was able to approach with fresh ears. Well, that was after listening to the 6 different versions I made of it. The really slow sad one was pretty cool but the least finished and I honestly didn't feel like I have the experience to make that one sound like a "song" rather than some boring collection of sounds. So anyway where was I. I dunno. I have ADHD (officially diagnosed thank you very much). I just checked my winter 2022/2023 folder and It looks like I have 6 songs I started when I declared I wasn't going to make anymore until I finished this album. I nodded to that original vocal melody that I accidentally stole with one line of lyrics on this song. I also added a capo at some point because playing this in C felt too obivous (is F with a high E, C, G they key f C?)

I stay Ho ho: I think this started with me chopping up my nephew saying somthing into the mic. There was a track of him singing chopped up n stuff. I also had my lady do it too. they're all layered and edited on top of each other. There's a quote from a movie in the lyrics. Probably easy to spot for many of you.

Hold me im home: I found 2 versions of this. And just the other day i was playing these chords and started a new song before it hit me that i might have used them before. The other version was similar it just didnt have the dream crystals on it and the lyrics were weak.

Still cant chake that feleing: i think my daughter helped me write the melody for this one because I found a track with her freestyling notes and words. I asked her to come sing on it for real but she refused because "i'm not a music person" Oh really? We litterally play "alexa" where she asks for a made up song title and then freestyles a whole new song on the spot nearly everytime we're in the car. I love the dembow sorta beat in this one.

let me alone: man i love that dreamy sound on top. That's an ebow and a slide and some pedals and a guitar of course. I liked the old timey way of say "leave me a lone" I think fred norris of the howard stern had a drop from an old marlon brando movie where he would say it like this.

Lawyers guns and money: this was my favorite song but Keith told me I shouldnt start with it. I just love the narrative about trust fund crypto bros going to columbia and ripping off prostitutes not realzing they're now in the targets of the cartel. Daddy is a senator and needs to send the aformentioned lawyers guns and crypto to save these little shitheals. And yes I am referencing the warren zevon song here. Felt like its a modern update to the idea i think his song is about. I dunno. ive deliberately avoided the song to not be influenced. i guess now that its done I can se how they compare

I pooped on your drums: I have no memory of making this but when I opened the session there was a recording of me telling different kids to say this into a mic. I doubt it was my idea at first. Whenever kids come over they always want to make music. This was originally a trap beat until I heard some bmore/jersey club and thought "oh this would be way better for that song". It took maybe an hour or 2 to whip this into shape.

Ok, so: a crime song. i can write lyrics about crime and corruption so easily sometimes. I just start seeing the movie in my head and write what comes out. Making the words rhyme however is so much harder. the lyrics were hard to tell even soloing the vocal tracks. They're my best guess for my mumbly mouth and what it says. Looks like I just freestyled this one right off the dome as there were no edits at all and nothing was written in the lyrics.txt file in the folder. Other than doubling the solo and giving it a better mix this one was pretty much done. oh and i added the end lyrics during this latest round of finishing

keith, no 1: kieth is my unoficial producer. i send him the songs (not soon enough) to get feedback. i really should do it earlier in the process as he has good ears and great ideas. when he told me he was going to be a dad i thought "dude, you're not gonna be ready for this" and tried to put it in a song that used chords from a song he wrote. which i think was called "gay racists" or something? I dont even remember just that that title is somehow linked to a song idea he sent me. Maybe that his title? Im just guessing. As I am listening back to the song as I type I hear how this is kind of U2 joshua tree era thing. a lot of my references just come out and I dont cacth them until much later. And yeah keith said I could use his 4 chords on the first section.

Look whos trying: my friend meets sent me a song he was working on and I whipped up the front part of this for him to sing on. We never finished it. When i went back this winter to finish thse songs I found it i tried to see if I could write something new to it and it worked! so its his chords for the first half. i recorded and played everything. He gave me permission to use it. His melody and lyrics are different and likely better. IIRC his first line was "drinking, stinking and never thinking" or somehing like that. The end is all me. Thanks for the permish, meets!

I shoulda kept more notes because I think i had help on one of these from someone else. Probably my lady since I love her voice and ideas. She's always giving me better lyric ideas and melody tweaks.

oh now i remember. Will helped me using AI to generate the characters on the cover. Everything else was me except the dudes will helped with. He and Jaime provided feedback on the design. Thanks dudes!

The title is a quoe aunt em says in the wizard of oz. we were watching it the other night (spolier: its kind of creepy) when she yells "quit yer jabber wapping and get back to work!". I immediately grabbed my note book and wrote it down hoping to gather more good words and quotes but we didnt finish it because it got way to scary for the kid.

[tia-saharaaasstuff]

And sometimes

i do get sea sick of feeling the

High and low waves crashing of everyone outside

Maybe i can fix this,

Years of freezing,

they end up fleeting

After they practice their right to tell me who i am

This is not me..

why I need

to be one of the kind

Inner Stand in

the storms we come to realize

Only after our sadness takes off its angry disguise

Watching the peices fly

Musics so loud

Cant handle hearing you sigh

I hate you, I love you.

Bc i know what its like to feel denied

Thats all i knew.

Maybe id be safer if i let my light die,

I cant dissapoint if i dont have a voice that could lie.

But i stayed..quiet..with my inner riots

"Sometimes i just feel like only you understand."

Most of the time

i feel guilty,

for thinking that maybe i can find some peace,

being alone ,

I know most dont see a choice and i seem greedy

But im so tired.

Of worrying about how they damn me if i do

and Damn me if i dont .

So i wont be around waiting for you to decide

Whether you like me today or found a new bone.

They say , "Just when things went right, it doesnt mean they were always wrong."

So i left,

Convinced by a Love so perfect, nothing said

The one i used to proudly refuse,

Unconditonal it stood by

waiting for the moment

when it caught me in embrace after i jumped off this burning bed

Free will, hardest lesson i was taught

Forget it, do what you want

There is always a choice

Where most get caught

Am i wrong for feeling extra safe when the doors got three locks?

What I NEED has been yellimg at ME from

behind each broken dream

Slowly fading frozen in time

I left her behind

All her love,  its all mine.

She was only six,

She was only nine

self hate was a pain

I used to use to get me high

The way you talk to eachother

It didnt come natural,

it was taught

We wonder why we fought

Their battles

Little soldiers

All you wanted was to make beats with your rattles

Raised on Guard

Nows too sensitive

Cover Sold to control

Its fine if you think about what you know

I am free,

not any of the me's you thought

This Love started a Fire and we the melting pots

The Great Flood

Bring us home ,womb waters

Dark nights

Turn to

Watch the warm Sun Rise 

Thankyou Saturn,

This Heart you made strong

This mind you trained over matter. 

One day ill come back

With rivers of hope

Able to Love

Without giving out peices of my

Soul.

You thought were crumbs

portion controlled

I was told, you shouldnt be so much

So i became less condensed

I gave what little i had left

To see you believe again

Id do it all over

Bc now i see the power

In ALL the wallflowers.

Lord i Pray for courage to stay in Love

Practice makes progress

I think id like to laugh more and say less

I laugh in awe of all the connectedness

And when im nervous

I mean excited , same difference

-SCR

1/4/2023

(This night was really beautiful, it started off with being tired, i saw a video that let me express my anger in a healthy way, then i heard another, with a verse that at the core i felt it said, "why not me?" And this was the backgroumd song. Somehow when i write i always snd up making analogies to water, i am a water sign/water placements, and the whole time i wrote this i listened to this song. Relating to the song by thinking about my younger self and my relationships with other people but mostly how i let myself down and how i am being patient with forgiving myself for having fragile boundaries. Letting go of old habits, and old belief habits. Then when i went to screenshot this song bc i like to attach feelings to feelings. Adding background music is a must if i can. Coming to realize the short video on this song was the most perfect. From vizuals to the words. Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou. All love, always 💞