#its 2 am i shouldn't be having this crisis right now

[box-dwelling]

The seven gives me weird gender feelings

[kaija-rayne-author]

Review 2 in series for Dragon Age Veilguard

Spoilers for Veilguard

First part of review series is below.

I'm not an asshole disclaimer (same as the first one, if you read that, you can just skip down to the cut.)

Something came to my attention. I need to make it crystal clear that I utterly love the diversity in DAV. It's fantastic. I'm also a heavily left leaning, non-binary, queer as fuck reviewer, editor, and author.

I'm on media blackout while I play this, so I'm only getting second-hand info on how awful it is right now in the DA Fandom. Please be safe and take care of yourselves. Arguing with incels and white supremacists is completely pointless. They sea lion worse than an actual sea lion. Your mental health is important.

Though, every single time the anti-queer brigade comes out for a new DA game, I sit there thinking 'have you bozos ever played any DA game, like, ever?' My guess is nope.

9 hours in, 7 hours playtime.

Negative review

While I'm incredibly grateful that I can play this game, because I really hope the story actually starts soon, (yes, I said it, the pacing on this is terrible, and I'm both an editor and a writer, I have a clue). I hate to say... I am soooo glad I didn't buy it. Or I'd be demanding a refund. I didn’t actually look at the price tag, but it must’ve been around $80 Canadian. Given our cost of living crisis, that's obscene but whatever. Games are expensive.

It's just not worth that much in its current state. Sure. Games on release often have bugs. I kinda hate spending money to be an unpaid beta tester. BG3 had nowhere near as many.

My computer comes down right around the middle of the minimum and recommended specs. DA4 doesn't even make it get hot like BG3 makes it. So I'm really thinking glitchy game vs computer issues. Considering I'm not the only one it's happening to... welp. (I looked the glitch up, it's pretty common.)

5 out of 10 loads, my character glitches back to the stock elf body. And if I continue playing, it corrupts my saves and they won't load. It has also happened mid-battle, too. So I have to figure out which save to go back to before the glitch bit. Which, without pics in the save files is fun /s.

'Balanced' play isn’t. I play on tactician/hard in most games. I'm on balanced, and keep fucking dying. TBH I'm not extremely awesome with the controls and moves yet, but I'm not bad either. I honestly just think the bad guys are too overpowered (way too fast, hit too hard, and it takes too long to break their armour) for beginning levels. And yes, I have my Rook in the best armour I currently have. Maybe if I could carry more than 3 potions, it wouldn't matter as much, but IDEK man.

And you know what isn't actually any fun in games? Dying a lot. Also? Having to drop my difficulty level for regular bad guys less than ten hours into the game. It's still teaching me moves ffs, so is sorta the tutorial. I'm not a 'get gud' type. I think that's ridiculous. Gaming is supposed to be fun. If it makes it more fun to drop the level for a boss fight or whatever, more power to you. But I usually don't have to until end-game material. If I have to at all. It's honestly pretty rare. Load time is ridiculous, so every time an over-powered not-a-fucking-darkspawn slams my rogue (which I swear shouldn't be possible, I know how to fight with rogues, they're my first and favourite class), I get creamed because I'm bloody stuck in a place I shouldn't get stuck in.

I know they had testing on this. Wasn't that why the date was pushed back? My memory isn't great since COVID but I think I might’ve seen that somewhere.

Solavellans will likely be disappointed in the first seven hours. You see Solas twice. He may as well not even be in the game.

And I really hate to say this, but I'm just bored. I wasn’t itching to play it like I usually am with good games. (If a game catches me up, it's about the only thing I want to do.) I still loaded it up tonight, didn’t have anything better to do. (Because I'd probably have done that instead.) I'm mostly playing so I know what happens in the story myself. And I was hoping we'd get some answers to all this lore that lives in my head, rent free. So, whatever, I'm still hoping it will catch me up. I'll keep playing in hopes we actually get something resembling a story at some point soon.

And the number of editorial errors is ridiculous. Both developmental and copy.

'Cause bodies can't decompose in the Anderfels? Because nothing external lives there? Granted, I have specialized knowledge there (former forensic anthropologist) but, that isn't remotely how decomp works.

Does your 3 week old raw hamburger not rot because it was in a cold, dark place without any external decomposers? (My 17 year old knew the correct answer to that, so did my 12 year old.)

The primary forms of humanoid/mammalian decomposition come from inside us. Bugs don't even start showing up for a bit. Why do you think bodies bloat? Our gut bacteria going wild. Why do you think bodies are routinely embalmed? No bugs (usually) in a funeral home or morgue either.

And y'know? I actually outright told Epler on Twitter (before it went to complete hell) that he needed a better editor or 4 after playing DAI. And DAV already has more editorial issues than I noticed in the whole first half of DAI. Way to prove my point.

I'm an exacting editor. I'm pretty good at it. And I don't expect perfection in anything. Perfectionism is a trauma response, after all. But so many errors so soon? Really?

I'm not even getting into the story issues. Because I'm still hoping we actually, y'know, get to a story? And if I'm really lucky? That story will cover some of the glaring errors.

But so far? I'm not impressed. I've never, since I started playing DA games, been fucking bored.

Next one is here:

[not-available-for-comment]

Reading your wastewater post makes me, another person who has always been interested of the historical ways humans got rid of their waste, wish more people can tell me more facts. I know it is also sad that most ignore this part of society but if more people knew about it would help alleviate some of the modern water crisis issues. And how people to this day do not have safe ways of disposing human waste. Like my question mostly is that human waste used to be such a good compost but does eating certain things and medicines contaminate it so it’s unusable as such?

As a former entomologist as well I always wondered if dung beetles would be interested in human dung as well…

I watched a video on YouTube about how night soil men existed until the 20th century in Japan. It’s just a fascinating topic to me.

Hey hey! Sorry it took me a while to get to this. I am both 1) very behind on asks 2) often short on spoons. But nightsoil and "humanure" are interests of mine too, and I have some time to kill, so let's see what we can cover!

First of all, composting toilets are totally a thing, and common in RVs and off-grid housing. Here's a decent guide to using commercially purchased models, and here's one that focuses on building and using a homemade composting toilet. Note that both sources say to use the resulting compost on non-edible plants only. I would tend to strongly agree with this. Even municipal wastewater plants, which have the ability to monitor the composting process very intensely and precisely, can struggle to make food-grade compost with their waste. It's not impossible, and I'd be really interested to know if there is something fundamentally different about the nightsoil process that makes it easier, but for your average Joe in a non-nightsoil culture I'd say it's an excellent rule of thumb.

There are some additional considerations when using humanure on food crops. In cultures that have good access to oral medication, we are discovering that some oral medicines can end up in wastewater in high enough concentrations to affect the environment. I don't necessarily consider that a reason not to use humanure at all, but it's an additional reason why I wouldn't necessarily want to put it directly on my lettuce. Speaking of lettuce, there is some evidence that E. coli, particularly the O157 strain, has the ability to actually penetrate the cells of some lettuces, so applying possibly extra-germy compost to leafy greens in particular is a no for me, dawg. (I know this is older research, so if any biologists/botanists/food safety people want to chime in please feel free.)

That said, I don't think that saying humanure shouldn't be used on food crops is the same as saying it's useless. Trees are a potential beneficiary. I would personally feel comfortable using it in soil restoration in an area where I didn't plan to grow food crops for several years. (Though you'd have to be careful not to contaminate drinking water or nearby food crops when you applied it.) I'd use it in a flower garden in a heartbeat. Flowers and ornamentals are important to the human spirit even if you can't eat them (setting aside for now the ones you can...).

As an interesting aside, human urine is actually much more useful and easily treated on its own than it is after it's been mixed with *polite cough* solid waste. Every so often a designer comes out with a toilet intended to separate the two at, er, point of origin so that they can be treated differently. (The difficulty of course being that the rest of the wastewater collection system is not set up to separate them, and is significantly more costly and time-consuming to update than a toilet.)

That said, urine is fascinating in its own right as well. It may be safer to apply aged urine than treated wastewater as a fertilizer, in part because aged urine breaks down into ammonia. One of my favorite uses of aged urine/ammonia is in cycling new aquaponics systems to encourage them to develop the beneficial microbe base they need to run as a self-sustaining system. I also suspect that a lot of gross-out recipes for various older cloth and leather treatment processes, like turkey red, that "even included human urine!" were not the result indiscriminate pissing on your work but a chemically sound application of ammonia or similar compounds. (Any bigger dye nerds than me who want to weigh in PLEASE do!)

Having rambled a bit, I think my most succinct answer to your question is that there is tremendous potential in using human waste as fertilizer, but western culture has largely rejected it for so long that we just don't have the scientific basis (or, possibly, the cultural memory) to consistently produce food-safe compost from it *at this time*. I'm super excited to see how much interest there has been in changing this over the past 10-ish years that I've been vaguely involved with the industry, but I don't think we're at the point where it's usable *in that specific capacity* just yet. That said, even if you're not applying it to food crops, I think it's always worthwhile to learn more about where the industry is going and what the latest research is. I genuinely consider this such an exciting and fast-moving field, and I'm always excited to meet people who are interested in learning more!

Thanks for the ask!

[the-fandom-hopping-mage]

thoughts on the special #2

this was fun last time so why not do it again

i had to double check that i was watching the right show cause it was in the wrong time period then I remembered that its a show about time travel and aliens

not to be racist but I feel like that guy shouldn't be black if its the past

apple tree OH its newton got it

I like her she reminds me of ms hudson. shes probably not his housekeeper either

okay its definitely newton

of COURSE. omg I've done it I've solved the secrets of the univ-HOLY SHIT WAS THAT A FLYING PHONE BOOTH WHAT THE F- *its raining apples from out of the sky apples no need to ask why*

honestly relatable, doctor you gotta stop traumatising people in the past

OH MY GOD HES SO PROUD OF HER "THIS IS MY FRIEND!! DONNA, MY FRIEND DONNA NOBLE!! WHO IS HERE WITH ME!! WHO SPILLED COFFEE, AND NOW WE'RE HERE ON ANOTHER ADVENTURE!! DONNA NOBLE!!"

"So he can blame me for all eternity." these two are so cute old married couple fr (platonic)

DOCTORDAVID ILY YOU ARE ADORABLE look how excited he is to meet him

spoilers~

the GRAVITY of the SITUATION oh my god i love donna so much

oh my GOD its MAVITY (its giving Mawage)

was i too busy getting excited in the first special to notice the new theme??? its so cool woah the tardis is doing flips

oh flickering lights that's never good that's how the angels get ya

DOCTOR WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER OH MY GOD IS SHE OKAY

sir you have some apologizing to do after all she's done for you and you light her on fire every chance you get no wonder she threw you out last regeneration

lol the tardis was so pissed at him she became american

ye you should be sorry apologize to her for blowing her up

no DONNA its a non-sonic screwdriver obviously

why the FUK are you YELLING at it jesus christ someone needs to teach this man stranger danger especially since 80% of the creatures they meet try to kill them

donna: No i need to be the Voice of Reason doctor: ..... donna: yeah okay you're right lets go to questionably safe activities

Mavity, Mavity. Mavity is wot bwings us to Earf today. Mavity, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam-

oh no its a wall

Donna: Wait you didn't know? All of us knew, you were the fruitest fruit loop we'd ever met the writers are just allowed to be controversial now

these two Idiots (affectionate)

Yes, the tardis took advantage of your absence and turned Common Sense Protocol back on, obviously someone needed to

if a very slow robot is trying to walk down a very long corridor i feel like the best plan of action is to see what its walking towards not what its walking away from??

why are there no stars are they inside dark matter or smth

OR THE END OF THE UNIVERSE HELLO AGAIN YANA

oh wormhole well I guess that's cool too

okay you say 'oh no its the edge of the universe' literally all the time I'm not that scared anymore

that pose is so silly why are you standing like that

oh Fuck its a Thing

'just settling' with your luck its a weeping angel or some shit

the change in his voice when they went into the echoy room gave me a heart attack I thought it was a new person

DUDE its giving the same vibes as "Is this perfume or alcohol? *drinks whole bottle* it's perfume"

good lord this man is an idiot

iTs A nOiSe with YOUR luck?????? learn from your friends sir she's got common sense

these guys are being way too blase about the drastic temperature shift it might just be my Awareness Of The Genre but I do think they should be more concerned

oh em gee its creepy mimicks that's weird (dude the donna mimic isn't even remotely realistic like the doctor mimic was pretty good had me fooled but she comes in like "I have done what you ordered. I am a robot.")

I swear. This man. Isn't he supposed to be clever or smth

EW

why is the steering wheel shaped like a sandal

This man's typecast is literally Sad Gay Men why are they ALWAYS so SAD

I think the doctor currently having an existential crisis is the Real doctor with Fake donna and the one without the tie is the Fake doctor with Real donna

#nope its not her

#called it

he looks so betrayed how can she not immediately start apologizing look at that face

The Real Genius of This Show: DONNA NOBLE, everybody, round of applause for donna noble

jesus these things' life goal is to bring up all their insecurities isn't it

oh my god give this man a break

okay the last time you(r face) encountered a copying alien, it very nearly succeeded by stealing your voice. Maybe that's a good hint to Shut Up???? Its gonna keep stealing your thouuuuughts

how to stop thinking: knock her out. you don't think (consciously) if your unconscious. just hit her over the head if you both live she'll thank you in the end

WITH THE KNOCKS TOO if this is midnight 2.0 I swear-

BUT NOW YOURE GIVING THEM THE COMPLETED VERSIONS OF YOU ON A SILVER PLATTER YOU ABSOLUTE DUMBASS

the way that's framed it very nice the stunt double and the actor can be in the same shot since their faces arent together

that's not therapeutic that's self destructive

Go Converse Go Converse You Can Do It

wait if those guys aren't matter and they absorb heat why wouldn't the bomb just feed them I feel like there are flaws in this plan

That is a Fabulous entrance bravo tardis have you ever perhaps considered musical theatre I promise you would have to deal with fewer dumbasses who like to blow you up

its a skateboard woo eeeeeee

ok saved donna is not excited enough at all I'm suspicious (and if its real donna I'm concerned)

did he just kill his best friend for the second time

he owes the tardis and donna SO many apologies after this

idk if its the music or the doctors influence but it is sad that those two died (if they did I still think they didn't)

✨Trauma Buddies✨

You idiot if you've got a feeling its probably right its always right with you

c'mon bestie spill your trauma

"I'm alright""Is that special time lord code for 'really not alright at all'? 'Cause I'm alright, too." ah how far we've come *wipes tear*

imagine being wilf and for the past 15 years you've been sure you killed one of your best friends and NOW HES BACK

in crying

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN TWO GODDAMN DAYS GOOD LORD

wow Grammarly really doesn't like my tumblr grammar

the end

[smute]

you know what? i am just so glad that we dont have to worry about the climate crisis anymore. apparently it has all been resolved and honestly, it is so so good to see that everything is normal and the world makes sense. i have to see my thesis supervisor in january. a flight from hamburg to stuttgart with a stopover in munich is both cheaper and quicker than a train ticket for the same dates 6 weeks from now. it just makes sense! i swear it makes sense. haha 😀 i could fly to london ON FRIDAY (that is the day after tomorrow) for €28,39 (granted, with ryanair, or i could wait until next week and fly with a real airline, BA, for €60 😃) but it would cost me anywhere from €12 to €25 just to get to the airport half an hour from my house. (half an hour by car that is. two hours by train lmao) i was also thinking about visiting my dad sometime between xmas and new years. sure, it's a busy travel week, so €121,80 for two train tickets doesn't seem too bad, right? only for €137 i can book a return flight with lufthansa. and that's 50 minutes on a plane vs 4+ hours on a train. 😌 what a world we live in! i mean honestly, they could PAY me €137 and i still wouldn't book a domestic flight. this is germany, not fucking australia. but please explain to me how any of this makes sense. you cant. because it doesnt. but yeah. it's even more infuriating with intra-european travel, and especially travel between mainland europe and the uk. like isn't it so wonderful that the channel tunnel is treated like some sort of carnival ride and you have to include 1-2 hours of check-in time in your itinerary because eurostar have delusions of grandeur and make you take off your shoes airplane style and also close their ticket gates 30 min before departure so they can sell you overpriced coffee and sandwiches? isnt that fun? like come on be serious for a moment. its a train. choo choo bitch why is your platform walled off? it shouldn't take a degree in international relations and 5-7 years professional experience in passenger transport for me to book a train from redacted germany to london england and yet here we are. i mean right now you can't even book eurostar trains via deutsche bahn directly lmao, and if you do a silly little preisermittlung, DB will charge you more for the eurostar train than what you'd pay if you booked the eurostar train directly on the eurostar website (rofl even) so of course you buy two separate tickets. but then if you arrive late in amsterdam or brussels or paris and maybe get stuck in the security or uk border control lines eurostar will just close the gates on you and go whoopsie ha ha bummer you have two separate tickets did you really think 2 hours transfer time was enough lol. and even if all of your trains happen to be on time and you do make the connection in a-dam/brussels/paris, you have to be so generous with your planning that you end up turning what could have been a 7 hour train journey into a day-long ordeal.

[commandstripper]

Phantom Liberty

I have been playing Cyberpunk since launch and have been a staunch defender of it. The glitches were all on the consoles or PC's that shouldn't be playing it. There was a ton of effort and care put into this game. I have done 10 playthroughs and have amassed 355 hours in the game. The themes of this game cover many political and social issues related to hyper capitalism. There is also amazing cultural representation! There is even a trans woman who has a great quest.

I was so excited about Phantom Liberty because the story addressed topics I have personally struggled with. I have a business degree and originally was excited to do a career in economic politics or owning a business. I even at one point wanted to be President of the USA. Now however I am a staunch anti capitalist and vehemently dislike the political structures in the US and how they cause harm to the most marginalized of people. I also had enlisted in the US air force during high school. I was never given the opportunity to serve because Donald Trump had banned the enlistment of trans people in the military. I feel this is for the better however because I was able to access a career field I truly care about. The cherry on top of the DLC is that its a super spy thriller. I love this genera and have watched and read many of Ian Flemings' James Bond Novel based media. I wrote my own super spy setting for D&D and am working on its 2nd expansion right now.

These are some photos I took during my playthrough (admittedly pretty late into it). I really think CD Projekt Red really improved their lighting aesthetics. I also had a lot of fun making outfits.

In my first ever playthrough of the game I got the "Where Is My Mind" ending. Which sees you being fucked over by corporations. I played a corpo and instead of rejecting cooperate control I embraced it. This made Johnny kick and scream the whole way. I figured out that characters like Misti and Johnny are the story tellers way of speaking to us. They however only talk to you after you have made the decisions. I decided to do another capitalism lover in my Phantom Liberty playthrough. I don't fully understand why I prefer playing these characters. I think it feels like a safe space for me to grapple with these topics and experiment with what I would do in these situations. I LOVED the "bad" ending for the DLC. With all of the other endings in the base game V is unable to find a cure. In this one you ARE able to find a cure! Which is so freaking refreshing.

After the credits there was like an extra 1.5 hours of gameplay. Instead of just saying "you fucked up" it was like yeah you did fuck up and hurt a lot of people but heres how you move forward with that. My favorite moment in the whole game was seeing Misti 2 years after. It felt like I was a character in her story rather than being a main character. This ending is called "Things Done Changed". The themes explored in this portion felt extremely relevant for me. I had a major mental health crisis earlier in the year and I have been spending the rest of year trying to piece together what exactly happened to me and how it has changed me. This story ultimately had an extremely uplifting message. I even tried the other ending-"Who Wants to Live Forever"- which was emotionally a lot less challenging and is one of the rare endings which doesn't end your actual playthrough (which I have always kind of been annoyed by). And its not even like the ending didnt happen either I have multiple quests that happen afterwards because of the events of the story.

All this to say I had a ton of fun. Please enjoy the photos

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He estado jugando Cyberpunk desde la lanzamiento y he estado un defensor acérrimo a la. Todos los fallos estaben todos en el consolas o en los computadoras que no debería ser jugando lo. Habia un tonelada de esfuerzo y cuidado pone en ese video juego. Yo he hecho diez juego completos y he acumulado trescientos cincuenta y cinco horas en la video juego. Los temas de esa video juego cubren muchos temas poltico y sociales relacionada a hipercapatalismo. Tambien hay representation culturalista asombrosa! Hay incluso una mujer de trans que tengas una busqueda. 

Era emocionada para Libertad Fantasma porque la estoria se hablo a temas yo he lucho con. Yo tengo un licenciatura de negocio y originalmente era emocionada a aser un carrera economica politica o ser dueno de un negotio. Yo incluso en un momento quiero a ser la presidente de los estado unidos. Pero ahora soy un acerrimo anticapitalista y con vehemencia disgusto los structitur politicos en la estados unidos y como ellos causar dano los personas mas marganalizas. Yo tambien he enlisto en la estados unidos fuerza aarea durante escuela secundaria. Nunca me dieron la oportunidad a atender porque Donald Trump habia prohibido la enlisto de personas trans en la militaria. Siento que esto es para la mejor sin embargo porque pude acceder un campo ocupacional que realmente me importa. La cereza encima de la contenido descargable es un suspenso espiar supur. Me encanta la genero y he ver y lear machas  de las libros de Ian Flemings James Bond. Escribe mi propia estoria de super para D&D y estoy trabajando en mi secunda ahora. 

Eso son photographias que yo tome duranta mi juegos completos (es cierto que bastante tarde). Yo realmente pienso CD Projekt Red mejorada la aestheticas de luzes. Tambien me diverti mucho haciendo trajes.

En mi primera juego completas yo obtener la “Donde esta mi mente” finale. Que te ve siendo jodido por los corperations. Jugo de un corpo y en cambio de rechazando control corporativo, yo abrace lo. Eso hecho johnny patear y gritar todo el camino. Yo descubierto esa caracteres como Misti y Johnny son los contadora de historias hablante con nosotras. Ellos sin embargo solamente habla con tu despues de haber tomado las decisiones. Yo decidió a hacer un otro amante de capitalista en mi Libertad Fantasma juego completas. No entiendo completamente porque yo preferir este caracteres. Creo que para mi es un espacio seguro para abordar estos temas y experimentar lo que haria en estas situaciones. AMO la “mal” finale para la contenido descargable. Todo los otra finales en la video juego base, V no puede encontrar una curar. En este tu PUEDES  encontrar una curar! Lo cual es tremendamente refrescante.

Despues los creditos habia uno y trenta horas extras como se juega. En lugar de simplemente decir "la cagaste", fue como "sí, la cagaste y lastimaste a mucha gente, pero así es como sigues adelante con eso". Mi momente favorita de toda el juego fue ver a misti dos anos despues. Se sentia como si fuera una caricatura en ellas estoria en vez de siendo un personaje principal. Este final es llamada “Cosas Hecho Cambiado” (potencialmente suena mejor en inglés). Los temas exploradas en esta parte me parecieron  extremadamente relevantes. Tuve una importante crisis de salud mental a principios de año y pasé el resto del año tratando de reconstruir qué me pasó exactamente y cómo me ha cambiado. En última instancia, esta historia tenía un mensaje extremadamente alentador. Incluso probé el otro final, "Quién quiere vivir para siempre", que fue mucho menos desafiante emocionalmente y es uno de los raros finales que no termina tu partida real (lo cual siempre me ha molestado). Y ni siquiera es como si el final no hubiera sucedido. Tengo múltiples misiones que suceden después debido a los eventos de la historia.

Todo esto para decir que me divertí muchísimo. Por favor disfruta las fotos

Después de los créditos hubo como 1,5 horas extra de juego. En lugar de simplemente decir "la cagaste", fue como "sí, la cagaste y lastimaste a mucha gente, pero así es como sigues adelante con eso". Mi momento favorito de todo el juego fue ver a Misti 2 años después. Me sentí como si fuera un personaje de su historia en lugar de un personaje principal. Este final se llama "Cosas hechas cambiadas". Los temas explorados en esta parte me parecieron extremadamente relevantes. Tuve una importante crisis de salud mental a principios de año y pasé el resto del año tratando de reconstruir qué me pasó exactamente y cómo me ha cambiado. En última instancia, esta historia tenía un mensaje extremadamente alentador. Incluso probé el otro final, "Quién quiere vivir para siempre", que fue mucho menos desafiante emocionalmente y es uno de los raros finales que no termina tu partida real (lo cual siempre me ha molestado). Y ni siquiera es como si el final no hubiera sucedido. Tengo múltiples misiones que suceden después debido a los eventos de la historia.

Todo esto para decir que me divertí muchísimo. Por favor disfruta las fotos

so sorry for the quality of the translation. Losiento para la calidad de la translacion

[gyucore]

long live the king

pairing: mage!hueningkai x noble!reader

tags: fluff, royalty au, friends to lovers, hueningkai can do magic

word count: 3.3k

prompts:

011: "May I have this dance?"

019: "I don't think anyone could ever be as lovely as you."

020: "You look incredible in that."

Tonight had been advertised as the night to end all nights— a masquerade ball held by the king at the palace, and a brightly lit ballroom decorated with gold and the continent's finest silk, adorning the kingdom's rose insignia. Entertainers and musicians positioned around the vicinity to perform their best acts and tunes, and the gates were left wide open to welcome everyone who wanted to join in, given that they tried their best to dress for the occasion.

Today was an event open to all the kingdom's citizens, from high seated nobles to common men by the streets, everyone was welcome to participate in the king's annual ball. However, that fact didn't matter for a family such as yours. Your father was the Marquess, which meant that you were invited to every single ball or gathering held by the nobility for the nobility. At least, that was how it had been until the incident.

The peering eyes of both the nobles and commoners alike have left you frozen on your spot by the pillar. Your bright red ball gown, although beautiful, was not helping you hide away from the eyes of the crowd. It was evident they were all thinking the same thing.

The unfortunate daughter of a fallen marquess.

News had gotten out about your family's crisis and had spread to the public like a disease. The Grand Marquess losing money, property, and power: The fall of a great noble. The story made headlines for weeks on end— rumors mixing in with the truth, and eventually, everyone had drawn the same conclusion. Pitiful.

You worry about your parents at the other end of the room, doing their best to mingle with the other nobles. The heavy atmosphere was weighing down on your chest.

Closing your eyes and taking a deep breath, you try to think of the things that calmed you down: the rustic smell of old books at the public library, the warm feeling you'd get when the rays of sunlight touch your skin as you sit by the window with your face buried deep into your favorite classic, the bright smile the common mage boy would give you everytime you crossed paths—

"Wow."

A familiar voice brings you back from your thoughts.

"You look incredible in that." The same bright smile you'd envisioned earlier now stood in front of you.

You gaze in awe at the man before you, dressed in what you could only describe as the most beautiful and elegant ensemble you'd seen tonight. The way the white suit hugged his waist left little room for the imagination. You doubt even the king himself could top this off.

"Lady Y/N. I believe fate must have brought us together in this fine evening." The man gently bends down, taking your hand and planting a kiss so fleeting that you barely felt it. Even with the golden mask on, you could easily tell who it was.

"Kai.."

"Ah, and here I was hoping I'd be a little more mysterious tonight." Kai holds back his laughter as he gazed upon you once more. You can't help but do the same.

Tonight, he looked nothing of a common mage but that of a king himself. If you hadn't known him beforehand, you would've mistaken him as so, especially with tonight's main event— the reveal of the king's successor. But alas, what the mage boy had going on for him was merely for appearances. A commoner like him could never be king in a world where even dreaming of becoming one was considered to be of highest absurdity.

"I thought you said you weren't attending?"

Kai shrugs, folding his hands behind his back. "And refuse my lady when you so graciously asked me out?"

His response catches you off guard. "I don't recall ever asking you anything of that sort."

"You asked if I'd attend."

"And that counts as asking you out?"

Kai chuckles. "When you asked me with such a cute look on your face, it was difficult to think you weren't looking forward to me being here."

And he was right. Given your circumstances, Kai being here with you was like a breath of fresh air. You'd been praying all night that he'd magically arrive to help you take your mind off of things, and you felt like crying out in joy when he actually did.

Kai looks around, seemingly getting a sense of the pressure you were in. "Shall we take a stroll around the garden, my lady?"

You follow his line of sight and spot the royal garden just outside the window. "I'll let you accompany me if you drop the whole my lady business."

Kai purses his lips as he takes your hand in his. "Can't you let me be fancy for one night?"

Every moment you'd spent with Kai up until this point had been the highlight of your days. As the daughter of the Marquess, you'd spent most of your time holed up inside your manor. Women barely got any education aside from the usual classes on manners and societal etiquette, and that included nobles as well. But that never stopped you. Once a week, when the guards changed shifts by the gate, and the maids and butlers were all busy with the weekly general cleaning, you'd take the opportunity to slip out in disguise, undetected by anyone. The main goal was to get to the public library and obtain access to educational material— ones that didn't involve any prim and proper rubbish that you've read over a thousand times.

The first time outside was rather difficult. You barely managed to get inside the library's more educational section while passing as a man. However, every succeeding attempt became easier and easier until coming out in secret and gaining access didn't seem like that much of a hassle anymore.

At the library, you were free to read any book you want, and used this opportunity to brush up on some business and economics as well as some of the basic sciences. You spent the first few months stocking up on knowledge until you felt it fine to relax a little and start reading novels to pass the time without the help of a disguise.

There was a section in the library that you hadn't checked; one that you'd deemed unnecessary as it only contained children's literature. It wasn't until you'd heard the sound of a man's voice followed by children's laughter that you felt compelled enough to take a peek.

"And then, the dragon swooped down onto the village and attacked the innocent villagers! ROARRR. Breathing fire as hot as, well, uh— FIRE!"

You slipped up and giggled at the young man's amusing narration, piping down a bit after realizing that he had noticed you from behind the shelves, throwing a knowing smirk your way.

It was then that he pulled down his cloak. Wavy brown locks gracefully reaching the back of his neck, bright eyes that could make any person let their guard down— he looked around your age which made you feel more at ease.

The young man steps back, dramatically breathing fire out of his mouth as the children cheered. Some were yelling at him to continue until only smoke came out, and you swore you heard one of them ask if he could make the fire turn green. Ridiculous, you think. But you were no different from these children, only being able to stand there in awe at the young man's trick. Perhaps turning the fire green wasn't such a terrible idea.

You've heard of mages among the commoners before, and had met a few that visited your manor but this was the first time you'd seen one in action. The flames that came out of his mouth looked awfully hot but the young man didn't even blink or showed any signs of pain.

He stops the fire and clears his throat, now kneeling down to face the children. "The villagers were worried sick! What would happen to their crops, their produce, their livelihood? If only a hero would come along and save them!" He makes an overly exaggerated wail before gasping.

"Well, who do we have here? A warrior has come to save the villagers!" The young man points at your direction and you feel your blood run cold as all the children in the room had turned their attention towards you, hopeful.

"A young maiden has arrived to slay the evil dragon!"

You quickly shake your head at his statement, holding your arms out in a cross. "No, kids. Don't believe what this man says. I am not a warrior, and I'm certainly not here to slay any dragons"

The young man raises a brow, getting up from his spot. "Then why do you have the magical sword that was forged to slay the mighty dragon?"

"What sword?"

The young man snaps his fingers. "That sword."

The weight on your hips dip on one side and you couldn't believe your eyes as a sheathed sword had magically manifested beside your waist out of thin air. "How did you— wait, is this a real sword?! You can't play around with real swords in front of children!"

The children turn towards the young man in confusion.

"Well, kids. Do you want the kind lady to slay the dragon with a real sword?"

"YES!" The children cheered.

The young man turns to you with a smile. "You gotta give the kids what they want, Miss."

An exasperated expression makes its way to your face. "I am not slaying any made up dragons!"

"Now, what's all this talk about slaying dragons?"

Taehyun, one of the stricter librarians, had come out of nowhere, surprising everyone. His eyes scan the room and quickly notices three things: (1) the dangerous sword hanging on your waist, (2) the excessive amount of children in the room when the sign on the way in definitely mentioned a capacity of only five, and (3) someone let the mage boy inside the library again. The culprit was evident.

"Jung Kai, I swear to the heavens I will—"

"Alright kids, time to go! We'll end the story next time!" The young man, Kai, rushes the disappointed children out of the section before they heard something they shouldn't.

You were about to walk away yourself but was quickly stopped by Taehyun's hand blocking your path. "Kai, didn't I tell you that you're not allowed to perform magic inside the library? And seriously," He confiscates the sword on your waist, holding it up in the air. "Violence?"

Kai looks at you and grins. "I suppose we could've gone with a more romantic ending. Something like the warrior's kiss saving the dragon from his curse, and he turns back into this super handsome, super cute, and super macho mage."

The way he shamelessly described himself left you speechless, and you steal a glance at the librarian who looked as equally disgusted as you are.

"Just clean up the mess before you leave. And that means you too, Miss Dragon Slayer."

"But I didn't even—" You cut yourself off after Taehyun dismisses himself from the room.

The section falls silent and Kai walks up to you, a smile ever present in his face. "I'm guessing this is the start of our new friendship?"

And that was what started it all. Everytime you'd visit the library after that, you seemed to bump into Kai more often than you liked. He saw through the disguise the first time he saw you wearing it and had promised to not utter a single word to anyone. The mage boy was much more reliable than he seemed to be, often helping you in your studies and teaching you more than the books ever could. Sometimes, he'd convince you to take a stroll around town and had shown you sights and wonders you wouldn't have expected to see inside the kingdom.

Before you knew it, Kai had become someone you'd cherished, and someone whose company you genuinely appreciated. He was patient and understanding as your makeshift mentor, and was this fun and outgoing guy whenever you two were out together. Kai became the first friend you'd made on your own regardless of status and the only friend you wished to keep by your side.

"I take it that the people in the ballroom were too much?" Kai speaks the moment arrived at the garden.

"Please. I couldn't even breathe in there." You play it off with a chuckle but thoughts of worry still plague your mind. "I'm guessing you probably know by now."

"About what? The fact that you're the daughter of the Marquess or that the Marquess has been in a crisis for a while?"

"Both."

Kai reaches for your hand, holding it reassuringly. "I've known for a while but that doesn't change anything now, does it? We became friends without the burden of our status, and we'll stay as friends regardless."

You hated this, hated how he always knew exactly what to say. The heat rushes up to your face and you squeeze his hand tighter, avoiding eye contact. "Thank you."

But truthfully, there was a little voice in Kai's head that wished you could be something more. Not after you'd shared those intimate moments alone at the library at dusk, not after he rushed in to catch you in his arms when you fell while shelving a book on the top shelves, and especially not after you almost shared a kiss after saying goodbye that night he'd helped you sneak back in.

Even now, as he lovingly gazed at your silhouette beneath the moonlight, he'd hoped that he'd have the chance to tell you how he felt. But then again, the chance could be right now at this very moment. The two of you were, afterall, at the king's ball.

"So, how were the gentlemen earlier?"

"What?" You raise your head to face Kai.

"I've no doubt that hundreds of people had been lining up to dance with you all evening." Kai grins as he gently lets go of your hand.

"Please, I haven't danced at all tonight."

"I find that quite hard to believe."

You sigh, recalling the events from earlier. "No one would want to be seen dancing with a fallen Marquess' daughter now would they?"

"Not when you look this beautiful?" Kai jokingly walks around you and you shy away from his gaze.

"You know I never say things I don't mean, Y/N." Kai bends down and holds your hands in his. "And believe me, I don't think anyone could ever be as lovely as you."

"Is flattery your main personality trait now?" You say as an attempt to not let his compliment affect you any further than it should but fail miserably so.

Kai stands before you with an unreadable expression. You'd argue this was the most serious look he's ever had since you'd met him.

"Care to dance?" Kai asks, leaning in closer, your faces merely inches apart. You feel your heart beating loudly in your chest, and you're almost afraid he might hear.

The moonlight casts a shadow on Kai's face, and despite the darkness, his eyes glistened, reflecting your own as you stared into his. You've never seen anyone look so beautiful. And here he was, telling you that you're the loveliest person he's ever known.

"Right now?"

Kai nods, taking off his mask and tossing it over to the side. "And I'd like it if we could dance without our masks too. I've been wanting to get a good look at your face all night."

You chuckle, removing your mask and tossing it to to the ground next to his. "And how do you suppose we dance without music? My reputation's already dirt at this point and I do not want to be branded as the crazy noble dancing at the royal garden in complete silence."

Kai fails to suppress his laughter, holding on to your shoulder to maintain himself upright. "Well, I wouldn't want to let my dear lady look crazy now would I?"

"And what are you planning to do?"

"Well, I am a mage." Kai smirks as he manifests a scepter out of thin air, leaving a trail of golden dust flurrying down.

This was the first time you've ever seen it in person. Kai had mentioned how he needed the aid of his scepter to perform high level magic, but he'd never taken it out in front of you until now. One look at the scepter and anyone could tell not just any old mage owned the darn thing. It looked majestic by all means, intricately decorated with gold and topped off with a brightly colored red gemstone you couldn't seem to identify. You'd heard that mages often created their own unique gemstones as a manifestation of their mana but for Kai's to be red, which had been said to be a quite powerful variant, made you wonder just how powerful your friend had been.

"And here we go." Kai takes the scepter in his hand and drives it into the ground. The impact causes a wave of light to burst from the scepter and spread throughout the reaches of garden. In a split-second, the wave of light rushes back into its source, compressing into a huge orb of light lifting up into the sky, rivaling the moon with its glow. The orb splits into smaller pieces and starts to dance around the garden, leaving you in awe at the spectacle.

Kai finds himself grinning from ear to ear at your reaction. He'd studied magic as an expression of rebellion against his father but now, he'd found another purpose to perform these little tricks of his. He places his hand on your waist and pulls you closer. "Wait for it."

The orbs of light find their places around you, slowly taking the shape of various instruments you've seen inside the ballroom, from strings to percussions, and even wind instruments. Smaller pieces of light continued to hover the surroundings, resembling glowing fireflies in the dark.

"Kai, this is beautiful." You look up at the young man, and he steps away, bowing his head as he plants yet another kiss on the back of your hand.

"May I have this dance?"

His eyes meet yours and you feel your heart skip a beat. It was rather difficult to explain. The Kai in front of you right now had been the same Kai you've always known, but somehow.. different.

You raise your hand for him to take, guiding your other hand to find perch on his shoulder, and his finding its place on your waist. With the first step, the instruments started playing. It's a piece you've heard before, one that Kai had fondly hummed nearly everytime you were together at the library.

It was as if the world had faded into the distance, and at this moment, there was only you and him, dancing alone in the garden. He pulls you close, his hold gentle and warm. Kai spins you around. The heel of your shoe collides with a rock, and you nearly stumble back until Kai manages to grab you by the waist on time, pulling you back into his arms.

You spot the smirk on his face under the moonlight, and you press a finger against his lips. "Not one word."

"I wasn't going to say anything." Kai lets you go, and you quickly grab a hold of his arms to find balance.

"Of course you weren't."

"Well, I do have something I have to tell you. A few things, actually."

You cock a brow at him, and he steps forward. "I'll tell you the most important part first."

"And that is?"

Kai reaches out to cup your cheeks, gazing into your eyes as if asking permission. You didn't need to say anything for him to understand, and he closes the gap between you, pressing his lips against yours. The feeling was foreign but certainly welcome, and you soon close your eyes and reciprocate, wanting to feel more of his soft lips, and wanting to hold him closer and closer.

For long had you held out on this, on actually acknowledging your growing feelings for the lad in fear of having to live with the thought of him not feeling the same. But in this moment, you felt a heavy burden being lifted from your shoulders.

"Kai, I.."

The light from the orbs dim down and soon dissipates. Kai pulls away, gazing upon your flushed face. "You mean the world to me, Y/N. I don't think my life would ever be the same without you."

The trumpets blare in the ballroom, a signal that the new king was to make an appearance soon. You feel Kai's hand around yours. "As for my other confession, I think it's best we head back first."

He leads you back into the ballroom, and disappears the moment you find your parents in the crowd. You join them in the center as everyone gathers to get a glimpse at the new king.

The herald makes his way beside the grand staircase, straightening himself up to make the announcement that every citizen had been waiting to hear all evening.

"Presenting the next in line to the throne, to rule the vast lands of our esteemed nation, and lead us into a continuing era of prosperity! Our future King, His Royal Highness, Kai Kamal Huening!"

The doors open, revealing Kai, your Kai, adorned in the royal family's crest, robes, and jewelries as he made himself known to his loyal subjects.

Behind him was public librarian, Kang Taehyun, who had been revealed to be serving as one oc the King's advisors, and now, for the new monarch.

"Long live the King!"

Kai could pick out your from the crowd in a heartbeat, hos gaze meeting yours as he flashes you his signature smile. You couldn't believe what was happening— Kai, your best friend in the whole world, had just confessed his love to you. And now, that same Kai had revealed to you and to the public that he had been the future ruler of the country all along. The crowds cheered.

"Long live the King!"

"Long live the King." You whisper to yourself, wondering what the future has in store for you.

[angsty-nerd]

Max + Identity in Season 2

In the pilot, when Max self-identifies who he is to Liz, he tells her, "I'm a son, I'm a brother, I'm a cop...I'm just a guy from Roswell." All of those pieces of his self identity are systematically destroyed in Season 2, to the point where in the season finale he's grasping onto the last thing he feels like might be real about himself -- his role as the savior. A role that he scoffed at before his death, that he didn't really seem to believe, until all of the things he did believe about himself were gone. And then he loses that too, upon the discovery that he's not the only one, that he lacks any form of individuality. That Jones is just like him.

We get our first hint that this is coming in 2x05 when Rosa and Isobel get a glimpse inside Max's mindscape. They are literally traveling through the dying remnants of Max's mind, watching as these pieces of him are slowly fading away. There are three key visual clues in these scenes that give us insight into how he sees himself.

Most obviously, in his mindscape he is fully dressed in his Sheriff's Department uniform. This is the self-identity that he projects to the outside world in Season 1. There are many good metas out there about the layers behind that. How he takes his hat off when he's not on the job because he doesn't feel he deserves it. But all in all, his internal self image is the deputy that the public sees. I’ll add a link below to one where Mo and I were discussing this.

He is surrounded by Liz. And slowly losing her. This could be (and is) a meta all on its own about his psyche in general. He said it himself in 1x03 when he told her that he loves her. "That's what everything is about for me!" And this is the visual embodiment of it. His internal identity completely encompassed and consumed by his memories of Liz and all the things that represent her for him. And yes, their slow degredation are a literal representation. Of his memories of her slowly disappearing, but I also definitely would argue that it's exposing his deepest fear as well - that she'll leave him again.

And of course, he is chained to the floor. We are still, at this point in the season, just getting a glimpse at the layers of trauma hidden within his subconscious, but this is a direct look inside of him and his trauma is right there staring him in the face. These are hidden scars that he hasn't even begun yet to discover, but slowly begin to reveal themselves throughout Season 2b. And I expect will be prevalent in Season 3 as well.

The progression of Max's identity crisis started from the moment he woke up, with a portion of his self literally erased through the loss of his memories of Liz. A lot was made of the sweetness of him telling her at the end of the episode "I am not whole without you." But in a sense that statement could have been almost a thesis for his character arc in Season 2. He spends the entire season not whole, losing little pieces of himself one by one until he's not sure who he is at the end of 2x13.

Once his memory returned in 2x06, it briefly seemed like Max was back to normal, but that quickly got undercut in the opening scene of the next episode when it was first hinted at that he shouldn't be using his powers anymore. In 2x07 it was suggested that Liz was just being overly cautious, but her fears were proved to be accurate in 2x08 when Max does use his powers and immediately suffers chest pain. Its a physical reaction to his powers that's further emphasized in 2x12 when he almost dies trying to kill Flint. Nothing was explicitly stated, but I still speculate he had a full on heart attack in that moment, or that the pacemaker briefly failed, given how hard it was to resuscitate him. But without his powers, he's not complete as an alien anymore.

In 2x09 he loses what he thought he understood about his own origin story. Sheriff Valenti's version of the incident in the group home not only undercut certain facts about himself that he always had believed to be true - that he was the solid, stable one. That he was the strong one. Suddenly he's being told that he's the traumatized one, that he's the one with the behavioral pattern of being a loose cannon.

He loses his job. Okay, officially he quit in 2x07 to search for Jenna, but let's be honest here...if he hadn't quit, then he certainly would have lost his job when Sheriff Valenti arrested him in 2x09. We saw in his mindscape and heard from his lips in the pilot how strongly he identifies as a cop. But now that uniform, and that identity, have literally been stripped away from him...and replaced with a new uniform, sexy Wild Pony bartender man!

So, we have him stripped of his identity as an alien with powers, stripped of his identity as a cop. And in 2x10 he gets stripped of his identity within his family, when he learns that he and Isobel are not related. All of those self-identified aspects of himself have disintegrated, and he's left floundering to figure out who he is without those things. Which is why he begins to throw himself into trying to regain his memories, potentially even at the expense of his health through the use of the serum. Because he is so desperate to find a truth about himself to hold on to.

But that journey is also doomed to undercut him. One of my favorite musical moments of Season 2 is the second time he experiences a memory flash triggered by his own reflection, at the end of 2x10, with the cover of Bullet With Butterfly Wings playing over the scene. @echoapothecary did a great set on this scene right after the episode aired... link below.

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Someone will say what is lost can never be saved

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Tell me I'm the only one

Tell me there's no other one

Jesus was the only son, yeah

Tell me I’m the chosen one

I think in the moment we were supposed to take the visual flash at face value and assume that this was about Max's trauma from being imprisoned as a child, but on rewatch (and frankly, listening to the song over and over and over…) I really think the choice was more about identity, and foreshadowing the reveal of Jones as a mirror, clone, relative, something….to Max?

While in the middle of the S2 experience, one of my favorite gif sets that @maxortecho made for me was this idea of Max, and people constantly cutting him down, while Liz loved him regardless of those things (linked below). At the time I was really focusing on him and his reaction to being constantly told he was a let down. Add to that the appearance of Diego in 2x10, and Max isn’t even trying to hide his low self esteem and feelings of insecurity anymore. But take those constant undercuts and add to it the tidal wave of an identity crisis as all of the things you believe to be true about yourself fall apart, and we're left with the Max we see in the last couple episodes of Season 2. A man on a mission, manic and desperate to figure out who he is now, exacerbated by the fact that he's literally on drugs (the serum).

Only then, in his desperate, manic state, does he find himself willing to believe the implausible (to him) reveal at the end of Season 1 that he might be the Savior. Because it's the last thing that makes him unique, that makes him feel like he has a role, a purpose…until he loses that too at the end of the episode when they release Jones, a literal copy of himself, from his prison.

All of these gifs were gratefully borrowed from @maxortecho, with two exceptions. Wild Pony Max 🔥 is @rosaortecho’s work, and Howdy 🧔🏻 is (I think) @darlingnotso’s. (Please correct me if I’m wrong).

[i-need-air]

Meeting small Hawks.

Pairing: Hawks x Reader.

Summary: HCs about what would happen if you're sent in the past (thanks to a villain quirk) with Hawks and meet tiny Hawks.

Notes: Love the "Their kid came from the future because of this quirk thingy and now they meet their daddas" so I thought what would it be if we reversed it. Hope you enjoy! ♥

× you coincidentally ran into each other (which happened often) when you were both patrolling

× he's always so smug and flirty with you but today he was extra about it

× like holy shit this man knows how to compliment but whatever, no big deal

× the thing is you're just at the point where you kinda lowkey are realizing you have feelings for this smug idiot but you're also kinda denying it because Hawks screams trouble, also you don't trust him; does he flirt like this with anyone??? why is he teasing you so much????? he's too hot to be real???????

× he was praising you because you reached Top 20s when someone screamed for help

× a young kid recognized you both and told you that there's a robbery he escaped from, explaining there are some guys at a jewelry store near-by so y'all just rush there

× well you kinda fell behind cuz he's like already in front of the store talking to the masked robbers like they're just chatting about the weather, although he was just negotiating and telling them casually to let the employees and the civilians inside the store out

× so when he sees you tho, he winks at you and in a blink the robbers were on the ground

× so you just alright then fucking show off 😒 because he waited for you to see him be a little shit

× so while everything is settling, you both going inside the store to check on everyone, he twists his head fastly towards you then rushes to your frame, grabbing you while you turn just in time to see another masked robber (seems he was hiding) that was about to touch your shoulder. although Hawks pulled you to him just in time, so he was barely tapped on the cheek instead of you

× and then you see white

× so when you can finally see again around you, a sensation of dizziness running through your body, you notice Hawks hugging you like really, really tight

× also... did the villain teleport you? both of you were in what seemed a random office building or sumthn

× he brushes it off but you can see that he's worried because y'all fucked up man

× he's scolding himself, he should've paid more attention but you were there, existing, so stunning and the way you rolled your eyes at him? gorgeous, like pls do it again he's a simp for u & now he's paying the price for it like boy–

× anywho! he looked around and sent some feathers to just map the place while you were trying to figure out wth was going on

× meanwhile Hawks was just noticing stuff; he knew these halls, he knew that three doors from there, he'd take Hero History class, he knew the floor below them was a training ground, he knew the door just behind them was where he–

× so you were confusion to say at least, looking at the plain white walls, searching for something, anything actually

× doors had signs on them but very vague, like that one door with the letter K on it, the others labeled C1, C2 and C3, everything spotless and dead looking

× "Sorry, dove, hate to interrupt that cute and intense thinking face of yours but we have to bolt" he said, pointing at the cameras

× so y'all just hide, you thinking without purpose but he was actually leading you somewhere, that somewhere being a floor below

× "we've been seen here and we shouldn't be" or more likely this place should have been destroyed years ago he thought but dreaded the thought of the Commission finding another kid like him

× you question where you're going but he just smirks at you

× there's no people anyway but you avoid places where cameras are pointing at so it makes you feel suspish, but you trust #2 Hero's judgment; he was #2 for a reason, right?

× you reach a door with a sign saying Surveillance and you ooooooooh real smooth for a second, big bird brain there

× and he has no difficulty unlocking it with two of his feathers (him winking at you again, show off pt. 2)

× you're basically ordered to look-out mainly cuz he didn't want you to catch a glimpse at the cameras; if the commission was doing this again, it should be Top Secret

× but what he doesn't fucking expect is to see you on the screen, legit full in the middle of the camera view (pls he cries inside why did u guys avoid all the cams–) and a tiny frame approaching you

× mainly same energy as And I OOP– plus moment of realization

× back to you: looking around super-sneaky until you hear a noise and you decide to explore around the corner but when you find nothing you turn around

× "Uhm, who are you?" you hear a tiny voice behind you and you jump in place because holy shit it was so quiet and now someone's there and you almost die of a heart attack

× turning around, ready to fight, you just find a tiny human being

× adorable human being with... weird similar eye-markings like Hawks and tiny, fluffy, adorable red wings

× you die in the spot cuz???????? adorable child cosplaying the guy you like?????????????? wait what? like? uhm bad brain bad

× so you just crouch down to his height and smile at the baby while he looks at you with big confused yellow eyes that are waaaaay too similar to Hawks'; and that freaks you out, did the mf have a love child or something because they're copy-paste

× "Are you my new teacher?" he asked again, small smile on his features and hnnnggg ♥

× but you shake your head, telling him you're just passing by

× he looks a lil disappointed but nods, fidgeting with the Endeavor in his hands, to which you laugh quietly

× "so you're a Hawks fan I see?"

× he blinks at you, golden eyes wide with confusion and he asks "who?" and u OOP–

× the kid knows who Endeavor is or at least has a plushie of him but is cosplaying as Hawks and never heard of him like??? unless??????? you calm yourself and chill because maybe he didn't know who Endeavor is and he thought it was a random toy and the cosplaying you had no actual excuse for but even worse when he just:

× "but I am a big fan of Endeavor, see?" he said, small excitement coming from him, toy still in his hands now raised in front of your vision, smol chubby hands hounding it safely but proudly

× hnnnngggg ♥ ♥

× "what's your name, little angel?" you ask him as you really try to connect the dots here

× "I'm Takami Keigo and I just moved here" he smiled at you so softly "I'm here to become a hero like Endeavor"

× you'd have to search for Hawks now because this was very, very suspicious but for now you just loved the little kid, deciding you wanted one (maybe you should snatch him 👀)

× and talking about your favorite winged hero, he was having a mental breakdown in the Surveillance room, no biggie; he figured it out while looking at the rooms on the screens, specially the training area, and then at his mini-self talking to you

× so he sends some feathers to you to drag you back to him discreetly

× nothing can be discreet with you because as you were telling smol Keigo that he's gonna be the best hero ever and so on, a feather tapped you on the back and you just screech cuz WHO DAT, you turn to see the feather and feel your soul coming back into your body

× but tiny Keigo sees it too and he's thrilled because look look i can do that too! but with smol feathers and your soul just departs from your person yet again

× because that ain't a cosplay

× that is Hawks.

× while you stop functioning as way-too-adorable-baby-Hawks uses his feathers lift the Endeavor toy to your hands, you just take it and stare

× "did you like it?" golden eyes shining proudly at you; hnnnggggg ♥️♥️♥️

× snapping out of it, you compliment him telling him he's the coolest while taking the toy from him and try to catch one of his feathers jokingly, making him do a cute giggle

× and Keigo, this time big boy Keigo is waiting behind the corner because he really doesn't want to be seen by himself? one feather waiting on the key set to delete all video footage, prepared to bolt the shit out of there yet... he was just waiting for something, not even knowing what himself

× yet he knew as you made mini-him (?) (he's still having an existencial crisis) laugh again his heart squeezes, but he doesn't have time to savor it anymore

× "Keigo, where did you go?" a male voice startled the 3 of you and you p a n i c™

× but not as much as big Hawks tho, he sends all his feathers to drag you away instantly

× the last image on smol baby Hawks is him being startled as he tried to reach for you as you were forcefully yanked away, a suited up man appearing, catching a glimpse of you for a second then alarms blowing everywhere

× Hawks had it all planned as he yanked you to his body, rushing towards an opened window, commanding his feather to delete the security footage and going back to him

× and when he jumped, you in his arms, you saw white again

× you both appear in the same location that you vanished from, just in the middle of the jewelry store as cops were walking around, secluding the zone

× Congrats, you gave the cops a frighten; good times 💕

× so you're in his arms (a g a i n but nobody's complaining 👀)

× and he just smiles down at you so tenderly you almost shiver in place, never seeing that face on him before and it makes you feel Things™, he just runs his hand on your shoulder blade as he wraps his wings closer to you two, cops just startled and confused but none of you cared

× you wanted to touch his cheek as you're finally embracing your feelings after what just happened

× you're looking at Takami Keigo

× so you move your hand and something falls out of your embrace, since y'all are high on adrenaline it spooks the f outta both

× looking at your side you see the Endeavor toy, a small, fluffy feather stuck in its small toy belt

× and you panic because yOu basically just fucking stole a toy from a little kid and you're about to tear up and he just looks at you with his brows raised cuz my boy wasn't expecting that

× "Hey, hey, it's okay" he says through a chuckle, stop being so adorable

× but no it's not okay? the smol baby loved Endeavor and you took the toy and you keep calling mini-keigo smol baby and Hawks' heart is playing heavy metal in his chest and he has this goofy stupid adorable smile on his face and

× he leans down to kiss you

× soft, sweet, he breathes you in yet keeps the smile on his lips

× "Mini-me didn't mind, I'm sure" (white lies, white lies)

× but you, all flustered, just panic again because AAAAA and you just give him the toy, telling him you're some years later but it's his to which he sees ✨ ✨ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ✨ ✨ in his mind around you while you ramble and talk and blush and oh god he loves you– wait what.

× "Well, little dove, I think I have some explaining to do" he whispered above your lips, taking in your flushed face (was living for the moment ngl) "How about we talk about it while we grab lunch? Hmm?"

× "I'd like that, Hawks."

× "Oh, when we're alone, you know what to call me." he whispered in your ear then turned to the police officers that just witnessed everything...

× wait, is that a crowd of people outside with their phones out?

× oh fu–

Look at this smol babey! LOOK!

Art is made by the amazing @kadeart, I'm surprised I found out about them just now, they're amazingly talented. Check out all their stuff!

[sapphire-weapon]

Thank you for answering my questions! This is my last one for now I think. What do you think about redeemable villains? What makes a villain redeemable? Are there villains that can't/shouldn't be redeemed?

You’re welcome! If you think of anything else, just let me know.

The secret that no one wants you to know is that almost every villain is redeemable, no matter their crimes or how heinous their actions. The other secret that no one wants you to know is that the audience is under absolutely no obligation to accept their redemption and/or forgive them.

That being said, there are three things that make a villain redeemable:

1. A pre-existing establishment of their capacity for humanity, no matter how long ago or how far abandoned.

2. A redemption arc. 

3. A new threat established during their redemption arc that is unequivocally greater than they ever were.

So, under these rules, if you tried to redeem Sauron, for example, the audience would reject it outright, because Sauron is a nebulous, inhuman thing who was never shown to have the capacity for emotions like compassion, guilt, selflessness, etc.

However, if you were to try to redeem someone like, say, Sephiroth, while it would take a lot of work to be believable, it could be done. Final Fantasy VII goes out of its way to show that Sephiroth was not always evil, and the compilation expands on that even further. Crisis Core in particular does a good job of showing Sephiroth as a normal person and a friend to multiple members of the cast, however distantly.

Let’s go back to the second part of my opening statement, though. An audience is never under the obligation to forgive a redeemed villain, no matter how great the new threat or how helpful to the heroes the redeemed villain becomes. For instance, a very common example that I see of a redeemed villain done right is Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z. Most people forgive and adore Vegeta, especially by the end of the series. I am in the very tiny minority in that I do not forgive Vegeta. There is nothing that Akira Toriyama can do to make me like this character. It isn’t that I don’t think that he’s redeemable, because he most definitely is -- I accept and understand that he is, in fact, redeemed. My lack of forgiveness towards him has to do with the fact that I simply don’t like his character. He’s still a huge asshole even though he’s been stripped of his villain status, and he never stops being enough of an asshole for a long enough period of time for me to forgive him.

This brings me to what I think your question probably really is: What makes for a good redemption arc?

This one is trickier, because every person on this planet has a different threshold for awfulness that they’re willing to forgive. Some people will never, ever, no matter the context or how well it’s executed, forgive a redeemed villain who’d once engaged in genocide. Others will never, ever forgive a redeemed villain who’d committed sexual assault. Others will never be able to overlook a villain who’d murdered one of the main heroes. And so on and so forth.

All of those people are valid and have valid viewpoints. If you want to redeem one of your villains, you have to do so with the understanding going into it that there will be a portion of your audience that rejects this redemption. On the flipside, however, it is the responsibility of a mature audience to understand that just because you don’t forgive a redeemed villain does not automatically mean that their redemption is an example of bad writing.

Again, I will never forgive Vegeta, but I understand and accept that he is redeemed and that his redemption arc was well-handled and executed properly.

So, in an attempt to answer the question objectively, I think a good redemption arc should hit these points:

1. Introduce a new threat that humbles your to-be-redeemed villain. Despite how insurmountable of a threat that your to-be-redeemed villain (which I’ll now shorten to TBRV) may have seemed at the start, something else has revealed itself to be so outrageously threatening that it puts your TBRV on their heels and forces them to acknowledge their own weakness.

2. Put your TBRV in a position where they acknowledge that the heroes are on the right side of things. I’ll give an example of this shortly, so let’s skip to the next point for now.

3. Force your TBRV to acknowledge their own prior wrongdoing. A good redemption arc can start out as “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” but the development and the conclusion of the arc should result in your TBRV realizing how much of an asshole they’ve been prior to their team-up with the main heroes.

4. Show your TBRV taking active, repeated steps towards making amends for their prior acts of evil. It isn’t enough to fight alongside the heroes one time. A good redemption arc will show a commitment to the shift in their ideology as a testament to their redeemed status.

Though I do not forgive Vegeta, I acknowledge and admit that his redemption arc executes all four points listed above. However, because I don’t like Vegeta and don’t want to spend a whole post talking about him, I’m not going to use him as my example.

Let’s keep using Rufus Shinra, since we’ve spent so much time talking about him already. Also because he has one of the best “Oh god I’m the asshole” moments I’ve ever seen in a redemption arc.

Rufus’s redemption arc happens out of order of the points listed above and has a staggered execution. It starts in the short story On the Way to a Smile: Case of Shinra, when his office gets blown up by a gigantic Godzilla monster and he’s forced, bloody and broken and dying, to drag his busted ass into a bomb shelter of sorts and wait for a medical team to realize that he’s there and save him. This is his humbling moment as a character -- no matter how much money and power he has, no matter how big his military, he cannot stand up to the might of the planet itself.

It continues while he’s trying to get into said bomb shelter. His father (you know, his main motivation as a villain? His “fuck you dad” mentality? That father? Yeah, that one) never actually gave him the passcode to get into the thing, so as he’s slowly dying of blood loss and physical trauma, he’s punching in every single combination of numbers that he could possibly think that his dad might use, and all of them are failing. In a bout of delirium and as a last-ditch effort, he punches in his own birthdate. The door opens. This is his viewpoint-shattering moment, where he realizes that the core of his motivations as a villain were skewed and flawed from the very beginning. His father did love him, and Rufus was already established and acknowledged as a person long before he ever became president. His response to this shattering of his perception of reality is to collapse onto the floor, laughing hysterically in grief over what a colossal asshole he’s been.

The narrative then re-introduces the threat of the planet and humbles Rufus even further by giving him a terminal illness. This is an illness inflicted by the planet due to Sephiroth and Shinra’s actions, so Rufus is to blame for his own condition, and there is absolutely nothing he can do about it. This is also a further extension of him recognizing his own wrongdoing.

Also, now that his motivation’s been challenged and broken, it’s time to twist his ideology around to something more noble and heroic. In the aftermath of the events of the game, people at large blame him and the Shinra corporation for everything that’s happened. Still broken and wheelchair-bound, he’s kidnapped and shoved into captivity along with other people who share the same illness.

This is where Rufus actually is forced to interact with the public that he disregarded for so long; he actually makes friends with his fellow captives, because he has to if he’s going to survive, due to the previous humbling factors that the narrative has already forced on him. Through this, however, he realizes that people are people and are worthy of understanding and sympathy. With his money, status, and power stripped away, he’s just like them, and he doesn’t find them as stupid and ubiquitous as he thought they were. His ideology is directly challenged as a result of his situation.

He comes away from this challenge in his first foray into being a hero, in that he actively abandons his own escape for a time to go back and save a woman he’d befriended in captivity for no other reason than simply to just save her -- because he’d come to understand that she was a person, and she was worth saving for that reason alone. Once free, he decides to open medical centers to help other people suffering from this illness who may have no one to treat them and nowhere else to go. Shinra may be finished, but he still has the money to do that. He also decides to do so anonymously so that people can feel safe in getting help without the shadow of the name of Shinra forcing them to be leery. It is his second truly selfless act as a character.

So, by this point, Rufus has hit points 1 and 3, and he’s made his first step towards 4. He’s been humbled, he’s acknowledged his own wrongdoing, and his motivations and ideology have been challenged and either been broken or shifted into something more selfless. He’s acted once in a noble way to save an innocent life, and he’s poised to help others. That alone is not enough for a fully fleshed out, proper redemption arc. Enter Advent Children.

A new threat is introduced, but by this point Rufus has been humbled enough that it doesn’t matter -- he already knows where he stands and which side he’s on. He immediately reaches out to Cloud for help fighting this new threat, acknowledging that Shinra carries the burden of responsibility for the state the planet’s in, which finally gets him to point #2. Cloud refuses to help him (it’s not just the audience who’s not obligated to forgive redeemed villains -- heroic characters aren’t obligated to forgive them either!!), so Rufus decides to help Cloud instead. He provides Cloud with backup and support in the form of the Turks, and he keeps the McGuffin safe on his own person so that the villains can’t win while Cloud and the party try to fight them off. This is Rufus’s third repeated act towards atonement. He also gives the new villain a big speech about how the strength of humanity will win every time, which further reinforces point #2 in his acknowledgement that Cloud and company were right all along.

His acts of atonement continue into Dirge of Cerberus, where it’s revealed that he frequently and anonymously gives large sums of money to relief and rebuild efforts.

By the end of it, no one is obligated to forgive Rufus for who he was, what he did, or what he represented in Final Fantasy VII as a standalone game. Cloud certainly never does. But the narrative does enough to establish that his change of heart is genuine, that the guilt he feels is real, and that he is a truly redeemed person with a completely new and different motivation and ideology.

Any villainous character with a pre-established capacity for humanity is capable of this. It doesn’t matter how bad they were in the past, and it doesn’t matter how many people either in-universe or in the audience forgive them. You can always redeem a human villain who is not an out-and-out lifelong psychopath. The real issue that you face as a writer is deciding whether it’s worth the effort to redeem a villain at all, because it takes a lot of work to execute properly and in a way that doesn’t detract from the flow and pacing of your story moving forward, and there’s no guarantee that your audience will give a shit at the end regardless.

[cliquestitsandicks]

Tracking Kat

Episode 1: Kat is mourning the end of her relationship with Adena. It has been 5 weeks since the breakup in Paris. She's still looking at old pictures of them and posted one. She still hasn't sent Adena's equipment to her, even though Adena has been texting her asking for it. By the end of the episode, she's admitted to (in order) Alex, Patrick, and Jane & Sutton that she is not okay. She is still sad about the end of her relationship. Alex tells her "you're so hard on yourself. You got your heart broken. There's no expiration date on heartbreak. You move on when you're ready to move on and when you *are* ready, you will find someone amazing. Someone who will never leave." Then Patrick is an entitled, invasive dick. She told her girls she wasn't ready for it to be real yet and that's why she hadn't told them... but she broke down in front of them. She'd finally accepted it was over. End of the episode, she makes an instagram post exposing her vulnerability to the world and packs up Adena's things for good.

Episode 2: Kat injects Jane for fertility treatment. She is very familiar with Jane's reproductive system at this point - best friends. She learns the Wild Susan, a club Adena took her to that became a safe space she frequents and which happens to be 1 of only TWO lesbian bars in the city, is closing. She learns the only reason it's happening is because developers want to gentrify the neighborhood. We learn Kat has a lawyer (not sure how that may come up later) that she met through the #BeReal campaign. Anyway, Kat throws a queer prom as a fundraiser to help save the Wild Susan. It ultimately fails because $42,000 in one night from poor people is a bit much. But it was a valiant effort and, as Kat learns, the gentrifiers were well aware of its impossibility. This episode is leading up to her political career. "I've been so into my feelings lately, it feels really good to challenge my energy into something that really matters". I am so proud of Kat. In Season 1, I would have worried she was avoiding her feelings, but the writers made a big deal of showing she's done the exact opposite of that in the prior episode.

Episode 3: Kat has been researching councilman Reynolds and he's a total piece of shit - helping gentrifiers, cutting funding to parks, and voting against paid maternity leave. She's fired up. Our girl is P A S S I O N A T E & informed! We meet the councilwoman for whom she plans to volunteer and her campaign manager, Tia. Tia's a tiny, bubbly boss with natural hair and a bright smile and we see Kat brighten up. We later learn she and Kat have more in common, both being NYU grads (actually overlapping while there) and both brilliant. Tia, however, is not from a wealthy and connected background. In their initial meeting, Kat tells Tia "I'm just looking for something to channel my rage and depression". Kat enlists her besties to help get the councilwoman to unseat problematic Reynolds. Sutton clearly sees something between Kat and Tia because she does a friend's background check (checking the social media) and tells Kat she looks very single to which Kat responds "it really doesn't matter because I'm still getting over Adena" and Jane seems skeptical of Kat's protestations with her silent smirk. We learn Kat has really soft lips. Kat is the voice of reason for Alex, being the first one to acknowledge the hypersexual "dangerous" Black man depiction that will likely be projected onto him if he admits he is the man in his friend's story. Then we see her naturally command the crowd at the rally. Again, I am so proud of Kat. She isn't holding back when she knows she should speak up. She's taking control of her narrative. She's fighting for what's right in a constructive manner. And now Tia, who has way more experience with this than Kat, is recommending she run for office.

Episode 4: We start the episode with Kat describing what would be her district and job description to her best friends. She's looking excited about the potential to do something that matters and really help people. In her conversation with the Toby (?. don't know, don't care), we get to see more of Tia being supportive of Kat and Kat being confronted with whether she's motivated to actually run or just wants someone to beat Reynolds. We learn Kat had an abortion in 2013 when she was 20 AS IS HER GOTDAMN RIGHT BECAUSE IT'S HER BODY, but it's something she's felt some sort of shame/concern over seeing as nobody close to her knew about it. Then, and this is so great, after telling her friends she has the conversation with Tia. Tia shares that she's had one as well and completely understands not wanting it to be public knowledge, but in sharing her experience educates Kat on yet another way vulnerable people are having their rights stripped, this time through manipulation and "crisis centers" that shouldn't exist. Tia remains supportive and doesn't pressure Kat at all with her decision. "I am by your side if they come for you, but you gotta do what's right for you". When we get that great speech from Jacqueline we see Kat being moved my the statement that you'll never know what you're capable of if you don't take a leap faith to face challenges that frighten you, then you'll never know what you're capable of. [i'd like to pause right now to say Jacqueline is fucking wonderful and i love her like my white auntie. also Sutton needed to hear that again just as much as Kat and i really appreciate this entire moment.] When Kat leaves Jacqueline's celebration, she passes by one of those "crisis centers" Tia told her about and decides to use her voice to help others. "I like to think of myself as a pretty strong, empowered, forward-thinking, open-minded woman. But, up until now, I haven't been able to talk about my abortion. If me putting myself out there helps even one woman to feel less alone, less ashamed, and less guilty then it's worth it." And just like us, dear Tia is blown away. She actually exhales a breath she didn't know she was holding and biiiiiiiitch (!!!! excitedly). and then they're dancing! This is the episode, upon rewatch, when i recognize how often Tia touches Kat unnecessarily.

Episode 5: Kat's entire recap includes Tia, ending with Sutton saying "she seems to be very single". Her very first scene, Tia is complimenting her walking out of some campaigning event we later learn was a Town Hall. Can we just talk about Kat's blazer for a second? First of all, i want it. Second, how did they find something so perfectly her? It's colorful but still semi-professional, fun, but still about her business. Heart-eye inducing. ok. So the next time we see Kat, she and Tia (whose last name they finally mention as Clayton) are reviewing campaign platform and doing debate prep at Kat's apartment. Tia's complimenting Kat almost continuously at this point. Clearly she's impressed, borderline gushing. and Kat tries to brush it off. Tia's not letting her. And there's this moment when Tia forces herself to break eye contact with her (around 5:40 of the episode). The show tells us Kat still hasn't dated since Adena, but Sutton brings up the "stupid smile" she gets whenever Tia's mentioned. She's making better decisions than Patrick and her being compared to Patrick is lowkey happening a lot. I'm starting to wonder if they're setting up Kat taking over digital if she doesn't win the campaign. Ok, the song choice as they pan to Kat and Tia... "I never normally check my phone 10 times in a minute. I'm not the girl to be kept on hold 10 miles from the finish." Again, Tia is very touchy with Kat, never anything inappropriate of course, but the hand is always on the back or the arm. and their interaction is just.. lovely. I squeal. it's so cute. they're so comfortable. Kat invites Tia to the dinner BEFORE (i got the timing on that mixed up before) Tia says she's "a boring straight girl" [the test determined that was a LIE... nah, my good sis Tia is dealing with some internalized homophobia which is no joking matter, but we don't learn that until the next episode]. Apparently, Kat can cook now? So she just liked Adena's food better i guess? idk... anyway. I get why some of the things Tia said can be taken as flirting, but i still believe that you accept what someone says is their sexuality until they say otherwise. yes, that's even when they're saying things like "when i see what i want, i go for it" and "Annndd she can cook. it's hot" and looking at you like that. Kat telling Jane to apologize because he's her boss and she got suuuper disrespectful and would absolutely deserve getting fired makes me proud. She's the mature friend now. She's the one with a level head on her shoulders. Kat finally makes her feelings known to Tia, but this is after Tia has already stated she's straight. Tia reiterates that this is a professional relationship and apologizes for Kat getting the wrong idea. I'm reminded of when Alex Danvers told Maggie Sawyer she was into her and she was rejected... but in that example i was floored and heartbroken for Alex because ugh, i just didn't see that coming. With this, however, it felt like Tia was clear in her words even if it shocked the hell out of me what the words were. So i didn't feel heartbroken for Kat. I thought... tbh... she brought it on herself for refusing to respect Tia's "no", however soft it was. But the writers did let us know it wasn't over with the music selection... Kat looking at "You and Tia make a great team :)" as "I'll go to war for you" plays.

Episode 6: All the emails have been released and Kat has no worries at all about that because she's a professional. And we get to see her be a boss addressing the entire group. Patrick isn't there this episode (YAY for our sanity!) and i think Kat being a boss so often when Patrick isn't around is intentional. When we see Tia, she says last night is forgotten but she thinks it's a bad idea to remain Kat's campaign manager... which is clearly a hard rejection. One can argue that it's too harsh for someone merely admitting they were into you. But it's just as easy to argue that it's appropriate after telling someone, very clearly, that you are not into them romantically and them ignoring that and saying that you were flirting with them on this date they never called a date before you were already there?? so i'm not mad at it. At the end of the episode, we find out that Tia was rejecting herself, not Kat. Turns out, Ms. Tia Clayton has known she's attracted to women since she was in high school, but she "didn't want to want it". Tia is so TINY AND ANXIOUS ABOUT HER SEXUALITY AND MANY OF US HAVE BEEN THERE. But... and i say this in jest... for someone who is really trying not to be out in the open with her gay, she sure was comfortable kissing Kat all outdoors for anyone to see. My good sis is smitten. I'm excited for the story. Again with the music during their scenes though... "I cannot fallll in love with youuuuu. I cannot feeeeel this way so soon, so soon." Also, my girlfriend and I have watched the gifset of the kiss over the phone and swooned (we live in different states for now). This episode, we also got the flashbacks (i missed Lauren so much). Kat's got red streaks in her hair, is a friend to strangers, has regrettable sex with men who taste like pickles, and is cute as a button. She also called Jacqueline "Mama Jackie" and that's it; that's her name now.

[punkscowardschampions]

Fearghal & Tess & Katya

Fearghal: [Notes in detention, let's say he's there today 'cos some teacher was a patronizing dickhead and he told 'em to do one and then did himself] Tess: [we all know she was brawling but let's assume something/someone stopped her at the start of it cos she has no chill rn and they'd be dead] Fearghal: Hey up Tess: g'wed Fearghal: what you in for Tess: [draws a spoon because that means to make a mistake in scouse but with a hand gripping the handle because 'gripped' is caught] Fearghal: [draws an eye on the spoon] Tess: [when you're amused af but you can't show it because such is life so you just draw a big ? like what do you want] Fearghal: you not in year 11? Tess: [cross out the 1 and write a 0] Fearghal: [draws a smiley in the 0 so it looks like an E and does his own question mark] Tess: [writes however much that'd cost back then because idk] Fearghal: sound Fearghal: what's your name then Tess: [draws a _ like fill in anything you like] not gonna fuck you whatever you call me Fearghal: [does a lol and gets told to shut up] Fearghal: alright, blondie it is Tess: [makes a 😒 face at him] bleach ain't only a pure boss bevvy Fearghal: [huge grins back like] Fearghal: so you're smart and all Tess: [🖕 because does she care if the teacher sees not really but 😏 because try and keep some customers babe] Tess: can count the spends you owe if you're deciding you'll leg it Fearghal: [does 'dagger through my heart' act] Fearghal: not do that, you know where I live, babe Tess: if you wanna call it living, irish Fearghal: Living it up in Heswall are ya? I'll pop in for tea when I'm in the area meself Tess: you a scuffer with a baby face? [draws a baby policeman with an irish flag] Fearghal: get fucked am I Fearghal: new one, give you credit there Tess: ask a lotta geg questions, new lad, bit rem if you ain't earning from it Fearghal: Shit, don't tell Donovan he's right Fearghal: really can't read Tess: [is again so amused on the low but] do less drugs Tess: learn more scouse Fearghal: must be your main gig Fearghal: teach me then, blondie Tess: your gary orders are properly keeping my leccy on, yeah [draws a 💡 with a smiley face] Fearghal: better teacher than this lot but that ain't saying fuck all but I reckon I'd learn a thing or two if you were up there instead Fearghal: [throws paperball at board for emphasis and then has to go put it in the bin like 😏] Tess: whatever your meff mates in year 11 have said, they didn't learn or catch nothing off me Fearghal: [when he's back in his seat] Fearghal: I ain't got any blondie, you're alright Tess: [draws him a medal] made up for yous Fearghal: [makes it have a sad face] shouldn't be Tess: [crosses it out like I take it back then] Fearghal: [draws a heart] Tess: [rips up that page deliberately slowly like fuck you] Tess: giz us the £ and garry can show his face Fearghal: [laughs again like sh you have such a loud laugh but not bothered and neither is this teacher lowkey so] Fearghal: at the end, not necking it now, babe Tess: [draws a broken heart with garry written in it] Tess: call me babe again and you ain't getting it Fearghal: [crosses it out] Tess: not as rem as your face would have you look Fearghal: s'okay, I know I'm cute, blondie Tess: stop listening to your ma, irish, she's feeding you lies with the scran Fearghal: don't think it's in her vocabulary or recipe book Fearghal: [crosses out garry and writes his own name] Tess: how am I meant to say that? barely read it Fearghal: want me to teach you Fearghal: gave me the scouse 101 for free Tess: point you in the direction of a girl that'll work on, is right Fearghal: you're a pal Tess: friendly neighbourhood dealer Fearghal: [draws a really crap spiderman] Tess: gonna tat that on me, full credit to yous Fearghal: it is my look too so tah for that Tess: [looks at him like she genuinely hasn't noticed cos lowkey never looks at people if she can help it] Fearghal: [lifts his sleeves where necessary like hiya] Tess: [🙄 but she hasn't looked away so] Fearghal: and that's just the safe for school ones, jailbait Tess: [puts her hand up and is like sir this boy is flirting with me cos she knows he won't actually do anything but she's like um shut up fearghal] Fearghal: [always loling] Tess: try downers Fearghal: what would the chef recommend Tess: I'm not a walking menu Tess: how full's your wallet? Fearghal: not that full Fearghal: but my gaff is shit enough to make me [sad face] Tess: [draws a him with that sad face at a lemonade stand because lemonade is slang for shit drugs I don't think it's scouse but I'm still doing it] Fearghal: [draws a stickman teacher pissing in his cup] Tess: [😏 before she can help it, let's hope her hair is covering her face enough] Fearghal: [draws a landline phone] 123 what's the time and how long we got left Tess: [draws a clock with the time on as it is now and another one with the time they are allowed to leave as if she's challenging him to be able to tell time lol] Fearghal: not flirting with you or nothing but you got the glasses and pencil skirt or have I gotta fork out for them too Tess: [crosses them both out cos she doesn't have either of course and underlines the fork out bit like unlucky] Fearghal: tell all me mates your well expensive, fairplay Tess: tell 'em I ain't for sale and you won't get wrecked Fearghal: sure, lemme hit 'em with my next note Fearghal: [throws it at an empty desk like sup lads] Tess: [draws some ghost 90s fuckboys because amused again] Fearghal: [gives 'em stereotypical scouse names like idk, all of the beatles etc] Fearghal: bessie mates, right Tess: stay close to george, the rest are cunts Fearghal: looking out for me so you can do me in yourself Tess: need you to keep the wolves from my door, irish Tess: dead hero's no use Fearghal: so tell me Fearghal: which one am I, spidey Tess: [shrugs but we all know she's a massive nerd] Fearghal: take superman then Fearghal: 'least draw me the S and I'll see if I've got room on me chest Tess: [draws it at him in the air like] Fearghal: [catches it and thumps on his chest like sorted] Tess: [🙄] Fearghal: [draws a crossed-eyed face with glasses and the teacher bun] Tess: [puts a knife in her hand cos very subtle warning there] Fearghal: [draws target on his back] Tess: [😏] Fearghal: what parties are you hitting tonight Tess: every one Fearghal: busy [🐝] Tess: patronising [drawing of a slug because there isn't an emoji how rude] Fearghal: can put the salt away, meant it, honey [🍯💘] Tess: call me honey again and I'll stab you Fearghal: strangeways, here we come Tess: morgue for yous Fearghal: wish it were a promise, blondie Tess: it is, not a soft lad, i don't only put the tip in, like Fearghal: [puts his hand up like sir this girl is flirting with me] Tess: you wish Fearghal: [does daydream bubble above his cartoon head and sighs IRL so wistfully and dramatically] Tess: [writes I'm a doss cunt in the bubble and makes him be crying] Fearghal: awh, well how'd you know Tess: [points to her eyes like I've got them and use them] Fearghal: pretty Tess: [when you cross it out so dramatically cos you're fuming now because 1. we can all imagine the shit josh used to say 2. she's not allowed to live that way 3. thinks he's just flirting with her like the rest cos she's easy] Tess: fuck off Fearghal: [a bit like ?! but has the decency to hide it like shrugging like alright] Tess: [moody silence be like because can't look at him cos then eye contact and don't think about my eyes please] Fearghal: is charlie coming tonight too Fearghal: [coke] Tess: Yeah Fearghal: y'know what time? Fearghal: [price] Tess: [again idk but let's say she writes it there for him obvs] Fearghal: [does thumbs up when he can catch her eye for a sec] Tess: [nods to show that she saw it but those eyes are dead honey] Fearghal: what do you reckon he peps his coffee up with then [gesturing at the teacher who's so out of it] Tess: scotch [draws a 👃 like figured that out ages ago bye] Tess: teacher's highland cream if he had jokes Fearghal: you're funny even if he ain't Fearghal: not giving him that much credit personally, least that's an actual drink Fearghal: I reckon it's straight paint thinner vodka in that black coffee Tess: he likes to actually drink, irish he's not woman having a midlife crisis Tess: that was his wife Fearghal: so it ain't her red wine leftovers in there Tess: it'd be turned to vinegar Fearghal: [draws broken heart] Fearghal: bless him Tess: you sound like you're a woman having a midlife crisis Fearghal: ugly bitch if I am Tess: sound not look, bitch Fearghal: I get it Fearghal: older women are hot Tess: [crosses it out like no thank you] Fearghal: [draws himself with long hair crying] Tess: [starts putting her hand up again but puts it down immediately cos just for the bants] Fearghal: [is 😏] Fearghal: you'd know if I was Fearghal: reps anything to go by Tess: [draws an arrow to the older women are hot comment even though she put a line through it let's say it's still readable and a 💔 next to it] Tess: too young for you Fearghal: you're gutted Tess: [goes over and over the 💔 until it's really dark and emphasised like yeah obvs] Fearghal: eh carve it on the desk so i know its real, blondie Tess: [does because give a shit] Fearghal: [beats whatever is probably written about them in the bathrooms etc] Tess: [taking a sec to deal with her other notes/drug deals while the teacher is drunkenly asleep like] Tess: carve it into his head so i know it's real, fearghal Fearghal: [the rest of y'all better keep your chill enough so he can get it done then you can all run out early tah, 'DOSS CUNT' is the way to go obvs] Tess: [is so 😏 not fake rn at all] Tess: [people be following her like she's the pied piper cos deals to be done] Fearghal: [goes off like he ain't gonna stay but is actually just going for a piss or whatever so the crowd dies down a bit] Tess: [when you're waiting because you need the cash but it looks like you're shamelessly waiting for him] Fearghal: [walks back when the last kid is leaving and makes a face like 'looks like you'd make lots offa him'] Tess: [giving nothing away by your face because in work mode] Fearghal: [when you sit down on a step, wherever and get out a pouch of baccy and a rizla and start rolling 'cos conflicted 'cos got your own shit you have to save for here but also clearly need to get fucked up atm so- but you offer her the first one 'may as well'] Tess: [gives him a death stare like fuck you I can roll my own and probs better than you but still takes it but deliberately doesn't sit cos gotta keep that distance, blowing smoke like you're so furious he's being a time waster when we all know it's good to take a sec actually] Fearghal: [gives an amused little half-laugh on the exhale of his own smoke at her display 'can't charge me for time, still have 20 minutes in there if it weren't for me, blondie' shrugs] Tess: [just got the 🚬 in your mouth so you can pick at the bitten skin around your nails like it's not sore enough already and pretend like he doesn't exist to you] Fearghal: [just whistling to yourself 'cos you can't do silence] Tess: [when you lowkey kick him like shut up omg because can't pretend he's not there if he won't let you and to remind him you still are like are we doing this deal or nah] Fearghal: [slides the cash over to her on the floor like there you go] Tess: [hands him them droogs after she's picked up and counted the cash of course but she's written her name for him on whatever they're in like there you go 'nickname can go die on it's arse now' but we all know she'd die if he called her by her name actually] Fearghal: [breathes out like really? when he sees her name 'cos coincidences everywhere and shakes his head like 'fuck sake' and a little lol 'as long as you don't stab me for it, I'll stick with Blondie, tah'] Tess: [another death stare because what's wrong with my name fuck you and also so glad I bothered telling you then but crosses her name out like it's so casual which makes me lol cos it looks like she's gonna take her drugs back like none for you bye] Fearghal: [just getting up to either get his drugs or money back but still more bemused than mad, like 'nothing personal, babe'] Tess: [shoves his drugs back at him because don't call me babe] Fearghal: [does a cross over his mouth like whoops and pockets the droogs 'tah'] Tess: [just 🚬 like because as he said nowhere to be yet] Fearghal: [when you're just in your thoughts but trying not to be so you gotta lowkey make smalltalk 'you always lived here?'] Tess: ['the accent's not jarg, irish, is yours?' why is that the word for fake okay then] Fearghal: [can just about follow that one lol 'yeah, reckon it'd make me dead popular, nothing like fitting in' gestures at himself up and down with a grin 'cos does not in any way] Tess: [looks him up and down like 😒 don't protest too much babe 'heard you ain't had no issue finding holes to fit yourself in' cos that milf rumor popping off] Fearghal: ['careful, indifference gets to sounding like jealousy if you shout about it' but shrugs like and what?] Tess: [laughs in a way that would be so much like a fuck you 'proper scouse 101, say a cunt's still got a ma and da under one roof, don't come and fuck that ma under the same, however boss she looks in a nightie and slippers'] Fearghal: [makes a face that's so fake shook 'Well now you tell me, Blondie- No bother, 'cos if I can get in, s'the family that's already broken, not the door, give a fuck if some soft lad-' mimics her accent for that bit- 'and his da are gonna cry about it, his mum weren't'] Tess: [shrugs because lbr if that lad was gonna do anything or his dad they already would have and she's done her bit by 'warning' him for next time] Fearghal: [flicks his ash away and coughs 'if they seem desperate to get caught themselves, I'll reconsider next time, maybe'] Tess: ['it's your life, babe' mimics his accent for the babe because have to if he did it first] Fearghal: [nods like 😏 'nah fairplay my accent is well fit'] Tess: [the most disgusted face she can do and still be serious] Fearghal: [just laughing always 'alright then blondie, see you later'] Tess: [nods because inevitably] Fearghal: [time skip to a party] Tess: [girl be working hard drinking some horrible 90s energy drink that's probably worse for you than drugs because much to do] Fearghal: [can only imagine how gone he and Katya are] Tess: [everyone but her lowkey how bored she'd be] Fearghal: [s'not a mood but this party wouldn't really be anyway we all know it Tess: [story of their lives] Katya: [gonna be looking ravey af, the glitter and neon paint would be so real, coming up like 'hello' like you're already mates] Tess: [when she'd be shook because nobody says hello to her ever but covering it well of course and just giving her a look like what do you want because there's only one reason she's here] Katya: ['You look very bored'] Tess: [has to stop herself from loling because caught off guard again as that wasn't what she expected her to say but just looks at her like let me sell you some drugs and then I'll have something to do] Katya: [looks at her and raises an eyebrow like, I don't buy my own drugs 'Would you like something else to drink?'] Tess: [is conflicted af because obviously would because this party is boring af but like is also working and also we know the state of her father and also doesn't like owing people things which reminds her that she owes Fearghal a smoke so she's like 'where's the irish lad?' because thinks they are fucking/know each other better than they do] Katya: [has a look round genuinely like idk let's see but clearly can't see him or she would've babe, rolls eyes but affectionately 'must be upstairs'] Tess: [shrugs like it's so casual but goes to get a real drink cos fuck it] Katya: [is like 'hey!' 'cos she was gonna get it but smiles and stays put 'cos not gonna follow her that hard] Tess: [is probably ages cos getting waylaid by punters but comes back to stand where she was cos Katya is less annoying than the other dickheads here] Katya: [has just been grooving, with lads she wanna, avoiding the ones she don't like 'scuse me, in that vain running up to Tess and being like 'save me' in her ear so this particular one takes the hint] Tess: [death stares whoever it is like off you fuck now cos you don't wanna start shit with her boy] Katya: [shrugs at him like whoops sorry but is 😏 so evidently not 'Мудак' (Mu-dak, specifically for dudes) as she turns back to Tess, shaking her head] Fearghal: [suddenly popping back up like 'Dunno what you just called me but don't reckon I deserve it, like'] Tess: [is also 😏 because amused by Katya's antics anyway but have to keep the expression on around Fearghal of course and puts a 🚬 in his hand immediately like] Fearghal: [looks at it then at her like confusion 'cos high but then 💡 and nods her way like oh yeah, cheers and puts it behind his ear for later and puts an arm around Katya who is squishing his face like 'never!'] Tess: [when they are nothing like Josh or Summer but it reminds her of having friends so she wants to die just drinking too fast like] Fearghal: [the mood so neither of them is gonna call her out on it even though they see it, Fearghal specifically looking at her like 'Celebrating?' and a face like same 'cos doesn't need saying that obvs not but Katya raising whatever she's got like 'Ha За здоровье!'] Tess: [when she just ignores him and cheers Katya with whatever you're drinking as like I'll be off now but then she sees that the gruesome twosome are here and straight up freezes] Fearghal: [when you both look and are both 😒 like eurgh 'cos wouldn't fuck with either of them as is and like everyone knows who they are in relation to Tess so get why she's reacted like that, so he goes off to get more drinks having to go past them like 'scuse me dickheads and Katya turning her back so Tess can stand her ground and not but still look like they having an in-depth convo 'she was your friend' a statement way more than a question 'I think she would like to be you, she is an idiot'] Tess: [watching them kiss and dance together cos can't look away so I hope Fearghal barges into them even if he didn't need to so she can stop and down the rest of her drink to get rid of the taste of blood in her mouth from holding herself back from doing anything else since she's still got drugs on her like we said, can't be starting drama especially with Summer who's 100% that bitch. About to nod at Katya because she was her friend for such a long time but then snapping the fuck out of that instinct and shaking her head because not anymore clearly and scoffing because yeah Summer is an idiot, who'd wanna be her when she doesn't even wanna] Fearghal: [Katya scoffs back 'She would rather be thought pretty and have boyfriend than have things that matters but this is like all girls our age, yes? Silly, knowing nothing about anything.' Fearghal coming back with three of whatever and shoving one at Tess as quick as she did the cigarette, swapping it for her empty, throwing it not at Summer and Josh but in their general direction 'What would you like to do?' Katya adds, taking a swig of her drink 'We can find you more customers if you would like'] Tess: [literally would wanna say something about how much Josh and the family they were meant to be did matter but not drunk enough for that although she blatantly will be soon cos haven't eaten anything in forever probably and would drink like half the drink he just gave her immediately like what could go wrong here. Finally saying 'Yeah' to both things but so quietly they'd struggle to hear it over this rave if they were anybody else and making herself move into the crowd to get customers instead of away which is what she'd wanna do] Fearghal: [she can go off to get all the lads and clearly get so fucked up 'cos all gonna buy her some too 'cos that's the ploy here, whereas he's gonna stay in sight 'cos shamelessly protective and can step in if anything kicks off with those two] Tess: [god bless, not all heroes wear capes lads, I appreciate less lads for Tess to have to deal with as she's getting white girl wasted in this club] Fearghal: [go have a cry you deserve it lbr] Tess: [just in the bathroom like the girly cliche you're not] Fearghal: [have at it honey, shame he can't smack Josh yet really] Tess: [kick everyone out first though you don't need that to be your rep] Fearghal: [meanwhile actually do smack him 'cos any reason at a party where everyone's fucked up] Tess: [hooray for coming back and them being gone] Fearghal: [small blessings, and they've probably shifted a fair amount between 'em so] Tess: [give this smol drunk child her money lads and she'll try not to cry on you] Fearghal: [all the funds for you] Tess: [give them a drug freebie like thanks even if Katya might wanna save hers for later if she's had loads] Fearghal: [I hope you've cheeked some for later or you'll be so skyhigh/about to die lol] Tess: [when she'd just wanna leave but like that's not her life]

[momo-de-avis]

Hi! So, this may be a bit of a weird question and seem a bit childish but wth why not. So, i'm 22 and i've never had sex. I've had girlfriends and we've done stuff, but for one reason or another it just never got to that. I know that age and sex shouldn't be related things in this prespective but (1/2)

when your friends are all in long-term relationships, when our society revolves so much around sex, it's hard not to feel shitty when thinking about the subject, to not feel like there's something wrong with you and that nobody will ever want you like that, that somehow you're being left behind. Any advice? I hope this doesn't make me seem like a terrible person lol (2/2)

It doesn’t make you seem like a terrible person at all. Its perfectly normal to have those doubts and insecurities, MORE SO in our society that pressures you to have, like, experience in sex, whatever the hell that means.

I don’t know what I can say that will feel like ‘this will work’ but I’ll try my best. One thing that I remember happening a lot was, for example, in nights out when people started playing games of like Never Have I Ever which inevitably end with sex questions. Me? I was the dumb fuck who went ‘NEVER HAVE I EVER BRUSHED MY TEETH’, ‘NEVER HAVE I EVER TOUCHED A HORSE’ and people were like ‘what the fuck ana what’s the point’ and I would just ‘drink up, I just wanna see you plastered’. Instead of being the person that kind of tried to remind people that I never had sex contrary to them, I was going sort of the other way around. Reminding them that maybe everyone around them wasn’t solely focused on sex as a priority, nor did their personalities or identities relied on it, so like, maybe ease a little on the games.

Also, if you can, surround yourself with more positive people. That is, IF you feel the people around you might be reinforcing these negative thoughts, maybe because they say stupid shit like ‘you’re a prude’ (something people love saying for no reason). I remember at one point the ‘games that are played solely for people to spit out their sexual experiences’ suddenly transformed into ‘people sharing their experiences in a constructive way’ to a point where we’d be having conversations about sex with gay men, lesbians, women who had sex with like 3 different guys a week, people who were virgins, people who were in a relationship for very long, etc. And it was very constructive and there was never any judgement. Surrounding yourself with caring people who are open minded and enjoy listening as much as they enjoy speaking is a very positive experience, and I assure you it will make you feel included. And I think, in my case, at a certain point it also taught me to stand up further down the road whenever some douchebag tried to play smart.

Society is a dick in this respect. I genuinely don’t know where this idea that it’s not normal for people to be a virgin in their mid 20s came from because from my experience it’s so, so normal. But there is a pressure, yeah. In some respects, I think it’s even bigger on men than on women, but for entirely different reasons and I suppose it depends on the environment. College I believe can be very toxic on this mindset, because it can be an absolute sausage fest and sometimes it needs a lot of boundaries to like, chill a little.

And I know comparing ourselves to others is very difficult NOT to do. It’s honestly something that takes time and we have to find ways of overcoming and learn new tools to stop ourselves from doing it. You have to shift the focus to yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with you. No matter what you think the issue is. ‘Oh you’re picky’ someone might say---that’s not... bad. That’s another way of saying ‘you have very well established goals and a very secure sense of basically what you want in a partner and that partner hasn’t showed up yet’. I hate using the word picky because of that. You’re not behind anything, I promise you. People take their time for everything, but it’s a complicated process to accept that when society puts a damn time table on nearly everything. But you’re not behind, you’re living your life and you’re doing it at your own rhythm.

Also, when people are in long term relationships while our last up to a year, we have to acknowledge those are two very different cases to compare. I say this as a person who made that mistake. I remember once playing never have i ever and everyone was like ‘i had sex in a public bathroom!!!’ and shit like that and I was the only one who hadn’t done any of those things. I kept joking saying ‘exCUSe me if I enjoy the comfort of a bed!!!!’ then one of the guys turned to me and said ‘but all these weird experiences I’m sharing, they were the result of a 5 year long relationship, it’s not something you just... do, most of the times. I did because at that point, we had enough trust to try it out’. At that point, my longest relationship was 6 months and it really, really put me in perspective. Now that I’ve been in a 3 year long relationship, I finally understand what he meant. It’s not even a matter of time takes you there, it’s a matter of having enough trust with the person, and when that person is around, it might take 3 months, 1 month, 1 day, 1 year to go right to the fucking!!!! Doesn’t matter at all. People are different and communication is key. it’s interesting because one thing that happened to me in my current relationship as well as my last was that we were both on different rhythms. And there was a time when we though, yeah babey get nakey, but then nothing happened not because we were rushing, but because we weren’t synchronized. And it turned out, a few more weeks were needed. And because these were both guys, they were feeling that pressure of ‘I’m a man, this should be easy for me’ but sometimes it isn’t. You have to let your mind settle, and your partner’s duty is to support you and say ‘it’s alright, I’m here when you’re ready, let’s chug down some pudding in the meantime’ or something...

And if people try to find reasons for virginity in this day and age just.. Bruh, it just didn’t happen. Like, I feel like now I’m saying something not to you but a wider audience lmao but: sometimes it just doesn’t happen. It just doesn’t. There’s no mysterious reason, no psychological explanation, no astrological projection like, no Jupiter was not on the right house or whatever, it just didn’t happen. It just didn’t get there. 

It’s a process. I mean, me saying over and over ‘there’s nothing wrong with you!!!!!’ might come out as shallow, or just not mean anything to you. Because it comes from within. It’s how you feel. So I insist on this: it’s a process, no matter how many times I say it. Shift the focus to yourself. Take the chance to look at what you haven’t experienced yet to understand what you would like to experience. Try to absorb the positive side of this sex-driven society. Listen to others and learn the lesson from that. To quote a very good friend of mine, ‘I learned with other people’s mistakes’ lmao but what I mean is a mantra I have in my life that’s helped me a lot in certain identity crisis: eliminate what I don’t want. And hey, I’m saying this and maybe you’re over there reading and thinking ‘done that already’, and if that’s the case, good!!!!! But be kind to yourself as well! Radiate the energy you want to feel around you! Tell yourself every day: there is nothing wrong with me. There are so, so many people out there like me, and none of us are weird or out of the norm, we’re just who we are.

If you want it to hapen, it will happen. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself the way you deserve and demand that from others. Sharpen your senses when you’re out there looking for the one, the ones or maybe even nobody in particular. Be safe and nurture what little confidence you find inside yourself. Transform your insecurity. If you want to get your mind off the subject, find activities you enjoy, like a hobby or whatever pleases you, or learn something new--just something that can keep you busy in the long term (again, I say this as someone with a tendency to like.. obsess over minor stuff)

So like this is very vague, I know. And I hope it does help in one way or another. You’re a wonderful person anon, this society is tailored to shitty ideals and a lot of people fall prey to it. We really, REALLY need to normalize the idea of not being in a relationship in your twenties, not having had sex, not being engaging in sex... We really need to normalize all of that because it is normal, it’s so normal that I kind of felt at one point that I was being lied to, you know. Because I’ve met way more people that don’t fit the standards than the opposite. So like, whatever this society is dictating, that’s what’s not normal. 

I think you’re already halfway there anyway, because it seems to me you acknowledge these issues with a clear conscience. It’s only a matter of acceptance, and that’s the hard work. that’s why I insist: be kind to yourself!! And remember I am rooting for your success and for you to get what you want, anon. Live your life the way you want to, practice good and tell yourself.I’m a cool ass human being. And oh god I hope this helped in some way!! ❤❤

[omglr]

your media is lying to you, my media is not... a 2 hour circle jerk.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You both like climate change.

You: howdy

Stranger: hey

You: so, climate change eh?

You: pretty shitty

Stranger: do you believe this?

You: yeah

You: you?

Stranger: i dont

You: oh, ok

You: why not?

Stranger: in the 80's they talked about a ice time coming. climate change is just a way to make people open up their wallets and make more money

You: you might also consider that climate denial is also a way to line the pockets of people who are in power and don't want change

Stranger: no since most people in power support climate change. except countries like china and trump

You: China believes in Climate change though

Stranger: if they did they would take action. if they truly believed

You: https://newrepublic.com/article/155136/what-china-bad-response-climate-crisis

You: they have been

Stranger: they dont take action at all they build more factory's. China is not going with this climate change flow. if they really believed they would take drastic actions. actions speak louder then words

You: lol, ok

Stranger: just because the media tells this about china doesnt mean its true you know

You: mmmmm, well where do you get your media from?

You: like, if you can't trust sources of information, how are you forming your world view?

Stranger: i from my world view to listen to anyone and read every news. then it's easy to compare. if like you only visit one news site your doing it all wrong. and since i started doing this i can see through the lies

Stranger: many news website for example have a political agenda. after all even news people are voters and believe something. they are not neutral

You: so all the scientific journals that say climate change is real, humans are behind it and if we don't take action we'll all die are just propaganda?

Stranger: well, they asked like a couple hundred scientist about this climate change. many scientist disagree but were not taken in this enquete! many people dont know this. this is how they got their 80% thing which is false

You: is the United Nations trust worthy?

https://www.un.org/en/climatechange/science.shtml

Stranger: no lol. United nations and trust. if you trust them your long way from home

You: just asking

Stranger: no offense tho

You: it seems like your mind is made up

Stranger: well no first i was like hmm climate change let me read in. and when i did and think for myself and heard from all sides i knew this is bullshit

You: does the occurrence of 4 or 5 type five hurricanes each summer suggest there is a problem?

Stranger: no. you know why a hurricane comes?

You: why?

Stranger: The earth has its own temperature device like a inner clock to cool itself down. hurricane do this they cool down the inner core of the earth. over the centuries tons and tons of hurricanes been there. they point it out now in the media to make you scared and you fall for it

You: ok, cool, so the earth has ways to solve climate change on its own

You: do you think we'll survive the earths mechanisms?

Stranger: the earth has its own way to deal with when the inner core gets too hot yes. like our body can do this too when we have a fever

Stranger: yes i do think

You: well, its sounds great

Stranger: it does. i dont fall for people anymore who trying make me afraid all to make more money cause thats what its about in the end

You: i mean, i would love to have such an out look based on wishful thinking

Stranger: i can recommend it to everyone to see trhu the lies

You: so if climate change activists teamed up with anti-capitalist movement would you be more interested?

Stranger: few years ago they said there is a hole in the horizon, remember? nothing you hear about this anymore. it wass to make you scared. now its climate change. way way before was they said there is coming a ice time

Stranger: no

You: the o-zone?

Stranger: yes

You: yeah, i guess they said, consumers should stop buying hairspray and aerosole products

Stranger: yeah exactly they made us afraid with this o-zonde story. before that in the 80' they said ice time and now its climate change

You: and then they said... well shit these uv rays could cause problems down the way

Stranger: yeah and we are still here

You: and we are facing problems with a hot ass earth

Stranger: nah

You: like hurricaines

Stranger: its raining here lol

You: like the plankton in the ocean dying

You: like forest fires

You: like the polar caps melting

Stranger: did you know that many years ago in egypt there was water and jungle where now is dessert?

You: yeah, dude, it happened due to deforestation

Stranger: forest fires like the one in brasile have been every year before you were born. you hear it now cause it aids their agenda

Stranger: it happened yes but not because us humans

You: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Green_Wall

Stranger: you shouldn't believe wikipedia literally everyone can add something in. this is what i mean think for yourself dont believe everything on the web you read

You: lol

Stranger: i can go wikipedia now and change things

Stranger: its that easy

You: i understand how it works

You: it does have a community based vetting process

Stranger: well then you know many people add wrong information to make you believe the things

Stranger: i readed a lot on wikipedia stuff that were inaccurate so i stopped using it

You: ok, but, you understand the Green wall is a real project the African union is working on right?

Stranger: could be. there are so many climate and green projects i lost count

Stranger: i separate my trash because i know plastic is bad for our nature. cause this you can see and its proven. so i do this. but not because climate change

You: good job

Stranger: i own a bike instead of car cause i know its dirty air and better for health. now for example angela merkel from germany went to united nations meeting in three separated airplanes with staff

Stranger: all hypocrites

Stranger: they know they sell a lie

Stranger: barrack obama bought a house in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sea

Stranger: prince harry gave climate speech day after took private airplane wich is double dirty

You: donald trump built walls around his ocean side property to prevent rising water from fuckin them up

Stranger: donald trump doesnt believe in climate change. barrack obama does! now why he bought house with land if he was so afraid the sea gonna rise. he knows its a lie the left-party sells people and everyone fooled

You: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/exxon-knew-about-climate-change-almost-40-years-ago/

You: this is a pretty interesting article

Stranger: But what do you make of that? Angela Merkel in three separates airplanes. Prince Harry after climate speech in private dirty airplane. Leaonardo dicrapio uses his private jet more then we will ever fly. what you say to this? these people who wanna sell you climate change

You: shrug??? rich people got places to be

Stranger: so thats your excuse?

You: we can/should hold them accountable

Stranger: they are rich people who need to go places so then its okay?

Stranger: they want you to pay taxes over airplanes but they can fly often in private jets. lol wake up

You: idk man, i guess we should invest in better trains?

Stranger: no. we should start with out leaders and celebrities who sell you and i climate scare stories. and then use private jets a lot and use it more then we ever will fly. they are big hypocrites

Stranger: instead of blaming the people we should start with them

You: mmmm, they are just people though

Stranger: but they use their power and influence to make you scared and pay taxes

You: we should probably blame companies who pay less taxes then they should and exploit their workers and the environment

Stranger: isn't it hyprocite that you have own private jet and use it much in a year, and i mean really much. but then say to everyone climate change is coming we should add fly taxes and you should pay more insurance

You: like, i'm litterally too poor to pay taxes, but i am happy to suggest that rich people pay more taxes

Stranger: here exactly you are too poor to pay taxes and still they want you to pay more!! but themselves they keep living their wealthy life

You: yeah man, so you are into anti-capitalism after all?

Stranger: now what i say instead of pumping all this money into waste projects for climate change. give it back to the people. so people like you have lower taxes and better healthcare and more income so the economy grows

You: lol, oh nevermind

Stranger: aslong you cant even pay taxes why the hell you support them plans they even wanna you pay more taxes its insane

You: what? i make like 25 grand a year and pay no taxes, cause i am floating on the poverty line, but yeah, Jeff Bezos should pay taxes, probably 95% of his wealth should be seized and put to use on infrastructure and sustainable living projects to improve the life of the average and poor person

Stranger: yeah well that's not gonna happen. rich people stay rich.

You: but yeah, climate action is just a scheme to make money, and change is bad

Stranger: the system is not made to make rich people poor

You: does that not bother you?

Stranger: ofc it does. it bothers me that there are millionaires who buy golden cars and some people cant even afford healthcare. it's sick! but thats how the system works. rich people stay rich and poor stays poor

You: so... if there was a movement that helped mobilize people to change that would you be interested?

Stranger: people are waking up slowly, not many people but more then 10 years ago. they started think for themselves and see through this big lies. if there was a movement i believed in i supported them ofc.

Stranger: look how many people buy this climate bullshit. its insane how easy people get fooled

Stranger: if you tell a lie long enough, eventually it becomes the truth

You: well i don't know man, I believe in climate change, but i also believe in raising class consciousness and kicking rich peoples asses, i think tackling them together makes a lot of sense...

Stranger: well those rich people you wanna tackle made up this climate change, to make more money out of you!

You: so, you know, you continue to believe what Exxon wanted you to believe in the 1980s

You: i'lll keep do what i'm doing

Stranger: if you wanna kick the rich people then stop buying their bullshit. that simple

You: idk man, rich people also want to gut the social safety net programs in my country and kill the environmental protections we put in place too, that doesn't sound like a great idea

You: like, i get that it seems weird that Matt Damon is using his platform to talk about climate change when he won't stop using planes to get places to talk about it

Stranger: Do you know this Greta? This child climate activist?

You: yeah?

Stranger: well this Greta her manager works for the company of george soros. world riches man! dont you see it? its all a big lie

You: uh.... lol

Stranger: you can google this

Stranger: fact check it

Stranger: its true

You: she also famously sailed to new york on a sail boat

Stranger: this greta is a child en they use her because children make people weak and soft and you buy the lies

You: her message is, "listen to scientists and stop betting against my generations future"

Stranger: her message is what they told her to say

You: lol, ok man

Stranger: it is not a coincidence that her manager works for george soros. it is not a coincidence. that should already show you something

You: again, your message is what exxon wants you to say

You: like you are doing this work pro-bono

Stranger: what work?

You: spreading the message that inaction is the right thing to do

Stranger: didnt you hear me? i told to take action against the lies!

You: shrug

Stranger: and lol i have a bike, separate trash, never flied, eat biologic. so dont come to me saying i dont take action. i do more then enough but what i dont do is fall for lies

You: i am gonna take action to prevent extinction

Stranger: lol

Stranger: we wil survie this wake up

You: ok, cool

You: we will

Stranger: you got fooled and believe in lies. think for yourself

You: I am down for the human race surviving

You: again, we can both say think for yourself over and over

Stranger: aslong as we humans think for ourself and listen God's word we will survive and we will stay strong

You: ok dude

You: :) i beleive in us

Stranger: why dude. thats so negative lol

You: we can do this

You: oh sorry, just a regional affect

Stranger: i think you and i think about many things the same only with all respect you fall for the lies and i woke up

You: well man, i think you and i think about many things the same only with all respect you fall for the lies and i woke up

You: agreed

Stranger: well no. cause you follow the climate change lies. so no i dont agree at all.

Stranger: you havent woke up you believe in media news that climate change is killing us

Stranger: how many times have this same media told that donald trump is gonna get removed through the years lol

Stranger: they sell lies

You: lol

You: perhaps the states is an oligarchy?

Stranger: and is copying my message exactly to the last word thinking for yourself or repeating what i said? like you repeating what the media says

You: i am just saying, "i know you are but what am i?" and its childish, but the point that i think you believe lies too, and they are convenient to rich people staying in power and hurting poor people whether its by poor people dying by climate change or poor people dying by poverty

You: like, to me class warfare is intertwined

Stranger: if you think rich people dont stay in power then idk who falls her for the lies

You: i am hoping they won't in the future, but we'll see

Stranger: they will lol. its a disney story to believe else

You: is that a typo, or an awesome metaphor?

Stranger: both

You: lol

You: its great

Stranger: over the centuries rich people stayed rich. and poor stayed poor. not the future gonna change this

Stranger: doennt mean i wish to see it different but be realistic is also the key

Stranger: in my dream world nobody is poor. this never gonna happen its not realistic

You: welp, i mean, if we all die via climate meltdown, it will be a classless planet

Stranger: we dont die of climate. we rather die of greed and warfare and overpopulation

You: mmm... the treat of over-population is also a myth spread by rich eugenicists and could easily be solved if we dissolved capitalism in favour of food and resource distribution networks

You: but yeah, greed and warfare for sure

Stranger: lol no. overpopulation is real i see it in my own country

You: where do you live?

Stranger: the netherlands. we dont have enough houses! land is full. now 17 million... in 2050 there are 20 millions

Stranger: i can see it effect already here so i know its real

You: what? there are 20 millon people in my city

Stranger: holland is very small country. we have 17 million now. and in 2050 20 million

Stranger: but now already not enough houses

You: ok man, so maybe people will migrate or build houses/buildings/skyscrapers?

You: there is enough land to spread out on elsewhere

Stranger: migrate? thats not a solution cause sooner or later other lands are full aswell

Stranger: lol no

Stranger: have you ever been in europe

You: yeah

Stranger: you lived here or just visited

You: visited for multiple months

Stranger: yeah. well if you live here long time. you see things different. same thing as if i would go live there with you that i see things different

Stranger: the land is full. immigration is a killer

You: still the origin of "the treat of over-population" comes from eugenicists

Stranger: the origin of the immigration comes from wars in middle-east made up by governments sponsoring terrorist cells to overthrow governments in middle-east for either money or oil. those people flee and come here and stay here

Stranger: every month people comes here by 1000

Stranger: but media keeps it silence

Stranger: cause media is not neutral

You: yeah, man.... like, the media is probably in cahoots with 'big oil'?

Stranger: no the media is founded and sponsored by left-people. thinking immigration is good and should continu. so any negative news regarding it wont be in the news

Stranger: people who dont see this are truly blind

You: lol, its possible that rich people are co-opting leftist narratives to get you to have compassion for displaced immigrants so that they can continue to exploit the resources in these other countries

Stranger: Well, Holland is in Europe controlled by Europe Union. Europe Union sees and wants immigration as the world should be mixed. thats what they believe in. they make the laws for us. the left-media are people who think alike, hence why never any negative news regarding immigration is here. police have been told to keep down reports about immigration people who steal, rob, rape to not make them look bad and to make everyone believe it is good

You: also, if climate change is real, the people who are gonna get effected earliest are brown folks near the equator, so not having compasion for them is convenient, kinda why lots of right wing folks are leaning into white-nationalism in north america

Stranger: immigration here doesnt happen cause climate change i already pointed out

You: yeah.... it happens here,

Stranger: i believe when you say that. you know you country better then i do. but trust me also if i tell you this about my country

Stranger: there are many racist also out there sadly

You: yeah its awful

Stranger: it is. racist is so low-key. and narrow-minded

You: lots of cruelty in the world and misplaced anger

Stranger: but its easy to call someone a racist so they dont have to discuss the actual problem

Stranger: here everyone calls you racist quickly

Stranger: so they dont have to discuss the actual problem i just told you

You: well dude, we've been chatting for like an hour and a half, i should probably go make a sandwich or go for a walk

You: its been a good convo though

Stranger: and vote trump

You: lol, no i doubt i would do that

Stranger: hahha i thought you say that

You: i am also canadian

Stranger: ahhhhhhh

Stranger: nice

Stranger: but your prime minister sucks

Stranger: crybaby

You: gonna vote for the NDP

Stranger: whats that lol

You: it's the new democrats party, they are left of the liberals who are in power now

You: likely due to this racist black face fiasco the liberals will lose and either the conservatives and their super regressive racist agenda will win, or the NDP

You: ndp has lots of good socialist policies

Stranger: yeah its insane that you cant dress up as a black person on a party for halloween lol

You: mmmm, i mean, yeah its racist

Stranger: no its not. its a halloween party lol

You: i think blackface is more common in scandanavia?

Stranger: im really sick of these racist callers crybaby's. they ruin all the fun and always yell "racist"

You: like... their is some kinda chimney sweep character?

You: does that sound familiar or is that somewhere else?

Stranger: hey it's a halloween party you can dress like my grandma it should be possible. people get insulted way way too fast if you ask me

Stranger: yeah sound familiar

You: like, he was dressed up as aladdin, he could have done that with out painting himself black

You: that's sorta the issue

Stranger: i'm anti-racists. they are low people. but come on dressing up on halloween being called racist lol

Stranger: aladdin is black after all or dark. nobody gives a shit only the crybaby's

Stranger: if aladdin was white you would hear NOBODY about this

You: like, the aladdin in the disney cartoon was light skinned dude voiced by a white guy

You: had he worn the same outfit, but not painted his face and body black, that would have been different

Stranger: aladdin was tanned color, not dark but like tanned dark if you can say this. but whatever. if you cant dress up like black aladdin and people cry over this THAT shows exactly what is wrong with those people. always yelling racist while this guy isn't even racist at all lol

You: like, idk, its perhaps a north american issue cause of our slavery and vaudville history

Stranger: yeah people just like to yell racist and cry. its really sick. its says more about them if you ask me

Stranger: if someone dress up like a white cartoon i dont give a shit nor other white people

Stranger: black people stay playing victim

You: i mean, its annoying cause the conservative who are actively working against people of colour are using it to cry racist and win control

You: like, so that's the part that annoys me the most is that we are gonna end up with a much more actively racist government

You: but anyway.... its a whole thing

Stranger: working against someone based ONLY because their skin color is so sad! judging someone on their skincolor is sad! But dressing up like a dark disney figure using bit too much dark makeup and people get angry.... those angry people are sad

Stranger: there are bigger work problems like a aladdin costume lol

Stranger: then a ****

Stranger: but nowadays you cant say any joke about black people or jews or you are called racist

Stranger: its insane

You: i feel like you are baiting me to call you racists by pointing out these actions you mentioned are infact racist actions

Stranger: i have a friend who is jew and a friend who is black and we joke about this things and we are good friends. thats how its suppose to be not taking everything so serious

Stranger: you can call me racist lol i dont give a f*** i know what i am and what i am not

You: its possible they don't feel like they have the social capital to tell you it annoys them and that friendship with bigoted people is better than being alone because of feelings of low self-worth (cause by accepting racism)

Stranger: no they make same jokes and last time we laughed with tears about a joke my jew friend made

Stranger: we understand humor

You: ok, well, you know your scene

Stranger: yeah. unfortunately most people are fast insulted and cry fast. but not taking everything so serious and being able to make jokes should be possible its even healthy

You: ok bud, i really do have to go, you take care!

Stranger: you too

You: thanks

You have disconnected.