#itjustweirdlyhelps

[spoopy-queer]

my life has kind of exploded in the last 15 hours. im only just now alone even tho i kinda feel like i shouldnt be but i mean i should be ok for a few hours before i have to go to group.  i basically had a major panic attack and ended up talking to my dad on vid chat for four hours till my mom could come get me. i havent really talked a lot to him lately so it was weird at first to admit how ive fucked up lately and need help to straighten things out and make a plan. ive just been kind of “meh”-ing life lately and during that amassed debt i dont know how to handle at all and cant really pay my rent anymore.  well i cant.  i only paid some with help but my shit has reached a point where last morning i either had to tell the truth and show my fuck ups or just give up on life. and im at least at a point where i dont want to give up. i want to be at a place again where im genuinely excited for things and have some passion for the things i do. lately i barely feel a spark with anything.  so im going to be couch surfing the next month or more. theres always a bed at my grandmas for me but she lives in the next town over and thats like an hour to drive from there to the city center where my group therapy takes places.  i feel really ashamed and hate how i just let things stew i guess till i had no other choices.   dont really know what the next two months are gonna be like. i might have to move to my dads in spain for a month to just kind of get away tbh.  i dont know why im writing this and posting but sometimes in the past ive vented on here and its somehow freeing to just let it out before i tell my friends.  like hey uh ive been doing bad as you guys know but yeh its kinda worse than ive been letting on. also is it ok if i could crash sometimes on your couch or steal a shower?  i feel more at ease tho, ive already started packing and will prolly finish tomorrow. and my dad is going to help me make a deal with my loans to pay them off slowly. according to him i should have it under control in a few months. ugh im so tired and need to shower badly.  things are very up in the air rn but hopefully ill have a solid plan in a few days.  this is also just a reminder to myself i can ask for help. and i should. it sucks having to but im just in a place where i have to. for even small things like my sister or mom is going with me tomorrow between stores to get boxes for my stuff cause i dont think i can by myself hahah. 

ok im going to shower now. try to sleep, go to group later, answer my messages that ive ignored the past day and continue packing.