#it's whatever. i'm drinking a ginger beer and scrolling. shit could be worser
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would that knowing the thoughts were irrational would Make Them Go Away!!!!
#medic's log#because i value some degree of privacy tumblr will not receive the full context#but i had a friend cancel plans i was really looking forward to#for reasons that are extremely very fair and honestly it's for the best that she Did#since i think going through with them would have put undue stress on her mental health. if not also Mine#but goddamn if it's not making me feel like absolute garbage#there's only so many ways (one. maybe two) that she can say 'i promise it's not personal' before i become the problem. el em ay oh.#and like. i Know this is me. i know this is the horrific confluence of too little sleep#and forgot to take my meds for two days#and the flavor of mental illness that makes any kind of rejection a Stab To The Heart#and the inability to handle plans changing#but also. that does not stop The Catastrophizing#the ability to reschedule these particular plans is. potentially nonexistent and i'm in my feelings about it#i know this literally isn't the case but by god does it feel like i'm being passed up as a second choice for someone more preferable#both friends involved in this have told me Multiple Times they value me in their lives and yet the little voice goes#'ohohoho you fool they are just saying that to be Polite'#never mind that both of them are so well known (in general and by me specifically) for laying down very specific boundaries without shame#so if they didn't want me around they'd fucking tell me#but also i super do not know how to broach with both of them 'hi this is a thing i'd like to do at some point' without sounding#so fucking Needy.#idk. shit sucks.#shit could suck infinitely worse but that doesn't stop the rock in my house Being There Loudly#i think i need to sleep and then SING LOUDSTYLE in the car for a bit#and then text both of them and reestablish a line of communication outside of The Plans#to make my brain go 'hey fuckwad i promise these two people actually like you'#at this point i'm basically normal but i'm trying to parse all the feelings so they don't hit a boiling point. Later.#it's whatever. i'm drinking a ginger beer and scrolling. shit could be worser#godspeed tumblr thank you for listening to my woes.#also probably a good sign that i haven't made one of these types of posts on this blog in. awhile#less good sign that i'm making one now but. you know lmao
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