#it's very difficult to get across the chaotic energy of this exchange with words alone

[fullmoonhijinks]

Kaitlyn: You’re gonna say the first word that pops into your head, okay? Ready? Kaitlyn: Sponge. Dylan: Sponge! Nick: Yellow. Jacob: Sponge. Dylan: That was mine. Kaitlyn: Let's try again. I’m gonna say “sponge” one more time, first word that pops into your head. Ready, 1, 2, 3; sponge. Dylan: Nick: Jacob: Sponge.

[stayatinycarat20]

Hellevator

Warnings:Mentions of a panic attack and painkillers (in case anyone gets triggered by this).

Angsty I guess? Chan centric.

Italics are lyrics, they do not belong to me, they belong to SKZ and JYP.

***

Woojin leaves, SKZ falls apart.

But Chan takes it worst.

He knows he’s passively self destructive, but it takes him weeks to realise that as the leader of stray kids, he has to pick everyone up, but what about him?

When Woojin left, a part of Chan broke, he took the hit hardest, being so incredibly close to him. The feeling couldn’t be compared to anywhere near what he felt when Minho and Felix were eliminated, when he’d promised not to leave them behind, his heart was breaking. But this- felt like he was choking on plain air, drowning in sorrow, almost dying while living. They’d been given this sense of hope and security, so naturally no one saw it coming and when woojin left, Chan could only blame himself.

For not being a better leader, for not being able to tell Woojin it was gonna be okay, for letting stray kids break apart.

So being the leader, he had to take responsibility for what he believed was his mistake, he was the one who had to pick up the broken pieces of stray kids, of course, they all suffered, losing a brother who had a long way to go with them. The separation became the catalyst for uncertainty, doubt and failure. All they could do was do their best not to let it get to them.

My life was rock bottom, an edge of a cliff

It was inevitable of course, the way they called for Woojin now and then, ordering his favourite food when getting takeout, an extra plate at the dinner table. When chan counted 8 instead of 9, the words would die on his lips like a taboo secret that they weren’t allowed to talk about.

“Has anyone seen Wooji- “

The way he’d cut himself off and that look that crossed his face, like he despised himself, went unnoticed by all the members. Woojin was a pillar, the most observant, the person with the natural authority. He had the power to control the chaotic energy of the maknae line and the overworking he often witnessed across the whole group and in exchange, Chan looked after him, making sure he’d also eaten, that he took breaks occasionally, they relied on each other most, a mutual understanding that had developed, allowing each other to cross the boundaries the other members weren’t allowed to.

No one else quite understood the weight of being a leader, Woojin had, because he was the oldest and now that responsibility fell on Chan, he couldn’t keep up with everything.

I hold out my hand But no one is there to grab it

Chan had often considered asking Minho to help with some stuff, since he was the second oldest, but he was never in a great mood. As one of the core dancers of SKZ, everyone knew he had a tendency to overwork himself when he’s frustrated, his moves would become sloppy and uncoordinated and when anyone asked for help, he’d snap if they didn’t get it immediately. Chan sensed this getting more and more frequent after Woojins departure, so he had to order more breaks and put a limit on the time members could use the practice room. He took extra precautions that Minho didn’t have to teach any members the choreo, by learning it as fast as possible, not giving himself any slack at all.

Cruel and fearful days I’m enduring through alone

After Minho and Hyunjin, Chan would always be the next to learn it, he was always ready to teach it to the others, just in case Minho was in a mood and in that situation Chan found it even more difficult to ask for help from him. Every evening he’d catch Minho in the practice room, and be forced to kick him out for the night, before heading to the studio to check on Changbin and Jisung…

He’d tutor Felix Korean when they both had time, the latter became increasingly frustrated with him, often ending up in him pushing chan away and going away for a break. Jeongin spent evenings observing Minho, so Chan took extra time to make sure he was confident on the dance, trying to reduce the workload for the members. Seungnim was a little less dependent on chan, he and Changbin were more of the type to suffer in silence, they were roommates and they just naturally got along well. Jisung was one of the worst, he would stay in his room whenever they didn’t have a schedule, not even coming out for food, everytime Chan would take something to him or save some, but he witnessed Jisung eating less and less…

Tensions between the members were also high, Changbin and Jisung had a huge argument over a recent track and how they would split Woojins part between the members, afterwards when Chan tried to diffuse the tension he received harsh words that made him regret interfering in the first place.

“CHAN HYUNG I thought I asked you to ask for an extension for the track? Why did JYP call me saying it’s already 3 days overdue?”

“I’m sorry Binnie, I must’ve forgotten to tell him, I’ll talk to Jyp nim, you carry on working”

It wasn’t until the 4th week after Woojin had left that Chan realised he was suffering. Where they were one member down, JYP had cut their budget, but because of preparing for a new comeback, they were short on money. Which meant there were days that breakfast was just a fruit or bread and very little for lunch. Woojin was the best with finance so that also provided a gap within the group, Chan took over shopping and cooking duties as well. He could cook decently, but the issue was, most of the time he wouldn’t cook enough because they were short on ingredients, he’d only find time to shop 2x a week. With Jisung eating less there was a little more food, but in his mind that wasn’t healthy for him, Chan tried to slip him some extra food now and then, to make sure he wouldn’t lose an unhealthy amount of weight, but ultimately he forgot about himself.

He fell into a habit, breakfast, skip lunch and then a little dinner. When he tried on a shirt for practice, and it hung off his frame a little, he finally forced himself to look in the mirror. And all he saw was a mess. His eyes looked hollow with dark circles, hair all over the place and since when had his muscles disappeared? His last 2 ribs were visible and Chan caught himself repeating an action he’d become no stranger to since his trainee years. He ran his fingers across his chest counting 4 ribs in total and his fingers gently hooked towards the bottom of his rib cage, he could feel it in his hands. It used to be an unhealthy obsession, to try and hold his rib cage so he could ensure there was no fat between the layers and now it indicated very clearly that he was losing both muscle and fat.

It wasn’t that Chan didn’t care, he did, he really tried to look better, get more sleep, gain more muscle.

I’m trying to look for an exit Take myself out from being trapped in the darkness

But all it resulted in was more fatigue and hunger with the current situation, he obviously couldn’t afford to eat anymore, not since the other members needed it, so he tried to hide it.

Slowly, SKZ was healing, getting used to this new family of 8, where Woojin was slowly being forgotten and they began to come together, interact more, but somehow, Chan felt like he was still down a hole. His music wouldn’t work, his dance was getting worse and he felt like he’d fallen down a spiral he couldn’t climb out of. He could only feel himself falling deeper and deeper, the darkness spread over everything and at some point he stopped being in the light. walking in a dark tunnel. The worst part was that he was getting better at putting up this mask, he no longer felt any emotions, just getting by day after day on autopilot. Tired wings of passion. Just emptiness.

The other members were yet to notice anything was wrong with their leader, he was always busy doing leader stuff and when he was at the dorm, he’d be cooking or cleaning or sleeping.

But JYP had noticed his deteriorating state, forcing him to see a therapist, even promising a break if he needed, because they couldn’t lose such a unique idol to the path so many others had strayed...

Timeskip

Before a performance at an award show.

“Chan hyung, apparently we’re performing Miroh, because they had to change the schedule, could you double check with the managers?” Minho was taking out his ear piece as he glanced at Chan, before Jeongin cut in...

“Wait- they changed the schedule? B-but I -haven’t learnt -miroh as good -as My pace…” He was gasping through the sentence and visibly trembling, Chan predicted a possible panic attack coming on, so he rushed towards Jeongin and sat him down away from the others, just as he started sobbing. He gently drew circles on his hand, trying to calm him down,

“Jeongin listen to me, I need you to breathe-“ the door creaked open and in a very short amount of time he was interrupted,

“INNIE?!” Hyunjin rushed in, towards Chan and a crying Jeongin, immediately assuming the worst, “CHAN WHAT DID YOU DO?!”

And the sobbing got even worse as Chan was pulled out of the way and thrown to the ground, a huge thud resounded but it was barely heard over Jeongin’s cries. Minho pulled Chan away from the ground, beginning to ask whether he was okay, but Chan simply stepped away and headed out of the dressing room. He could hear a high pitched ringing resounding through the room and a sharp pain shooting from his back to his neck. He tried to move his head around but each move sent him into relentless pain. He would just have to endure it and hope for the best, although he was a little astounded at Hyunjin’s reaction he didn’t want to go back even if it was his responsibility, he was sure Hyunjin would probably do better than him anyway.

I’m running so I can forget

The walk to the crew area was short and he searched for the scheduling manager, who caught sight of him and walked over quickly. After a quick bow Chan began,

“Sorry to bother you, one of my members said there was a schedule change, so I wanted to confirm what song we’d be performing?” The girl looked down at the clipboard,

“You’ll be performing Miroh in 30 minutes Chan-ssi.”

“Ah I see, is there anyway to change the song, because some of the members haven’t prepared for it?”

“I-I can talk to the production team and ask if that’s possible, I’m not sure though, please wait here.”

“Sure, thank you.” Chan did his best to relax his neck and control the pain…

I’m on a hellevator

Meanwhile at the dressing room

“Jeongin! Jeongin, listen to me, just breathe okay, remember the breathing pattern, breathe in til 4, hold to 7 and exhale. Do it with me. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.”

The sobbing slowly died down, occasionally gasping breaths and murmurs of reassurance from Hyunjin.

Minho had walked out to find Chan, and the rest of the members had finally returned.

They looked at Jeongin, now asleep against Hyunjin in concern, as Jisung began to speak:

“Jinnie, did something happen?” Hyunjin then proceeded to explain,

“I walked in and he was crying for some reason, Chan was sitting in front of him, I think he said something to Innie…” Jisung and Changbin looked furious, but Felix and Seungmin seemed unsure.

Felix spoke up,” I don’t think Chan hyung would’ve told him off or anything, I mean think about the way he would treat Jeongin before, he was always patient enough to go through the dance and stuff.” There was a hum of agreement, but Seungmin spoke.

“A-actually I overheard a conversation, JYP nim was speaking to Chan, I couldnt hear it fully but I remember hearing things like: ‘improve, it’s not your fault, … or else kicked out of the group… consequences to actions, take a break.’ I-I don’t know but Jeongin has been underperforming lately, since he had to catch up with all that school stuff?”

“Was losing Woojin not enough?!” A flinch ran through the room from Changbins words…

“Now Chan wants to tear apart the WHOLE GROUP? HASN’T HE DONE ENOUGH? Getting Woojin kicked out in the first place- I already found it hard to respect Chan as the leader when he misses at least 1 practice a week, but this is TOO MUCH. I’M NOT GONNA STAND FOR IT ANY LONGER.”

Hyunjin’s voice broke out in a whisper, “we need to do something, tell JYP nim. Maybe Chan really is the problem. But what do we even say?”

“We can’t mention this to Innie, it’ll break him, he trusted Chan so much.”

“Guys let’s just step back and think for a moment. We don’t have any facts…” felix couldn’t help but see how grossly unfair this was to chan and he was shocked that the other members could suggest such things.

Suddenly Chan walked in, his face didn’t indicate that he’d heard anything, but he had. He heard everything they said. Maybe it was because it was futile to clear up the misunderstanding or maybe because Chan was hurting too badly, but he couldn’t bring himself to explain.

I need to set up a trap called failure

So he put on the mask and a smile to hide the pain, “hey guys, so I checked the schedule and I managed to get it changed to My Pace, so that’s what we’re gonna be performing, we’re on in 10…”

The atmosphere wasn’t as awkward as it could’ve been as a crew member walked in asking them to head backstage and Chan quickly did a head count, “has anyone seen Minho?” A chorus of no’s replied and he headed towards Jeongin to wake him, only for Jisung and Hyunjin to block him, “I think you’ve done enough.”

Chan nodded, feeling the pain start to play up again, thankfully he’d also asked for painkillers and he’d downed 5 or 6 of them before the pain had even mildly gotten better. He walked out towards backstage, soon joined by the rest of the members and he could feel a pair of eyes on him, turning he saw Jeongin and gave a small smile, to which the younger returned.

The pain was beginning to return, a dull, throbbing sensation, but he simply endured.

I’m riding on my pain and my tears

The performance began and the shouts of fans filled the space, but for some reason, Chan wasn’t fully awake. He was on autopilot again, a machine rather than a person. And with the final note of My Pace, Chan felt his body on fire. He rushed towards the dressing room, not greeting the other idols, like the rest of his members did and rushed towards the toilets after grabbing his bag. He narrowly made it before throwing up mainly bile and water whilst his throat burned, the pain was unbearable so he took another 5 painkillers, the pulsing finally getting quieter before he headed back to the dressing room. Inside he could hear the conversation going on.

“He didn’t even greet the sunbaenims, did you see the way he behaved?” A scoff was heard.

 Chan braced himself before walking inside with his cheerful mask on.

“Great work everyone, we can go home after the award show and JYP nim allowed us to take a month off.” Everyone looked at him in shock, clearly in disbelief.

“Chan hyung are you sure… We were in the middle of promotions?”

“Haha, yup I know, but he assured me they could be dealt with after the break, so when we go home, enjoy I guess!”

He was met with a shocked silence but he laughed it off and changed into a suit, preparing for the awards ceremony.

Timeskip

It was around 11pm, but Chan couldn’t get to sleep, he was deep in thought when Jeongin had walked into the kitchen,

“Hyung, thank you. And I’m so sorry about Hyunjin hyung, I kind of remember what happened, but not fully… But thank you for apeverything.” He threw his arms around Chan, evidently noticing the lack of muscle and abundance of bone, when he placed his head on Chans chest. He said nothing but squeezed him tight,

“You don’t have to thank me Innie, that’s my job as the leader, to take care of you.”

“But it’s your job to take care of yourself first, hyung.” His voice was barely audible but Chan caught it.

“Aish when did you get so wise Innie? Now go sleep or play video games or something fun!” A deep sigh, but he reluctantly nodded and headed towards his room.

Chan couldn’t help but sigh in relief, the whole encounter felt a little too accusatory, he returned to his room and sat on the bed, turning a small light on, but Changbin and Seungmin groaned in protest. He apologetically whispered “Sorry,sorry!” He looked at the half empty bottle of painkillers contemplating whether to take more or not.

The pain was immense, but it grounded him, made him feel his existence and after a long time, Chan wasn’t falling anymore, he saw grey instead of black.

I’m praying to live as I try to endure

I’m on a hellevator

*****

Woah almost 3000 words, I think I’ll write a pt. 2 to this sometime. Hope y’all like it!

~Stayatiny20