#it's tough to show the development of a relationship I DO NOT WANT TO ROMANTICIZE through the eyes of my protagonist

[words-after-midnight]

I have a problem currently in that I have to add some new scenes to the final version to address a COMMON beta reader comment, which is that we don't see enough of the development of the central relationship on screen. And in order to develop a couple aspects of this relationship on-screen I have to include a couple of key smut-adjacent scenes. Which is not the problem in itself, because I actually don't think I'm terrible at writing those scenes. The problem is that the characters* involved are Not Fucking Normal and shouldn't be involved with each other lmao. Also, the dynamic is not, uh... typical? So it's a bit hard to find examples of the ways other folks have done it without having to wade through a bunch of pieces involving Stereotypical Gay Relationships even when they're allegedly not that, lol.

[ybklix]

BROOKLYN BABY

★ pairing: rockstarbf!hyunjin x fem!reader

✦summary: Your boyfriend’s pretty cool, plays guitar and is in a popular band. You love to support him, yet you can't help but feel jealous and insecure at the sight of all his fans and the groupies the rest of the members bring backstage.

✭ content - tags - warnings: MDNI, smut, established relationship, fluff, fingering, oral sex

word count: 3.7k

•masterlist•

♡ inspiration:

a/n: happy late ultraviolence day, my fav album, no one loves her like i do lolol, so here’s a little smth, i'll write more inspired by the rest of the songs omg i love my fav child

Hyunjin was a romantic, unlike the rest of his band members, who enjoyed the excess, success and fame that grew more and more every day. He was in charge of writing each of the songs that thrilled thousands of teenagers since he had such an idealized perception of love and loved to romanticize every detail as well as he was in charge of designing each artistic design of the album because of his skills in drawing and painting, he was a sensitive artist, born under a water sign, trying to give the image of a tough and sexy guy for the good of the band. His position was to be the lead guitarist and backing voice for the lead vocalist, yet everyone in the band contributed vocally, grabbing the audience like no other band in that year in the nineties. The crazy nineties, everyone loved rock and roll with the same intensity as the seventies and this time more styles were explored. Everyone loved your boyfriend's band.

You were lucky enough to meet him when they were still newbies with big dreams performing in bars, where Hyunjin claims to have fallen in love with you at first sight, however, his shyness got the best of him and he didn't dare to talk to you and, it wasn't until a month later that, in a jazz club in Brooklyn, in one of the poetry sessions and nights, almost by fate, he met you again, he couldn't miss the opportunity and finally approached you, he seemed so cute and strangely his face seemed so familiar to you, it was about the handsome guitarist you saw once.

Hyunjin didn't have a specific favorite band, he took inspiration from the greats, he enjoyed everything from Nirvana to Guns n' Roses, to classics like Led Zeppelin, he was frequently talking to you on the phone to tell you about his obsession of the week musically, the most recent one, Chris Isaak. Two months ago he started his official tour around the country, which you couldn't accompany him no matter how much you wanted to, the university stopped you. Yet you still supported him from afar and watched every TV show he went on and every radio station with his interviews, you were so happy for him. His most recent appearance was on MTV, he looked like a celebrity, but he was still your sweet and tender Jinnie. And finally he was coming back to close the tour at his hometown in New York City, where it all started for you.

You, unlike Hyunjin, were more down to earth, honest and not afraid to stand up for your beliefs, so you studied law, with an uncontrollable passion for shy lyrics. In contrast to your parents, both rock and roll lovers, artists, your mother was a tarot amateur and identified herself as a spiritual person, your father a landscape painter, both met at a music festival the same amount of years ago as your older brother's age, a Manhattan novelist; yet you grew up in an environment where support was always constant and your personality developed being totally different from your boyfriend's, bold and daring, born under a sign of fire.

You loved Hyunjin, together you were literally like fire and water, and finally you could see him again after so long, you missed him too much, you missed when his band was still small and you spent days in his apartment watching him play the guitar, how he held you by the waist and kissed your neck while you combed your hair to go to college, every little detail that from one day to another changed.

Because of your schedule you couldn't meet your boyfriend at the airport and you could barely stand in the front row, waiting for them to come out and play. You wanted to go backstage to wish him luck, run into his arms and kiss him, after so long and only surviving on phone calls. But, for the first time you were terrified to be in the crowd and you didn't want to lose your place in the front row next to your boyfriend's position, although you thought for seconds if you should go closer and watch the concert from backstage… you were so indecisive and you never visualized your boyfriend's manager to authorize you to enter… you pouted and in a matter of minutes the venue was filling up more, you noticed how, among the crowd and entering easily, three girls were standing next to you. You couldn't help but notice them, they were wearing skirts and cleavage-baring tops, their eyeliner was sharp and perfect, you felt a little inferior and slightly less attractive for a second.

And the show started, the lights went down, and you heard your boyfriend's guitar, the people started to scream and your heart accelerated, the lights turned on, illuminating individually each one of the four members and, among them was your boyfriend, looking as good as always, his long black hair, his red guitar and wearing a gray sleeveless shirt attached to his body with ripped jeans and black combat boots, you noticed he was wearing the necklace you gave him before he went away from you to start the tour and… suddenly your world came to a standstill, there was only Hyunjin in front of you, doing what he is most passionate about.

Hyunjin, once he started to play, he looked for you with his eyes without stopping until he found you in front of him, his smile got bigger, he was smiling like he had never done in another concert, he felt so full. He winked at you and continued with his show, moving his fingers with agility, a young and gifted guitarist with talent, so did Rolling Stone described him in a small article; a little more than an arduous hour of concert later, Hyunjin finished agitated and slightly sweaty and, among the emotion, the only thing he asked to make the night more beautiful, was to be able to hug you. Until he finally did it, he had to go backstage with the rest of the group, but his manager took care to guide you discreetly to the room behind the stage, at the same time you noticed the same three girls next to you walking next to you, to which you understood instantly that they were groupies, you sighed, you could not help but get upset at the fleeting thought that… maybe Hyunjin has had his own groupie before.

Among the darkness of the venue, you finally found the light, the lit room and, there, your boyfriend standing there with a nervous smile waiting for you, your jealousy vanished in seconds, you couldn't be mad at him, he looked so cute with his little sparkling eyes and a shirt over his shoulders trying to dry his sweat. You ran to him and hugged him no matter how soaked he was, it was part of his routine. You felt his lean frame next to your body and warm chest bump against yours, oh, Hyunjin, you had missed him too much.

“I missed you” Hyunjin spoke, his chin resting on your shoulder, holding you tightly.

“I missed you, too” you replied breathlessly, you were so excited to see him.

You slowly pulled apart and he had to kiss you, so he took your face in his hands and did it delicately and passionately, in such a unique way he knew how to do it.

You both smiled at each other as you pulled apart.

“You should have come with me next time, oh god, the west coast is… so different, I think we should move to California once you finish college, love. They offered me a house in Hollywood” Hyunjin blurted out suddenly excited and overstimulated to have you near him.

You laughed softly at his adorable reaction, the way his cheeks went up, narrowing his eyes more, his smile, hiding his upper lip and showing his teeth, ready to speak again.

“I have an interview for Rolling Stone in a few minutes, but after that I'm all yours, I promise, let's get you to say hi to the guys” Hyunjin spoke softly taking you by the hand.

You happily walked into the place, but your smile faded as you saw one of the girls wildly kissing the lead vocalist, Han, on one of the couches while she was sitting on his lap. Another girl on the drummer's lap as he sat behind the instrument and the bassist talking animatedly with another girl.

“Hey, guys” you said shyly trying not to interrupt something.

The members came out of their trances and greeted you.

“Do you want something to drink?” Hyunjin tried to distract you with a tender smile.

“I'll get it, love” you smiled at Hyunjin giving him a quick kiss on his full lips and headed to the drink table.

Hyunjin made himself comfortable on an elongated couch, alone, and waiting for you.

“And you, Hyunjin, if you had the chance to smoke and chat with any singer who would it be with?” one of the girls came dangerously close to Hyunjin, plopping down on the couch very close to him, placing her hand on his thigh.

You turned around, with the two drinks in your hands and suddenly saw the scene of the girl near your boyfriend, making you squint your eyes in annoyance.

“I don't smoke. I don't know… Steven Tyler maybe” stood Hyunjin uncomfortably and walked to your direction, giving you a tender smile and taking one of the glasses.

“God, his daughter is beautiful, we saw her at that club in L.A., didn't we? A pretty, educated girl” added Chris, the drummer.

“The correct answer is Bon Jovi, he's too good looking, who wouldn't want to talk to him?” commented Changbin, the bass player.

Los Angeles, you thought, just California that Hyunjin told you so passionately about a few moments ago… you couldn't help but think of ideas not good at all, you were jealous, upset and a little hurt. You knew Hyunjin would never do anything to hurt you… or would he?

You looked at him, he understood your look instantly, he knew you as well as every string of his favorite precious guitar and tried to pull you away from them, taking you to his dressing room, ready to calm you down and be more in privacy. Hyunjin knew you were easily angered, you tried to be a cute and docile girlfriend but you couldn't. He recognized your annoyed expression, making him bite his lip undecided what to say.

“Those girls are always with you?” you spat annoyed.

“Y/n…” tried to reassure you Hyunjin.

“Hyunjin have you been with a groupie?” you blurted out suddenly staring him straight in the eyes defiantly.

You weren't thinking clearly, anger took over you, you were aware that it happened every time they finished a concert, or at least you want to think it's like that for the rest of the members who are single, but seeing it with your own eyes made your blood boil at the thought of a girl near your boyfriend trying to seduce him. The life of a rock star girlfriend wasn't for you, you wanted Hyunjin all to yourself.

“You know I wouldn't do that… I waited every day for you, I thought every day about you” Hyunjin replied, taking your glass and leaving it on a small table over there just like his drink.

Hyunjin searched for your gaze, you didn't want to see him, you were behaving a bit childish but his words could be a lie, after all he was a rising star. He grabbed your forearm, squeezing them gently between his large hands and you turned to look at him. His tender but manly face of compassion, his thick eyebrows making the slightest expression of concern, if you didn't love him too much you would have trust issues, but you believed Hyunjin blindly.

You approached up to him and hugged him, he reciprocated the happy gesture, your heartbeats joining and the closeness of your body, Hyunjin was so in love that if there was a way to make you do it clearly, he would do it without thinking. Sex was not enough, he wanted to live inside you forever and he was so passionate about it that he wrote countless songs, you were his muse and the great love of his life.

You stood on your tiptoes and brought your arms up to wrap around his neck with a smile.

“Tomorrow, let's go to your favorite place in Greenwich Village, okay?” you said to him, letting your frustrations pass you by.

Hyunjin raised his eyebrows excitedly and smiled sweetly without showing his teeth.

“I'm dying to go… and to kiss you and make love to you while we play an Audrey Hepburn movie in the background…” he said slowly and flirtatiously, holding you tighter around the waist and leering at you from above.

You laughed softly as you remembered the first time you fucked in his apartment, where he promised a romantic movie date and ended up frantically pounding your pussy as he cummed in you.

Hyunjin leaned further into you, closing his eyes and kissing you fiercely, after a little over a minute, his sizzling kisses suddenly turned you on, making you weak in his arms. You hadn't had sex with Hyunjin for two long months, at this point you thought it was even abstinence, you needed him.

He continued to tease you with his deep, slow kisses as he groped your body and brazenly ran his hands under your dress, reaching down to your bare bottom wearing only panties and massaged your ass hard. You were starting to feel a mess of emotions, but luckily this time you finally had your boyfriend with you.

Hyunjin continued to squeeze you tightly, drawing you to his body and this time feeling that he was the same way you were, aroused. Hyunjin found his way to bring his dominant hand to your entrance, making you open your mouth slightly in a soft moan between the kiss. He pulled inches away from you, almost still almost touching your lips and you saw how attractive your boyfriend looked with his slightly intimidating gaze and fuller lips from your passionate kisses.

“I missed you so much” he said excitedly, nimbly pushing aside the fabric of your panties for better access to your area.

You lowered your hands from his neck and held onto his abdomen. Hyunjin was more turned on by the slight difficulty in caressing your pussy because you were standing still. You felt his long, slender, slightly raspy fingers, due the strings of his guitar, stroking along your tight, compressed folds and you spread your legs wider trying to facilitate his caresses, Hyunjin smirked smugly at the sight of you horny, licking his lips.

“Do you like it, love?” he sighed amused and excited.

You nodded awkwardly and didn't stop looking into his eyes for a second, but your peripheral vision caught perfectly his long arm guided in your area, you were losing more and more strength, every touch of Hyunjin made you lose your sanity, he was so skilled with his hands and fingers, after all he was a talented guitarist, you wanted to fuck him so desperately, to feel filled by him after such a long time. You didn't think about it and your hand also went to his prominent bulge, rubbing it gently, this time driving your boyfriend crazy. You stroked and squeezed the denim, he was so hard and at the same time his cock was so soft and slick, it always felt good.

Hyunjin sped up his rubbing on your clitoris, making you tremble a little, he leaned towards you bringing his foreheads together and looking at you sweetly.

“Do you want me to fuck you with my fingers, my sweet angel?” he said, as you felt his hot, heavy breathing hit your face.

“Yes” you moaned in between breaths.

Your boyfriend smiled sweetly, so innocent almost like he didn't seem to know exactly the distance from your labia to your entrance, slipping two of his fingers easily into your tight, wet hole. He gently fingered you, enjoying your caresses on his erection and being in control of your pleasure, occasionally looking smugly to his right side as you were in front of the mirror, watching your body tremble before him, but it was becoming increasingly difficult for you to stand, so your boyfriend, concerned looked for an immediate solution, looking at his dressing room chair.

“Sit down. Let me taste you, love” he whispered in your ear, gently pulling his hand away from you.

You were about to do so but a voice near you, interrupted you.

“Hyunjiiiin, come out, where are you? The Rolling Stone fuckers are about to arrive” you heard a rather familiar voice shout, as it slowly approached.

Hyunjin opened his eyes in fright, causing you tenderness, followed by a gasp of frustration.

“Shit, I can't show up to the interview like this” he groaned in frustration.

You looked at your boyfriend's large and noticeable erection in his pants, and you again directed your hand on it squeezing it gently and looked him submissively in the eyes.

“Let me help you, Jinnie” you said seductively, stroking his bulge to which he moaned.

“B-but” he was about to protest.

“Shh” you silenced him, giving him a quick kiss and a cocky grin.

And with no time to waste you got down on your knees in front of his cock, you were so aroused, your pussy was throbbing hard and your throat was suddenly dry and ready to be filled with boyfriend's stiff member. You loved giving him blowjobs, his cock was exquisitely long and Hyunjin always knew how to use it with agility at every strategic spot on you, he knew you so well. You nimbly pulled down his pants and underwear finding his well standing and sensitive manhood, your boyfriend whimpered, yes, he was excited to see you too.

You grasped the base of his penis with your right hand and gently held his balls with your other hand, you raised your gaze to Hyunjin, who was pressing his lips tightly together letting himself be carried away by your touches. You ran your hand over his slightly tanned cock, your mouth was salivating more and more and your poor pussy was also reacting for your boyfriend's erect cock. You had forgotten how it was the last time you sucked him off and you were more than happy to be able to do it again. You gently spat on its tip and lubed it further, jerking it off in the process, feeling its slippery, slightly rough texture; Hyunjin was panting hard, letting out deep sighs and moans from his chest, a completely vocal boy.

You stuck out your tongue a little and opened your mouth to flick his big piece of organ on your needed tongue, tasting a little of his nice white precum, until finally introducing it little by little in your mouth, making sure your lips also felt what was yours, Hyunjin's big cock, all yours. He was big and with a very good thickness, always filling your insides to overflowing, to your limit; you had it all with him, he was cute, romantic and gave you the best orgasms.

Hyunjin whimpered at the feeling of the inside of your soft cheeks caressing his cock and immediately held onto your hair delicately without pulling it.

“Aggh, sweetheart, it feels so good” he gasped.

“Hyunjin, where the fuck are you man?” they shouted again.

“Fuck” gasped your boyfriend frustrated by the situation and the tightness of his cock in your mouth.

You also felt the pressure, your blood flow rushing harder and your heart racing, you had to make your boyfriend cum fast; so you started sucking him hard and keeping a little faster pace than usual, back and forth, taking all his swollen and throbbing length expertly.

“Hyunjin” you heard again a call in the distance. “Hyunjin come out, the Rolling Stone magazine people are here.”

“I'm coming” he squealed out loud in a shuddering whimper, completely lost from the stimulation of his cock in your mouth, “I'm literally coming, what the fuck” moaned Hyunjin biting his lip and taking more tightly your hair, intensifying your movements, fucking your mouth wildly.

You felt your boyfriend's climax near, so he didn't hesitate to feel the bottom of your throat, pushing hard on your head until you felt his tickling glans rubbing your throat as your boyfriend gave gentle lunges, you whimpered on his cock, your eyes quickly watered, you couldn't breathe somehow and, after a few seconds, he pushed you away a little. Finally, you saw his head falling back, his thighs quivering and his perfect abdomen contracting as he babbled excitedly and barely understandable your name. Until you felt his glorious shot of cum in your mouth, filling you completely; Hyunjin always cum in one strong shot and then his cum kept coming slowly so you waited to have it all in you. He subtly stopped holding your hair tightly and gently pushed your head off his member; resulting in the obscene image of his shiny, lubricated cock spurting out of your mouth as more of his liquid fell to the floor.

You swallowed your boyfriend's thick, white liquid and stood up quickly, Hyunjin was trying to steady himself and think clearly again, but you recognized that he was in a hurry, that was the main reason you were sucking him fast and hard so he would ejaculate fast and also the reason you tried to quench your fiery desire and arousal, he had to continue being a rock star and doing rock star things.

“Come on, Hyunjin you have to go out” you told him.

Your boyfriend gently shook his head as he stared at you and reacted instantly, rearranging his cock back into his underwear and pulling up his pants, you watched the scene cheekily biting your lip, even without him being hard, you could clearly see the big package your boyfriend was hiding in his pants, you blushed and once again thought of all the fucking groupies fantasizing about fucking him.

Hyunjin took your face in his hands and made you look into his eyes, his sharp dark eyes that made him look so intimidating, if only they knew he was the most tender and you had him in the palm of your hand, so docile and obedient.

“I promise to reward you, okay?” he whispered, pressing a kiss to your forehead, “Thank you for that, love, I love you.”

You nodded softly even with his grip on your cheeks, you watched him lovingly. And you watched him walk away, ready to go back to being the shining star Hwang Hyunjin.

[thrashkink-coven]

peace! I so enjoy your blog and I'm learning a lot. thank you for that post about mental health and spirituality it helps so much. I lean into prayer when I feel helpless, because at least god/ my deities will listen even when humans can't or won't. sometimes I wish though I could converse with them like an actual conversation. sometimes I can feel my spirits listening to my prayers of thanks or asking for help. other times I'm not sure. my mind is constantly running, readers have a tough time describing/feeling what my mind is like. I'm constantly fighting self criticism and doubt and allowing my faith to ease my worries. my practice doesn't always look consistent but it's consistent in the sense I haven't stopped trying to honor my deities and ancestors. I want to grow my gifts and understand my divine messages better. do you have any guidance or tips on how to ask for divine support with rumination and self esteem? either who to ask or how to ask?

also I saw you refer to Lucifer as your dom... in some ways is it a romantic relationship for you? I learned recently that Krishna accepts all kinds of devotees including as lovers, the idea of honoring spirit with love and desire absolutely fascinates me. to my heart and body it feels right, my mind wonders if it is "allowed". if that's not what you meant would you please describe your relationship a bit more? apologies if it's clear in your posts, the search function does not work for me on mobile.

thanks for your time 🙏

My biggest piece of advice to you would be to remember that everyone starts somewhere. All pagans need to learn how to become confident in their practice, and the stumbles that you take along the way will only make you a better devotee. I challenge you do enjoy this period of self discovery and unsureness. Continue to speak with your deities and allow them to guide you into your worship. Whoever feels the closest to you is who you should be consulting. Sometimes this spirit doesn’t have a name yet, sometimes it’s your own inner voice. Don’t think too hard about what you’re supposed to be doing, and think a lot more about what you want to do. Try something that you’ve never done before, whether this be writing out prayers, making songs, making art, cooking a feast etc.

To answer your other question, I wouldn’t say that Lucifer and I have an overtly sexual/ romantic relationship. We have a magical God/ devotee relationship first before everything else. The main purpose of our relationship is spiritual development and radical education. While our relationship is very romanticized (literally beautified and idealized, roses, chocolates, love notes) it isn’t inherently romantic as one would consider a husband or wife, Lucifer is not my boyfriend or husband. Our connection goes very beyond sex and romance even if those things are often included in our interactions. That’s why a lot of our dialogue can sound kind of strange lmao. I don’t want Lucifer to fuck me, I want him to consume my entire soul until it is a beacon of light. I don’t want to touch him, I want to fully become and embody him in everything I do.

I am constantly offering Lucifer love and admiration as my patron and dom, and I do occasionally offer him my pleasure as a gift as one would offer a piece of art. But when we have these exchanges, it’s not really the same as directly having sex with each other. When we do sex magic and rituals it’s usually for the purpose of self rejuvenation or to show each other appreciation. A lot of the time he’s showing me how precious I am to him, reminding me that I deserve pleasure and that I should seek it often. To love and honour Lucifer is also to love and honour myself.

But Lucifer is not a human. Being touched by his light is like being purified by fire. When he embraces me, I feel like I’m laying on a cloud of bright nourishing energy that empowers me and my craft. When he kisses me, I feel like my aura is being cleansed. It’s so much more than just an erotic or romantic feeling, it truly is divine.

The intimate and sensual parts of our practice act more as a form of communication. Being an autist myself, I am very concerned with sensation. The physical feelings he gives me during our interactions better help me recognize his energy. The excitement amplifies that energy towards a goal. Sometimes that goal is just letting him know how much I love and appreciate his presence in my life. Sometimes it’s far more practical, like getting a new job.

Lucifer is relaxed and very free love, he made it clear to me that he wasn’t overly concerned with labels unless I felt them necessary. I can’t say that other deities will have the same attitude, but I have observed many other devotees of other Gods that have a similar dynamic. I don’t intend to ever be married to Lucifer in any kind of god spousal nun way, I feel my title as a devotee is already as binding and significant as a kind of marriage. It took quite a lot of time for us to get to this point, lots of folks are devoted to deities for years before they establish a relationship outside of their work. It’s definitely allowed as long as all parties involved are happy with it.

[foxymoxynoona]

Hi 🦊 , so this is for Flux. Wait how are you? I hope you’re good? I’ve been pushing this off because I’ve been so busy. However, I had a fight with a friend and since this blog is one of my happy places, I’m here.

So, yeah Flux. I don’t think they should be back together, honestly I’m with the hyungs on this one, especially Jimin (where he says JK is putting all their previous problems on her mental health issues). They might not have had the best approach (I’m looking at tough love Yoongi), but doing anything that’ll lead to JK feeling ambushed will honestly make him double down and want to prove a point. I’m not sure I’d react any differently than they did however tbh, they literally had to watch someone they love and feel responsible for, breakdown and fall apart, helpless to stop any of it. And they’re expected to just be accepting of him going back to what was essentially his trigger without any proper development or growth on his part, simply because he is an adult? No way. He legit could have died and they wouldnt have known, I’m referring to when he had that bad reaction to the drugs in his apartment and they all thought he was hooking up.

Honestly, I love them together, and I’m really loving Sasha’s progress and honesty. But tbh, JK never actually worked through their break up. He went from doing drugs and women, to almost oding and then pining after Sasha so fast, it was like whiplash.

Moving on, what Michele did was just not it at all. I loved Namjoon’s maturity in this book and the differences between his actions and Michele’s are very apparent. Michelle had no problem telling her best friend’s private business to a guy she just started hooking up with, while Namjoon remained mum about JK’s downward spiral. Also, the way he kept on referring to Michelle as just a fwb shows he would easily drop her to protect his group. Meanwhile, aunt Michelle is busy telling someone she betrayed “if it makes you feel better, we’re fighting now”. Da f*ck? Its the audacity for me 😂 . Anyway friends fuck up too but, this shit needs a serious apology to even begin to rebuild that trust.

I wish JK and Sasha the best, but all I see right now is a train wreck waiting to happen if things are not handled delicately. If it weren’t you writing this, I would have stopped reading because it started to feel like unhealthy relationship habits were being romanticized. But it’s you 🦊, and one thing I can trust is the realism in your stories and how you tackle important issues about building healthy relationships, love and trust.

I’m looking forward to the next chapters. Apologies for any typos, I’m a bit calmer now with my friend, but I’m not the best typist when I’m upset.

🥂

I appreciate the trust!! It's true --I HOPE-- that when something feels off or unhealthy or not quite right in one of my stories, it's intentional and something thes tory will be addressing in some way, whether that's a character calling it out, or the characters themselves need to grow past it, etc. I try not to be preachy with my writing, but I do want my characters to wind up in happy, healthy relationships, so if we aren't there yet, it's not the end!

I had expected some comments like this! And there are soem over on ao3 too, so you aren't alone with your reservations. I think there are some readers who are optimistic and some are pessimistic and some are skeptical and it's all good, I don't mean any reader is reading the "right" way or anything like that. I expected to get called out more than I did on how quickly JK went from "nearly ODing" to "staking out the coffee shop, ready to be a devote boyfriend to Sasha." But... yes, all intentional 😉

I'm so sorry to hear about your fight with your friend! I hope that's able to resolve the best way you need soon and it doesn't remain a sore spot for you for long!

[jenomark]

ooh can you do pros and cons of dating wayv too? If you don't mind! Hope you're feeling better btw 💚

+ Keep in mind that these are just thoughts and in no way reflect the truth at all. Things like this are only meant as entertainment. Thank you! 💚

Kun: Pros: He’s accepting of a lot of things. He understands things very well, so trusting him would be easy. I think he would just want to love all that you are--the whole package. He’s good at providing love and safety. He’s loyal and won’t ever stray. In a lot of ways, he looks ideal on paper: He can cook, he’s kind, he’s ambitious, he works hard and takes the time out to be silly. I think a life with him would be very comfortable and honest.  Cons: It’s not necessarily a con, but I think he takes a long time to let loose. He seems guarded and stuck inside of his ways sometimes. I do believe he has all of this adventure and fun inside him, but he is very comfortable doing what relaxes him the most (and what he knows). Hates change, which can make someone very stuffy. I also kind of think he’s the type to only look at the good things and avoids all the bad things when it comes to himself. 

Ten: Pros: You would never have to worry about being misunderstood. He gives me this vibe that he’s so emotionally well-fed. He would know how to talk to you in both the softest ways and the tough love ways. I believe he has a lot of love to give, too. Being with him would feel very fun and very new. The biggest pro is just being able to feel the love he has for you. I bet talking to him feels like a dream, to be honest. Cons: He’s a little moody. Because he feels so much, I think the emotions really run themselves through his body too much. There might be moments where he has to back away and lick his wounds. I think he’s so used to being strong enough to deal with things on his own, that it can make him withdraw from the help you’d want to give. But, like I said, he’s good at communication, so I think he’ll come around to talk it out. He’s stubborn and won’t do anything he doesn’t want to do. Also, if you don’t love a talker, that would be a con. 

WinWin: Pros: For me, the biggest pro would be getting to wake up to his cute face every morning. He’s adorable, inside and out. But, underneath his looks, I think he would be a very loving and supportive boyfriend. He’s the type that wants to make your life better, and he’ll die trying to do that for you.  He’s nice, friendly, and fun to be around, if you share the same sense of humor.  Cons: I feel he’s a little mysterious. I think he’s another one of those people who hide the things they don’t like about themselves. I think he would do it because he wants to appear perfect in your eyes. Not to be too deep, but I think that rubs off on other people, like, I can see him sort of believing that perfect does exist, and that you should also strive to be that way. With him, I also think a big con of dating him would be the possible bad attention from the fans. There is something about him that makes me think people are very protective of him. 

Lucas: Pros: He’s sweet. In a lot of ways, I think he’s very innocent-minded. Being with him would feel a little bit like you’ve gotten lucky. I think he’d be romantic, but his idea of romanticism is a little clumsy and honest to who he is.  He doesn’t try and be anyone else. With him, what you see is what you get. He’s easygoing and fun. His attitude is infectious. I imagine his big hands feel really nice to hold, too.  Cons: He might get hurt easily, which isn’t always a bad thing. He’s very soft, very fragile. I think he knows how much people like him, and there are times I think people like that do use it to their advantage. His con might be that he’s hard to pin down. 

Xiaojun: Pros: He’s very caring and compassionate. He’ll speak to you with honesty and without prejudice. He would be really good at doing long-term relationships. I think he’s very good at forming friendships that turn into something more meaningful. He’s good to turn to when you need late night advice. I think he’d show up at your door when you really needed him. He’s good with emotions and affection. Also good at making your heart burst when he smiles.  Cons: There are cons to every relationship, but it’s really hard for me to pinpoint any I think he could have. I do kind of feel like he’s a little bit of a pessimist, so that could carry over. Other than that, I see him as really well-developed. Of course, no one is perfect, but I think he has a really good heart and a good head on his shoulders. 

Hendery Pros: There are a lot. He’s one of those people, like Kun, who seem very ideal on paper. He’s sensitive, caring, kind, and is really about that domestic life. He loves to receive and give affection. The best pro would be having a friend in him, and always getting to spend time with someone who has your back. Also, he’s very funny.  Cons: He’s definitely more reserved and quiet than he seems, so if you’re expecting him to be some other way, that could be a con for you. Wants to be appreciated so badly, that he could force that feeling from you. Cares way too much about the opinions of other people in his life.

00 Line | 

[blogger360ncislarules]

Burden of Truth‘s Season 3 finale sure felt like a series ender, yet the Canadian legal drama has plenty of story left in it for the fourth and final season, which makes its Stateside premiere this Friday, July 30 (The CW, 8/7c).

“Every season kind of ended in a way that it could have been the end [of the show], but Season 3 particularly felt that way” with a flash-forward to a very pregnant Joanna in her successful law firm with baby daddy Billy, star/executive producer Kristin Kreuk tells TVLine.

The creative team, though, felt they had enough to mine with Joanna and Billy as new parents to warrant continuing the show. “We were like, ‘We could tell one more chapter of this story!’ We could do one more thing, which would be to really explore trauma at the next level, which is like when you have children,” Kreuk shares. “So we went to the CBC with that, and they were happy to do another season.”

Below, the actress previews how Joanna is handling being a mother and why she and Billy “don’t feel particularly connected, romantically” in Season 4.

TVLINE | When you finished wrapping Season 3, did you feel like you had unfinished business with Joanna? Season 3 ended with her having everything. We gave her everything she didn’t know she wanted, but everything that she needed. When we talked about it, it was like the only thing that we would want to do now is take it away from her or threaten to take it away from her just to see how she handled that. And that was the unfinished business. It was just that one little bit more: How much and how would she fight to keep what she loves?

TVLINE | At what point did you know that Season 4 would be the final season? We went into it with that knowledge. [Series creator] Brad [Simpson] and the writers’ room shaped it to be a completion of everyone’s storyline.

TVLINE | The Season 3 finale could have been a very natural conclusion for all the characters. What would you say is the argument for doing another season, storytelling-wise? What did you get to explore that you hadn’t before? I’ve always thought that our show is about intergenerational trauma — and for our characters, Billy and Joanna, having a child means that we look at passing trauma down to the next generation, and how parents can face certain things. Obviously, everybody’s different, but for the two of them [it’s about] learning how to confront that trauma, which is kind of reflected in Joanna facing this case from her past so that they don’t pass things on to their kid. [It’s about] learning that they’re not the people they once were, and that they aren’t their parents, and that they don’t have to become their parents. It’s not some inevitable end point for them.

TVLINE | From watching last season, you can tell Joanna has a lot of nervousness about being a mother, and she would probably say she doesn’t have maternal instincts. So how is she adapting to motherhood, while also juggling this really demanding case? She’s struggling. Billy and Joanna don’t have a big support network. Joanna’s mom isn’t really a part of her life, and Billy’s dad has a legacy of alcoholism and abuse, so they really don’t have anybody. Joanna’s refuge is work. It’s where she goes to feel safe, it’s where she goes to feel competent when she feels insecure. So it’s a difficult thing for her, because they can only take the kid to daycare, and she struggles to breastfeed so she doesn’t feel like she’s succeeding. It kind of is this self-fulfilling prophecy where she needs to feel confidence, so she goes to work, which means she’s not with the kid and not bonding with the kid, and it is this really tough cycle. And Billy has some maybe old-fashioned perspectives about her maybe taking more time off work….

TVLINE | Watching the screeners, I questioned some of the things he said to her. Yeah, I think that’s a big part of it. Billy is a lot more traditional… All of these things kind of come to a breaking point, like they always do. His perspective isn’t correct, and Joanna’s perspective, obviously, isn’t 100-percent correct either, and they’re both just really struggling with their old belief system. Billy’s mom was always there, she didn’t have a job. She was constantly present and now she isn’t around because she’s passed. So he has a romanticized vision of what a mom is supposed to be. They’re both facing really flawed understandings of what it means to be a parent and what love looks like and how it looks in a relationship, as well.

TVLINE | How much pressure is that difference in values and views and the demands of parenthood putting on Joanna and Billy’s romantic relationship? It does put pressures on their romantic relationship. It’s interesting, because this season they don’t feel particularly connected, romantically, although it’s clear that they love each other. It takes this season for them to kind of come back together in a way that’s healthier. Their tension isn’t the main point of the season, but they’re definitely not having an easy go of it. They’re not sleeping, they’re exhausted, they’re working. And then stuff comes up from Joanna’s past, as it always does, that puts them in an even more difficult situation.

TVLINE | Since this is the last season, were there final-season touches that you were able to put on it, in terms of bringing back old characters or closing up lingering questions and storylines? Yeah, with Taylor’s storyline, there’s some amazing closure. She’s chosen to go back to Millwood, which she never thought she would do. She’s had to give up her dreams because of her father and his choices, and she’s had to recraft an entire life. Towards the end of the season, she gets to have this incredible moment of closure that’s really satisfying. Taylor’s storyline is quite beautiful this year.

Same with Luna, who this year is looking at how she’s going to enact the change she wants to see in the world. Is it going to be through the system that exists? Or is she going to try and do it outside of those systems? She’s in her early twenties and very much an activist at heart and has a brain, so she can choose almost any avenue she wants to take. That storyline is really lovely to see how she decides to move forward to help people in her life.

TVLINE | It was recently announced that you’re going to be in Amazon Prime’s Reacher. Coming off four seasons on Burden of Truth, what were you looking for in your next role? I was looking to develop stuff, which I’m also doing right now, but my agent loves the Reacher books. [Laughs] Like, he’s obsessed with them. So this was a fun thing. I could stay home in Toronto, and it’s a small-ish role, so I could do schoolwork and go and play a southern gal from Georgia on a massive action series. They have so much money, it’s crazy!

[najatheangel]

hi, love !! i requested a selca ship from you once and i absolutely loved it !! may i request a written ship this time, please? groups would be nct 127, nct dream, and got7 <333

i’m an extroverted introvert. i’m naturally pretty outgoing and social but i also love being by myself and need alone time to recharge. i’m often mistaken as an extrovert in real life because i’m usually the one approaching people first and initiating or planning hang-outs for my friend groups. i’m pretty cheerful, light-hearted, easy-going, and non-judgemental. i strive for balance in life and i generally dislike conflict although i don’t hesitate to deal with it if necessary. i prefer focusing on the present moment rather than dwelling on the past or trying to forecast the future. for this reason, i can easily detach myself from certain people and situations (for better or for worse lmao). i’m a natural caretaker and i prefer to nurture people in more practical ways like being helpful or giving advice, but i don’t mind just being there for other people although a part of me always wishes i could do more. i may be more of a caretaker with my friends but being the youngest in my family, i do lowkey want to be doted on in private. i romanticize being organized and all but i���m really not :’) i TRY though. i’m also dangerously clumsy; i try and want to become more graceful but my coordination says no :)) i do feel things very deeply but i rarely show that. i prefer to deal with my emotions internally and by myself and then express them later in a more measured, rational, and calm way. i’m very independent and freedom of expression is very important to me and i believe everyone should have a right to that. i adore and appreciate all forms of art, especially written words; i love reading and writing. i just love literature. i also really enjoy aesthetically-pleasing things; i love taking aesthetic photos of nature or even people. self-care is also very important to me; i workout regularly, try to eat healthy, and meditate. i also have an immense love for learning and while a lot of topics interest me, i especially love history. i just find it so fascinating and i love it so much that it makes my heart skip a beat sometimes like i get too excited lmao. my mbti is isfp but i’ve also gotten i/enfp and esfp before (years ago lmao 😂)

i think that’s it !! thank you so much <333 i hope you’re well. have a wonderful day/night hehe

Hii faye, I’m happy I got to read more about you you seem like your life is full of joy and balance. The long wait is finally over, here goes your ship☺️🧚‍♂️

From NCT 127, I ship you with...Doyoung

Positive Side: Very beautiful love story from start to finish. During resonance promotions he remembered seeing you in the virtual fansign and even though your conversation was only 2 min, he was in lovestruck mode. He wanted to know more about you as a person and he was willing to try anything and do anything to find you. He found you with your group of friends at his favorite coffee shop and noticed how happy you were helping your friends study for their exams and stood out amongst the group yet at the same time wanted some quiet time alone. It took him a lot of courage, but he bumped into you in line and took his chance to confess and ask you out on the spot. It didn’t take long for you to say yes and the rest was history. Your both very natural when it comes to taking care of people around you which is a very good trait to have, because your both capable of providing to each other’s needs. Those simple acts of love such as feeding each other, helping each other through a problem and supporting each other’s achievements are what you both cherish the most. This man is your main model of study when it comes to taking photos so he won’t mind posing for you or even taking pictures together and changing it as his Home Screen on his phone. No worries about slipping on trying to eat healthy because this man is Gordan Ramsey 2.0 and he will help you keep your workout and diet plan together while you help him with your amazing literature skills how to compose better songs for the group.

Negative Side: Not every relationship is perfectly balanced. You both handle conflict in the same way. You obviously express your moods through your expressions if something is not sitting right with you, but then later would prefer to have a private conversation about the problem with that person. In the beginning when you first started dating, Doyoung wanted to have your back in almost any tough situation you were facing, but thre were times that you didn’t want him to fight your battles all the time to save the trouble. For example, if someone based horribly on your writing, Doyoung would defend you and have your back 100% in the most calm and family friendly way possible. It’s not that you don’t want his support in every situation, it’s just you’d prefer him to let you manage on your own and not add more stress into his life by barging in to your problems.

But...: Doyoung knows that he has to take it down a notch and let you face those haters on your own and barge in if needed. He love when you have his back on things, even with silly debates and fights against the members over who didn’t clean the laundry. Whenever he starts seeing you becoming vulnerable with him, he feels very special and is not afraid to help you heal through your experience. Even though sometimes it’ll seem like your both babying each other and snooping up in each other’s business, it’s better to release your emotions better than hiding it.

faye, get your man plsss...😳😳

From NCT Dream, I ship you with...Jaemin

Positive Side: The ultimate k-drama couple. First of all, your both ambiverts in all your friend groups meaning some days you want to stay behind the scenes other days you both tend to become the star of the show. Very fast you two would develop a friendship and from that point, he already made his mind of making you his one and only. He’s like the mom of Nct Dream taking care of his family, so when he notices how cheerful and light hearted you can be around your family and friends he just melts into a puddle gushing over how adorable you can be. The killer for him is how clumsy you can be. Dropping pans of cookies you just baked or falling in the ice rink when your skating together it just makes him want to protect you and keep you by his side more and more. Jaemin also appreciates your creativity and wants to brag about it to the whole world how talented you are. He’ll always ask you if he can be the first one to read your stories which makes him feel like you hold a special place in heart. He’s also a photographer himself and would be your camera man for when you need photos of yourself or pretty nature images for your Pinterest board. Of course most of the time he would want like 100+ pictures of you and him saved in his phone. Overall your the angel that he’s been waiting for all his life and would do anything to make you stay.

Negative Side: Knowing how charming this beautiful man can be, sometimes his flirting can get out of control. I know it’s just for fan service for the fans to eat up from, but sometimes it can sting a little. Once he was doing a collab stage with a rookie girl group member and they seemed to be pretty playful on stage. It didn’t bother you at first because you understand that this is Jaemin’s job, but it was all until she started to flirt with him and slide her arm on him which started to tick you off. You were pouting from the outside, but on the inside you wanted to go off so you kept your cool until you got home. Of course he tried to cuddle with you and kiss you, but you weren’t having it. He tried to even talk to you in his cute baby tone, but you ended up slamming the door on him and went straight to bed. “It was just a performance princess, nothing more nothing less.” “Try telling that to dispatch when they see you holding hands with that girl.”

But...: Jaemin is aware now that you have feelings to and don’t want to cause all these misunderstandings or else it’ll affect his relationship with you. He knocks softly on your door and carries you out of bed with the sweetest apology proposal with homemade breakfast, balloons with your name in big letters with a heart next to it and a big teddy bear that says I love you. The gesture almost put you to tears and decided that arguing with him over a performance with another woman is pointless to break up over. You give him the biggest smile and give him the tightest hug. “So does that mean you forgive me?” Puckers his lips out cutely begging for a kiss. “Hmmm, sure. Your punishment for now is no kisses for today.” You stuff his mouth with bacon and run off to the living room teasing him. “Ahh I guess I did deserve that huh. At least let me cuddle with you, I didn’t get to do that last night.” Opens his arms running after you in the dorms.

I wanted to ship you with Jeno too, but Jaemin just fit the picture.

From Got7, I ship you with...Jinyoung

Positive Side: The iconic couple in the music industry. You were Jinyoung’s secret girlfriend that no one knew about of course except for the got7 brothers. Your both very flirty yet friendly towards each other which makes everyone wish they had your kind of relationship. Not to mention your visuals together are insane. You both share you knowledge of literature and read on topics that are beneficial amongst yourselfs. Just like you, he’s willing to research on the latest news that’s going on in the world and later have a intellectual discussion on the topic. I can imagine him reaching out for your help on practicing his lines for his movies/dramas and would even try to reenact kiss scenes with you. With him being the gentleman he is, he naturally wants to save you from your clumsy moments. When your tripping on the carpets, forgetting your umbrella on a rainy day or even have hair in front of your face, he’ll become your fixer upper and provide your needs. He doesn’t mind lending you his umbrella, sliding your hair behind your ears and catching you from falling he’s happy to be your anpaman. He’s so understanding of how much you cherish your privacy because he’s not a clingy person himself, but every once in a while he would love to hold hands with you, pat the top of your head and let you know through words how much he adored you.

Negative Side: In the beginning, it was a challenge to have Jinyoung fall in love with you because as I mentioned earlier, he doesn’t seem like a person who would fall in love easily. He first thought of you as his innocent sister that he wants to protect from all harm and would scare away guys that would try to date you. He’s also very savage when it comes to expressing his love to you so it might come out cold, but that’s not his intentions. For example, if you blow his a kiss, he would act like he’s disgusted and flick it away. He actually loves you blowing kisses at him and would want you to keep doing it. He express his love in a different way even though it might not be the best through his actions.

But...: This man is a living poet and very talented in the arts. Once he realized how much he loved you and wanted to make you his girlfriend, he returned your feelings through a song he written, produced and sung along with his members. He even made a music video about it sharing all the pictures you took of you two together with your permission of course and expressed through his song how happy he was to have you apart of his crazy life and that your the only girl on his life that only made him feel this way. It was your favorite gift from him ever since you made it official.

Out of everyone, I ship you with...Doyoung

@starrdustville I know this was super long, but I hope this somewhat made your day/night. Thanks so much for your patience love yaa.✨💗

[squidproquoclarice]

Who do you think taught Arthur to be respectful toward women and minorities? I think we can both agree it wasn't Dutch. Also, do you have any headcanons about Arthur's relationship with the camp ladies?

Yes, we’re very much agreed it wasn’t Dutch, since when it comes to women he makes it clear he's just another middle-aged man chasing women young enough to be his daughter and discarding them when the sexual novelty’s worn off.  When it comes to minorities, he talks a good game sometimes, but we see that he’s clearly a classist and xenophobe underneath his rhetoric, and frankly, if he’s so up his own ass that he’ll talk condescending shit about other groups of white people, there’s pretty much zero odds that he’s not also a racist.  It’s obvious with the Wapiti that the problems of POC are not something he genuinely cares about, and he actually finds them exploitable for his own gain, as he does with the Native American men of Cochinay in RDR1.  I also suspect he’s an “exceptionalism” racist in the case of people like Lenny--i.e., “you’re a promising young man, you’re not like the rest of your people.”   I’m fairly certain Hosea had a large role in it.  The way he interacts with the camp’s women, especially Abigail, shows a great deal of respect.  The way he talks about Bessie and how he clearly adored her makes it sound like he held a great deal of respect for her too.  He treats the POC in the camp with respect, and when he says something like “Poor bastards, we really screwed them over” in regards to Native Americans, it comes across as genuine.   I also would expect Susan and Bessie held Arthur accountable to learn to be respectful to women.  Bessie was no shrinking flower if she could live life as a conman’s wife and partner in crime.  And we see directly that Susan clearly won’t take shit from anyone.  Her initiating rescuing Tilly, and her ferocity in wanting to find and protect her, might also point to her having some feelings about racial equality there.  It doesn’t matter to Susan that Tilly is a black woman.  She’s family, and Mama Bear is pissed. Arthur’s relationship with the camp women is an interesting one.  The juniormost members, Tilly and Mary-Beth, especially come across as little sisters for him, and ones he protects fiercely.  Tilly in particular holds that role due to having been raised in the gang, much as Arthur and John were.  I expect while he doesn’t share Mary-Beth’s dreamy rose colored glasses romanticism, he wants to protect her ability to see the world that way. Karen feels more towards someone he regards being able to relate to as an equal, given she’s more towards Arthur’s age and she’ll ride out as a triggerwoman.  But I think their conversation about being “bad drunks” is particularly telling.  The two of them feel very similar to each other in some ways--the longing for love, the outwardly tough and don’t-care attitude, the turning their pain inward in attempted self-destruction. Molly sounds like the latest in a string of women Dutch has used and discarded.  Arthur knows it’s coming, and I think he feels bad for her, but he doesn’t know quite how to interact with her on a personal level either given their class differences and Molly’s stubbornly holding to them. Susan’s clearly a mother figure to him, from their interactions (especially the “wash up” ones and the one where she asks if he had fun on his adventures), and given she’s known him since he was a boy.  He respects the hell out of her as that, and as camp arbiter.  If Arthur is Dutch’s leader in the field out on jobs, Susan is his counterpart in keeping the camp together.   Abigail is complicated.  She’s so much younger than him that I don’t think she makes a serious relationship option.  Plus that “I should have married her” feels like the disingenuous afterthought of a man who never even had that notion until Abigail was firmly caught up in a relationship with John.  While I think he cares for her in her own right quite deeply, as he does all the other women, so much of his attention to her is caught up in his projecting Eliza and Isaac and his own failures onto Abigail and Jack and John’s failures.  He’s trying so much to make up for his own sins by helping this woman with a small son and a useless babydaddy, with no expectation of anything, and no actual romantic attraction. Sadie--well, y’all know I’ve written volumes on Sadie.  ;)  She’s established as his equal and partner, and it says so much that right from their first outing together, they have such a natural and easy chemistry.  He laughs and jokes with her in a way that he doesn’t with anyone else in the gang.  He doesn’t have to protect her, and he doesn’t have to act like the man in charge to show her the ropes.  With Sadie, he can just be, and let go.  The trust between them is quick to develop, and pays off so much in Chapter 6 when they truly become each other’s ride or die, both in battle and in emotional vulnerability, right until the end.  It’s a truly beautiful and emotionally intimate relationship of equals between them, one of the game’s best, and I’m incredibly glad we got to see it.

[the-coldest-goodbye]

Stannis Baratheon – SFW Alphabet Headcanons

Stannis Baratheon x fem!reader

A/N: I have a headcanon backstory of how the reader and Stannis come together, which I describe in more detail under “B = Best friend.” The tl;dr is that you two marry for political reasons, not for love, but the friendship between you (and eventually love) emerges from this alliance as you two get to know each other better.

This is pre-Selyse, pre-Shireen, and pre-Melisandre.

Also, apologies about length. Some of the headcanons at the beginning are ridiculously long because I want to get my headcanon backstory in there to give more context to future answers, but they get quicker and easier to get through in the second half.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Stannis is by and large pretty unaffectionate. He’s not very in tune with his emotions, especially not the “softer” ones. He shows little to no PDA. He might take your arm and escort you when you appear together in public, but it’s done more out of a sense of husbandly duty and for the sake of keeping up with appearances, not really done out of warmth or affection. In private, he may open up a bit more around you and may show a slightly more vulnerable side, but only after a long time of trust being built up between you two. He’s pretty awkward and uncomfortable with affectionate words and touches because they don’t come natural to him. He would get red and flustered when you’d show affection towards him. Despite his initial discomfort, he surprisingly didn’t hate it and kind of grew to enjoy the affection you gave to him.

He would rather show his affection by being very loyal to you. He would never do anything to dishonor you, and he wouldn’t stand for you being disrespected by others. Even if he wasn’t good at expressing his feelings verbally or with touch, he’d show his affection for you through acts of service. He would ensure that you’re safe and taken care of and have everything you need. He would even come to learn things like your favorite meals and would make sure the cooks made them regularly for meals, or he’d learn your favorite colors and have dresses made for you in those colors. He’d also come to respect you and your perspective on things. He would confide in you and seek your counsel on important matters.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Your friendship comes after your marriage. Love comes even later. Your relationship starts off very practical and without emotional attachment. His brother Robert had just taken the throne. Stannis was the second son of what had just become the most powerful house in the seven kingdoms. You were from a smaller noble family, and your parents knew that marrying you to a Baratheon was a good move for your house. Stannis knew of your house’s importance in your region and knew it would be a smart political move to unite your houses so he would have an influence there. Stannis was the one who proposed the idea of him marrying you to your father. He had met you a few times and you had left a good impression on him every time. You had a good head on your shoulders. Your father seemed to have similar ideals as Stannis, as did you. You would occasionally chime in during political meetings and Stannis thought your input was very thoughtful and measured. If he were to marry, you seemed like a good choice.

Your courtship was chaste and fairly traditional. The two of you spent a bit of time together to get to know each other, though there was no love or romance there. This shared time confirmed his earlier impressions of you as thoughtful and clever, and you got to learn more about him as well. He wasn’t the most charismatic or charming, but he seemed respectful and honorable. Though he wasn’t the smoothest with his words, he was respectful towards you through and through. You had heard girls share stories about his brother Robert, how he was a womanizer and a brute and a lush, but Stannis was nothing like the eldest Baratheon brother. Maybe he wasn’t your Prince Charming, but he seemed like a man of honor. Maybe you didn’t love him (at least not at that point), but you felt that the two of you could build a life together based on mutual respect. As far as potential husbands went, it could be a lot worse.

After marrying each other, the two of you continued to learn more about each other and eventually built a friendship between you. You become friends when he shows he’s not as icy cold as he appears and when you show that you’re trustworthy, loyal, and genuine. (He detests the fakeness of social and political conventions that come with being noble-born. He likes someone who cuts to the chase instead of beating around the bush.)

As a friend, Stannis is loyal and honest. He wouldn’t hold back on his opinion. He’d often give unsolicited advice, which can be annoying, but it’s coming from a place of care and concern. He’s not the best at showing sensitivity in delicate situations, so don’t expect him to give you comforting words or sympathy. He’d rather give you advice on steps you should take to resolve any issues you’re facing. Though this can initially come off as uncaring or aloof, you begin to learn that this is just his way of showing concern and wanting the best for you. He would be a great ally to have. He’s very reliable and keeps his word. Stannis can be a bit of a stick in the mud and isn’t the most fun. He very rarely shows humor, but when he does it always catches you off guard and makes you burst out laughing. He tries to keep a stony face because he doesn’t want to reveal how pleased he is with himself for eliciting that kind of response out of you.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He’s pretty uncomfortable with cuddling. He generally won’t initiate it. He’ll tolerate it if you initiate it, but he’ll be pretty stiff about it and might cut it off after a little while. He’ll lay back and allow you to snuggle into his side or rest your head on his chest, and he might awkwardly place one of his hands on your back and pat you. He wouldn’t like to sleep cuddling. He prefers not touching during sleep so he can get uninterrupted rest. As your relationship continues and he’d find himself genuinely falling for you, he’d find himself more eager to cuddle with you immediately after sex when he’s feeling vulnerable and exposed. Your touches would assure him that you also feel some level of affection for him and that you’re not just having sex with him out of a sense of duty to try and produce an heir. He’s not used to other people feeling affectionate towards him and so he’d be insecure once he genuinely began to fall for you because he wouldn’t be sure if you shared those feelings.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

As a Baratheon, Stannis feels obligated to rule over a castle, get married, have children, and continue the Baratheon line. He doesn’t look at it with romanticism but rather as his duty. However, once the two of you become more comfortable with each other and he begins to view you fondly, you would begin to feel like home to him.

As a nobleman, he doesn’t bother with cooking and cleaning as there are other people to do that for him. He tends to be naturally tidy, though, and he runs a tight ship. 

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Stannis would be pretty straightforward and blunt if he ended your relationship. He doesn’t approach tough subjects with much decorum or sensitivity.

F = Fiancé(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Throughout most of his life, Stannis was never very sentimental about the thought of settling down. He knows that it’s expected of him and that it’s considered his duty to marry and have children. Not marrying for love doesn’t bother him. He is practical about it and sees it as an opportunity to unite houses for strategic political gain. If he and his spouse get along, all the better. If not, oh well. He just needs a functional arrangement that’ll get him an heir.

He would be very traditional in his courting process. He wouldn’t rush it or drag it out for too long. However, he would be fairly quick to begin the actual courting process. Because he views marriage practically and without sentimentality, he would begin to court you as soon as possible while you were still available once he felt that you were a suitable and beneficial match. He would be committed to you, though, even if your marriage began without love or passion. He takes his duties very seriously and wouldn’t do anything to dishonor you or your marriage.

He’d be pleasantly surprise after you got married and the two of you slowly began to develop a sense of love for each other. He never expected the marriage to work out so well. Deep down, he does get a bit more sentimental about your relationship as time passes and you come to love each other, though he wouldn’t really let it show.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Stannis is not very emotionally gentle. His words are often direct without sparing your feelings, especially at the beginning of your relationship before you two really get to know each other. However, although he’s harsh, he’s not entirely heartless. When he sees how much his words affect you, though, he makes an effort to soften his way of communication with you, particularly around sensitive topics. Both of you learn how to adapt your styles of communication to more effectively get through to each other.

Even at times when he cannot express himself through words, he tries to communicate with you through his actions. For example, if you had a hobby that you were passionate about, he’d initially scoff you, saying your hobby is inconsequential and a waste of time. He would see the hurt in your eyes as you angrily storm off. Within a few days, you would find a stack of neatly wrapped gifts on your side of the bed. They would be new objects related to your hobby, the finest quality available. If you liked reading fiction, you’d find a stack of books from your favorite genre that weren’t in your personal collection yet. If you liked painting, you’d high quality paints and brushes. If you liked sewing and embroidery, you’d find fine and expensive fabrics. As you’d go to thank him for the gifts, he’d hum in acknowledgment and softly say, “I know how important it is to you.” It’d be his own way of apologizing despite not knowing how to say the words.

Physically, Stannis is very gentle with you. He’s shy and bashful when it comes to affectionate physical touch. He’s not very confident and very unsure of himself. Stannis also wouldn’t be sure if you even wanted him to touch you, so he tried to avoid doing anything that made you uncomfortable. He’d rather let you initiate things. Also, even if he were enraged at you, Stannis wouldn’t harm you physically. He’d rather scold you and lecture you.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Stannis isn’t the biggest fan of hugs, especially not in public, but he would grow to like your hugs in private. He’d be stiff and awkward at first, but eventually would begin to loosen up and allow himself to enjoy the affection. He would rarely initiate hugs except for in high emotion situations or before he’d have to leave you for an extended period of time.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It would take a long time for Stannis to say he loves you. He knew you didn’t marry him for love, and he didn’t expect you to love him. However, as you two grew more understanding of each other, he found himself becoming rather fond of you. He was more vulnerable with you than he had been with anyone else in his entire life, and he’d be surprised at just how much he felt comfortable revealing to you. He trusted you more than anyone else. During one of his trips apart from you, he’d find you on his mind a lot, wishing you were there by his side for your counsel and company. The tent he stayed in felt unbearably quiet without your soft voice. He began to wonder if maybe this was love. He didn’t dare say anything about it, though.

One night, you and Stannis would be bickering about some political matters in the privacy of your chambers. He felt that it would be best to make a particular political alliance with a house that you felt was unsavory and potentially dangerous, and he felt that your resistance was uncalled for as you tried to talk him out of it. You’d angrily spit out, “You’re my husband and I love you. I just want you to be safe.” Stannis would be shocked into silence for a moment, letting your words register in his mind, before muttering that he loved you too and assuring you that he wouldn’t do anything to put you or him at risk.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Deep down, Stannis feels some insecurity knowing that he’s widely not well-loved, so he’d get jealous fairly easily if he felt like you were connecting with someone else better than with him. He’d feel especially vulnerable after beginning to wonder if he were actually falling in love with you. If he felt like a conversation between you and another person was becoming too flirty, he would take whoever was talking with you aside later and tell them to stay away from his wife. Then later at night when you two were alone in your chambers, he’d remind you through gritted teeth that you were married to him and would warn you that he doesn’t tolerate dishonor or disloyalty. 

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

At first, his kisses would be chaste, quick pecks. As the two of you grew closer, his kisses lengthen and deepen. He would save the more passionate kissing for when you’re in bed together, only revealing the true depth of his love for you behind the safety of closed doors. When you kiss, he likes to focus on your lips and neck. Though he likes being kissed on the lips, shivers run down his spine when you kiss his jawline and nibble his ears. He breaks out in goosebumps when he feels your hot breath tickling his ear.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Stannis is awkward as hell around kids. Really young children make him especially uncomfortable, and he’s not good at playing with them. He prefers children to be older when he feels like he can actually discuss matters and impart his wisdom on them.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Stannis wakes up early each morning. He would like you to wake up with him so you could attend meetings with him and provide counsel. He generally wakes up before you so he gets you out of bed.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

He typically stays up late. After dinner, he spends a few hours alone to get some work done, giving you an opportunity to have free time to pursue your own interests or hobbies. When he returns to your chambers, he’ll change into his bed clothes and the two of you will relax and continue some discussions from earlier in the day or go over what needs to be done the next day before going to bed.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Stannis has always been a fairly closed book. He doesn’t reveal much in general and would only do so after a certain level of trust had been built between you two. Stannis comes off as being very self-assured and stoic, but he slowly allows himself to be more vulnerable around you, revealing his insecurities and doubts. By starting to see him as a multifaceted person, you also start to fall for him. He’d be surprised at just how comfortable he felt confiding in you and how much he yearns for you to understand him. He tries to convince himself that he doesn’t care that he’s not well-liked by the public, but he finds himself caring whether or not you like him despite having a political marriage. He tries to be softer with you, especially when it’s the two of you alone, so that you realize he isn’t made out of stone. Him showing this much vulnerability would really help strengthen the bond between you.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

When irritated or angry, Stannis tends to make sharp comments expressing his displeasure and why you’re in the wrong, but he generally maintains his composure. He isn’t quick to get into a shouting match as he feels it’s undignified.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Stannis remembers information that he feels is important, but he’s not the best at remembering every little detail. He dismisses many things as inconsequential.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

His favorite memory with you is the first time you said you loved him (as detailed in “I = I love you”). He had been grappling with his feelings towards you for a while, and having you express these same feelings back at him unprompted caught him off guard. It really felt like a new phase in your relationship started and that your marriage was no longer just a political marriage.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Stannis is very protective of you. He makes sure that you’re guarded at all times, especially when he’s not with you. He also wouldn’t stand for anyone disrespecting you. If he heard one of his men say something bad about you, he would have them thrown in a cell for treason.

He wouldn’t expect you to protect him, but he would be deeply flattered when you would guard his honor and the honor of the Baratheon house as it would show that you care for him and for your life together. 

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Stannis isn’t the most romantic or sentimental person, so he wouldn’t put much weight into things like dates or everyday romantic gestures. On a more daily basis, he would show you he loved you through acts of service and making sure you felt comfortable and had everything you needed. On birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries, he would give you very nice and thoughtful gifts.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Stannis is stubborn as hell. He is very by the book and a stickler for enforcing rules. He tends to be overly serious most times and jokes generally don’t land around him. He typically doesn’t verbally apologize, even when he knows he’s in the wrong. He’s not entirely heartless, but emotional intelligence isn’t his strong suit. Getting him to the point where he shows vulnerability around you can take a long time. If you like a lot of physical affection, you’ll probably have a hard time feeling compatible with him since he’s relatively touch averse. Even after he gets a bit more comfortable with affectionate touches from you, he probably wouldn’t return physical affection to you as often as you’d like. 

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

He doesn’t concern himself too much with aspects of his physical appearance that he can’t control like his face or when he begins to lose his hair, but he does try to wear nice clothes and armor. Because of the position of nobility he’s in, he likes to present himself as looking put together, wealthy, and dignified.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Stannis would scoff at the idea of needing someone else to feel complete; however, deep down after he falls in love with you, he couldn’t fathom not having you by his side. No one had ever gotten to know him as deeply or intimately as you, and he feels quite attached to you. He’d feel lost without your partnership.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

He’s very tense at almost all times. His fists are usually clenched or he’s grinding his teeth.

He would always be quite pleased to see you wearing his sigil or colors, showing that you’re making an effort to into his house as his wife.

He would enjoy hearing you talk shit about his brothers. It sickens Stannis that Robert and Renly are so loved by the public when he believes that they disgrace the Baratheon name by not acting in a dignified manner.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Stannis doesn’t like rebels or people who don’t play by the rules. He is irritated by people who don’t publicly conduct themselves in a dignified way or when people don’t treat serious issues with the gravity they warrant. He also can’t stand people who only try to flatter him instead of giving their honest opinions. 

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Stannis is a very light sleeper. He gets very little sleep as it is, so he doesn’t like his sleep being disturbed for any reason. Because of that, he doesn’t like to be touching you while he’s sleeping, and the two of you each have your own furs to sleep under instead of sharing one. He doesn’t really snore, but he does grumble quietly in his sleep.

[youknowmymethods]

Content Creator Interview #1

In the very first of a series of interviews with authors and artists in the Sherlolly and Sherlock fandoms @theemptyquarto chatted to @hobbitsdoitbetter about dark Anglo-Irish humour,  how she got started in the fandom, cultural influences, and so much more. 

I hope you all enjoy reading what they have to say as much as I did.

Hello Tumblr!

Back before Christmas 2018 I sat down (metaphorically, in a shared google doc) with the lovely Hobbitsdoitbetter.  Hobbits has been working in fanfic at least since 2006, but came onto the BBC Sherlock scene in 2013, oddly enough (or maybe not that oddly, if you have read her sensitive and universally female-positive fic) getting her start as an Adlock writer.  She switched over to Sherlolly with the brilliant, “Be Near Me When My Light Is Low,” a graceful and touching story dealing with domestic partner abuse.

 After that she was off to the races.  Since then, she’s written many of the most beloved stories in Sherlolly fandom, including: “The Boyfriend Experience,” which yours truly got to beta-read, set in an AU where Sherlock is a high class escort; “Little Goldfish,”a deeply sexy story dealing with the healthy (and unhealthy) use of BDSM in relationships;  “The Rudest Man In London,” a rollicking Victorian AU adventure; and others too numerous to list here.  Currently she’s publishing “Bliss,” another sweet Victorian AU in which Sherlock and Molly have to find their way to one another as partners in a marriage blanc, and a joint fic with Mizjoely called “The Poison in the Honey, the Sting in the Sweet,” featuring crimelord Sherlock, MI5 agent Molly, and an early-1980s setting.

 Before I get into our chat, I’m going to post two reader questions submitted by OhAine pre-interview, since the actual discussion spins off both of them.  

So with thanks to Aine:

(1) You write a very strong Molly, never more so than in “What the blackbird sang.” Can you tell us a little about the process of writing that story, and how difficult was it to walk the line between such a harrowing backstory and the love story you were developing?

 It’s interesting to talk about “What The Blackbird Sang,” and the fic which preceded it, “Be Near Me When My Light Is Low.” It was the first Sherlolly piece I actually wrote, and I was still finding the characters’ voices. Getting John’s voice, in particular, proved a trial; it wasn’t until I wrote him telling someone off that I felt I had him. (I also wouldn’t make Mycroft so heartless if I wrote it today.) I was feeling my way through the Sherlockverse, and when I read the fic now, that’s really the only thing I can see, lol.  

 I was very aware of the morality of discussing something which affects people in real life, and of the ways in which some behaviors are presented to young women as welcome or romantic in popular culture when they’re actually creepy and controlling. Domestic violence is often presented in fanfic as an excuse for a character to be saved by another (male) character, or as an excuse for whump, angst or hurt/comfort, and I didn’t want to write anything like that. I wanted it to be realistic, and to be respectful of the experiences of people who have suffered from it. (I do know a couple of people who have survived DV, and I know their kids). I also wanted to show some of the things which younger readers should look out for as red flags, and give accurate information on what resources were available to them if they were in a situation which was dangerous. In short, I wanted the story to be useful as well as entertaining.

 In order to do that, I looked a lot at real life cases of DV; almost everything which Molly’s ex does to her in the story is based on something from real life, including leaving the little bloody dolls on her doorstep. I also looked at the ways in which people with PTSD deal with panic attacks and flashbacks; I wanted to be honest and respectful, as I said, and I wanted to make sure that nothing I wrote glamourised or romanticized the abuse or the trauma. I suffer from anxiety and depression, and I know how difficult it can be to try and manage someone else’s reaction to your illness, as well as your own: that’s why I chose to give Sherlock prior experience with dealing with panic attacks. Writing the story itself wasn’t difficult; because I had given myself an obligation to be realistic, I had an in-built set of brakes. I couldn’t put in anything too fantastical, and that certainly helped. As for writing the romance, well... I think one of the things I like about Sherlock is that he’s not led around by his libido. I figured that if anyone would be willing to give Molly a chance to heal before things become physical, it would be him. I also felt that, given how bewildered he is by interpersonal relationships sometimes, he would be able to sympathize with someone who was also feeling emotionally vulnerable. And dealing with the physical abuse helped Sherlock grow up a bit, because he couldn’t just charge in on a white horse and then disappear off: if he wanted to help, he had to stick around and do some things which he felt uncomfortable with, like being emotionally open. It meant that he had a through-line in the story which wasn’t just about being strong or powerful. He had to change and grow, and I felt that was important. It also meant that he had something to do besides be in love with Molly, and I do think that helped keep the story from becoming too saccharine or concerned with romance.  

 (2) I often think when I’m reading your Victorian stories that there’s a very certain quality that Molly shares with Irish women, that there’s a quietness and dignity to her strength that I saw in women of my mother’s generation: rather than being given it, they took power where they could find it. How much of your characterisation of Molly has been influenced by the women in your own history?

 It’s interesting that you mention the women of our mother’s generation as regards Victorian Molly, because I do think there’s an element, not so much of quietness (I come from a long, LOUD line of Northside Dublin matriarchs) but I do think there’s an element of, as you say, taking what power you can rather than waiting to be given it. (Because if you’re waiting to be given anything in life, you’ll be waiting a long time, and it can always be taken back). Maybe it’s the feminist in me; I am painfully aware that surviving as a woman in the past was not easy. It was a great deal more than pretty dresses and dashing men in carriages. Poverty had dire consequences, and you had to be tough if you were to survive, particularly when you had no legal rights. So I do think that I bring that attitude to writing about the past: I’m a bit cynical about it.

 I also don’t like writing passive characters: one of the things I like about Molly is that while she may be quiet, or shy, or sweet, or clumsy, she isn’t passive. (I suspect that’s the influence of Lou Brealey on the way she’s written, but that’s just a personal opinion.) Molly does things, actively: she decides to help Sherlock, she orders him to say ILY first. She’s not waiting to be saved, or to be loved; she accepts life and gets on with it. She has a sort of sweet stoicity that I like. And again, that stoicity may relate back to the women of our mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations, and that get on with it mentality that they had.

 And with these tantalizing tidbits, I sat down with hobbitsdoitbetter for our chat.

 Quarto:  Hi Hobbits!  Thanks for joining me!

 Hobbits: I am here whenever you’re ready!

 Quarto:  Awesome.  So, let’s get started with a spinoff of one of the questions OhAine submitted and that you’ve already answered.  You started writing Sherlolly with “Be Near Me When My Light Is Low,” which deals with domestic violence and in which the love story is really more of a side subject.  Can you talk about how you got the inspiration for this fic?  What in the show led you to create the material?

 Hobbits: It’s an odd one, that, because I don’t really remember deciding to write it. I do remember reading a piece of fic online by a very young writer, who was still learning her craft. She was doing that thing we all do at the start, which is ramping every reaction up to 11! But because she was talking about Molly feeling unhappy with how Sherlock spoke to her, she didn’t seem to realize how it came across. It came across, I remember thinking, as if Sherlock were being verbally abusive. A lot of it was in the reactions written on Molly’s behalf; one person’s sarcastic banter is another’s hurtful barb, and there didn’t seem to be a recognition of the difference. I messaged her privately and asked her about it, and she didn’t seem to see the difference (again, starting out and making a common mistake we all make). But there was a lot of stuff about Molly putting up with shite from Sherlock that I just didn’t see her putting up with, and which seemed to me to be quite… Let’s say unhelpful.

 Quarto:  I think it can be difficult to balance that sort of stuff in fic, particularly when you’re writing for a show like “Sherlock” where the wit is so pointed and exaggerated for dramatic effect.  In the context of the show it’s funny but then when we try to capture it in fic it comes off like it would IRL, as “Wow, these people are massive assholes.”

 Hobbits: Well, some of that is, I think, cultural differences. British and Irish people will say stuff to one another messing that the rest of the world is horrified by. We have a dark sense of humor as a matter of course. BUT the big thing is how the person you say it to reacts; Mycroft and Sherlock don’t get upset at how they speak to one another and they can be sarcastic little bitches. But if, for example, you say something to someone (as Sherlock does to Molly in the SIB Christmas scene) which hurts them, the appropriate response is to apologize and not do it again. I think that’s why we stick with Sherlock through so much, because you can tell that he just blurts stuff out, or gets so wound up in his own cleverness that he doesn’t stop to think about how it sounds. But if you’re portraying someone as upset, and that that’s a normal or desirable reaction to a character because they’re Just That Awesome, then I look at it a bit askance. In fairness to that writer from long ago, I don’t think it had occurred to her how it sounded; that’s something that comes later in writing, I think, when you no longer have the massive panic attack that is trying to finish something and put it out there, which is the first, scariest and bravest step.

 Quarto: I’ll want to get back to the experience of authorship in a minute but before I do I’d like to talk a little bit about culture and how its influenced you as a writer, which also ties in with one of the reader-submitted questions.  I wish I still had that email chain we did when you were writing “The Boyfriend Experience” but in one exchange we had that I recall, you disagreed with me (an American) that the story was dark.  And you attributed your perception of it as not dark to your Irishness.  And I kinda… have to stand by my original opinion of your writing, which is that you definitely operate a bit more on the grim end of the spectrum (with obvious exceptions).  Do you think that your heritage and your culture are really determining or influencing the things you choose to write?

 Hobbits: I remember that! I was terribly worried I had offended you :-( But I do think that the cultural assumptions that come from being working class and Irish determine your world-view, and what you think of as dark. (Infamously, Irish writers and playwrights are always writing dark plays and I have spent the last ten years working in a theatre, lol). But also, the reason I didn’t feel “The Boyfriend Experience,” was dark was because I didn’t necessarily feel prostitution or working through trauma were dark, they’re just facts of life. I do have stories I feel are dark, because they’re about hopelessness: Be Near Me… is one, as is Little Goldfish. I would say they’re dark because they take place primarily in very dark places where there’s no light coming in. Molly is being abused, Sherlock can’t move past his own hang ups and traumas. Those seem to me to be dark. But other things, where there’s a bad experience but people are managing to survive, or thrive, those I always find really life affirming. The other thing is that, as someone who deals with depression and anxiety, putting a label on something as dark has always seemed to me a way of making it seem more frightening and debilitating. But if you write about bad stuff that happens, but people survive it then I find that much more life affirming, particularly if you, The Reader, are dealing with some of those things yourself. It’s my way of saying, hey, this doesn’t define you. You aren’t helpless, you can get through this. Not “you must, because if you don’t then you’re weak,” but more, “even if you don’t entirely beat this, there are things you can do. You are more than a label.” Sorry, I’m not sure if I’m getting my meaning across there :-(

 Quarto: Nah, you’re doing fine:)  And at the point I made the original comment I don’t believe I knew how you were going to end the story… which you did with “recovery,” basically, rendering what comes before it a necessary process rather than “Oh fuck that’s a downer.”   When you’ve tried to write horror, though, I will say that you do very well with it, possibly because of that attitude.  The “Eurus thing” ficlet you wrote in “Bumping Back” is one of the creepiest short pieces I can recall reading in this or any fandom, and the bleakness of it is definitely part of that.

 Hobbits: Well, one of the things about writing horror is it’s the only genre I give myself permission in to go to town with the darkness, lol. Every other genre, I always try to have some light at the end, but with horror it’s like, nah, bring it on. I also love writing horror to do with children, because it’s immediately making the adults uncomfortable- Nobody wants to imagine a child in that position. And of course the scariest things for most of us have roots in childhood; Pan’s Labyrinth scared the Bejayzus out of me, Crimson Peak not so much. And it’s because the things which imprint on us in childhood carry that same massive emotional weight throughout our lives. So if you tap into that with a reader, you tap into the child that reader was, not the fully grown up and confident person they’ve become. You can really up the ante emotionally in that way. I’m glad you liked the Eurus Thing btw, though my favorite of that series is probably The Other Tenant, just because I loved the idea of Mrs. Hudson having her own life which is every bit as interesting as her boys’. That’s how I like writing side characters, and I learned that in the XMen fandom: write everyone as if they have something just as interesting going on just off camera/page… Mwah ha ha!

 Quarto: It’s a crime that there’s not WAY more Huddersfic.  She’s had a fascinating life and there’s almost infinite room to give her adventures.  Can we talk about how your life in the theater influences your writing a bit?  You work as far as I can tell exclusively in the present tense… is that a reason why?

 Hobbits: Mmm, that never occurred to me, but you may be right :-) I suppose I got used to writing in the present tense when I first started writing fanfic, because my earlier attempts at writing stories or novels (I emphasize attempts) were all in the past tense, so when I started in fanfic I wanted to experiment, and that was one of the experiments that worked for me. I loved how immediate it made everything. It’s funny, now, twelve years later, that I write so much more fanfic than I do regular prose (I mainly write plays now). I mean, I started in fanfic as a way to experiment with voice, since I had trouble with it when I was younger. I had a tendency, even then, to just write dialogue and nothing else, so I started writing characters I knew well, but who weren’t like the talkative characters I created. That’s one of the reasons I loved writing Logan in X-Men, for example: He’s so bloody gruff and uncommunicative. And then what started as a writing experiment became not only a place to learn my trade, but also a place to experiment with form, to make friends, and to write the sort of things I wanted to write without having to please anyone except myself. It was incredibly liberating, and really important in helping me find my voice and my confidence. I can genuinely say that I wouldn’t have had the confidence to have written my plays, or put them on, without the support of the fanfic community.

 Quarto: You do have a very distinctive authorial voice.  As someone who has been mistaken for MizJoely, Gettingovergreta, and Sunken_Standard on multiple occasions, I am slightly envious of this.  Do you have any authors, fan or professional, who you think have influenced your style?

 Hobbits: Well, in terms of style I can definitely cite Miabicicletta and OhAine as influences, in terms of the way they write and the subject matter they choose. Out here in meatspace, I love writers like Jim Butcher, Ben Aaronovitch and Leigh Bardugo, because they’re experimenting with genre and making it their own. I also love playwrights like Marina Carr and Mark O’Rowe, who again have that authorial voice down pat. As soon as you hear a speech by Marina Carr, you know it’s her. Same with Mark O’Rowe, a man whom even I think writes some dark stuff.

 Quarto: I’m not familiar with him, but I’ll check him out.  And now that you say it, the gritty modern-day fairytale vibe of the Dresden Files does definitely have some hobbitsy nature to it:)

 Hobbits: God bless Harry Dresden, saving the world one random act of destruction at a time!  

 Quarto: Let’s talk shipping a bit.  You started off with Adlock, and one of the things that I have liked about your fic is that you have preserved the importance of that relationship to Sherlock even though you’re obviously writing Sherlolly.  What made you switch?  And when did you start?

 Hobbits: Well, I was asked to write an Adlock fic, which is how I got into the fandom. I had just finished a Darcy/Steve Rogers fic which was about them experimenting with D/s and Wicked Wanton got in touch with me on ff.net and asked me to write about Sherlock and Irene’s first time, specifically because I had written domme!Darcy. Once I wrote that, I started reading stuff around Sherlock and basically stumbled across Sherlolly, which I then fell in love with as a ship. I also felt that Irene, as much as I loved her, wasn’t the sort of person who would have a traditional HEA with Sherlock; my feeling about them was that they would kill one another, long term. Irene is nobody’s love interest, and I couldn’t really make stories which featured her in such a role fly with me. She seemed far too big a character to fulfill a role like that. Whereas with Molly she could have that sort of relationship with him, and not feel constricted. It wouldn’t be out of character for her, which I felt it would be for Irene. But I like Irene as a character, and for that reason I like having her in stories, and I treat her and SHerlock’s past together with respect. It’s entirely possible to love someone and know you can’t live with them. It doesn’t mean Sherlock loves Molly any less, or that he’s settling, they’re just a better match.

 Quarto: Sort of going along with what you were saying earlier about wanting to fill in the stories of the supporting players more than the principals?

 Hobbits: Yeah. I also found Molly more relatable in some ways, because she is the girl next door in a way that Irene isn’t. Molly is extraordinary, and a very specific type of female character who tends to get piled on by certain elements of fandom, so I like writing her. It’s partly wanting to give the side players more space and partly the fact that I loves me an underdog. And the reaction to her character was also soooo tied in with some of the issues fandom has had with misogyny (in the same vein that people reacted to Mary) that I wanted to write something which was pro-woman and pro-ordinary woman. We treat female characters as if we need an excuse to pay attention to them: either they’re naked or suffering or sexy. If they’re not fitting into any of those very specific niches then they get treated like they don’t deserve our attention or respect.

 Quarto: It can indeed be difficult to relate to Irene “Stupidly beautiful, ten steps ahead of everybody, wearing $10,000 outfits” Adler sometimes.  So let’s talk about your Molly a bit… you relate to her being the most “ordinary” woman in the show.  Martin Freeman talked about how John is the “ordinary” man, but is in fact quite accomplished and has had a very interesting and adventurous life.  Do you think something similar applies to Molly?

 Hobbits: Yeah, absolutely. I think that when we talk about “ordinary characters,” in the Sherlock universe, it can be helpful to think about them, not in terms of who they are but what they want. John, Molly and Greg are all normal people who are very good at their jobs/have an amazing skill set, but they want relatively normal things. Happy home lives, a comfortable living. Their version of happiness would look a lot like us viewers’ version. Whereas Sherlock, Mycroft, Mary (to a certain extent), Eurus and Irene all want extraordinary things, as well as being extraordinary themselves. Sherlock wants to be able to tell the truth of someone just by looking at them; Mycroft and Eurus both want to be able to fit this massive, messy world into a box of order which they can understand. Irene wants to see just how far she can push everything, (something she has in common with Sherlock). John, Molly and Greg are ok with having lives more like us other poor schlubs, so long as they’re happy. (Of course, there’s a whole can of worms to be  gone through whether John actually wants that, or thinks he wants that and deep down doesn’t). But I do think Greg and Molly are certainly happy to be Extraordinary Ambitions Adjacent, rather than having those ambitions themselves. They’re not quite so… grandiose, lol.

 Quarto: I can’t believe I’m actually going to type these words, but… I’d argue that Molly is a John mirror (ughhh, m-theory) in some regards.  Because Molly had the opportunity for “normal happiness” with Poor Tom Who Did His Best, and for somewhat ambiguous reasons ended it. Much like John thought he wanted a normal domestic life and accidentally married a superagent?

 Hobbits: I so sometimes hate how much of what should be straight-forward fandom theory has been co-opted. I don’t know if I see her as a mirror for John, because I think if anything she’s a mirror for Sherlock. She’s who Sherlock might have become, had be had a different, more normal set of circumstances. (IE not being the sibling of The British Government and The Greatest Criminal MInd of The Millennium.) Whereas for John, I do think he doesn’t realize that he’s a weirdo like the Holmeses, until it’s staring him in the face. Molly isn’t an image of who he is, so much as who he thought he was, and in that way so are Greg and Stamford. A true mirror might be Sherlock himself, in his addicted-to-danger guise. Hmm, not sure that makes sense… :-/

 Quarto: No, it makes sense, but it’s not a point of view I’ve seen many people espousing, even in Sherlolly fandom.  When you’re writing them do you use the idea that Sherlock and Molly are recognizing some sort of internal similarity to themselves as part of their attraction/interest in one another?

 Hobbits: I do think there’s an element of that, because a lot of what I write has Sherlock being a bit bewildered by emotion, particularly things like tenderness or attraction. Like, the purpose of the whole in-show thing with Irene was that The Woman was dangerous and not to be trusted, which is the message that Mycroft has always seemed to give Sherlock about feelings. So for me Molly represents for him a gradual realisation that feelings aren’t always big and terrifying; they can be sweet, and welcome, and kind, and they can add to your life. They can be safe. The concept of safety gets a bum rap in modern culture, but I think it’s a fundamental part of loving someone, and being able to be with them. Sure, it’s exciting to wonder whether your partner is going to put a knife in your back, but it’s a lot more pleasant (not to mention workable) to be with someone you trust.

 Quarto: Mind if I ask a follow-on question about some of your sexy writing?

 Hobbits: Sure, shoot :-)

 Quarto: You’ve written several BDSM-themed fics with this pairing, I think exclusively with domme!Molly… does that go along with your ideas of “safety” as a critical component to their relationship?

 Hobbits: Yes, in so far as I don’t think BDSM is necessary to feel safe in a relationship, but I do think that the attraction of BDSM in relationships can be that it’s rooted in safety. The submissive gives their control to the dominant, and trusts that the dominant will not take advantage, and will give them pleasure. (One of the reasons I ship Sherlolly more than Adlock is that I don’t think Irene could be trusted, at this point in her life, to do this for Sherlock). If you take that as a given, then the BDSM relationship is very up-front in its terms, and there’s very little grey area. You don’t have to interpret, you’ve already discussed what’s wanted, and where the lines are. There is also a procedure to follow if you need to pull back or change tack. I do think that all couples have elements of submission and dominance (or maybe trust and hand-over is a better way to phrase it), it’s just that D/s couples are more forthright about it. And as someone who sometimes has trouble reading social cues, both I (and, in my writing, Sherlock) appreciate the lack of ambiguity.

 Quarto: You know you bring up a very interesting point and one that I never really thought of.  Your Sherlock, consistently, needs to have trust and safety in his relationship with Molly.  BDSM-fics or otherwise.  And you wrote a lot of them before we knew that he was recovering from such horrific trauma that he suppressed and rewrote the memories of huge segments of his childhood.  What did you see in the character that made you almost prescient about that?

 Hobbits: Hmm… I think it’s because he was, from the beginning, presented to us as someone who was running from something. When you’re ok with where your thoughts are at, you don’t crave distraction in the way Sherlock does. He also didn’t seem to be able to handle his feelings, and that seemed to be tied into the way Mycroft had raised him to think of them: When there isn’t anything dark in the background of a character’s story, they learn to handle their emotions like a normal person, which neither Sherlock nor Mycroft had. It became even more pronounced when we met their lovely, slightly batty but seemingly emotionally healthy parents.

 To be honest though, even if Sherlock hadn’t had the experiences we found out about in S4, I would have thought that the way he’d been raised had traumatized him a bit. Like, Mycroft probably thought he was doing a good thing, but telling a child that their emotions- which they cannot be without, and which act as an early-warning system for abuse and trouble- are not to be trusted is going to mess a kid up. And then there was all that stuff about “do not forget me…” in TAB, and that constant visual about Sherlock being submerged in water… The visuals of the show seemed to be hinting at something even before they came out with it. I am pleased that I called Eurus’ gender before S4, but that’s about the only thing I thought was just me being clever. The rest seemed common sense- If you’ve spent any time around traumatized people, which I have.

 Quarto: You mentioned in your response to the reader questions that you now wouldn’t write Mycroft as being as heartless as you did in, “What The Blackbird Sang.”  Is that just your perception changing or the addition of new material about him to the canon?  Because that is the opposite of how I’ve felt about him:)

 Hobbits: Partly, it’s because I think Mycroft has changed a bit from how we see him in S1, so that by S4 he’s more of a tragic figure. He’s that bloke who thought he was so much cleverer than everyone else, and then you realize that it’s just a cover because he has been asked to deal with things he has no idea how to deal with. And his sticking with keeping Eurus on Sherrinford, and not telling his parents, shows that. (In my HC, Rudy was her initial jailor, since Mycroft couldn’t have been old enough to make it happen). Mycroft reacted like a little kid who has done something wrong: hide it, contain it, don’t tell anyone about it. Make sure, as far as possible, that Eurus is ok, but that’s all. He puts all this pressure on himself, because he doesn’t know what else to do. One of the things which I loved about TFP is when Mummy tells Sherlock, “everyone knows you’re the sensible one!” Because yes, Mycroft is the elder and seems so much more put together, but in that family Sherlock is actually the emotionally healthy one. He’s grown and learned over the years, which Mycroft hasn’t. And that’s a real shame, because it damages Mycroft, and Eurus, and his parents.

  (At this point in the interview Quarto ran a word count, realized this was getting lengthy, and decided to do some more rapid-fire Q&A.)

  Quarto: So where do you see your future fics going, at two years into the long (and possibly unending) hiatus?  Any things you’re wanting to write that we haven’t seen yet?

 Hobbits: Well, I suppose I’ll stop writing when I stop having ideas for fics. I mean, that’s the thing about fandom, it’s a self-replenishing medium, so even if a new piece of canon doesn’t inspire you, a new fic or piece of fan art might. I do have a couple of pieces I wish I had gone back to (The Copperbeech Identity, Red Door Black and No Capes! Are the ones which spring immediately to mind.) Obviously, I want to finish Bliss and The Sting in The Honey… And I do have an idea for a Sherlolly AU which is set in a theatre during the production of a new show. (Seriously, you wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve seen in the last week before curtain-up, lol). At some point I’ll get to it, hopefully. For the time being though, I’m happy where I am. The only way I’d move on or step away is if I find something which grabs my attention more, and at the moment that’s not happening. So I am here for the time being, and I’m hoping that, even if I stop posting fic or fan art (something I’m dipping my toe into) then I will still be able to keep in touch with all the friends I’ve made in the fandom.

 Quarto: I’d love it if you finished “Red Door Black.”  I reread that one while prepping for this and had forgotten how much I loved it.  And I’m here for your theater AU.  Any fics you wish you’d written differently, or things you’d change?

 Hobbits: I would have written Mycroft differently in Be Near Me… as I said. I might have written some of Rudest Man... differently, because I felt it ended up being very finicky as a plot. I had so many balls in the air, I’m not entirely sure I kept them all in motion in the best way. But that’s what happens when you give yourself 4 main pairings, two villains and permission to bring in any universe elements you want, including Torchwood and Tarzan, lol. Also, Sally and Henry Knight’s day will come, I tell you!

 Quarto: Lol, I’d forgotten the little Lord Greystoke cameo in that one.  What’s the best thing you’ve written?

 Hobbits: Ah jaysus, you can’t ask an author that! I have some stories which I love, but which haven’t gotten much attention: Sense and Sensitivity, for example, in which Eurus runs away with the Guardians of the Galaxy, for example. Occasionally I just write weird stuff which makes me laugh. I think And A Garden… and What the Blackbird Sang are probably the two best structured stories. There’s nothing superfluous in them, nobody is out of character. I love the emotion of The Coffin-Maker’s Lullaby, because it was kind of like my thank you to the show; I had assumed that after S4 there was no chance it was coming back, at all, EVER, so that was my goodbye in a way. (Although, of course, then the fandom just kept going, and we found out there might be more, eventually. So it ended up being less a swan-song and more a high five)

 Quarto: The original version of that question, FWIW, was “what’s the worst thing you’ve written” but I’m being positive today:) Any tips for fic writers just in general, or for people writing Sherlolly, or Molly specifically?

 Hobbits: I have to admit, if I think something is bad then I’ll pull it. So anything I have up, I feel fairly happy with, even if I can see little niggling things I might change, not be happy with.

 I think in writing, the thing I always say is do the first draft. Do the first draft and be happy that it’s shite, that’s the first draft’s job. You only get better if you write that first draft, and then improve on it. You only learn if you do that, and it’s trial and error. There’s a Miles Davis quote I love: “It sure does take a long time to sound like yourself.” And it’s true, it does. So give yourself the time. Don’t be worried about not sounding like anyone else: you only have to sound like you. If you’re writing in fandom, don’t stay in a fandom which is nasty to you or negative; you want to be in a place which is supportive. The Clois, Rogan and Sherlolly fandoms were all supportive and kind to me, and I couldn’t have developed as I have without them. I also couldn’t have continued to write the fic I write, which is feminine-positive, in a nasty or anti-feminist place. My one rule for my fic is that one of the female characters, somewhere, must be either getting what she wants, or on the way to getting it. That should absolutely be a thing in writing, and never be embarrassed or sorry about wanting that.

 As for Molly, I think the writers have done an amazing job with her over the last few years. She went from being a walk over to an interesting, multi-faceted character in her own right. And she did it without having to become something she’s not: Molly will never be a Strong Female Character, and thank god for that! She’s more human and more interesting than that tag would ever make her.

 Quarto: Words of wisdom.  Hobbits, thank you for talking with me today!

 Hobbits: It was my pleasure. If you need anything else, just let me know… And merry Christmas from Dublin :-)

So much thanks to Quarto and Hobbits for giving their time and energy to this project.

Next week: 

Our next interview, featuring @lilsherlockian1975 and @mrsmcrieff, will be posted on Friday 22 February.

[millennialzadr]

About Page!

Hello~! Thank you so much for visiting my blog! My name is Koya, I’m 25, I’m pansexual, my pronouns are she/her, and I’m a full time freelance artist! My main blog is @koyakyuuun, so I’ll be liking and following from there!

Below are some guidelines for those who are curious to know more about this blog and what to expect from it, as well as some general info and FAQs!

Content Guidelines!

The focus of this blog!

So this blog is a mish mash of a couple different themes, but above all it is an adult oriented Invader Zim fan blog!! I grew up with the show and and was a BIG fan during highschool, and after rediscovering it this year I have been DAZZLED and DELIGHTED by the fan content being produced today!! I have a deeply nostalgic yet completely new perspective on the show now that I’m in my 20s, so alongside of celebrating iz content and fan content in general, this blog will center around my niche fave: the iz cast + millennial culture! in other words, the characters depicted as if they lived in the real world and aged in real time! I loved and related to the characters as a kid, and I still love them dearly to this day, so to see people experiment with character interpretations and create adult versions of them means I can still relate to them even now, and even make my own versions! and as a queer neurodivergent millennial who loves niche culture, my favorite versions of the characters are queer neurodivergent millennials who love niche culture!! (and by niche culture I mean MEMES, AESTHETICS, BAD FASHION, GAY CULTURE, CRYPTID CULTURE, DARK CORNERS OF THE INTERNET, CREATIVELY WEIRD SELF EXPRESSION ETC!!)

And of course the other main theme which fits into the first: ZADR! while I don’t ship Zim and Dib as they’re canonically presented in the show, I DO adore the idea of the two growing up together, eventually becoming friends, and eventually falling in love. I’m a Big Gay and I love romance and lgbt content, and ZADR holds such a soft place in my heart 😭 I wrote a big post about why I love it so much which you can see here if you’re curious about my interpretation of the ship!

And now, some guidelines!!

Things I enjoy and will be posting/reblogging!

- general IZ content! because holy SHIT I love the show and ALL the content the fandom creates is awe inspiring and amazing!!!

- millennial culture/humor! I FUCKING LOVE IZ + 2019 POP CULTURE REFERENCES AND MEME CONTENT OKAY

- POSITIVE CONTENT! IZ is my comfort content and I deeply admire the positive impact the show has had on so many people. I also interpret Zim and Dib as having hard lives and mental problems but eventually recovering and finding happiness (and making each other happy!!). I do also love vent content and gritty/dark themes from an artistic standpoint (and of course comedic Depression™ memes) but I will be focusing much more on comforting and uplifting content!

- character development/relationships, fluff, comedy, domestic content, daily life, sci fi, conspiracy/cryptid content, fashion portraits and camp horror!! these are my favorite themes!!

- friendship, romance, and found family!! I adore the relationships between the characters and they ALL DESERVE LOVE!!!!! JHONEN CAN BITE MY ASS

- the IZ creators!! speaking of Jhonen LOL I LOVE seeing content about the creators themselves!! I genuinely have such affection and admiration for the wonderful people who brought and continue to bring the world of IZ to life, they are such amazing and inspiring human beings and I will be celebrating them alongside their creations!!

- IZ characters + aesthetics!! some of my MOST favorite IZ content depicts the characters being stylized with or sporting the fashion of vaporwave, goth, grunge, pastel, spacecore, cryptidcore, future funk, 90s disastercore and any and all things strange, niche, glittery and neon, and I FUCKING LOVE IT. GOD

- and lastly, I talk a fuck of a lot, as you can probably tell by this post lol. I’ll be screaming in the tags constantly and am liable to write the occasional super long text post! for those who are into that, I invite you to have discussions with me! and for those who aren’t, feel free to ignore them!

Things I will be staying away from!

- romantic content that depicts the characters as minors AKA underage zadr!! there will be no kid ships here! I’m an adult and only enjoy shipping adult versions of the characters! kid content will be either canon, wholesome, or friendship content! while I do find adult versions of the characters attractive since they have qualities I find attractive in real life, I see the adult versions as almost completely different people since they’re so far removed from the source content, and the love I feel for the canon kids is HIGHLY maternal and very nostalgia centric. this would probably be more clear if I didn’t lump the two types of content into the same blog, but I really do love both the adult fan interpreted IZ world and the canon IZ world in equal measure, just in different ways!

- content that fetishizes or ‘yaoi’-fies gay relationships! I am a queer person and I enjoy queer content made by queer people for queer people, you’re not gonna find any “B-BUT WE’RE BOTH BOYS!” shit here 😂

- content that depicts abuse between friends or partners!! while violence is an active theme in zim and dib’s canonical relationship, I very much dislike zadr content that depicts the two being aggressive or malicious towards each other while they’re supposedly in love. complex relationships are certainly interesting, but while toxic and abusive relationships are realistic, they’re not okay and should not be romanticized. I understand some people use that kind of content to cope, but for me it’s nothing but bad feelings. sparring and play fighting is fine and good, consensual violence could be interesting to explore, but hatred will stay separate from romance on this blog.

- discourse and long conversations about negative topics! I acknowledge the importance of discussing problems within the fandom, however I wish for this blog to be a positive and comforting place, since iz content in general is positive and comforting for me! there may be an occasional post that touches on real life negative topics but overall this will be kept to a minimum.

- explicit content!! while I DO both draw and consume nsfw adult zadr content, it will not be on this blog! since tumblr decided to be idiots and remove any way for minors and people who don’t wish to see nsfw content to hide it, this blog will remain pg-13. I will also not be providing any links to my other sites because of this (I am a nsfw artist and I sell porn commissions for a living, not trying to shove that in the faces of my minor, ace and sex repulsed followers, but by all means seek out my art if you DO wish to!). similarly, I will not be releasing my nsfw zadr art publicly anywhere, since aged up characters are controversial and my career, being online, could suffer if someone wanted to use that against me. HOWEVER, for fellow adult fans with extra cash who take a shine to my art, paid content could be a possibility in the future 👀

Interaction Guidelines!

Things I’m okay with!

- tagging my posts in any way you wish! kinning is fine! any ship interpretation is fine! any gender/orientation interpretation is fine! sharing your thoughts/opinions is fine!

- as long as you CREDIT me! using my art for icons/headers etc, drawing my iz designs, referencing my art, and reposting my art on other sites is all okay!

- asks or anons of any questions you might have about me or my content!

- asks or anons popping in to share thoughts, opinions and ideas! it’s always nice to hear from other fans!

- leaving comments in the tags/replies/reblogs of my posts makes me very happy!! tumblr is the only place I post my fanart and I love seeing what people think of it!

Things I’m not okay with!

- messages, reblogs, tags or asks that are blatantly rude or disrespectful! I really do not care what the subject or reason is, if you act like an asshole, I will not respond and will block you!

- asks or messages that say only ‘hi’ or ‘how are you?’ I have no problem with people trying to be friendly but I never have a single idea of how to reply to these kinds of messages, I’m so sorry 😂 please talk to me about fandom stuff though!!

- pressure to produce content! I like any other creator adore comments and compliments, but things like “DRAW MORE!!” “MORE ZADR!!” “WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DRAW MORE!!” are not compliments!! it is in fact very off putting so please don’t do that! it will mess with my motivation! consider commissioning me if you want more content!

- if you are considering trying to be my friend, please be 20+!! I am not comfortable being friends with teens! nothing against my teen followers, I respect and appreciate you, but please understand I cannot relate to you on a personal level, and besides that, being friends with someone over 20 can be harmful and even dangerous for minors! I am an adult and only wish to have adult friends! please respect my wishes!

About my content!

So since what I like to draw is usually pretty different from the show, here are the basic headcanons for my interpretations of adult Zim and Dib~! Basically they’re queer 2019 millennials who are damaged but doing their best and enjoy niche interests and subcultures. Zim is the type who’s tough to handle but it’s worth it because he’s an amazing and colorful person underneath it all and only those he’s close to get to see that, and Dib is an eccentric but completely reliable, intelligent, passionate, and loyal friend whose company is a familiar comfort and a total safe space. They live together and are mutually beneficial allies to friends to lovers!

I HAVE A FIC, or at least an idea for one lol and when using my designs for the characters, my drawings will most likely be set in its context! Affectionately nicknamed the Soft AU, it’s centered around rest, recovery, affection, care and bonding… bc I’m SOFT OKAY 😂 You can read the full summary here, but here’s the gist!

A little over a decade after arriving on earth, Zim’s banishment is reinstated and as a result his entire base and all his equipment is confiscated, leaving him stranded on Earth with no way off the planet and in danger of being caught and killed by the humans. Dib offers him a deal that he’ll hide Zim instead of turning him in in exchange for letting him study Zim. They live together in Dib’s apartment and eventually get used to each other. Loneliness induced affection ensues. Hooray!!

And now for the boys themselves!

My Dib!

- 25, 6′2″, Mexican, cis boy, bisexual, bilingual

- is recovering from depression and anxiety and has ADD and insomnia, has had a nicotine addiction

- has a ton of ear piercings and a few facial piercings, as well as a few tattoos

- is still just as obsessive about his interests as he was as a kid, just with more curbed enthusiasm due to, yknow, depression. researching Zim however brings his enthusiasm back full force. he still sucks at taking care of himself when enthralled with his work but he’s getting there

- runs various blogs, forums, and youtube channels making content about cryptids and conspiracy theories, the ad revenue of which is his main source of income (he dislikes using his father’s money to support himself, but will dip into the family account occasionally)

- is very patient and can communicate and problem solve very well, and is skilled at handling various conflicts and mental issues

- still has his ‘I hate people’ attitude but is more open minded and understanding than he used to be, and more compassionate. he has difficulty trusting strangers but his friends and family are very important to him

- can be moody and dramatic but he’s a big sweetheart at his core

- being friends with Zim has made him more willing to enjoy acting like a huge dork and total weirdo, even in public

My Zim!

- young adult, 5′5″, androgynous presenting demi boy, panromantic demisexual

- has PTSD and anxiety, is recovering with help from Dib

- displays inhuman behavior such as hissing, growling, chirring, chirping, scratching/biting, screeching, territory guarding and dominance displays

- is a demi boy, meaning he identifies as mostly but not completely male, and is more nonbinary than cis, but he’s never given it too much thought because gender is stupid. he has little to no concept and zero regard for human gender roles

- is a SHIT who’s main entertainment is annoying Dib and ‘winning’ arguments, but Dib seems to get harder to piss off as time goes on, much to his confusion

- pitches a fit when he doesn’t agree with/doesn’t want to do something but can be swayed with rewards such as food, sweets, new clothes, video games etc

- rambunctious and high energy, he gets stir crazy often, but since he hates the city he and Dib often take car trips to more fun/nicer places outside the neighborhood

- moody and bratty with skewed logic but smart and more intuitive than he used to be, he’s more than a handful to deal with, but this also makes him the most entertaining person Dib knows

- after having the free time to discover the world of aesthetics, he becomes very much into clothes, make up, accessories etc (be they masculine or feminine) and enjoys making a hobby out of creating a unique self image using fashion (thus also subconsciously asserting his individuality)

- is much more dependent on Dib than he admits (or even realizes)

- his beliefs in nationalism, fascism and genocide are direct results of brainwashing and personality altering programs run by his PAK, and are not actually part of his core personality (these programs will be overridden and deleted eventually)

Side Note: I haven’t thought as far with the other characters but my Gaz and Tak are definitely lesbians 😂

And finally, my tag list!

#my art - things that I drew!

#my post - any post that I posted!

#asks - asks!

#text post - any text post longer than a couple lines!

#video - videos!

#audio - audios!

#canon - content from the show/comic/movie etc!

#creators - any content featuring the IZ cast or crew!

#memes - memes, shitposts, short comics, comedic posts etc!

#friends - friendship art between any characters!

#family - family bonding between the membranes/found family between any characters!

#ships - ship art between adult characters!

#suggestive - any content that could be considered sexual in nature!

#positive - fluff, friendship, wholesome content, uplifting content, characters being happy/cute/having fun etc!

#negative - angst, vent art, violence, mental illness, dark themes, characters fighting/being sad/getting hurt etc!

#kids - content depicting characters as kids/irkens as their canon designs!

#adults - content depicting characters as adults/irkens with noncanon designs!

#millennials - content depicting adult characters that includes any modern culture! (personal fave)

#aesthetic - highly stylized or surreal portraits centered around aesthetic themes!

ship tags!: zadr (zim and dib romance), tagr (tak and gaz romance), rapr (red and purple romance)

friendship tags!: zadf (zim and dib friendship), tagf (tak and gaz friendship), zatf (zim and tak friendship), tadf (tak and dib friendship), zagf (zim and gaz friendship), zag (zim and gir)

character tags!: zim, dib, gaz, tak, gir, red, purple, membrane, skoodge, gretchen, keef, spork, miyuki, recap kid, bg chars, ocs

[omgktlouchheim]

Word Vomit Wednesday - Romanticizing Rejection

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts where I attempt to process thoughts and feelings around a specific topic or current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own (unless otherwise indicated); I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

Recently, I’ve made some more deliberate efforts to create community and meet people now that I’m more settled and steady in Tucson. This need to venture out and start testing the waters led me to sign up for a three-month virtual community that was being beta-tested by my life-coach. The calls were scheduled to happen once a month for two hours with a max of up to 30 people. They began with an exercise to ground us and any anxieties we might be bringing into the call, a brief ice-breaker to get acquainted with one another, then a specific topic that the majority voted for would be presented, either by my life coach or a volunteer from the group that we would build a conversation around. On the last call that we had in November, the topic was about rejection. Mostly around intimate or romantic relationships, although we also got into the ways we’ve felt rejected by others in often small, subtle ways that resulted in big impacts on our lives. Other than discussing those smaller moments I admit, I was not interested in the topic. I couldn’t quite figure out what was so compelling about rejection.

Then, as I do, I started thinking about it. I read a Refinery29 article that talked about the man who invented “Rejection Therapy,” a game where the aim is to get rejected by others to build resilience to the fear of rejection, and watched a TedTalk where another man who took the game and challenged himself to vlog getting rejected for 100 days and how it changed his life for the better. As I thought, and read, and watched I came to an understanding that underneath the blanket of “rejection” seems to be where the issues actually lie. Fear of putting yourself out there. Not wanting to open yourself up to potentially painful situations. Anxious/avoidant/dysfunctional attachment issues. Asking for help or for something that you want or need. Tapping into your own creativity. Setting a boundary. The rejection itself doesn’t seem to be the actual issue. The underlying issue is showing up in the world fully as yourself and the reality that you may have to make some tough decisions regarding your relationships when certain people are not so accepting. Sometimes the fear of rejection is also about how a rejection is relayed. Humans are notorious for responding to others in a multitude of fucked up ways. Ghosting, public humiliation, abuse, torture, condescension/belittling/minimizing, interrupting, ignoring, attacking, defending, stonewalling, projecting/deflecting, lying… the list goes on and on. Given all of this, I feel like rejection and the ways it can be demonstrated is more telling of the source and is imperative information to have for our own health and well-being.

Pain, in and of itself, is important. Not in the bullshit “no pain no gain” way, but in that it is a part of the human condition in the same way that joy, sadness, excitement and other emotions and sensations are a part of the human condition. When feelings come up for us, they present us with data based on internal and external stimuli and it is our job to interpret that data as accurately as possible to then take any action that may be required of us. We can have a tendency to have difficulty when thinking about our feelings this way because in this society we are essentially conditioned to cut off communication between ourselves and our emotions and other physiological sensations our bodies use to relay important messages to us. It can make it very hard, scary even, to retrain ourselves to listen to ourselves. Instead we choose to ignore feelings when they come up, maybe become annoyed with ourselves when uncomfortable feelings arise, binge eat to try to physically shove discomfort down, shop compulsively because we think something external will quiet or “fix” the internal, and develop a variety of other coping mechanisms because we don’t know what to do with them and probably had never been given the space to safely explore what they could be trying to tell us. When pain gets activated either physically or emotionally, it usually means a major boundary has been crossed, or something is wrong and needs to be checked out right away. When we stub our toe walking into the couch going from one room to the next in our house, we learn to pay more attention to our surroundings and adapt. When we’ve been running around from errand to errand all day and our body begins to ache, we know we’ve reached our limit and need to take a break. And when we come down with some illness and are coughing so hard that it hurts to even breathe, we go to the doctor. Because we feel pain, we are able to take charge and make any number of possible necessary changes to our lives. It can become trickier to know what action to take when our feelings get hurt (because it’s both a physical and  largely internal response), but really the same principles apply. When someone says or does something that hurts your feelings you figure out what nerve that hit and determine if this is a person you keep in your life and to what extent based on your particular boundaries and needs. Easier said than done, I know. 

On the flip side of this, and as the title of this essay indicates, we are not only a society that teaches us to fear pain and any “negative” feelings but we are also one that is OBSESSED with suffering. Everything from our narratives about tragic “starving artists,” the 24-hour news cycle, the internet, the romanticization of drama in our relationships, violence permeates almost every aspect of our culture. There is a huge difference between pain and suffering though. Pain, like I said before, is there to relay a message to us that we then interpret, take action on, and release. Suffering, on the other hand, is something we do to ourselves. We replay old narratives on loops that keep us trapped in emotional purgatory and we take our issues out on others instead of tackling them head on and making difficult but necessary changes in our lives. And sometimes we even allow and cause the suffering of others because we benefit from the exploitation of others. So, it’s entirely possible that it may not even be pain from rejection we’re all trying to avoid, but all pain because we’re already so overloaded with so much pain AND suffering. We are so desensitized to pain in a variety of forms, no wonder our relationship with it is dysfunctional. We may honestly, be too tired to even think about engaging with it. Unfortunately, when we ignore it we allow injustice to flourish and we lose out on so much. Not only do we not see all the choices and opportunities laid out before us, or take risks in relationships, we are so used to fear that we end up rejecting ourselves. Our worlds become so small and we do this to ourselves. And this is the main difference between pain and suffering. Pain releases when we recognize it and take action, suffering is what we do to ourselves by choice even when there are so many other options available to us.  

We will often choose to reject and betray ourselves before stepping into the unknown. I am no stranger to this myself. There have been so many times that I had an inkling to do that thing or talk to that person or allow myself to want something and I never would. I would make up some excuse or other and not give myself a chance. “Well, if they’re interested they’ll say something. I don’t want to bother them.” “That sounds like a really cool job, but I don’t think I’m qualified.” “I’m not going to submit this project for the competition, I probably don’t have a shot at winning.” This year I’ve been recognizing many of the ways in which I reject myself, often so subtly, that I barely even know I’m doing it. Because it’s typically modeled and learned behavior and unless we start doing healing work, rejecting ourselves just seems normal. It takes a lot of work just to hear the whispers: “Don’t go out tonight, everybody sucks so it’s not like you’d meet anyone decent anyway,” “Don’t speak your truth because everyone you care about will abandon you,” “You have to hustle or you’ll never be worthy of success or love.” There are probably millions of examples and they’ll show up differently for different people. Not only do we adopt these behaviors and narratives, we let them drive everything we do because we believe they are part of our identities. It’s a lie. The fact is, you get to decide who you want to be and how you want to show up in the world. It takes practice, work, and a lot of self-discovery. We also face many obstacles and various forms of systemic oppression that are so much larger than any one individual, which can also be another reason why showing up as yourself can feel dangerous. As difficult and scary as it may be, it’s also worth it even if you don’t initially know  how you’re going to do it or where it’s going to take you. 

There’s this game I really like to play on my phone called Flow. It’s kind of like a connect-the-dots puzzle. You have a shape with multiple pairs of dots inside that you have to connect without impeding the other paths of the other connecting dots. What I like most about this game is that once you get one path, the other ones start to become more clear. Flow is all about taking that first step on one path and connecting the dots as you go. The paths are not always linear and straightforward. Sometimes there are twists, sharp-corners and backtracking. But once you start toward something; an idea, goal, etc., worlds you never knew existed start to open up. Toward the end of my studies to get my certificate in audio engineering and production the faculty held a competition for the post-production projects we’d been working on. I hadn’t planned on submitting mine even though I loved it and was really proud of the work I did and how it turned out. The moment I was aware of the competition I heard a whisper that said, “It’s probably not as good as other people’s.” Flash forward: I won first place. After seeing my project, a friend in my class said I should submit it. For whatever reason, I decided to internalize his belief in me and my talent and I went for it. Had I not done that I would have missed out, not only on winning the top prize, but on being asked about my process and being celebrated for something really cool that I did and integrating more self-confidence and the message that I deserve to be in the running for the things I want into my psyche. What I learned from that and other experiences since, is that on the flip side of rejection is courage.

Katie Louchheim would like to wish everyone a very Merry Impeachmas!

[nightfayre]

hi im the anon ! i dont remember what i said >

and I’m alarmed by the fandom mentality. Maybe HT means good - but how would we know? we don’t have access to his thoughts - but we must judge his actions, and his actions are for the least very troubling. It’s always abt coercing Mo and not respecting his boundaries. I see the trope “when she says no, she means yes” here and once again, the fact the fandom swallows it uncritically (bc HT is a poor, hot tortured boy) is alarming. Forcing Mo to wear his gift stinks of “this is my possession, don’t mess wt him” 2/5

Maybe im pessimistic n its actually to protect him by distance, but once again he totally disregards Mo’s will. What if he doesnt want to be protected ? what if he doesnt want to be an object to be pass around between self-entitled psychos ? The first step to protect and help someone is by listening to them. I hope Mo will react strongly and will tell HT that by saying this, he’s no different from She Li. And i hope that would provoke HT to self-reflect a lot - smth he lacks tremendously. 3/5

That being said i love HT and tianshan! And what i love is how realistic and flawed they are. Theyre both hyper violent, distrustful, and severly lacking in communication skills. Im thrilled to see how theyre going to evolve -for the better or the worse, both is good for me. But i’m very disappointed by the fandom reaction like “ooh how cute hes possessive it means love!” or “actually its not bad doing HT doing that bc his intentions are good”. 4/5

And I will be vry, vry disappointed if OX decides to follow this trend and to not show how this kind of actions is detrimental to their reliationship and use the tired and dangerous trope of “being violent means that you care”. I trust them to be more nuanced than that bc until now they are great at drawing grey relationship. So yea i hope next chapter, tianshan plunges (before being better). Anw sry for the rant, and plz continue the good work !! 5/5

phew. there’s a lot to unpack here – but I agree wholeheartedly with you. since this post is already kinda long, I will put my answer/explanation under the cut!

the parts that I bolded in your asks are what I intend to focus on in this answer. strap in, because this is going to be a long one. 

before anything, let me put a disclaimer: I love He Tian. I love Guan Shan. I love Old Xian. I love tianshan, and I love where they are headed in the manhua. does that mean I also love where tianshan are right now? no, it doesn’t. and I’m here to explain why I look forward to their potential rather than their current relationship’s dynamics.  

one of the hardest parts about being in a fandom is being able to separate fiction, reality, and morality. this is especially hard when a fandom is as old and endearing as 19 Days, and when you fall in love with & are rooting for all the characters. furthermore, 19 Days is not a tragedy. of course, when Jian Yi disappears, it will be tragic. but otherwise the majority of the manhua is a comical, romantic slice-of-life plot. as such, it’s easier for what would usually be seen as blaring issues/problems in tragedies to be disregarded for comedy or, in some cases, romance in a comedic, romantic slice-of-life. 

this is exactly the case with tianshan. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: He Tian’s current relationship with Guan Shan is not healthy. he doesn’t listen to Guan Shan. he doesn’t respect his personal space. he doesn’t know where to draw the line. he doesn’t know how to properly communicate with him, and thus resorts to violence or threats. tianshan just have a problem with communication. and, sure, maybe it can be chalked up to the fact that they’re young and stressed and don’t know any better. but that excuse is almost as bad as the “boys will be boys” excuse, and that doesn’t make it any better nor does it justify their actions. 

He Tian’s idea of relationships is so twisted, and as I talked about in a previous answer, it can probably be stemmed back to his trauma with the puppy Cheng took away from him. I won’t get too deep into that since I explained it in detail in that answer, but keep this in mind nonetheless: He Tian grew up in a family of violence, distance, miscommunication, and lies. it’s all he’s ever known, and that’s what he’s applying to his relationship with Guan Shan. does that make it right? no, absolutely not. but he’s learning. 

when Guan Shan had a panic attack at the restaurant, He Tian learned that people aren’t robots/pawns to use at his disposal and rather have their own strong emotions/backgrounds that shape them. thus, he brought Guan Shan home without a word. when he had his night terror and woke up to Guan Shan holding his hands, He Tian realized that there are parts of Guan Shan he still doesn’t know and, potentially, an aspect of their relationship that they’ve only started to uncover. thus, he thanked him without preamble and with a bowed head. 

what I’m trying to say is that He Tian does have good intentions at times, but not always. he’s learning as he goes, because god knows he didn’t have a family to teach him how healthy relationships should be. there probably is a part of He Tian that only wants to protect Guan Shan against She Li, but he certainly doesn’t show it in the right way. he acts possessive because he knows that if he doesn’t, he’ll lose what he loves (*insert flashback to the puppy*). again, does that make it right? hell no. jealousy and possessiveness are not cute and are entirely unhealthy in a relationship. the fandom should view them as such, but should also keep an open mind when considering He Tian’s background. 

and honestly, the reason why I’m focusing so much on He Tian right now rather than Guan Shan is because if it were up to Guan Shan, he would’ve dropped He Tian within the first few days (maybe even hours) of meeting him. but because of He Tian’s persistence, Guan Shan has no choice but to be involved with him and retaliate when He Tian verbally/physically/emotionally attacks him. nonetheless, Guan Shan has tried to walk away from He Tian on multiple occasions when He Tian’s teasing became too much, and on those occasions, He Tian has given in. (ex. I can’t find the exact chapter, but there is a chapter in which Guan Shan refuses to use He Tian’s fork to eat He Tian’s leftovers, and he gets up and says, “I’m going home,” to which He Tian replies, “Fine, fine, I’ll buy you new food.”)

so yes – tianshan certainly have flaws. He Tian holds too much power, and Guan Shan can’t catch a break. the fandom romanticizes their interactions, but if you take a moment to think realistically and recognize that character flaws are essentially bad but also critical for character development, then there is an even balance in the readers’ relationship with the manhua. don’t support He Tian’s violent interactions with Guan Shan and claim “omg He Tian loves Guan Shan sooooo much when he forces Guan Shan to do XYZ,” but rather support the fact that he hasn’t physically manhandled/harmed Guan Shan in many chapters. support and celebrate He Tian’s development, not his flaws. 

and as for what you said about Guan Shan telling He Tian that he’s “no better than She Li”? while I don’t think He Tian is truly as bad as She Li, I actually think that would be a painful, great, and pivotal moment in their relationship. after all, the most consequential scene in tianshan’s relationship thus far has been the kiss. at that moment, Guan Shan had told He Tian outright that he disgusted him and to leave him alone. since then, I don’t think He Tian has ever looked so… taken aback. unsettled. 

and guess what? their relationship has only gotten better since then, and He Tian hasn’t touched him like that again. 

I don’t know, anon. it’s a tough call. I think tianshan have a lot more chapters ahead of them, and I don’t think Old Xian will allow them to end on bad terms. actually, I don’t think Old Xian will allow them to end on the terms that they’re on right now. they can only improve from here on out, but how Old Xian will go about showing that improvement is unknown to us. there are many paths this story can take, but rather than worrying about what might happen, let’s focus on the here and now. let’s focus on the problems at hand, and let’s focus on the development the characters are undergoing. 

don’t ignore the wrongness/cruelty of characters’ actions, but don’t romanticize them either. if you do, you’re only doing a disservice to the character’s personality, existence, and the author’s intentions.

(and as for this newest chapter specifically: I see why people can get excited about He Tian telling Guan Shan to wear the earrings. He Tian wants to verify to both himself and She Li that Guan Shan is with him now. that Guan Shan is no longer under She Li’s control. who doesn’t love a little verification of their OTP’s relationship, especially when it involves an enemy?

but at the same time, it’s unhealthy. Guan Shan doesn’t have a say. he’s being handed around like an object. I don’t think this is pessimistic thinking; I think it’s the truth that no one wants to acknowledge/hear. but I’m not saying that tianshan is wrong in this chapter; I’m saying that He Tian has good intentions, but he’s not showing them correctly. and there will be a chapter in which he does show them correctly, but we must travel this rocky road before we get to that point. patience is key, and I cannot wait until He Tian and Guan Shan reach that moment of clarity. you can’t have light without the dark.)

[theromanticscrooge]

Thoughts on Rednid

(Note: I'm gonna be so sleep-deprived tomorrow because I wanted to crank out rambly diatribe about my current OTP instead of sleep.)

Enid’s Perspective

Initial scenes or short story beats featuring Red started out as Enid admiring the coolest kid in town from afar and desperately wanting to impress her. The first major Red-centric episode involved both characters realizing they could let down their guard around the other. They both already passed that initial “You’re cool” hurdle. But even though they’ve become more comfortable around each other, the next Red episode focuses on Enid’s reluctance to talk things out or express certain emotions. She honestly thinks there’s certain feelings she has to suppress around Red or it’d make her seem “clingy” or “mushy.” 

Enid’s big falling out with Elodie contributes pretty heavily to her reactions and behavior here. When Enid first met Elodie, Elodie came across as this cool, glamorous kid that was also incredibly friendly, kind, and compassionate. She was the picture of what young Enid wanted to be like: a by-the books, confident, and competent aspiring hero. It was easy for Enid to not only draw inspiration from her, but feel a connection to her and develop a fairly close, intimate bond. Elodie is probably the only one that saw Enid as a shy, sweet, and self-conscious kid. She started to help Enid ease up on her self-consciousness by being an approachable, encouraging figure. When Elodie dropped Enid like a hot potato in favor of improving/cultivating her image, Enid was crushed. It became harder to trust other people and led to her developing her tough, detached demeanor. 

Enid’s falling out with Elodie helps paint why she’d be so nervous and flustered around Red. Here’s another cool, seemingly confident kid that fits the picture of what Enid aspires to be like. Interestingly, Red fits the bill of what Enid considers more appealing now: an adventurous, risk-taking deviant. Red is the antithesis of what Enid used to be like as an eager-to-please, meek kid. And she naturally fits the mold of the devil-may-care, follow-my-own-rules type Enid tries to be. While Elodie’s callous dismissal of her isn’t a one-size-fits-all possibility, Enid still entertains fears that a certain comment, reaction, or behavior could earn Red’s ire. In her mind, Enid places Red on this high, untouchable pedestal. She fills in that hole of ‘person that inspires me’ that Elodie left behind, but only as long as she remains this highly idealized, romanticized portrait Enid has of her. Around her, there’s higher pressure on Enid to figure out the right combination of attitude, behavior, and image to impress Red. 

“The Cool Kid” is only one dimension of how Enid views Red. The other part rests in Red being coded as Enid’s love interest, too. In “Second First Date,” young Enid is partly drawn to Rad as a kindred spirit: He comes across as awkward, nerdy, and sensitive like her. She was willing to take a chance in the hopes of making a new meaningful connection with someone her age and hopefully, start a cute relationship too (I can’t comment too much on what Enid would expect from a romantic relationship since viewers have only seen her comment “She’s a babe” or bright, shoujo-inspired color bursts). 

When Rad reveals himself as a full-blown insensitive, callous meathead, it turns Enid away immediately. Enid is even further rebuffed by him later because he doubled down on this super macho persona as he got older. He never figured out how and why he screwed up, he refuses to admit he screwed up, and it’s not easy to sit down and have any kind of meaningful conversation with him about that awkward date. To be fair, Enid wasn’t really willing to broach this particular topic unless she absolutely has to. Even after Enid and Rad started understanding each other a bit better, they still clash in regards to their personal coping mechanisms for their personal insecurities. Enid is more likely to make a sarcastic quip or tease than start a meaningful dialogue; Rad is more likely to deny any wrongdoing and get really defensive about his actions/motivations. At the current point in the series, they’ve overcome their communication problems pretty well. Enid doesn’t shoot down every comment Rad makes and Rad is better about standing up for himself and expressing his thoughts more openly. 

Digression aside, Enid’s initial disappointment in Rad plants a little seed of doubt in Enid’s mind about Red. What if she isn’t entirely what I’d expect her to be like? It’s one thing to be friends with Red. Enid already has enough hang-ups with figuring out how to understand and interact with her on a deeper, interpersonal level beyond “Let’s blow something up or do something fun.” It’d be another, more intimidating unknown to consider her romantic feelings or indulge the idea of testing the waters on a romantic relationship. If Rad is the most major framework Enid has to reference, then it’s understandable that she’d want to keep things platonic or show some reluctance towards the idea of taking a bigger, more vulnerable leap in their relationship. A Rednid relationship seems more likely when Enid feels like she can have an earnest, honest discussion with Red. 

Enid’s rounded a few of her most significant character arcs: She reconciled with Elodie and both came to a mutual understanding of how each other operates and wants from their respective hero career. Elodie lives up to that original “genuine inspiration” Enid painted her as before, so that probably clears up a few of Enid’s bigger doubts and uncertainties. If Elodie can turn over a new leaf, then it’s a bit easier for Enid to see potential and genuine intentions in other friends/allies. When Rad and Enid interact on screen anymore, Enid is a lot more open to hugs and more openly expressing mutual affection towards him. There’s some awkwardness, but they’ve carved out some kind of friendly dynamic that works for the two of them. 

Red’s Perspective

When she’s first introduced, Red is shown as an obnoxious, rebellious figure that likes pulling pranks, causing trouble, and then trying to broadcast as much attention to her antics as possible. She’s well-liked because she’s adventurous, confident, and abrasive. Red’s friend Drupe is portrayed as an admired, respected fashion plate; Gregg seems to be a bit shy and self-conscious, but hanging out with Drupe and Red helps him fake being more confident and assertive. In Brandon and RMS’ debut episode, Drupe confesses that she lacks ambition and takes the barista position in an attempt to give her life more direction. Perhaps, Drupe is drawn to Red since Red presents a pretty convincing image of someone put-together and self-assured. Red doesn’t really question what tomorrow will bring. She knows what she wants in the moment, when and how she wants it, and just goes for it regardless of the consequences. 

Though, while Red is a fun fair-weather friend, she’s not too keen on accepting responsibility or acting maturely unless she absolutely has to. After K.O. helps her and her friends out, she snaps at him rather than wound her pride by apologizing. The first time she hangs out with Enid, she doesn’t confess to her Hue Trooper past and running away from her mistake until they’re physically confronted by the Hue Troop themselves. One of the big points in “Back in Red Action” was how dire circumstances forced Red to grow up, mature, and take more responsibility/accountability for her actions. Older Red clashed horribly with Enid on this very topic. Supposedly, the stress she was under and the “bigger picture” for her current circumstances didn’t mesh with Enid’s more impulsive, brash approach. For lack of a better description, Enid roughly fit the picture of Red’s younger, more ‘immature’ self. The entire episode condenses what could be considered a full, self-actualizing character arc for Red. 

Of course, the point of the episode was how important open, honest conversations are between friends and significant others. If there’s a certain way you feel or something major that needs addressed, it’s better to say it rather than dance around or bury the topic. It’s so easy to shelve certain problems and feelings but given enough time, people drift from each other and change so radically they aren’t compatible anymore. In regards to what significance that kind of message holds for Red and Enid, their friendship and overall dynamic would be that much stronger if Enid openly expresses her thoughts, feelings, and fears more openly and often. The same can apply to Red. When older Red tells her younger counterpart to stay behind, it’s not just to indulge in unchained fun a little longer, it’s in the hopes that some variation of her can become more responsible and mature in an organic, timely manner. Becoming more responsible would happen because of others’ influence (like Enid) and a genuine desire for self-growth and improvement; not because of demanding circumstances and external forces beyond her control. 

Red sits in a similar camp to Enid in regards to figuring out their respective roles as heroes. Enid is muddling through whether to follow her family’s tradition by becoming a witch or carving her own unique path as a ninja, if not something in-between the two choices. In Red’s case, she was originally drafted as and committed to her role as a Hue Trooper. She has second thoughts and doubts about this particular role. Either she’ll find an approach that suits her personality, values, and goals or she’ll take a completely different route. She’s already continuing to deviate from her team as a 21st century time-traveling hero. Since viewers already have an alternate timeline that showcases Red as a fully-actualized Trooper, she might stay in the 21st century because being a hero in that century better fits what she’s looking for. I see that particular decision as a character-defining moment rather than a make-it or break-it factor for a possible Rednid relationship. There may be a later episode where the two seriously discuss their respective futures and confide their personal hopes and dreams. That particular conversation is the most likely route for finding out more about Red since her dynamic with Enid contributes the most significantly to her character. 

Other Thoughts

Red has already introduced Enid to her closest friends and family in the Hue Troopers. And Enid already knows their names and general information about what each one likes or expects. I’m guessing here, but does that mean Red has some level of trust and respect for Enid? It’d add a lot of insight to Red and Enid’s dynamic to see how Enid reacts to introducing Red to her family or what kind of rapport Red has with them already. Since Enid is embarrassed by her parents and family, introducing her friends or potential significant other is a pretty significant rite of passage for her. Neither Rad or K.O. were voluntarily introduced to them. If Red was voluntarily introduced, it’d mean that Enid was far more self-assured and that she and Red had achieved a certain level of trust and intimacy with each other. 

Also, if Red and Enid do end up together, it’d be pretty interesting to see how they express affection, PDAs, and romance in general. Red seems pretty open about physical interaction; she was ready to casually sling an arm around Enid’s shoulders as her new buddy. So, she might have an arm around Enid or hold her hand often. As for Enid, she seems reluctant towards big, overly showy interactions. She’d probably be okay with low-key gestures. Canonically, I imagine these two keeping things cool and casual with a few flirty lines and looks every so often. It just seems out of character for Enid to get as lovesick and overly-expressive like Rad did with Shannon. (Note: I break my own headcanons for Rednid in my own fan works. I like drawing Enid with heart eyes and super-expressive, OOC expressions.)

I might take another crack at discussing these two again at a later point in time. This is a pair I honestly think could become canon, so I’ll wait and see if there’s more substantial stuff to work with and unpack down the road. 

[fanresearcher-blog]

My Criticism of Planet Puto

You know, just in case HC never finds about my criticism...

“Hello HC! My original criticism was lost…unfortunately but I`m determined to get my message to you. I wrote it on Word first before posting it in your submit. If you managed to get my old submission, then I`m glad that it worked, but if it didn`t then that`s why I have this. So HC, I wanted to do this for a long time but I needed to be composed of my thoughts first. Now I`m ready.

In this submission, I want to talk about the character development of your personification characters and character design. I`ll also talk a little bit of the lore by the end of the post. It is not intended for hate, it is just criticism. I am also aware that Planet Puto is more like random posts instead of comics or something. The reason I feel like giving criticism is for HC`s improvement in some stuff and to voice my concerns. Before I write my criticism, I would like to praise HC for her/his dedication to creating that group of Actor AU (I don`t know their names but it`s the Aswang lady and her Spanish-y husband and they had twins). I love your work since it has good art but mostly it`s because you post so often. Reading your posts become a part of my everyday routine.

So before we get to the specific criticism and tips, I`ll talk about my general problems with the personification characters. It appears to be, that the characters are used for meaningless fanservice. When I`m scrolling through the Planet Puto archives, once in a while I will see characters drawn with sexy poses or they have ship tease with someone. If it is part of their character, then that would make sense. So is everybody…smutty? It seems like whenever there is a major foreign country, they would be shipped with Elena or Emilio. There are entire pages filled with random pick-up lines from Emilio and all the art of Elena with the guys.

I`m not saying that shipping is bad. I think it is perfectly fine for some countries to be attracted to Emilio or Elena. What I don`t understand is…why? Why do those countries find Emilio or Elena attractive? What do they see in them? Please don`t say, that they love the Phils because Emilio is pogi and Elena is maganda. If that is the reason, why they love those twins, then that is not real love at all. Also…they can`t just be compatible because of politics! It is like shipping someone with another person just because they had a good business deal. It also makes me wonder if a country can even decide who to love instead of who they are told to by their bosses. It`s sad no?  

It would be best that you create the character before the ship. If you create the ship before the character, they may end up not being their own person. Also pair the ones, who are naturally compatible. It`s like food combos, there are basics like cheese and tomato go so well but when you experiment you will also find out that green mango tastes great with bagoong. Relationships, like food combinations, should be compatible. When people talk about food combos, you hear “The tomato`s freshness balances out the saltiness of salted egg” or “A bit of chili actually brings out the flavor of vinegar”, so characters should be like “He has a great mind but sometimes he can be really tough. She quite emotional but she can be the best friend you can ever have. Together, his heart softens and he learns how to get along with other people. She learns how to keep cool and keep things together now.” Characters by themselves are great, like peanut butter bread and jelly bread, but when you put them together, they are even better.

Be careful of red flags! If the relationship is starting to break boundaries, border on abuse, and toxic behaviors, please stop. It will just give the wrong message to the audience if you ship something like that. After all, in a food combo, if one of the ingredients are rotten it would make you sick. The pair should not be toxic to each other. You can still portray abusive relationships, but please don`t romanticize or encourage it because it`s not okay. It will never be okay.

 You must develop them first, though. After you got their character, then you can start thinking about shipping. They must care about each other. That is the bare minimum for a good ship. In psychology, people are more likely to be attracted to someone they have in common with but not too much in common. The thing they have in common could be anything like background, motivation, interests, etc… After that, be careful not to make them too similar or too different. To add special garnish, if the work has a theme, then it would be best if that ship reflects opposite or different sides of the theme. That would make everything really juicy. Remember to not force it, if they can`t match no matter how hard you try, then they weren`t meant to be. Move on. The best ships will just come into place.

Summary for writing ships:

-They must care for each other

-It must be natural

-They must have something in common but different enough

-Experiment

-Avoid Red Flags

My other general problem is random sadness. I`m okay with sadness, but the sadness in Planet Puto is very random. Everything is happy then boom! Sadness. I don`t understand what it is supposed to mean, what am I supposed to know here? There is a pattern of using historical events for angst. It would be much better if the angst was more built up and more meaningful if the characters had character.

Let`s start with the protagonist, Emilio. Of all of the characters, he is the one I have problems with the most. I find it hard to discern a characteristic to him other than a pabebe, a flirt, and a pushover. I`m sorry if that is insulting, but that is my own impression. He may not be like that, but the way he is portrayed gave me that vibes. So what makes a protagonist likable and memorable? They should:

Struggle: Hmm…does Emilio struggle? I have been searching all the pages with Emilio in them to know. None of those posts indicate really big things. I try to dig deeper like a Language Teacher but it is hard for me to see the meaningful struggle. All I see is meaningless angst. The problems that Emilio faces are politics, love life, and history. Politics, I understand that it is hard to live with such a corrupt government. What I need to know is…how does this affect Emilio personally? Normally, citizens of this country will not feel affected by politics. Sometimes they will be affected, but most of the time they would live most of their lives without worrying about this. It would be best to show how it affects Emilio on a personal level, so I can feel why.

Love life, it is now a more human problem. I wonder why personifications aren`t marrying each other by now. So many feelings and ship tease! Are they forbidden? If that is so, then that would be impractical. There are so many countries in the world, so at least one government permits a country to marry another country. I also wonder why Emilio only dated Brunei. I remember you said it is because of the union of the Kingdom of Tondo and something Brunei. So does that mean, whenever a country is joined by political alliance or merging of kingdoms, are they are automatically in love or dating? Heartbreak happens, it is a human thing but I hope it isn`t too much of a problem. There is such a thing as move on, right?

 History, now that could have a lot of potential. I think there is a lot of creative potential with this. The problem is…how do you portray it properly? The best thing to do is to look in history books and determine what he would be doing at a place in time. Give him a backstory based on the things taught in history. I know you are doing that, but I think it is unrealistic that Emilio is everywhere at once. How is he in a lot of historical events!?! There has to be an explanation. I think it could be answered by knowing his occupation exactly. What is his skills? What are his abilities? Does he have powers to help out? What does being a personification mean? These things could really help me understand how the plot works.

 (Out of topic: What is being a personification? How immortal is he? What if we cut off a personification`s head? Would they die? What if we chopped off their fingers? Would they be crippled or would their limbs grow back eventually? In your WWII drawing, Elena asks Japan to finish off her useless brother, so are you saying he can die? What if no one saved Emilio?

Do personifications get paid for being personifications? Can they resign? Do they have insurance or vacation days? Do they get a bonus? Do they get senior citizen`s discount, after all, they are older than our grandparents? Why do countries have a girl and boy version? Let`s say Emilio resigns from being Phil, would Elena have another twin?

What jobs do personifications do? Are they immediately conscripted to be a soldier, kind of Captain America? Captain America is a super soldier and also used for propaganda. Do they go in missions assigned to them by their presidents? I remember your Brunei and Phil post, that countries might be super spies by their governments. Is it really something like that? Are countries allowed to have other jobs? I remembered a post, I asked if personifications can have jobs. Emilio answered that he wanted to be a general, so he is not allowed to? He is the amang bayan after all, can he use his influence to get the job that he dreams of. Why can`t he be a general? I also heard your answer that being a personification means that you help people, how do they help people? Do they work in social services? Military? Education? Counseling? Psychology? NGO?

Can they have superpowers or are they as strong as an average person?

PLEASE ANSWER THIS, EVEN IF IT TAKES TIME. I CAN WAIT. You don`t have to make a drawing for it. Just type or draw if you like, I just really need to know. What if you randomly gave the characters abilities out of thin air? That would be really confusing. You might risk yourself with plot holes. We would be left out with the information needed to know what their life is like. If they have more detail what is their job exactly, then I would feel like they are more relatable because they actually have a life of their own other than being a mascot.)

Not whine: Back to one of the general problems, random sadness. Emilio is the one with the most random sad posts, so he has that main problem. I don`t know about you but if you put it in real life. It would sound like whining (I`m sorry). What is whining? It is a negative connotation of complaint. Complain is to express grief, pain, or discontent. It is okay to show strong emotion possibly even required but it would be weird to hugot it a lot.

 I already talked about the struggle part, not whining is the combo for struggle. Why? When someone suffers and they whine, suffer, whine, suffer, then more whining, then it would feel like handling an annoying baby. I know that they have pain but I would not respect them if they whine. They would be just like an average person to me, “That sucks, but the way you reacted made me not like you.”

Struggle makes the audience root out for the protagonist because it is natural human behavior to root out for the underdogs and struggle is what everyone goes through so it`s relatable. Not whining is what makes the protagonist respectable. Who has more virtue, a person that complains whenever there is something inconvenient vs someone who endures it instead?

A protagonist should be relatable hence, struggle, but they should also have something admirable because if they are so painstakingly average it is not any more interesting. We did not ask for reality to be displayed, we already live with that every day. What we want is to be entertained, learn, or feel something. A protagonist is someone we should admire, respect, and relate to.

In my opinion, Emilio in the Yandere!Adam event actually shows a bit of character and for the first time, I find myself surprised to actually care about a fictional character even if it is a little bit. What I am talking about, are the normal posts before that.

Be active: This is what makes an ordinary protagonist, entertaining. An active protagonist is a protagonist that shapes the plot while a passive protagonist is pushed by the plot. Why I believe that Emilio, isn`t an active protagonist, he is controlled by events. I have never seen an event that Emilio started because of his actions. For example, Yandere!Adam event, Yandere!Adam is the one that sets the events in motion, while Emilio just watches. I can understand since it is a Yandere!Adam event, it has to focus on Yandere!Adam. I just wish that there is an event of Emilio`s own doing.

(Out of topic: I feel like Emilio and Elena`s relationship isn`t that strong when I looked at the Yandere!Adam event. Letting your own twin die?! It affects me a little bit personally because I have a twin of my own. I would never imagine killing my own twin or letting that happen. According to research, boy-girl twins are even closer than same-sex twins, so they should be closer but they are not. Maybe it is because they were separated for so long, so that is why they aren`t that close.)

So in totality, I think Emilio needs a lot of work in his character.

IN SUMMARY:

-Please elaborate in his struggles

-Tone down the hugot

-Have an event focused on Emilio

-Add more to his backstory

-Tell us more about him

  So that is all with Emilio. The other main characters like Elena, Luzon, Visayas, Mindanao, Manila, Cebu, and Davao don`t get enough characterization. They feel like caricatures and stereotypes sometimes. I don`t get who they are supposed to be like. Cebu as INTJ really? As a fan and deep researcher of MBTI, it is hard to see why Cebu will be that. In a nutshell, my impression of them are:

Elena: Oh I`m going to help Emilio, get shipped with so many dudes, and do most of the country work.

Luzon: I`m Miss Serious who is kind of like Manila by design. I`m also the boss and hate insubordination.

Visayas: I`m the guy that has such a peaceful life and brown streak of hair. (Apparently, I also betrayed my countrymen by siding with Spain.)

Mindanao: ….

Manila: I hate probinsyanos! Especially Cebu. I`m swimming in the trash and I have problems…with Cavite. #ampalaya #lifesucks #dacapital

Cebu: I hate Manila! (Hehe I speak Bisaya so he can`t understand) I also don`t get along with Iloilo.

Davao: Yay! (Anime hair).

(Out of topic: I get confused with the glasses on capitals. You said that it was a sign of progress and you put the capitals of other nations with it. It feels quite the opposite. People need glasses to see, so when someone becomes a capital do they become visually impaired? Or they don`t really need it. Does that mean that glasses on capitals are like crowns on royalty? It gets quite confusing to theorize over simple stuff like that. It seems to be too much of a coincidence.)

I`ll talk more about character design later which involves the main characters.

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While writing this, I realized that foreign personifications were more developed than the main characters. They show more personality in a page than Emilio or Elena can show in 10 pages. For Adam, I thought his character design immediately gave me the vibes of someone who would be America. He tries to keep his reputation so he hides his brown eye with contacts and he hides issues to show that he is strong. When it came to struggling, I feel like that is implied. He seems admirable at some aspect and he sets the story forward as a colonizer.

His character design also gives an implication of his character. He has blonde hair and blue eyes (something that is associated with America), he has a blue business suit, red tie, and white underneath. That is the colors of the American flag! Colors like that are usually associated with heroes. I immediately saw a developed character in him. I wonder why that can`t be the same for Emilio or Elena.

Emilio`s outfit is a Filipino barong, he has sun-kissed brown hair, tan skin, and really, really light brown eyes. He is basically brown all the way through. While Elena has similar eyes, black hair, and light tan skin. Their outfits are traditional Filipino clothing. Luzon has a yellow tie and female business suit. Visayas has a red shirt and brown pants. Mindanao has a white robe with blue highlights. It seems like the island groups are wearing the colors of the Philippine flag.

 Their character designs are okay enough. It could possibly do better but it`s okay. When I mean to do better, I think you should modify it a little bit so it can look better. Like add detail to the clothes, use a different shade of color perhaps (the current colors aren`t bad on its own but I think it is best to experiment), and I think that is basically it. I get that you gave them really unusual eyes, to give them an anime feel (Personally I don`t like it, but I would not criticize that. It is your own personal aesthetic decision.). Maybe give Emilio and Elena an alternate casual outfit, the traditional clothing makes them seem like they can`t move on from the past (unless that is what you are going for).

The provinces are what I have a problem with. I can see that you tried, but some of them need work. They look unique but not unique enough. Sorry but, I think they look like branded food from the grocery sometimes. The Mindanaoan personifications are the most unique, Visayan personifications vary in quality but mostly unique, and the Luzones personifications have the most problems. I think you should do a bit more work in Ilocos Region, Cagayan Region, Central Luzon, CALABARZON, MIMAROPA, a bit in Western Visayas, and Zamboanga Peninsula.

Ilocos Region:

Pangasinan. Despite being part of Ilocos Region, he isn`t exactly Ilocano. He is Pangasinense. That means he has a different ethnicity than the rest of his fellow region mates. His economy and some of the way he acts is a bit different from the Ilocos. In all means, he is different from the other members. So he should look a little bit different. His fashion sense isn`t that good either. Come on! That collar shirt looks too long and does nothing to improve the figure. The hair is all levels baduy.

Ilocos Twins. They seem too similar to each other. It seems like the only difference is how they tuck their shirts and belts, and that Ilocos Norte is wearing a fake mustache. The minuscule detail is that Ilocos Norte has his pants tucked in more neatly while Ilocos Sur has slightly loose pants. You can differentiate them a bit unless you like it that way.

In general, they are kind of plain. It would be best to add more variety and fashion sense. (Unless you intended it that way)

Cagayan Region, Zamboanga Peninsula, MIMAROPA, and Western Visayas:

Make them a bit more varied.

Central Luzon:

Pampanga. My DEAR province would never wear something like that! It`s like he didn`t move on from the past. Bro, it is the modern days not revolution. Besides, Pampanga would wear a uniform during that period of time. In reality, Kapampangans like to dress well to the point it is a stereotype. Whenever there is an event or casual life, we always like to dress up. I think it would be best if he has a more fashionable outfit or you add something to the outfit to make it more fashionable. The most fashionable ones always seem to be the Metro Manilenos. It would be good if there are provinces that are really, really fashionable. Fashion is a really big deal.

What feeling are you trying to invoke when you made him?

 Bulacan. Really baduy. This outfit is something I imagined to be in a cheap fantasy project. The upturned collar according to historical events was a trend because it was “preppy”, so okay then I guess since it indicates character. The shirt is really plain and does not catch the eye. It feels like it was cheaply done. The color of mint green or light green used for the shirt does not add to his character. Light green is used to indicate the more positive aspects of green like growth or healing. Quite ironic, since his eyes were turned grey due to fireworks.

The outfit is even worse than Pampanga`s, at least Pampanga`s outfit is something that someone would wear but that is something I don`t see in a traditional outfit or normal clothes.

Others. Bataan`s outfit is also baduy as well as Nueva Ecija. Why do the girls always have to wear traditional clothing? What is Zambales ordinary outfit? He does not dive all day, you know.

CALABARZON:

I have fewer problems with these guys but...does Cavite have to always wear the uniform. I`ve seen him in a different outfit before. I wonder what his signature normal outfit would look like. Laguna wearing a baro`t saya…a classic for Planet Puto women. What does Quezon have that is different from QC? They are pretty similar.

 GENERAL CHARACTER DESIGN

Character design is of utmost importance because it can determine first impressions and show personality. What I`m looking for in character design is Personality, Color Scheme, and Symbolism. Personality is displayed by the little details like a business suit to indicate the character`s work-like personality or a suspenders to indicate a person`s old-fashioned/gangsta/a cop/compliments the figure of a muscular body. Colors have multiple symbolisms, blue can indicate dependability but can also give a depressing feeling. Light blue has more positive connotations but dark blue indicates the darker aspects. Little things like the wear the clothes are worn can indicate if someone is a slob or a neat person. Clothing can also indicate the standard of living, fashion style, personal preferences, and attitude. After all, you are what you wear.

Of course, character design is not just clothing it could also be a hairstyle, how the body is built, and stuff like gesture can add a push of characterization. Do they wear their hair in a neat manner or they have long hair? Things like that can indicate the beliefs of the person or attitude. Are they muscular? It might indicate that they workout, part of the military, or some physically demanding work. Are they thin? It could indicate that they don`t eat much, but why? See, that adds more character.

IN SUMMARY:

-BE FASHIONABLE (unless it is part of their character not to)

-MAKE THEM STAND OUT

-ASK “Why would they wear this?”

-COLOR IS IMPORTANT (research their meanings)

-COLOR SCHEME IS ALSO IMPORTANT (make it still look good, unless it is part of the character to clash)

Optional:

-Give each character a signature color that fits their personality

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Thank you for listening to my character design and characterization criticism. The lore is really difficult to get into. The only lore I can theorize perhaps is the Yandere!Adam with his eyes. That is basically it. I want to know where personifications come from, how immortal are they, and their origins. How was Emilio made? Did he have parents? Or he just appeared into existence? How are Elena and Emilio twins? How are they related to Mindanao, Visayas, and Luzon? You know, questions like that.

I`m sorry if I was offensive or anything. I really mean the best.”

[dontknockitkid]

Farewell

You knew this one was coming haha

I never posted anything on social media about baseball being over for me because I didn’t want to accept it, acknowledge it, or over-romanticize the ending of a simple game for me.

But I will, however, write this;

These are my sentiments about a game that had an exceptional part in molding me into the man that I am today. I will never communicate anything like this again, unless it’s in person and verbal and only if someone asks.

Here i present to you, Chris Ramirez, the baseball player.

First and foremost, I feel the need to give the greatest gratitude and praises to God for blessing me through my baseball years without a debilitating injury. I never broke, severely strained, pulled, or tore anything in the 16 years of constant travel, overhead motions, conditioning, or weightlifting. I praise my almighty God for that absolute blessing. With saying that, I’m not talking down to anyone who has had one because I’ve realized how anxious it makes athletes as well as how much it affects their confidence, self-esteem, sense of worth, and identity. I truly feel for those who have been affected by the unforeseen traumas of athletics.

Now, for the tear-jerky portion of my outpouring.

My dad has told me that he wanted to sign me up to play little league baseball when I was younger, but my mom was opposed to the idea because she said it was dangerous and I might get hurt. My dad, being the person that he is, went on to sign me up at South Side Little League in south Oxnard, CA. I make sure to specify SOUTH Oxnard because it was the most rag-tag, blue-collared, league in Oxnard (in my opinion of course). Being in this league for the first couple years of baseball made me the humble, quiet player that I was because we always played (and were crushed) by the surrounding, more wealthier and supported, leagues. The best thing about my younger years (pre-high school), was the traveling. Specifically the long drives I had with my dad. We would drive 3-4 hours and basically spend the weekend together. We would wake up early, go to the nearest McDonald’s, and then head to the sports complex. Those are some of the moments, weekends, and trips that I will cherish the most regarding baseball because they constructed the relationship I came to have with my dad. My dad went to as many games as he could, but the majority of games I either had to hitch a ride with a coach or teammate, and he would show up whenever he was able to. Both my mom and dad have supported and been there for me after every great and terrible game to give their unique feedback (you sucked today but we still love you; keep fighting kid. You have unbelievable potential.) I held on to each and every pre- and post-game talk with my dad because above all else, he was PRESENT. He cared about what I had to say and how I felt about my performance, and he absolutely 100% knew that I cared what he saw or had to say (even though after the tough losses I acted like I didn’t want to hear anything from him at times, but like a young boy, I yearned for my father’s edification and approval). They provided the life and the beautiful days I would never EVER take back, and seeing them smile at me and say they’re proud of me when I didn’t get drafted, had my last start, and graduated college meant the entire world to me.

Now, while I’m talking about my family, I wanted to include a few words for the village that raised me.

These pictures are from my very last season of baseball, but it embodies the support I’ve received from my beautiful family. From fundraisers, to them traveling/camping overnight for several days to see me play (succeed, and sometimes really suck, which often made me really sad), I am forever grateful for their presence. My brothers, Angel and Kevin would often help me forget about a tough loss by providing laughs that turned into happy tears, as well as celebrating with me when I had a great game. Their hugs and affirming, congratulatory presence throughout my life have fueled me to be a respectable sibling. I have always wanted to make them proud of me. I value the photos we have together in our baseball uniforms growing up, as well as the ones we took when they came to visit and watch in Vegas and southern Cali. Even more so than the photos, the moments I was blessed to experience when I hugged them and told them that I loved them after a game or after having not seen them in months, are where my love during those years rests. Te quiero muchisimo mis hermanos. Cousins, Tia’s and Tio’s, family friends, who have housed me on my trips, and let me crash on the couch or guest bedroom for a night or two as I was making my way across the country or back home, I love you. You have no idea how grateful I am for your gracious hospitality. It is and always has been truly heartbreaking as a little kid knowing I wasn’t able to make a baseball trip because of insufficient funds. My parents have done everything that they could to make sure I was able to go to at least a couple trips growing up, and I tear up just thinking about how they made it all possible. I am so thankful for the limited opportunities because it made me appreciate each and every one of them a whole lot more. I love you, mi familia. Near and far, familial and friend.

I couldn’t write something like this without mentioning my coaches. The men (and their wives because if you know anything about coaching, it is a HUGE commitment and sometimes takes a toll on their families. So if any of my coaches’ wives read this, THANK YOU for being patient, kind, and supportive to the men that helped mold me physically, emotionally, and spiritually) that took their time showing me how to simply throw a small object wherever I wanted it to go with controlled aggression, allowed me to spend a good-sized portion of my life having the most fun I’ve had playing a little kid’s game.

I wanted to give a special and heartfelt thank you to my friend, brother in Christ, and former pitching coach Matt Merricks because he (by God’s wondrous grace) developed a form of pitching that incorporated your walk with Christ. Once I was saved by God and my world changed forever, I also became a different type of pitcher, and Matt was there to help refine the explosion of my new heart in Christ. Thank you forever Matt, you helped a young boy understand what it takes to heave a baseball and leave it up to God from there as soon as it left my fingertips, as well as doing the same in life.

To my amazing teammates:

To say you guys have changed my life would be the biggest understatement ever. My boys at Channel Islands and the surrounding high schools who I became so close with, you guys gave me afternoons worth enjoying. You made Oxnard and SoCal a place that tore my heart leaving, but oh so wonderful reflecting back on. If I wrote a small little paragraph for each person or year of baseball, this blog would span a lifetime haha, but I’ll keep it short and to the point.

Channel Islands: Jonny, Isaiah, Matt, Beto, Alfred, Ricky, Manny, Micah, Felipe, Greg, Miles, Anthony, Ray Ray, Leo, Wade, Josh, Stefon, and a few others who were my little tribe in high school: thank you for riding through it all with me. All the high school shenanigans, trouble-making, talks about girls, long days of practice and conditioning, were boosted to absolute nostalgia because of all of you. The memories jam packed at that one school and ball field, are some of my most cherished moments of my upbringing. People always say that you should go to college because those are supposedly the best years of your life, but in all honesty, these years are a definite close Second haha. I can still remember and feel the deep belly laughs at jack in the box, trips to fresh and easy, and countless other get-togethers I will not mention because some of my family might read this eventually hahaha

I love you, and I pray you all are doing well.

Colorado Northwestern:

A small junior college in Rangely, CO was the perfect place for my collegiate baseball career to kick into gear. Why? Because of these guys: Joe, Ricky, Alaska, Mikey, Cado, Nies, Chase, Trevar, Colin, Tanner, Riding, Hoff, Texas, the Woods brothers, Naus, Cory, and several others who brought seriously so much happiness to my days there. At a low point in my life, you guys helped keep me afloat by your jokes, brotherhood, invitations, inclusivity, and acceptance of a new direction I was going in life. You supported me, held me accountable at the late hours of the evenings, and poured into me when I really needed a laugh, friend, or a late night/early morning trip to Vernal or the gas station. The trips we took to the lake, the hikes behind the school, phenomenal bonfires at red rocks, runs up and down Kennedy, when we discovered the “rollercoaster”, and post-game dinners in the caf; dang, I freakin miss that small little school in that small little town.

If you didn’t see your name, don’t take it personally I promise. Even if you were only at that specific school for a couple weeks, you still were part of my experience and growth, and for that I am forever grateful for you all.

Mesa:

Finally, my Mesa family.

Not enough words could describe the absolute excitement and gratitude I had entering a program that was notorious for having a winning record, playing home games at the same stadium the junior college World Series is held, and where a minor league Colorado Rockies affiliate resides. I talked about the anticipation and excitement that was literally almost oozing out of me to every person that would listen, and I want to take a moment here and thank each person that listened to my gripes, groans, and endless soliloquys about a little boy’s dream coming true. You may not have known it at the time, but those moments and conversations built me up (or how us young people say it these days, “it HYPED ME UP”) and encouraged me to live up to the “hype” that I was giving myself haha

Colorado Mesa is where I bore my fruit; the fruit I had worked so endlessly for throughout my life. I was crafted and molded into the pitcher I would come to be my sophomore year at CNCC (and that summer), and CMU is where it all flourished. The grit was there; the motivation was there; the humility; the approach; the passion; the youthful zeal (you’re gonna hear me say that NUMEROUS times throughout my written pieces, so you better get familiar with it because it’s one of my favorite phrases). Everything was already in place, by God’s gracious love, and now it was time to showcase it. Soli Deo Gloria style. Coram Deo style.

Pitching at CMU was everything I’d hoped it would be and so much more. Having the opportunity to pitch in a rotation that included some of the best pitchers in the nation was a dream come true for a little kid from South Oxnard. My friends and roommates making their way over to the stadium on some Saturday or Sunday afternoon would come to be one of my favorite memories of putting on that creme colored jersey and doing what I loved. Now instead of making this a 55 page blog post, I’m just gonna talk about the memories that stand out the most:

I’ll start with the entire 2017 season. The 2017 season came with a ton of extraordinary moments, some of which I’ll go into a bit of detail soon, but it also came with devastating news that would lead to the season’s mantra and future banner of pride, brotherhood, and hardwork. A ball player and dear friend to many named Ryan Teixeira past away from his second battle with cancer. His wake and funeral services in California were unbelievably moving, and I couldn’t help but admire (and absolutely sob) on how unashamed of the gospel his family was at his funeral service. They were bold, broken, vulnerable, but stood firm on the promises of God. It was truly spectacular. May Ryan rest in glory.

I had the best year of baseball in 2017. Although my sophomore year at CNCC was super wonderful, I cannot compare the two as to which one was better than the other because each one was vastly different. At Mesa;

- I experienced a beautiful Friday night fireworks celebration after breaking a school win-streak. The stadium was as full as it ever had been while we were playing in it, and there was this aura of happiness and genuine enjoyment, regardless of wherever you were sitting (even in the visitor section). Fireworks and baseball have always been like peanut butter and jelly, ham and burger, salt and pepper, and tyga and Chris brown. 😂

- I flew for the first time (in a private airplane at that) to play in a regional tournament, as well as a D2 World Series. This playoff experience had me almost in tears thanking God for getting our team and I to that point in order for us to experience and excel in an environment like that. I pitched the BEST two games in my life that season (complete game shut-out against the #1 team in the region at their home field to eliminate them and send us to the championship, and a complete game win against the #1 team in the nation to eliminate them and send us to the semi-finals in the World Series).

Baseball is boring to a lot of people; I’ll admit I even think it’s boring sometimes, but I found an aspect that was worth cherishing the boredom forever. Through this game God gave me memories, friends for a lifetime, extreme frustration and anger, absolute joy and passion, and a love and appreciation for a game played by 4 year olds and 70 year olds. How amazing is that?

God, thank you for these years.

I will miss it forever.