#it's the most unwonderful time of the year

[lbwings]

Listen to YOUR Signs

By that I mean your body signs. Today was my last day at what most would call my first ‘full time real job’ despite having several jobs that skated only an hour or so under full time previously in my life. This job was the one I spent two years at school being trained for and getting an associate degree in. While it is only one option of my field it is a common one. But I will tell you why it was not for me, a person who only recently came off medication for depression. 

1. My Emotions/ Mental Self: Several times I came home thinking of nothing else but the pile of work I had to leave. I only had about 3 hours off of work after travel time, eatting and sleeping. I was getting angry and angry but at the same time sadder because I could not do anything else. This job was 6 days a week. By the time I finally unwond from how tense I was it was time to sleep to do it all over again. I was getting such bad sleep that I was losing the ability to remember words and make full sentences with concentrating. And any change to my schedule felt like a threat. Any time I tried to do something i ‘enjoyed’ like artwork I would just fall asleep or felt bad that I wasn’t working.

2. My Environment: Among the things I didn’t have time to do was clean; clean my living space or myself. My hair was so dirty my scalp actual burned. It has never done that before in my life. Dirt and items have built up enough that my couch is covered, furinture so dusty its a different color, and the only space left is the walking path required to move.

3. My Career Prospects: This was a job I was warned that I would know if I liked it after a little while and they were right. I knew I didn’t like it but needed a job. So I started for as long as I could. But everyone in my office had been there for years, did not get many if any raises, and no health insurance. It was very clear that I would die at that desk which my boss moved at his discreation. All while never making enough money to live on my own.  

4. My Physical Health: Deterioranted on levels only I could tell. While some people began noticing my hair was falling out they could not see the other signs. My neck was so tense it became tight again. This meant I had trouble with my jaw, feeling my hands, and my shoulders began to curl forward into a tense position. I also put on about fifteen pounds, which no one noticed because I always wear loose clothes several sizes larger than I need. My nose is constantly bleeding. And lets just say things have not been coming out right from the southen end. My digestive system was in pain that match or beat my period often. (Those were getting worse too.) 

While all of this was happening I swore it was just because it was my first full time job. I stayed three months after I knew I wasn’t fit for a job because I needed a ‘real job’. But after months of being so aggiated and sick I finally had a talk with my family; who talked me down from tears because I could not see it. Now I am going to recover and try to make a new plan for what to try next as well as how to handle it. Next time I will listen to my body.

[fuchsl]

i kinda just told my family i’m agnostic and depressed and they think i’m atheist and ungrateful for all i’ve been provided for. and i’m being met with violence and hostility bordering on assault i dunno what to do