#it's that the concept of someone else being able to control whether I'm conscious and whether I remember anything | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thethingything · 10 months ago

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I need to get ready for bed but I remembered the dentist appointment that's coming up in less than 2 weeks and ended up dissociating for over 2 hours (I'm honestly not sure how long it's been) and I do not feel good in the slightest after that

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #vent post #it's not the treatment that's the issue. it's literally just that it requires sedation. I would be fine if not for that #and our brain keeps fixating on it to try and find some kind of solution or something that would help #but we can't think of anything. I don't know if there actually is any way to get around this #and it's not a fear of anything bad happening #it's that the concept of someone else being able to control whether I'm conscious and whether I remember anything #just inherently feels so incredibly violating no matter what actually happens during the appointment #logically I do not want to deal with the appointment. sedation is a great option. you don't have to experience any of the shit that happens #but the entire premise is so triggering I can't talk about it without getting shaky and hyperventilating and bursting into tears #also like... the recovery period afterwards where you're really out of it and say weird shit freaks me the fuck out #specifically the idea of being in that state around other people or just in a place that isn't at home in our room on our own #basically I can't handle a stranger giving me a drug that'll stop me remembering anything that happens for a while #and then make me really woozy and spaced out while I'm around other people #there's also another reason the concept of being made to just not experience a certain amount of time by another person is an issue for me #but I'm fully aware that it sounds deeply unhinged and stems from specific source stuff and I cannot explain that to most people #but it's a thing that there really isn't a workaround for and no matter how well we handle the rest of the issues around it #that will almost certainly fuck me up regardless. probably more than the other stuff would #but trying to talk about it would probably make me sound kind of insane because like... I probably kind of am #either that or I'll explain it to someone and they'll be like ''oh yeah no I totally get that''#but I'm more used to being treated like my issues are incomprehensible and I need to just stop being such a freak

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