#it's somehow therapeutic tbh

[just-jammin]

coding is somehow my passion

huzzah

[ghulehunknown]

Can I ask for papas seeing their s/o jealous for the first time? (Let's say they were married/in relationship for years and somehow papas never 👀 jealous s/o)

Sure thing, I’ll do my best! I decided to write both sides of the jealousy coin.

Papa Headcanons - Jealousy

(Rated PG-13; mild NSFW)

Primo

Reacting to you feeling jealous:

Would immediately assure you that you have nothing to worry about (though he is hiding a slight sense of ego, afterall it’s quite flattering that you’d be jealous of someone else that might want him)

Asks what the root of the issue is - it can’t just be jealousy, can it? You wind up telling him about your childhood trauma and where this all stems from

He nods patiently and assures you that you’re in a safe space; he’s a judgment free zone

A very therapeutic conversation, actually and you leave feeling better than before

Feeling or showing he’s jealous:

He doesn’t react much; he’s too old to play games and if you are sneaking around on him he’ll eventually find out, but he trusts you

Very calm

Asks you questions about the situation to get a better understanding before jumping to conclusions

Does not treat you any differently TBH

Secondo

Reacting to you feeling jealous:

Approaches it logically; he knows this is bound to happen in any long term relationship but you’ll face it together head on

Presents the facts to you and lets you decide on your own from there; he won’t try overly hard to convince you of something when there is evidence in front of you to see you have no reason to be jealous

Tells you all the reasons he loves you

Feeling or showing he’s jealous:

Has a twinge of internal struggle

Ultimately he knows logically you do not belong to him, and therefore can do whatever you like - so there is no need for him to worry

However if you are doing something behind his back he won’t hesitate to leave and cut you off

Terzo

Reacting to you feeling jealous:

Slightly annoyed/defensive at first - how could anyone possibly think he’s done anything wrong when that was never his intention??

When he sees you’re actually upset, he turns very serious and professes his love for you

After you’ve resolved this and he’s assured you properly, he gets a smug little look on his face and says “Oh you want me so bad, don’t you? You liiiiike me” even though you’ve been together for years

Chases you around the house saying exaggerations such as “Amore, I would simply die without you! How could I look at another when you hold my balls in your hand?”

Goes from defensive to serious/comforting to horny in the span of 3 minutes

Bets he can “fuck the jealousy” right out of you 🥴 (and he does)

“Amore, how could I love another? You think anyone could fuck me as good as you do? You think anyone else’s body looks as good on me as yours? You think anyone’s mouth around my [redacted] is as pretty as yours?” (said while he’s fucking your brains out)

Feeling or showing he’s jealous:

Anxious as fuck; this is his ego’s worst nightmare

Agonizes and ruminates on things that probably aren’t even happening

Woefully dramatic, to his own detriment

Uses it as a competition. “Do they love you like I do?,” “Do they remember all of your favorite things?,” “Do they make you cum like I do?”

In the following days he does way more to show his affection than usual; flowers everyday and random dates and little gifts. His feelings are hurt and he wants to remain at the top of your mind

He just needs you to stroke his ego that he’s the only one for you and that there’s no reason for him to be jealous 😌

Copia

Reacting to you feeling jealous:

“Ehh…tesoro, what troubles you?” he would ask while tapping his fingers together nervously, immediately sensing your displeasure

Flattered at first (he’s never experienced this before!) but admits that he has eyes only for you

Dying to prove his devotion to you and promises you have no reason to be jealous

Gives you a big hug and spends the rest of the day with you doing all the things you like, even watching that show he doesn’t like but knows you do

Makes love to you that night like he never has before

Feeling or showing he’s jealous:

He’s embarrassed to admit it

Explains his emotions and needs in a healthy way that he clearly got from a therapist (“I feel jealous when ___ because ___..”)

Asks you for comfort and reassurance because he’s feeling a little down (he needs constant reassurance anyway)

[philtstone]

Touch prompts: “feeling their pulse” for Shawn and Gus

so like .... i compromised my most staunchly held principle (there is objectively way too much of this kind of fic in the psych tag and i refuse to contribute MORE) to write this. alas; it would not let me go not sure how i feel about it as a standalone - i think it belongs in a larger fic, tbh, but im trying to be responsible and post these as prompts instead of spending weeks on a real story. i'll probably expand on it (and situate it in a generally more fun story) eventually. warnings for cursory description of blood, throw up and a broken arm & set during the events of 4x09, aka shawn takes a shot in the dark

In Gus’s memory, the Tuesday before Junior Prom is marked by the dead frogs in biology class and the most disgustingly broken bone the world ever had the displeasure of witnessing. 

“Mr. Spencer!” he had shrieked, operating on pure and unadulterated survival instinct.

They were fifteen and stupid – the way being angry at your parents makes you stupid, or being scared of how much you want to see Destiny B from first period art naked makes you stupid. When Gus yelled, feeling cold all over despite the hot after-school May sun, a weird hoarse twist he wasn’t used to tightened his throat. It overrode his gag reflex, thankfully, but unfortunately also made him sound like a panicking girl. Shawn didn’t say anything. They had a system. If Gus couldn’t look at Shawn’s broken ulna without throwing up, then he also couldn’t see the tears leaking out of Shawn’s eyes as he pressed his face against the scraggly front lawn and groaned in a horrible not-normal version of his recently-cracking teenaged boy voice. 

Plausible deniability for both of them.

“Fuck,” Shawn managed between sobs. Gus’s mom would have killed them both if she ever heard that word. “Gus, Gus it really hurts –”

“Don’t,” said Gus. He couldn’t look. This was so much worse than that time Shawn got a nosebleed in gym class it got all over his grinning teeth. He wasn’t grinning this time. He was shaking, like a leaf. Like one of those leaves from the plant unit in biology class, and oh, God – the frog. “Don’t, don’t, don’t.”

“Make it stop!”

Gus couldn’t. It was horrible. He’d told Destiny two weeks prior that he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up and he couldn’t even look at his best friend’s broken arm. He wasn’t panicking, not in the way Joy used to tease him for when they were kids (not grown-up fifteen year olds) and he’d get nervous around the water slides at Six Flags, but in this memory Gus felt scared in a new way that was somehow worse than water slides. “I told you that branch w-wouldn’t – I told you it wouldn’t hold, Shawn!” He shouldn’t have been yelling; it made him feel better anyway. “Why wouldn’t you just listen to me for once –”

The front door slammed open and shut and heavy footsteps rushed toward them. The broken arm probably hurt a lot, because Shawn wasn’t even mad at Gus for summoning his dad. Gus kept on shouting at his own shoes. To this day he has pretty much no idea what he was actually saying. The act of berating on its own was therapeutic.

Therapeutic had been one of the words he’d spelled right in the spelling bee.

“Shawn!” 

In the memory, Mr. Spencer’s voice invades their bubble like a popping bb gun and a big bucket of cool water in summertime all at once. The broken arm was not actually his fault, but Shawn had climbed the tree because he was fifteen and angry and Gus had hung back on the ground because he was fifteen and thinking about Destiny’s long swinging braids. Somehow both of these things connected back to the general presence of Henry, weeks away from divorce, hanging over their heads. He’d been the one who grounded Shawn two days prior for skipping second period for the millionth time, and Gus wasn’t sure he wanted to go to Junior Prom (where Destiny would be, slow dancing with Micheal H for sure) alone. 

“Shawn – ah, Jesus. Gus. Gus, come on, calm down, kid.” Two firm hands grabbed Gus by the shoulders and hauled him to his feet, and his tirade died in his throat. He was kind of shaking, too, but there was a sharp edge of fear to Henry’s voice that came out sounding almost angry and somehow made Gus feel better. “You’re okay, alright? You’re okay. He’s okay. This isn’t your fault. Go inside and get my car keys.”

Gus can’t really remember whether he made it to the bathroom before spilling his guts. He figures it’s kind of an immaterial detail, nineteen years later.

“Gus,” Shawn mumbles. “Gus, I got blood on you.” 

“Shut up, Shawn,” Gus says.

Shawn isn’t dead, which is pretty obvious to everyone now. Gus has been convinced of it for the last twenty-four hours. If Shawn was dead, Gus would’ve felt it. This is a conclusion he came to at around eleven a.m Pacific Standard Time, still in his pajamas and halfway through one of the gross protein bars Juliet keeps in her purse to keep his brain functioning on something one tier above pure fear. He used to wonder about it in college – whether Shawn was lying in a ditch somewhere without him. The idea would float through his head on random days when he was in crisis about stupid stuff like his upcoming Chem 102 final and prone to catastrophizing, and he’d think miserably that Shawn was probably on a sunny beach surrounded by beautiful women and Dolph Lundgren, momentarily freak because dude, what if he’s in Northern Guatemala and dead, and hasn’t even said anything? That would be just like Shawn, and then, finally, he’d eat a Kit-Kat and go for a walk around campus and finish his study notes and everything would be fine. A week later he’d get a postcard, like Shawn had somehow read his mind all the way from Bardstown, Kentucky, and pretend he didn’t miss his friend someplace deep in his ever-feeling stomach.

This morning he became convinced. He’d know. That has to be how it works. Nothing else makes sense, and Gus is a person who likes to believe in the reasonable and rational when he can.

Yeah, says Shawn’s regular, not-mumbly voice in his head. Like mummies and curses and ghosts. Absolutely the most sensible person I know, buddy, bar none. 

Shawn’s real voice is slurring something unintelligible and sounding a lot less coherent than he did fifteen minutes ago when jumped onto the hood of a moving vehicle. Like an action movie star. Gus can’t even bring himself to be pumped about how cool that was, theoretically, because –

“EMTs are on their way.”

“Well can’t they get here faster?”

“I’m not a goddamn teleportation service! Guster, get his head up –”

“His head is fine, will you just –”

“Stop jostling him!”

“He’s my son, Lassiter, don’t fucking tell me what to do – Shawn – Shawn –” 

After the adrenaline wore off and Shawn’s legs turned to jello, getting him to sit up against the car was kind of hard. He is, as a result, currently lying on the ground with his head in Gus’s lap, manfully, while they wait. Juliet took care of locking the bad guy in the other car and has sort of shut down, emotionally speaking – her sweet face is the color of chalk and her eyes are like saucers and she keeps answering her radio so fast her hands blur – and Lassiter’s trying (ungainingly, now that the shooting is over) to take charge to make himself feel better.

Henry’s the only one who seems capable of being practical. Gus knows this version of him well.  

“Gus … you hate blood. 'Cept when you're tellin' me to lick it.”

Shawn again, being unhelpful. As always. Gus is too relieved to gag. Maybe later. 

“At this juncture I am neutral about blood,” Gus tells him, in his best Professional Pharmaceutical Salesman Voice. Shawn grins crookedly up at him. He’s like, half passed out already, and the only thing keeping Gus sane is the steady beat of his pulse in his neck, where it presses hot and sweaty against Gus’s hand. Hot and sweaty makes him think of their junior prom. That was gross, though Gus supposes he didn’t mind at the time. They barely made it to the thing anyway. Shawn milked his stupid cast like his life depended on it and Destiny, who was big into art, sat at their table instead of dancing with Michael H so she could doodle on it with the Sharpies she carried in her frilly clutch. She and Gus spent almost the whole night talking. She was like, his second ever kiss.

Back to the present. Through the power of Henry Spencer’s eyebrows Lassie’s been successfully banished – warded off, whatever – and Gus briefly wonders if he should be a bad friend (to Juliet) and ask that she come over and hold Shawn’s hand or something. Then Henry locks eyes with him and he realizes suddenly and inescapably that no, actually, Shawn will not want her to be here for this.

“Shawn,” Henry says.

“Hi, Dad,” Shawn manages. He’s still grinning, but his face is pale. Pasty. Shawn’s kind of tan as far as white guys go (Gus remembers Joy declaring this once, the way she always liked to declare things, when they were eight and she was twelve) so the gray tinge to his cheeks doesn’t become him. "Unhg… this’sucks. Kinda … numb tho’. I think ‘s getting better.” 

It’s not really getting better. Gus looks at the dirty, slick duct tape matted into Shawn’s tattered shirt and feels his ears ringing. This is one of top ten most unforgivable pranks Shawn has pulled on him in their lifetime, without a doubt.

“Kid, I’m so sorry. I have to stop the bleeding.”

“S’still bleedin’?”

It is. Gus’s leg is damp. Probably sticky. Every molecule in his body is trying not to think about it. 

“Gus, brace his shoulder.”

“Yes sir.”

Shawn’s mind registers what’s about to happen a second before Henry presses down; Gus can see it all click in his drooping eyes, which widen. The noise that comes out of his mouth is sudden and horrible. Worse than God’s most disgusting broken bone. Gus doesn’t move, but his stomach lurches, and his head spins. Henry’s pressure is firm and professional and unyielding and he can see the old brown jacket the older man stripped off his own shoulders start to stain where it rests against Shawn, who seems to be remembering that he got shot with a real live bullet for the first time since they found him. 

“Dad – Dad, stop, stop, fuck! Why’d you – doesn’ haft’ – jus -”

Plausible deniability, Gus thinks while Shawn complains. It would be normal except Henry's actually apologizing. He stares at the ugliest sepia-patterned fruit on his best friend's dad's shirt and counts to ten, then twelve, then thirteen. He wonders what Destiny's up to these days. He doesn't look and pretends not to hear, either.

“Gus,” Henry says after another minute, and Gus looks up. With a jolt, he realizes that he’s watching Henry Spencer cry. Nothing about his voice has changed; nothing about his posture has changed. The faint sound of an ambulance invades their consciousness while mundane, dull tears shine in the pale afternoon sun as they leak out of the older man's eyes and down his grizzled exhausted face. “You need to throw up?”

He does, kind of. Shawn’s spare hand has grabbed the dirty fabric of Gus’s jeans in one fist. He isn’t yelling anymore and from over Henry’s shoulder Gus can see Juliet, across the road, looking over at them desperately. She probably can't see the details, but there's no way she hasn't heard. Shawn gasps a shaky breath and squeezes his eyes shut and bites down into his own shirtsleeve to muffle himself. Gus and the car are blocking the worst of it from everyone else. The sirens are properly loud now. 

“He’s gonna be okay,” Henry says. “You know? It just looks like hell.”

Like he’s fifteen again, and being ordered to go get the keys. Gus shakes his head anyway, and Henry doesn’t ask again. 

[asterefflores]

I saw the post about angst in your story. I want to put a comment but mine might be just too long and this app is just not ready for it xD, so I drop it here.

For me, the angst in ur story tilts towards the darker side. It's not just sad, unhappy stuff. I don't know how to articulate it in human language (istg), but I find it remarkably balanced and just feels right. It feels fitting, somehow.

Each arc in your story unfolds at the perfect moment, revealing itself in due course (what am i talking about). Tbh, your story might be considered heavy. I said this numerous times already (maybe) but I love the world-building in it (even tho my brain needs to restart every time).

The characters' backgrounds and the reasons why they are in their current state are intriguing. Moreover, although you introduce certain angsts, what I admire is that you never dwell on them excessively. They are relatable, logical, and not exaggerated or cringe-worthy. They are in the right amounts.

It's like, the story holds multiple layers of surprises each time you unveil the answers to the readers' questions of "why." Also, the angst within goes beyond than just sadness, contain/hiding various emotions and elements of irony.

I remember how the other readers and I went crazy (for fun) with theories in the comments when it was first revealed that Cale had a connection to the Secret Kingdom. We all anticipated something light and fluffy, but oh my goodness, jahahshfhf it took a darker turn that caught us off guard in the most unexpected moment. I love that aspect, and the transitions between each arc are incredibly smooth.

I also love every one of your original characters, (wait you already knew this ajshfkh) but duh, I've never had this much love or enthusiasm for fanfic before. I have a huge crush on your art and writing. It's therapeutic for me to see and read them. Thank you for the artwork and stories, even your daily shenanigans at your office @Xwitter are entertaining to follow up. Love isn't enough to describe how fascinated I am with your work.

I know, I throwing so many compliments for you on this one. I can't help it. I hope you don't mind🧍🏻‍♀️if you mind, I'd still going to do it. So I hope you still don't mind.

Please have a good day 🍀 (Please rest...)

I like to keep the characters realistic with logical responses in any case according to their traits and their back stories and whatnot, I don't like dwelling on anything too much in the plot, sure the angst part is important but if used too much it'll ruin the story not only for readers but also for me lol, it'll feel like I'm forcing it on the characters when, logically thinking, they wouldn't stay depressed for long or behave in certain dramatic ways, based on the way their brain works and all.

And yeah, well, my fanfic was indeed meant to be simple at first you know, but I naturally turn any plot I write heavy and dark with time, and it gets worse gradually but I try to hold back and be reasonable before I mess up at some point lolol

I didn't know you find my transitions between each arc smooth, I'm really happy and thank you for letting me know, all this time I stare at my stories and ask myself "Are there even arcs? Isn't it all a mess? Does anyone notice the transition? Is there even a transition?" Then laugh at my own writing and say it is what it is and keep writing anyway while confident that I'm doing everything wrong somehow XD

And you know, when I introduced OCs in my fanfic I was very sure no one gonna care or pay attention to their parts (except maybe my close friend lol) so I'm really glad to see some readers come to love them eventually, though I think Tristan is getting most love than the rest but that's expected considering his character and his role with Roksoo and Cale lol, I expected many readers would hate his role as their father but now the majority is cheering for him xDD

About my office shenanigans, you just made me recall how my followers on Instagram used to like and anticipate my stories about my daily life at work lolol I didn't think anyone would find joy in them also on twitter/X but glad you enjoy my comical work life 🤝🏻

Lastly, ofc I don't mind, at all, you don't know how many times I read your message and made me smile the whole time, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me 💕💕💕

And I'm trying to rest, I think I'm resting— ok, the fact I don't even know if I'm resting says enough lol but I'm working on it *cough

Thank you again and take care you too, have a good day 🌸🌸

[5eraphim]

I'd understand if you dont want to respond to this, but I audibly breathed out my nose after that guy wrote an essay about how 'immoral' you are on the notes of that scout fic. Like. they have no likes or ppl theyre following... did they make a tumblr account just to drag you? was this somehow the first thing they saw on when they searched 'tf2' or something?

Like, you didnt even glorify rape. the reader basically dissociates and experiences hallucinations of scout being demonic, and how the bedroom is like a fiery pit of hell. Did this human being ever engage with media outside of that one fic?

this has happened before, and yeah it always hurts to see someone making personal attacks like that in my comment section/s, but i think the shock has largely worn off.

i actually didn't read the entire thing until u sent this ask, and i didn't bother before deleting their tirade. i think i'm just going to turn off comments on stories for a while, which feels ungrateful to all the nice ones i've gotten but im getting tired of trolls and tbh, disabling the anon function on my main account has given me wonderful peace of mind. (though the disabling anons on main was partially bc of people sending hatemail about this account, and partially people getting pissed i post/engage in true crime stuff- but God, that's another issue entirely)

and while i am of the opinion authors shouldn't have to justify what they write about through lived experience, writing like this has been very therapeutic for me personally to give myself a creative outlet to process things instead of letting the bad times and memories fester inside my own head, and i've also met so many others like myself sharing my work online and it really means a lot to me. while people calling me a rape apologist/abuse fetishist/ degenerate or whatever fucking sucks, the good people far outnumber the bad.

i try to tag my content to avoid triggering others, if someone wants to ignore all that to get offended in my comment section that's their call, but i am by no means obligated to keep those comments up.

[zutaralesbian]

I like a lot all your opinions and metas, they are brilliant, so I have already sent you 3 asks 😂 I am glad you don't mind it. So I'm sending you another one, what is your favorite gallavich fanfic and your favorite author? Thank you 🥰

Awww thank you so much! 🥺

Tbh that’s a tough one because there are so many great fics for Gallavich. It’s definitely one of my better ships in that department and that’s partly why I’ve read so much of it. I don’t think I could give you just one fic or just one author but I’ll do my best to narrow it down somewhat lol.

As far as authors go:

Shamelessquestions: I think everyone who has dipped their toes into Gallavich fic has read at one of her fics. With such classics like TIPDIG or her newer ones like ORFNSP (and my personal favorite of hers, You Can Bite Me) she’s a hard one to kiss. Somehow the master of both comedy and angst.

BeckyHarvey29: Another classic author. She’s definitely one of the authors I would point out to everyone first getting into the ship.

devovitsuasartes: This person has such a knack for writing very unique (and sometimes weird) ideas and just making them great.

biblionerd07: Possibly my favorite author for Mickey’s characterization in particular.

Favorite fics (top 10 in no particular order just to narrow it down somewhat lol)

sideways by the amazing whaticameherefor ❤️ Canon divergent fics during/after S6 are one of my favorite categories of Gallavich fic and this one is my fave

maintenance by devovitsuasartes ❤️ Sci-fi AU where Ian is an android and Mickey a mechanic as they travel together on a space expedition. Trust me it’s so good.

The Fight For You by WishIHadWings ❤️ Post S7 canon divergence where Ian decides to find Mickey in Mexico. This was the first post S7 fic I read after 7x11 originally broke my heart so it was very therapeutic

all comes down to you by beckyharvey29 ❤️ AU where Ian is Mickey’s boss who he hates and they have to pretend to date. Lots of romcom tropey goodness

Kingdom of the Southern Son by 09cityskylights ❤️ King Ian/Warrior Mickey. I revisit this fic so often that it’s ridiculous. Tragically incomplete but there’s enough written to still get a lot of enjoyment out of it.

You Can Bite Me by Shamelessquestions ❤️ My personal favorite fic by the master. Vampire Ian/Hunter Mickey.

'til our compass stands still by biblionerd07 ❤️ Basically a re-write and much better version of Ian and Mickey’s storyline in S10. Instead of Paula, they both think the other killed Terry.

i had a dream (i got everything i wanted) by oforamuse ❤️ A post S6 canon divergence that takes place 9 years after 6x01. Lots of feels in this one.

The Thing About Living by lalazee ❤️ AU where Mickey is a patient with kidney failure and Ian is his med tech. This is a brand new fic but it truly swept me off my feet and I had to include it. Don’t worry it has a happy ending.

Two of Your Earth Minutes by the_rat_wins ❤️ Alien! Ian. Definitely something to read if you want fluff.

Like I said though, there are so many great stories and authors for this ship. So I know this list is nowhere close to covering all of the amazing ones.

[josad-irl]

My burden and well maybe first and last post

welp, worth a try

Hi, I'm "J", 23 yo.

Guess this might be worth a try since I'm running out of options.

Background info: I have heavy depression, and got diagnosed with multiple personality disorder with a strong tendency towards BPD (Borderline). I never had consistent suicidal thoughts. They came impulsive during high trigger situations a few times.

Just half a year ago I had the best time of my life. I was clean from my 1 1/2 year long addiction to drugs. I had the best gf I could have ever wished for. I had fun at Uni. I had good friends. I was happy. Or so I thought. My BPD kept making the relationship go into a crisis. My gf had ADHD and quiet-borderline was to be diagnosed. But I never found out til this day if she actually has it. Well, now I don't have a gf, lost most of my friends, my heavy depression is back and either my emotions aren't available for weeks or they come back like a train hitting me straight on and make me cry and brake down into panic attacks multiple times daily. I can't sleep. I don't feel happiness. I cannot enjoy a single thing. I either eat too much at once or not at all. After the break up I got sent into a prison-like psychiatric clinic for 3 nights. It was the worst time of my life. I never before have truly felt the way I did back then. That is almost 3 months ago now. Afterwards got a place in a clinic for mental health which was rlly nice tbh. I had a nice room. Nice ppl. Got a nice therapist. After a few weeks therapy finally started to help and I felt emotionally more stable after my 2 months stay. Now I am "free" again. Two weeks have passed. I can't stop thinking about my ex and the friends who were in the same circle. They all keep in contact with her, but they never once came to visit me or texted me during my stay in the clinic. Not once. In two months. I had to text them. Now they all barely answer to my texts. I do still have some rlly good friends left. But somehow I can't get over the things I have lost. And I am still desperately in love with my ex partner. She was the best person I have ever met. But she has blocked me everywhere. My emotions were gone for the last 2 weeks of my stay in the clinic. They came back a week ago. Well rather they came back on my birthday. When the hope had rissen up that my ex would text me. But no, nothing. During my stay in the clinic we had an on/off thing. We met, we slept with each other. But suddenly she cut me off completely saying it over for ever. She realised we weren't good for each other and that was it. Well, my opinion was that we could heal through therapeutic help and try it again. But she never answer to that. That was the moment I went into shock and kinda lost all my emotions. As I said, these came back on my bday. Especially the last hour of it. I had a huge panic attack and a gigantic borderline trigger, where it felt like i was going insane. I tried to desperately contact her. But she blocked me off even in the last possible way I had to get into contact. She saw my calls, but she cut them off. That was it. My emotions finally got broken. Now i am sitting here and contemplating if its worth living, when my only two choices are being emotionally unavailable and basically just acting under a facade or to be emotionally broken and depressed to an extent where I am pretty close to taking my own life. I tried before but got stopped. I think this might be the time where I'll get it over with. Well. If neither a clinic, nor meds, nor my mum and not even my good friends can stop me from feeling and thinking this way...who can? Will this ever stop? I have been depressive for years. 4, maybe 5 years. My BPD is hindering my emotional stability. I don't know what to do. I think live is beautiful. And I know people can heal. I know time can heal. I know I should just cut contact and concentrate on the things I have. I learned so much in the clinic. I know others would take this opportunity to heal. Other ppl are strong. But I don't think I can. I am scared of myself. I am scared of rejection. I am scared of what anyone says. I am scared of what anyone thinks. I am scared of what I think. I am scared of what I can do. I am scared of what I could become. I am scared. I am broken. My trust is broken. My emotions are broken. And I have seen better days in these dark times. But they were always overshadowed. I give up. Maybe. Well....

"X", I love you. I hope you are able to heal. I hope you got the help you needed. I hope you will find the happiness that you deserve. You were the first person in my life that I could be myself around completely. The first person I ever truly loved. You helped me through heavy depression, addiction and pain. Now I hope you get the help you need and never have to feel the way I did or now do. I wish you all the best.

To anyone reading this: I hope your are having it better than me. I know this sounds weird for me to say, but... if your are going through somethings, ask for help. Someone will help. There is nothing more important than your mental health. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever challenges your are facing <3

If this isn't my last post, then something must have happened and well..I'll post an update then.

Maybe goodbye, maybe not.

J

[eliza-rivers]

answering all these cause I’m bored 👍

1 - Coffee mugs

I’m

2 - Chocolate bar

3 - Bubble gum

4 - A good leader

5 - Soda bottles

6 - Tomboy?

7 - Earbuds

8 - Movies

9 - A certain sunscreen idk unless I smell it

10 - Mat ball (indoor kickball, if you hit the back wall you’d get a home run for yourself and everyone on the bases, I got lots of home runs 😫)

11 - Nothing or a protein bar

12 - what the fuck

13 - Keychain

14 - Warhead cubes

15 - Ultimatum (we had to choose a book to read so i chose that)

16 - man spread with one leg elevated

17 - white platform converse 👍

18 - Raining really hard, thunderstorm or blizzard

19 - on my side with my leg on a pillow or smth

20 - Notebook

21 - Journaling

22 - Chappell Roan

23 - Biting my nails I guess? Not very strange-

24 - Emerald

25 - Girl on Fire

26 - Hate warm weather, baking

27 - Freezing my ass off on walks (very therapeutic)

28 - Skinny, Wildflower, Kaleidoscope, 🤷‍♀️

29 - Talk to me

30 - Walking home from school in the winter

31 - This very low cut shirt and cargos 😔

32 - No clue

33 - “What the fart”

34 - Spotify fender ads

35 - 3 am

36 - I don’t know 😔

37 - Duffel bag

38 - Tea

39 - Lemon meringue pie

40 - A teacher was talking to a student (sexting) and then payed the student 10$ not to tell but she told and he got arrested lol

41 - My mom

42 - Jacket pockets

43 - Hoodie

44 - Something fruity or vanilla

45 - Sci-fi

46 - Bra and sweatpants

47 - Aged sharp cheddar

48 - I guess strawberry? (moots said that)

49 - “Life is too short, love is too long” - tlt iykyk

50 - When I had Lyme disease and my family was going to a water park and we walked there and saw a deer on the way and I asked if I could pet it and my mom said “No it has tics” and I said “So do I?!”

51 - School

52 - It changes but rn italicized times new roman

53 - Scarred up and I have a spider bite somehow but fine other than that

54 - My job taught me that I’m still just a kid 🤷‍♀️

55 - Don’t know any

56 - My (divorced) mom and dad always give each other gifts on the day they divorced..

57 - Being lazy, being ‘dumb’ and overcoming a lot of anxiety

58 - Singing, acting, writing and coffee making

59 - I don’t know 😭

60 - Never watched anime

61 - “Life is too short, love is too long”

62 - I don’t know

63 - Pink Pony Club, Hot to go, Good Luck Babe, anything Chappell tbh

64 - Unblocked games 76 iykyk 😫

65 - Two on my hands, three on a calf, a lot tbh.

66 - Roses

67 - My favorite pen

68 - Black licorice

69 - the average human has 7 pounds of poop

70 - both

71 - Polka dots or stripes, they piss me off man..

72 - Math

73 - Grapes and cheese

74 - Solid 7, I won’t complain unless I can’t bear it

75 - 4

76 - Au gratin

77 - Cactus

78 - Coffee

79 - School id

80 - Earth tones

81 - Fireflies

82 - PC

83 - Writing

84 - Barbie

85 - Podcast

86 - Cookies

87 - Reject

88 - Have friends

89 - My little sister

90 - Found 20$ on the ground

91 - Bags

92 - Lamps, NEVER THE BIG LIGHT

93 - I want people to come up with their own for me, it feels more special that way

94 - Winter

95 - Safari

96 - It’s just grey 😔

97 - 7

98 - The 1900s 🤷‍♀️

weird asks that say a lot

in

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

7. earbuds or headphones?

8. movies or tv shows?

9. favorite smell in the summer?

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

12. name of your favorite playlist?

13. lanyard or key ring?

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

18. ideal weather?

19. sleeping position?

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

21. obsession from childhood?

22. role model?

23. strange habits?

24. favorite crystal?

25. first song you remember hearing?

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

28. five songs to describe you?

29. best way to bond with you?

30. places that you find sacred?

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

32. top five favorite vines?

33. most used phrase in your phone?

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

35. average time you fall asleep?

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

38. lemonade or tea?

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

41. last person you texted?

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

44. favorite scent for soap?

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

47. favorite type of cheese?

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

51. current stresses?

52. favorite font?

53. what is the current state of your hands?

54. what did you learn from your first job?

55. favorite fairy tale?

56. favorite tradition?

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

62. seven characters you relate to?

63. five songs that would play in your club?

64. favorite website from your childhood?

65. any permanent scars?

66. favorite flower(s)?

67. good luck charms?

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

70. left or right handed?

71. least favorite pattern?

72. worst subject?

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

82. pc or console?

83. writing or drawing?

84. podcasts or talk radio?

84. barbie or polly pocket?

85. fairy tales or mythology?

86. cookies or cupcakes?

87. your greatest fear?

88. your greatest wish?

89. who would you put before everyone else?

90. luckiest mistake?

91. boxes or bags?

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

93. nicknames?

94. favorite season?

95. favorite app on your phone?

96. desktop background?

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

98. favorite historical era?

[1d1195]

a couple years back i made a playlist called ‘songs i want played at my funeral’ and it was just songs i was really into at the moment but my mom somehow saw it and she was maaaaddddd😂 NO I GET IT THERE ARE JUST SOME SONGS THAT WHEN YOU HEAR THEM AT A WEDDING ITS LIKE YOUR HEART STOPS WORKING IDK WHAT THAT IS

went out with my oldest brother to run some errands today and i made us listen to 1D in the car nwbdjejwh it’s a hit with everyone, no matter who they are, he had the time of his life even if he would never admit it🤣

i’m glad you liked it !! i sat down and really listened to the lyrics and it was just so cute and sweet

hidden writer is so real of you lol. you’re literally changing lives out here and then living a normal life behind the screen, humble queen🙂‍↕️ you’re like our super hero (i laughed at u telling him u took a writing class when you didn’t just as an excuse, you’re so funny for that) i think it’s really therapeutic to have something just for yourself like this, idk but i really like to keep things to myself, as much as i love my family and friends and all that. even if it’s something small (or a hit tumblr blog in your case)

I LOVE NORMAL PEOPLE !!!!! i bought the book a couple of years ago when i was traveling and one time my sister picked it up and was like “i couldn’t even get past the first few pages, it was too confusing!” 😭😭 not for everyone i guess, but i really enjoyed both the book and the show.

SAW THAT YOU LIKE MADELINE MILLER AND GREEK MYTH STUFF ??? TWIN !!!! i read the song of achilles and jwhdidjwhaks i was in LOVE with it, ive been meaning to get to circe for soooo long but idk i just haven’t, gonna get that one on the next bookstore trip hopefully 🤞

i got Love & Other Words, The Book of Goose (saw something abt this online, super psyched for it), A Certain Hunger (cannibalism i think?? fun!!😃), and a Mary Oliver poetry book !! i have this obsession with reading deep, serious, (sometimes dark n sad) books because the writing is just sooooooo good !!! and i just always go back to them, they’re my favorites, but ive realized i have to balance that out with a cute, soft, easygoing romance afterwards cause i can only handle so much😭😭 even if it’s just a cute fic i need to remind myself there’s still happiness somewhere🤣🤣

HOPE YOUR HAVE THE GREATEST DAY EVER SAMMMM MWAHHH😚✨

~🎶

THAT'S SO FUNNY regarding the funeral playlist 😭😭

OF COURSE HE HAD THE TIME OF HIS LIFE. I do that to my bf all the time. I tell him "this song is a bop. Do you remember who wrote all the bops?" And he'll be like *sigh* "Louis..." it's my favorite thing in the world. He doesn't need to admit he had a good time, it's an internal thing that he needs to feel and nothing more 💕 ask him what his favorite song was and report back. I have my bf take 1D quizzes from Buzzfeed all the time 😂

I never thought about how much I keep from him and other people I love, but really it's just this blog. A HIT 😭😭 You're so sweet 💕

I LOVE Greek Myth stuff. I've read Elektra, Galatea (short story by Madeline Miller, didn't love it tbh, but anyway), Ariadne (Theseus is a D-BAG idk why I was surprised but still), I also have A Thousand Ships on my shelf as well as Pandora's Jar (which is actually looking more like a book describing all the greek myths in terms of why men suck and women get blamed for it anyway). I liked Circe more I think--been a while since I read it so I don't remember why, but I did. SO good.

PLEASE tell me what you think of Love & Other Words. I just got it back from my sister, I was rereading parts of it--it is my favorite of theirs so far 💕

I'm intrigued by The Book of Goose! Let me know what you think! I think I would skip A Certain Hunger personally, but I can't say it didn't reel me in a little. That's cool you picked up a poetry book. I'm not very into poetry--I think my brain is broken for higher order thinking. I can only do fluffy stories these days and historical fiction. But yeah. I think that's pretty cool you like the deep serious stuff! Nothing wrong with that! It's probably very thought provoking and I can't wait to hear your reviews! 💕

LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

xoxo

[wandagcre]

I think they voices sound funny 😭 and they songs sound all the same kinda

That’s cute 🥺 I actually wanted to know more heavy metal bands, I feel very peaceful when they’re angrily shouting a bunch of things since I can’t angrily shout at all

I like some bmth songs but I can’t find other bands that sound like their old work 😔 also Im very into one direction and the evermore album, my friend tried really hard to make me a swiftie 😭😭

-🍓

ohhh so they're THAT type of vocalists...

at least it's therapeutic for you and it really works out! i can't angrily shout either. somehow my voice is too girly and soft lmao. a total opposite of my wardrobe tbh

one direction songs are one of the things i occasionally listen to omg they're a nostalgic part of me. though i was more of a harmonizer so to say 😅 taylor swift songs on the other hand, are a hit or miss for me. i prefer her earlier pop music tbh 😭 reputation album is one of my favorite of hers!

[eligalilei]

Can you microdose (or just very low dose) antipsychotics and expect them to still help?

Me:

It depends on the drug and person. Some won't even be antipsychotics at low doses. Some people will actually get benefits equivalent to higher doses, due to peculiarities of their brains and metabolism.

Some also find the benefits from higher doses actually stick at lower ones if they taper into them, but I wouldn't make any kind of rule out of that.

It's also worth importing a set of terms as metaphor from therapeutic use of psychedelics: there are psycholytic, and 'cathartic' dosing strategies. In the former, the purpose is the opening of a discourse, and a loosening of boundaries. In the case of psychosis, the intention is the flattening of overinvestments, and the release of the psyche from cancerous loops. Analogously, in the 'overload' doses, one means to 'delete' a space. In the typically excessive mode of their use, one keeps the patient on a disabling, soul-killing quantity of neuroleptics (braingrabbers, etymologically speaking). The patient, almost inevitably, tires of this, and due to the persistence and lack of dialogue with the relevant material, simply drops the medication, and swings into rebound psychosis (often of a different sort than that for which the medication was indicated, but nobody pays attention to such minutia as the patient's experience...). That said, I think the 'overload' dose can be of some use as an interruptor.

Of course, there's also medium-dose, standard allopathic approaches, which may indeed be relevant to the treatment of many patients. Sadly, we do not have, in practice, the ability to determine the actual organicity of a psychosis, so the assumption is that all patients will need continual treatment. Organicity should also not be the criterion for the assumption of the necessity of long-term treatment either, but that's another question.

OP:

It's for my kiddo that I'm asking. He's a 11 year old non- verbal autistic and psychiatrists keep wanting to put him on either risperidone, geodon or clozaril. All seem like dangerous meds to me. He was on risperidone for a while but we got him off due to bad side effects. I'm saying yes to geodon for now but wanted to stick to the lowest dose possible even a microdose if possible. Of course the drug pushing psychiatrists don't like that. Thanks for the info. Me:

Honestly, in kids... I would stay far away. Just me, though, as someone who has suffered long from after-effects from using them as an adult.

It would be off-label, but I kind of like baclofen or anticonvulsants, or things like verapamil more for that use, rather than... long-term sedatives with links to cognitive decline.

Tbh, .... I know this will sound cynical.... but they're all the same stupid drug up to and past a point. They will all have the same risks of side effects eventually if you keep taking them, and pushing them for autism was just a money-grab to find more uses for drugs that already exist, not an attempt to find a solution to a particular problem. They 'work' in autism because they are sedatives, and APs are our current idea of what a non-scary sedative looks like. They have a veneer of respectability, somehow, especially the new(er) ones.

As you can see from the below-linked study, Risperdal does not really treat autism in any kind of disease-modifying way, it just reduces irritability and moodswings.

Tbh, Clozaril is actually a less scary one in some ways, despite the fact that it can cause neutropenia. Rexulti is also maybe less scary, I think, for a variety of reasons... but it's not really going to be a sedative, and it probably hasn't been tested here, and I can't really suggest it, just point to why it, in pharmacological theory, might be less bad.

Seroquel might be worth considering, since it genuinely is barely an AP at small doses. It's just an antihistamine with an AP 'aftertaste' under maybe 150 mg. Doses for psychosis start at 300 mg; your kid might get the 'benefit' of added sedation (because, let's be frank, that's what these drugs do) from the other activities it has, but without as much risk of motor side effects, due to its binding to the dopamine receptors for shorter spans of time, and doing it much less.

The issue with the new ones is that they don't actually come in small pills... so it's hard to actually microdose them; the pill sizes were constructed with treatment of psychosis in mind, and other areas of use just inherit that legacy and material situation, regardless of whether that's really even appropriate.

Check this out to see, vaguely, what the equivalents look like:

You'll see, examining the Ki data, that with the newer drugs, you can't even get into the small doses. Dose equivalents aren't even going to cross-apply to stuff like Seroquel and Clozapine under a certain range, due to the 'stepped' nature of their pharmacology (uneven Kis/Kd).

Sorry about the barrage, hopefully this gives you a little bit of helpful info to think about.

[vampireghostlawyer]

I saw your post about being afraid to replay de while in a bad mental state, and it's kind of funny bc I was just thinking to myself today about how i was at a really low point when i played it the first time and it was actually really therapeutic. i didn't go the inspirational recovery route like i otherwise might have. i was the delusional burnt out superstar cop and the existential dread-filled apocalypse cop. i started the game with most of my points in the physical stats and listened (1/3)

to their bad-for-me impulses. i failed that one authority check and put the gun in my mouth. i internalized some of the most self-destructive thoughts. I snuck around behind Kim’s back most nights and did every drug, sometimes getting in little spats with him about it. but at the end of the game he was like “he drinks, he does drugs, he’s somewhat out of his mind. but I trust him implicitly.” and even though my Harry still wasn’t in a good place by the end of the game, it was so cathartic (2/3)

to play it that way and still be forgiven. so. something to consider. (3/3)

---

that actually makes me feel a lot better about replaying it tbh, so thank you.

when i played disco elysium, i was in a weird bittersweet place where i was at the best point of my life, but i was also very aware of it and knew that when i graduated in a few months, things were going to go bad pretty fast. as it turns out, they were MUCH worse than i anticipated somehow lmao, and thinking about anything from that great time in my life has become sort of painful in a weird way because i feel like i've completely lost my sense of self compared to that happy version of me that existed a few years ago.

but anyway, because i was happy and fulfilled, i played my harry the same way. like i did almost every possible thing in the game, he was as on top of things as harry is capable of, and i feel like i got the best outcome out of most of the situations in the game. i was kind of worried about how defeating the game would be if i didn't do those things, so it actually means a lot to hear that the game still treats you like a champion even if you don't play it that way in the traditional sense (idk if that makes sense at all sorry).

i appreciate the asks and i hope you're in a better place <3

[watchyourdigits]

oh no

I'm having a really hard time writing the next chapter of my Mac/Eve fic. like... ouchh. I am frustrated beyond belief at this point.

Somehow I've managed to lose all of the Evelyn momentum and have completely lost my characterization of her. Like, she's already slipping through my fingers and I'm literally on chapter five (5). This is incredibly fucking tragic and unlike anything I've ever experienced with Frankie and Danse.

Like, with the other fic I'm working on, Frankie is very multi-faceted, but he's also openly so. Evelyn is multi-faceted, but a lot more tormented at her core so she'd very *tight* and generally hard to read.

(TW: mentions of abuse ahead)

Not to mention, she's explored entirely through MacCready's observance of her. Frankie just kind of gets to exist as himself, unrestricted for the most part. I've long since opened up any "hidden" parts of him, thought they weren't central to his personality per se. Like, he is who he says he is and nothing less. Frankie was only hiding where he came from. Whereas Evelyn is hiding HERSELF as a whole (though not really tbh because she doesn't know who she even is).

She's breaking down far too quickly and I'm forgetting how to write her as the closed book, "rage and fury are my only emotions" character she's intended to be at this point. She's hard to love and very hesitant to reciprocate in kind, but MacCready is absolutely entranced with her. He finds beauty in the way she moves and how she holds herself in the world. She's brutal, but effortlessly so. She's learned how to preserve herself in the face of her many traumas. He's supposed to peel back her layers, getting under her skin in ways she doesn't anticipate, and slowly discover who SHE is even if she doesn't realize it herself yet.

It's a mutual journey, one they have together, because Mac just being so unashamedly himself rubs off on her. She realizes the possibility of just letting oneself experience and enjoy things for the sake of it. She's basically discovering the world (and herself) through him and his occasionally childlike affinities. All the while, he bears witness to her pain through the way she razes everything around her to the ground in a desperate ploy to feel like she has SOME semblance of control.

It's meant to be tragic and painful, because this is a story based on healing and creating oneself from scratch basically (specifically after suffering long-term abuse). And it's also deeply personal to my own life and current relationship vs my past ones. Like, I'm still working on coming out of my shell and finding who I am. And this is the better half of a decade AFTER my own abuse. This fic has been very therapeutic to work on, but from the perspective of characterization I'm losing Eve and it's killing me.

I think the only way to proceed is to retain the basic Sole Survivor backstory, but remove Shaun from the equation entirely as it's putting too much pressure to move the story along. The character development is meant to take place over a longer period of time, with Stuff happening that drives it home, yet I feel it's moving way too fast due to the plot in and of itself.

Of course I want the Institute to be a central Bad Guy, but this needs to all unfold over the course of about two years. Like, preparations for war and all that don't happen overnight. For example, the Brotherhood rebuilding Prime as a relatively new faction in the Commonwealth with little to no outside help is something that, in real time, would take years. I think a group like the RR or Minutemen who don't have some major War Machine to rebuild could prepare in less time than that, but still.

It's already been a few months time in my fic and I'm like ???? this isn't working for me. I always feel the plot breathing down my neck and it's really ruining this fic in particular 🫡🫡

[everwisp]

boys boys boyzzz~

[taexual]

I don't think I've ever come across a chapter that was smut from being to end :'D. Wow, that was, uhm, a long time coming...Are you OK after writing that? :D

really? i thought that was a fairly common thing in fanfiction 🙈 anyway, yeah! i wrote it a while ago and, aside from making me stay up late and then consequently develop the most unbearable feels for jaebum, i was alright! 😂 thank you for reading, love, and i’m sorry if this chapter was more than you could bear!❤️ 

[a-wayofthinking]

subhaan Allah kids are just amazing. the tiniest things make them the happppppppiest, and they’ll take everyone with them to play. they trip and fall - maybe cry for a bit but get right back up again and continue despite of their hardships.